From the Mailbag
From: JDM
To: Helen@regretsy.com
Date: Sat, September 15, 2012 7:25:32 PM
Subject: The Brilliance of Etsy
I have an Etsy shop, and today I was doing a little craft show in Ohio. Etsy itself was going to be there, giving presentations on how to quit your job and be successful at selling your shit there.
Anyway, the organizers put together these little “swag bags” for the artists. Etsy decided to contribute to the bag with their “Do it Yourself PINPRICK Card.”
I dump the bag out, start talking to someone and leaned on my desk. That’s when I get the excruciating pain in my hand.
Those Etsy buffoons put a damned thumb tack into a piece of cardboard so it stuck out the other side, and just threw it in a bag.
WHAT KIND OF AN IDIOT DOES THAT
September 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm
Cupcakes. Deranged cupcakes.
September 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm
That’s where the “prick” part comes in.
September 17, 2012 at 1:34 pm
marry me.
September 17, 2012 at 1:32 pm
LAWSUIT! Fucking idiots.
September 17, 2012 at 1:40 pm
Obviously they weren’t governing themselves accordingly.
September 17, 2012 at 1:48 pm
PLEASE! Class action suit!
September 17, 2012 at 1:55 pm
Neither class nor action suit Etsy…
September 17, 2012 at 2:25 pm
Pretty sure they don’t wear suits either
September 17, 2012 at 2:46 pm
But binding arbitration, eh?
September 17, 2012 at 11:33 pm
If you want binding it costs extra.
September 17, 2012 at 10:27 pm
Fools! What foolishly foolish person leaves sharp objects for fools to be fooled by? They deserve not just prosecution, but a taste of my whip!
September 18, 2012 at 12:28 pm
Thanks for the clarification. I thought it was an enema hose.
September 17, 2012 at 11:31 pm
Where’s a layer when you need one?
September 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm
I wish I knew this went on, I would’ve went and asked them really stupid questions
September 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm
The answer is the first word printed on the card.
September 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm
“Treating uninjured hand disorder since 2005″
September 17, 2012 at 1:33 pm
Well, it worked, didn’t it?
September 19, 2012 at 1:03 pm
Ok, your comment was totally funny!
But it brings up the question I can’t believe nobody asked yet: What the hell is the REAL purpose of this thing? Do people poke themselves to cure a habit, the way some self-helpers would tell you to keep an elastic band on your wrist & snap it when you think of your ex or crave a smoke or whatever you’re trying to quit?
Was it seriously 100% a prank to get people to accidentally hurt their hand? That is pretty likely illegal, so I can’t accept it as the motive, no matter how stupid hipsters’ sense of humor.
What if somebody like the goody bag filler already stabbed him or herself on the pin before the poster got poked? Could Hep or anything get transferred?
September 20, 2012 at 7:30 am
Apparently it’s this thing where you use a thumbtack to make designs…. which for some reason Etsy considers complicated enough to require a “craft kit” I guess.
http://www.etsy.com/blog/en/2011/how-tuesday-pinprick-cards/
September 23, 2012 at 4:48 pm
“3. Holding the pushpin with your thumb and pointer finger, press it through the lines in the template.”
ahhhhh. Thumb and *pointer* finger. I was doing it with both my thumbs, and the results left something to be desired.
September 17, 2012 at 1:35 pm
Even for Etsy, that’s pretty passive-aggressive.
September 17, 2012 at 1:35 pm
“How should we package these thumb tacks?”
“Oh, just stick it through the cardboard. I have to go glue butterflies to bricks.”
September 17, 2012 at 1:36 pm
They clearly hired this asshole, I mean “artist” to do the creative development for their gift bags: http://www.etsy.com/listing/107333229/vintage-large-square-nails-rusty-4-inch?ref=sr_gallery_1&sref=sr_a7bcd4fe67b80a3ef74b298804a95315e9fc71ad62469b4fa702456a49e17120_1347914090_14090183_rusty&ga_includes%5B%5D=materials&ga_search_query=rusty+nails&ga_search_type=all&ga_view_type=gallery
September 17, 2012 at 5:06 pm
I saw this in their shop http://www.etsy.com/listing/92124609/vintage-mini-brass-strike-plates?ref=correlated_featured and judging just by the thumbnail, I thought at first they were selling rusty razorblades now.
