If I ever express the need to consult a duck-diaper sizing chart, someone here please be so kind as to send a bullet through my temple, as I clearly have lost any sense of rational thought.
Whoever downthumbed me obviously never had a grandfather who kept every bird known to man in and around his property. There were so many birds, in fact, that the neighbors made a formal complaint about the smell and the city gave him the option to either get rid of the birds or vacate the premises. Well, Grandpa loved his birds more than his own family, so when he didn’t comply, they evicted him from his home of many years and he moved to the country, birds and all. The funny part is that they all flew away and never returned. THE END
Indeed. Birds need so much more space than we can give them, and their personalities are too intense for most humans. I’m a confident animal-rescue hand with anything that has fur, but even a budgie or a street pigeon will show me my limits.
I can’t stand birds as pets. They’re just so… Reptilian. Which is odd because I love my snakes. I’d rather curl up with a corn snake than a duck. And don’t get me started on Emus. They’re just a few evolutionary steps away from velociraptors. No. Thank. You.
A lot of pet ducks are saved from being food ducks – i.e. fattened and then painfully murdered just so that people can have the luxury (because it isn’t a necessity) of eating ducks. Which is a better life? And it’s no more unsanitary than a baby human not knowing how to use the toilet…
honestly, i would so buy one of these.. in a less startling color :3 I would LOVE to have a chicken or a duck wander about my house like clucking/quacking kittens. only thing thats held me back besides being an adult and having to adhere to common sense, is that they shit everywhere.
One step closer to my dream!
Think a fork in the ear will cure that pesky other problem?
I am not lying when I say a friend of mine had a little hen of some kind that was housetrained. Clucky would go to the sliding glass door, peck on it a few times to be let in or out. She always did her business outside.
Obviously she was mortified to come home one day to a chicken dinner and Clucky was the one on the plate… Her boyfriend was kicked to the curb after that.
Get back to me when you’ve invented a snake diaper. Condoms work until they’re full, then they slide off. Of course, the only worse deal-breaker for ladies I bring home than finding a “used” condom on the couch is an “unexpected” python.
There is actually a market for chicken diapers – I know, I make them. People who raise chickens like to keep them on hand for taking the birds to the vet, or if they need to stay inside for whatever reason – if they get sick, the coyotes are out, blizzard, etc.
Yeah, who knew, right? I tell people that I make them and they laugh, but they are simple to sew, and there’s almost no overhead, so its all profit. Except mine are low-profile and won’t make your bird look like a day-glo lumberjack.
They’re made from cotton knit fabric, so they are washable. I don’t know how people do their laundry, but if it were me, I’d hit it with a high-pressure hose, then let it soak in a bucket of hot water with bleach or soap. It’ll fit a small maxi pad inside, that’s an option, too. I’ve never used them, so I’m not the best spokesperson for my product.
I don’t have any chickens myself, but I do help my elderly neighbor take care of his. I got started making them for a friend who keeps a Malaysian chicken that can’t be in temperatures under 40 degrees, so they spend all winter inside. (Quite the commitment, eh?) She tells me they’re the best out there, though.
Kind of an odd market, but I don’t know why I’d be surprised that I’m doing something odd.
There are times when I could see the use for a chicken diaper. I had a hen pecked pretty badly – after it began healing, it would have been nice to have her in diapers rather than in a rabbit cage. Less smelly, more freedom for her.
Now my hens get aprons, so there’s not the same pecking problem.
I refuse to waste moments of my precious, finite life changing chicken diapers. Although obviously, I will spend moments of my precious, finite life writing about chicken diapers.
At the Renfaire there’s always Mother Goose there with her flock, all wearing little diapers and aprons. So she can sit with them and cuddle them. It’s one of my favorite parts of going to the faire.
If i had a house duck, I’m pretty sure I’d rather clean the shit off the floor than from that. show me the duck litter box and may be more interested . . .
Birds have a waste disposal system that dumps the piss and shit into a single opening. Said opening does not have a strong sphincter muscle, so it all comes out as it’s produced. They physically can’t hold it.
Some mammals use urine and feces as communication tools and to mark territory, so they have to store and save them up until they get to the spot they want to mark. That’s why some can be housetrained. They know they have to go, so they hold it until they can get to the right spot.
