I was starting to think my long hidden fantasy of having Lucille Ball watch me beat a set of crusty emu legs to second-death with a wooden dildo in my man cave would never come true.
Alien was the first thing that came to mind seeing that – just with a sort of “surreal” stomach.
Second thing was that the only way that thing would catch an eye is if an child ran, or an adult tripped and fell, into that thing and poked his/her eye out.
doesn’t look like Lucille Ball. I tell you, tho, I can see Xmas gifts for those hard-to-please folks on my lists…esp the ones I never want to see again.
A decapitated head that looks like Joan Crawford in a red wig, a poop lamp, velociraptor feet, crap from a redneck’s backyard with toilet paper on it, and an apparently severed finger to use as a dildo… This is directly out of one of my nightmares.
The Man Cave thing: apparently you go drinking while hunting and rush home because that swill you were drinking gave you the shits? I’m only guessing here. Or, you go to use the bathroom & it smells so bad already, the ammo is supplied so you can shoot yourself? IDK…
That head looks nothing like Lucille Ball. Except it has red hair. It reminds me of those giant decapitated Barbie heads they used to sell so kids could play beautician on them. But not at 3000 dollars. Feh!
Did you not even read the description? This sculpture was done in a style similar to a famous guy’s. and while sure, usually those guys mark their work in some way, it’s possible that they took a pass on explicitly claiming this piece, probably so as not to mar its perfect beauty. At $3000, I’m not exactly sure how you can afford to pass this chance up.
Oh, you mean the polished wooden dildo that looks like it’s been used and hasn’t been cleaned? Reminds me of a typical Saturday night.. in regards to that thing.. UM.. NO.
These are all so perfect! I want them ALL in my house* – they go so well together with the subtle thematic ties. Thank you for curating this wonderful collection.
* (That I am set-decorating for a horror movie about a serial killer who poses as a hipster.)
Mildly Angry Etsy Seller
November 11, 2012 at 9:21 pm
Glad I’m not the only one who noticed that and thought it was weird. I was starting to think that that was standard dildo practice, and I was the only one who didn’t know.
Dildos really ought to have more of an ‘opposite end’ to grab onto, so they don’t get, um, lost inside. I have a friend (no, really, a friend) (well, these days, more of an ex-friend) who lacks a belly button because that’s how they had to go in to him to get a dildo out.
Maybe the base from that lamp thingie could become the base of the dildo. It would be almost as if you were vaginally or rectally inserting the Chest-Burster creature from Alien. That has to be someone’s fantasy.
Indeed, I’m pretty sure the expression on “Lucille Ball”‘s face was captured while watching someone do just that …
The good news is, these days they DO make most anal insertion toys with a flared base and/or hook/hole for retrieval. (Nothing can be unrecoverable via doctor’s exam from a bajingo.) Not that I know about this sort of thing.
…Just kidding, if my mother ever comes upon my toy collection she’ll drop dead with all-white hair and a look of shame.
I’m going to guess it’s the kind of situation where (a) once you realize there is a problem, ou try everything you can think of to solve it yourself but (b) everything your panicked brain suggests just makes things worse. I’m not sure what the limit is before you need surgical extraction, but I bet finishing that marathon is a lot less fun than starting it.
I noticed it, but there are so many things wrong in all of these it seemed to get lost in the shuffle. I was first and foremost appalled at how much that head does NOT look like Lucy, I don’t care if it was sculpted by Michelangelo himself!
“That severed head is not Lucille Ball, it’s Joan Crawford.” “No, wait, it’s Loretta Young!” “Those aren’t shotgun shells on that wreath/TP holder, they’re rifle shells!” “Ha,ha, they misspelled ‘complement’!” All while I’m still picking my jaw up off the floor. I really love you guys. (Wipes tear)
Mildly Angry Etsy Seller
November 11, 2012 at 9:28 pm
Aren’t you supposed to put things on an end table? Those feet really don’t leave enough room. Perhaps they should have done a dining room table instead, lots of space on those things, and it would be quite a conversation piece.
Please enjoy my art collection. Clockwise around the room;
“Babalu”,
“Pile o’ Poo”,
“Stumped Emu”,
“Trailer Home Loo”,
“Splintery Screw”
AND FINALLY – YOOOOOUUUUU!
