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Teat Offensive

IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR A PAINTING OF DAVID CARUSO BLOWING UP A FADED BEACH BALL, I MAY HAVE GOOD NEWS FOR YOU

66 comments on Teat Offensive

  1. Zippy
    September 24, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    Alfred Hitchcock was adorable as a baby and his mom had some big’uns!

    Thumb up Thumb down +22

  2. upscumbag
    September 24, 2012 at 4:32 pm

    Kind of looks like a movie still of Howdy Doody getting punched by a boxing tit.

    Thumb up Thumb down +17

  3. kirstenrana
    September 24, 2012 at 4:35 pm

    I suppose this one will get milked for all its worth.

    Thumb up Thumb down +64

    • Tursiart
      September 24, 2012 at 4:40 pm

      Which is significantly less than the $2,500 asking price.

      Seriously though, where do these people come up with these prices?

      Thumb up Thumb down +28

    • Kitchen Bish
      September 24, 2012 at 4:41 pm

      If nothing else it can be offered as a booby prize.

      Thumb up Thumb down +51

    • Hostilebear
      September 24, 2012 at 11:29 pm

      HK will keep us abreast of the situation as it updates.

      Thumb up Thumb down +7

      • Mistletoe
        September 25, 2012 at 10:32 am

        Which is good because long-term mammary ain’t what it used to be.

        Thumb up Thumb down +6

  4. Kitchen Bish
    September 24, 2012 at 4:38 pm

    BREAKING NEWS: CNN discovers lost fetish porn starring Mickey Rooney

    Thumb up Thumb down +23

    • vicogin
      September 24, 2012 at 5:17 pm

      MGM made ‘Love Comes On Andy Hardy’ but never released it.
      Maybe this will create a new market for the film, so we may see it yet!

      Thumb up Thumb down +5

    • FilliamHMuffman
      September 24, 2012 at 5:52 pm
      • stars15k
        September 24, 2012 at 6:14 pm

        oh dear God…………it’s one of those things I wish I never knew about. I will have nightmares for sure.

        Thumb up Thumb down +14

      • Charitable Mafioso
        September 24, 2012 at 6:18 pm

        One of these days, I will learn not to click any links on Regretsy. What has been seen, cannot be unseen.

        Thumb up Thumb down +16

      • Kitchen Bish
        September 24, 2012 at 6:19 pm

        Oh damn, that’s just terrifying:-/

        Thumb up Thumb down +7

      • Tante
        September 24, 2012 at 6:40 pm

        I’ll wait for the book.

        Thumb up Thumb down +13

  5. Hyperventilate
    September 24, 2012 at 4:41 pm

    To me, it looks like a comet moving really fast hitting some dude in the face.

    Thumb up Thumb down +12

    • Cockamamie Jamie
      September 24, 2012 at 7:32 pm

      Now those are some serious stretch marks! And the asking price is quite a stretch too.

      Thumb up Thumb down +11

  6. reddogbon
    September 24, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    It makes me think of those adult baby fetishists.

    Thumb up Thumb down +8

  7. vicogin
    September 24, 2012 at 4:42 pm

    Somehow this manages to simultaneously blow and suck.

    Thumb up Thumb down +35

  8. reddogbon
    September 24, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    And she also offers the obligatory vag paintings, too.

    Thumb up Thumb down +9

    • docleather
      September 24, 2012 at 6:23 pm

      at least it’s not menstrual/placental bajingo paintings.

      Thumb up Thumb down +6

  9. halcat
    September 24, 2012 at 4:46 pm

    Another piece of questionable art rendered completely bizarre by the price tag.

    Also, I find there’s a little extra cringe factor when stuff like this is coming from a favorite place.

    Thumb up Thumb down +9

  10. Urethra Franklin
    September 24, 2012 at 4:47 pm

    I love how her bio says she is a classically trained artist. Where the hell did all that knowledge go?

    Thumb up Thumb down +54

    • aliceblue
      September 24, 2012 at 5:41 pm

      Does it say she was trained in painting? Perhaps she plays a great violin.