Thank a quirk of evolutionary behavior for the fact that we’re not wearing diapers our whole lives or running to the bathroom every 15 minutes.
I have 2 house chickens. They live in our tile great room and are pretty good about pooping on the newspaper I lay out every morning. One of them is in love with my cat and follows her around all day, even snuggling with her when it’s cold. And yes, I’m a weirdo…=)
You can keep Serama chickens. They aren’t considered (by the law) to be a “true” chicken – although they are. They are very small and have charming personalities..The eggs are small, but delicious. You can have them anywhere you can have a parrot or other typical pet bird.
These comments about the Serama Chickens piqued my interest-subsequent research turned up “Serama Chicken Breeding Tips” – what an unexpected surprise – anyone interested in poultry or “Engrish” or chicken “puppies” should check it out.
I sure hope they apply to geese, they can put up a terrible fight – actually, the HR department at the university here used to be guarded by a group of geese at night, no burglar ever came close.
I have a friend who lived in Thailand and he said people kept geese as protection against cobras. Not so much to kill the snake but to put up a huge racket when one came into your yard. Dogs were stupid enough to try to fight the snake but geese are smart enough just to let everyone know one is in the area and stay back.
My aunt has two guard geese, Gerald and Irene. The local louts stay well away. Nobody could get close enough to those geese to put a nappy on them.
I went to a lake yesterday to eat my lunch. Wandering near the picnic table was Mother Black Swan and five cygnets. I stayed in the car because a swan is nearly as vicious as a goose, though more decorative.
I once had the idea of getting a duck, keeping it in the yard with a kiddie pool… Up until I took care of he neighbors ducks and chickes for her for a week.
No matter how many times I cleaned or dumped and refilled their water tubs and small pool- every time I went out there, it was a NASTY, disgusting mess, filled with crap. Cured me of wanting a duck as a pet.
And along comes this… Nope. Still don’t want any pet ducks.
But I can still see all the stone/concrete garden ducks in the neighborhood deserving diaper harnesses. Then all the gnomes get the bondage equipment instead.
My mom used to diaper our dachshund when she was in heat. She got her first heat before we had a chance to get her spayed so my mom cut a tail hole in baby diapers and diapered her to keep her from spotting up the house.
They are commonly used (disposable or cloth) for puppies, female dogs in heat, or those with control issues. I’m not sure if they are actually called diapers, but call them Pooty Pants.
I had a high school friend who, for a time, had two pet ducks named Function and Gullible. (Don’t ask me; it was the late ’60s.) He marched them on leashes in the small town 4th of July parade, with flags painted on their wings.
I think they became dinner shortly thereafter, if his mother had anything to say about the matter. But the reaction of townspeople to his ducks on leashes is something I never will forget, fortunately.
October 17, 2012 at 10:05 am
Is the neon thing still going? My god, if you’re going to make a duck wear a harness, at least let the poor thing be fashionable.
October 17, 2012 at 10:08 am
Obviously, it’s the latest in poulty humiliation wear.
DON’T JUDGE!
October 17, 2012 at 10:19 am
First I thought it was like, cool, an egg Snuggie for a mother ducker. Then I was all like, “Duckn’ A, Mister Duck is into the kink”
October 17, 2012 at 10:27 am
Obviously, the above crafter is a NOOB.
October 17, 2012 at 2:09 pm
That’s just fowl.
October 17, 2012 at 10:06 am
Kinky!
October 17, 2012 at 10:07 am
Looks like your duck’s already got one!
October 17, 2012 at 10:10 am
That’s right! Keeps things from getting fowl around here.
October 17, 2012 at 10:49 am
That bird must be worthy of a lot of Luvs to be this Pampered.
October 17, 2012 at 4:32 pm
I’ll bet such a pet Depends on lots of Huggies.
October 17, 2012 at 10:08 am
It’s like Borat at the Beach.
October 17, 2012 at 11:52 pm
EXACTLY! I said to The Fella, “Fuck! It’s Borat The Duck!”
October 18, 2012 at 4:13 pm
But much sexier.
October 17, 2012 at 10:08 am
At last, I can participate in national bring your waterfowl to work day!
