Well I thought I was being soooo thoughtful by giving you the 2012 Etsy Birds Chicken and Sparrow Foot Collection (TM). Hmph. What will I do with it now?
The tough thing about moving those tubs is getting the workmen not to damage the feet. Oddly enough, doctors who work with children are good at it. They’re familiar with pede attrition.
In their defense – and don’t even ask why I’m defending – I believe there are sexy men ON the oven mitts. Of course, you’d have to be able to look away from the mesmerizing bulge to see them.
Having seen my share of “I’m wearing my tight underpants over my erection for you on Instagram” pics, it looks like it’s mean to be a boner erect against the abdomen and some moderately large balls. Which makes me wonder just how specific mannequin designers get??!!?!?
the thumb and mitt looks like a bloke having worn ball stretchers for toooo long. Roll the cuff back a bit and would be all festive warmery for the scrotery.
Is it just me, or is the art style on of the ‘sexy’ christmas themed man print the same as the ‘sexy’ halloween themed man print those ‘sexy’ vampire menstrual pads had?
Or maybe I am just making shit up so I can mention I totally own a sexy vampire menstrual pad in almost-believably-casual conversation?
As long as this doesn’t compete with my line of “sexy sporrans”. Which are really just boxes you hang in front of your crotch. With your dick in them. Which isn’t really my line, it’s Justin Timberlake’s. I hope he can’t afford a good lawyer.
Uh, unless that site contains information on how inject opossum genes so that I grow a forked nearly prehensile penis, I still don’t see why I would need two.
(Useless information of the day. Opossums are one of the few mammals with an odd number of nipples.)
It would be more than a little unsettling if my partner came into the bedroom with oven mitts on- I would think they had some major trust or germ issues.
….dammit. I got started on this as a Terrible Photoshop for recovering from a car accident, and then my pain medicine kicked in, and photoshop got too confusing.
Sheesh, listen, Pro Tip: if you have a sexy guy in boxer shorts handy, what you DON’T do is use him to grab the 450-degree metal oven rack. Offer him a blow job, have him fix your toilet, make him kneel on the kitchen floor and atone for humankind’s sins … SOMETHING useful. But “hey, wow, hot guy: let’s scorch him!” A little too “burn the witch” for my taste.
Presumably they had to use that alien-like model thing because there weren’t any actual handsome men – or sane human beings, most likely – within a hundred-mile radius of whoever made these godless things.
Avocado in a matte vinyl catsuit with oven mitts … MmmMmMm! Guacamole time! I’m sorry, I meant alligator pear. They have more … bite. No, not sorry! Christmas party at Rozzzzwell! I’ll be back right after I get my meds adjusted.
November 13, 2012 at 10:04 am
The mitts were Hung…
November 13, 2012 at 10:09 am
Mitt Rodme!
November 13, 2012 at 10:16 am
November 13, 2012 at 10:20 am
I can’t believe I’ve made it to 39 without owning that shirt. If anyone’s looking for something to get me for Christmas, look no further.
November 13, 2012 at 10:25 am
Well I thought I was being soooo thoughtful by giving you the 2012 Etsy Birds Chicken and Sparrow Foot Collection (TM). Hmph. What will I do with it now?
November 13, 2012 at 10:27 am
I’m thinking cake-topper.
November 13, 2012 at 10:29 am
Weave them all into a waterproof container so you can have a clawfoot tub! Those raise home values.
November 13, 2012 at 10:45 am
Smart move, because those things are priced by the claw.
November 13, 2012 at 10:46 am
I have one that’s based on a millipede. It’s worth more than my house. If my house catches fire, I’m saving my millipede tub first.
November 13, 2012 at 10:48 am
Now that’s just cilia.
November 13, 2012 at 10:52 am
You shouldn’t have pede in your tub.
November 13, 2012 at 10:54 am
The tough thing about moving those tubs is getting the workmen not to damage the feet. Oddly enough, doctors who work with children are good at it. They’re familiar with pede attrition.
November 13, 2012 at 10:55 am
This thread’s got legs, man…
November 13, 2012 at 10:59 am
Yes. It must be Aragorn or Gimli. Since it isn’t Legolas.
