FROM THE MAILBAG
FROM: Laura
So, I just came across this act of brilliance. Here’s what they say about it:
“Look what Bellissimo Java is now doing …. PERFECT GIFT IDEA !!!Chocolate covered Champagne , Wine, or Coca Cola or glass baby bottles !! If it’s glass. we can cover it and you can eat it later !!!”
Seriously? Isn’t this against health code regulations?
My favorite part is that they went around the juice label. Classy.
PEOPLE WHO LIKED CHOCOLATE COVERED BOTTLES ALSO LIKED
• Peanut butter stuffed tampons
• Jello salad with shredded utility bills
• Graham cracker crusted cigarettes
• Frosted textbooks
• Hollow chocolate Easter Bunnies filled with screws
BONUS:
September 25, 2012 at 1:31 pm
BECAUSE I LOVE TETANUS
Seriously, this is hilarious. I think I want to go dip my glass bowl in chocolate now.
September 25, 2012 at 1:34 pm
I just realized now by reading this that the word anus exists in tetanus. Regretsy, putting the anus in tetanus since 2009
September 25, 2012 at 1:35 pm
So…this is butt soap?
September 25, 2012 at 1:37 pm
It’s all butt soap at one point, isn’t it?
September 25, 2012 at 1:42 pm
hopefully…
September 25, 2012 at 4:48 pm
My ass hurts just thinking about that.
And now I’m imagining the Batman/Brokeback Mountain crossover deleted scenes involving this soap. “WHY SO SERIOUS? LET’S PUT A SMILE ON THAT FACE!”
September 25, 2012 at 6:39 pm
and who was it who recently posted that they were afraid HK would run out of material to poke fun at?
SEE THIS POST
September 25, 2012 at 2:05 pm
But if you clean the cut with soap, does that make you less likely to get tetanus?
September 25, 2012 at 1:32 pm
You know, they make chocolate wine if you want that ‘best of both worlds’ thing.
http://chocovine.com/
September 25, 2012 at 1:46 pm
I’ve bought that, it tastes kinda icky. >_<
September 25, 2012 at 1:52 pm
Kinda icky is a major understatement.
September 25, 2012 at 2:55 pm
It’s one of those things where you say, “this looks so bad that it must be good.” Except it’s not.
September 25, 2012 at 5:32 pm
My thought was “This looks like a horrific idea. It has to either be insanely good or insanely bad. Conclusion: wait until some other poor sap I know tries it and see if they die.”
September 25, 2012 at 3:19 pm
Oh, I thought it was just me that didn’t like it. I don’t like red wine, though I do love chocolate. I didn’t think it was a good blend, even though getting drunk on chocolate is a major goal of mine.
September 25, 2012 at 3:36 pm
Buy some Godiva chocolate liqueur then. Much better and over ice it is divine. Mission accomplished!
September 25, 2012 at 6:16 pm
I had some Godiva liquor. Then I made the mistake of having family and not locking the liquor cabinet.
God-damnit.
September 25, 2012 at 3:40 pm
If you like bourbon I can help with that.
You need resses type molds, melting chocolate powdered sugar, and butter.
Mix about 6T of butter with 3lbs of the sugar (I think it’s 3lbs says a box) Paint your molds with chocolate and let set. Typical bourbon ball recipe then says add 1/4 cup bourbon, I start with that, taste it, splash more in mix it up, taste it, every 3rd time I mix it up take a shot, and repeat process till mouth goes numb. Fill little cups about 3/4 of the way full of filling, seal with more chocolate, and set in fridge to set up. I then add a pecan on top. Guarantees a Merry Christmas every single time.
September 25, 2012 at 4:51 pm
I did find some delicious dutch chocolate/red wine liqueur once…we expected it to be vile, but it was good! Not in the least tasting of frat girl pussies on Valentine’s, as one might expect.
September 26, 2012 at 3:00 pm
I know what I’m making this Friday!
September 26, 2012 at 3:58 am
I saw it in the grocery store and threw up a little in my mouth. Choc + wine looks a lot like pureed liver.
September 25, 2012 at 6:15 pm
Around Christmas, they make the wine guy at my Wegman’s shill this stuff. He looks like he’s in pain as he’s forced to offer it to people, and pretend like it’s not fermented Yoohoo.