*stab stab*
Just took another glance at that dildo. If you look at it (opposite of it’s intended use, I see a small thumb nail and (further up) the joint of the thumb…the flaring look of the intended use end is the bloody stump where they ripped it off someone’s hand. Wait, did I take my meds yet today?…
November 11, 2012 at 4:08 pm
I was starting to think my long hidden fantasy of having Lucille Ball watch me beat a set of crusty emu legs to second-death with a wooden dildo in my man cave would never come true.
That lamp, though… that lamp is just stupid.
November 11, 2012 at 5:37 pm
That lamp looks like a turd and an octopus fighting the face hugger from Alien.
November 11, 2012 at 6:50 pm
Yeah, “have to sell this to make room for more” GET THE MESSAGE! Stop it!!!!!
November 11, 2012 at 11:42 pm
Translated: Hurricane Sandy has “created” lots more lumps of roots and branch for me to foist on fools.
November 11, 2012 at 11:48 pm
Alien was the first thing that came to mind seeing that – just with a sort of “surreal” stomach.
Second thing was that the only way that thing would catch an eye is if an child ran, or an adult tripped and fell, into that thing and poked his/her eye out.
November 11, 2012 at 8:07 pm
“You paid $3000 for that?! You’ve got some ‘splaining to do”
November 11, 2012 at 10:46 pm
Would you wear the Stag beer can wreath, or is that part of the mopping-up?
November 11, 2012 at 11:25 pm
No, the TP is for the mopping-up.
November 12, 2012 at 11:18 am
as i scrolled slowwwly down the list, the TP under the wreath took me so off guard that i LOLed and nearly needed some!
November 11, 2012 at 4:09 pm
doesn’t look like Lucille Ball. I tell you, tho, I can see Xmas gifts for those hard-to-please folks on my lists…esp the ones I never want to see again.
November 11, 2012 at 4:10 pm
the lamp based on the pile of doggie turds is especially nice….oh, it’s wood? Sorry..easy mistake.
November 11, 2012 at 4:34 pm
My first thought was “Aaaah! No wire hangers EVER!”
November 11, 2012 at 5:31 pm
That was my first thought, but my second thought was: “Vitches….of Inkland!”
November 11, 2012 at 5:04 pm
Looks more like a cross between a young Phyllis Diller and a young Zsa Zsa Gabor.
November 11, 2012 at 5:52 pm
I think it looks just like Lucy…If Lucy had gone to the same plastic surgeon that Joan Rivers used.
November 11, 2012 at 6:52 pm
I don’t recall Lucille having buck teeth.
November 16, 2012 at 9:05 pm
I think the seller is basing the identification on two things:
1) The hair and the satin wrap look like the “Lucy Show” logo
2) Lucy stuff sells like crazy.
I thought it looked more like Audrey Meadows.
November 11, 2012 at 4:09 pm
My soul has left my body, and it now belongs to that Lucille Ball head. Never should have looked the damn thing in the eyes.
November 11, 2012 at 4:10 pm
A decapitated head that looks like Joan Crawford in a red wig, a poop lamp, velociraptor feet, crap from a redneck’s backyard with toilet paper on it, and an apparently severed finger to use as a dildo… This is directly out of one of my nightmares.
November 11, 2012 at 4:23 pm
If those were velociraptor feet, they would be on their way to my house right now. Emu feet are just dead common.
November 11, 2012 at 5:26 pm
I also thought it looked like Joan Crawford. She was a redhead.
November 11, 2012 at 6:56 pm
The Man Cave thing: apparently you go drinking while hunting and rush home because that swill you were drinking gave you the shits? I’m only guessing here. Or, you go to use the bathroom & it smells so bad already, the ammo is supplied so you can shoot yourself? IDK…
November 11, 2012 at 4:16 pm
That dildo looks like somebody used it while Aunt Flo was visiting.
November 11, 2012 at 4:17 pm
That head looks nothing like Lucille Ball. Except it has red hair. It reminds me of those giant decapitated Barbie heads they used to sell so kids could play beautician on them. But not at 3000 dollars. Feh!
November 11, 2012 at 4:52 pm
The Barbie head looked more like Lucille Ball.
November 12, 2012 at 4:23 am
They still make them, only now they’re not life-sized, so it’s even creepier…..like shrunken Barbie heads….
November 13, 2012 at 6:26 am
Did you not even read the description? This sculpture was done in a style similar to a famous guy’s. and while sure, usually those guys mark their work in some way, it’s possible that they took a pass on explicitly claiming this piece, probably so as not to mar its perfect beauty. At $3000, I’m not exactly sure how you can afford to pass this chance up.
