You know what else goes together? You and fucking off.
IT’S PEANUT BUTTER JELLY TIME!
IT’S PUNCHING HIPSTERS IN THE FACE TIME!
Seriously that was my first though too. I am afraid that beards are the new moustache.
Once again this is a clever way that certain covert Etsians are waging war against the hipster onslaught. What most people don’t realize is that this fake beards are like chinese finger traps. The harder you yank on them the firmer they stay. Secondly, a large number of hipsters live in cities with subways and light rails, with doors that don’t automatically open if something is stuck in them. So, eventually the time will come when he gets on the subway, and the door closes behind him. She’ll be standing on the platform with the realization of what is about to happen. There be a few seconds in which they desperately try to yank off the beards with no avail. Then the train leaves the station and there is one less hipster couple.
Etsy has binders full of Hipsters
Yeah but the retro self-stick daisies on ‘em HAVE GOT TO GO!
PEANUT BUTTER JELLY! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY! PEANUT BUTTER JELLY WITH A BASEBALL BAT!
Damn, meant to add…BRING ON THE BASEBALL BAT!!!!
They are each other’s Beard.
Ah, mutual bearding. An old Hollywood tradition.
what’s the opposite of a beard? a skirt? a bow? is there even a term?
oh, nevermind. it’s a merkin.
Perfect for those so insecure they need to be tethered to the other person in their life. :/
Pedobear likes wraps!
If I wanted to wear this AND managed to find someone willing to do the same I would NEVER leave them. Because that person would be my one option in life.
This is why the terrorists hate us.
I wouldn’t be so blow-things-uppy if you people would stop committing affronts against God and Nature with your knitting needles, hot glue guns, bedazzlers and other Tools of Satan!
- Ayatollayaso Krimminy
sheesh! Are you still mad because I thought the Kaaba would look better with sequins all over it?
I said I was sorry already!
Wait, Sheesh Kaaba? *detonates underwear bomb*
Underwear bomb? Is that a fart euphemism?
*is 12 again*
It was, cuz I’m a passgasist. *sees your 12 and lowers you 2*
Your explanation stinks to high heaven. Is it a fart euphemism ?- well it Depends and don’t Pamper me with fake kissies and Huggies
I bet you anything that those two fought over who would be “jelly” and who would be “peanut butter”.
I will lay down cash money.
“C’monnnnnn! I wanna be peanut butter! You ALWAYS get to be peanut butter!”
But the peanut butter goes better with my hair, jelly with yours…. I’ve got the color and skin tone for it
“The jelly goes with your Cosmopolitan. The peanut butter goes with my microbrew.”
“Legume, this is my beard.”
“Why must you be so jarring?”
You must be Jelly cause peanut butter don’t shake like that!! (cue mammary motorboat)
A couple of Schmuckers?!
I wonder if they’ll wear this when they apply for a home equity loan or child adoption?
I wonder if they would wear it in public. Like into a convenience store. Oh hello Officer! A stick up? Why no.
Now I’m imagining the robbery scene from Pulp Fiction, only the couple is wearing this.
One can only hope.
I think it certainly would help push your application along at Ringling Bros.
I thought the expression was “attached at the hip”
I thought it was “mad as a hatter”, but apparently it’s “nutty as a two person beard”
“Nutty as a peanut butter beard”?
Attached at the hipster accessory?
This is not the way human exchange genetic material.
In any case – GET A ROOM.
“We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I’d like to hear it.”
Uploaded with ImageShack.usI think I’ll just put this here
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
She almost looks man enough to have her own. Why would she need a fake?
OBadPixie is right.
Thank you welcomerain. She just lacks a feminine ‘look’ and the knitted beard doesn’t exactly help.
Enough with the body shaming already! She’s a beautiful woman.
I agree. At least when I’m out walking around in one of these Welcomerain and OBP won’t be able to identify me and comment directly on my…unfemininity.
“Unfeminine hag, get thee to a binder!”
I don’t know about that. Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes all the way to the bone.
Go away, please.
What good will that do? I can depart, but the reality will remain.
I miss our old trolls, who were funnier when they called us FJLs.
Finish 10th grade first and then come back?
TROLL HARD WITH A VENGEANCE!
