You can tell this is a man’s neckroll, because they photographed it next to some tools. If it was a woman’s, it would have a vagina and it couldn’t drive.
Our fingernails are so twee and our attention spans so short that we can never seem to keep the SHIFT key held down for the entire run of explanation point thingies.
Man goes to all the trouble of inventing computers with easy-to-press keys so you ladies can’t break your fingernails as much as on a manual typewriter and what do you do? Nail extensions!
What the hell is wrong with me, trusting royalty to know about screwdrivers? I’ve only ever called non-Phillips screwdrivers “straight” or “regular”, though.
I believer that’s an antiquated term, seeing as “flat head” screwdrivers aren’t remotely “regular” anymore- they’re actually the least-used type at this point.
+6
Zippy
November 7, 2012 at 12:17 pm
In this modern age of drill guns etc. I intensely hate slotted screws. Why are they still making new ones??? *glares at electrical outlet and switch plates*
I’m ashamed to admit a few things:
1:I couldn’t figure out how to reply directly to the “Robertson screw” comment.
2: I had to google “Robertson Screw” (thank god safe-search settings are on).
3: I never knew the square headed screws were Robertson Screws, and my entire brand new house is put together with them.
I do own a variety of Robertson screwdrivers, as well as torx drivers and clutch drivers though, so perhaps I shouldn’t be too ashamed?
We are both correct. From Wikipedia:
>>The tool used to drive a slotted screw head is called a “flat-blade”, “slot-head”, “straight”, “flat”, “flat-tip”,[3] or “flat-head”[4] screwdriver. This last usage can sometimes be confusing, because the term “flat-head” is also used to describe a screw with a flat top, designed to be installed in a countersunk hole. Such a flat-headed screw may have a slotted, cross, square recessed, or combination head, causing further confusion about the terminology.
Among slotted screw drivers, there are a couple of major variations at the blade or bit end involving the profile of the blade as viewed face-on (from the side of the tool). The more common type is sometimes referred to as keystone, where the blade profile is slightly flared before tapering off at the end.<<
I’m annoyed that I’m automatically excluded from all the places you get excluded from even though I’ve never been to those places ever and when I was there I didn’t do anything and those things I did in those places only seemed weird from the vantage point of the security cameras.
I was at a friend’s new house to check it out and he, his wife and I are in the kitchen and I say to him, “do you have a dishwasher?” and he points to his wife and says, “yeah, she’s right there”. His wife open-hand smacked him so hard. It was an epic smack.
I like how they sell it with the Home Lobotomy Kit because I hate waking up in the middle of the night wanting to perform one but don’t want to get of the warm bed.
I often wake with the urge for trepanning, and am just never prepared. So I always end up just going back to sleep with no hole in my forehead, bummed out.
I assumed that the wife, at the end of her rope, must have bought this man pillow for her apparently snoring husband. When the snoring continued she reached for the hammer and screwdriver and performed her own sinus clearing surgery.
She may have worn a Snuggy to keep her arms warm while she worked.
I thought they were selling a complete took kit that rolled up into a pillow because of these 3 handy-person’s rules:
1- Always use the right tool for the job.
2- A hammer is always the right tool for the job.
3- Any tool can be used as a hammer.
I was recording in Brooklyn one time and I went to a White Castle for some shitty food. White Castle’s slogan is/was “It’s What You Crave”, and they were promoting their newly implemented “24-hour-never-closing” thing. So I get this big plastic cup for my soda that has a picture of a nighttime scene with a moon and a creepy face and it says “CRAVE IN THE DARK”. Totally creeped me out- the face looked like a sweaty child molester or something.
The listing also has two photos of this thing next to a polyresin bear and cub. How exactly is that related to manliness? Do real men hunt pocket-sized bears with a hammer and a screwdriver?
Years ago I may or may not have had a couple of mushroom-fueled “hunting trips” with found weaponry, and may or may not have “killed” a variety of sticks and a tire that was making fun of me.
The listing says basically that “before the pillow leaves my ‘factory’, I fill it with stuffing”. Doesn’t that define a “pillow”? If you don’t fill it, it’s not a pillow. Why is it stated like you’re getting some sort of bonus?
wish that every gender-neutral thing marketed with a specific gender designation could be accompanied by your commentary. Not just on the internet. In physical stores too.