November 11, 2012 at 4:18 pm
I find it more amusing that more people pointed out the Drag Queen Lucille Ball head than the polished wooden dildo…
November 11, 2012 at 4:25 pm
Looks more like the Joker.
November 11, 2012 at 5:13 pm
That’s because we’ve seen polished wooden dildos on Regretsy before.
…we have, right? It’s not just me?
November 11, 2012 at 5:55 pm
A very penetrating observation, 13th.
November 11, 2012 at 5:56 pm
I do like to look deep into things.
November 11, 2012 at 5:57 pm
(Otherwise I might cock it all up!)
November 11, 2012 at 7:00 pm
Oh, you mean the polished wooden dildo that looks like it’s been used and hasn’t been cleaned? Reminds me of a typical Saturday night.. in regards to that thing.. UM.. NO.
November 11, 2012 at 4:19 pm
Very well-done sculpture, technically, but is creepy and doesn’t look anything like Lucille Ball!
I have no words for the rest. Particularly the dildo.
November 11, 2012 at 4:22 pm
And are those feet ostrich or emu? Can’t be both two different birds.
November 11, 2012 at 4:59 pm
Perhaps one of each? And there’s a similar set for sale elsewhere, but reversed.
November 11, 2012 at 11:28 pm
Dangit! I hate when I wake up all bleary-eyed in the morning and mix up my flightless bird feet. Such a decor faux pas.
November 12, 2012 at 9:05 am
Somewhere a one-legged ostrich and a one-legged emu are getting around hilariously by entwining their necks together. AND PLOTTING REVENGE!
November 12, 2012 at 5:30 pm
There is a very easy way to tell if it is Emu or ostrich – emus can’t walk backwards!
November 12, 2012 at 8:31 pm
So the emu has to lead. Whateves.
November 11, 2012 at 4:24 pm
These are all so perfect! I want them ALL in my house* – they go so well together with the subtle thematic ties. Thank you for curating this wonderful collection.
* (That I am set-decorating for a horror movie about a serial killer who poses as a hipster.)
November 11, 2012 at 6:12 pm
Let me guess… he did it in the Man Cave with a Dildo. OH CLUE
November 11, 2012 at 10:18 pm
If you show the dildo in Act One, it has to be used by Act 3. Isn’t that a rule of dramatic presentations?
November 11, 2012 at 4:31 pm
I would never buy a Lucille Ball that hadn’t had its bottom stamped.
November 11, 2012 at 6:13 pm
“Lucy, I’m hooooo… wait a minute, where’s your bottom stamp? What have you done with my wife?!?”
November 11, 2012 at 4:36 pm
The dildo has been finished with a “food grade salad bowl varnish.”
Let the tossing begin!
November 11, 2012 at 9:21 pm
Glad I’m not the only one who noticed that and thought it was weird. I was starting to think that that was standard dildo practice, and I was the only one who didn’t know.
November 12, 2012 at 3:08 pm
Boy, how awkward would that be to serve salad at a diner party?
November 11, 2012 at 4:40 pm
November 11, 2012 at 6:36 pm
This is the most terrible prosthesis ever. Or the most awesome.
November 12, 2012 at 9:07 am
Why does it have to be either/or? Consider Dr. Strangelove’s prosthetic hand.
November 11, 2012 at 4:44 pm
So I dont understand. Am I supposed to use the dildo to eat my cereal with or?
November 11, 2012 at 5:02 pm
No you use it to toss your salad.
November 11, 2012 at 10:20 pm
May I suggest Hidden Valley dressing?
November 12, 2012 at 9:50 am
If you prefer spicy, you can add some hot sauce from the Virgin Islands.
November 11, 2012 at 4:50 pm
do people really use wooden dildos? Really? that just sounds painful.
November 11, 2012 at 4:57 pm
It would certainly be a sanitation problem.
November 11, 2012 at 5:01 pm
And not keeping it up with oil would put one at risk for splinters.
November 11, 2012 at 4:51 pm
I thought the head was Amanda Lepore.
November 12, 2012 at 6:24 am
Yes!!! So did I! Almost perfect likeness, esp the mouth.
November 11, 2012 at 4:51 pm
I would buy that “Lucille Ball” head if they put more eye makeup and an adam’s apple on it and called it a drag queen instead…. but not at that price.
November 11, 2012 at 10:22 pm
It’s totally Lypsinka:
http://www.theatermania.com/new-york-city-theater/reviews/05-2005/the-passion-of-the-crawford_5995.html
November 11, 2012 at 4:52 pm
hmmm. But where would I put it?
