- Submitted by Bradical Best
I would totally do this.
over 120 comments and no one “Story of O” reference?
We are usually so “No O’s barred” around here, too.
Nah, it’s TWO “museli” bars for me or nothing doing!
As for being offputting even when the person is asleep (huh), couldn’t I just put the museli bar in a dead squirrel beer bottle cozy and eat it that way? It’ll look very authentic.
And using the bathroom wouldn’t be noisy? Heck, I’ll do it like owls and silently swoop over the bed while taking a crap.
I found you your dead squirrel beer bottle cozy: http://tinyurl.com/8ue6g38
The nice thing about it — it’s multifunctional!! You can tuck the “museli” bars in the little squirrel-belly, pee in the bottle (the knit fabric should absorb the noise), and finally, it’s 2-ply, so you don’t, you know, have to leave the room.
Don’t spend that $5.71/hr all in one place!
WHOever is crazy enough to do this job gets mad props from me.
I have this housemate with terrible insomnia. Do you think I should … there must be owl costumes available from Etsy … and if it works out, I could even pre-empt the advertiser on the patent before she thinks of it.
Update: Oh dear, I searched for “owl costume” on Etsy, now I won’t be able to sleep myself.
I am crazy enough–wearing an owl costume for $30 an hour, and I can sit and knit? Shit, I’m already up all night; might as well get some cash back.
I think Susan would find the knitting needles both off-putting and threatening.
I’d do it if I could wear my zombie owl costume. And hoot. While she slept.
“At last – my time has arrived.”
A patriotic owl beats a glitter-crying eagle any day in my book.
Unless the eagle is royalty!
ok – that beats the usual Nigerian Princess that wants to use my bank account or the Lottery win of large amounts for lotteries I never played. Do you think I could ask for a plane ticket on top of that? For $40/hr, I’d wear an owl costume.
I suspect it is not $40/hour, but rather $40/night.
I was thinking the same thing.
Nope, wait, it says $30 p/h at the top.
Yes it does! Address please, I’ll dress up as a Christmas Poo and sing carols all night for that kind of money.
So being a Furry is so 2010 – the new thing is a Woodsy Owl fetish?!
Dammit! You scared her off! Now what am I going to use this owl costume for?
I’d do it in a heartbeat! Money is money, and its not like its having sex or stripping. Sounds fun AND you get paid.
In money AND Museli bars!
..as long as you don’t face her while EATING the Museli bar..
What’s up with that? Especially if she’s asleep?
I have visions of her not actually being asleep, just waiting for you to decide to eat the Museli bar, then jumping up in indignation and claiming you’ve disturbed her slumber. She’ll probably refuse to pay you what she owes you for however many hours you’ve been sitting there in the owl costume too, since you violated the rules.
Who among us, due to rigorous lifelong training, can sleep through what sounds like a candy bar being unwrapped? Especially this close to Halloween.
Long experience in lectures and concerts has taught me that the unwrapping of a candy is the loudest sound in the world.
I wonder if the glow from a tablet or eReader would be problematic….
I may be going out on a limb here, but maybe her insomnia could be related to some other undiagnosed psychological problem.
She needs to see Dr. Hoo.
Ya think? She would feel better if someone in an owl costume watched her while she slept, but had no problem that it was a STRANGER in an OWL costume watching her while she slept.
While eating a muesli bar.
Maybe we should chip in and send her a cute owl plushie and see if that helps her first? :/
Ad’s already been removed… Either she got a fast response, or shortly realized this wasn’t gonna work out. XD
Or perhaps she realized that hiring a STRANGER to WATCH HER SLEEP was perhaps, on second thoughts, unwise.
I’m now trying to think of a joke about wisdom and owls…
I can think of absolutely no ways in which this could go terribly, terribly wrong. No, none at all.
Alone. And dead rodents.
It was supposed to say talons not alone.
Alone kind of works. As in: you’d be alone while “working” on this job, AND who do you talk shop with?
Sometimes the mess-ups are just as funny as the intended jokes.
hope she doesn’t expect me to hurl pellets of mouse bones at her feet.
I thought s/he wanted an owl, not boobies?
Hooters or lack thereof.
Elephants named Horton
I think a mouseli bar would be more appropriate for a person in an owl costume.
I have an owl mask that has been proven to scare the living shit out of children under 14. Maybe I can wear that?
Between that mask and the clown outfit nobody comes to beg candy from me on Halloween anymore
I’ll eat your candy
Holy shit that was creepy.