TROLL HARD WITH A VENGEANCE II – Electric Boogaloo
Why must these women challenge my stereotypes by not sculpting their eyebrows and wearing make-up like the girls in the magazines do? I bet she hasn’t even bleached her no-no zone!
What a Great Screen name – “nonozone”…wish I’d thought of that!
I’m honored and giving myself thumbs up for FINALLY having something clever be used by the all powerful zippy. I am telling myself he got it from me the other day during that whole peacock feather pointing to the no-no zone madness. Can I have this one? My self respect depends on this…
It was yours and it is a good one! And now it belongs to all of us, as is the Regretsy Way. Hear that, Copyin & Pastin? WE OWN IT!
I’m subletting my share of it already. It’s a moneymaker for sure!
thank you, jesus. i will be posting it for sale on etsy. and reselling and reselling and reselling it… (or is this what someone else should be commenting… ) no-no zones running amok amok amok!!!
I launched an IPO of my share and the NASDAQ went crazy! Then, I was over-leveraged and lost my rights to say “no-no” in any context. This will not end well for me.
ohhhh, I hate when that happens…
I’m getting cease and desist letters from etsy…. that’s funny, that’s not like them?
you said no-no zone!
Don’t ever confuse no-no zone with non-ozone or the icecaps will melt.
I didn’t think she was unfeminine. But I might have been distracted by the magnificently manly bosom.
Wow, an off the cuff comment and look where it all went from there. Name calling, accusations of immaturity, snap judgements and plain crap galore. Oh wait… I am the one supposed to be all of these things as I see here, yet a lot of you are doing just the same…
Hey Pot meet Kettle. Nice to know the crowd you run with, eh?
For squarepegs clarification- no I am not the same as welcomerain. Don’t know that I have ever replied to their comments before or who they are to the point of if it is a male or female poster. Like others have said, who has time to have multiple accounts and switch back and forth?
Carry on then and continue with the bashing, name calling and other fuckery as you will. Gawd knows you don’t need me to start things and incite a witch hunt.
Yeah, you can see SO much of her face, what with the fake beard and the shitty camera angle. Enough to body shame and be an asshat.
I love the word asshat. Same with buttmuncher and fartknocker.
My personal favorites are douchenozzle and douchecanoe.
I love fuckstick and witwicky, along with the aforementioned designations.
I like cuntwart as well. But douchecanoe really, REALLY works in so many situations.
I like it too.
Actually, the comment you’re replying to said nothing about her body. But heaven help us if someone doesn’t find someone else attractive! Then the comment squad has to come out and start calling people names.
Is face shaming a thing? Because I assumed that her face was attached to her entire body. @@
Yeah, they didn’t mention her face, either. Pretty weak.
Then WTF were they basing their bashing on??? Substantiate your point. Duh.
How about you substantiate your accusations of “shaming” before you start calling people “asshats?”
Are you attracted to everything you see? Does every person on earth appeal to you? No? I guess that makes you an asshat then. And unless you find every single body type attractive, you’re a body shamer too.
Um – not being attracted to people and calling a woman a MAN are two completely different things. If I’m not attracted, I’m just not attracted. I don’t judge someone based on their looks, and I don’t call a woman a man, or fat, or ugly. THAT’S body shaming. HUGE fucking difference.
Tells you what you need to know about the women here, though.
If you don’t like us, then get the fuck out, troll.
Awwww, you’re less ugly when you’re angry.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, BE FUNNIER!!!!
Or just be funny AT ALL
I know I’m new here, but am I the only person who feels like OBadPixie and welcomerian might be the same person?
Yes because two people can’t possibly have a different opinion than yours.
Cows do gather in herds.
Our old trolls would remember a lot of us aren’t female.
Don’t know… have we ever seen them together in the same room?
I’m running about 10 identities here so don’t piss me,me,me,me,me,me and the rest of me off.
It’s dangerous Dark magic to make that many Horcruxes!
I’m not a Hor! I’m just really easy! And could use a few bucks. And you going finish all those drugs?
all that logging in and logging out and switching… ugh, who has the time?
You can have at least 3 going at once, on different browsers….Firefox, IE, Chrome….oh, uh, how do I know? A friend told me once. Oh, look at the time!
My Netscape identity recently fell down and can’t get up, so he’s been relegated to AOL discussions about kids on porches, etc.
If you send your firefox on safari to wipe out that troll who keeps appearing in this post, I’ll give you a shiny chrome mosaic I’ve been making.
