“What rolls down stairs alone or in pairs
Rolls over your neighbor’s dog?
What’s great for a snack and fits on your back?
It’s Log, Log, Log!
It’s Log, Log, it’s big, it’s heavy, it’s wood.
It’s Log, Log, it’s better than bad, it’s good!
Everyone wants a log! You’re gonna love it, Log!
Come on and get your log! Everyone needs a Log!”
Just wait until Fluffy takes the business public, then off-shores the work to Siamese cats (in Thailand, not Siamese-American ones) then they dump $1.99 feather toys on our shores and local, union cats are idled.
What if Fluffy found “Siamese-Siamese Cats”? You know, cats from Thailand that are also joined together in pairs? Do you realize how many cat toys they could churn out?
Our Fluffles is a house pussy. Outdoor pussies can be real savages. A cat tried to steal one of Bree’s headdresses. She sat it down next to her car when a cat came up, grabbed it and tried to run off with it.
I salute your balls, MermaidsBlueTurtle. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a large number of dog treats to begin advertising, once I harvest them from my cat’s litter box.
I’d love to try and make one myself, but I don’t know any birds (where do they hang out? Do you just ask them for feathers?) and as far as I know, there isn’t a “string store” anywhere in my town.
I once plucked a bird
Or should I say
She once plucked me
She showed me her toy
Isn’t it neat?
Etsy is cheap
She dangled a feather
In front of a cat with a squint
It played with the feather, I thought
“Boy, could we make a mint!”
I sat on the rug
Biding my time
Tying my twine
We set up a shop
And then she said
“We’ll knock ‘em dead”
She said that the PayPal receipts
Would roll in with a thud
I sat up all night wondering
How we could make dumber crud
And when I awoke
I was alone
This bird had flown?
Which just goes to show
Etsy shop turds
Are for the birds.
Needed for construction:
1 Petroleum
2 Refinery
3 DuPont
4 String-making factory
5 Bird egg of a biggish species
6 Bird food
Anyone should be able to take it from here but it’s important to understand that No’s 5&6 are not combined in any way with No’s 1-4 until the very end.
All these years of incomprehension, and finally, a translation. Thank you Matt!
RevW: “Cat toy! Cat toy!”
Cat: “Meee!OWWW!”
repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat
Two-oh-eight? Which part of th fantasticness is the .08 for? Having the string TIED? Using a genuine bird feather? Identifying all the parts? Whoa! Wait just a flippin’ minute! … how much extra are the INSTRUCTIONS, eh?
If you opt for the “Premium Package”, your cat toy comes with a real bell attached to the string somehow. It actually makes a real ringing sound, I’m not kidding! I’m not sure if they use a special professional glue or an advanced crafting technique that I’ve never heard of to attach it, but it’s well worth the extra $45.00.
“I made one of these for my cat. He’s very possessive of his. Just the string and feather for sale here. The cat’s name is Mr. Lee Slinkybutt. We rescued him from a shelter last spring.”
If you’re trying to make me take pity on the shop owner by showing me an adorable kitty who actually loves the toy, it won’t work. I am made of stronger stuff than that.
You’ll have to distract me with a red dot that moves around mysteriously ….
My cat was very possessive of crumpled-up grocery receipts until that obsession gave way to bendy soda straws, which gave way to paper towel rolls. Yet I have never attempted to sell any of these items on Etsy. What have I been doing with my life?!
I cannot believe the zillions of dollars I’ve missed out on by not selling the plastic rings that come off of milk cartons. I’m sure my own cat wouldn’t mind my selling away his happiness in order to be rolling in Cat Toy(r) dough.
“Cat toy” – really? How about “Tribal” + $5.00, “earth magick” + $10.00, “ritually energized talisman” +$20.00. Total profit: $34.80. Did Etsy stop giving those writer workshops, or something?
This is a feather tied to a 42 inch piece of string and I don’t need it. However if they offered a string tied to a 42 inch feather I might be interested.
November 14, 2012 at 10:03 am
You’re quilling me!
November 14, 2012 at 10:09 am
how can they hawk such a cheep item? buncha chickens.
November 14, 2012 at 10:39 pm
There is always someone gullible out there.
November 15, 2012 at 8:39 am
They’ll live to egret it.
November 14, 2012 at 10:11 am
Being able to craft at this level is a real feather in your cap.
November 14, 2012 at 10:38 pm
Call that crafting should be considered a cardinal sin.
November 14, 2012 at 11:40 pm
The seller is a birdbrain
November 14, 2012 at 10:13 am
It takes real talon-t.
November 14, 2012 at 10:18 am
Someone’s gonna get shafted.
November 14, 2012 at 11:13 am
That will fletch a pretty penny!