      Thumb up Thumb down +72

    • NomDeNumb
      September 24, 2012 at 9:09 pm

      Better question, where the hell did she study?

      Thumb up Thumb down +6

    • AcolyteOfCthulhu
      September 24, 2012 at 9:27 pm

      Classically trained bullshit artist, maybe?

      Thumb up Thumb down +8

    • Mistletoe
      September 24, 2012 at 10:17 pm

      Newsflash: watching Bob Ross isn’t “classical training”.

      Thumb up Thumb down +19

      • WhichWayToTheTardis
        September 25, 2012 at 3:56 pm

        I think Bob Ross lessons could only improve this travesty.

        Thumb up Thumb down 0

        • SheSaidPop
          September 27, 2012 at 1:42 am

          Yeah, the kid could be sucking on a maple syrup spigot embedded in a happy little tree!

          Thumb up Thumb down 0

  11. Shirley Knott
    September 24, 2012 at 5:13 pm

    Looks like someone blowing up a balloon.
    In a hurricane.
    In a theatrical make-up store that has just exploded.

    Thumb up Thumb down +29

  12. inmediasres
    September 24, 2012 at 5:14 pm

    Why does that baby have a cutaway face like in the diagrams of how breastfeeding should work? Either that, or he/she is going from the side, which is weird too.

    Thumb up Thumb down +9

  13. TooManyCookbooks
    September 24, 2012 at 5:16 pm

    If this is what heaven is like, thank fuck I’m a sinner.

    Thumb up Thumb down +19

  14. Kippy Moonbeam
    September 24, 2012 at 5:16 pm

    Thumb up Thumb down +63

    • aliceblue
      September 24, 2012 at 5:56 pm

      Every since the lactards began sticking their boobs in everyone’s faces I have not been able to listen to Madonna’s “Express Yourself.”

      Thumb up Thumb down +21

      • Littlemissdickhead
        September 24, 2012 at 11:36 pm

        I wanted to make nine breastfeeding jokes, but I lactate.

        Thumb up Thumb down +17

  15. chinesereseller
    September 24, 2012 at 5:19 pm

    “I wouldn’t do that if I were you….”

    Thumb up Thumb down +1

  16. maryb1009
    September 24, 2012 at 5:40 pm

    Gives new meaning to ‘toothless baby’. Looks like L. Ron Hubbard with severe gingivitis.

    Thumb up Thumb down +8

    • vicogin
      September 24, 2012 at 5:53 pm

      …and he actually was a ginger, too…
      COINCIDENCE?!?!
      I think not!

      Thumb up Thumb down +3

      • maryb1009
        September 25, 2012 at 1:07 pm

        Exactly!! haha

        Thumb up Thumb down 0

  17. Postmenopaws ™
    September 24, 2012 at 5:43 pm

    Forty inches wide. That’s over three feet.

    AND the bottom half of the… baby’s? face looks like a butt.

    I want it. Too bad we’re saving up for a car, huh.

    Thumb up Thumb down +7

  18. knitibranch
    September 24, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    I found this plate at my favorite junk shop awhile back. I was saving it for the right occasion to gift it upon some poor undeserving FJL, but this seems like a good time to share it. If anyone wants to buy it, I’ll donate the proceeds to April’s general fund of goodness.

    Thumb up Thumb down +56

    • stars15k
      September 24, 2012 at 6:19 pm

      I MUST have this plate. My kitchen is decorated with pigs and this would be perfect for my backsplash. No kidding. Let’s get this deal done.

      Thumb up Thumb down +13

      • knitibranch
        September 24, 2012 at 6:27 pm

        Stars – How much is it worth to you? I’d give it to you for free, but I want to try to milk some $ out of it for the fund. Also, I have some other pigfuckery you might like. PM me on etsy or something.

        Thumb up Thumb down +10

    • Tante
      September 24, 2012 at 6:39 pm

      WANT! How much???