Even worse is when someone tries it and loves it, then buys a case. Then, he looks like he’s trying to figure out if that hose he has will reach from his exaust to his driver-side window.
September 25, 2012 at 6:57 pm
you said Wegmans…..
September 25, 2012 at 6:58 pm
[gets melancholy from another state]
September 25, 2012 at 7:39 pm
My mother refused to shop at Wegmans when we live in NYS….it was TOPS baby….
September 26, 2012 at 10:56 am
Wait, your Wegman’s sells WINE?
… I was about to throw a hissy fit but then I remembered that I HATE buying beer at Wegman’s. Their carding policy is so ridiculous it makes me want to cry. If I so much as make eye contact with the person behind me at the check out line they have to get carded. So stupid.
September 30, 2012 at 10:28 pm
I have to admit, I haven’t tried this guy’s stuff yet, but I’m quite curious about his version of Chocolate Wine–he at least makes it *sound* delicious. http://www.shallon.com/
September 25, 2012 at 1:32 pm
Beautiful embedding technique on that soap. Give Grandma the gift that keeps on giving, this Christmas… Tetanus, it’s all the rage.
September 25, 2012 at 3:07 pm
Only if she is suicidal…
September 25, 2012 at 3:20 pm
They could corner the market on rusty razor blades embedded in apples for those pesky trick-or-treaters at Halloween.
September 28, 2012 at 3:28 am
Already happened.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S5hgsE3mBBQ&list=SP68D3EA026F069409&index=3&feature=plpp_video
September 25, 2012 at 1:33 pm
Yeah, cause nothing can go wrong that soap.
September 25, 2012 at 1:35 pm
I am more disturbed by the hideous wine bottle than the soap. Barf
September 26, 2012 at 4:01 am
That bottle looks like someone painted it with their feet.
September 26, 2012 at 7:23 am
With their feet? If only!
September 25, 2012 at 1:46 pm
It’s the soap you hand to someone when you want them to drop it.
September 25, 2012 at 10:30 pm
Or a great birthday gift for the suicidal obsessive-compulsive in your life.
September 25, 2012 at 1:33 pm
I think the razor soap makes a great gift for your loved ones in county jail or the state pen, though. But you gotta make sure it’s not CLEAR soap for god’s sake.
September 25, 2012 at 1:34 pm
SURPRISE
RAZOR BLADES
September 25, 2012 at 1:54 pm
And make sure you remember to tell them it’s in there. Unless you want to buttcut the guy who knows your full name and who will eventually get out of said jail.
September 25, 2012 at 3:21 pm
Of course. It just has to be opaque enough to pass inspection as you go thru the prison gates.
September 25, 2012 at 5:33 pm
Nah, I think they use metal detectors. My friend’s dad is a lawyer and he has a horrible time getting in because of the metal plate in his head, and he has a card with his X-rays on it.
September 25, 2012 at 5:35 pm
You can use multipurpose!
September 25, 2012 at 1:33 pm
umm don’t want to wash with this soap.. EVER. Although, it would be a great face soap for men.. can get your face clean and shaved at the same time.
September 25, 2012 at 4:11 pm
It’s multipurpose.
September 25, 2012 at 6:33 pm
Not just for men…for ANYONE who wants to rid themselves of all that unsightly body hair. Smooth as an androids bottom.
September 27, 2012 at 11:40 am
I prefer my Jonathan Frakes bearded.
September 25, 2012 at 1:36 pm
Chocolate covered champagne – Double the Valentine’s Day gift with half the thought!
“Thank God I don’t have to remember champagne AND chocolates anymore!”
September 25, 2012 at 1:36 pm
I’m going to make some horseradish caramel in my bathtub & dip my dog in it. $100 & he’s yours…
September 25, 2012 at 3:46 pm
I was seriously more disturbed by the soap than the chocolate dipped bottles until I read this.
Now the whole mess just makes me want to ralph.
September 25, 2012 at 1:36 pm
I’m pretty sure that soap was a key plot point in season 5 of Oz.
