But when it’s your own poo it just feels different. You know? Like fresher and cleaner. I like this idea, but then, I usually carry around a board smeared with my own faeces, so maybe that makes me biased. So, sue me.
That small hole almost guarantees there will be poop left around it. Then who picks it out of the detailed woodcarving? Like the listing says “It’s a awful process to say the least.”
Wood is naturally antibacterial. It just holds less weight and is more difficult to keep LOOKING clean than plastic, which is why most public bathrooms use plastic seats nowadays.
I don’t know if you’re being sarcastic. If so, o.k. If not, wood is naturally porous so collects bacteria. The only wood I know of which is ‘naturally antibacterial’ is Neem wood. But otherwise, wood is a bacteria trap — that’s why you never see wood cutting boards in professional kitchens.
On the other hand, wood holds more weight than allcommon plastics which is why most toilet seats are plastic-covered wood.
They are not used in professional kitchens because they can not be put in dishwashers and require more care. Professional dishwashers basically boil the bacteria away, handwashing not so much.
I don’t believe the “carver” did all that intricate detail… it looks more like he stole a dining room chair from his grandmother’s house and took his rotary tool to it. Hence the fact that it doesn’t remotely fit the size of a toilet seat or an ass.
I had the same dining room chairs growing up… I think my parents would be pretty freaked out that I had bought something that looked like their chairs to shit through
…I would say it below and to the right of him to make my point. But only while posting. We would talk manfully face-to-face in real life, probably about “Weekend at Bernie’s II” or who has more drills.
I never thought I’d pray for someone to actually be a troll before. Because if this is real it drags down the average human intelligence by at least 20%.
I have those chairs in my house right now. When MY grandmother gives me hand-me-down furniture, I use it as furniture. When HIS grandmother does it… well, you can see how he feels about his grandmother.
I can also confirm this, one of my childhood friend’s mother had those EXACT chairs. Good thing I am not in touch with her, I wouldn’t be able to go to her house without thinking of shit. The weird googly faces are bad enough.
Is it just me, or is that hole just a weeeee bit on the small side? I like to think that I’m just an little overweight, but I’m not sure my poop would fit through that teeny hole…
Just remember: anything that slips between the real seat and the fake seat risks horrible pinching and crushing injuries if the fake seat slides forward at all. Aim before you sit.
Porous, hard to sterilize material – check
Extra nooks and crannies for maximal infestation – check
Large size to improve exposure to peripheral germ sources – check
Non ergonomic layout to guarantee incorrect placement – checkity check check
I think our weaponized e-coli delivery system is ready.
If the germ situation ever becomes that bad I’ll just wear a toilet seat around my neck for personal use. Maybe I’d get a snood to wear over it so it’d be less obvious.
It’s like in a horror movie, where the carved demonic symbol must be filled with sacrificial blood to appease the Beast/ open the seal that holds the Devil captive/ bring about the Apocalypse.
Feather tickles kitty, kitty’s tail knocks over dominoes, dominoes knock over candle which burns through string attached to wooden leg with shoe, and shoe kicks bowling ball, it drops on a lever attached to a hand that pulls out the tampon.
It’s that easy.
Putting a new one in is a whole different process.
He was just waiting for a use for his “feather tickles…hand pulls on a string” device. It used to be for having a cat turn on a light before he got The Clapper.
“Thanks for coming in, Matt. Sooo…why do you want to work for Fidelity Investmen…wait-what is that you’re holding?”
“Oh, this? This is my Kamper Krapper. I don’t like using public toilet seats, so I bought this hand carved hole to use on toilets.”
“The position has been filled unexpectedly within the last two minutes. I know, I thought it was odd, too. Could you use the service entrance on your way out?”
I think if it came down to it, you could learn to place toilet paper on the seat like the rest of us. Unless Sandy is knocking on the stall door, it is not that difficult.
lovinglymadewithspite
November 6, 2012 at 11:19 am
He mentions that this would be a better alternative to the paper covers. I guess b/c those are really hard to operate.
Although, this one does have an actual opening
Kamper Krapper 1 – paper cover 0
WHAT? PLURAL?? This implies that the title “Lawrence Of A Labia” has an inherent grammatical flaw and calls into question the integrity of the porn industry itself!