November 14, 2012 at 10:37 pm
Wonder what kind of pigeon they’ll get to buy it?
November 14, 2012 at 11:20 am
This tickles me!
November 14, 2012 at 1:00 pm
Feather you like it or not.
November 14, 2012 at 2:18 pm
The quality on Etsy has really gone DOWN!
November 15, 2012 at 8:28 am
Some people will go to Heron back for their crafts, but these lazy buzzards killdeer me.
November 14, 2012 at 10:04 am
The most amazing cat toy ever.
November 14, 2012 at 10:05 am
Damn, I finally caught an episode of “Etsy or Regretsy”!
Wait, what?
>_<
November 14, 2012 at 10:05 am
This rates right up there with The Log (Ren & Stimpy).
November 14, 2012 at 10:15 am
This seller has talent, but it’s not in the craft realm. It’s more of a talent for bullshitting people.
November 14, 2012 at 10:36 am
I guess we found out where all the sub-prime mortgage bundlers ended up.
November 14, 2012 at 10:38 am
Etsy is the shelter from the rain, Zippy.
November 14, 2012 at 10:45 am
The last refuge of a scoundrel! Wait, no, that’s patriotism. Damn you, Samuel (no L) Jackson!
November 14, 2012 at 10:48 am
That’s why I only listen to Samuel Adams. He never lies to me, and tastes delicious.
November 14, 2012 at 10:58 am
The founding fathers really knew what’s important in life.
November 14, 2012 at 1:01 pm
And (sadly) that is what etsy has become.
November 14, 2012 at 10:39 am
Aw, thanks. Now I’ve got the ad for “International Log” as my daily earworm!
November 14, 2012 at 12:19 pm
Now I have the song in my head…
“it’s log.. log…it’s big…it’s heavy…it’s wood..it’s log..log..it’s better than bad..it’s good.”
November 14, 2012 at 10:06 am
Where’s the rest?
November 14, 2012 at 6:10 pm
here you all go happy now !
“What rolls down stairs alone or in pairs
Rolls over your neighbor’s dog?
What’s great for a snack and fits on your back?
It’s Log, Log, Log!
It’s Log, Log, it’s big, it’s heavy, it’s wood.
It’s Log, Log, it’s better than bad, it’s good!
Everyone wants a log! You’re gonna love it, Log!
Come on and get your log! Everyone needs a Log!”
November 14, 2012 at 10:16 pm
And now, log for GIRLS!
November 14, 2012 at 10:07 am
November 14, 2012 at 10:07 am
$2.08!? This is easily worth $2.10.
$2.11 given good market conditions.
November 14, 2012 at 10:08 am
Finally a project to use up all that catgut I’ve got laying around.
November 14, 2012 at 10:13 am
That awkward moment when you’re playing with a cat toy and suddenly realize where Fluffy disappeared to.
November 14, 2012 at 2:42 pm
You’re telling me. 42″ string cat toy means 42″ of string to cut out of his intestines later after he ingests it.
November 14, 2012 at 10:10 am
I think the cat could actually make that.
November 14, 2012 at 10:24 am
I think our cat is trying to make cat toys. He always sneaking up and stealing feathers. I caught him stashing them under the bed.
November 14, 2012 at 10:27 am
Every time you come upon an obliterated bird on your doorstep, you can just say “That’s my Fluffy, the entrepreneur!”
November 14, 2012 at 10:43 am
Just wait until Fluffy takes the business public, then off-shores the work to Siamese cats (in Thailand, not Siamese-American ones) then they dump $1.99 feather toys on our shores and local, union cats are idled.
Or has it already happened?
November 14, 2012 at 10:45 am
What if Fluffy found “Siamese-Siamese Cats”? You know, cats from Thailand that are also joined together in pairs? Do you realize how many cat toys they could churn out?
November 14, 2012 at 10:48 am
They just better be ASS cats and not SSS cats. Our economy depends on it.
November 14, 2012 at 10:50 am
Our Fluffles is a house pussy. Outdoor pussies can be real savages. A cat tried to steal one of Bree’s headdresses. She sat it down next to her car when a cat came up, grabbed it and tried to run off with it.
November 14, 2012 at 1:04 pm
Nothing’s worse than a pussy running a-muck!
November 14, 2012 at 4:08 pm
What’s worse is no picture! She couldn’t take a picture cause the furry beast almost got away with the headdress!
November 14, 2012 at 10:40 pm
and I am unanimous in this!
November 14, 2012 at 10:13 am
Sticking feathers up your butt may not make you a chicken, but apparently it does make you an entrepreneur on Etsy.
November 14, 2012 at 10:18 am
Tyler Durden approves.
