Once again this is a clever way that certain covert Etsians are waging war against the hipster onslaught. What most people don’t realize is that this fake beards are like chinese finger traps. The harder you yank on them the firmer they stay. Secondly, a large number of hipsters live in cities with subways and light rails, with doors that don’t automatically open if something is stuck in them. So, eventually the time will come when he gets on the subway, and the door closes behind him. She’ll be standing on the platform with the realization of what is about to happen. There be a few seconds in which they desperately try to yank off the beards with no avail. Then the train leaves the station and there is one less hipster couple.
If I wanted to wear this AND managed to find someone willing to do the same I would NEVER leave them. Because that person would be my one option in life.
I wouldn’t be so blow-things-uppy if you people would stop committing affronts against God and Nature with your knitting needles, hot glue guns, bedazzlers and other Tools of Satan!
I agree. At least when I’m out walking around in one of these Welcomerain and OBP won’t be able to identify me and comment directly on my…unfemininity.
TROLL HARD WITH A VENGEANCE II – Electric Boogaloo
+15
Zippy
October 18, 2012 at 11:48 am
Why must these women challenge my stereotypes by not sculpting their eyebrows and wearing make-up like the girls in the magazines do? I bet she hasn’t even bleached her no-no zone!
I’m honored and giving myself thumbs up for FINALLY having something clever be used by the all powerful zippy. I am telling myself he got it from me the other day during that whole peacock feather pointing to the no-no zone madness. Can I have this one? My self respect depends on this…
thank you, jesus. i will be posting it for sale on etsy. and reselling and reselling and reselling it… (or is this what someone else should be commenting… ) no-no zones running amok amok amok!!!
+6
Zippy
October 18, 2012 at 8:00 pm
I launched an IPO of my share and the NASDAQ went crazy! Then, I was over-leveraged and lost my rights to say “no-no” in any context. This will not end well for me.
+10
lovinglymadewithspite
October 19, 2012 at 12:20 am
ohhhh, I hate when that happens…
I’m getting cease and desist letters from etsy…. that’s funny, that’s not like them?
Wow, an off the cuff comment and look where it all went from there. Name calling, accusations of immaturity, snap judgements and plain crap galore. Oh wait… I am the one supposed to be all of these things as I see here, yet a lot of you are doing just the same…
Hey Pot meet Kettle. Nice to know the crowd you run with, eh?
For squarepegs clarification- no I am not the same as welcomerain. Don’t know that I have ever replied to their comments before or who they are to the point of if it is a male or female poster. Like others have said, who has time to have multiple accounts and switch back and forth?
Carry on then and continue with the bashing, name calling and other fuckery as you will. Gawd knows you don’t need me to start things and incite a witch hunt.
Actually, the comment you’re replying to said nothing about her body. But heaven help us if someone doesn’t find someone else attractive! Then the comment squad has to come out and start calling people names.
How about you substantiate your accusations of “shaming” before you start calling people “asshats?”
Are you attracted to everything you see? Does every person on earth appeal to you? No? I guess that makes you an asshat then. And unless you find every single body type attractive, you’re a body shamer too.
Um – not being attracted to people and calling a woman a MAN are two completely different things. If I’m not attracted, I’m just not attracted. I don’t judge someone based on their looks, and I don’t call a woman a man, or fat, or ugly. THAT’S body shaming. HUGE fucking difference.
If you send your firefox on safari to wipe out that troll who keeps appearing in this post, I’ll give you a shiny chrome mosaic I’ve been making.
+5
angelbuttons77
October 20, 2012 at 10:43 am
But trolls are fun! This one isn’t particularly sharp OR funny either, so it’s almost too easy. But ya know. It ups the post counts on the thread for Crochet…….
+3
butts lol
October 18, 2012 at 9:51 am
Awesome! I’ve been looking for AGES for a warmer to fit my Dickie.
I want to be videoing them when they’ve had these on for long enough to forget about having them on, and then they walk around a pole or a tree – on opposite sides.
Depending on how these are attached, it could be hilarity or a trip to the ER – but in any case, I’m getting the prize on America’s Funniest Home Videos (unless “Football in the Groin” is a contender)
The loops are just to hold it up. Looking at the other pics, it actually goes around the back of the neck. I’m guessing you pull it on like a cowl. So, with that in mind, Princess Buzzkill could get a stellar vid!
That was the first thing I thought of…I love my husband and all, but the whole thing looks terribly awkward. First time I got caught on something would be the end of it….
I happened to Baby Jane
October 18, 2012 at 10:48 am
5000 Fingers is my FAVORITE movie of all time. I finally found a DVD of it.
Remember that this scene went badly for the twins when Bart cut their beards apart. They lost all strength and collapsed. Think it would happen to the hipsters?