Well I have a hammer
and I have a smell
and I have a shop to sell
a crapload of junk
It’s the hammer of Man pillows
It’s the smell of Krapper Kozies
It’s the shop to sell the delusional “art”
A-a-a-allll over this si-i-i-ite
(mmmm mmm mmm mmm)
My tiny woman brain that can not drive and likes pink things and nail polish is very confused by the poundy thingie and the pointy like tool. Good thing this is for men not me.
November 7, 2012 at 10:02 am
I see they’re capitalizing on Etsy’s success by saying it’s made in a factory. Smart marketing move.
November 7, 2012 at 10:30 am
Maybe “factory” is some sort of slang term for “Junior High Home-Ec Class”?
November 7, 2012 at 11:03 am
Factory is grandma locked in the back room forced to crank out ugly ass pillows. “Only a dozen more Meemaw and you can have your heart medicin.”
November 7, 2012 at 11:08 am
“You can use the turlet after you crank out a coupla more, ol’ lady!”
November 7, 2012 at 12:03 pm
“You straighten up your stitching first and THEN I’ll turn the heat on and give you breakfast!”
November 7, 2012 at 10:02 am
Looks more like a butthole.
November 7, 2012 at 10:02 am
What’s with all the “gender-specific” stuff on etsy that’s not remotely gender specific?
November 7, 2012 at 10:10 am
Now come on. If we don’t start giving everything a clear gender now then what will happen next? Girls using boy pens?! PANDEMONIUM I SAY!!
November 7, 2012 at 10:15 am
You make an excellent point. I used a “girl-fork” the other day, and it really screwed up my day. Girls just eat differently than boys.
November 7, 2012 at 10:24 am
I used the Girl Internet by mistake yesterday and now I have cancel a bunch of shoe purchases! And delete some duckface self-portraits off Facebook!
November 7, 2012 at 10:36 am
I don’t think you were too badly affected. Otherwise you would be ending sentences with multiple exclamation marks and 1s.
November 7, 2012 at 10:55 am
<3 <3 <3!!!!!11! I think it's back!
November 7, 2012 at 11:15 am
Are you writing with a Bic for Her pen? That could be exacerbating the problem! LOL!!!!11!!
November 7, 2012 at 11:18 am
What are the “1″s all about? I’m unfamiliar with that being a girl internet thing.
November 7, 2012 at 11:31 am
Our fingernails are so twee and our attention spans so short that we can never seem to keep the SHIFT key held down for the entire run of explanation point thingies.
November 7, 2012 at 12:26 pm
Man goes to all the trouble of inventing computers with easy-to-press keys so you ladies can’t break your fingernails as much as on a manual typewriter and what do you do? Nail extensions!
November 8, 2012 at 2:28 am
I think I may have used the male internet by accident the other day. Some girl I talked to claims I got her pregnant.
November 8, 2012 at 9:25 am
“Poking” on the Boy Internet means something different.
November 7, 2012 at 11:26 am
Ok, I’m feelin’ it now. What a fantastic cozy for a man-drink.
November 7, 2012 at 10:03 am
Why do I have the feeling that “his neck pillow” is code for “fleshlight”.
November 7, 2012 at 10:41 am
Yeah, I think there’s more demand for vaginas in “his” neck pillows than in “hers”.
November 7, 2012 at 4:55 pm
Yeah, I was just thinking, “have a vagina? It IS a vagina.”
January 7, 2013 at 10:54 pm
I think I’d be more disturbed if this was a fleshlight. What sort of man uses a freaking chisel on a fake vagina to get off? That can’t be right.
November 7, 2012 at 10:03 am
Oh, Vicki. Just fill it with a fleshlight and stop being coy.
November 7, 2012 at 10:04 am
To be fair, I do always sleep with a dead-blow hammer and screwdriver.
November 7, 2012 at 10:10 am
You never know when the zombie apocalypse will strike!
November 7, 2012 at 10:13 am
I just like to be ready to be handy at any time.
November 8, 2012 at 5:45 am
Ah! You must subscribe to the Red Green philosophy: “If the women don’t find you handsome, they should at least find you handy”.
November 8, 2012 at 1:15 pm
I <3 Red Green. If it ain't broke, you're not trying.
November 7, 2012 at 10:10 am
Flat head or phillips? Asking for a friend.
November 7, 2012 at 10:12 am
Flat head. I’m old school.
November 7, 2012 at 10:55 am
Well, technically, that would be “slotted”. Flat headed screws come in all configurations. As do round heads and oval heads. TMI?
