Stool Sample
So, this is how this is going to go.
You give me thirty dollars, plus an undetermined amount for shipping. I put this on a bus from Bumfuck, and you have to go down to the Greyhound station to get it. With any luck the bus will be late, and you can eat dinner out of a vending machine while some guy in a plastic poncho rubs his nuts on your shoulder.
Then you get to carry this out to the parking lot, and wedge it into your Kia without ripping the headliner. And once you’ve driven it across town, dragged it up three flights of stairs and set it up in your apartment, you’ll have a busted chair you can’t sit in!
I take Paypal.
October 12, 2012 at 10:06 am
What animal is that meant to be on the back of the chair? A donkey? A cow? It looks uncannily like a Tauntaun to me.
October 12, 2012 at 10:09 am
Definitely. A Mexican Tauntaun. Dies in cold weather even faster than the Hoth Tauntaun.
October 12, 2012 at 10:22 am
LA CHUPACABRA
October 12, 2012 at 10:23 am
A Jedi uses every part of the animal. Or the Sith Lord. Once they cracked open that armor, Vader was “darthlicious!”
October 12, 2012 at 10:26 am
Depends on whether you prefer Light meat or Dark meat. Obi-Wan was a leg man, if the fight on Mustafar was any hint.
October 12, 2012 at 10:41 am
With fava beans and Chianti?
October 12, 2012 at 10:43 am
It was 2 Buck Chuck and lentils. You know Ewoks shop at Trader Joe’s.
October 12, 2012 at 11:27 am
October 12, 2012 at 11:47 am
“I thought they smelled bad on the outside.”
October 12, 2012 at 12:11 pm
You see an animal? I only see kindling.
October 12, 2012 at 10:08 am
Busted.
October 12, 2012 at 10:08 am
One way to look at it is as an “unfinished project”.
Another way to look at it is “already started compost”. It’s a cup half full/cup half empty thing.
October 12, 2012 at 10:11 am
Cup half broken. Cup will be shipped by bus (half broken).
October 12, 2012 at 10:16 am
Bus is broken, as well. Will be shipped by Volkswagen Beetle cab.
October 12, 2012 at 10:19 am
Want to save even a little more on shipping? We’ll just toss this off the roof of the Beetle as we drive past your house. Or your nearest bus station.
October 12, 2012 at 10:20 am
Will be strapped to front of VW Beetle so expect a few bug splats and maybe some live ones to crawl out upon delivery. And maybe an armadillo.
October 12, 2012 at 10:21 am
The armadillo is extra.
October 12, 2012 at 10:31 am
If cab arrives with two armadillos, the extra armadillo is also extra.
October 12, 2012 at 10:36 am
an årmadillø bit my sîster ønce
October 12, 2012 at 10:40 am
They bite? I love how educational regretsy is becoming!
October 12, 2012 at 10:45 am
They bite because who would arm a dillo?
October 12, 2012 at 10:50 am
Yes, please tell us more. I didn’t think it was possible.
October 12, 2012 at 11:05 am
Sorry, the armadilloes responsible for sacking the tauntauns responsible for upcycling the chair, have been sacked. A new beat-up chair has been dropped off at your local bus station at tremendous expense and at the last minute by Sam the Wonder Llama.
October 12, 2012 at 11:13 am
They spread leprosy. Maybe they also bite. Cute, though.
October 12, 2012 at 11:23 am
Yeah, that sounds adorable.
October 12, 2012 at 11:48 am
Either way, somebody’s losing a finger.
October 12, 2012 at 3:02 pm
Only if you kiss them.
October 12, 2012 at 12:19 pm
If you surprise an armadillo it can jump two feet straight up in the air. And if an armadillo surprises me I can also jump two feet straight up in the air.
—- The more you know! —-*
October 12, 2012 at 10:10 am
Pier Zero
October 12, 2012 at 10:46 am
Crate and Baño.
October 12, 2012 at 10:53 am
Potty Barn.
October 12, 2012 at 10:54 am
Ikaka.
October 12, 2012 at 11:02 am
Bed Bug and Beyond
October 12, 2012 at 11:20 am
AnthrApology.
