Baste Man
This post appeared on Regretsy on December 31, 2009
What bride doesn’t dream of being photographed in a bib at her reception? It’s like a fairy tale; The Princess and the Baby Back Ribs. Then at the end of the night, you can gather your bridesmaids around and throw a bucket of cole slaw.
November 2, 2012 at 1:31 pm
When your rehearsal dinner is classy, like at Red Lobster, they include the bibs. In my experience anyways.
November 2, 2012 at 1:34 pm
And they’re custom printed with bright red crustaceans. it’s like a two-fer!
November 2, 2012 at 1:44 pm
White sport coat and a pink crustacean.
November 2, 2012 at 1:33 pm
I actually do totally want to have BBQ at my wedding.
November 2, 2012 at 2:17 pm
it’s pretty freakin’ awesome… don’t do terribly saucy things and keep most of it on bread(absorbs drippies) and you’ll be fine. We did it and there were zero accidents and lots of cow, pig, chicken, turkey, and salmon to be had…
our wedding cake was also made out of lemon doughnuts filled with blueberry poppy filling… so… we weren’t afraid of the stainables. We just made sure to put on the invitation that we were serving barbecue and to please dress accordingly to both the wedding and reception… lots of good jeans and dark shirts…
November 2, 2012 at 2:40 pm
Best. Wedding. Ever.
November 4, 2012 at 3:28 am
My (then) boyfriend of years and I went up to new york, got hitched, then returned to Texas to feast upon the roasted flesh of the tasty animals… nom nom… I was excited… Now I’m like… oh dear God let my marriage still be legal SOMEWHERE after november 6th.
November 3, 2012 at 12:38 pm
Mmmmm that description made me drool a little… maybe I need a bib to read regretsy?
November 2, 2012 at 1:34 pm
I don’t know about anyone else, but I was too hungover to enjoy anything but whiskey sours at my reception. Maybe we should have had decoupaged puke buckets and bottles of ibuprofen (with a bird on it) at every table for all of my other boozing friends.
November 2, 2012 at 2:20 pm
I was wondering why grown people needed bibs for their wedding. Thanks to you, Fuckenigma I now understand….
puke bibs, and it actually makes sense!
November 2, 2012 at 1:34 pm
If my wife had known how much I needed one of these, she never would have gone through with the wedding.
November 2, 2012 at 1:34 pm
Surely they could jazz it up a little to make it more bridal. Maybe a moustache. Or an octopus. Or possibly a crying glitter eagle?
November 2, 2012 at 1:57 pm
Silver is kind of flashy.
In fact…
November 2, 2012 at 1:35 pm
Boy, I really could have used this on my honeymoon – we went to a dentist’s convention at the Three Mile Island Hilton.
November 2, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Talk about your two-fer!
November 2, 2012 at 6:30 pm
Wow – you got two cavities filled.
November 2, 2012 at 9:40 pm
I hope there was drilling that resulted in a melt-down.
November 2, 2012 at 1:46 pm
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November 2, 2012 at 1:49 pm
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November 2, 2012 at 1:55 pm
Downsthumbers.
November 2, 2012 at 1:56 pm
I wish everyone here had “up syndrome”. That would be great.
November 2, 2012 at 2:26 pm
I always try to up yours, Matt.
November 2, 2012 at 2:30 pm
Thanks, Zip. Up yours too, buddy.
November 2, 2012 at 2:32 pm
Oh thank god it’s beer-thirty. Have a good weekend, Dudes and Dudettes!
November 2, 2012 at 2:35 pm
Bye!!
November 2, 2012 at 2:37 pm
And through the carpet, down the hole, into the crawlspace, and off he goes.
November 2, 2012 at 2:40 pm
Now that he’s gone, lets all put on our bibs and get this party started!
November 2, 2012 at 6:53 pm
I was inhibiting the party?
Man- in real life it’s the opposite, usually. The web is a weird place.
November 2, 2012 at 3:32 pm
November 2, 2012 at 2:22 pm
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November 2, 2012 at 2:48 pm
ok fine. Than with one T. Ass-hat? Better?
November 2, 2012 at 8:45 pm
“Then” with one ‘e’ and no ‘a’, hyphen optional, and we’ll give it thumb thought.
November 3, 2012 at 4:26 am
touche! I was typing with confused fingers!