Whatever happened to just carrying a magazine with you to proclaim to all those present that “I wouldn’t go in there for about 15 minutes if I were you.”
So… those intracate canals are pee-conducts, right? Because otherwise I can’t see how I’m supposed to do it. Do I shift the seat to the appropiate excreting hole? Do I sit on the ledge and just pee to the outside because the public toilet is already filthy anyway? Do I try peeing standing up and use the board as a carnival game while I put Mr. Hanky on hold?
That tiny-hole thing looks like it will stay sanitary just as long as you can avoid pooping and peeing at the same time. Which is good news for nobody who lives on Earth.
It pains me to say something positive about this, but if it was re-re-repurposed into the front of an owl nest box and put up on my barn it would be pretty neat. The owls would krap somewhere else, of course.
WELL… *takes a deep breath*
Your feet slip out from under you, your left arm flies wildly out to the side to brace yourself, but smacks the sink that is frustratingly so close to the toilet, while the right arm helplessly punches the shower curtain. Then your fanny has that freshly whipped feeling from the wood breaking, maybe a splinter…. and that, my friend, is what happens when the KK fails.
I can just see it now, Grandma comes to stay and sets up a lovely cheese board using the pretty board you keep in the bathroom. A wheel of cheese covering the hole, it’s the moment you stuff your mouth with cheese that you realise.
November 6, 2012 at 10:02 am
Yeah, and now you’re carrying around a nasty, germy, possibly shitty seat. That really solves the problem!
November 6, 2012 at 10:04 am
I was wondering how elaborately carved wood full of hard to clean nooks and crannies could possibly be considered “sanitary”.
November 6, 2012 at 10:10 am
Yeah, but then you’ll have a cool pattern on your ass to show to your friends!
November 6, 2012 at 10:14 am
It’s like an “I voted” sticker. But for your ass. And it means “I shitted.”
November 6, 2012 at 10:43 am
It would be like a bathroom Henna tattoo.
November 6, 2012 at 11:45 am
This is an idea that needs to be dumped. “Hey your ass looks groovy – have you been using the Kamper Kraper again?”
November 6, 2012 at 3:21 pm
**Awesomness!
November 6, 2012 at 5:11 pm
Asssomness!
November 6, 2012 at 1:44 pm
But when it’s your own poo it just feels different. You know? Like fresher and cleaner. I like this idea, but then, I usually carry around a board smeared with my own faeces, so maybe that makes me biased. So, sue me.
November 6, 2012 at 10:38 am
With a really small hole – is it just me, or would that hole make you seize up with anxiety?
November 6, 2012 at 10:57 am
You should convo them for bigger blow hole. I know after a night of bad clams, my violently explosive diarrhea will burn brown flames into this thing.
November 6, 2012 at 11:01 am
That small hole almost guarantees there will be poop left around it. Then who picks it out of the detailed woodcarving? Like the listing says “It’s a awful process to say the least.”
November 6, 2012 at 12:42 pm
The people who use public restrooms have shitty aim on normal sized toilet openings – HOW is this 1/10th size hole going to help with ANYTHING???
November 6, 2012 at 4:32 pm
I had the same thought. Sometimes, you just know you’re gonna need as much room as you can get.
November 7, 2012 at 3:33 pm
The small hole is why it would re-purpose well as a Glory Hole Doily.
November 6, 2012 at 11:46 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 6, 2012 at 2:13 pm
I don’t know if you’re being sarcastic. If so, o.k. If not, wood is naturally porous so collects bacteria. The only wood I know of which is ‘naturally antibacterial’ is Neem wood. But otherwise, wood is a bacteria trap — that’s why you never see wood cutting boards in professional kitchens.
On the other hand, wood holds more weight than allcommon plastics which is why most toilet seats are plastic-covered wood.
November 7, 2012 at 6:36 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 7, 2012 at 6:41 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 7, 2012 at 3:34 pm
My wood is covered with bacteria. Mostly yeast.
.
Medical FACT.
November 6, 2012 at 10:02 am
And after it’s rested on a thousand public toilet seats, you’re carrying it in your purse next to your lipstick?