I happened to Baby Jane
October 18, 2012 at 11:03 am
What could be better than live-action Dr. Seuss?
And there is a lovely topical note that Dr. T keeps Bart’s mom in her Lock-Me-Tight at night to keep her safe. Sort of a fifties chiffon version of Women in Binders…..
Hello – despite the fact that we are dressed up as members of the Lakers fan club – Mines of Moria chapter – we still feel entitled to wear these incredibly smug expressions on our faces.
If it lived up to its flavors theme and the colors swirled together like that Smuckers product I might hate it less.
But swirling would require more time spent on craft skills and less on hipstering.
Wouldn’t you have to get a tandem ironic-one-speed bike to cruise around and show all your crappy friends, though? Seems like you’d need a whole lot of gear to facilitate this stupid thing.
I live in Austin and let me tell you… A tandem ironic one-speed is nothing.
I’m betting I’ll see this on a couple on a tandem unicycle– don’t ask me how it works– I don’t know but I’ve seen them. And of course, they’ll be blocking me in traffic.
I will carry a long hooked device in my car to use to yank upon the attached part and then I will laugh.
South Congress really started getting lame/hipsterish right when I moved to Louisiana, luckily. I lived on E.39th, sort of near the Fiesta, and the East Side was just starting to become the hip “artsy” neighborhood. I worked at a metal studio right near Blue Genie.
I live at the building on W. 4th and Nueces right in the heart of downtown. Fortunately I’m shielded from the majority of the hipsters unless I go to the Whole Foods but I still get some jackass on a tall bike or a mountain-man-esque 20-year-old riding in a Model T-shaped bicycle shell made of upcycled plastic or something else mind-numbingly stupid.
Now that I think about it I feel like Austin would be a great place for a Regretsy meetup actually. There’s just so much whimsicle fuckery to go around these days.
I probably wouldn’t go so far as to say “thrilled” because my ex is actually a really great guy and an old friend of mine. We just weren’t super compatible romantically and wound up arguing a lot. So I do consider it for the best, especially now that I’m in a relationship with a guy who’s a better match for me.
I also feel compelled to state that we do not have crocheted beards either. I have bipolar disorder and he has schizophrenia, but we’re not THAT crazy.
If two of them get attached to each other by design they lose their Petja privileges. If they get tangled with each other during naughty behavior, that’s different.
I’m working on an alchemy experiment to turn downthumbs into pure gold. Do you realize the money making potential of that much concentrated negativity? I’LL BE RICH!!!
Conversation starter? Because “Hi, we’re out of the institution on our day-pass” isn’t really loud enough unless you have the conjoined beard to prove it.
I think it would be great if the tandem beard thing had a third swinging cornucopia bassinet for their baby to swing in. Just to go full-on batshit-insane with that thing.
You could put a beard on your baby girl, then act all offended when people assumed she was a boy. “How COULD you!!” Just the double-takes when they first noticed would be worth it…
Though somehow, I imagine that when the other party tries it on, it squeals, latches on like a face-hugger alien, and takes over. Suddenly you crave vinyl records and “upcycled” decorative lamps.
I don’t have boobs currently, but if I did, having them immersed in cups filled with Nutella might be the greatest thing ever. Or the worst. I’m not sure.
What you really need is a beard hat – which I have made for a Dallas Etsy event (although I have now and have never been an Etsy seller) – It’s itchy as hell and sure isn’t worth $98.00. http://www.ravelry.com/projects/tejasmom/bearded-toque
October 18, 2012 at 9:34 am
IT’S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!
October 18, 2012 at 9:43 am
IT’S PUNCHING HIPSTERS IN THE FACE TIME!
October 18, 2012 at 11:09 am
Seriously that was my first though too. I am afraid that beards are the new moustache.
October 18, 2012 at 11:23 am
Once again this is a clever way that certain covert Etsians are waging war against the hipster onslaught. What most people don’t realize is that this fake beards are like chinese finger traps. The harder you yank on them the firmer they stay. Secondly, a large number of hipsters live in cities with subways and light rails, with doors that don’t automatically open if something is stuck in them. So, eventually the time will come when he gets on the subway, and the door closes behind him. She’ll be standing on the platform with the realization of what is about to happen. There be a few seconds in which they desperately try to yank off the beards with no avail. Then the train leaves the station and there is one less hipster couple.
October 19, 2012 at 12:26 am
Etsy has binders full of Hipsters
October 19, 2012 at 3:07 pm
Yeah but the retro self-stick daisies on ‘em HAVE GOT TO GO!
October 18, 2012 at 10:12 am
PEANUT BUTTER JELLY! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY WITH A BASEBALL BAT!
October 18, 2012 at 10:12 am
Damn, meant to add…BRING ON THE BASEBALL BAT!!!!
October 18, 2012 at 9:37 am
They are each other’s Beard.