But delicious. Mmmm…..creepy treats….
Wheeeeeeeeee! I get to post this again!
I’m going to drink until I forget everything I saw since 5 PM.
But….but WHY isn’t the eagle crying a solitary, glittery tear???
Also, I kept waiting for them to turn into motorcycle kinda things, and blast rays of sunshine out their asses. But that tune? Catchy as hell.
mmmmm chocolate bacon
I’ll take that as a compliment, so thank you very much
It was meant as a compliment, so you’re welcome.
I’ll welcome your compliment.
I compliment you all on your complimentary compliments.
Does she provide the costume? Even working as a night shift nurse doesn’t pay this well – and some of my patients are up all night nagging you for pain pills and all kinds of ridiculous stuff.
I really think she’s saying she’ll just pay $40 for the whole night…
Hell, for $40 an hour, I’ll slap on some depends to make sure I don’t have to go to the bathroom.
She doesn’t say $40 an hour though, just $40… is that for the night… for the whole gig?
Ha, this is a hoot.
Owl be laughing all day.
I would do this. But, only if I could go with full realism. I could hoot a few times and then rip into a few live mice while you fall to sleep. Just like a real Owl does during the night.
I’m with you here. Full commitment is mandatory for a job like this.
That means wearing glasses and a mortarboard, too.
Need to lay in a supply of Tootsie pops, too.
How many strangers does Susan have to pay to watch her sleep? THE WORLD MAY NEVER KNOW.
Sounds like she needs one that flew over the cuckoo’s nest.
I would spend the entire night getting to the center of Tootsie Pops with 2 licks.
And picking up litter.
What about waite staff from Hooters? Although, that would make it harder.
To fall asleep.
At least she’s not asking for this lucky employeee to catch small mammals scurrying around the room.
It might be more cost-effective in the long term for her to invest in an actual owl.
Yeah, but there’s no guarantee that the owl will face the other way while eating the “museli” bar. It could be totally turned around, and still rotate its head 180° to look at her. Owls are fucked up like that.
She’d have to rethink her “museli” policy, too, because no self-respecting barn wood owl wood eat museli.
I was totally going to try for this, until it said I had to turn away to eat my bar. Sorry, that is a total deal breaker.
You should put out a counter-listing for your services as an owl-themed sleep-watcher, and list every single thing that she lists EXCEPT stipulate that you “must be watched while eating the museli bar! No exceptions!”
I think her head would explode.
Pretty sure owls are only on the lookout for a defenseless critter to snack on. What she needs is a night meerkat!
Who would send joke replies to that ad? Seems totally legit to me.
I’m already preening my interview outfit!
Whatever you do, DON’T BLINK during the interview.
Maybe she took the ad down when she noticed her typo in the pay….or, ya know, maybe some serial killer already answered the ad….
“Please, no time wasters”.
So she’s looking for someone to show up, very business-like in their owl costume, and be ready for a serious night of sleep-watching with the occasional museli bar?
I’m just making sure I’ve got this right. I think I do.
Hey. Be careful now. Don’t be making fun of the traditional, old profession of owl-costumed sleep-watchers. We take great pride in our work.
Now excuse me while I go rip up a gopher and then hork up a pellet full of hair in the corner.
Can I watch? I know it’s unorthodox, but…
OK, but only if you stick a couple of feathers to your forehead.
I already did that. I couldn’t wait.
You can watch, but I will not watch. TURN AWAY FROM ME!!! LOOK AWAYYYYY!!!!
Which Union does the Proffessional Owl-Costumed Sleep-Watchers belong to?
Oops, make that the TRADITIONAL Proffessional Owl-Costumed Sleep-Watchers.
Cute Fowl for Lonely Wakers (CF4L-W)
She specifies, ONE museli bar. Is she into petite owls or what?
She did say the owl costume is small.
It is very upsetting that this job pays so much more than mine…thanks alot masters degree.
That degree better not be in Ornithology or it will be as though life is giving you the bird.
Give me some night vision goggles and it’s a deal. Do you know how hard it is to get a Museli bar package open in the dark?
(I wonder if I can bring my dog)
No, of course not. Why would an owl have a dog?
This conversation is already off to an epic start. I wish I was drinking already.
Can you get a contact-high through the internet?
Yes you can. Each and every commenter here is a dop-a-mine!
“Hi Matt. It’s your Mom. Sooooo…….how’s the job hunt going?”
