The only way a duck is getting into my house is in a white paper carton from Madame Wu’s.
Is the neon thing still going? My god, if you’re going to make a duck wear a harness, at least let the poor thing be fashionable.
Obviously, it’s the latest in poulty humiliation wear.
First I thought it was like, cool, an egg Snuggie for a mother ducker. Then I was all like, “Duckn’ A, Mister Duck is into the kink”
Obviously, the above crafter is a NOOB.
That’s just fowl.
Looks like your duck’s already got one!
That’s right! Keeps things from getting fowl around here.
That bird must be worthy of a lot of Luvs to be this Pampered.
I’ll bet such a pet Depends on lots of Huggies.
It’s like Borat at the Beach.
EXACTLY! I said to The Fella, “Fuck! It’s Borat The Duck!”
But much sexier.
At last, I can participate in national bring your waterfowl to work day!
This just looks cruel. These damn people and their need to make things into pets…
I’m glad I read “Make Way for Ducklings” back before these things were invented.
I don’t see neon green OR purple in the fabric choices. Damn, guess my chicken will have to stay naked.
Hey, “Gleaming Gold”…!
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
This is what I see:
And then you take the diaper off the duck, and … eewww. I know birds groom themselves, but can they clean up the consequences of this thing?
If I ever express the need to consult a duck-diaper sizing chart, someone here please be so kind as to send a bullet through my temple, as I clearly have lost any sense of rational thought.
Duck Duck Noose
That’s stuck in my head and keeps making me laugh. I really wish I had more thumbs for you, vicogin. Too bad I’ve got but one thumb to give.
I wish we could barter for extra thumbs with people who aren’t using them- kind of like “carbon offsets” that corporations trade with each other.
I just have my Chinese collective all log on and give thumbs up. In the proudest tradition of American Hand-Made!
Maybe we could outsource an Upthumb Call Center in India. Vishnu’s got a shitload of thumbs.
I’m sure there’d be loads of takers if you posted it as a job on Elance or ODesk.
Never mind. Fail. And Thinger beat me to it anyway.
I can honestly say that this is the first time I’ve ever seen a humiliated duck.
If I were that duck, I’d be PRAYING for the sweet release a wok would bring me.
I didn’t think keeping birds in captivity could be any more disgusting than it already was, but once again, Etsy proved me wrong! Barf.
Whoever downthumbed me obviously never had a grandfather who kept every bird known to man in and around his property. There were so many birds, in fact, that the neighbors made a formal complaint about the smell and the city gave him the option to either get rid of the birds or vacate the premises. Well, Grandpa loved his birds more than his own family, so when he didn’t comply, they evicted him from his home of many years and he moved to the country, birds and all. The funny part is that they all flew away and never returned. THE END
I’m not a bird hater. I just think it’s cruel (not to mention unsanitary) to keep them as pets.
Indeed. Birds need so much more space than we can give them, and their personalities are too intense for most humans. I’m a confident animal-rescue hand with anything that has fur, but even a budgie or a street pigeon will show me my limits.
I can’t stand birds as pets. They’re just so… Reptilian. Which is odd because I love my snakes. I’d rather curl up with a corn snake than a duck. And don’t get me started on Emus. They’re just a few evolutionary steps away from velociraptors. No. Thank. You.
A lot of pet ducks are saved from being food ducks – i.e. fattened and then painfully murdered just so that people can have the luxury (because it isn’t a necessity) of eating ducks. Which is a better life? And it’s no more unsanitary than a baby human not knowing how to use the toilet…
That’s a real “What the duck?” expression on the poor bird’s face.
“If You Give A Duck A Harness” – the sequel to “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie”
“Dookie- The Duck That Took On Manhattan”
I’m picturing all sorts of “adventures of Dookie” books.
“Dookie and the Mysterious Smell”
“Dookie Meets Captain Underpants and Goes On a Journey of Discovery”
“Dookie Reads from the Standard Book of British Birds”
(the one without the nuthatch)
“Dookie sees himself in a mirror wearing his diaper and does a swan dive into a pot of boiling water “
And the sequel, “Dookie Served Over Rice”
“The Adventures of Diaper Duck and His Pu Pu Platter”
Oh so this is why it’s called pu pu platter. The things you leatn on Regretsy.