October 18, 2012 at 9:59 am
Ah, mutual bearding. An old Hollywood tradition.
October 18, 2012 at 10:22 am
what’s the opposite of a beard? a skirt? a bow? is there even a term?
October 18, 2012 at 10:28 am
oh, nevermind. it’s a merkin.
October 18, 2012 at 1:17 pm
October 18, 2012 at 9:40 am
Perfect for those so insecure they need to be tethered to the other person in their life. :/
October 19, 2012 at 8:31 am
October 19, 2012 at 8:44 am
October 19, 2012 at 12:17 pm
Pedobear likes wraps!
October 19, 2012 at 2:35 pm
If I wanted to wear this AND managed to find someone willing to do the same I would NEVER leave them. Because that person would be my one option in life.
October 18, 2012 at 9:42 am
This is why the terrorists hate us.
October 18, 2012 at 11:35 am
I wouldn’t be so blow-things-uppy if you people would stop committing affronts against God and Nature with your knitting needles, hot glue guns, bedazzlers and other Tools of Satan!
- Ayatollayaso Krimminy
October 18, 2012 at 4:24 pm
sheesh! Are you still mad because I thought the Kaaba would look better with sequins all over it?
I said I was sorry already!
October 18, 2012 at 4:30 pm
Wait, Sheesh Kaaba? *detonates underwear bomb*
October 18, 2012 at 4:38 pm
Underwear bomb? Is that a fart euphemism?
*is 12 again*
October 18, 2012 at 7:44 pm
It was, cuz I’m a passgasist. *sees your 12 and lowers you 2*
October 19, 2012 at 12:19 am
Zipster
Your explanation stinks to high heaven. Is it a fart euphemism ?- well it Depends and don’t Pamper me with fake kissies and Huggies
October 19, 2012 at 7:35 am
Buttsted!
October 18, 2012 at 9:43 am
I bet you anything that those two fought over who would be “jelly” and who would be “peanut butter”.
I will lay down cash money.
October 18, 2012 at 9:54 am
“C’monnnnnn! I wanna be peanut butter! You ALWAYS get to be peanut butter!”
October 18, 2012 at 9:57 am
But the peanut butter goes better with my hair, jelly with yours…. I’ve got the color and skin tone for it
October 18, 2012 at 10:24 am
“The jelly goes with your Cosmopolitan. The peanut butter goes with my microbrew.”
October 18, 2012 at 11:38 am
“Legume, this is my beard.”
“Jam it!”
“Why must you be so jarring?”
October 19, 2012 at 12:22 am
You must be Jelly cause peanut butter don’t shake like that!! (cue mammary motorboat)
October 19, 2012 at 12:23 am
A couple of Schmuckers?!
October 18, 2012 at 9:44 am
I wonder if they’ll wear this when they apply for a home equity loan or child adoption?
October 18, 2012 at 10:21 am
I wonder if they would wear it in public. Like into a convenience store. Oh hello Officer! A stick up? Why no.
October 18, 2012 at 11:13 am
Now I’m imagining the robbery scene from Pulp Fiction, only the couple is wearing this.
October 18, 2012 at 10:22 am
One can only hope.
October 18, 2012 at 11:16 am
I think it certainly would help push your application along at Ringling Bros.
October 18, 2012 at 9:46 am
I thought the expression was “attached at the hip”
October 18, 2012 at 9:49 am
I thought it was “mad as a hatter”, but apparently it’s “nutty as a two person beard”
October 18, 2012 at 9:54 am
“Nutty as a peanut butter beard”?
October 18, 2012 at 11:07 am
Attached at the hipster accessory?
October 18, 2012 at 9:46 am
This is not the way human exchange genetic material.
In any case – GET A ROOM.
October 18, 2012 at 9:50 am
“We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I’d like to hear it.”
October 18, 2012 at 7:23 pm
October 18, 2012 at 9:50 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
October 18, 2012 at 10:11 am
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October 18, 2012 at 10:47 am
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October 18, 2012 at 10:53 am
Enough with the body shaming already! She’s a beautiful woman.
October 18, 2012 at 11:04 am
I agree. At least when I’m out walking around in one of these Welcomerain and OBP won’t be able to identify me and comment directly on my…unfemininity.
October 18, 2012 at 11:21 am
“Unfeminine hag, get thee to a binder!”
October 18, 2012 at 10:05 pm
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October 19, 2012 at 2:01 am
Go away, please.
October 19, 2012 at 7:25 am
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October 19, 2012 at 8:40 am
I miss our old trolls, who were funnier when they called us FJLs.
BE FUNNIER!
October 19, 2012 at 9:26 am
TROLL HARDER!
October 19, 2012 at 10:56 am
Finish 10th grade first and then come back?