October 12, 2012 at 11:34 am
Cost Bust.
October 12, 2012 at 11:49 am
CostNo
October 12, 2012 at 12:24 pm
The Home Despot.
October 12, 2012 at 12:41 pm
L’etsy Boy
October 12, 2012 at 1:06 pm
Bust Buy
October 12, 2012 at 5:59 pm
Rustic Outfitters?
…Rustic Outshitters.
October 12, 2012 at 10:10 am
“or just give me your home address. what, you’re not going to be awake at 2:30 AM? just leave a key under the mat and you valuables on the table. and if you’d leave the duct tape and ball gag out, that’ll save me the trouble of hunting them down.”
October 12, 2012 at 10:14 am
¡Cuidado! ¡las llamas!
October 12, 2012 at 10:14 am
DIY – Dump It Yourself.
October 12, 2012 at 10:15 am
I didn’t realize “Stabby Chic” is a thing in Mexico, too.
October 12, 2012 at 10:23 am
I thought it was “Stabby Shriek”?
October 12, 2012 at 10:28 am
Scabby streak?
October 12, 2012 at 10:46 am
Crabby Creak?
October 12, 2012 at 10:47 am
Shabby Steak?
October 12, 2012 at 10:56 am
Shaggy Freak!
October 12, 2012 at 3:03 pm
With Scooby Doo, too.
October 12, 2012 at 10:15 am
I wonder how many exotic cucarachas are gonna scamper out of that thing upon delivery?
October 12, 2012 at 10:18 am
ALL OF THEM.
October 12, 2012 at 10:19 am
And they’ll be awful hungry after that long-ass bus ride, too!
October 12, 2012 at 10:35 am
Hide your kids! Hide your wife!
Sorry, I know that joke is dated, but it was the first thing that popped into my head and I couldn’t stop myself.
October 12, 2012 at 7:23 pm
That’s a lot, because I’m pretty sure the chair is just a whole shitload of them holding hands.
October 12, 2012 at 10:19 am
In case you’ve always envied Joe’s Apartment.
October 12, 2012 at 10:51 am
Growing up in Florida, I always thought Joe’s Apartment was a documentary.
October 12, 2012 at 10:22 am
Seriously, though- it looks like an easy fix.
October 12, 2012 at 12:12 pm
If busing chairs like that around to each other to be upscaled is what it will take to beat the Chinese Resellers then YES WE CANE!
October 12, 2012 at 12:19 pm
It’s as simple as:
Step 1- Buy 2/3 of a chair.
Step 2- ????????
Step 3- Success and Profit! China is destroyed!
October 12, 2012 at 10:23 am
Wow. I’m a job creator. The shit I put out on the curb for the garbage pickup gets trash picked and then sold on Etsy.
Circle of life, yo.
October 12, 2012 at 10:33 am
You’re at the top of the food chain, Princess. You’ve made it.
October 12, 2012 at 10:37 am
It’s an Etsy miracle.
October 12, 2012 at 10:49 am
*music swells*
October 12, 2012 at 11:18 am
*arms and face also swell from cucaracha bites*
October 12, 2012 at 12:00 pm
And the work of “La Cucarachair” is done. She rides off into the sunset, strapped to a VW Bug, leaving only a rash and some rattan bits to remember her by.
October 12, 2012 at 12:09 pm
Don’t miss the French version, “Les Chaise Aux Folles”.
October 12, 2012 at 12:13 pm
Or the German one, “Das Sitzen Scheissen”.
October 12, 2012 at 12:13 pm
We need to work this into *an erotic novel* somehow…
October 12, 2012 at 12:25 pm
I’m still waiting for my turn on the last one. Somebody’s got writer’s block. Matt?
October 12, 2012 at 12:29 pm
I did one sentence and have gotten no email yet for my turn.
I never have writer’s block. I have some sort of writer’s diarrhea. That came out wrong.
October 12, 2012 at 12:43 pm
It was like an unexpected word spurt, wasn’t it.
October 12, 2012 at 2:04 pm
Same here. All I got to put out there was my Bajingo.