September 25, 2012 at 1:36 pm
That wine bottle looks just as appetizing and makes as much sense as the iPhone case the other day. All it needs is a couple of rhinestones and a glittery something that makes no sense and we’re set on go.
September 25, 2012 at 1:52 pm
The iPhone case has the overwhelming advantage of not being made of real food.
September 25, 2012 at 1:54 pm
But it said nom nom nom on it! What do you mean it wasn’t real food??!!
September 25, 2012 at 2:46 pm
motherfucker…now you tell me. How long will it take to pass?
September 25, 2012 at 5:57 pm
Are you on T(urd) Mobile?
September 25, 2012 at 1:36 pm
I think the soap is cool. After all, it’s supposed to be decorative. The chocolate covered bottle is just gross. And awkward. How are you supposed to eat it? Gnaw at an angle? What is it with crazy people covering everything in chocolate? I would like to see photoshops of that actually.
September 25, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Here’s another question…if they’re going to go to the effort to dip the bottle in chocolate, carve out the label, and even monogram the thing….don’t you think they could at least put something besides cheap curly ribbon on it?
September 25, 2012 at 1:56 pm
I don’t think they are dipping and carving, I think they are just slopping it on with a brush. Cheap curly ribbon fits perfectly with that.
September 25, 2012 at 2:01 pm
Weird idea? Sure. Renders both the chocolate and the bottle difficult to actually use? Okay. Lots of people successfully sell oddball, impractical ideas. But it’s just so badly executed I actually feel a little bad for the maker.
September 25, 2012 at 3:51 pm
I could almost appreciate the chocolate-covered bottle if it were dipped instead of slapped with a dirty barbecue brush. At least it would be smooth.
I guess when you chill the champagne, the chocolate gets brittle and can be broken off and eaten. I guess. I’ll just stick with the Dove Promises, thank you.
September 25, 2012 at 4:29 pm
I work at a high end candy store where we sell fancy-schmancy truffles and candy bars, and the idea of chilling chocolate to the point of it being brittle has been trained and ingrained into my soul as a sin up there with scaring baby bunny rabbits.
If you put it in the fridge, or worse and ice bucket (gasp!) you get the sugar separating and coming to the top leaving the rest of the bar waxy and gross tasting. Blech! And how are they even planning on shipping this thing? 0______o Chocolates be delicate bitches!
September 27, 2012 at 10:00 pm
Admission: When I was a young person and going through some Terrible Times ™ I discovered Dove Promises. They actually cheered me up enough that I stopped using the razor blade soap for a little while.
Sometimes any little scrap of positive energy helps. Especially wrapped around chocolate.
September 25, 2012 at 2:17 pm
Please love the shitty “photoshop” I just made for you.
September 25, 2012 at 2:23 pm
I’ll contribute my shitting photoshop also:
September 25, 2012 at 2:53 pm
What’s that you say? More shitty photoshop? Okay!
September 25, 2012 at 3:24 pm
You guys fuckin’ rock!
September 25, 2012 at 10:22 pm
September 26, 2012 at 12:40 am
September 26, 2012 at 4:06 am
How can anyone use this bottle? Seriously, if you try to pour it, you’ll stick your hand in chocolate. Then who’d want to eat it after people’s hands have been all over it? Not to mention it looks like dull blooming old chocolate that’s been the fridge since Easter. Just nasty.
September 26, 2012 at 7:24 am
You just scrape the chocolate off the bottle. The soap can help.
September 25, 2012 at 1:37 pm
I am glad to see they saved the props from Two Girls One bottle
September 25, 2012 at 1:37 pm
Also, I like how the chocolate covers the foil so that you can get little pieces of metal stuck in your throat.
September 25, 2012 at 1:56 pm
Well you know what they say: nothing wets the appetite for chocolate covered shards of glass more than chocolate covered pieces of metal.
September 25, 2012 at 1:37 pm
That soap is a great way to tell if your boyfriend washes his junk or not. If he comes out of the shower freshly circumcised, you know he’s a clean one.
September 25, 2012 at 1:57 pm
If I could thumbs-up you a thousand times I would.
September 25, 2012 at 2:02 pm
Please. You’re mistaking it for the opaque version.
September 25, 2012 at 3:07 pm
I and every guy who read that post just winced.