October 19, 2012 at 12:19 pm
TROLL HARD WITH A VENGEANCE!
October 19, 2012 at 2:27 pm
TROLL HARD WITH A VENGEANCE II – Electric Boogaloo
October 18, 2012 at 11:48 am
Why must these women challenge my stereotypes by not sculpting their eyebrows and wearing make-up like the girls in the magazines do? I bet she hasn’t even bleached her no-no zone!
October 18, 2012 at 1:41 pm
What a Great Screen name – “nonozone”…wish I’d thought of that!
October 18, 2012 at 3:54 pm
I’m honored and giving myself thumbs up for FINALLY having something clever be used by the all powerful zippy. I am telling myself he got it from me the other day during that whole peacock feather pointing to the no-no zone madness. Can I have this one? My self respect depends on this…
October 18, 2012 at 4:34 pm
It was yours and it is a good one! And now it belongs to all of us, as is the Regretsy Way. Hear that, Copyin & Pastin? WE OWN IT!
October 18, 2012 at 4:45 pm
I’m subletting my share of it already. It’s a moneymaker for sure!
October 18, 2012 at 5:13 pm
thank you, jesus. i will be posting it for sale on etsy. and reselling and reselling and reselling it… (or is this what someone else should be commenting… ) no-no zones running amok amok amok!!!
October 18, 2012 at 8:00 pm
I launched an IPO of my share and the NASDAQ went crazy! Then, I was over-leveraged and lost my rights to say “no-no” in any context. This will not end well for me.
October 19, 2012 at 12:20 am
ohhhh, I hate when that happens…
I’m getting cease and desist letters from etsy…. that’s funny, that’s not like them?
October 18, 2012 at 1:42 pm
you said no-no zone!
October 19, 2012 at 7:41 am
Don’t ever confuse no-no zone with non-ozone or the icecaps will melt.
October 18, 2012 at 2:34 pm
I didn’t think she was unfeminine. But I might have been distracted by the magnificently manly bosom.
October 19, 2012 at 1:58 pm
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October 18, 2012 at 11:09 am
Yeah, you can see SO much of her face, what with the fake beard and the shitty camera angle. Enough to body shame and be an asshat.
October 18, 2012 at 1:43 pm
I love the word asshat. Same with buttmuncher and fartknocker.
October 18, 2012 at 8:57 pm
My personal favorites are douchenozzle and douchecanoe.
October 18, 2012 at 9:26 pm
I love fuckstick and witwicky, along with the aforementioned designations.
October 19, 2012 at 5:23 am
I like cuntwart as well. But douchecanoe really, REALLY works in so many situations.
October 24, 2012 at 4:43 pm
I like it too.
ə-SHAT.
October 18, 2012 at 4:16 pm
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October 18, 2012 at 5:26 pm
Is face shaming a thing? Because I assumed that her face was attached to her entire body. @@
October 18, 2012 at 8:19 pm
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October 19, 2012 at 5:23 am
Then WTF were they basing their bashing on??? Substantiate your point. Duh.
October 19, 2012 at 2:12 pm
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October 20, 2012 at 10:41 am
Um – not being attracted to people and calling a woman a MAN are two completely different things. If I’m not attracted, I’m just not attracted. I don’t judge someone based on their looks, and I don’t call a woman a man, or fat, or ugly. THAT’S body shaming. HUGE fucking difference.
October 18, 2012 at 8:54 pm
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October 18, 2012 at 10:40 pm
If you don’t like us, then get the fuck out, troll.
October 19, 2012 at 7:26 am
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October 19, 2012 at 8:41 am
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BE FUNNIER!!!!
October 19, 2012 at 10:57 am
Or just be funny AT ALL
October 18, 2012 at 3:21 pm
I know I’m new here, but am I the only person who feels like OBadPixie and welcomerian might be the same person?
October 18, 2012 at 4:16 pm
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October 18, 2012 at 10:21 pm
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October 19, 2012 at 8:43 am
Our old trolls would remember a lot of us aren’t female.
FUNNIER!!!!
October 18, 2012 at 5:41 pm
Don’t know… have we ever seen them together in the same room?
Hmmmmm…..
October 18, 2012 at 10:30 pm
I’m running about 10 identities here so don’t piss me,me,me,me,me,me and the rest of me off.
October 19, 2012 at 12:07 am
It’s dangerous Dark magic to make that many Horcruxes!
October 19, 2012 at 7:44 am
I’m not a Hor! I’m just really easy! And could use a few bucks. And you going finish all those drugs?
October 19, 2012 at 12:23 am
all that logging in and logging out and switching… ugh, who has the time?
October 19, 2012 at 5:22 am
You can have at least 3 going at once, on different browsers….Firefox, IE, Chrome….oh, uh, how do I know? A friend told me once. Oh, look at the time!