October 17, 2012 at 10:09 am
This just looks cruel. These damn people and their need to make things into pets…
October 17, 2012 at 10:15 am
I’m glad I read “Make Way for Ducklings” back before these things were invented.
October 17, 2012 at 10:17 am
I don’t see neon green OR purple in the fabric choices. Damn, guess my chicken will have to stay naked.
Hey, “Gleaming Gold”…!
October 17, 2012 at 10:21 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
October 17, 2012 at 10:21 am
And then you take the diaper off the duck, and … eewww. I know birds groom themselves, but can they clean up the consequences of this thing?
October 17, 2012 at 10:21 am
If I ever express the need to consult a duck-diaper sizing chart, someone here please be so kind as to send a bullet through my temple, as I clearly have lost any sense of rational thought.
October 17, 2012 at 10:24 am
Duck Duck Noose
October 17, 2012 at 1:02 pm
That’s stuck in my head and keeps making me laugh. I really wish I had more thumbs for you, vicogin. Too bad I’ve got but one thumb to give.
I wish we could barter for extra thumbs with people who aren’t using them- kind of like “carbon offsets” that corporations trade with each other.
October 17, 2012 at 1:34 pm
I just have my Chinese collective all log on and give thumbs up. In the proudest tradition of American Hand-Made!
October 17, 2012 at 1:53 pm
Maybe we could outsource an Upthumb Call Center in India. Vishnu’s got a shitload of thumbs.
October 17, 2012 at 2:58 pm
I’m sure there’d be loads of takers if you posted it as a job on Elance or ODesk.
October 17, 2012 at 10:25 am
Never mind. Fail. And Thinger beat me to it anyway.
October 17, 2012 at 10:26 am
I can honestly say that this is the first time I’ve ever seen a humiliated duck.
October 17, 2012 at 10:30 am
If I were that duck, I’d be PRAYING for the sweet release a wok would bring me.
October 17, 2012 at 10:27 am
I didn’t think keeping birds in captivity could be any more disgusting than it already was, but once again, Etsy proved me wrong! Barf.
October 17, 2012 at 11:42 am
Whoever downthumbed me obviously never had a grandfather who kept every bird known to man in and around his property. There were so many birds, in fact, that the neighbors made a formal complaint about the smell and the city gave him the option to either get rid of the birds or vacate the premises. Well, Grandpa loved his birds more than his own family, so when he didn’t comply, they evicted him from his home of many years and he moved to the country, birds and all. The funny part is that they all flew away and never returned. THE END
October 17, 2012 at 12:32 pm
I’m not a bird hater. I just think it’s cruel (not to mention unsanitary) to keep them as pets.
October 17, 2012 at 12:51 pm
Indeed. Birds need so much more space than we can give them, and their personalities are too intense for most humans. I’m a confident animal-rescue hand with anything that has fur, but even a budgie or a street pigeon will show me my limits.
October 18, 2012 at 8:11 am
I can’t stand birds as pets. They’re just so… Reptilian. Which is odd because I love my snakes. I’d rather curl up with a corn snake than a duck. And don’t get me started on Emus. They’re just a few evolutionary steps away from velociraptors. No. Thank. You.
October 20, 2012 at 7:49 pm
http://grist.org/list/this-video-of-a-rude-emu-will-make-you-pee-yourself-in-terrorhilarity/
October 19, 2012 at 9:15 am
A lot of pet ducks are saved from being food ducks – i.e. fattened and then painfully murdered just so that people can have the luxury (because it isn’t a necessity) of eating ducks. Which is a better life? And it’s no more unsanitary than a baby human not knowing how to use the toilet…
October 17, 2012 at 10:27 am
That’s a real “What the duck?” expression on the poor bird’s face.
October 17, 2012 at 10:31 am
“If You Give A Duck A Harness” – the sequel to “If You Give A Mouse A Cookie”
October 17, 2012 at 10:35 am
“Dookie- The Duck That Took On Manhattan”
I’m picturing all sorts of “adventures of Dookie” books.