But trolls are fun! This one isn’t particularly sharp OR funny either, so it’s almost too easy. But ya know. It ups the post counts on the thread for Crochet…….
Awesome! I’ve been looking for AGES for a warmer to fit my Dickie.
Go to Alaska where at the local conveniance store you will find a Pecker Parka!
You find me a guy that would fill that out and I’ll give you a 10% cut of my management fees off his lucrative porn career.
I believe most men armed with plenty of porn and a strong arm *could* eventually fill that, but probably not in the way you were thinking…
This would almost make a nice cornocopia, fall centerpiece decoration for the Thanksgiving table. Almost.
Then again stuffing either end with colorful fake leaves, still wouldn’t make it worth that price. At least not to me anyways.
It sure looks dandy stuffed with hipsters.
I’d stitch green jingle-bells all over it and wear it for Mardi Gras.
Yes! Reference my favorite seasonal poem of all time:
I want to be videoing them when they’ve had these on for long enough to forget about having them on, and then they walk around a pole or a tree – on opposite sides.
Depending on how these are attached, it could be hilarity or a trip to the ER – but in any case, I’m getting the prize on America’s Funniest Home Videos (unless “Football in the Groin” is a contender)
It appears they are attached via yarn loops around the ears, which should sting mightly when they hit a tree.
The loops are just to hold it up. Looking at the other pics, it actually goes around the back of the neck. I’m guessing you pull it on like a cowl. So, with that in mind, Princess Buzzkill could get a stellar vid!
That was the first thing I thought of…I love my husband and all, but the whole thing looks terribly awkward. First time I got caught on something would be the end of it….
That looks like Super Chunky yarn.
Tge only thing that shocks me about this is the price. $98? Seriously?
You can’t put a price on awesome.
I wanna throw a bucket of hershey’s Syrup on them PETA style and yell “You just got Reese’d”
I really want to smoosh their heads together between two slices of bread.
Then chop them in half diagonally.
I don’t think I want to go for a ride on that jelly roll.
Hipster gals who want to smooch a beard can just get a hipster boy with an actual beard.
Hipsters boys who want to smooch a beard can contact me.
This here, though, is just silly. The whole knit beards thing is meh.
This is handy! If I grab the joined par, I can pull them off and make two hipsters cry at the same time!
I was gonna say- this thing’s way below par.
and as the saying goes, Every time a hipster cries a micro brew goes flat.
Is anyone else reminded of the evil Siamese twins from the Dr. Seuss movie, “The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T”? Just me?
Yes! I was just thinking of this!
I was reminded of Thompson and Thomson in on of the Tintin books where their beards do something similar. It bothered me then and it bothers me now!
5000 Fingers is my FAVORITE movie of all time. I finally found a DVD of it.
Remember that this scene went badly for the twins when Bart cut their beards apart. They lost all strength and collapsed. Think it would happen to the hipsters?
They would be unable to glue birds on things (the great hipster art form) and move away from Portland in disgrace.
I didn’t know this existed! This must have come out when I was a child-free young adult and avoided any entertainment made for people under 17.
It is a trip and a half. I haven’t seen it in years, but it seriously creeped me out as a kid. I highly recommend it.
What could be better than live-action Dr. Seuss?
And there is a lovely topical note that Dr. T keeps Bart’s mom in her Lock-Me-Tight at night to keep her safe. Sort of a fifties chiffon version of Women in Binders…..
Ahh, I was just going to post this, but you beat me.
It’s never just you.
ZZ Top, no?
Hello – despite the fact that we are dressed up as members of the Lakers fan club – Mines of Moria chapter – we still feel entitled to wear these incredibly smug expressions on our faces.
Nah, it’s not grape….
I disagree with you on two levels: a. a goober is a peanut and b. she’s clearly grape.
Sorry – I was referencing Goober Grape – the peanut butter and grape jelly swirled in a jar?? I thought the beard looked like strawberry. lol
I thought Goobers were chocolate covered peanuts…
I’ve heard that every time two angels disagree, a third angel gets its wings.
And’s is a cute angel.
Finally, something to dislike even more than that repulsive $6 t-shirt guy with the creepy beard over on the ad column!
His shirts rock though!!
Say what you want about the beard, but that is the best You-have-died-of-dysentery face I have ever seen.