November 13, 2012 at 10:56 am
Couldn’t you get it to scuttle out of the house by itself?
November 13, 2012 at 11:01 am
I find your naivete adorable, lettucego, but millipede tubs do not scuttle, my dear.
November 13, 2012 at 11:04 am
Oops, I feel so milly. I mean silly.
November 13, 2012 at 11:06 am
They prance. Like a many-legged show pony.
November 13, 2012 at 12:58 pm
if they get out of hand, have a dressage clown nearby to distract them.
November 13, 2012 at 10:06 am
It’s the Blue Man Group Christmas special!
November 13, 2012 at 10:08 am
I’m never buying discount Christmas cookie frosting ever again.
November 13, 2012 at 2:42 pm
Hi. Straight Guy here.
(Call me)
November 13, 2012 at 4:09 pm
(Maybe)
November 13, 2012 at 10:08 am
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me: two over mitts and a pear in some tighty whiteys.
November 13, 2012 at 11:32 am
A pear?
I see an albino Mr. Potatohead.
November 13, 2012 at 3:02 pm
Pretty sure I recognize the shape…
November 13, 2012 at 10:09 am
Sexy oven mitts? Really?
So “sexy” is the new “cake topper”- like anything can be called sexy at this point?
November 13, 2012 at 10:17 am
In their defense – and don’t even ask why I’m defending – I believe there are sexy men ON the oven mitts. Of course, you’d have to be able to look away from the mesmerizing bulge to see them.
November 13, 2012 at 10:26 am
The thumb of the mitt looks more like a dick than the actual bulge. The bulge looks like some kind of amalgamation of scrotum and dick combined.
November 13, 2012 at 10:36 am
Having seen my share of “I’m wearing my tight underpants over my erection for you on Instagram” pics, it looks like it’s mean to be a boner erect against the abdomen and some moderately large balls. Which makes me wonder just how specific mannequin designers get??!!?!?
November 13, 2012 at 10:42 am
I would have thought those pictures would be on “Peenterest”.
November 13, 2012 at 10:46 am
Poke-Man.
November 13, 2012 at 10:58 am
Groindr
November 13, 2012 at 4:44 pm
MyFace
November 13, 2012 at 5:56 pm
Ha Ha!
You typed “would” instead of “wood”.
November 13, 2012 at 11:17 am
I thought the bulge looks rather like a sweet potato glued into his crotch.
November 13, 2012 at 4:30 pm
I saw a pair and i mean the fruit kind
November 13, 2012 at 1:55 pm
the thumb and mitt looks like a bloke having worn ball stretchers for toooo long. Roll the cuff back a bit and would be all festive warmery for the scrotery.
November 13, 2012 at 10:49 am
There are oven mitts in that picture? I haven’t noticed.
November 13, 2012 at 11:07 am
I know. That gray background is really distracting.
November 14, 2012 at 10:57 pm
Is it just me, or is the art style on of the ‘sexy’ christmas themed man print the same as the ‘sexy’ halloween themed man print those ‘sexy’ vampire menstrual pads had?
Or maybe I am just making shit up so I can mention I totally own a sexy vampire menstrual pad in almost-believably-casual conversation?
November 13, 2012 at 10:17 am
I like fast cars but I don’t know what hot rods have to do with Christmas.
November 13, 2012 at 10:22 am
you’ve obviously never been to Hot Rod’s during their Christmas party
November 13, 2012 at 10:18 am
hey, if the oven mitts are the ONLY thing you’re wearing…
but then, that would make standard issue business socks sexy too.
wait…no it wouldn’t…
November 13, 2012 at 11:03 am
http://youtu.be/WGOohBytKTU
November 13, 2012 at 5:12 pm
I haven’t clicked the link (I know better by now!), but I’m going to guess that is the “Business Time” song.
If it’s not, it should be.
November 13, 2012 at 10:18 am
Ever since Justin Timberlake brought sexy back there’s been no avoiding it.
November 13, 2012 at 10:37 am
Zip- I’m giving you first dibs on my new line of “sexy fanny-packs”. They’re really sexy.