If you give a duck a harness –
honestly, i would so buy one of these.. in a less startling color :3 I would LOVE to have a chicken or a duck wander about my house like clucking/quacking kittens. only thing thats held me back besides being an adult and having to adhere to common sense, is that they shit everywhere.
One step closer to my dream!
Think a fork in the ear will cure that pesky other problem?
I am not lying when I say a friend of mine had a little hen of some kind that was housetrained. Clucky would go to the sliding glass door, peck on it a few times to be let in or out. She always did her business outside.
Obviously she was mortified to come home one day to a chicken dinner and Clucky was the one on the plate… Her boyfriend was kicked to the curb after that.
Get back to me when you’ve invented a snake diaper. Condoms work until they’re full, then they slide off. Of course, the only worse deal-breaker for ladies I bring home than finding a “used” condom on the couch is an “unexpected” python.
“Unexpected Python” would be a pretty killer band name, by the way.
“Snake in the Grass” would be their first single.
And telling them “No, no, it was for my anaconda” doesn’t clear things up?
You’d think it would but…
And they laughed even harder when I tried to explain “But it’s for Stubby!!”.
You are talking about an actual snake, right?
It’s always a toss up with these two, but I’d bet not.
I don’t even know anymore.
I’ve given up on applying logic to anything I do or say.
Some days I only check the comments to see what Matt and Zippy say.
That’s that awesomest thing anyone’s ever said ever.
NO ONE expects a Python in a condom!
Thank God for duck diapers.
There is nothing that I hate more than a naked birds running all over the place.
I do like it when they turn up in shoes
even Donald Duck never wore diapers, let alone pants/ trousers.
Mark my words, that will become a hot button issue in the last weeks leading up to the election.
My search is over! Finally a shop that sell chicken shoes! Goodbye to all those “fowl” blisters my chicks get from walking over scratch all day!
There is actually a market for chicken diapers – I know, I make them. People who raise chickens like to keep them on hand for taking the birds to the vet, or if they need to stay inside for whatever reason – if they get sick, the coyotes are out, blizzard, etc.
Yeah, who knew, right? I tell people that I make them and they laugh, but they are simple to sew, and there’s almost no overhead, so its all profit. Except mine are low-profile and won’t make your bird look like a day-glo lumberjack.
But the only thing I let into my house wearing diapers is my baby. And even she’s pushing her luck.
Are they single use, or do people put them in the washing machine (hopefully not along with the people laundry)?
They’re made from cotton knit fabric, so they are washable. I don’t know how people do their laundry, but if it were me, I’d hit it with a high-pressure hose, then let it soak in a bucket of hot water with bleach or soap. It’ll fit a small maxi pad inside, that’s an option, too. I’ve never used them, so I’m not the best spokesperson for my product.
I don’t have any chickens myself, but I do help my elderly neighbor take care of his. I got started making them for a friend who keeps a Malaysian chicken that can’t be in temperatures under 40 degrees, so they spend all winter inside. (Quite the commitment, eh?) She tells me they’re the best out there, though.
Kind of an odd market, but I don’t know why I’d be surprised that I’m doing something odd.
There are times when I could see the use for a chicken diaper. I had a hen pecked pretty badly – after it began healing, it would have been nice to have her in diapers rather than in a rabbit cage. Less smelly, more freedom for her.
Now my hens get aprons, so there’s not the same pecking problem.
So, I’m guilty of chicken clothing, I guess.
I refuse to waste moments of my precious, finite life changing chicken diapers. Although obviously, I will spend moments of my precious, finite life writing about chicken diapers.
That’s different. It’s for posterity.
Posterior, posterity … with a duck diaper, you have the choice.
At the Renfaire there’s always Mother Goose there with her flock, all wearing little diapers and aprons. So she can sit with them and cuddle them. It’s one of my favorite parts of going to the faire.
If i had a house duck, I’m pretty sure I’d rather clean the shit off the floor than from that. show me the duck litter box and may be more interested . . .
you really really wouldn’t, the amount of shit a duck can generate you’d think it had a senate job
No you don’t. Birds shit like every 20 minutes, and that stuff is really foul and eats the finish off of just about anything.
Birds have a waste disposal system that dumps the piss and shit into a single opening. Said opening does not have a strong sphincter muscle, so it all comes out as it’s produced. They physically can’t hold it.
Some mammals use urine and feces as communication tools and to mark territory, so they have to store and save them up until they get to the spot they want to mark. That’s why some can be housetrained. They know they have to go, so they hold it until they can get to the right spot.