November 2, 2012 at 1:48 pm
I don’t know, it’d be kinda convenient for brides who have a nursing baby.
November 2, 2012 at 1:49 pm
Or an unsightly goiter.
November 2, 2012 at 1:53 pm
Is there such a thing as an attractive [or "sightly"] goiter?
November 2, 2012 at 1:55 pm
You can jazz ‘em up.
November 2, 2012 at 2:03 pm
I’d bedazzle the shit out of my goiter.
November 2, 2012 at 2:07 pm
Googly eye!!!!!!!!!!!!
November 2, 2012 at 2:16 pm
Goiter pasty! With a tassel!
November 2, 2012 at 2:20 pm
Flash your voice box.
November 2, 2012 at 5:29 pm
Wrap in lace for the ceremony.
November 2, 2012 at 2:31 pm
I just googled Bedazzled Goiter and lo and behold a few clicks later… I found this!!
November 4, 2012 at 6:57 pm
and then there’s this gem http://youtu.be/VR4O68kUj5c
November 5, 2012 at 3:37 am
wow. And i bet the girls thought they were, for sure, going to be the next viral video.
November 2, 2012 at 2:21 pm
You can take the glitter out of the goiter, but you can’t take the goiter out of the glitter.
-Words to live by.
November 2, 2012 at 2:38 pm
The exact same thing is true for “litter” and “loiter”!
November 4, 2012 at 8:08 am
That’s what I use my silver lame dickey for.
November 4, 2012 at 8:39 am
ahh yes, the lame’ dickey. Didn’t Lillian Vernon have that on Special last week?
November 2, 2012 at 3:23 pm
“So what if you have a hump on your back? Throw a little glitter on it, honey. Go dancing!”
November 2, 2012 at 3:30 pm
That’s what the veil is for!
November 2, 2012 at 1:50 pm
Bibs for the bridesmaids would help preserve their precious gowns for future reuse/blacklight inspections.
November 2, 2012 at 2:05 pm
So THERE’S the Alice in Wonderland apron I hand-sewed when I was 8!
November 2, 2012 at 2:06 pm
Is anyone else reminded of that Moody Blues classic, “Nights in White Satin-Like Material?” It was the theme of our prom. Go, Fightin’ Obfuscators!
November 2, 2012 at 2:18 pm
It reminds me of Woody Allen’s “Sleeper”. But less awesome.
November 5, 2012 at 10:06 am
Man I love that movie.
November 2, 2012 at 2:11 pm
Well, if you haven’t been to a wedding with a pie eating contest at the reception, then, you’re just not really living.
November 2, 2012 at 2:15 pm
Pie eating contest? Look who’s all fancy and la-di-da. Hot dog eating contest is where it’s at.
November 2, 2012 at 2:19 pm
I was in a wedding party once (bridesmaid). Got there on a friday and the bride’s family made a huge bowl of shrimp dip. And that’s all they fed us for 3 days. We basically ate condiments for 3 days.
I would have used that bib to wipe away my tears.
Or eaten it.
November 2, 2012 at 2:22 pm
You should have let her fall in when she had to use you guys as a brace to pee.
November 2, 2012 at 2:20 pm
Could be passed on to another Bride as the something old.
Hell yes. My daughter is a precious snowflake who deserves nothing but the finest hand-me-down ‘satin looking’ material on her special day. If she’s extra creative maybe she could turn it into a garter or something. The 30 year old barbecue sauce stains will make it more palatable for the newly minted groom when he’s pulling it off with his remaining teeth.
Klass. I has it.
November 2, 2012 at 3:25 pm
I paid $1200 for my dress and I don’t think I will subject my daughter to it, even if it is a modestly expensive fancy ballgown. I also want to avoid passing down something that was screwed in to any of my children. It just seems wrong.
November 3, 2012 at 11:03 am
So they don’t get your house then?
November 2, 2012 at 2:21 pm
I think it could be passed on to another bride as “something shitty”, but I’m not sure that’s on the list.
November 2, 2012 at 2:35 pm
I’m pretty sure that’s almost always the ‘blue’ one nobody ever remembers until it’s almost too late. My church had to stop using blue urinal cakes because they kept having to be replaced after weddings.
November 2, 2012 at 3:31 pm
I thought the blue was the virgin groom’s balls?
