Why don’t you just wear a neon sign that says “I’m gonna take a shit now?”
Yeah, and now you’re carrying around a nasty, germy, possibly shitty seat. That really solves the problem!
I was wondering how elaborately carved wood full of hard to clean nooks and crannies could possibly be considered “sanitary”.
Yeah, but then you’ll have a cool pattern on your ass to show to your friends!
It’s like an “I voted” sticker. But for your ass. And it means “I shitted.”
It would be like a bathroom Henna tattoo.
This is an idea that needs to be dumped. “Hey your ass looks groovy – have you been using the Kamper Kraper again?”
But when it’s your own poo it just feels different. You know? Like fresher and cleaner. I like this idea, but then, I usually carry around a board smeared with my own faeces, so maybe that makes me biased. So, sue me.
With a really small hole – is it just me, or would that hole make you seize up with anxiety?
You should convo them for bigger blow hole. I know after a night of bad clams, my violently explosive diarrhea will burn brown flames into this thing.
That small hole almost guarantees there will be poop left around it. Then who picks it out of the detailed woodcarving? Like the listing says “It’s a awful process to say the least.”
The people who use public restrooms have shitty aim on normal sized toilet openings – HOW is this 1/10th size hole going to help with ANYTHING???
I had the same thought. Sometimes, you just know you’re gonna need as much room as you can get.
The small hole is why it would re-purpose well as a Glory Hole Doily.
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Wood is naturally antibacterial. It just holds less weight and is more difficult to keep LOOKING clean than plastic, which is why most public bathrooms use plastic seats nowadays.
I don’t know if you’re being sarcastic. If so, o.k. If not, wood is naturally porous so collects bacteria. The only wood I know of which is ‘naturally antibacterial’ is Neem wood. But otherwise, wood is a bacteria trap — that’s why you never see wood cutting boards in professional kitchens.
On the other hand, wood holds more weight than allcommon plastics which is why most toilet seats are plastic-covered wood.
You’re wrong, google it.
They are not used in professional kitchens because they can not be put in dishwashers and require more care. Professional dishwashers basically boil the bacteria away, handwashing not so much.
My wood is covered with bacteria. Mostly yeast.
And after it’s rested on a thousand public toilet seats, you’re carrying it in your purse next to your lipstick?
Mybe it would work better if you could wear it around you neck. That way you wouldn’t have to carry it and you could use at an accessory.
That finally answers “what flavor”…
would this be the Rapper Krapper?
Aren’t they all?
Of course not…coming soon to an etsy store near you: The Kamper Krapper KozyTM!
Too bad the carver is using his powers for evil instead of good.
Right? The carving is actually good. I can think of a thousand different things to carve like that that wouldn’t be creepy and gross.
Oh God! What is that you’re playing cribbage on???
I don’t believe the “carver” did all that intricate detail… it looks more like he stole a dining room chair from his grandmother’s house and took his rotary tool to it. Hence the fact that it doesn’t remotely fit the size of a toilet seat or an ass.
I think there were similar chairs in my parents house 20 years ago…I always thought they were shitty.
I had the same dining room chairs growing up… I think my parents would be pretty freaked out that I had bought something that looked like their chairs to shit through
Also freaky because I always thought the carving looked like a face and you would be shitting into it’s mouth
Yes…we just went into a whole new realm of weird and unsanitary.
He can make hardwood floors out of old toilets.
My long-time rule has been no WC in the WC. (no wood carvings in the water closet or vice-versa.)
Do your minions mind cleaning the seats?
Gold is non-reactive so it’s hard to stain and cleans up easily. *always thinking the little guy*
My parents STILL have these chairs.
Right? It’s a chair back, with a hole in it, repurposed as a toilet seat! Fucking awesome.
Really? Then that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. And I’ve been reading Regretsy for almost 3 years.
it was a sarcastic response to Uglyartwork’s repurposed awesomeness.
She wasn’t responding to you. If she was, it would’ve been below and to the right of your post.
oh thank you. i threw in the towel for a moment.
Dont throw in the towel until after you wipe…
I keep trying to use sarcasm on the interwebs, it never works though.
You’re not heeding my words from yesterday- post, and move on. Don’t worry about it. People here will respond to your posts a lot better.
I was on a voting high. I felt combative.
I am also responding to you LLMWS, not Matt. If I had something to say to Matt…
Zippy! You’re turning on me?? What about the good times? Well, that one good time? Alright, no good times, but what about that mediocre time?
…I would say it below and to the right of him to make my point. But only while posting. We would talk manfully face-to-face in real life, probably about “Weekend at Bernie’s II” or who has more drills.
