EXCITING NEWS
By now you may know that Bronc and I are hard at work on a TV project and a new website. While we get ready for the launch, we’ve turned the site over to our good friend, Crochet Guevara.
Crochet is working very hard to amuse you. In fact, he’s posting all new content, 7 days a week. We thought that would go over well, since the repeats on the weekends have been a source of irritation for some of you.
And now, everyone is happy.
Well, maybe not.
Rather than try to please everyone, we’ve settled on just being somewhat irritating. So in addition to the new stuff, we’ll be reposting classic Regretsy entries from the very early days of this site, before it was in color.
And it’ll be something we haven’t re-run before, making it a brand new repeat of shit we already showed you! This way, we virtually guarantee that everyone will be vaguely dissatisfied. And really, isn’t that the most any of us can ask for?
Look for this banner:
October 16, 2012 at 1:32 pm
It’s hard to be entertained when you post repeats because Regretsy is the online website on the internet at all.
October 16, 2012 at 1:32 pm
Only, dammit, not online!
October 16, 2012 at 1:39 pm
I like it better as ‘online’ — gives it that sort of authentic Etsyish sort of feel.
October 16, 2012 at 2:24 pm
You mean I can’t get Regretsy on rabbit ears? Fiddle faddle!
October 16, 2012 at 3:26 pm
mmm…fiddle faddle.
October 16, 2012 at 3:52 pm
Goes well with the Screaming Yellow Zonker in the “Classic Shit” banner!
October 16, 2012 at 10:22 pm
Maybe not, but I bet that you could find real rabbit’s ears on Etsy.
October 16, 2012 at 1:33 pm
wow.. 65 comments in 1958! you were smoking then!
October 16, 2012 at 1:37 pm
Especially when you consider they were hand-written and mailed in!
October 16, 2012 at 1:37 pm
All the cool kids were smoking then!
October 16, 2012 at 2:17 pm
My grandparents used to read Regretsy. It was only semi-monthly back then, as the horses couldn’t keep up with the volume of subscriptions.
October 16, 2012 at 2:36 pm
I heard Regresty was telegraphed to America from border to border, coast to coast and all the ships at sea. Oh the ..-. ..- -.-. -.- . .-. -.–
October 16, 2012 at 2:52 pm
It says “fuckery”, I didn’t want you fuckers to crash the Morse Code site and interrupt the important work they do.
October 16, 2012 at 3:10 pm
Ha ha, I was a) impressed that you know Morse code, and b) too lazy to look it up. I blame the interw***.
October 16, 2012 at 3:33 pm
And I was c) ready to double check that it wasn’t pig latin morse code. You can’t tell with Zippy.
October 16, 2012 at 4:24 pm
Uck, Fay!
October 17, 2012 at 9:59 am
Usted-bay!
October 17, 2012 at 10:37 am
Arpe-cay iem-day!
October 17, 2012 at 12:44 pm
Eum-may erebrum-cay ocet-nay
October 16, 2012 at 2:42 pm
This is my father selling Regretsy before they crossed the ocean to come to America.
October 17, 2012 at 3:08 pm
If I actually had photoshop (or paint) talent, I would have put April on Cher’s face. Anyway, enjoy this Regretsy tabloid from the 70s
October 16, 2012 at 1:33 pm
what does the Bronze Turd stand for?
October 16, 2012 at 1:37 pm
turd place
October 16, 2012 at 1:49 pm
damn, i walked into that one, zip. but it was better than stepping into it.
October 16, 2012 at 1:51 pm
You can’t get shit past me.
October 16, 2012 at 2:07 pm
I’m recoiling in horror at the shittiness of these puns, what a load. Then again comment quality isn’t enema business.
October 16, 2012 at 3:10 pm
Here’s my mom when Regretsy finally went on the radio (RBHS AM)…
October 16, 2012 at 4:42 pm
“Regretsy Broadcasting Horrendous Shit” was why the FCC got invented.
October 16, 2012 at 2:14 pm
Pedo-Bear approved
October 16, 2012 at 2:43 pm
The Gold Ring of Quality!
October 17, 2012 at 1:25 pm
Isn’t Bronze Turd what you get for your 5 year wedding anniversary?
October 16, 2012 at 1:33 pm
I think a Vintage Regretsy photoshop contest should be in order.