November 6, 2012 at 12:13 pm
Mybe it would work better if you could wear it around you neck. That way you wouldn’t have to carry it and you could use at an accessory.
November 6, 2012 at 12:18 pm
like this
November 6, 2012 at 2:06 pm
That finally answers “what flavor”…
November 6, 2012 at 2:49 pm
would this be the Rapper Krapper?
November 8, 2012 at 3:10 pm
Aren’t they all?
November 6, 2012 at 12:43 pm
Of course not…coming soon to an etsy store near you: The Kamper Krapper KozyTM!
November 6, 2012 at 10:03 am
Too bad the carver is using his powers for evil instead of good.
November 6, 2012 at 10:09 am
Right? The carving is actually good. I can think of a thousand different things to carve like that that wouldn’t be creepy and gross.
November 6, 2012 at 10:11 am
Oh God! What is that you’re playing cribbage on???
November 6, 2012 at 10:12 am
I don’t believe the “carver” did all that intricate detail… it looks more like he stole a dining room chair from his grandmother’s house and took his rotary tool to it. Hence the fact that it doesn’t remotely fit the size of a toilet seat or an ass.
November 6, 2012 at 10:14 am
I think there were similar chairs in my parents house 20 years ago…I always thought they were shitty.
November 6, 2012 at 10:15 am
I had the same dining room chairs growing up… I think my parents would be pretty freaked out that I had bought something that looked like their chairs to shit through
November 6, 2012 at 10:17 am
Also freaky because I always thought the carving looked like a face and you would be shitting into it’s mouth
November 6, 2012 at 10:27 am
Yes…we just went into a whole new realm of weird and unsanitary.
November 6, 2012 at 10:46 am
He can make hardwood floors out of old toilets.
November 6, 2012 at 11:10 am
My long-time rule has been no WC in the WC. (no wood carvings in the water closet or vice-versa.)
November 6, 2012 at 11:37 am
Do your minions mind cleaning the seats?
November 6, 2012 at 11:42 am
Gold is non-reactive so it’s hard to stain and cleans up easily. *always thinking the little guy*
November 6, 2012 at 11:55 am
My parents STILL have these chairs.
November 6, 2012 at 10:25 am
Right? It’s a chair back, with a hole in it, repurposed as a toilet seat! Fucking awesome.
November 6, 2012 at 10:29 am
Upcycling WIN!
November 6, 2012 at 10:43 am
Really? Then that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. And I’ve been reading Regretsy for almost 3 years.
November 6, 2012 at 10:48 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 6, 2012 at 11:19 am
She wasn’t responding to you. If she was, it would’ve been below and to the right of your post.
November 6, 2012 at 11:22 am
oh thank you. i threw in the towel for a moment.
November 6, 2012 at 11:48 am
Dont throw in the towel until after you wipe…
November 6, 2012 at 11:21 am
I keep trying to use sarcasm on the interwebs, it never works though.
November 6, 2012 at 11:23 am
You’re not heeding my words from yesterday- post, and move on. Don’t worry about it. People here will respond to your posts a lot better.
November 6, 2012 at 11:39 am
I was on a voting high. I felt combative.
November 6, 2012 at 11:23 am
I am also responding to you LLMWS, not Matt. If I had something to say to Matt…
November 6, 2012 at 11:52 am
Zippy! You’re turning on me?? What about the good times? Well, that one good time? Alright, no good times, but what about that mediocre time?
November 6, 2012 at 12:40 pm
…I would say it below and to the right of him to make my point. But only while posting. We would talk manfully face-to-face in real life, probably about “Weekend at Bernie’s II” or who has more drills.
November 6, 2012 at 12:44 pm
Don’t get me started on “Weekend at Bernie’s, Part Two”, or I’ll be jabberin’ away the night…
November 6, 2012 at 1:50 pm
Did I mention my plethora of drills?
November 6, 2012 at 2:08 pm
D’oh! You blew it with the word ‘plethora’, dude!
November 6, 2012 at 10:49 am
I never thought I’d pray for someone to actually be a troll before. Because if this is real it drags down the average human intelligence by at least 20%.
November 6, 2012 at 11:10 am
what is it that i suffer from according to click and clack? shisms? Sarcas?