November 7, 2012 at 10:58 am
Queen Vicky just reigned on your asses, you screw-ups!
November 7, 2012 at 11:04 am
Technically, you’re wrong. The SCREWS are “slotted”. The SCREWDRIVER is a “flat head”.
November 7, 2012 at 11:05 am
You are, however, correct about flat headed screws. But there’s no such thing (at least in the working world) as a “slotted screwdriver”.
November 7, 2012 at 11:50 am
What the hell is wrong with me, trusting royalty to know about screwdrivers? I’ve only ever called non-Phillips screwdrivers “straight” or “regular”, though.
November 7, 2012 at 11:53 am
Here in Ye Olde Woodworking World, they’re always “flat heads”.
November 7, 2012 at 11:54 am
I have heard “regular”, but not really from woodworkers.
November 7, 2012 at 11:56 am
I believer that’s an antiquated term, seeing as “flat head” screwdrivers aren’t remotely “regular” anymore- they’re actually the least-used type at this point.
November 7, 2012 at 12:17 pm
In this modern age of drill guns etc. I intensely hate slotted screws. Why are they still making new ones??? *glares at electrical outlet and switch plates*
November 7, 2012 at 12:21 pm
I use them for period-correctness in antique restoration jobs often, but otherwise, I curse them too.
November 7, 2012 at 12:28 pm
I have a soft spot for the Robertson screw. Not sure if anyone actually uses those either.
November 7, 2012 at 1:05 pm
Oh, we use them, lettucego. We use them a lot.
November 7, 2012 at 1:11 pm
Cool!
November 8, 2012 at 5:54 am
I’m ashamed to admit a few things:
1:I couldn’t figure out how to reply directly to the “Robertson screw” comment.
2: I had to google “Robertson Screw” (thank god safe-search settings are on).
3: I never knew the square headed screws were Robertson Screws, and my entire brand new house is put together with them.
I do own a variety of Robertson screwdrivers, as well as torx drivers and clutch drivers though, so perhaps I shouldn’t be too ashamed?
November 9, 2012 at 10:18 pm
We are both correct. From Wikipedia:
>>The tool used to drive a slotted screw head is called a “flat-blade”, “slot-head”, “straight”, “flat”, “flat-tip”,[3] or “flat-head”[4] screwdriver. This last usage can sometimes be confusing, because the term “flat-head” is also used to describe a screw with a flat top, designed to be installed in a countersunk hole. Such a flat-headed screw may have a slotted, cross, square recessed, or combination head, causing further confusion about the terminology.
Among slotted screw drivers, there are a couple of major variations at the blade or bit end involving the profile of the blade as viewed face-on (from the side of the tool). The more common type is sometimes referred to as keystone, where the blade profile is slightly flared before tapering off at the end.<<
November 7, 2012 at 10:20 am
I also have a “Sounds of the Woodshop” cd that I listen to right before bed. Soothing.
November 7, 2012 at 10:35 am
I often get hammered right before bed. What else do we have in common?
November 7, 2012 at 10:38 am
We also have all those felony arrests in common. Thirty-two between us, I believe.
November 7, 2012 at 10:46 am
I’m annoyed that I’m automatically excluded from all the places you get excluded from even though I’ve never been to those places ever and when I was there I didn’t do anything and those things I did in those places only seemed weird from the vantage point of the security cameras.
November 7, 2012 at 11:01 am
Well said, Zip. Very succinct.
November 7, 2012 at 12:30 pm
Do the police have any of this “internet” yet? I may have said too much up there.
November 7, 2012 at 2:09 pm
And occassionally nailed?
November 7, 2012 at 2:17 pm
His plea agreement forbids that.
November 7, 2012 at 3:33 pm
Boom!
November 8, 2012 at 12:56 am
Love the comedic stylings of Zippy and Matt.
November 7, 2012 at 10:40 pm
Reminds me of that country song
“I’m home gettin hammered, while she’s out gettin nailed…”
November 7, 2012 at 10:07 am
It would be even firmer (and manlier) if it were stuffed with full beer cans.
November 7, 2012 at 10:52 am
We can’t waste all our time reaching out to the nightstand for beer! That’s how cavemen lived!
November 7, 2012 at 1:47 pm
Aren’t women supposed to be getting you your beer?
November 7, 2012 at 1:55 pm
I was at a friend’s new house to check it out and he, his wife and I are in the kitchen and I say to him, “do you have a dishwasher?” and he points to his wife and says, “yeah, she’s right there”. His wife open-hand smacked him so hard. It was an epic smack.