(says the one with no PS skills)
October 16, 2012 at 2:47 pm
It’s because of Regretsy that I learned how to use GiMP.
October 16, 2012 at 2:57 pm
Everything I know in life I learned from Regretsy.
October 16, 2012 at 6:04 pm
Seconded!
(says another with zero graphics skills)
October 16, 2012 at 1:33 pm
I like it.
October 16, 2012 at 1:34 pm
My brain just exploded trying to figure this post out. Where’s the vodka?
SOMEBODY HELP ME!
October 16, 2012 at 3:29 pm
*passes Bish the vodka* There, there, dear. Just drink up. It’ll be ok in the morning.
October 16, 2012 at 1:34 pm
Just like the motto of despair.com.
We’re not satisfied until you’re not satisfied.
October 16, 2012 at 1:34 pm
Well, golly gee! Wait til the Beaver gets a load of this!
October 16, 2012 at 1:43 pm
Or…Wait til my beaver gets a load!
October 16, 2012 at 1:49 pm
Are you Haskelling me?
October 16, 2012 at 1:51 pm
Ward you be upset if I were?
October 16, 2012 at 1:52 pm
June, no I wouldn’t.
October 16, 2012 at 1:57 pm
Oh good, because I don’t Wally like to upset people.
October 16, 2012 at 2:05 pm
We are so Cleaver!
October 16, 2012 at 3:40 pm
If there’s ever a movie made of Cleaver puns, we should get top Billingsley!
October 16, 2012 at 4:45 pm
This is no laughing Matthers!
October 16, 2012 at 4:52 pm
Someone needs their Lumpys!
October 16, 2012 at 2:23 pm
Getting a load in your beaver is not a problem if you wipe front to back
October 16, 2012 at 3:45 pm
I always did do things ass-backwards.
October 16, 2012 at 1:35 pm
Everything was better in the Fifties. Course, back then we didn’t use numbers, we called them the now-ties. I remember handcrafting in those days. After so many people lost hands in world war 2, they had to call it limb-crafting. A good limb-crafter could make 20 chickens over a 3 week period. But we couldn’t call them weeks, on account of the russkies. Yep, back then they was called strongs. Every strongend I’d go down to the movie building and watch 3 films and a cartoon for one shiny strawpenny. They were known as movie building in those days because theaters was for poofters…
October 16, 2012 at 1:46 pm
That was about the time the Federal Government integrated M&M’s. There was such a hue and cry! They tried it again later with chess but the Rooshians didn’t, and they started clobberin’ our boys, but good!
October 16, 2012 at 3:00 pm
Let me draw your attention to … now-fucking-ties! Oh, Progurt!
October 16, 2012 at 1:37 pm
I think Crochet is doing a fine job. The last post made coffee come out my nose.
October 16, 2012 at 2:45 pm
Ay – freakin- men!
October 16, 2012 at 1:38 pm
I miss you and Bronc, HKpril, but I’ve been really enjoying what Crochet Guevara’s been up to as well.
October 16, 2012 at 3:19 pm
I’m enjoying the hell out of Crochet! You left the dumpster in good hands HK!
October 16, 2012 at 3:58 pm
Crochet’s got us all hooked.
October 16, 2012 at 6:06 pm
With his purls of wisdom.
October 17, 2012 at 9:05 am
THAT’S KNITTING U NOOB.
October 17, 2012 at 12:04 pm
True, but it’s okay…you can knit with a crochet hook. You sort of need two, unless you’re using one with a hole with a cord through it; then it’s called knooking.
So Kyasarin’s way can work, if she’s hoping to get some knooking out of Crochet’s hook.
October 18, 2012 at 6:33 am
What I saw in your post:
Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah KNOOKING wah wah wah wah.
And then I laughed, because knooking has vaguely dirty connotations.
October 16, 2012 at 1:39 pm
I can’t tell you enough how much I love you guys. And just how forward thinking we all were – I was posting on Regretsy at 10 months!
Of course, back then I was only Princess Whining Eaglet.
October 16, 2012 at 1:47 pm
I was Sluggish, back then, compared to now.
October 16, 2012 at 2:32 pm
I only had one bell!
October 16, 2012 at 2:47 pm
I was Steampunk Unipus back then. Boy, do I not miss those days.