November 14, 2012 at 2:20 pm
If I did have a tumor, I would name it Marla.
November 14, 2012 at 4:49 pm
If it’s not a tumor I’ll name it Arnold Schwarzenegger.
November 14, 2012 at 10:16 am
I salute your balls, MermaidsBlueTurtle. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a large number of dog treats to begin advertising, once I harvest them from my cat’s litter box.
November 14, 2012 at 10:32 am
DON’T give her/him ideas! There’s enough drek in the shop already.
November 14, 2012 at 10:18 am
I’m sorry but my feather and string budget is only $2.00.
November 14, 2012 at 10:46 am
You might be able to buy them made in China.
November 14, 2012 at 10:18 am
I’d love to try and make one myself, but I don’t know any birds (where do they hang out? Do you just ask them for feathers?) and as far as I know, there isn’t a “string store” anywhere in my town.
November 14, 2012 at 10:23 am
I once asked a bird if I could pluck her but I think she heard it wrong and was quite the pecker about it.
November 14, 2012 at 10:56 am
I once plucked a bird
Or should I say
She once plucked me
She showed me her toy
Isn’t it neat?
Etsy is cheap
She dangled a feather
In front of a cat with a squint
It played with the feather, I thought
“Boy, could we make a mint!”
I sat on the rug
Biding my time
Tying my twine
We set up a shop
And then she said
“We’ll knock ‘em dead”
She said that the PayPal receipts
Would roll in with a thud
I sat up all night wondering
How we could make dumber crud
And when I awoke
I was alone
This bird had flown?
Which just goes to show
Etsy shop turds
Are for the birds.
November 14, 2012 at 11:41 am
The Norwegian Blue strikes again!
November 14, 2012 at 10:20 am
Mr. Lee Slinkybutt is about to strangle himself with that cord. Danger!
November 14, 2012 at 10:21 am
Needed for construction:
1 Petroleum
2 Refinery
3 DuPont
4 String-making factory
5 Bird egg of a biggish species
6 Bird food
Anyone should be able to take it from here but it’s important to understand that No’s 5&6 are not combined in any way with No’s 1-4 until the very end.
November 14, 2012 at 10:23 am
You lost me at “construction”. I don’t even have a hard hat.
November 14, 2012 at 10:26 am
You forgot #6, a $375 self turning egg incubator.
November 14, 2012 at 10:32 am
I was hoping to use the cat for that. Cats are good with eggs and hatchlings, right?
November 14, 2012 at 10:34 am
If you ask a random assortment of cats-on-the-street, the answer is 87% “Yes” The rest say ” meee?” which does not, technically count, as “yes”.
November 14, 2012 at 10:40 am
I’ve found that, in addition to “meeee?”, some say “owwwww”. But that may be because I was standing on their tails.
November 14, 2012 at 10:45 am
All these years of incomprehension, and finally, a translation. Thank you Matt!
RevW: “Cat toy! Cat toy!”
Cat: “Meee!OWWW!”
repeat repeat repeat repeat repeat
November 14, 2012 at 10:40 am
Damn it, #5.5. Need a new computer light ..
November 14, 2012 at 10:29 am
Plus, what are “knot-tying” classes gonna cost me? This is starting to seem like a money-pit.
November 14, 2012 at 10:52 am
Why did we even send you to Boy Scouts if you weren’t going to learn how to tie a knot or win us a huge settlement for something?
November 14, 2012 at 12:08 pm
Yeah, but I’m helping old ladies cross the street at a 5th grade level. The Scoutmaster said I might qualify for the State Scouting Championships!
November 14, 2012 at 10:29 am
7 Carrots, celery, onion, parsley, thyme, 1 qt water are also useful at the very end
November 14, 2012 at 10:23 am
Two-oh-eight? Which part of th fantasticness is the .08 for? Having the string TIED? Using a genuine bird feather? Identifying all the parts? Whoa! Wait just a flippin’ minute! … how much extra are the INSTRUCTIONS, eh?
November 14, 2012 at 10:35 am
String: $2.00
Feather: $ 0.08
Fun had if someone actually buys this: Priceless.
November 14, 2012 at 2:05 pm
Have you ever had to tie together 42 inches of used tampon strings? Let me tell you, it’s not easy. Eight cents for labor.
November 14, 2012 at 10:28 am
Remember the old SNL “commercial” for “Rope on a Stick!”?
I am actually amazed I could not find a video of that posted online anywhere. If someone finds it, please post it!!
Anyway, this “product” makes my brain hurt.
November 14, 2012 at 10:29 am
I just wish they had a higher-end version of this available. I’d be more than happy to pay a premium for it to be tied to a stick.