November 7, 2012 at 2:04 pm
She should have asked herself, WWMD? What would Madge Do?
November 7, 2012 at 10:10 am
Can I order one stuffed firm with nipples? Just curious…
November 7, 2012 at 10:12 am
I like how they sell it with the Home Lobotomy Kit because I hate waking up in the middle of the night wanting to perform one but don’t want to get of the warm bed.
November 7, 2012 at 10:19 am
I often wake with the urge for trepanning, and am just never prepared. So I always end up just going back to sleep with no hole in my forehead, bummed out.
November 7, 2012 at 11:00 am
Nobody likes trying to sleep with a head all stuffed up with brain juice.
November 7, 2012 at 11:02 am
If I could just let all the bad dreams out, I wouldn’t need the dreamcatcher, you know? Seems like a no-brainer to me.
November 7, 2012 at 2:00 pm
I assumed that the wife, at the end of her rope, must have bought this man pillow for her apparently snoring husband. When the snoring continued she reached for the hammer and screwdriver and performed her own sinus clearing surgery.
She may have worn a Snuggy to keep her arms warm while she worked.
November 7, 2012 at 10:21 am
Wow, lying on that mallet and screwdriver looks really damn uncomfortable.
November 7, 2012 at 10:28 am
I thought they were selling a complete took kit that rolled up into a pillow because of these 3 handy-person’s rules:
1- Always use the right tool for the job.
2- A hammer is always the right tool for the job.
3- Any tool can be used as a hammer.
November 7, 2012 at 10:30 am
I think that was part of my GRE.
November 7, 2012 at 10:33 am
I thought it was a Teamsters Union “Welcome Kit”: a couple of tools, and a pillow for all the breaks you get.
November 7, 2012 at 10:29 am
Why is his in quotes? It’s not really a boy, is it? Is that why there is the screwdriver and hammer, for when the truth comes out in the dark?
November 7, 2012 at 11:01 am
It mostly comes out in the dark. Mostly.
November 7, 2012 at 11:08 am
Alien!
November 7, 2012 at 11:51 am
s
November 7, 2012 at 4:59 pm
You are correct sir ir was the second one.
November 7, 2012 at 11:16 am
I was recording in Brooklyn one time and I went to a White Castle for some shitty food. White Castle’s slogan is/was “It’s What You Crave”, and they were promoting their newly implemented “24-hour-never-closing” thing. So I get this big plastic cup for my soda that has a picture of a nighttime scene with a moon and a creepy face and it says “CRAVE IN THE DARK”. Totally creeped me out- the face looked like a sweaty child molester or something.
November 7, 2012 at 11:53 am
I can’t believe they aren’t aware that their food can give you nightmares all by itself.
November 7, 2012 at 12:02 pm
They use the loosest definition legally possible of the word “food”.
November 7, 2012 at 12:35 pm
“Can be put in upper hole, will pass through to lower hole, without causing immediate death.”
November 7, 2012 at 12:47 pm
It should’ve said “Crave in the ICU”.
November 7, 2012 at 12:47 pm
Heh heh. “Lower hole”.
November 7, 2012 at 1:06 pm
Or “LoHo” if you’re a hipster.
November 7, 2012 at 1:03 pm
lettucego- you should use that term in your pickup lines with men. “You play your cards right, I’ll let you see my lower hole.”
November 7, 2012 at 1:08 pm
Think that would work?
November 7, 2012 at 1:12 pm
You had me at “lower hole”.
November 7, 2012 at 1:21 pm
What do I get if I throw in the upper hole?
November 7, 2012 at 1:24 pm
You get very popular with the menfolk.
November 7, 2012 at 1:34 pm
“UpHo, LoHo, it’s off to work we go…”
November 7, 2012 at 10:32 am
“What makes ‘his’ pillow adjustable?”
The sledge and the screwdriver, apparently.
November 7, 2012 at 11:11 am
Basically, as with an other pillow, you can split the seam, remove some of the stuffing, and VIOLA! You just did all the fucking work.
November 7, 2012 at 11:34 am
Viola? Pretty sure you meant wah lah. You’re welcome.
November 7, 2012 at 10:51 am
The listing also has two photos of this thing next to a polyresin bear and cub. How exactly is that related to manliness? Do real men hunt pocket-sized bears with a hammer and a screwdriver?