September 25, 2012 at 5:36 pm
I winced, and I’m not a guy.
September 25, 2012 at 1:40 pm
That soap….. It disturbs me greatly that the fucktard behind this knows about things like hydrophilic properties and oxidation, and yet doesn’t realise that nobody in their right mind would use rusty tetanus death soap.
September 25, 2012 at 2:03 pm
And it amuses me greatly that this comment comes from someone with your nickname
September 25, 2012 at 2:21 pm
You underestimate the force of dollars controlled by people without right minds…
September 25, 2012 at 2:35 pm
That might have been a typo. I think they meant hydro-phallic properties, as per Hurricane’s brilliant circumcision apprisal…
September 25, 2012 at 4:33 pm
I want you to name all my products for me.
Rusty Tetanus Death Soap is also a good band name.
September 27, 2012 at 1:29 am
Would the blades oxidize, though? I thought you needed exposure to oxygen for that to happen, and the blades are sealed into the soap.
September 25, 2012 at 1:42 pm
Doesn’t matter if the blade is rusty in your shank, so that shouldn’t affect sales.
September 25, 2012 at 1:44 pm
Those soaps are perfect Christmas gifts for all my Borderline Personality friends.
September 25, 2012 at 1:47 pm
Soap for pubes ?
September 25, 2012 at 1:47 pm
Surely a chocolate-covered glass bottle is more dangerous than the clearly-a-threat-to-American-safety Kinder Egg!
September 25, 2012 at 1:50 pm
I sense there is a story behind this. Are Kinder Eggs some kind of terrorist threat?
September 25, 2012 at 1:58 pm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kinder_Surprise#Prohibition_on_sale_or_import_into_the_United_States
Yes, yes there IS a black market for Kinder Eggs in the US.
September 25, 2012 at 2:12 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
September 25, 2012 at 2:16 pm
Oh my word. I’ll have to wake my boyfriend up and show him this. He won’t believe me if I just tell him that they’re banned.
September 25, 2012 at 2:20 pm
Please friends. Thumb down the previous incorrect version.
September 25, 2012 at 5:41 pm
Where is this black market and why can I never find it? I’ve only had one Kinder Egg, but I’ve been mildly obsessed with finding more. Largely because I can’t have them I think.
September 25, 2012 at 7:21 pm
My local Ukrainian Orthodox church sells them at their Christmas bazaar?
September 25, 2012 at 8:40 pm
There’s also some sort of stick-shaped version without a toy… for when you don’t want any fun, you’re just craving that…er… good good Kindersurprise taste (!)
September 26, 2012 at 1:55 am
Are you saying I can resell?
September 25, 2012 at 2:30 pm
Apparently they reveal that Americans are not smart enough not to eat the non-edible parts of a confection.
September 25, 2012 at 8:26 pm
As someone who did/could eat Kinder Surprises, I always thought eating the confection was just an annoying formality to get your TOOOOOY! (Unless it was a sh1tty puzzle)
September 26, 2012 at 3:50 pm
It’s not like it’s very MUCH or even very GOOD chocolate….
I just like to imagine someone shoving the entire damn egg in their mouth at once, and the horror/dismay when they realize they’ve ingested….NON-NUTRITIVE OBJECTS.
September 25, 2012 at 1:48 pm
I’m a little upset that they don’t have chocolate-covered PBR cans in stock.
September 25, 2012 at 1:49 pm
The ‘cover ALL the inedibles with chocolate!” thing is something a friend and I did once while cheerily intoxicated on a variety of wondrous substances.
There was a chocolate fondue set and a drawer full of cutlery … It made sense at the time.
Now you’re telling me we could have sold the whole idea to some wedding planners? Fucking internet.
September 25, 2012 at 1:50 pm
People who like glass inside chocolate and razors inside soap also like getting rid of the kids by whatever means possible.
September 25, 2012 at 2:29 pm
Darwin just doesn’t work fast enough, you know? Sometimes he needs some help.
September 25, 2012 at 5:43 pm
Now I have this lovely picture of Darwin-directed evolution.
September 25, 2012 at 7:32 pm
Now I have a picture of Newton telling everything how and where to fall down. Dammit!