October 16, 2012 at 3:02 pm
Oh god, you people bring tears to my eyes… I was the 1eisha…
October 16, 2012 at 3:21 pm
I was just a little granata..sigh
October 16, 2012 at 3:46 pm
I was just a Weebot.
October 16, 2012 at 3:48 pm
…and I was a mere frogstudent.
October 16, 2012 at 8:17 pm
I was Rhapsody9.
October 16, 2012 at 3:59 pm
I was…
Fuck it.
October 16, 2012 at 4:17 pm
i was still making with love.
ha ha, now if they only knew i add a touch of regret to every plate i make. -why did i do that show? -why did i tell them it would be ready in 4 weeks? – why can’t they just give me cash and i give them a high-five….
Yes, those days were simpler.
Being so whimsical is exhausting.
October 16, 2012 at 4:48 pm
I can’t help but notice Matt’s not mentioning how much of a Johnson he’s become since back then.
October 16, 2012 at 5:03 pm
Rhode Island was part of the mainland back then. He doesn’t want to remember.
October 17, 2012 at 8:12 am
Back then, I was known as Pat Ronson. Then I “went all Hollywood” and upped the name ante.
October 16, 2012 at 4:56 pm
I was a Glasgow then as always. Of course I am over 400 years old.
October 16, 2012 at 6:38 pm
you were using a sea sponge as a tampon?
October 16, 2012 at 6:39 pm
whoops, that was for Postmenopaws.
October 16, 2012 at 9:12 pm
Actually no back then there were no sea sponges as we had no seas. We had to use pinecones. Thanks for bringing back that particularly uncomfortable moment.
October 16, 2012 at 10:56 pm
I just used a dead sabretooth squirrel.
October 16, 2012 at 10:48 pm
I had not yet read the Regretsy “Sailor Trouble” guide to profanity and was only Alicebeige
October 16, 2012 at 9:40 pm
I could only Count to three: “One Crochet, two Crochet, THREE CROCHET AH! AH! AH!
October 16, 2012 at 7:47 pm
I had but one cookbook, and it fit perfectly on my lone shelf.
October 16, 2012 at 1:41 pm
I remember those days! It took FOREVER for me Univac to download pictures!
October 16, 2012 at 1:42 pm
“Me Univac”. Yes, I was Cockney back then, too.
October 16, 2012 at 2:02 pm
“Oi WERE Cockney back then, LUV.”
October 16, 2012 at 2:16 pm
Guvna yourself accordingly!
October 16, 2012 at 1:49 pm
My favorite craft back then was one of those metal potholder looms with the different colored loopers. I used to sell them door to door. One for 15 cents. Two for a quarter. My first venture as a craft seller.
October 16, 2012 at 2:27 pm
I had one of those! I cut myself on it, you bastard.
October 16, 2012 at 2:47 pm
Those, like all children’s toys and playground equipment, were designed to cull the careless, weak and slow, and teach kids that life wasn’t just cake. The cake was designed to cull potential diabetics.
October 16, 2012 at 2:58 pm
If you didn’t get cut, you weren’t LIVING!
October 16, 2012 at 3:26 pm
And if you didn’t skin your knee and get asphalt and gravel in it, you weren’t PLAYING right!
October 16, 2012 at 4:52 pm
The school cafeteria utensils gave us tetanus AND WE ATE THAT SHIT UP AND LIKED IT!!!
October 16, 2012 at 5:04 pm
At my school we asked for MORE!
October 18, 2012 at 6:36 am
To be fair, my kids’ school playground has ginormous wood chips – which have been known to break the skin and stick out horrifically…it’s fun getting splinters out of a screaming 5 year old….
October 16, 2012 at 5:01 pm
i left mine on the couch and dad sat on it. Much consternation. Although not as much as when my Flubber died a slow secret death under the china hutch. The carpet was never the same.
October 17, 2012 at 11:50 am
Me, too! AND I cut myself, too!
AAAAANNND I burned myself using the pot holder!
October 16, 2012 at 6:19 pm
in high school i made picture frames out of c.d. cases… hot glued crap (puzzle pieces, marbles… whatever i could find a goodwill’s bargain bin)to them, and sold them to freshmen. as a senior, you can sell anything to a freshmen.
October 16, 2012 at 10:49 pm
Including other freshmen.