November 14, 2012 at 10:37 am
$2.28. Long barnwood strip is $1.12 extra.
November 14, 2012 at 10:36 am
Otherwise known as “Shit Leftover After My Redneck Husband Shot a Bird the Other Day and I Tied It Together and Cooked It”
November 14, 2012 at 10:55 am
If life gives you game, make, um, another game!
November 14, 2012 at 10:37 am
It’s the feather that never forgets!
I’m surprised it’s so affordable.
November 14, 2012 at 10:37 am
If you opt for the “Premium Package”, your cat toy comes with a real bell attached to the string somehow. It actually makes a real ringing sound, I’m not kidding! I’m not sure if they use a special professional glue or an advanced crafting technique that I’ve never heard of to attach it, but it’s well worth the extra $45.00.
November 14, 2012 at 10:38 am
Raptor + crafter = crap.
November 14, 2012 at 10:40 am
Crapter.
November 14, 2012 at 10:42 am
These can be made quickly. Velocicrapter.
November 14, 2012 at 10:47 am
Preys on idiots.
November 14, 2012 at 11:06 am
I’m so tired of resellers! Like we can’t tell this was mass produced?
November 14, 2012 at 11:47 am
Did you guys read the rest of the description?
“I made one of these for my cat. He’s very possessive of his. Just the string and feather for sale here. The cat’s name is Mr. Lee Slinkybutt. We rescued him from a shelter last spring.”
November 14, 2012 at 11:56 am
If you’re trying to make me take pity on the shop owner by showing me an adorable kitty who actually loves the toy, it won’t work. I am made of stronger stuff than that.
You’ll have to distract me with a red dot that moves around mysteriously ….
November 14, 2012 at 12:58 pm
My cat was very possessive of crumpled-up grocery receipts until that obsession gave way to bendy soda straws, which gave way to paper towel rolls. Yet I have never attempted to sell any of these items on Etsy. What have I been doing with my life?!
November 14, 2012 at 4:53 pm
What have you been doing with your trash? Just putting it outside for anyone to profit from?
November 14, 2012 at 10:13 pm
But did your cat love bendy soda straws ON A STRING???
big difference….big.
November 14, 2012 at 10:45 pm
Don’t forget twist ties and grocery sacks (both paper & plastic have found favor).
November 15, 2012 at 8:19 pm
I don’t know where in the house my kitty finds all the twist ties she comes up with.
November 15, 2012 at 1:39 pm
I cannot believe the zillions of dollars I’ve missed out on by not selling the plastic rings that come off of milk cartons. I’m sure my own cat wouldn’t mind my selling away his happiness in order to be rolling in Cat Toy(r) dough.
November 15, 2012 at 4:59 pm
I have actually seen bags of milk rings on sale as cat toys. Wish to God I could remember which store.
November 14, 2012 at 12:20 pm
42 inches? FUCK! I need one with a string of 43 inches. Guess I’ll have to keep looking.
November 14, 2012 at 11:43 pm
Same problem here, only I need string of 40 inches. Well, that’s life I suppose.
November 14, 2012 at 12:46 pm
November 14, 2012 at 1:40 pm
Mr Lee Slinkybutt will sell you the entire bird for $43.07. Don’t offer him $4.00 again, or he’ll bat you.
November 14, 2012 at 1:01 pm
I’m astonished no-one has made a topical joke about Colorado.
November 14, 2012 at 1:53 pm
“Cat toy” – really? How about “Tribal” + $5.00, “earth magick” + $10.00, “ritually energized talisman” +$20.00. Total profit: $34.80. Did Etsy stop giving those writer workshops, or something?
November 14, 2012 at 4:40 pm
At my house, it’s just the feather. I never thought about adding a string! My mind is blown HOW DO THEY DO IT?
November 14, 2012 at 5:00 pm
Would love to add a picture of Tard the Grumpy Cat here saying “Disapproves” but I don’t know how
November 14, 2012 at 7:46 pm
Is the feather from a free-range bird??
November 14, 2012 at 10:15 pm
My cat is allergic to gluten, how can I be sure this is gluten free nylon?
November 14, 2012 at 11:01 pm
November 14, 2012 at 11:45 pm
4 out of 5 vets recommend string as a toy for cats – veeery good for bussines!
November 14, 2012 at 11:51 pm
This is a feather tied to a 42 inch piece of string and I don’t need it. However if they offered a string tied to a 42 inch feather I might be interested.
November 15, 2012 at 3:23 am
Ok let’s say I get the 2 dollars…but why the 0.8???
November 15, 2012 at 10:50 am
Even road kill deserves to be upcycled
November 16, 2012 at 4:53 am
Let’s list the good points:
- it looks handmade
- it’s cheap
- cats might actually like it