November 13, 2012 at 10:47 am
As long as this doesn’t compete with my line of “sexy sporrans”. Which are really just boxes you hang in front of your crotch. With your dick in them. Which isn’t really my line, it’s Justin Timberlake’s. I hope he can’t afford a good lawyer.
November 13, 2012 at 10:54 am
Much like Justin Timberlake, I’m also bringing sexy back, except by “sexy” I mean “poverty”.
November 13, 2012 at 11:02 am
I’m bringing “hobo” back but I’m re-branding it as “retrobo” to maximize buy-in.
November 13, 2012 at 11:08 am
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Hobosexual
November 13, 2012 at 11:09 am
“Vintage Bum” could also work.
November 13, 2012 at 4:26 pm
“Vintagegrant”
November 13, 2012 at 10:09 am
Would be better if they were selling on mitt at a time. I don’t know what I would do with two.
November 13, 2012 at 10:20 am
awww…so sorry, Holytape!
Here, maybe this will help your condition:
http://www.penis-enlargement-guide.com/
November 13, 2012 at 10:22 am
for the record, that was just supposed to be funny, not an actual insult
Carry on
November 13, 2012 at 10:26 am
also for the record…holy crap! that’s an actual website!
Carry on
November 13, 2012 at 10:38 am
You know, we could all leave if you just want to talk to yourself here, G Val. It’s no problem.
November 13, 2012 at 12:48 pm
are you sure? I wouldn’t want to inconvenience anyone…
November 13, 2012 at 12:48 pm
Seriously? That’s not what you said last night!
November 13, 2012 at 12:49 pm
oh, piss off, G Val! I wasn’t talking to you…
this time…
November 13, 2012 at 12:49 pm
Screw YOU! I’m going home to Mother!
November 13, 2012 at 12:50 pm
WAIT! COME BACK! I…
dammit. 3rd time this month already.
November 13, 2012 at 12:56 pm
Sometimes you can be such a dick to yourself.
November 13, 2012 at 4:27 pm
“You only hurt the ones you are.”
- Sybil
November 13, 2012 at 10:39 am
Uh, unless that site contains information on how inject opossum genes so that I grow a forked nearly prehensile penis, I still don’t see why I would need two.
(Useless information of the day. Opossums are one of the few mammals with an odd number of nipples.)
November 13, 2012 at 10:41 am
Useless information??? I was totally looking for a great icebreaker for my “best-man” speech at a buddy’s wedding, and you’ve just solved my problem!
November 13, 2012 at 12:57 pm
There is no such thing as useless information when it comes to nipples.
PS My dog has 12 of them.
November 13, 2012 at 1:01 pm
Nipple info should always be shared freely. I mean, we’re not Communists, right?
November 13, 2012 at 1:03 pm
How many forked penises does she have? Not that I’m nosy.
November 13, 2012 at 1:29 pm
I have two (that the Government knows about).
November 13, 2012 at 1:36 pm
Sheesh, they tax everything these days!
November 13, 2012 at 1:48 pm
I keep my other nipples in an offshore account. But you didn’t hear that from me, ok?
November 13, 2012 at 4:23 pm
Ahh, The Bikini Atoll. Not just for H-Bombs anymore.
November 13, 2012 at 10:18 am
It would be more than a little unsettling if my partner came into the bedroom with oven mitts on- I would think they had some major trust or germ issues.
November 13, 2012 at 10:20 am
A woman might think a man wearing those was trying to “slip a bun into the oven.”
November 13, 2012 at 10:24 am
I would think they were totally baked.
November 13, 2012 at 10:32 am
I like handling a hot rack without oven mitts on but if it’s a really, really hot rack sometimes I just have to mitt up.
November 13, 2012 at 10:43 am
Rack of Ages.
November 13, 2012 at 10:24 am
funny, if my partner came into the bedroom with nothing on but oven mitts, my immediate reaction would be
OH BOY! THIS IS GOING TO BE INTERESTING!
November 13, 2012 at 10:39 am
Appropriate for those with latex allergies, too.
