If you’re at the point where you need a “boyfriend pillow”, it’s probably time to assess a whole lot of other things in your life that may have driven you to this product.
I will never be that lonely. No one should ever be that lonely.
That’s really not the part of the body people get lonely for, as I understand things to be. Good thing that a vagina or dildo of form of creation can be found on Etsy just a few short shops away!
“The body pillow resembles the torso of a big strong man with a comforting arm that cuddles you, as well as your total abandonment of self-respect and any semblence of hope for your own future.”
I mean, really. I’ve never had a partner in all my 22 years and even I can’t imagine sinking to this level of patheticness. I can’t decide whether to cry or jeer.
I’m one of those strange women who is not into cuddling unless I’m in danger of hypothermia. So for that reason, this product does not interest me. That, and the fact that it’s, you know, pathetic and creepy.
The reviews are more hilarious than the post itself..
“Purchased this for our 21 year old daughter who lives away from home!”
“I work as a firefighter… This pillow lets my wife be more relaxed in bed and lets her body think I am there. It is better than the alternative of her having an actual man in bed with her.”
“Best $$$ ever spent. My Dream Man is the best! He always lets me pick what we watch on TV, he supports me while studying, he helps me sleep, he never gets jealous, he doesn’t care what I look like, he is there for me when I laugh or cry, I don’t have to worry about texting him, he has everything he’s ever imagined, he takes my abuse, he is the one I can count on to wrap his arm around me… Only downfall is Dream Man ripped his bicep in the seam… I guess I got too rough with him in bed ”
“This is a conversation piece that I have on my couch and when I have people over they get such a hoot out of it.”
“Big and strong”? Can the damn thing open jars for me?
I imagine buying this disembodied thing & waking up to feeling that limp arm on me & seeing that over sized “Hamburger Helper” type hand & completely freaking out, not knowing what has “gotten” me. I’ve awakened before not recognizing where I’m at, so if I got this thing, could it withstand the “fending for my life” beating it would probably endure upon my awakening?
(getting older than 50 can be quite interesting).
It might be nice if it didn’t look so stupid and the arm was weighted sufficiently. I have the opposite problem, which is I like to be the hugging person when I sleep. Apparently Sleepytime Kyso is aggressive enough about it to disturb the sleep of anyone within range, so a properly stuffed pillow decoy comes in handy.
Now, when it comes with a blank face pillow with a clear pocket to insert a picture of your favorite celebrity or secret crush, that’s where it would cross my sad and creepy line.
What about warming them up against the backs of your calves? My man likes to stick a foot out of the covers to cool himself down, and then when he gets too cold he warms it up on me!
As lousy as my love life is…and let’s face it, it’s nonexistent at the moment…I can’t bring myself to even consider this. It’s like giving up. It’s like throwing out all the stylish clothes and just wearing grubby sweat pants for the rest of my life. I can’t, I just can’t.
Can it say “where you going”? If you dare to move at night? Or yell “wake-up” at 6am? And do you have to cook breakfast for it? Will the “hamburger helper” hand cook dinner for you? So many questions……
I like that “Hug Me” is in the title, because it implies something in the seller’s life has led them to believe that other people enter that phrase into the Etsy search. I want very badly to know what that something is.
November 30, 2012 at 4:02 pm
So Ronery…
December 2, 2012 at 3:40 pm
Yeah, they might as well have marketed it directly on Regretsy.
…or did they?
November 30, 2012 at 4:04 pm
Why can’t this be for men too? O_o
November 30, 2012 at 4:11 pm
The male version comes in sparkles or hirsute
November 30, 2012 at 4:16 pm
There’s already one:
November 30, 2012 at 4:17 pm
Oh yeah, like THAT’S not creepy.
November 30, 2012 at 4:27 pm
It’s an alarm clock, too.
It stands up when your nap is over.
November 30, 2012 at 5:41 pm
Or when it’s time to get up, it farts?
November 30, 2012 at 6:17 pm
Stomach sleepers, beware – there is no venting like on a real lap!