October 12, 2012 at 12:55 pm
After the Reply To All debacle I copied what was summarized, added my line and forwarded it on to FinkleFairy. “If you love something, set it free on a murder of fat jealous losers and hope it finds its way back to you” has always been my motto.
October 12, 2012 at 2:05 pm
I’m thinking something’s wrong, if Zippy hasn’t even got the story yet then we haven’t even gone through 1 rotation. Maybe it’s in someone’s email account that they don’t use?
October 12, 2012 at 2:11 pm
I did my first and only sentence on like Monday or something. At this rate, we will finish sometime in 2036. Hopefully we’ll still use written language by then, and not some kind of mind-meld software or grunts and clicks.
October 12, 2012 at 2:16 pm
We’ll probably have taller stories about sex then, though. “When *I* was young, sonny…”
October 12, 2012 at 2:21 pm
“When I was your age, I had 14 penises! All of ‘em were enormous! That’s just how it was back then! You kids with yer 1 penis, lazy no-good-fer-nothin’… grumble…mumble…”
October 12, 2012 at 2:29 pm
I don’t understand why we keep getting hung up. How fucking hard is it to write a sentence and then forward it on to the next person on the list?!? I needs my porn, damnit!
October 12, 2012 at 3:29 pm
Not sure what the hang up is either. We used to pump out at least 3 or 4 sexy serial stories in one 4-hour coffee binge at Denny’s when I was a teen. Wait…is my geek showing?
October 12, 2012 at 4:24 pm
I’ve seen some versions of the story copied but nobody sent it to me with “your turn” or something like that on it. I could just find the newest one, slap a sentence on there and send it to the top of the list.
October 12, 2012 at 5:01 pm
And, done.
October 12, 2012 at 7:36 pm
I sure hope we got that project back on track. I think that from what I’ve seen so far it reads great. I dunno if I was the one who fucked it all up but if I was; blame Canada.
October 12, 2012 at 12:36 pm
Ah, the rattan bits. By next year they will fade to rotten bits, and then to sweet memories…
October 12, 2012 at 12:54 pm
Then those sweet memories will be hot-glue-gunned and sold on etsy as some kind of shitty dream-catcher or cake-topper.
October 12, 2012 at 1:45 pm
Yeah im pretty sure most of the stuff I leave out on the curb for free ends up for sale at a flea market.
October 12, 2012 at 10:28 am
Is this a new twist on the old “Mexican Disappearing $30 Trick” that so many tourists have fallen prey to in Tijuana?
October 12, 2012 at 11:11 am
*Sigh* I remember when it only cost $20 to have money disappear in Tijuana.
October 12, 2012 at 11:34 am
Inflation, man… even suckers aren’t immune to its bite.
October 12, 2012 at 12:01 pm
Griftin’ ain’t easy.
October 12, 2012 at 10:37 am
http://www.etsy.com/listing/76078066/heavy-vintage-antique-rustic-steam-punk?ref=v1_other_2
He has steampunk too!!!
October 12, 2012 at 12:17 pm
No he thinks he has steampunk. Kinds like he thinks he has an antique chair.
October 12, 2012 at 10:41 am
He also has the wardrobe and furnishings of a family frozen in time at the dusty bunny ranch. Dear god let the family be frozen and not hacked up in tiny pieces.
October 12, 2012 at 11:15 am
They could have been hacked up in tiny pieces and then frozen, you know.
October 12, 2012 at 11:19 am
I like the way you think.
October 12, 2012 at 11:25 am
Then they’d be more stack-able.
October 12, 2012 at 12:07 pm
And easier to stir fry!
October 12, 2012 at 12:11 pm
And helpful for portion control!
October 12, 2012 at 12:14 pm
That is chorizo nasty!
October 12, 2012 at 12:18 pm
No, it’s nacho!
October 12, 2012 at 7:36 pm
Who’s chair is it? Nacho chair!
October 12, 2012 at 11:18 am
I’m a little uncomfortable with either choice.
October 12, 2012 at 12:19 pm
Isnt the bunny ranch a whorehouse in Nevada?