September 19, 2012 at 1:44 pm
Oh this guy’s a genius, nothing says “sell me” like rusty crap all ready to give that unsuspecting strange blood poisoning
September 17, 2012 at 1:36 pm
Take it to the BBB, lol. Just kidding, but I just filed a real complaint against them with the BBB in New York this morning…..of course, since Etsy is like the Wells Fargo of the craft world, I doubt it will matter, but I hope people start to take to a higher level when they treat them bad.
September 17, 2012 at 6:56 pm
I hate to break it to you, but the BBB does nothing. They have no power as far as getting a business to do anything. When you open a business, the BBB will call you, ask you to pay them money and if you do you get a “rating” from them. No pay, no rating. If you get complaints and you’ve paid their exorbitant “fees” to belong to the BBB they will call you, and inevitably ask for more money. They don’t have ANY authority in any sphere of business, they exist solely to collect money from businesses, to publish useless “guides” for which they require further payment from businesses and to give useless “ratings”. It’s like the parents who work as crossing guards: They *seem* like they’ve got authority, but in reality all they can do is gossip about who’s got the most ill-behaved child.
September 17, 2012 at 8:01 pm
I’m with Celticwhim. I submitted a complaint to the BBB when PayPal put a hold on my account (which I’ve had almost since they opened for business) because I was supposedly in violation of some TOS BS, then refused to accept the paperwork I sent at their insistence and gave me the runaround on the phone. It took a few days, but BBB got PayPal to release the hold and even refund me some overcharges for payments I accepted.
September 17, 2012 at 1:38 pm
Use the resulting blood smear to create new organic art for Etsy. Got any old wood around?
September 17, 2012 at 1:44 pm
Everyone who gets our swag bag will be gushing with new ideas for their art…
September 17, 2012 at 1:38 pm
Like my husband said to me on our wedding night, don’t worry, it’s just a little prick.
September 17, 2012 at 1:38 pm
JDM, did they happen to go into what you are supposed to do after you have quit said job to become a billionaire on Etsy and then they deactivate your shops for no known reason and refuse to conact you for a month while your paycheck dwindles to zero again by any chance?
September 17, 2012 at 1:40 pm
I guess if you’re busy getting a tetanus shot, your hands aren’t idle anymore?
September 17, 2012 at 2:59 pm
Hey, that’s handmade local tetanus you just got!
September 17, 2012 at 3:19 pm
They are hoping you are going to forgo the tetanus shot. Then when you get TMJ you can’t tell anyone about your horrendous experience or their terrible idea(s)
September 17, 2012 at 1:43 pm
Hey, come on. At least they took a stab at it!
September 17, 2012 at 2:55 pm
They make me want to look up and to the left.
September 18, 2012 at 6:28 pm
but is it organic? it’s certainly not cruelty-free.
September 17, 2012 at 1:46 pm
Okay, so forgive me if this is a stupid question… but what the hell is a Pinprick card anyway? I mean, what is it’s purpose? (Other than for the pricks at etsy to prick folks with pins) … Baffled here.
September 17, 2012 at 1:50 pm
Indeed. What, exactly, is this thing supposed to do/be?
September 17, 2012 at 1:51 pm
Pinprick card: http://www.etsy.com/blog/en/2011/how-tuesday-pinprick-cards/
September 17, 2012 at 2:00 pm
That has got to be the dumbest damned “craft” idea I’ve seen since the asylum stopped letting me watch Sandra Lee on the Food Network.
September 17, 2012 at 9:47 pm
But it’s very Etsy!
September 17, 2012 at 2:01 pm
Wow… I’m not sure which is worse. The fact that they have a demo on something so infantile, or the fact that etsy put together a do-it-yourself kit that is essentially nothing but a thumb tack poked through a scrap of cardboard.
Good fuckin’ night.
September 17, 2012 at 4:18 pm
THIS. This is the most retarded, useless piece of ‘swag’ ever to disgrace a swag bag. Non-cycling, indeed.
They might as well have thrown in a piece of chewed gum instead. At least you could have made a fucking doily with it, and no bleeding.
September 17, 2012 at 2:52 pm
I love how the commenters suggest that this would be a perfect craft for little kids. I bet half of the kids swallow the pushpin, and the other half perforate their classmates.