I kind of love this.. don’t hate me!
If it lived up to its flavors theme and the colors swirled together like that Smuckers product I might hate it less.
But swirling would require more time spent on craft skills and less on hipstering.
Wouldn’t you have to get a tandem ironic-one-speed bike to cruise around and show all your crappy friends, though? Seems like you’d need a whole lot of gear to facilitate this stupid thing.
I believe you’ve identified the hipster’s consumerist crux—needing a lot of (stupid, ironic and really expensive) stuff.
I live in Austin and let me tell you… A tandem ironic one-speed is nothing.
I’m betting I’ll see this on a couple on a tandem unicycle– don’t ask me how it works– I don’t know but I’ve seen them. And of course, they’ll be blocking me in traffic.
I will carry a long hooked device in my car to use to yank upon the attached part and then I will laugh.
I lived there too, and I don’t doubt you.
$50 says I see a couple wearing this beard eating at some food trailer with an asinine name near South Congress within a month.
One just opened with the word “Nom-Rockin’” in the name and I think that’s the most likely candidate.
If I don’t see someone(s) wearing this on the Portlandia TV show in the next few months I will lose all respect for their research team.
It’s like Austin & Portland are twins separated at birth.
But still conjoined at the fuckery.
South Congress really started getting lame/hipsterish right when I moved to Louisiana, luckily. I lived on E.39th, sort of near the Fiesta, and the East Side was just starting to become the hip “artsy” neighborhood. I worked at a metal studio right near Blue Genie.
I live at the building on W. 4th and Nueces right in the heart of downtown. Fortunately I’m shielded from the majority of the hipsters unless I go to the Whole Foods but I still get some jackass on a tall bike or a mountain-man-esque 20-year-old riding in a Model T-shaped bicycle shell made of upcycled plastic or something else mind-numbingly stupid.
Now that I think about it I feel like Austin would be a great place for a Regretsy meetup actually. There’s just so much whimsicle fuckery to go around these days.
If Austin gets a meet-up before Portland I will come down there and MESS WITH TEXAS, YA’LL 10-GALLON ASSHATS!
And if Portland gets one before SF does I will come up there and take a bird OFF it!
I have to admit you’ve got pluck, Mel.
Molt-o gentile, te.
This appears to be the new “I’m With Stupid” matching items “joke”.
haha ha hahaaa hmmmm.
I can see your mind working, Matt, but pinecones won’t be as cooperative.
We already wear matching bramble sets.
What goes on in your tar-paper shack doesn’t count. Unless it’s a single-gear shack with wheels and a basket in the front.
It’s actually a tar-paper crawlspace. On wheels. I pull it around with a steam-calliope.
I love a good calliope but you don’t want to get a beard caught in one of those things.
I got my crocheted beard caught in it once, and “The Entertainer” started sounding like “It’s Raining Men” for some reason.
Lesson learned, is my point.
The Weather Girls forecasted this would happen.
They were the Nostradamus of terrible music.
Aren’t there some cheap lawyers who will just divorce you for $98 instead?
My divorce actually cost only $137. No lawyers, though, just a filing fee.
Which one of you got the crocheted beard in the divorce? Or did you split it/timeshare agreement?
No crocheted beard set, sadly . . . the height differential would have made wearing them impossible.
We did have a bit of a brawl over who got to keep the refrigerator magnets, however.
How short was he?
Physically or mentally?
Hey rushgirl- I just started a music project and we’re doing a version of “Working Man”. What a fun song to play.
That is AWESOME.
I can understand that, refrigerator magnets are pretty awesome.
I’ve got one of eggs and bacon I would cut a bitch to keep. (No disrespect, hypothetical bitches.)
I thumbed up your statement, not the fact that you got a divorce. Unless you’re thrilled about it, in which case I thumbed up both.
I probably wouldn’t go so far as to say “thrilled” because my ex is actually a really great guy and an old friend of mine. We just weren’t super compatible romantically and wound up arguing a lot. So I do consider it for the best, especially now that I’m in a relationship with a guy who’s a better match for me.
I also feel compelled to state that we do not have crocheted beards either. I have bipolar disorder and he has schizophrenia, but we’re not THAT crazy.
It’s good that you’re still friends. Bitterness kills the soul.
These things really knock my socks off. Or my beards.