November 13, 2012 at 12:51 pm
the swollen bits feel better
November 13, 2012 at 10:25 am
They might just think you are hot?
November 13, 2012 at 10:20 am
November 13, 2012 at 12:59 pm
Where’s this from and why would a just God allow its existence?
November 13, 2012 at 2:39 pm
….dammit. I got started on this as a Terrible Photoshop for recovering from a car accident, and then my pain medicine kicked in, and photoshop got too confusing.
November 13, 2012 at 10:24 am
Dear Penthouse Forum,
I never thought anything like this would happen to me…
November 13, 2012 at 10:58 am
Dear Betty Crocker Cookbook,
I never thought anything like this would happen to me…
November 13, 2012 at 11:02 am
Dear Nigella Lawson,
NOW can I touch them? Pweeeze?
November 13, 2012 at 10:24 am
…would anyone like a cookie?
November 13, 2012 at 10:26 am
This is the first Christmas thing I’ve seen that hasn’t filled me with rage.
November 13, 2012 at 12:42 pm
Or heard. Let the 6-8 weeks of canned Xmas tunes in stores/elevators/offices/radios/basically everywhere begin. Happy ragedays!
November 13, 2012 at 1:04 pm
Man, I’m gonna trample so many shoppers this season.
p.s.- If any of you beat me to the last Cabbage Patch Kid, I’ll beat the crap out of you with it.
November 13, 2012 at 2:48 pm
For a moment I thought you wanted to not be beaten with a Cabbage Patch Kid. too bad. That would have been fun.
November 14, 2012 at 9:01 am
Did you want to beat me with a Cabbage Patch Kid, Lemon? I can’t tell if you mean that in a kinky or mean way.
November 14, 2012 at 12:49 pm
I hate those dolls. it would be fun to beat one against a rough brick wall.
November 13, 2012 at 10:26 am
you’re fast!
and yes, yes I would
November 13, 2012 at 12:51 pm
That’s what she said.
November 13, 2012 at 10:25 am
I suppose Santa trim must be stain and flame retardant because of all the chimney/fireplace action and coal-handling.
November 13, 2012 at 10:30 am
Those will come in really handy when I invite close friends over to do some naked Christmas baking.
We’ll probably make Snickerdoodles.
November 13, 2012 at 12:52 pm
Or sticky buns?
November 13, 2012 at 12:57 pm
They don’t make those till the end.
November 13, 2012 at 2:49 pm
Rum balls?
November 13, 2012 at 4:48 pm
Ladyfingers?
November 13, 2012 at 5:00 pm
Don’t you mean Dickerdoodles?
November 13, 2012 at 10:34 am
Sheesh, listen, Pro Tip: if you have a sexy guy in boxer shorts handy, what you DON’T do is use him to grab the 450-degree metal oven rack. Offer him a blow job, have him fix your toilet, make him kneel on the kitchen floor and atone for humankind’s sins … SOMETHING useful. But “hey, wow, hot guy: let’s scorch him!” A little too “burn the witch” for my taste.
November 13, 2012 at 12:52 pm
Marry me?
November 13, 2012 at 12:58 pm
Presumably they had to use that alien-like model thing because there weren’t any actual handsome men – or sane human beings, most likely – within a hundred-mile radius of whoever made these godless things.
November 13, 2012 at 2:25 pm
If you wear these, the only trim you’re going to get will be the trim on the mitts. I don’t care how “sexy men” you are.
November 13, 2012 at 3:27 pm
Avocado in a matte vinyl catsuit with oven mitts … MmmMmMm! Guacamole time! I’m sorry, I meant alligator pear. They have more … bite. No, not sorry! Christmas party at Rozzzzwell! I’ll be back right after I get my meds adjusted.
November 13, 2012 at 5:59 pm
Two Oven Mitts and a Pot Passer…although I guess the Pot Passer was standard equipment.
November 13, 2012 at 6:25 pm
108 replies and I’m the first person to use the word “moose-knuckle”!
Cha-Ching!!!
November 14, 2012 at 10:32 pm
Looks like a third mitt is needed.
November 17, 2012 at 5:36 pm
you guys don’t even know what sexy is.