November 6, 2012 at 11:25 am
Sarchasm
November 6, 2012 at 11:44 am
Sarchasm – the void between the user of sarcasm and those who are meant to appreciate it.
November 6, 2012 at 11:37 am
I have those chairs in my house right now. When MY grandmother gives me hand-me-down furniture, I use it as furniture. When HIS grandmother does it… well, you can see how he feels about his grandmother.
January 7, 2013 at 10:31 pm
I can also confirm this, one of my childhood friend’s mother had those EXACT chairs. Good thing I am not in touch with her, I wouldn’t be able to go to her house without thinking of shit. The weird googly faces are bad enough.
November 6, 2012 at 10:03 am
Is it just me, or is that hole just a weeeee bit on the small side? I like to think that I’m just an little overweight, but I’m not sure my poop would fit through that teeny hole…
November 6, 2012 at 10:04 am
I was wondering if you have to shift it depending on if you have to shit or piss. No way can you sit on it and do both without leakage…
November 6, 2012 at 10:35 am
What if you have to puke? Do you put your face on the little hole like you do on a massage table?
There is no margin for error if your aim is off.
November 6, 2012 at 11:27 am
I can’t think of a better time to try and solve Physics problems than when already faced with Biology problems.
November 6, 2012 at 11:53 am
Learning is fun, especially in a crisis.
November 6, 2012 at 12:41 pm
Necessity is the motherfucker of invention, sometimes.
November 6, 2012 at 9:53 pm
I’ve admired you forever, Zippy. This comment has tipped me over into adoration
November 16, 2012 at 10:53 pm
I don’t know, but it would solve the backsplash problem.
November 6, 2012 at 10:04 am
I can’t help but think about the mechanics of a man using that seat…a hole for the poop and a resting place for his junk.
November 6, 2012 at 10:51 am
Finally! A way to pee over the edge of the seat and onto my pants and shoes.
November 6, 2012 at 11:42 am
Just remember: anything that slips between the real seat and the fake seat risks horrible pinching and crushing injuries if the fake seat slides forward at all. Aim before you sit.
November 7, 2012 at 1:19 pm
might want to hold the boys before you put the cover on. as we menfolk get older, the balls tend to hang lower..
November 6, 2012 at 10:06 am
“Kamper Krapper”? Seriously? That gives me Kramps.
November 6, 2012 at 11:23 am
Hopefully it does not also come with Krabs.
November 6, 2012 at 10:09 am
Porous, hard to sterilize material – check
Extra nooks and crannies for maximal infestation – check
Large size to improve exposure to peripheral germ sources – check
Non ergonomic layout to guarantee incorrect placement – checkity check check
I think our weaponized e-coli delivery system is ready.
November 6, 2012 at 10:12 am
Just launch into enemy territory and run.
November 6, 2012 at 11:11 am
“Throne strikes.”
November 6, 2012 at 1:18 pm
Wouldn’t that be *enema* territory…
November 6, 2012 at 1:53 pm
Somebody get ; Powell on the phone! (Not to be confused with Gen. Powell from the Bush admin.)
November 6, 2012 at 10:11 am
I would wear mine as a crown rather than carry it like that. Is there room for my tin foil?
November 6, 2012 at 10:16 am
If the germ situation ever becomes that bad I’ll just wear a toilet seat around my neck for personal use. Maybe I’d get a snood to wear over it so it’d be less obvious.
November 6, 2012 at 10:37 am
I can crochet you an Infinity/Möbius scarf to disguise it.
November 6, 2012 at 11:14 am
Can you crochet disposable scarves out of “Wet Ones”?
November 6, 2012 at 10:12 am
It’s like in a horror movie, where the carved demonic symbol must be filled with sacrificial blood to appease the Beast/ open the seal that holds the Devil captive/ bring about the Apocalypse.
But this one doesn’t take blood.
November 6, 2012 at 10:37 am
That reminds me. Trying to change a tampon with this thing would be a circus-quality adventure.
November 6, 2012 at 10:42 am
You’d have to rig-up some kind of Rube Goldberg apparatus. It would actually be pretty hilarious, I think. Not for you, but for me.
November 6, 2012 at 10:53 am
It would have to play the generic “manufacturing” music from every Warner Bros cartoon ever while in use.