September 17, 2012 at 7:41 pm
I grew up in the Netherlands, we did a very similar craft all the time in school and for fun (this was ages 4-6 that I remember doing it, based on which school I was at.) You buy a kit that has a giant fucking awl/needle with a plastic handle, a square of thick gray felt, and a bunch of thick papers with designs on them to punch out. The idea was that it was somehow safer/easier than scissors, but mostly it was just stabbier.
I don’t think anyone in my class got hurt doing it, in the entire time I was there.
September 19, 2012 at 11:00 am
Haha! We used to do this all the time in my school. Or, at least whenever we weren’t glueing/stapling shit to other shit. It really was the go-to activity when they ran out of other stupid crafts ideas.
The worst part was when you got this giant blister on the finger the handle of the ‘prickpen’ was pushing against. Those hurt like a bitch.
September 18, 2012 at 6:08 am
I did this in the second grade, no one tried to murder each other as far as I recall. My fingers did hurt from pushing the pin through over and over though.
September 17, 2012 at 4:29 pm
One of the suggestions at the bottom of that page is that you wrap your pinprick paper around a candle.
Wrap. Paper. Around. A. Candle.
September 17, 2012 at 4:50 pm
I see that for extra injury potential they suggest you wrap the pin-pricked paper round a votive candle. Because wrapping flamable things round candles is always a good idea.
September 17, 2012 at 11:36 pm
More like a pinhead card.
September 20, 2012 at 10:29 am
They even tell you you’ll need “Blank stationary cards and envelopes” because you sure as hell don’t want the things running away from the tack.
September 18, 2012 at 6:53 pm
I was wondering the same thing. All I could think was “Damn, those special little cupcakes are sure getting mean!”
September 17, 2012 at 1:50 pm
This makes me want to start a mail-order bobcat service.
September 17, 2012 at 5:36 pm
Actually, it’s supposed to be an etsy custom designer mail order chair cupcake company.
September 18, 2012 at 7:00 am
this made my fucking day. I am putting it on the wall of weird in our office kitchen next to my pictures of Michael Jackson hugging ET and a panorama view of the stage of CATS.
September 18, 2012 at 9:14 pm
Don’t forget the handy tip in the mouseover text: “You can do this one in every 30 times and still have 97% positive feedback”.
September 17, 2012 at 5:58 pm
Bobcats are rare in my neck of the woods, but I would happily start a collective with you for mail-order rabid squirrels.
September 17, 2012 at 1:50 pm
Hey, consider yourself lucky. My bag had a BOOT UP YER’ ASS card.
- Sent from my iPhone while laying face down on a gurney in the emergency room.
September 17, 2012 at 1:59 pm
I know how to boot up my computer, but how do you boot up your ass?
September 17, 2012 at 5:50 pm
Their way of telling you that their goal is to screw you up the ass. And “quit your day job”? Yeah, “I started a pin prick shop, and am so busy poking holes in cardboard that I had to quit my day job at McDonalds. Vist my shop: (Just From Cardboard). Hear my riveting tale of blood loss and band aids!”
September 18, 2012 at 8:18 am
And the bloodstains make your work so much more authentic and charming.
September 18, 2012 at 6:32 pm
and organic!
September 17, 2012 at 1:54 pm
I think I read that package wrong. I treated the little push pin on the outside like a full stop. DISORDER SINCE 2005 seems like such a totes adorable catchy phrase for the Etsy owl mob!
September 17, 2012 at 1:55 pm
i was at this show this past saturday. trust me, pricks abounded.
September 19, 2012 at 7:20 am
Oh do tell! Did anyone ask about the resellers? or were there any particularly “Etsy” moments?
September 25, 2012 at 10:05 am
well, i hate to say that the two of the women who were on duty seemed nice, but i couldn’t get a word in edgewise to either of them, because of some third buttmunch spewing bullshit about teapot chandeliers. (that’s not a joke. that’s literally what they were talking about.) so i don’t really know. i do know they were local representatives, and not corporate.
but at least outwardly, they weren’t the most annoying folks i ran up against.
September 17, 2012 at 1:56 pm
Clearly, they’re jealous of Pinterest.
September 17, 2012 at 2:01 pm
1000 internets for you!
September 17, 2012 at 2:05 pm
Cause on Etsy blood is the only real way to convey your message…
September 17, 2012 at 2:15 pm
OUR KIND, THAT’S WHO.
Don’t suppose there was a DIY tetanus shot kit in there as well?