Don’t get me started on “Weekend at Bernie’s, Part Two”, or I’ll be jabberin’ away the night…
Did I mention my plethora of drills?
D’oh! You blew it with the word ‘plethora’, dude!
I never thought I’d pray for someone to actually be a troll before. Because if this is real it drags down the average human intelligence by at least 20%.
what is it that i suffer from according to click and clack? shisms? Sarcas?
Sarchasm – the void between the user of sarcasm and those who are meant to appreciate it.
I have those chairs in my house right now. When MY grandmother gives me hand-me-down furniture, I use it as furniture. When HIS grandmother does it… well, you can see how he feels about his grandmother.
I can also confirm this, one of my childhood friend’s mother had those EXACT chairs. Good thing I am not in touch with her, I wouldn’t be able to go to her house without thinking of shit. The weird googly faces are bad enough.
Is it just me, or is that hole just a weeeee bit on the small side? I like to think that I’m just an little overweight, but I’m not sure my poop would fit through that teeny hole…
I was wondering if you have to shift it depending on if you have to shit or piss. No way can you sit on it and do both without leakage…
What if you have to puke? Do you put your face on the little hole like you do on a massage table?
There is no margin for error if your aim is off.
I can’t think of a better time to try and solve Physics problems than when already faced with Biology problems.
Learning is fun, especially in a crisis.
Necessity is the motherfucker of invention, sometimes.
I’ve admired you forever, Zippy. This comment has tipped me over into adoration
I don’t know, but it would solve the backsplash problem.
I can’t help but think about the mechanics of a man using that seat…a hole for the poop and a resting place for his junk.
Finally! A way to pee over the edge of the seat and onto my pants and shoes.
Just remember: anything that slips between the real seat and the fake seat risks horrible pinching and crushing injuries if the fake seat slides forward at all. Aim before you sit.
might want to hold the boys before you put the cover on. as we menfolk get older, the balls tend to hang lower..
“Kamper Krapper”? Seriously? That gives me Kramps.
Hopefully it does not also come with Krabs.
Porous, hard to sterilize material – check
Extra nooks and crannies for maximal infestation – check
Large size to improve exposure to peripheral germ sources – check
Non ergonomic layout to guarantee incorrect placement – checkity check check
I think our weaponized e-coli delivery system is ready.
Just launch into enemy territory and run.
Wouldn’t that be *enema* territory…
Somebody get ; Powell on the phone! (Not to be confused with Gen. Powell from the Bush admin.)
I would wear mine as a crown rather than carry it like that. Is there room for my tin foil?
If the germ situation ever becomes that bad I’ll just wear a toilet seat around my neck for personal use. Maybe I’d get a snood to wear over it so it’d be less obvious.
I can crochet you an Infinity/Möbius scarf to disguise it.
Can you crochet disposable scarves out of “Wet Ones”?
It’s like in a horror movie, where the carved demonic symbol must be filled with sacrificial blood to appease the Beast/ open the seal that holds the Devil captive/ bring about the Apocalypse.
But this one doesn’t take blood.
That reminds me. Trying to change a tampon with this thing would be a circus-quality adventure.
You’d have to rig-up some kind of Rube Goldberg apparatus. It would actually be pretty hilarious, I think. Not for you, but for me.
It would have to play the generic “manufacturing” music from every Warner Bros cartoon ever while in use.
Feather tickles kitty, kitty’s tail knocks over dominoes, dominoes knock over candle which burns through string attached to wooden leg with shoe, and shoe kicks bowling ball, it drops on a lever attached to a hand that pulls out the tampon.
It’s that easy.
Putting a new one in is a whole different process.
Now that’s what I call a “Cuntraption”!
Hey, that’s cool. It only took about 3 hours for that to show up from when I typed it.
People who are tweeting and facebooking “I voted” are using up the internet.
You’ve thought about this a lot, it seems.
He was just waiting for a use for his “feather tickles…hand pulls on a string” device. It used to be for having a cat turn on a light before he got The Clapper.
“Thanks for coming in, Matt. Sooo…why do you want to work for Fidelity Investmen…wait-what is that you’re holding?”
“Oh, this? This is my Kamper Krapper. I don’t like using public toilet seats, so I bought this hand carved hole to use on toilets.”
“The position has been filled unexpectedly within the last two minutes. I know, I thought it was odd, too. Could you use the service entrance on your way out?”
“And feel free to take any furniture that came into contact with along.”
That is made from the top back of a chair. I have those chairs and now I will think of this every time I’m eating at the table, uh oh!
If it ever came down to me considering a Kamper Krapper, I would just give up and jump straight to Depends and be done with it.