October 17, 2012 at 7:32 am
When I was in high school there was no such thing as CDs.
(And you can’t really make a picture frame out of a cassette case.)
October 19, 2012 at 9:42 am
I don’t know, wouldn’t they be perfect for wallet-size pictures? They’d even stand up much better than cd cases.
October 16, 2012 at 1:56 pm
I love you assholes. Even your cracks at readers are hilarious.
October 16, 2012 at 2:17 pm
Butt that’s not even the end of it!
October 16, 2012 at 3:23 pm
We’ve got a trunkload
October 16, 2012 at 8:11 pm
More of an assload, really.
October 17, 2012 at 9:12 am
I was just trying to be ladylike.
October 16, 2012 at 11:01 pm
Is that what the mean by a backdoor compliment?
October 16, 2012 at 2:08 pm
Naysayers be damned. I think Crochet Guevara is doing a great job!
October 16, 2012 at 2:17 pm
“New posts for all!”
“BOOOOO!!!”
“Very well, new posts for none.”
“BOOOOOOOO!!!”
“Hm…new posts for some, golden turds for others.”
“YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!”
October 16, 2012 at 2:26 pm
Why should anyone complain about shitty content? I thought that was the point of Regretsy — All Poo, All the Time!
October 16, 2012 at 3:05 pm
Exactly, people come here expecting some shitty stuff and when they see stuff they consider shitty they complain! Go figure…
October 16, 2012 at 2:29 pm
I think Crochet is doing a good job! A disturbing picture here, witty commentary there makes for a good time.
October 16, 2012 at 2:47 pm
The brilliant commenters on this site make old content seem new again. Bring on the classics, maybe the comments will be even funnier than the first time around.
October 17, 2012 at 11:51 am
NO THEY WON’T
October 16, 2012 at 2:47 pm
*YAWN*
Kidding – I’ll be waiting eagerly for the golden turd!
October 16, 2012 at 2:57 pm
Every day I’ll open a new internet, hoping for the gleam of gold, like Charlie tearing into a Wonka bar.
October 16, 2012 at 8:36 pm
Where are you finding all these new Internets? I haven’t seen a new one in years, I’ve had to make do with hand-me-downs from my cousin. And shes taller than I am, do the bottom drags on the floor.
October 16, 2012 at 2:53 pm
Ah, the 50′s. When swastika crafts and hobo weddings were really “too soon” and “darkie” was still a socially acceptable phrase.
October 16, 2012 at 3:07 pm
Yes, but what about hobo crafts and swastika weddings?
October 16, 2012 at 3:12 pm
Now that’s risky.
October 16, 2012 at 3:59 pm
Man, you haven’t lived until you’ve been to a hobo-swastika craft-wedding.
All of those transient Nazis with their tramp-stamped centerpieces…
The memory brings a tear to my homemade glass eye.
October 16, 2012 at 4:54 pm
I wasn’t even on the Guestapo List.
October 17, 2012 at 6:59 am
I know, reich? I was naziven expecting such a great party.
October 16, 2012 at 2:53 pm
I remember in the early days of Regretsy — this would have been in the mid-1800s — going down to the pier in New York and yelling to the sailors on incoming ships, “Fuck me in the fanny for a nickel, luv?” And after getting no seamen to respond to my friendly overtures, I would then yell out the burning question that was on everyone’s mind: “Is Little Hellephant still missing an ear?” It was a simpler time, and so long between updates.
October 16, 2012 at 6:09 pm
*Props* for the Dickens reference, friend. Serious props.
October 16, 2012 at 3:01 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
October 16, 2012 at 8:25 pm
Wow, I think Otter has gotten grumpier over the years. Remember when they were just disastisfied_otter?
October 16, 2012 at 9:57 pm
I like the one-liners. I did the same thing as you did when I found this site, I went back and read pretty much all the old posts. I say pretty much because I would go by category so I might have missed a few.
The reason it seemed to decline to you was because at first, it was new to you, and then after a while it was less new and shocking.
Everyone always says things like this, especially with games. WoW has “declined over the years” Runescape has “declined over the years. The fact is, people just get tired of things and blame everyone but themselves. Take a break. You’ll come back soon enough.
October 17, 2012 at 12:35 am
Some times you get the fuckery, other times the fuckery gets you. It is the way of the fuckery.