November 6, 2012 at 11:07 am
Feather tickles kitty, kitty’s tail knocks over dominoes, dominoes knock over candle which burns through string attached to wooden leg with shoe, and shoe kicks bowling ball, it drops on a lever attached to a hand that pulls out the tampon.
It’s that easy.
Putting a new one in is a whole different process.
November 6, 2012 at 12:44 pm
Now that’s what I call a “Cuntraption”!
November 6, 2012 at 12:45 pm
Hey, that’s cool. It only took about 3 hours for that to show up from when I typed it.
November 6, 2012 at 1:54 pm
People who are tweeting and facebooking “I voted” are using up the internet.
November 6, 2012 at 4:05 pm
You’ve thought about this a lot, it seems.
November 6, 2012 at 4:28 pm
He was just waiting for a use for his “feather tickles…hand pulls on a string” device. It used to be for having a cat turn on a light before he got The Clapper.
November 6, 2012 at 10:16 am
“Thanks for coming in, Matt. Sooo…why do you want to work for Fidelity Investmen…wait-what is that you’re holding?”
“Oh, this? This is my Kamper Krapper. I don’t like using public toilet seats, so I bought this hand carved hole to use on toilets.”
“The position has been filled unexpectedly within the last two minutes. I know, I thought it was odd, too. Could you use the service entrance on your way out?”
November 6, 2012 at 10:18 am
“And feel free to take any furniture that came into contact with along.”
November 6, 2012 at 10:17 am
That is made from the top back of a chair. I have those chairs and now I will think of this every time I’m eating at the table, uh oh!
November 6, 2012 at 10:22 am
If it ever came down to me considering a Kamper Krapper, I would just give up and jump straight to Depends and be done with it.
November 6, 2012 at 10:34 am
I think if it came down to it, you could learn to place toilet paper on the seat like the rest of us. Unless Sandy is knocking on the stall door, it is not that difficult.
November 6, 2012 at 11:19 am
He mentions that this would be a better alternative to the paper covers. I guess b/c those are really hard to operate.
Although, this one does have an actual opening
Kamper Krapper 1 – paper cover 0
November 6, 2012 at 10:23 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
November 6, 2012 at 10:37 am
WHAT? PLURAL?? This implies that the title “Lawrence Of A Labia” has an inherent grammatical flaw and calls into question the integrity of the porn industry itself!
November 6, 2012 at 10:46 am
i don’t know. i was typing out of my ass.
November 6, 2012 at 10:51 am
You have a talented ass. Mine can’t type. Well, it can’t type fast.
November 6, 2012 at 10:54 am
I’d rather type with mine than try to use a pen, though.
November 6, 2012 at 12:24 pm
It must type half-fast, then.
Someone had to say it. Looks like I got here just in time.
November 6, 2012 at 12:47 pm
My heroine!
November 7, 2012 at 10:50 am
I thought the vagina comparison would have been mentioned earlier.
November 7, 2012 at 3:15 pm
Decorative wooden vagina. And my husband thought I was the only one with one.
November 6, 2012 at 10:25 am
That carved design looks like you can get a good scratch while you’re sitting there, too.
November 7, 2012 at 1:20 pm
wonderful, another place to stoer your fecal matter and hairs for your next biological etsy “upsell”
November 7, 2012 at 1:20 pm
*store
November 6, 2012 at 10:27 am
I’m going to start making cozies for the Kamper Krapper.
I’m calling them Tamper Trappers.
November 6, 2012 at 10:38 am
I’d call them Krapper Keepers! Add some binder rings and hole-punched toilet paper, and you’re all set.
November 6, 2012 at 10:56 am
Can they be used multipurpose to hold women? I’m asking for a fiend.
November 6, 2012 at 11:48 am
You didn’t use my name, did you? Wait- can everyone read this?
November 6, 2012 at 12:45 pm
Fiends!
November 6, 2012 at 10:28 am
But these gems are awesome!
November 6, 2012 at 10:31 am
His talent truly knows (wooden nose included) no bounds.
November 6, 2012 at 10:57 am
Clown birdhouse scares eggs into not hatching.
November 6, 2012 at 11:16 am
I’m not sure if I want to wish for or thankful for the lack of barn wood.