October 19, 2012 at 7:53 am
My Netscape identity recently fell down and can’t get up, so he’s been relegated to AOL discussions about kids on porches, etc.
October 19, 2012 at 11:06 am
If you send your firefox on safari to wipe out that troll who keeps appearing in this post, I’ll give you a shiny chrome mosaic I’ve been making.
October 20, 2012 at 10:43 am
But trolls are fun! This one isn’t particularly sharp OR funny either, so it’s almost too easy. But ya know. It ups the post counts on the thread for Crochet…….
October 18, 2012 at 9:51 am
Awesome! I’ve been looking for AGES for a warmer to fit my Dickie.
October 18, 2012 at 9:54 am
Go to Alaska where at the local conveniance store you will find a Pecker Parka!
October 18, 2012 at 10:27 am
You find me a guy that would fill that out and I’ll give you a 10% cut of my management fees off his lucrative porn career.
October 18, 2012 at 10:51 am
I believe most men armed with plenty of porn and a strong arm *could* eventually fill that, but probably not in the way you were thinking…
October 18, 2012 at 9:53 am
This would almost make a nice cornocopia, fall centerpiece decoration for the Thanksgiving table. Almost.
Then again stuffing either end with colorful fake leaves, still wouldn’t make it worth that price. At least not to me anyways.
October 18, 2012 at 9:54 am
It sure looks dandy stuffed with hipsters.
October 18, 2012 at 10:44 pm
I’d stitch green jingle-bells all over it and wear it for Mardi Gras.
October 19, 2012 at 10:25 am
Yes! Reference my favorite seasonal poem of all time:
http://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/its-decorative-gourd-season-motherfuckers
October 18, 2012 at 9:53 am
I want to be videoing them when they’ve had these on for long enough to forget about having them on, and then they walk around a pole or a tree – on opposite sides.
Depending on how these are attached, it could be hilarity or a trip to the ER – but in any case, I’m getting the prize on America’s Funniest Home Videos (unless “Football in the Groin” is a contender)
October 18, 2012 at 9:58 am
It appears they are attached via yarn loops around the ears, which should sting mightly when they hit a tree.
October 18, 2012 at 6:50 pm
The loops are just to hold it up. Looking at the other pics, it actually goes around the back of the neck. I’m guessing you pull it on like a cowl. So, with that in mind, Princess Buzzkill could get a stellar vid!
October 18, 2012 at 11:54 am
That was the first thing I thought of…I love my husband and all, but the whole thing looks terribly awkward. First time I got caught on something would be the end of it….
October 18, 2012 at 9:54 am
That looks like Super Chunky yarn.
October 18, 2012 at 10:00 am
Tge only thing that shocks me about this is the price. $98? Seriously?
October 18, 2012 at 10:01 am
*the*
October 18, 2012 at 12:29 pm
You can’t put a price on awesome.
October 18, 2012 at 10:00 am
I wanna throw a bucket of hershey’s Syrup on them PETA style and yell “You just got Reese’d”
October 18, 2012 at 6:37 pm
I really want to smoosh their heads together between two slices of bread.
Then chop them in half diagonally.
October 18, 2012 at 10:02 am
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October 18, 2012 at 10:09 am
Hipster gals who want to smooch a beard can just get a hipster boy with an actual beard.
Hipsters boys who want to smooch a beard can contact me.
This here, though, is just silly. The whole knit beards thing is meh.
October 18, 2012 at 10:15 am
This is handy! If I grab the joined par, I can pull them off and make two hipsters cry at the same time!
October 18, 2012 at 10:21 am
part
October 18, 2012 at 10:47 am
I was gonna say- this thing’s way below par.
October 18, 2012 at 4:10 pm
and as the saying goes, Every time a hipster cries a micro brew goes flat.
October 18, 2012 at 10:20 am
Is anyone else reminded of the evil Siamese twins from the Dr. Seuss movie, “The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T”? Just me?
October 18, 2012 at 10:24 am
Yes! I was just thinking of this!
October 18, 2012 at 10:35 am
I was reminded of Thompson and Thomson in on of the Tintin books where their beards do something similar. It bothered me then and it bothers me now!
October 18, 2012 at 10:48 am
5000 Fingers is my FAVORITE movie of all time. I finally found a DVD of it.
Remember that this scene went badly for the twins when Bart cut their beards apart. They lost all strength and collapsed. Think it would happen to the hipsters?
October 18, 2012 at 1:20 pm
They would be unable to glue birds on things (the great hipster art form) and move away from Portland in disgrace.
October 18, 2012 at 10:54 am
I didn’t know this existed! This must have come out when I was a child-free young adult and avoided any entertainment made for people under 17.
October 18, 2012 at 10:56 am
It is a trip and a half. I haven’t seen it in years, but it seriously creeped me out as a kid. I highly recommend it.