Thank a quirk of evolutionary behavior for the fact that we’re not wearing diapers our whole lives or running to the bathroom every 15 minutes.
who the fuck has a house duck!? anyway?
I have 2 house chickens. They live in our tile great room and are pretty good about pooping on the newspaper I lay out every morning. One of them is in love with my cat and follows her around all day, even snuggling with her when it’s cold. And yes, I’m a weirdo…=)
Urban poultry keeping is a current trend, actually (google it). I’ll stick to my (white) rats …
I would keep chickens, but there’s a city ordinance prohibiting it. The concept of fresh eggs every day is really tempting.
You can keep Serama chickens. They aren’t considered (by the law) to be a “true” chicken – although they are. They are very small and have charming personalities..The eggs are small, but delicious. You can have them anywhere you can have a parrot or other typical pet bird.
These comments about the Serama Chickens piqued my interest-subsequent research turned up “Serama Chicken Breeding Tips” – what an unexpected surprise – anyone interested in poultry or “Engrish” or chicken “puppies” should check it out.
Got those too! They’re so cute and cuddly!!!
You’re a poet and didn’t know it.
Do leash laws apply to ducks?
I sure hope they apply to geese, they can put up a terrible fight – actually, the HR department at the university here used to be guarded by a group of geese at night, no burglar ever came close.
Swans are also vicious as hell.
I have a friend who lived in Thailand and he said people kept geese as protection against cobras. Not so much to kill the snake but to put up a huge racket when one came into your yard. Dogs were stupid enough to try to fight the snake but geese are smart enough just to let everyone know one is in the area and stay back.
A friend of mine had some kind of geese and yes, they guard things well. Much better than dogs, IMO.
My aunt has two guard geese, Gerald and Irene. The local louts stay well away. Nobody could get close enough to those geese to put a nappy on them.
I went to a lake yesterday to eat my lunch. Wandering near the picnic table was Mother Black Swan and five cygnets. I stayed in the car because a swan is nearly as vicious as a goose, though more decorative.
Now I’m remembering Marx Brothers: “Why a duck and why-a no chicken?”
The duck is plotting revenge. Beware the duck.
Your bill is coming due!
Just pay it on the web.
I’m down with that.
You could always take a gander at some other ways to pay, as well.
But beware of quack accountants!
But I know what you’re thinking- “Why the flock would I pay any other way?”
You’d have to be a featherbrain.
Or gaggling mad.
Or just plane flighty.
Now I have a migrate headache.
I once had the idea of getting a duck, keeping it in the yard with a kiddie pool… Up until I took care of he neighbors ducks and chickes for her for a week.
No matter how many times I cleaned or dumped and refilled their water tubs and small pool- every time I went out there, it was a NASTY, disgusting mess, filled with crap. Cured me of wanting a duck as a pet.
And along comes this… Nope. Still don’t want any pet ducks.
But I can still see all the stone/concrete garden ducks in the neighborhood deserving diaper harnesses. Then all the gnomes get the bondage equipment instead.
I met a couple at a party who told me how they used to diaper their dog, but diaper rash became a problem.
People are weird.
A friend of mine had to diaper his mini pincher. The dog had seizures and would lose control of his bowels. But they just used premie diapers.
My mom used to diaper our dachshund when she was in heat. She got her first heat before we had a chance to get her spayed so my mom cut a tail hole in baby diapers and diapered her to keep her from spotting up the house.
They are commonly used (disposable or cloth) for puppies, female dogs in heat, or those with control issues. I’m not sure if they are actually called diapers, but call them Pooty Pants.
I’ve heard of duck and cover, but never cover a duck.
I had a high school friend who, for a time, had two pet ducks named Function and Gullible. (Don’t ask me; it was the late ’60s.) He marched them on leashes in the small town 4th of July parade, with flags painted on their wings.
I think they became dinner shortly thereafter, if his mother had anything to say about the matter. But the reaction of townspeople to his ducks on leashes is something I never will forget, fortunately.
BaQuack Obama does not approve of this shit.
I wonder if creepy naked duck loving clown man knows about these?
The lady who makes these is one crazy chick.
I think we’ve found the Etsy shop run by Helen’s clown friend…
Hilarious! I went to college with this chick!
It’s a crazy quacked up world we live in!
I almost needed a diaper harness when I read your commentary!!
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