October 17, 2012 at 3:36 pm
Be the fuckery. Become one with the fuckery.
October 17, 2012 at 4:26 pm
just fuck.
October 16, 2012 at 4:03 pm
I miss my Olivetti manual typewriter that I posted on from my mother’s womb. I would have preferred an Underwood, but she’s only 5-feet tall.
October 16, 2012 at 4:55 pm
How do you get a ream of paper into…never mind.
October 16, 2012 at 8:22 pm
I remember my dad teaching me how to load up Regretsy on the old Commodore 64. ,8,1, y’all!
October 16, 2012 at 11:04 pm
Ha, you are just a young punk. Only those of us who are familiar with carbon paper get to tell kids to getoffofmylawn!
October 17, 2012 at 1:01 am
Mimeograph, punk! My dad had one of those for work and it smelled like DuPont’s toxic butthole. I have cancer?
October 17, 2012 at 7:53 am
Hope not. Both my parents taught so they must have had enough mimeograph exposure to provide “secondhand cancer” to their spawn.
October 17, 2012 at 10:22 am
Ditto.
October 17, 2012 at 10:43 am
Copy that.
October 16, 2012 at 5:08 pm
There is only one thing that Regretsy must continue to do:
Post horror shows so that my husband stops looking at my god-damned laptop screen. There’s nothing like a squirting anus to remind him that he has other things to be doing besides checking out what I’m reading.
October 16, 2012 at 7:47 pm
Score one Regretsy:
Bring on the flouncers. (Pretty please?)
October 16, 2012 at 11:07 pm
Regretsy must have been an easier job in those days. Before the cupcakes became armed with glue guns I imagine that it took them longer to spew out shitty crafts.
October 17, 2012 at 1:11 am
Back then, Regretsy was an annoyance wrapped in a confusion inside a conceit (that meant well) but nonetheless had to be upbraided constantly and would often bid you, GOOD DAY,SIR!
October 17, 2012 at 9:22 am
My mom upbraided my hair every day before I went off to school. I hated it!
October 17, 2012 at 10:44 am
Too bad there wasn’t a permanent solution.
October 17, 2012 at 2:57 pm
Her Mom probably waved it off as being too Toni.
October 17, 2012 at 7:08 am
Ah the good old days, when you would macrame your hair AND asbestos into doilies. When fuckery wasn’t even a word yet, just a way of life.
October 17, 2012 at 7:50 am
Ah macrame and the decade of the killer plant hangers (surely I’m not the only one who nearly hung her young self on those twine monstrosities?)
October 17, 2012 at 8:21 am
As I recall, originally the site was “Ye Olde Regretsee Fuckerie Five and Dime Shoppe”. April would weave her posts on her patented “Douche-Loom” bi-weekly, and within a fortnight, newsies would sell freshly woven content on every street corner. You could get a copy for the low cost of three Werther’s Originals- a bargain in those tough times.
October 17, 2012 at 9:20 am
It was hardest on the Doughboys, so young they were, going off to fight knowing that they might never again receive content by letter “over there.”
October 17, 2012 at 9:22 am
The Pillsbury Doughboy really took the brunt of it, though. I mean, April just wouldn’t stop poking him. Right in the belly. Over and over.
October 17, 2012 at 9:25 am
Sometimes, she would poke lower.
October 17, 2012 at 10:01 am
That stopped the incessant giggling!
October 17, 2012 at 10:04 am
Training was tough in those days because we kneaded those boys to be strong.
October 17, 2012 at 10:08 am
Even the yeast of them rose to the occasion.
October 17, 2012 at 10:49 am
Nowadays they just loaf around and get baked.
October 17, 2012 at 11:55 am
Well do I remember the early days of Regretsy. I would hound the mailman every Monday – and like steampunk clockwork, he would produce the crushed envelope containing April’s latest finds and commentary.
I would then pen her a postal card in response, or perhaps write her a letter. If I were very lucky, my missive would appear on the back pages among the other letters.
It was glorious.
October 17, 2012 at 12:55 pm
I still have the first “Regretsy Holiday Spectacle” View-Master disc with Level 1 Kitten, Lil’ Petja and tragi-crafting of “the day the music died” plane crash IN GLORIOUS 3D!
Sadly I don’t have a viewer any more and can only squint at it.