October 18, 2012 at 11:03 am
What could be better than live-action Dr. Seuss?
And there is a lovely topical note that Dr. T keeps Bart’s mom in her Lock-Me-Tight at night to keep her safe. Sort of a fifties chiffon version of Women in Binders…..
October 18, 2012 at 7:36 pm
Ahh, I was just going to post this, but you beat me.
October 19, 2012 at 12:14 am
It’s never just you.
October 19, 2012 at 3:14 pm
ZZ Top, no?
October 18, 2012 at 10:23 am
Hello – despite the fact that we are dressed up as members of the Lakers fan club – Mines of Moria chapter – we still feel entitled to wear these incredibly smug expressions on our faces.
October 18, 2012 at 10:30 am
Goobers.
October 18, 2012 at 11:14 am
Nah, it’s not grape….
October 18, 2012 at 12:26 pm
I disagree with you on two levels: a. a goober is a peanut and b. she’s clearly grape.
October 18, 2012 at 5:28 pm
Sorry – I was referencing Goober Grape – the peanut butter and grape jelly swirled in a jar?? I thought the beard looked like strawberry. lol
I thought Goobers were chocolate covered peanuts…
October 18, 2012 at 12:01 pm
I’ve heard that every time two angels disagree, a third angel gets its wings.
October 18, 2012 at 12:49 pm
And’s is a cute angel.
October 18, 2012 at 12:50 pm
*And it’s…
October 18, 2012 at 10:32 am
Finally, something to dislike even more than that repulsive $6 t-shirt guy with the creepy beard over on the ad column!
October 18, 2012 at 11:08 am
His shirts rock though!!
October 18, 2012 at 2:39 pm
Say what you want about the beard, but that is the best You-have-died-of-dysentery face I have ever seen.
October 18, 2012 at 10:36 am
I kind of love this.. don’t hate me!
October 18, 2012 at 10:42 am
Too late.
(joke)
October 18, 2012 at 10:46 am
If it lived up to its flavors theme and the colors swirled together like that Smuckers product I might hate it less.
But swirling would require more time spent on craft skills and less on hipstering.
October 18, 2012 at 10:50 am
Wouldn’t you have to get a tandem ironic-one-speed bike to cruise around and show all your crappy friends, though? Seems like you’d need a whole lot of gear to facilitate this stupid thing.
October 18, 2012 at 10:54 am
I believe you’ve identified the hipster’s consumerist crux—needing a lot of (stupid, ironic and really expensive) stuff.
October 18, 2012 at 12:31 pm
I live in Austin and let me tell you… A tandem ironic one-speed is nothing.
I’m betting I’ll see this on a couple on a tandem unicycle– don’t ask me how it works– I don’t know but I’ve seen them. And of course, they’ll be blocking me in traffic.
I will carry a long hooked device in my car to use to yank upon the attached part and then I will laugh.
October 18, 2012 at 12:46 pm
I lived there too, and I don’t doubt you.
October 18, 2012 at 12:55 pm
$50 says I see a couple wearing this beard eating at some food trailer with an asinine name near South Congress within a month.
One just opened with the word “Nom-Rockin’” in the name and I think that’s the most likely candidate.
October 18, 2012 at 4:38 pm
If I don’t see someone(s) wearing this on the Portlandia TV show in the next few months I will lose all respect for their research team.
October 18, 2012 at 9:35 pm
It’s like Austin & Portland are twins separated at birth.
October 18, 2012 at 10:33 pm
But still conjoined at the fuckery.
October 18, 2012 at 1:05 pm
South Congress really started getting lame/hipsterish right when I moved to Louisiana, luckily. I lived on E.39th, sort of near the Fiesta, and the East Side was just starting to become the hip “artsy” neighborhood. I worked at a metal studio right near Blue Genie.
October 18, 2012 at 2:36 pm
I live at the building on W. 4th and Nueces right in the heart of downtown. Fortunately I’m shielded from the majority of the hipsters unless I go to the Whole Foods but I still get some jackass on a tall bike or a mountain-man-esque 20-year-old riding in a Model T-shaped bicycle shell made of upcycled plastic or something else mind-numbingly stupid.
Now that I think about it I feel like Austin would be a great place for a Regretsy meetup actually. There’s just so much whimsicle fuckery to go around these days.
October 18, 2012 at 10:35 pm
If Austin gets a meet-up before Portland I will come down there and MESS WITH TEXAS, YA’LL 10-GALLON ASSHATS!
October 19, 2012 at 11:16 am
And if Portland gets one before SF does I will come up there and take a bird OFF it!
October 19, 2012 at 12:24 pm
I have to admit you’ve got pluck, Mel.
October 19, 2012 at 12:35 pm
Molt-o gentile, te.