November 30, 2012 at 4:47 pm
No. NO! It’s “everybody needs a BOSOM for a pillow”, dammit!
December 6, 2012 at 4:42 pm
I logged in just to tell you how much I enjoyed the Cornershop reference.
December 2, 2012 at 11:01 am
ermmm…does it have…um…the plumbing also? If so I’m gettin’ a divorce and buying one.
November 30, 2012 at 4:05 pm
All I saw was “Hug Me Blue.”
November 30, 2012 at 4:27 pm
I thought of the Blue Man Group first. But now I’m thinking of Kevin Cline in “A Fish Called Wanda.” “Go ahead, fuck her blue.”
November 30, 2012 at 5:34 pm
Well, I don’t know about you Mister Manfrensinginsin…
December 4, 2012 at 8:57 am
Don’t make fun! Manfrensinginsin is my family name.
November 30, 2012 at 4:07 pm
NIGHTMARE FUEL
November 30, 2012 at 4:09 pm
So there is a lady out there for ‘forever alone’ meme!
November 30, 2012 at 4:17 pm
Is that part of a collar I see on that?
I think the “Chernobyl-mutant” aspect of this thing would ward against sleep, not encourage it.
November 30, 2012 at 4:20 pm
Without groping and Darth Vader breathing in my ear, it’s just not realistic.
November 30, 2012 at 5:02 pm
does it also come with pit stink?
November 30, 2012 at 4:20 pm
I always loved to hate that classic episode ‘Spock’s Arm’.
December 1, 2012 at 12:31 pm
If I were in a position to award it, this would definitely get the Comment of the Day award.
November 30, 2012 at 4:21 pm
If you’re at the point where you need a “boyfriend pillow”, it’s probably time to assess a whole lot of other things in your life that may have driven you to this product.
November 30, 2012 at 4:24 pm
Have pity on her, somebody sprayed that thing with Axe Body Spray, she can’t help herself.
December 3, 2012 at 3:54 pm
LeeLoo you are HOT today!! Funny hot, not weird regretsy troller hot.
November 30, 2012 at 4:23 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 30, 2012 at 4:28 pm
Just how I want to fall asleep with a headless arm holding me. What if you wake up and it’s choking you?
November 30, 2012 at 4:30 pm
Then you have obviously grabbed the BDSM boyfriend pillow by mistake.
November 30, 2012 at 4:32 pm
What does the 50 Shades pillow look like?
November 30, 2012 at 5:16 pm
Exactly like this one, but of course they will have changed the names up a bit so no one will notice.
November 30, 2012 at 5:55 pm
Manfriend S&M Choke Me Blue Body Dom Pillow Cushion for Unsatisfied Women
November 30, 2012 at 4:36 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 30, 2012 at 4:42 pm
“The body pillow resembles the torso of a big strong man with a comforting arm that cuddles you, as well as your total abandonment of self-respect and any semblence of hope for your own future.”
I mean, really. I’ve never had a partner in all my 22 years and even I can’t imagine sinking to this level of patheticness. I can’t decide whether to cry or jeer.
November 30, 2012 at 4:44 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 30, 2012 at 4:49 pm
For $20, you could probably pay an actual person to cuddle you.
November 30, 2012 at 5:49 pm
Only for about 3 minutes. So I’ve heard.
November 30, 2012 at 5:09 pm
The hand goes lower if you get the girlfriend version.
November 30, 2012 at 5:15 pm
Is it just me, or is something blurred out in that girl’s hand? Like she fell asleep with a cigarette in her hand.
November 30, 2012 at 5:55 pm
There is a blur at the 4th finger & the pinkie. Odd way to hold a cig.
November 30, 2012 at 7:54 pm
People do crazy things when they are that lonely.
December 1, 2012 at 7:56 am
Maybe they’re blurring a wedding ring, so it won’t appear that she’s cheating on her husband with a one-armed half-torso.
November 30, 2012 at 5:31 pm
I’m one of those strange women who is not into cuddling unless I’m in danger of hypothermia. So for that reason, this product does not interest me. That, and the fact that it’s, you know, pathetic and creepy.