October 17, 2012 at 4:37 pm
“Dookie and the Mysterious Smell”
October 17, 2012 at 4:38 pm
“Dookie Meets Captain Underpants and Goes On a Journey of Discovery”
October 17, 2012 at 4:39 pm
“Dookie Reads from the Standard Book of British Birds”
(the one without the nuthatch)
October 17, 2012 at 6:15 pm
“Dookie sees himself in a mirror wearing his diaper and does a swan dive into a pot of boiling water “
October 17, 2012 at 7:14 pm
And the sequel, “Dookie Served Over Rice”
October 17, 2012 at 11:28 am
“The Adventures of Diaper Duck and His Pu Pu Platter”
October 17, 2012 at 12:34 pm
Oh so this is why it’s called pu pu platter. The things you leatn on Regretsy.
October 17, 2012 at 4:51 pm
If you give a duck a harness –
October 17, 2012 at 10:32 am
honestly, i would so buy one of these.. in a less startling color :3 I would LOVE to have a chicken or a duck wander about my house like clucking/quacking kittens. only thing thats held me back besides being an adult and having to adhere to common sense, is that they shit everywhere.
One step closer to my dream!
Think a fork in the ear will cure that pesky other problem?
October 17, 2012 at 1:03 pm
I am not lying when I say a friend of mine had a little hen of some kind that was housetrained. Clucky would go to the sliding glass door, peck on it a few times to be let in or out. She always did her business outside.
Obviously she was mortified to come home one day to a chicken dinner and Clucky was the one on the plate… Her boyfriend was kicked to the curb after that.
October 17, 2012 at 10:32 am
Get back to me when you’ve invented a snake diaper. Condoms work until they’re full, then they slide off. Of course, the only worse deal-breaker for ladies I bring home than finding a “used” condom on the couch is an “unexpected” python.
October 17, 2012 at 10:43 am
“Unexpected Python” would be a pretty killer band name, by the way.
October 17, 2012 at 10:44 am
“Snake in the Grass” would be their first single.
October 17, 2012 at 10:48 am
And telling them “No, no, it was for my anaconda” doesn’t clear things up?
October 17, 2012 at 12:22 pm
You’d think it would but…
October 17, 2012 at 2:39 pm
And they laughed even harder when I tried to explain “But it’s for Stubby!!”.
October 17, 2012 at 10:45 am
You are talking about an actual snake, right?
October 17, 2012 at 10:47 am
It’s always a toss up with these two, but I’d bet not.
October 17, 2012 at 12:23 pm
I don’t even know anymore.
October 17, 2012 at 12:54 pm
I’ve given up on applying logic to anything I do or say.
October 17, 2012 at 3:22 pm
Some days I only check the comments to see what Matt and Zippy say.
October 18, 2012 at 5:12 am
That’s that awesomest thing anyone’s ever said ever.
October 17, 2012 at 11:25 am
NO ONE expects a Python in a condom!
October 17, 2012 at 10:35 am
Thank God for duck diapers.
There is nothing that I hate more than a naked birds running all over the place.
October 17, 2012 at 11:17 am
I do like it when they turn up in shoes
http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSXeamBnosrX5i30gIy_BQ_69NhJswzgjTiUA2YT6mbRQPII6_S1d_MnF5e
October 17, 2012 at 11:18 am
even Donald Duck never wore diapers, let alone pants/ trousers.
October 17, 2012 at 2:46 pm
Mark my words, that will become a hot button issue in the last weeks leading up to the election.
October 17, 2012 at 10:43 am
My search is over! Finally a shop that sell chicken shoes! Goodbye to all those “fowl” blisters my chicks get from walking over scratch all day!
October 17, 2012 at 10:46 am
Waddling Cloth.
October 17, 2012 at 10:48 am
There is actually a market for chicken diapers – I know, I make them. People who raise chickens like to keep them on hand for taking the birds to the vet, or if they need to stay inside for whatever reason – if they get sick, the coyotes are out, blizzard, etc.
Yeah, who knew, right? I tell people that I make them and they laugh, but they are simple to sew, and there’s almost no overhead, so its all profit. Except mine are low-profile and won’t make your bird look like a day-glo lumberjack.
October 17, 2012 at 10:54 am
But the only thing I let into my house wearing diapers is my baby. And even she’s pushing her luck.
October 17, 2012 at 10:55 am
Are they single use, or do people put them in the washing machine (hopefully not along with the people laundry)?