November 7, 2012 at 11:03 am
Duh, google “bear culture”. Manly!
November 7, 2012 at 11:31 am
Years ago I may or may not have had a couple of mushroom-fueled “hunting trips” with found weaponry, and may or may not have “killed” a variety of sticks and a tire that was making fun of me.
November 7, 2012 at 12:00 pm
This must be why I’m excluded from all the Wildlife Refuges in New England.
November 7, 2012 at 12:29 pm
No fair! You should try to get yourself redefined as “wildlife”.
November 7, 2012 at 12:38 pm
But I hate having to ride in that crate when I travel. And the tranquilizer darts really hurt.
November 7, 2012 at 12:46 pm
You can’t be hunted if you’re an endangered species, though.
November 7, 2012 at 1:13 pm
You still doing that BDSM thing, Zip?
November 7, 2012 at 1:27 pm
I’ve decided to sub it out.
November 7, 2012 at 1:41 pm
You were all tied up with other things?
November 7, 2012 at 2:59 pm
It wasn’t one of my Top priorities.
November 7, 2012 at 3:28 pm
I think you’ve bottomed out with these jokes.
November 8, 2012 at 6:27 am
Well, that’s a low blow.
November 7, 2012 at 12:07 pm
The listing says basically that “before the pillow leaves my ‘factory’, I fill it with stuffing”. Doesn’t that define a “pillow”? If you don’t fill it, it’s not a pillow. Why is it stated like you’re getting some sort of bonus?
November 7, 2012 at 12:46 pm
“Before our automobiles leave the factory we equip them with a motor AND wheels! That is our pledge to you.”
-every car maker (except Yugo until after 1987)
November 7, 2012 at 2:13 pm
“Quality is job…4, or is it 7? We don’t know, but we’re pretty sure it’s on the list.”
November 7, 2012 at 4:05 pm
That reminds me of advert I saw for a Brooks & Bently floor lamp.
It had a great big starburst shape with “It lights up!” next to it.
Like i’m supposed to be impressed by a lamp that can light up, when that is it’s sole purpose.
November 7, 2012 at 1:06 pm
I really
really
wish that every gender-neutral thing marketed with a specific gender designation could be accompanied by your commentary. Not just on the internet. In physical stores too.
November 7, 2012 at 1:36 pm
The Bics For Her can’t drive for shit! Unsure about vagina or lack thereof, though.
November 7, 2012 at 2:18 pm
If a woman uses it, will she wake up with a penis?
November 7, 2012 at 2:25 pm
Don’t know, but I’m pretty sure she’ll wake up with a crick in her neck.
November 7, 2012 at 2:40 pm
and velour face.
November 7, 2012 at 3:17 pm
If I Had a Hammer
And a little pillow
I’d stuff that sucker
Just as hard as I can
Got a picture of the pillow!
With a screwdriver by Stanley!
I’m singin’ ’bout the love between the FatJellusLoosers
All over this land
C’mon second verse, this time just the jokers who would stuff catnip into the pillow!
November 7, 2012 at 3:43 pm
If I had Smell,
It’d be big in the morning
But not as big as in the evening
I’d change its size at will.
It’d smell like Steampunk
It’d smell like Level 4 Cat
It’d smell like love between the FatJellusLosers
All over Finlaaaaaaand
November 7, 2012 at 8:12 pm
Well I have a hammer
and I have a smell
and I have a shop to sell
a crapload of junk
It’s the hammer of Man pillows
It’s the smell of Krapper Kozies
It’s the shop to sell the delusional “art”
A-a-a-allll over this si-i-i-ite
(mmmm mmm mmm mmm)
November 7, 2012 at 6:21 pm
My tiny woman brain that can not drive and likes pink things and nail polish is very confused by the poundy thingie and the pointy like tool. Good thing this is for men not me.
November 7, 2012 at 8:14 pm
That’s ok Elysapeth. We are pretty, we don’t have to think.
November 7, 2012 at 11:05 pm
This can’t be “for him”. It comes with an elaborate manual in the description. Everyone knows that MEN® don’t RTFM, ever!
November 8, 2012 at 12:22 pm
“If it was a woman’s, it would have a vagina and it couldn’t drive.” Crochet Guavara has GOT to be Daniel Tosh. C’mon, fess up!
November 8, 2012 at 12:26 pm
By the way, doesn’t this remind anyone of “Misery”?