November 30, 2012 at 6:11 pm
apparently you and my husband are related
December 2, 2012 at 5:40 pm
♫ Leaning,
Leaning,
Leaning on the creepy everlasting arm ♫
November 30, 2012 at 5:41 pm
Thank you, Thing!(Thing has really sprouted up in the last few decades. He probably has a much bigger box now.)
November 30, 2012 at 5:53 pm
This product accurately reflects the limp, oddly curved hold of my boyfriend, Stretch Armstrong.
November 30, 2012 at 6:29 pm
I could have sworn I’ve seen this on J-List for sale.
November 30, 2012 at 6:43 pm
You know, I kind of thought it looked familiar, but I wasn’t sure. I’m glad you said something.
DING DING DING WE HAVE A RESELLER
http://www.overstock.com/Bedding-Bath/Dream-Man-Arm-Pillow/5894513/product.html
http://www.amazon.com/DeluxeComfort-P009-Boyfriend-Pillow/dp/B002RWJ9S8
http://www.deluxecomfort.com/valentine-unique-womens-gifts-boyfriend-pillow.html
http://www.alibaba.com/trade/search?fsb=y&IndexArea=product_en&CatId=&SearchText=boyfriend+pillow
I don’t see that particular shade of blue (yet), but I’m pretty sure putting a new shirt on this doesn’t make it handmade.
And somewhat hilariously, there IS a lady version: http://www.deluxecomfort.com/girlfriend-body-pillow-order.html
(And the link to the Etsy store, since I’m not getting it in this post:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/113898598/boyfriend-bf-hug-me-blue-body-man-pillow?confirm_reported=1
Already reported.)
November 30, 2012 at 10:14 pm
December 1, 2012 at 10:38 am
Seller has it listed as a “supply.”
December 1, 2012 at 12:38 pm
…for what? D:
December 2, 2012 at 11:46 am
So some moron can bedazzle the fuck out of it?
December 1, 2012 at 5:54 pm
points and squeals (ala “The Body Snatchers”)
December 3, 2012 at 8:24 am
All of her cupcake crap is also from alibaba.com
http://www.aliexpress.com/compare/compare-ladybug-labels.html
http://www.alibaba.com/product-gs/669612562/wholesale_dinosaur_cupcake_liners_for_kid.html
December 3, 2012 at 6:28 pm
The reviews are more hilarious than the post itself..
“Purchased this for our 21 year old daughter who lives away from home!”
“I work as a firefighter… This pillow lets my wife be more relaxed in bed and lets her body think I am there. It is better than the alternative of her having an actual man in bed with her.”
“Best $$$ ever spent. My Dream Man is the best! He always lets me pick what we watch on TV, he supports me while studying, he helps me sleep, he never gets jealous, he doesn’t care what I look like, he is there for me when I laugh or cry, I don’t have to worry about texting him, he has everything he’s ever imagined, he takes my abuse, he is the one I can count on to wrap his arm around me… Only downfall is Dream Man ripped his bicep in the seam… I guess I got too rough with him in bed
”
“This is a conversation piece that I have on my couch and when I have people over they get such a hoot out of it.”
November 30, 2012 at 6:44 pm
“Big and strong”? Can the damn thing open jars for me?
I imagine buying this disembodied thing & waking up to feeling that limp arm on me & seeing that over sized “Hamburger Helper” type hand & completely freaking out, not knowing what has “gotten” me. I’ve awakened before not recognizing where I’m at, so if I got this thing, could it withstand the “fending for my life” beating it would probably endure upon my awakening?
(getting older than 50 can be quite interesting).
November 30, 2012 at 6:57 pm
It might be nice if it didn’t look so stupid and the arm was weighted sufficiently. I have the opposite problem, which is I like to be the hugging person when I sleep. Apparently Sleepytime Kyso is aggressive enough about it to disturb the sleep of anyone within range, so a properly stuffed pillow decoy comes in handy.