October 17, 2012 at 11:10 am
They’re made from cotton knit fabric, so they are washable. I don’t know how people do their laundry, but if it were me, I’d hit it with a high-pressure hose, then let it soak in a bucket of hot water with bleach or soap. It’ll fit a small maxi pad inside, that’s an option, too. I’ve never used them, so I’m not the best spokesperson for my product.
I don’t have any chickens myself, but I do help my elderly neighbor take care of his. I got started making them for a friend who keeps a Malaysian chicken that can’t be in temperatures under 40 degrees, so they spend all winter inside. (Quite the commitment, eh?) She tells me they’re the best out there, though.
Kind of an odd market, but I don’t know why I’d be surprised that I’m doing something odd.
October 17, 2012 at 1:54 pm
There are times when I could see the use for a chicken diaper. I had a hen pecked pretty badly – after it began healing, it would have been nice to have her in diapers rather than in a rabbit cage. Less smelly, more freedom for her.
Now my hens get aprons, so there’s not the same pecking problem.
So, I’m guilty of chicken clothing, I guess.
October 17, 2012 at 10:52 am
I refuse to waste moments of my precious, finite life changing chicken diapers. Although obviously, I will spend moments of my precious, finite life writing about chicken diapers.
October 17, 2012 at 10:56 am
That’s different. It’s for posterity.
October 17, 2012 at 11:00 am
Posterior, posterity … with a duck diaper, you have the choice.
October 17, 2012 at 10:53 am
At the Renfaire there’s always Mother Goose there with her flock, all wearing little diapers and aprons. So she can sit with them and cuddle them. It’s one of my favorite parts of going to the faire.
October 17, 2012 at 11:14 am
If i had a house duck, I’m pretty sure I’d rather clean the shit off the floor than from that. show me the duck litter box and may be more interested . . .
October 17, 2012 at 12:06 pm
you really really wouldn’t, the amount of shit a duck can generate you’d think it had a senate job
October 17, 2012 at 1:56 pm
No you don’t. Birds shit like every 20 minutes, and that stuff is really foul and eats the finish off of just about anything.
October 17, 2012 at 7:01 pm
Birds have a waste disposal system that dumps the piss and shit into a single opening. Said opening does not have a strong sphincter muscle, so it all comes out as it’s produced. They physically can’t hold it.
Some mammals use urine and feces as communication tools and to mark territory, so they have to store and save them up until they get to the spot they want to mark. That’s why some can be housetrained. They know they have to go, so they hold it until they can get to the right spot.
Thank a quirk of evolutionary behavior for the fact that we’re not wearing diapers our whole lives or running to the bathroom every 15 minutes.
October 17, 2012 at 11:14 am
who the fuck has a house duck!? anyway?
October 17, 2012 at 11:23 am
I have 2 house chickens. They live in our tile great room and are pretty good about pooping on the newspaper I lay out every morning. One of them is in love with my cat and follows her around all day, even snuggling with her when it’s cold. And yes, I’m a weirdo…=)
October 17, 2012 at 11:25 am
Urban poultry keeping is a current trend, actually (google it). I’ll stick to my (white) rats …
October 17, 2012 at 11:43 am
I would keep chickens, but there’s a city ordinance prohibiting it. The concept of fresh eggs every day is really tempting.
October 17, 2012 at 12:03 pm
You can keep Serama chickens. They aren’t considered (by the law) to be a “true” chicken – although they are. They are very small and have charming personalities..The eggs are small, but delicious. You can have them anywhere you can have a parrot or other typical pet bird.
October 17, 2012 at 1:23 pm
These comments about the Serama Chickens piqued my interest-subsequent research turned up “Serama Chicken Breeding Tips” – what an unexpected surprise – anyone interested in poultry or “Engrish” or chicken “puppies” should check it out.
October 17, 2012 at 12:00 pm
Got those too! They’re so cute and cuddly!!!
October 17, 2012 at 5:44 pm
You’re a poet and didn’t know it.
October 17, 2012 at 11:23 am
Do leash laws apply to ducks?
October 17, 2012 at 11:55 am
I sure hope they apply to geese, they can put up a terrible fight – actually, the HR department at the university here used to be guarded by a group of geese at night, no burglar ever came close.
October 17, 2012 at 12:24 pm
Swans are also vicious as hell.