November 11, 2012 at 4:54 pm
You have some ‘splainin’ to do Lucy.
November 11, 2012 at 4:54 pm
Couldn’t they have at least given the emu a proper pedicure before chopping of its feet???
November 11, 2012 at 4:55 pm
Dildos really ought to have more of an ‘opposite end’ to grab onto, so they don’t get, um, lost inside. I have a friend (no, really, a friend) (well, these days, more of an ex-friend) who lacks a belly button because that’s how they had to go in to him to get a dildo out.
Maybe the base from that lamp thingie could become the base of the dildo. It would be almost as if you were vaginally or rectally inserting the Chest-Burster creature from Alien. That has to be someone’s fantasy.
Indeed, I’m pretty sure the expression on “Lucille Ball”‘s face was captured while watching someone do just that …
November 11, 2012 at 5:00 pm
*shudders*
November 11, 2012 at 5:29 pm
I never thought the most horrifying thing ever on Regretsy would be found in the comments section.
November 11, 2012 at 7:45 pm
I present to you the most horrifying thing you will read in the comments…well a link to it
http://chuckpalahniuk.net/features/shorts/guts?page=1
November 11, 2012 at 10:02 pm
Oh, no. The comments are right there. I can’t help but read them. But a link? I won’t be fooled agai…OH MY GOD! Why did I click the link?!
November 11, 2012 at 5:52 pm
Holy shit that’s gross. What drives someone to push a dildo up inside themselves so far that doctors need to get involved?
November 11, 2012 at 6:26 pm
The good news is, these days they DO make most anal insertion toys with a flared base and/or hook/hole for retrieval. (Nothing can be unrecoverable via doctor’s exam from a bajingo.) Not that I know about this sort of thing.
…Just kidding, if my mother ever comes upon my toy collection she’ll drop dead with all-white hair and a look of shame.
November 12, 2012 at 3:57 am
Having horrified everyone already, I will cleverly NOT speculate further about the details. I’m going to guess it was truly an accident.
That said, nobody can accuse said friend of navel-gazing …
November 13, 2012 at 6:43 am
I’m going to guess it’s the kind of situation where (a) once you realize there is a problem, ou try everything you can think of to solve it yourself but (b) everything your panicked brain suggests just makes things worse. I’m not sure what the limit is before you need surgical extraction, but I bet finishing that marathon is a lot less fun than starting it.
November 11, 2012 at 5:01 pm
21 responses and I’m the first to notice those are actually rifle shells, not shotgun shells, in that mancave buttrag monstrosity?
November 11, 2012 at 5:10 pm
We need a TL;DR for pictures. By the time it got to the wreath and beer cans, I’d had enough.
November 11, 2012 at 5:10 pm
I think you’ve discovered your special purpose.
November 11, 2012 at 5:12 pm
Well spotted. Also: “stone accents compliment the base” of the lamp.
“Vy, tvisted driftvood bullshit, you look luffly today,” the stone said …
November 11, 2012 at 6:02 pm
I noticed it, but there are so many things wrong in all of these it seemed to get lost in the shuffle. I was first and foremost appalled at how much that head does NOT look like Lucy, I don’t care if it was sculpted by Michelangelo himself!
November 11, 2012 at 6:22 pm
I noticed they were rifle shells also, but I thought since it’s “functionable” it really didn’t matter that much.
November 11, 2012 at 8:24 pm
Hey, I just got here. And yeah, I noticed. I wonder if they’re live rounds.
November 12, 2012 at 2:17 pm
We can only hope.
November 11, 2012 at 5:04 pm
Stick the Lucille Ball head on top of the ostrich feet, and you’ve got yourself a sale.
November 11, 2012 at 5:06 pm
“Baba Yaga And The Chocolate Factory,” by Tim Burton, starring Helena Bonham Carter ….
November 11, 2012 at 5:45 pm
With Johnny Depp as Vasilissa the Beautiful.
November 11, 2012 at 6:29 pm
“Return to Oz Part II: Bellina and Mombi Team Up.” Just in case you weren’t traumatized enough the first time, boys and girls!
November 11, 2012 at 5:33 pm
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thought that!
November 11, 2012 at 5:10 pm
obviously that’s Jocelyn Wildenstein after her first surgery, not Lucy.
November 11, 2012 at 5:10 pm
Ms.Ball kinda looks like one of the Who’s from who-ville *cringe*
November 13, 2012 at 9:01 am
first thing I thought too.