“Uhhhhhh…..It’s…going alright. I found some work. In a sense.”
“Don’t keep me in suspense, dear! What is it?”
“Uhhhh….I’ve got to go- my Mom’s on the other line.”
“What? I am your Mom.”
“I know. I’ve still got to go. Bye*click*”
“Hi, this is Matt’s mom”
“Oh, hi Mrs Johnson, how’s it going?”
“Has Matt talked to you about this job of his?”
“Uh, sure…he’s a…a night watchman. It’s just part time, but he’s got a uniform, and the job comes with a health plan–”
“Health benefits? That’s great!”
“Well, it’s more like a health voucher. Or a nutrition voucher…uh, I’ve got to go, Mrs. Johnson. See you for Sunday dinner–Matt’s bringing granola bars!*click*
I NEED to find somewhere to use the term “nutrition voucher”. Sounds like some bare-bones thing Walmart would offer its employees.
I really loved my former job, but they wouldn’t hire me permanently and give me health benefits.
The office kitchen always had big boxes of snacky things from Costco, so I decided I was going to get to like Nature Valley Sweet-and-Salty bars because that was about it in the benefits department.
I would steal toilet paper from work and say I was on the “hygiene vouchers” rolls. I’m glad I came clean about it.
Save the owls! Use your hands, Zippy
Making it harder to come clean.
My job has some pretty great perks: all the sawdust you can stuff in your pockets, free lacquer fumes, “no pants Fridays”, it’s a pretty sweet deal.
“Hello Susan, this is Matt’s Parole Officer”
“Oh, hi! Matt just sent me his resume and a picture for my night watch-owl job. He seems nice.”
“If you look carefully, you’ll see it’s actually Steven Seagal’s resume and head shot. We’ve already entered your address into Matt’s ankle bracelet so he won’t be bothering you any more. Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“Officer, a crawlspace just drove up and a one-footed man is getting out.”
This, and the resulting visuals, makes my day.
Who will watch the watcher? Why do I have a feeling this is just one clever ruse in a layered conspiracy that will end with a 1/3 of New York dead inorder to ensure a peace between the USSR and the US. In the end will it be worth it? Nothing ever ends.
I think a call to a Mr. Steven Seagal is in order. He’ll figure it out- mostly with karate.
I think he’s going to want more muesli bars, though.
Yeah. That dojo doesn’t pay for itself.
“The Rock” will do the same job for pot money, so he can get… HIDDEN DUE TO POTENTIAL LOW COMMENT RATING
Were you gonna say “down syndrome”? Trust me, they don’t like that.
If I were so well off that I could afford $40 a night for someone to just stare at me and eat granola bars, I’d probably be sleeping better just knowing I had that kind of financial security.
It’s actually per hour, ha!
Not even that, $40 per hour (p/h). From 11pm to 6am, so 7 hours a day. She wants each of a few people do do a few nights each, but she’s prepared to pay $1,960 a week for her Sleepytime Friend.
Is that a highly airbrushed Scott Baio? Because I would sooo hire him to watch me sleep.
Edward Cullen, the effervescent vampire.
I got a feeling that in the morning only one person in that room is going to be alive… But I have no idea which one!
Don’t eat the Muesli bars – they’re PEOPLE!!!!
“Owl I know this ain’t a trick an’ some ‘orney old pecker of a male owl won’t jump out an’ try ta teach me propah Owlish? Or make me into an “ooters girl?
- Dr. Eliza Doolittle.
“And we danced, swept away for a moment by chance”
The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea
In a beautiful pea green boat,
They took some honey, and plenty of money,
Wrapped up in a five pound note.
The Owl looked up to the stars above,
And sang to a small guitar,
‘O lovely Pussy! O Pussy my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are,
What a beautiful Pussy you are!’
-Edward Lear, lady admirer
“Somebody’s been leaving food out and it’s attracting owls. And I, for one, am getting tired of cleaning out those owl traps.” -Hermes
“Good work, Glaucus!” -Athena
Oh, wait. Wrong Hermes. Sorry!
“Sweet cheeks of the Greeks!”
- *that* Hermes
May I eat my Museli bar with a runcible spoon?
Only if you don’t look at me while you do.
And I’ll know if you are, even if I’m asleep.
All I want is a room somewhere
Sleeping under an owl’s stare
With one chewed Muesli there
‘Ow woohdenent be loverly?
The howls from blocked bowels
Come mainly from the owls.
