I’VE GOT YOUR YULE LOG RIGHT HERE
The mitts were Hung…
I can’t believe I’ve made it to 39 without owning that shirt. If anyone’s looking for something to get me for Christmas, look no further.
Well I thought I was being soooo thoughtful by giving you the 2012 Etsy Birds Chicken and Sparrow Foot Collection (TM). Hmph. What will I do with it now?
I’m thinking cake-topper.
Weave them all into a waterproof container so you can have a clawfoot tub! Those raise home values.
Smart move, because those things are priced by the claw.
I have one that’s based on a millipede. It’s worth more than my house. If my house catches fire, I’m saving my millipede tub first.
Now that’s just cilia.
You shouldn’t have pede in your tub.
The tough thing about moving those tubs is getting the workmen not to damage the feet. Oddly enough, doctors who work with children are good at it. They’re familiar with pede attrition.
This thread’s got legs, man…
Yes. It must be Aragorn or Gimli. Since it isn’t Legolas.
Couldn’t you get it to scuttle out of the house by itself?
I find your naivete adorable, lettucego, but millipede tubs do not scuttle, my dear.
Oops, I feel so milly. I mean silly.
They prance. Like a many-legged show pony.
if they get out of hand, have a dressage clown nearby to distract them.
It’s the Blue Man Group Christmas special!
I’m never buying discount Christmas cookie frosting ever again.
Hi. Straight Guy here.
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me: two over mitts and a pear in some tighty whiteys.
I see an albino Mr. Potatohead.
Pretty sure I recognize the shape…
Sexy oven mitts? Really?
So “sexy” is the new “cake topper”- like anything can be called sexy at this point?
In their defense – and don’t even ask why I’m defending – I believe there are sexy men ON the oven mitts. Of course, you’d have to be able to look away from the mesmerizing bulge to see them.
The thumb of the mitt looks more like a dick than the actual bulge. The bulge looks like some kind of amalgamation of scrotum and dick combined.
Having seen my share of “I’m wearing my tight underpants over my erection for you on Instagram” pics, it looks like it’s mean to be a boner erect against the abdomen and some moderately large balls. Which makes me wonder just how specific mannequin designers get??!!?!?
I would have thought those pictures would be on “Peenterest”.
You typed “would” instead of “wood”.
I thought the bulge looks rather like a sweet potato glued into his crotch.
I saw a pair and i mean the fruit kind
the thumb and mitt looks like a bloke having worn ball stretchers for toooo long. Roll the cuff back a bit and would be all festive warmery for the scrotery.
There are oven mitts in that picture? I haven’t noticed.
I know. That gray background is really distracting.
Is it just me, or is the art style on of the ‘sexy’ christmas themed man print the same as the ‘sexy’ halloween themed man print those ‘sexy’ vampire menstrual pads had?
Or maybe I am just making shit up so I can mention I totally own a sexy vampire menstrual pad in almost-believably-casual conversation?
I like fast cars but I don’t know what hot rods have to do with Christmas.
you’ve obviously never been to Hot Rod’s during their Christmas party
hey, if the oven mitts are the ONLY thing you’re wearing…
but then, that would make standard issue business socks sexy too.
wait…no it wouldn’t…
I haven’t clicked the link (I know better by now!), but I’m going to guess that is the “Business Time” song.
If it’s not, it should be.
Ever since Justin Timberlake brought sexy back there’s been no avoiding it.
Zip- I’m giving you first dibs on my new line of “sexy fanny-packs”. They’re really sexy.
As long as this doesn’t compete with my line of “sexy sporrans”. Which are really just boxes you hang in front of your crotch. With your dick in them. Which isn’t really my line, it’s Justin Timberlake’s. I hope he can’t afford a good lawyer.
Much like Justin Timberlake, I’m also bringing sexy back, except by “sexy” I mean “poverty”.
I’m bringing “hobo” back but I’m re-branding it as “retrobo” to maximize buy-in.
“Vintage Bum” could also work.
Would be better if they were selling on mitt at a time. I don’t know what I would do with two.
awww…so sorry, Holytape!
Here, maybe this will help your condition:
for the record, that was just supposed to be funny, not an actual insult
also for the record…holy crap! that’s an actual website!