I think if it came down to it, you could learn to place toilet paper on the seat like the rest of us. Unless Sandy is knocking on the stall door, it is not that difficult.
He mentions that this would be a better alternative to the paper covers. I guess b/c those are really hard to operate.
Although, this one does have an actual opening
Kamper Krapper 1 – paper cover 0
Thank god he includes a certificate of authenticity with every purchase. This chair back actually looks like labia. (that’s plural for vaj lips.)
Are the vaj lips authentic?
WHAT? PLURAL?? This implies that the title “Lawrence Of A Labia” has an inherent grammatical flaw and calls into question the integrity of the porn industry itself!
i don’t know. i was typing out of my ass.
You have a talented ass. Mine can’t type. Well, it can’t type fast.
I’d rather type with mine than try to use a pen, though.
It must type half-fast, then.
Someone had to say it. Looks like I got here just in time.
I thought the vagina comparison would have been mentioned earlier.
Decorative wooden vagina. And my husband thought I was the only one with one.
That carved design looks like you can get a good scratch while you’re sitting there, too.
wonderful, another place to stoer your fecal matter and hairs for your next biological etsy “upsell”
I’m going to start making cozies for the Kamper Krapper.
I’m calling them Tamper Trappers.
I’d call them Krapper Keepers! Add some binder rings and hole-punched toilet paper, and you’re all set.
Can they be used multipurpose to hold women? I’m asking for a fiend.
You didn’t use my name, did you? Wait- can everyone read this?
But these gems are awesome!
His talent truly knows (wooden nose included) no bounds.
Clown birdhouse scares eggs into not hatching.
I’m not sure if I want to wish for or thankful for the lack of barn wood.
Wish for outvotes thankful for lack of. Kamper Krapper vs Outhouse Seat with Spiders.Yes!
I’m concerned that these just encourage wood fetishists.
There is another one that says something about 2 in the house are better than one in the bush? I have never had a bird in my bush…
well, occasionally there is a woodpecker that comes around looking for trouble. But i don’t know if that counts.
Everything in that shop looks like a little birdy-turdy outhouse to me.
Whatever happened to just carrying a magazine with you to proclaim to all those present that “I wouldn’t go in there for about 15 minutes if I were you.”
You mean other than announcing to all that you have to “drop the kids off at the pool”?
I always just put a sign on the door that said “Gone Shittin’”.
or see a man about a horse?
droppin’ a deuce?
Taking a log ride?
“Do not be too hasty in entering that room. I had Taco Bell for lunch!” -Dr.O
“So many beautiful things in your house! That carved wooden thing over there has such a lovely patina. Did you use Danish Oil?”
“Not exactly. It’s a special blend that I make myself. Let’s go check out another room for a while.”
I blame the Danish Seat Oil on the Norwegian Morning Wood.
I see the Beatles reference you did there, Zip, and I like it!
So… those intracate canals are pee-conducts, right? Because otherwise I can’t see how I’m supposed to do it. Do I shift the seat to the appropiate excreting hole? Do I sit on the ledge and just pee to the outside because the public toilet is already filthy anyway? Do I try peeing standing up and use the board as a carnival game while I put Mr. Hanky on hold?
It also works as a vegetable tray w/ dip holder, so you’re sure to get your money’s worth.
They finally made Mister Hankey a proper Vaudeville stage!
That tiny-hole thing looks like it will stay sanitary just as long as you can avoid pooping and peeing at the same time. Which is good news for nobody who lives on Earth.
How do yo post an image on here?
It pains me to say something positive about this, but if it was re-re-repurposed into the front of an owl nest box and put up on my barn it would be pretty neat. The owls would krap somewhere else, of course.
Show me an owl and I’ll show you someone who gives a hoot about not krapping on the krafting.
Ummmm… splinters anyone?
Normally I wood but I’m trying to cut down.
It goes against my grain.
I am just wondering what will happen when the wood is weakened and you just happen to be sitting on it when it gives way.
WELL… *takes a deep breath*
Your feet slip out from under you, your left arm flies wildly out to the side to brace yourself, but smacks the sink that is frustratingly so close to the toilet, while the right arm helplessly punches the shower curtain. Then your fanny has that freshly whipped feeling from the wood breaking, maybe a splinter…. and that, my friend, is what happens when the KK fails.
Wait… “belongs to you and you alone”? How the hell does that seller use the disposable toilet seat covers? You know what? Nevermind.
I can just see it now, Grandma comes to stay and sets up a lovely cheese board using the pretty board you keep in the bathroom. A wheel of cheese covering the hole, it’s the moment you stuff your mouth with cheese that you realise.
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