September 25, 2012 at 1:55 pm
“A perfect gift for the suicidal compulsive hand washer in your life.”
September 25, 2012 at 1:55 pm
That soap looks like something that would be sold at Hot Topic for the emo-kids.
September 25, 2012 at 1:59 pm
If it was at Hot Topic the blade would be plastic. Those bitches aren’t serious.
September 25, 2012 at 1:56 pm
I like a guest soap that says “you’ve overstayed your welcome.”
September 25, 2012 at 1:57 pm
Well, at least you’ll be clean for your trip to the ER!
September 25, 2012 at 2:26 pm
And, since the soap is with the blade, you are much less likely to suffer the inconvenience of bleeding out without knowing it. Safety first!
September 25, 2012 at 2:02 pm
Wash the emo way..
September 25, 2012 at 2:04 pm
Since there is no more alchemy on etsy, can we now just have a “WTF” category? ‘Cause that was my first thought. And my second. WTF.
September 25, 2012 at 2:07 pm
It’s perfect for the kids on Halloween. No-one will come back to your door. Ever.
September 25, 2012 at 2:08 pm
I admit I am pretty much tasteless, useless and brainless for the most part.. but I like that soap. Does it come chocolate- scented?
September 25, 2012 at 5:45 pm
Why not just get that bar chocolate-covered. Best of both worlds.
September 27, 2012 at 7:30 am
If you request chocolate scented razorblade soaps when you checkout, I will make it smell like chocolate. -Lisa
September 25, 2012 at 2:15 pm
Can you imagine what these edgy douchelings give away on halloween.
September 25, 2012 at 2:34 pm
Yep, they’re probably reviving the old razor blade in the apple:-p
September 25, 2012 at 2:17 pm
Just what I need. Now my kids can develop a drinking habit by gnawing on the bottles first.
September 25, 2012 at 2:24 pm
I feel like we could make a party game out of the soap. Wash your hands and pass until somebody gets tetanus. Kind of like Russian Roulette. You know, fun.
September 25, 2012 at 2:50 pm
In Soviet Russia it’s the soap that gives you tetanus.
September 25, 2012 at 2:27 pm
“Matt, we never do anything romantic!”
“What about that time I got that chocolate covered glass bottle, and we both awkwardly held it together and licked it? I thought that was pretty romantic.”
September 25, 2012 at 8:27 pm
Damn, now I have an internet crush.
September 25, 2012 at 2:32 pm
I still can’t get over the fact that they are warning you that the blade may rust. Like that’s the thing that should concern you.
September 25, 2012 at 5:48 pm
Well it’s much worse slicing open your abdomen in the shower with a RUSTY razor. I mean if it’s a shiny new one, the scar will be neater.
September 25, 2012 at 2:37 pm
Now that my kids are relatively grown, I sort of want to give each of them a Halloween treat bag with the razor blade soap in it. Then I can rock in my chair, dementedly chewing on a chocolate-covered baby bottle and cackle, “I told you so, I told you so, I told you so.” I’m tired of living in a real house and cooking for myself anyway. On to the Home!
September 25, 2012 at 3:21 pm
That tetanus soap looks like one of those ‘gifts that keeps on giving’. Scary.
September 25, 2012 at 4:21 pm
Razor blade soap on sale now! For decorative purposes only! Unless your goal is shave and wash your balls simultaneously before you bleed to death, then by all means!!
September 25, 2012 at 4:25 pm
Not that there is anything inelegant about a melting chocolate-spackled Welch”s grape juice bottle, but how do you pour the sparkling grape juice without looking like a kid who has been licking the frosting bowl?
September 25, 2012 at 4:29 pm
My thoughts exactly. Pardon me, guests, I now have what appears to be fecal matter all over my hands. Would you like to lick the bottle? Weirdness.
September 25, 2012 at 8:44 pm
And if you lick the bottle clean FIRST, the fizziness will get sloshed around and go ultra-fizzy, then when you open it: PPPSSSHHHT! everywhere!
September 25, 2012 at 5:35 pm
Can I get the razor coated in chocolate then embedded in the soap then coated in chocolate?
September 25, 2012 at 5:50 pm
I kinda want the razor blade soap. But without a real razor. Because I don’t want to reward stupidity by giving them money.