      Thumb up Thumb down +2

    • knitibranch
      September 24, 2012 at 9:05 pm

      Now available for purchase, with proceeds going to April’s general fund:

      https://www.etsy.com/listing/110395156/vintage-plate-suck-damn-it-dont-blow-pig

      Thumb up Thumb down +1

    • Shirley Knott
      September 24, 2012 at 9:28 pm

      I can’t believe there aren’t other graphics that could accompany that phrase.

      Thumb up Thumb down +3

      • Zippy
        September 24, 2012 at 9:43 pm

        “I KNOW what it’s called but SUCK don’t blow!

        Thumb up Thumb down +3

  19. aliceblue
    September 24, 2012 at 5:45 pm

    I was thinking it looked like a redheaded woman with way too much lipstick doing a spit-take. (perhaps after seeing the price asked).

    Thumb up Thumb down +8

  20. alex51324
    September 24, 2012 at 6:22 pm

    Baby’s never going to get a good latch with that harelip. Mom should pump and bottle-feed.

    Also, without the post title, I’d never have figured out what this painting was meant to depict.

    Thumb up Thumb down +12

    • rushgirl2112
      September 24, 2012 at 6:54 pm

      Yeah, that was my first thought – how is that comfortable? If you’re doing it right, you don’t see the nipple, dammit! Looks like the little bugger is chewing on it.

      Thumb up Thumb down +3

      • OBadPixie
        September 25, 2012 at 3:31 pm

        Ouch! Don’t bite.

        Thumb up Thumb down 0

  21. stars15k
    September 24, 2012 at 6:25 pm

    I have never cared to either read the Twilight books nor see the movies, but the color palette of this picture seems to fit the description of a baby born to someone undead…or whatever the really stupid premise of that whole thing is.
    And both the tit and the kid look bloated. Mayhaps she should have applied glitter and expanded her target audience?

    Thumb up Thumb down +9

  22. thecreightonberyl
    September 24, 2012 at 6:55 pm

    Paul Williams inflates the Hindenburg.

    Thumb up Thumb down +7

  23. cyenna
    September 24, 2012 at 8:12 pm

    Don’t you mean, exbreast themselves?

    Thumb up Thumb down +1

  24. Mistletoe
    September 24, 2012 at 10:27 pm

    Guys, give her a break. Clearly she did this WHILE nursing.

    YOU DO BETTER WITH ONLY ONE HAND FREE AND A LITTLE BASTARD BITING YOUR TIT I DARE YOU.

    Thumb up Thumb down +10

  25. HollerAce
    September 25, 2012 at 5:22 am

    Victoria’s Leaklet.

    Thumb up Thumb down 0

  26. starvingpoet
    September 25, 2012 at 5:37 am
  27. thewritingspider
    September 25, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Just because…you live in the southwestern US…and you have some paint…does not mean that you are goddamned Georgia fucking O’Keefe.

    Thumb up Thumb down +5

  28. lio
    September 25, 2012 at 8:03 am

    she’s doing lots of weird coloured vajayjays too!

    Thumb up Thumb down +1

  29. chinesereseller
    September 25, 2012 at 7:34 pm

    I used to work in a bar where there was art on the walls. There was this enormous 5 foot square canvas with a baby’s head in purple, red, and blue. It’s mouth was open and when people sat down at the booth it was in, it looked like the baby was eating them. It was pretty creepy, but not as creepy as this painting…

    Thumb up Thumb down 0

  30. angelbuttons77
    September 25, 2012 at 7:40 pm

    Maybe it’s one of those Reborn dolls????

    Thumb up Thumb down 0

  31. Rothane
    September 26, 2012 at 12:59 pm

    Just google “St Bernard lactation” and you’ll get an eyeful of one of the weirder Renaissance themes in religious art. This is nothing new.

    Thumb up Thumb down 0

  32. aosleather
    September 29, 2012 at 12:15 am

    makes me glad i’m not classically trained :-/

    Thumb up Thumb down 0

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