October 12, 2012 at 12:29 pm
Yikes! So in addition to cucarachas there are also crabs?
October 12, 2012 at 12:44 pm
Bunnies serve as a host habitat for a multitude of insect species. You could say they’re crawling with them! Enjoy your trip!
October 12, 2012 at 3:22 pm
Maybe the Dusty Bunny Ranch is where they go when it’s time to retire?
October 12, 2012 at 10:44 am
I have a whole trunk full of “vintage” mannequin heads (beauty school drop out) and mine have much better hair! I’m reasonably talented just not even remotely interested in what other people look like any more….
October 12, 2012 at 11:01 am
Nice try at the subject-change, Congressman Ryan but we will know the details of your plans on what to do about this chair!
October 12, 2012 at 2:01 pm
That’s easy… put it in my chicken coop and let my hens finish ripping it up! I just thought it was really weird that he considers nasty old mannequin heads as having any value.
October 12, 2012 at 10:57 am
Seller would have more rattan if he had less ratón.
October 12, 2012 at 11:04 am
I swear on my life I saw this exact chair at an estate sale a few months ago. Swear. And they were selling the broken chair for less than this.
October 12, 2012 at 11:20 am
BUYERS BEWARE!!!!!
I know that many of you are seriously considering the purchase of this lovely mexican leather chair. But please read the negative feedback from the shop in question before you commit:
“Seller should stick to BOOTS not antique BEDS. Note that Seller knew length of my mattress, charged an extra $80 to lengthen the rails…The rails are 5 1/2″ too long for mattress (leaving ugly and dangerous gap between frame and mattress) and rails are not as pictured in listing (inverted rails in Seller’s listing) and this bait and switch was not made known to buyer. Bed is unusable and Seller refused Buyer’s proposal to return bed at buyer’s cost, shipping of rails back to Seller at Seller’s cost since they are not as shown on listing and do not fit. Terrible experience. BUYERS BEWARE!”
October 12, 2012 at 11:24 am
“OLD CHAIR STENCH CAUSES BUS PLUNGE.”
October 12, 2012 at 11:28 am
“BUS SNOWED IN ON MOUNTAIN PASS- OCCUPANTS BURN PIECE OF SHIT CHAIR TO STAY WARM FOR ABOUT 2 MINUTES. ALL DIE FROM COCKROACH FECES INNHALATION.”
October 12, 2012 at 11:29 am
inhalation. grr.
October 12, 2012 at 11:34 am
No, innnnnnnnn- hell-action
October 12, 2012 at 11:37 am
Reminds me of the scene in Romancing the Stone, the one with the pot and the fire and the Doobie Brothers.
October 12, 2012 at 12:06 pm
Worst bed & breakfast ever!
October 12, 2012 at 11:35 am
Wouldn’t it be easier to pay someone to haul your old shit away?
Oh, wait….
October 12, 2012 at 11:42 am
But it’s so much more fun to put it on a bus and be napped on and wiped with drifter’s boogers for the next 1500 miles and delivered to an unsuspecting idiot! The Free Market is awesome! Fuck yeah!
October 12, 2012 at 11:50 am
Are you kidding?!!
Do you know how many busses that wil take?
October 12, 2012 at 12:43 pm
This chair may be old but it ain’t antique. I’ll bet you a peso you can buy these anywhere in Mexico. And they wouldn’t be broken.
October 12, 2012 at 1:02 pm
Oh, sweet, Esty math!
“antique” chair = $30
shipping BY BUS = $60
self respect = $00 (cause if you had any…)
—
$90!!!!!
Or, you could pry the not-too-bad leather from the useless frame and sell the now smaller and lighter package. But that would require effort.
October 12, 2012 at 2:37 pm
I have some chairs placed in my village house, and are more than 25 years old having the same design with cane work and leather coating. Its not looking an ancient design but seems to be a sort of carelessness. Its not a big talk to restore them.
October 12, 2012 at 8:40 pm
Yes, that chair sure is a big talker….
What?
October 12, 2012 at 5:51 pm
Not everything becomes antique. Sometimes old broken shit is just old broken shit.