“Where Are You Christmas?” if I’m getting that, I don’t want to know.
November 11, 2012 at 5:17 pm
Also; I can’t tell which end of the dildo is suppose to be used… and in general it looks like a maggot…
November 11, 2012 at 5:25 pm
I want all of those in my house. Specifically, the guest room.
November 13, 2012 at 1:49 am
I take it you don’t like having guests?
November 11, 2012 at 5:30 pm
What? Only $3482 to make sure my family never, ever visits me again? Bitch, please, that’s a bargain.
November 11, 2012 at 5:31 pm
I’d put that wreath on the front of my pickup truck, toilet roll and all. If I had a pickup truck.
November 11, 2012 at 5:42 pm
I want to go buy a pickup truck, just to don my antler, tp wreath, RIGHT NOW. I’ll be right back.
November 11, 2012 at 5:46 pm
Lucille Ball, my ass. That’s the spitting image of Loretta Young.
November 11, 2012 at 5:52 pm
More like Amanda Lepore, if you ask me.
November 11, 2012 at 5:49 pm
“..not dishwasher safe and should not be boiled.”
What a coincidence! That’s what I have tattooed on my penis!
November 11, 2012 at 6:02 pm
That Lucille Ball head has Roger Rabbits mouth…
November 11, 2012 at 8:15 pm
“Pllllllleeze Eddie can I buy the Lucy head”
ps: April was one of the voices in RR
November 11, 2012 at 6:02 pm
“That severed head is not Lucille Ball, it’s Joan Crawford.” “No, wait, it’s Loretta Young!” “Those aren’t shotgun shells on that wreath/TP holder, they’re rifle shells!” “Ha,ha, they misspelled ‘complement’!” All while I’m still picking my jaw up off the floor. I really love you guys. (Wipes tear)
November 11, 2012 at 6:03 pm
Yeah, it’s Loretta Young.
November 11, 2012 at 6:15 pm
THE LEAVES ARE CAMO COLORS.
Effing. Brilliant.
November 11, 2012 at 6:18 pm
I don’t believe the emu leg back story for a second, but I’d love to know what really happened to the rest of it.
I’ve got money on: severed while strapped to the top of a car going through a tunnel.
November 11, 2012 at 9:26 pm
The emu was tricked into swallowing a lit firecracker.
November 11, 2012 at 10:33 pm
The Romneys had an emu, too?
November 11, 2012 at 6:39 pm
I was hoping this would be a “View it in a Room”. Still can be, hint, hint.
November 11, 2012 at 7:03 pm
this would be a scary, messed up room to be in.. might just close the door on this one.
November 11, 2012 at 7:05 pm
Shouldn’t this have a “dead things” tag?
No?
I’ll just get my coat…
November 11, 2012 at 7:17 pm
Am I alone in thinking that Emu’s had three toes?????
November 12, 2012 at 6:05 pm
The live ones still do.
November 11, 2012 at 8:17 pm
Scrolling down the page was just one Wilhelm scream after another!
November 11, 2012 at 9:28 pm
Aren’t you supposed to put things on an end table? Those feet really don’t leave enough room. Perhaps they should have done a dining room table instead, lots of space on those things, and it would be quite a conversation piece.
November 11, 2012 at 11:02 pm
Please enjoy my art collection. Clockwise around the room;
“Babalu”,
“Pile o’ Poo”,
“Stumped Emu”,
“Trailer Home Loo”,
“Splintery Screw”
AND FINALLY – YOOOOOUUUUU!
*stab stab*
November 12, 2012 at 6:42 am
Just took another glance at that dildo. If you look at it (opposite of it’s intended use, I see a small thumb nail and (further up) the joint of the thumb…the flaring look of the intended use end is the bloody stump where they ripped it off someone’s hand. Wait, did I take my meds yet today?…
November 12, 2012 at 8:27 am
That’s not Lucy. That’s Lypsinka. http://www.lypsinka.com/
November 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm
I thought it was common knowledge that you aren’t supposed to boil your dildo. A slow simmer works best.
November 12, 2012 at 4:50 pm
I don’t get it… what’s wrong with the wooden dildo? It looks polished/protected enough, I doubt it’s going to absorb moisture or give you splinters.
November 13, 2012 at 10:09 am
Yup, vote me down instead of giving me an answer..
November 13, 2012 at 1:51 am
What is it with people putting salad bowl varnish on dildos? Why is varnish something I would want anywhere near my vag?