Do they have “Dork Van Dykes” for when the weather warms up?
They’re called Petjas now.
If two of them get attached to each other by design they lose their Petja privileges. If they get tangled with each other during naughty behavior, that’s different.
I’ll go for the naughty behavior option
“Serves as a great conversation starter.”
“Excuse me- I don’t mean to pry, but do you have Down Syndrome?”
“No! We just want to ironically look like we MAY have it.”
And, Down Syndrome once again.
DownTHUMB Syndrome. That must be what you have.
I’m working on an alchemy experiment to turn downthumbs into pure gold. Do you realize the money making potential of that much concentrated negativity? I’LL BE RICH!!!
Say it like Chappelle.
Did anyone happen to see the $500 Rip Van Winkle beard???? Now that thing is uber awesome…except that it costs twice as much as my first car did!!!
That truly is an odd shop – fine, hand-crafted jewelry, and knit beards. Yeah, those go together well…..hmmm…I do like the jewelry though.
Come to mock the beards, stay to favorite the jewelry?
…Given Etsy, that could very well be a viable business plan.
you call that shit ‘fine’?
Better than half the schlock on etsy? Yeah, sure. Not as good as the thumb guy’s stuff, but decent enough I’d buy it and give it as a gift.
Oh look! Kili and Fili!
I didn’t know they were attached, though.
Conversation starter? Because “Hi, we’re out of the institution on our day-pass” isn’t really loud enough unless you have the conjoined beard to prove it.
Hm, that comment should have been on its own. *flies away*
I think it would be great if the tandem beard thing had a third swinging cornucopia bassinet for their baby to swing in. Just to go full-on batshit-insane with that thing.
Ooh yeah, or a realistic knitted beard for the baby! Now that would be cute.
Hanging from the center of the two dumb beards. The baby would swing in it. Total circus-family type shit. I’m not sure “bassinet” was the right word.
You could put a beard on your baby girl, then act all offended when people assumed she was a boy. “How COULD you!!” Just the double-takes when they first noticed would be worth it…
“How CUTE!!! What’s his name?”
“Rhonda Asshole, really? What nationality is that?”
She can always switch to her middle name later on if she doesn’t like “Rhonda”.
That’s Rhonda Ass-wee-pay to you mister. (Please tell me I’m not the only one who remembers the SNL skit with Nick Cage deciding on baby names.)
Only if the realistic knitted baby beard is attached to the parental beards in a three-way beard-knot.
And then the center of the beard-knot has its own, much smaller beard dangling down from the other beards.
And then it’s just fractal beards all the way down.
The dude looks like Hoban from Firefly.
Damn you hipsters! Every time I see that show now I am going to think of crochet peanut butter and jelly beards!
You could use it like a hipster pick-up thing.
“Wanna… try my beard?”
Though somehow, I imagine that when the other party tries it on, it squeals, latches on like a face-hugger alien, and takes over. Suddenly you crave vinyl records and “upcycled” decorative lamps.
DON’T TRY THE BEARD. IT WILL TRANSFORM YOU.
This would be a legitimately scary horror movie.
I’m more of a nutella person myself.
You could make a crocheted “Nutella-Nut Warmer” for those days when long underwear is too much, and tighty-whities aren’t enough.
I would then wonder if there were a bra version, and, if so, whether it came in my size.
I don’t have boobs currently, but if I did, having them immersed in cups filled with Nutella might be the greatest thing ever. Or the worst. I’m not sure.
Mmmmmm…. Nutella and banana…
Mmmmmmmm…Nutella and anything!!!
Their octopus ring rules the universe! I want!!
This sandwich ingredient trend is spreading. *and, having pulled finger from hole in (van)dike, runs away to have dinner*
I can’t believe it’s not peanut butter!
OK, I’m back and can’t believe there aren’t any more puns for me to relish. Ketchup, you guys, or I mayo have to find some other heroes.
I wish the moustache/beard fetish would just stop. this is so awful.
We mustache them to stop!
It’s goatse goatee!
Shave yourselves! It’s too late for meeeeeeeeeeeee…!
He went out in a blade of glory!
What you really need is a beard hat – which I have made for a Dallas Etsy event (although I have now and have never been an Etsy seller) – It’s itchy as hell and sure isn’t worth $98.00.
The Marketing is strong in this one.
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