Don’t make fun. This is how all talonted Hollywood stars get their start. To name a few: Feather Locklear, Rodent Serling, Kirstie Owly, Marlon Barno… The list goes on and on.
It’s how the Bard Owl got its name.
Hoot Jackman, Grant et al.
This is from a company based in Australia. I’ve seen the pitfalls of their wildlife. They have a spider that catches and eats birds.
Mother fucking birds.
I do not think this woman is that crazy.
But wouldn’t such a spider eat the owl? Jesus, Australia’s out for my next camping trip
There are many ways to die on a camping trip in Australia. That’s why you should always bring a sleep watcher.
That explains the costume! This way any spiders that swing by eats the person in costume and not Susan. Susan, knowing this, can then get some sleep.
I’ve seen too many episodes of “Strange Sex” (and by too many, I mean 3) for this to trigger my Bizarre Meter. If they wanted you to wear an owl costume made out of balloons over a soiled diaper and talk only in klingon through a robot voice emulator, then I might think about getting creeped out.
You’re a hard motherfucker, Plembot. You a Blood or a Crip?
So you’re a Blip? Sounds less intimidating that way.
I prefer Crood.
I didn’t specify the diaper had to be soiled with poo and the balloons were supposed to be condoms. But the real reason you didn’t get the job is you speak Klingon with a Cardassian accent and I hate trying to keep up with that shit.
I thought that the diaper would keep up with the shit?
Things won’t go well for this woman if the person she hires considers killing her in her sleep as a job perk.
What’s the difference between Pedobear and Woodsy Owl?
Woodsy likes older women.
Wait… what… did I just miss my dream job?
Goddamn agent was supposed to call me!
1. Is it the costume that is supposed to be small or do you want a costume of a small breed of owl?
2. If I’d accept dead mice instead of the muesli bar, could I have two?
3. How is it that you find a person eating “offputting” yet are O.K. with a stranger staring at you while you sleep?
Serious answers only – all other will be deleted.
This job was not OSHA approved, either: no approved perch.
This is a Sherlock Holmes-style setup. Next thing you know, she’ll want you to sit in a particular rocking chair next to a window. You won’t even feel Colonel Sebastian Moran’s bullet.
OK, you get a thumbs-up for a canon ref, sirrah.
Thanks. I considered going the Copper Beeches route, but the idea of the big-game hunter taking a shot at the biggest Great Horned Owl ever seemed funnier.
the best part is the blog where she’s put up the responses
if you thought she was nuts with the ad…
Oh lordy, lordy, Susan lives only a ten minute drive from my house. If anyone is going to require a person dressed as an owl to watch over them at night, they’ll live in Collingwood. I might have a prowl around at 5 past 6 tomorrow morning and see if I spot anyone in an owl costume, then report back.
Does Susan provide the owl costume or does the Watcher? And how does one stick feathers to one’s forehead? Blu-Tack, sticky tape or staples? And must they be owl feathers or could you pull some feathers from the tail of a passing cockatoo?
Thank goodness for backup to my comment! I hadn’t seen your comment but now glad I have. Hey, I wanna know why she wants owls and not a cockatoo? Oh, forgot……COLLINGWOOD!
If that was anywhere near me, I’d totally do it. Owl costume and all – I already have my own insomnia…
wonder if I would have been allowed to quietly play games on my phone (or read books DL’d to it)
Laugh all you want, haters. I know I for one would feel WAY safer being watched while I sleep by some stranger from Craigslist dressed in an owl costume than if I were to get, I dunno, a dog or something.
Or better still, a rotating staff of strangers from Craigslist in owl costumes.
Will dressing like the etsy HQ owl be ok?
This is the same Susan
I’m going to steal someone else’s comment and say, there’s no way that could possibly end in murder.
OK when do you want me ?
Wait… It’s a PRANK?!
Say it ain’t so…
Here in The Land of Oz..no not my screen name the REAL Land of Oz,..oh wait..let me start again…Here in Australia where I live…in fact I live (cough) near Collingwood, Melbourne and I can vouch for two things. One, there are no freaking owls in Collingwood, awake OR asleep, and Two; Collingwood is where the druggies hang out….unless you live on the ‘good side’ I suspect this lovely nutjob hangs out in the Botanical gardens at night too often and the owls THERE can’t understand her English enough to take the job. ….I’m so ashamed……Aussies what are you doing to our reputation? >walks off quietly sobbing into my beer<
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