You know, we could all leave if you just want to talk to yourself here, G Val. It’s no problem.
are you sure? I wouldn’t want to inconvenience anyone…
Seriously? That’s not what you said last night!
oh, piss off, G Val! I wasn’t talking to you…
Screw YOU! I’m going home to Mother!
WAIT! COME BACK! I…
dammit. 3rd time this month already.
Sometimes you can be such a dick to yourself.
“You only hurt the ones you are.”
Uh, unless that site contains information on how inject opossum genes so that I grow a forked nearly prehensile penis, I still don’t see why I would need two.
(Useless information of the day. Opossums are one of the few mammals with an odd number of nipples.)
Useless information??? I was totally looking for a great icebreaker for my “best-man” speech at a buddy’s wedding, and you’ve just solved my problem!
There is no such thing as useless information when it comes to nipples.
PS My dog has 12 of them.
Nipple info should always be shared freely. I mean, we’re not Communists, right?
How many forked penises does she have? Not that I’m nosy.
I have two (that the Government knows about).
Sheesh, they tax everything these days!
I keep my other nipples in an offshore account. But you didn’t hear that from me, ok?
Ahh, The Bikini Atoll. Not just for H-Bombs anymore.
It would be more than a little unsettling if my partner came into the bedroom with oven mitts on- I would think they had some major trust or germ issues.
A woman might think a man wearing those was trying to “slip a bun into the oven.”
I would think they were totally baked.
I like handling a hot rack without oven mitts on but if it’s a really, really hot rack sometimes I just have to mitt up.
Rack of Ages.
funny, if my partner came into the bedroom with nothing on but oven mitts, my immediate reaction would be
OH BOY! THIS IS GOING TO BE INTERESTING!
Appropriate for those with latex allergies, too.
the swollen bits feel better
They might just think you are hot?
this begs for the oven mitts
Where’s this from and why would a just God allow its existence?
….dammit. I got started on this as a Terrible Photoshop for recovering from a car accident, and then my pain medicine kicked in, and photoshop got too confusing.
Dear Penthouse Forum,
I never thought anything like this would happen to me…
Dear Betty Crocker Cookbook,
Dear Nigella Lawson,
NOW can I touch them? Pweeeze?
…would anyone like a cookie?
This is the first Christmas thing I’ve seen that hasn’t filled me with rage.
Or heard. Let the 6-8 weeks of canned Xmas tunes in stores/elevators/offices/radios/basically everywhere begin. Happy ragedays!
Man, I’m gonna trample so many shoppers this season.
p.s.- If any of you beat me to the last Cabbage Patch Kid, I’ll beat the crap out of you with it.
For a moment I thought you wanted to not be beaten with a Cabbage Patch Kid. too bad. That would have been fun.
Did you want to beat me with a Cabbage Patch Kid, Lemon? I can’t tell if you mean that in a kinky or mean way.
I hate those dolls. it would be fun to beat one against a rough brick wall.
and yes, yes I would
That’s what she said.
I suppose Santa trim must be stain and flame retardant because of all the chimney/fireplace action and coal-handling.
Those will come in really handy when I invite close friends over to do some naked Christmas baking.
We’ll probably make Snickerdoodles.
Or sticky buns?
They don’t make those till the end.
Don’t you mean Dickerdoodles?
Sheesh, listen, Pro Tip: if you have a sexy guy in boxer shorts handy, what you DON’T do is use him to grab the 450-degree metal oven rack. Offer him a blow job, have him fix your toilet, make him kneel on the kitchen floor and atone for humankind’s sins … SOMETHING useful. But “hey, wow, hot guy: let’s scorch him!” A little too “burn the witch” for my taste.
Presumably they had to use that alien-like model thing because there weren’t any actual handsome men – or sane human beings, most likely – within a hundred-mile radius of whoever made these godless things.
If you wear these, the only trim you’re going to get will be the trim on the mitts. I don’t care how “sexy men” you are.
Avocado in a matte vinyl catsuit with oven mitts … MmmMmMm! Guacamole time! I’m sorry, I meant alligator pear. They have more … bite. No, not sorry! Christmas party at Rozzzzwell! I’ll be back right after I get my meds adjusted.
Two Oven Mitts and a Pot Passer…although I guess the Pot Passer was standard equipment.
108 replies and I’m the first person to use the word “moose-knuckle”!
Looks like a third mitt is needed.
you guys don’t even know what sexy is.
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