September 25, 2012 at 6:01 pm
I suddenly feel so inspired.
As they say, one man’s trash is another man’s treasure…
September 25, 2012 at 6:37 pm
all my thumbs to you, my friend.
September 25, 2012 at 6:54 pm
The seller’s already beat you to it:
http://fetosoap.com/shop/index.php?main_page=product_info&cPath=29&products_id=248
September 25, 2012 at 8:40 pm
Wow, I think that grossed me out more than any Regretsy post yet. Kudos.
September 25, 2012 at 8:47 pm
To be honest, by the end of the Google search for ‘used condoms’, I was feeling pretty damn queasy.
September 27, 2012 at 3:15 pm
I cannot for the life of me figure out why?
All sarcasm aside, I bow to you for being able to Google ‘used condoms’. I know I couldn’t.
September 25, 2012 at 6:09 pm
The soap seller was thinking; “For those times when using Axe Body Wash is too much trouble.” but didn’t know what Axe Body Wash really is.
September 25, 2012 at 6:50 pm
I need to get someone to make me those! I could do the bourbon tasting part but I’d fail on the candy. The Godiva liqueur sounds good, too.
September 25, 2012 at 7:05 pm
razor blade soap for those who always want to be on the cutting edge of showering.
September 25, 2012 at 8:24 pm
Coming soon from Bellissimo Java: the all-new chocolate kettle!
September 26, 2012 at 7:29 am
I was thinking about a full set of chocolate-covered silverware.
September 26, 2012 at 10:08 am
At least it’s not chocolate-covered razors?
September 26, 2012 at 11:46 am
that would be quite the diet aid.
want some chocolate? TAKE THAT, FATTY
September 26, 2012 at 11:29 am
Oh shit! I cut myself! Well, thank God this razor blade was encased in soap! I can use it to wash out the wound! Oh crap, that stings!
September 26, 2012 at 11:47 am
I’m less disturbed about the chocolate-covered bottle being a weird idea (that is sure to break apart anyway!), in that the execution is so terrible. It looks like they painted the chocolate on with a kid’s paintbrush, not to mention not tempering the chocolate right.
At least make it look good.
September 26, 2012 at 3:00 pm
I wonder if the scent of those razor blades soaps is called “Floral Lawsuit”
September 26, 2012 at 8:56 pm
Dear God WHY???
“Hey honey, what cute stuff can we put in bars of soap today?”
“I dunno, I’m kind of bored with rubber duckies and whales… what about RAZOR BLADES?”
“Hm. Should we dull them first, you know, for safety?”
“Nah, let’s keep it interesting.”
The mere knowledge that these people exist makes me want to… buy this soap. And use it.
Ah, I see what they did there.
September 26, 2012 at 9:37 pm
I guess the people who brought us “crunchy frog” and “spring surprise” got out of jail.
September 27, 2012 at 1:27 am
Y’know…I bought a bag of peanuts once where the label said “CAUTION: MAY CONTAIN NUTS.” I have seen a sticker on a ladder that explained that you shouldn’t use it on icy pavement. Fast-food coffee usually says “CAUTION: CONTENTS MAY BE HOT” on the cup.
Most companies go to great lengths to cover their asses so idiots don’t sue them, is what I’m saying.
And then there’s this person, who’s selling soap with actual razor blades in it.
I can’t even.
September 27, 2012 at 1:27 am
p.s. it would look cooler if the soap was red.
September 27, 2012 at 3:17 pm
Or smeared with red…
September 27, 2012 at 6:50 pm
Okay, I am going to admit to one of the most embarrassing things I’ve ever done. But this post makes it impossible to not finally get this off my chest.
The mention of Easter bunnies filled with screws and soap with razor blades reminds me of a time when I had a boyfriend who always preferred screwing a fleshlight to screwing his incredibly GGG and sexy g-friend, aka me. So in a passive aggressive pissy fit I filled it, it’s huge fake vagina hole, with tacks. I have no idea what happened but to this day it makes me smile to think about it.
But now I feel like somehow I’ve disparaged the glory that is the vagina.
Yep I’m sick.
September 27, 2012 at 8:29 pm
What a beautiful story.