October 18, 2012 at 10:43 am
This appears to be the new “I’m With Stupid” matching items “joke”.
haha ha hahaaa hmmmm.
October 18, 2012 at 10:56 am
I can see your mind working, Matt, but pinecones won’t be as cooperative.
October 18, 2012 at 11:04 am
We already wear matching bramble sets.
October 18, 2012 at 11:06 am
What goes on in your tar-paper shack doesn’t count. Unless it’s a single-gear shack with wheels and a basket in the front.
October 18, 2012 at 11:10 am
It’s actually a tar-paper crawlspace. On wheels. I pull it around with a steam-calliope.
October 18, 2012 at 11:15 am
I love a good calliope but you don’t want to get a beard caught in one of those things.
October 18, 2012 at 11:19 am
I got my crocheted beard caught in it once, and “The Entertainer” started sounding like “It’s Raining Men” for some reason.
Lesson learned, is my point.
October 18, 2012 at 11:57 am
The Weather Girls forecasted this would happen.
October 18, 2012 at 12:02 pm
They were the Nostradamus of terrible music.
October 18, 2012 at 10:46 am
Aren’t there some cheap lawyers who will just divorce you for $98 instead?
October 18, 2012 at 11:29 am
My divorce actually cost only $137. No lawyers, though, just a filing fee.
October 18, 2012 at 11:33 am
Which one of you got the crocheted beard in the divorce? Or did you split it/timeshare agreement?
October 18, 2012 at 1:13 pm
No crocheted beard set, sadly . . . the height differential would have made wearing them impossible.
We did have a bit of a brawl over who got to keep the refrigerator magnets, however.
October 18, 2012 at 1:15 pm
How short was he?
October 18, 2012 at 6:09 pm
Physically or mentally?
October 18, 2012 at 1:32 pm
Hey rushgirl- I just started a music project and we’re doing a version of “Working Man”. What a fun song to play.
October 18, 2012 at 6:11 pm
That is AWESOME.
October 18, 2012 at 1:42 pm
I can understand that, refrigerator magnets are pretty awesome.
October 18, 2012 at 10:37 pm
I’ve got one of eggs and bacon I would cut a bitch to keep. (No disrespect, hypothetical bitches.)
October 18, 2012 at 11:36 am
I thumbed up your statement, not the fact that you got a divorce. Unless you’re thrilled about it, in which case I thumbed up both.
October 18, 2012 at 1:22 pm
I probably wouldn’t go so far as to say “thrilled” because my ex is actually a really great guy and an old friend of mine. We just weren’t super compatible romantically and wound up arguing a lot. So I do consider it for the best, especially now that I’m in a relationship with a guy who’s a better match for me.
October 18, 2012 at 1:24 pm
I also feel compelled to state that we do not have crocheted beards either. I have bipolar disorder and he has schizophrenia, but we’re not THAT crazy.
October 18, 2012 at 1:26 pm
It’s good that you’re still friends. Bitterness kills the soul.
October 18, 2012 at 10:50 am
These things really knock my socks off. Or my beards.
October 18, 2012 at 11:03 am
Do they have “Dork Van Dykes” for when the weather warms up?
October 18, 2012 at 11:09 am
They’re called Petjas now.
October 18, 2012 at 12:00 pm
If two of them get attached to each other by design they lose their Petja privileges. If they get tangled with each other during naughty behavior, that’s different.
October 18, 2012 at 3:59 pm
I’ll go for the naughty behavior option
October 18, 2012 at 4:39 pm
Always!
October 18, 2012 at 11:08 am
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October 18, 2012 at 12:14 pm
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October 18, 2012 at 12:16 pm
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October 18, 2012 at 12:30 pm
DownTHUMB Syndrome. That must be what you have.
October 18, 2012 at 12:40 pm
I’m working on an alchemy experiment to turn downthumbs into pure gold. Do you realize the money making potential of that much concentrated negativity? I’LL BE RICH!!!
October 18, 2012 at 12:48 pm
Say it like Chappelle.
October 18, 2012 at 4:40 pm
Git-down Syndrome!
October 18, 2012 at 6:13 pm
October 18, 2012 at 11:10 am
Did anyone happen to see the $500 Rip Van Winkle beard???? Now that thing is uber awesome…except that it costs twice as much as my first car did!!!
October 18, 2012 at 11:17 am
That truly is an odd shop – fine, hand-crafted jewelry, and knit beards. Yeah, those go together well…..hmmm…I do like the jewelry though.
October 18, 2012 at 5:34 pm
Come to mock the beards, stay to favorite the jewelry?
…Given Etsy, that could very well be a viable business plan.
October 18, 2012 at 6:04 pm
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October 19, 2012 at 5:25 am
Better than half the schlock on etsy? Yeah, sure. Not as good as the thumb guy’s stuff, but decent enough I’d buy it and give it as a gift.