October 17, 2012 at 12:50 pm
I have a friend who lived in Thailand and he said people kept geese as protection against cobras. Not so much to kill the snake but to put up a huge racket when one came into your yard. Dogs were stupid enough to try to fight the snake but geese are smart enough just to let everyone know one is in the area and stay back.
October 17, 2012 at 1:12 pm
A friend of mine had some kind of geese and yes, they guard things well. Much better than dogs, IMO.
October 17, 2012 at 7:48 pm
My aunt has two guard geese, Gerald and Irene. The local louts stay well away. Nobody could get close enough to those geese to put a nappy on them.
I went to a lake yesterday to eat my lunch. Wandering near the picnic table was Mother Black Swan and five cygnets. I stayed in the car because a swan is nearly as vicious as a goose, though more decorative.
October 17, 2012 at 12:25 pm
Now I’m remembering Marx Brothers: “Why a duck and why-a no chicken?”
October 17, 2012 at 12:33 pm
The duck is plotting revenge. Beware the duck.
October 17, 2012 at 1:01 pm
Your bill is coming due!
October 17, 2012 at 1:04 pm
Just pay it on the web.
October 17, 2012 at 1:40 pm
I’m down with that.
October 17, 2012 at 1:47 pm
You could always take a gander at some other ways to pay, as well.
October 17, 2012 at 3:25 pm
But beware of quack accountants!
October 17, 2012 at 1:50 pm
But I know what you’re thinking- “Why the flock would I pay any other way?”
October 17, 2012 at 2:28 pm
You’d have to be a featherbrain.
October 17, 2012 at 3:04 pm
Or gaggling mad.
October 17, 2012 at 3:37 pm
Or just plane flighty.
October 17, 2012 at 5:09 pm
Now I have a migrate headache.
October 17, 2012 at 1:21 pm
I once had the idea of getting a duck, keeping it in the yard with a kiddie pool… Up until I took care of he neighbors ducks and chickes for her for a week.
No matter how many times I cleaned or dumped and refilled their water tubs and small pool- every time I went out there, it was a NASTY, disgusting mess, filled with crap. Cured me of wanting a duck as a pet.
And along comes this… Nope. Still don’t want any pet ducks.
October 17, 2012 at 2:35 pm
But I can still see all the stone/concrete garden ducks in the neighborhood deserving diaper harnesses. Then all the gnomes get the bondage equipment instead.
October 17, 2012 at 2:15 pm
I met a couple at a party who told me how they used to diaper their dog, but diaper rash became a problem.
People are weird.
October 18, 2012 at 8:17 am
A friend of mine had to diaper his mini pincher. The dog had seizures and would lose control of his bowels. But they just used premie diapers.
October 18, 2012 at 11:58 am
My mom used to diaper our dachshund when she was in heat. She got her first heat before we had a chance to get her spayed so my mom cut a tail hole in baby diapers and diapered her to keep her from spotting up the house.
October 18, 2012 at 9:55 pm
They are commonly used (disposable or cloth) for puppies, female dogs in heat, or those with control issues. I’m not sure if they are actually called diapers, but call them Pooty Pants.
October 17, 2012 at 2:47 pm
I’ve heard of duck and cover, but never cover a duck.
October 17, 2012 at 3:31 pm
I had a high school friend who, for a time, had two pet ducks named Function and Gullible. (Don’t ask me; it was the late ’60s.) He marched them on leashes in the small town 4th of July parade, with flags painted on their wings.
I think they became dinner shortly thereafter, if his mother had anything to say about the matter. But the reaction of townspeople to his ducks on leashes is something I never will forget, fortunately.
October 17, 2012 at 4:38 pm
BaQuack Obama does not approve of this shit.
http://www.facebook.com/baquack.obama
October 17, 2012 at 5:00 pm
I wonder if creepy naked duck loving clown man knows about these?
October 17, 2012 at 7:15 pm
Goose abuse!
October 17, 2012 at 7:51 pm
The lady who makes these is one crazy chick.
October 18, 2012 at 8:19 am
I think we’ve found the Etsy shop run by Helen’s clown friend…
October 18, 2012 at 4:46 pm
Hilarious! I went to college with this chick!
It’s a crazy quacked up world we live in!
January 5, 2013 at 6:11 pm
I almost needed a diaper harness when I read your commentary!!