Now, when it comes with a blank face pillow with a clear pocket to insert a picture of your favorite celebrity or secret crush, that’s where it would cross my sad and creepy line.
November 30, 2012 at 7:42 pm
It also needs to snore like a freight train and steal the covers.
November 30, 2012 at 7:57 pm
and don’t forget put it’s gross manly rough feet on you in the middle of the night! *shudder* Podophobia!
December 1, 2012 at 2:41 pm
What about warming them up against the backs of your calves? My man likes to stick a foot out of the covers to cool himself down, and then when he gets too cold he warms it up on me!
November 30, 2012 at 8:28 pm
As lousy as my love life is…and let’s face it, it’s nonexistent at the moment…I can’t bring myself to even consider this. It’s like giving up. It’s like throwing out all the stylish clothes and just wearing grubby sweat pants for the rest of my life. I can’t, I just can’t.
December 1, 2012 at 1:49 pm
I have given up and I still wouldn’t buy this.
November 30, 2012 at 9:23 pm
I got one of these. It formed a band, drained my savings account and ran away with my ottoman.
I’m sticking with doilies.
December 1, 2012 at 2:13 pm
It also took the Dog when it left and left me with the fish tank!
November 30, 2012 at 9:24 pm
Call me when it can vacuum, as well.
November 30, 2012 at 10:08 pm
You’d think it’d be more…handy. (Stop me before I kill again.)
December 1, 2012 at 8:46 am
Maybe it comes with a manual?
December 1, 2012 at 6:56 pm
At least with only one it can’t give you the clap.
December 1, 2012 at 6:45 am
I could use two of them to do all my kitchen work.
December 1, 2012 at 5:54 pm
Do they come in left and right? I’m asking for a friend who sleeps after threesomes.
December 1, 2012 at 9:48 am
Can it say “where you going”? If you dare to move at night? Or yell “wake-up” at 6am? And do you have to cook breakfast for it? Will the “hamburger helper” hand cook dinner for you? So many questions……
December 1, 2012 at 5:13 pm
Have they got one that mows the lawn? I need that way more than a cuddle.
November 30, 2012 at 9:50 pm
“For Women”. Because a man sleeping with one of these would be…weird?
December 1, 2012 at 1:58 pm
The worse thing about this, is the weird way the arm that just the side of the hand rests against you, like it’s trying to avoid touching you full on.
You know it’s bad when even inanimate objects try to limit physical contact with you
December 1, 2012 at 2:03 pm
I think that black magic woman from the other day has cursed me, because I read that comment before posting and it made perfect sense.
December 1, 2012 at 4:26 pm
Chelsea Handler did a bit on this with with Sarah Colonna a while ago – nailed all the perfect weirdness. Love it!
December 1, 2012 at 5:56 pm
Nipple-pinching-grip or GTFO. People have needs.
December 3, 2012 at 9:04 am
At least it only has one hand and is incapable of that annoying, senseless, “tuning the radio” madness! Why men, why? We DON’T like that dammitt!
December 3, 2012 at 11:04 am
Why can’t people get with the times? Wiggling nipples like game controller toggles makes way more sense nowadays.
December 1, 2012 at 9:24 pm
On the one hand, it’s cheaper than getting married or trying to find a boyfriend. On the other hand…oh wait, it only has one hand.
December 2, 2012 at 9:23 am
The fact that it doesn’t talk more than makes up for that!
December 2, 2012 at 9:48 am
If you’re alone in your house and someone breaks in you can yell “I’m armed!”
December 2, 2012 at 12:40 pm
I’m sure “Eleanor Rigby” would have had a line in it about this if only it had already been invented at the time.
December 2, 2012 at 9:24 pm
FIXED IT
December 3, 2012 at 9:49 pm
Well, if it can hold my Jack for me, I’m gonna buy a few.
December 3, 2012 at 1:46 pm
I like that “Hug Me” is in the title, because it implies something in the seller’s life has led them to believe that other people enter that phrase into the Etsy search. I want very badly to know what that something is.