November 2, 2012 at 6:49 pm
I upthumbed that. Just so you know.
November 2, 2012 at 9:45 pm
Something “blew” might remove the ambiguity?
November 3, 2012 at 4:28 am
good to know someone’s got my back. (even if it is covered with bedazzled goiters)
November 3, 2012 at 7:19 am
I feel like you two and lettuce are the only ones who can read my sarcasm. What’s a girl, who’s just trying to procrastinate, to do?
-I could try getting back to work, and stop validating my existence by mocking shitty crafts all the live long day, but nah. I’ll stay here and play with my new friends, and my glittery goiters.
November 3, 2012 at 10:06 am
We get you, and we’re happy to have you here. Great name, too. Not as creative as “Matt Johnson”, but it’s still pretty good.
Although “Princess Buzzkill Crying Glitter Eagle” is still my all-time favorite. It’d be tough to beat that one.
November 3, 2012 at 10:20 am
The Car Talk guys just mentioned a new word; “sarchasm”. The void between the user of sarcasm and the person/people it was meant for. Let us be your bridge!
November 3, 2012 at 12:13 pm
awww, shwanks boys. If i ever leave my husband i’ll come look you up. we could live happy lives in constant states of mockery.
ie, people would mock us and we’d have witty comments prepared. At least most of the time, you can think about this shit before you type it…
I love the Car Talk guys. Just listened to the show (well a few hours ago) I think the lady must have been stepping on the gas too hard to make her peel out.
I love that they read this post and named the condition from which my down thumbed posts must suffer!
November 2, 2012 at 2:22 pm
I’m thinking it was meant to protect the dress during ever-classy cake smooshing part of the reception.
Except wanting to commemorate the start of a major phase in ones life by acting like three-year-olds at a food fight doesn’t normally include this much forethought.
November 2, 2012 at 2:32 pm
You have to plan for spontaneity. It won’t just occur unexpectedly!
November 2, 2012 at 2:30 pm
“Do you, Ray On, take this woman, Poly Esther…”
November 2, 2012 at 2:56 pm
The word “adult” in the listing title had me scrolling down with trepidation, expecting something sexual – like “his” and “hers” bibs with genitals embroidered on them.
You know you spend too much time on the internet when you literally FORGET for a minute that “adult” can mean “a human who has reached the age of eighteen or above.”
November 2, 2012 at 2:57 pm
…But then again, who else would the bibs be for, a TODDLER bride and groom?
Yeah. I’m not wrong. The use of “adult” here is just weird.
November 3, 2012 at 12:30 pm
That one got me too, Pop.
November 2, 2012 at 3:02 pm
Hey, if the “bride’s bib” is made of white satin-like fabric, does that mean there’s a “groom’s bib” printed to look like the front of a tuxedo? Because that would be AWESOME.
I know some of the previous commenters feel that bibs at a wedding are tacky, but this problem is solved by making the bib blend in with the outfit. A “stealth bib,” as it were. And after the meal you can whisk off the bib in one fast, smooth motion and onlookers will gasp with stunned incomprehension, wondering how you made the stains on your outfit vanish like that.
November 2, 2012 at 3:09 pm
And whoever catches it gets to pay the caterer!
November 2, 2012 at 8:51 pm
Is there a single one of you bitches I wouldn’t be better off marrying?
November 2, 2012 at 8:51 pm
*He said, in awe of yet another display of obscene cleverness.*
November 2, 2012 at 6:35 pm
If you are wearing a bib at your wedding perhaps you are marrying too young?
November 2, 2012 at 6:50 pm
If you toast with sippy-cups, you definitely know.
November 2, 2012 at 7:51 pm
“Marry in haste, finger-paint at leisure”
November 3, 2012 at 4:29 am
That’s my motto!
November 3, 2012 at 12:17 pm
I have totally been cracking up at this statement all day!
I keep picturing young brides rushing to the alter… then days later when all the wedding hullabaloo is over and she is sorta depressed b/c now all the fun planning and bossing is over, she turns to work out her issues in the age old medium of finger paints.
November 2, 2012 at 9:49 pm
If you’re registered at “Toys ‘R Us” one of two things is not right.
November 2, 2012 at 11:33 pm
What? A sippy-cup is the only way I can keep from spilling my wine after the first 2-3 glasses!