October 18, 2012 at 11:18 am
Oh look! Kili and Fili!
I didn’t know they were attached, though.
October 18, 2012 at 11:49 am
Conversation starter? Because “Hi, we’re out of the institution on our day-pass” isn’t really loud enough unless you have the conjoined beard to prove it.
October 18, 2012 at 12:14 pm
Hm, that comment should have been on its own. *flies away*
October 18, 2012 at 11:39 am
I think it would be great if the tandem beard thing had a third swinging cornucopia bassinet for their baby to swing in. Just to go full-on batshit-insane with that thing.
October 18, 2012 at 11:44 am
Ooh yeah, or a realistic knitted beard for the baby! Now that would be cute.
October 18, 2012 at 11:56 am
Hanging from the center of the two dumb beards. The baby would swing in it. Total circus-family type shit. I’m not sure “bassinet” was the right word.
October 18, 2012 at 12:55 pm
You could put a beard on your baby girl, then act all offended when people assumed she was a boy. “How COULD you!!” Just the double-takes when they first noticed would be worth it…
October 18, 2012 at 1:14 pm
“How CUTE!!! What’s his name?”
“Rhonda. Asshole.”
October 18, 2012 at 6:47 pm
“Rhonda Asshole, really? What nationality is that?”
October 18, 2012 at 7:50 pm
She can always switch to her middle name later on if she doesn’t like “Rhonda”.
October 18, 2012 at 9:43 pm
That’s Rhonda Ass-wee-pay to you mister. (Please tell me I’m not the only one who remembers the SNL skit with Nick Cage deciding on baby names.)
October 18, 2012 at 6:32 pm
Only if the realistic knitted baby beard is attached to the parental beards in a three-way beard-knot.
And then the center of the beard-knot has its own, much smaller beard dangling down from the other beards.
And then it’s just fractal beards all the way down.
October 18, 2012 at 8:07 pm
beardception.
October 18, 2012 at 9:37 pm
Infinite recurlsion.
October 18, 2012 at 11:57 am
The dude looks like Hoban from Firefly.
Damn you hipsters! Every time I see that show now I am going to think of crochet peanut butter and jelly beards!
October 18, 2012 at 12:23 pm
You could use it like a hipster pick-up thing.
“Wanna… try my beard?”
Though somehow, I imagine that when the other party tries it on, it squeals, latches on like a face-hugger alien, and takes over. Suddenly you crave vinyl records and “upcycled” decorative lamps.
DON’T TRY THE BEARD. IT WILL TRANSFORM YOU.
October 18, 2012 at 2:40 pm
This would be a legitimately scary horror movie.
October 18, 2012 at 12:43 pm
I’m more of a nutella person myself.
October 18, 2012 at 1:08 pm
You could make a crocheted “Nutella-Nut Warmer” for those days when long underwear is too much, and tighty-whities aren’t enough.
October 18, 2012 at 11:11 pm
I would then wonder if there were a bra version, and, if so, whether it came in my size.
October 19, 2012 at 10:01 am
I don’t have boobs currently, but if I did, having them immersed in cups filled with Nutella might be the greatest thing ever. Or the worst. I’m not sure.
October 18, 2012 at 1:23 pm
Mmmmmm…. Nutella and banana…
October 18, 2012 at 3:21 pm
Mmmmmmmm…Nutella and anything!!!
October 18, 2012 at 3:55 pm
Their octopus ring rules the universe! I want!!
October 18, 2012 at 4:44 pm
This sandwich ingredient trend is spreading. *and, having pulled finger from hole in (van)dike, runs away to have dinner*
October 18, 2012 at 8:01 pm
I can’t believe it’s not peanut butter!
October 18, 2012 at 8:14 pm
OK, I’m back and can’t believe there aren’t any more puns for me to relish. Ketchup, you guys, or I mayo have to find some other heroes.
October 18, 2012 at 6:02 pm
I wish the moustache/beard fetish would just stop. this is so awful.
October 18, 2012 at 8:15 pm
It’s barbaric!
October 18, 2012 at 9:45 pm
We mustache them to stop!
October 18, 2012 at 10:06 pm
It’s goatse goatee!
October 18, 2012 at 10:41 pm
Shave yourselves! It’s too late for meeeeeeeeeeeee…!
October 18, 2012 at 10:52 pm
He went out in a blade of glory!
October 19, 2012 at 11:24 am
What you really need is a beard hat – which I have made for a Dallas Etsy event (although I have now and have never been an Etsy seller) – It’s itchy as hell and sure isn’t worth $98.00.
http://www.ravelry.com/projects/tejasmom/bearded-toque
October 19, 2012 at 10:05 pm
The Marketing is strong in this one.