September 17, 2012 at 4:00 pm
nah just some ledum:
http://www.homeopathytoday.org/2011/03/homeopathic-stories-ledum/
September 17, 2012 at 2:26 pm
They just wanted to see if you were paying attention.
September 17, 2012 at 3:08 pm
This is a great way to sell handmade bandages.
September 17, 2012 at 7:45 pm
Knowing the cupcakes, it’ll likely be upcycled, repurposed bandages with antique patina.
September 17, 2012 at 3:38 pm
Time to put a saucepan on your head and LI-TI-GATE! LI-TI-GATE!
September 17, 2012 at 4:35 pm
I’m more concerned about the fact that they’re giving Etsy sellers access to sharp objects…
September 17, 2012 at 5:03 pm
Pin heads, thats who.
September 17, 2012 at 5:23 pm
Sweet jebus this e-mail was sent Sept 15 and in Ohio! Please tell me this didn’t happen this past weekend right under my nose in Yellow Springs.
September 17, 2012 at 9:41 pm
Nope, Columbus
September 18, 2012 at 3:54 pm
Even better!
September 17, 2012 at 5:30 pm
This is how the pusherpin man gets ya!
September 17, 2012 at 6:08 pm
reminds me of a song that says ” we prick you ”
is that what they meant as a substitute for pick ?
September 17, 2012 at 11:39 pm
Cardboard!! Are they kidding? Where’s the barnwood – or at lest upcycled/recyled cardboard crafted to look like barnwood? These must be Etxy imposters.
September 17, 2012 at 11:39 pm
Idle hands are the Devil’s playground; but bleeding is next to Godliness.
This would belong in a “Things learned from Etsy” collection… if only I could think of anything else Etsy had ever taught me.
September 18, 2012 at 6:05 am
this got me thinking: does anyone ever leave/get fired from Etsy? i’m eagerly awaiting the day some former Etsy employee finally wakes up from the brainwashing and comes over here as a refugee for a tell-all. i have a feeling that if you try to quit Etsy, they throw you into an incincerator and use your ashes as part of some giant craft where all former Etsy employees go.
September 18, 2012 at 7:36 am
it’s very conspicuously located in the lobby, and they make sure to point it out on the new employee tour. first they tell you exactly what it is, then they force laugh like they’re kidding but you can tell they’re nervous, then someone else walks ups, drowns the awkwardness in chirpy-ness and hands you your office bedazzling allowance. the mindfuck lasts until the drugs in the cupcakes start to work. 9 times out of 10 you’ve got a loyal employee for life, and the tenth just makes the gods of twee that much stronger.
September 18, 2012 at 8:27 am
i was also thinking one of us FJLs should infiltrate Etsy, but at the same time, i couldn’t wish that on anyone.
September 18, 2012 at 9:56 am
There’s a former Etsy minion on Twitter: @inEptsy, AKA Etsy Regretsy, blogging at http://ineptsy.wordpress.com/
September 18, 2012 at 4:12 pm
Or they have everyone frozen onsite like Torchwood does.
September 18, 2012 at 7:57 am
Went to look up the ledum link and found an advert on the page for a “tetanus shot attorney”.
MethinksI think Etsy and this attorney are in cahoots…September 18, 2012 at 9:04 pm
That’s awesome, I don’t get ads that cool on that page.
I just picked a link at random.
September 18, 2012 at 9:13 am
Curing idle hand disorder since 2005 indeed- by giving unsuspecting people the potential for a flesh eating disease to invade via that pinprick.
That’ll definitely solve the idle hand issue- they won’t have any hands!
Assholes.
September 18, 2012 at 10:23 am
I wonder if these cards were mass produced in china. If they were, can I slap a chain them and call them handmade?
September 18, 2012 at 12:19 pm
Despite the fucking stupidity of giving out concealed sharp objects for some reason I thought the actual cards looked kind of okay. It’s my dads birthday tomorrow and I thought maybe it was the kind of mindless activity that would suit my current state of mind. After hours of hard labour I have the shabbiest fucking card that anyone has ever considered giving to someone on their 75th birthday. Oh well, at least I’ve got him a bottle of pretty nice whiskey to go with it.
September 19, 2012 at 7:23 am
After he drinks the whiskey, the card will look very nice to him, I’m sure.
September 19, 2012 at 11:13 am
I’ve been selling on Etsy for years now. I can only say that I would expect no less of them. Pin pricks.
September 22, 2012 at 1:34 pm
Just a little pin prick.