November 6, 2012 at 12:39 pm
Wish for outvotes thankful for lack of. Kamper Krapper vs Outhouse Seat with Spiders.Yes!
November 6, 2012 at 11:03 am
I’m concerned that these just encourage wood fetishists.
November 6, 2012 at 11:13 am
There is another one that says something about 2 in the house are better than one in the bush? I have never had a bird in my bush…
well, occasionally there is a woodpecker that comes around looking for trouble. But i don’t know if that counts.
November 6, 2012 at 12:28 pm
Everything in that shop looks like a little birdy-turdy outhouse to me.
November 6, 2012 at 10:29 am
Whatever happened to just carrying a magazine with you to proclaim to all those present that “I wouldn’t go in there for about 15 minutes if I were you.”
November 6, 2012 at 10:31 am
You mean other than announcing to all that you have to “drop the kids off at the pool”?
November 6, 2012 at 10:32 am
I always just put a sign on the door that said “Gone Shittin’”.
November 6, 2012 at 10:33 am
or see a man about a horse?
droppin’ a deuce?
Taking a log ride?
November 6, 2012 at 10:34 am
“Do not be too hasty in entering that room. I had Taco Bell for lunch!” -Dr.O
November 6, 2012 at 10:40 am
“So many beautiful things in your house! That carved wooden thing over there has such a lovely patina. Did you use Danish Oil?”
“Not exactly. It’s a special blend that I make myself. Let’s go check out another room for a while.”
November 6, 2012 at 11:48 am
I blame the Danish Seat Oil on the Norwegian Morning Wood.
November 7, 2012 at 1:22 pm
I see the Beatles reference you did there, Zip, and I like it!
November 6, 2012 at 10:51 am
So… those intracate canals are pee-conducts, right? Because otherwise I can’t see how I’m supposed to do it. Do I shift the seat to the appropiate excreting hole? Do I sit on the ledge and just pee to the outside because the public toilet is already filthy anyway? Do I try peeing standing up and use the board as a carnival game while I put Mr. Hanky on hold?
November 6, 2012 at 10:52 am
It also works as a vegetable tray w/ dip holder, so you’re sure to get your money’s worth.
November 6, 2012 at 11:03 am
They finally made Mister Hankey a proper Vaudeville stage!
November 6, 2012 at 11:17 am
That tiny-hole thing looks like it will stay sanitary just as long as you can avoid pooping and peeing at the same time. Which is good news for nobody who lives on Earth.
November 6, 2012 at 11:51 am
Ah, klassy!
November 6, 2012 at 12:16 pm
How do yo post an image on here?
November 6, 2012 at 12:45 pm
FAQ
November 6, 2012 at 12:47 pm
It pains me to say something positive about this, but if it was re-re-repurposed into the front of an owl nest box and put up on my barn it would be pretty neat. The owls would krap somewhere else, of course.
November 6, 2012 at 12:54 pm
Show me an owl and I’ll show you someone who gives a hoot about not krapping on the krafting.
November 6, 2012 at 1:19 pm
Ummmm… splinters anyone?
November 6, 2012 at 1:57 pm
Normally I wood but I’m trying to cut down.
November 6, 2012 at 5:21 pm
It goes against my grain.
November 6, 2012 at 7:11 pm
I am just wondering what will happen when the wood is weakened and you just happen to be sitting on it when it gives way.
November 8, 2012 at 6:39 am
WELL… *takes a deep breath*
Your feet slip out from under you, your left arm flies wildly out to the side to brace yourself, but smacks the sink that is frustratingly so close to the toilet, while the right arm helplessly punches the shower curtain. Then your fanny has that freshly whipped feeling from the wood breaking, maybe a splinter…. and that, my friend, is what happens when the KK fails.
November 7, 2012 at 2:46 pm
Wait… “belongs to you and you alone”? How the hell does that seller use the disposable toilet seat covers? You know what? Nevermind.
November 8, 2012 at 6:51 pm
I can just see it now, Grandma comes to stay and sets up a lovely cheese board using the pretty board you keep in the bathroom. A wheel of cheese covering the hole, it’s the moment you stuff your mouth with cheese that you realise.