Smells Like Teen Spirits
This post first appeared on Regretsy in October of 2011
An intriguing mix of tobacco and coffee that starts out strong, but after three or four showings, you’ll never see it again
Wooden and largely one note
A full bodied performer that does not translate well to other products (see “Abduction”)
September 16, 2012 at 9:37 am
These better be OOAK. You’d never trick me out of a vial of essence twice!
September 16, 2012 at 1:00 pm
Whenever I see “OOAK” I immediately wonder why the seller is referencing the Unseen University librarian. Then I notice that it says “OOAK” and not “OOOK.” Then I realize that whatever the librarian’s “OOOK” would translate into is far better prose than any Esty seller could ever come up with. Then I’m sad that I have no bananas.
September 23, 2012 at 7:02 am
Good morning. Yes the are “One of a kind” aka OOAK. Each scent is created from the books as Bella describes.
September 16, 2012 at 9:38 am
Is “Essence of Edward” Sparkly?
September 16, 2012 at 1:20 pm
You know these are all urine, right?
Also, yes.
September 23, 2012 at 7:07 am
Yes, all perfumes sparkle.
September 16, 2012 at 9:38 am
In the Essence of Edward I also noticed a slight hint of body odor and a splash of Bella.
Bella starts out bland but after a while, it starts smelling like Middle-Aged Man, desperation, and deception.
Not made for those with self-respect.
September 16, 2012 at 11:38 pm
It’s bland if you’re human.
If you’re Edward Cullen, it smells like juicy hamburgers, and you cant help but fall in love because the natural instinct of anyone is to make out with their food.
September 16, 2012 at 9:41 am
I wouldn’t mind essence of Jacob. I still want Jacob and Edward to get it on.. Am I wrong for this? Bella is wooden in the book too. You know all the twi-tards will want all three scents and end up smelling like cat piss.
September 16, 2012 at 9:41 am
I remember my childhood blood pudding scent.
September 16, 2012 at 10:02 am
I think this might be a Zen Koan. Are there any Buddhists here today? Or are they all at church? Oh wait…
September 16, 2012 at 10:28 am
When you were a child,
do not you eat blood pudding?
When the pancake,
but the dough blood?
September 16, 2012 at 10:52 am
Drank including egg with blood.
Very nutritious.
September 16, 2012 at 11:45 am
I don’t think the US Food and Drug Administration ever allowed that to be sold in our stores. They were afraid kids would grow up to be nattily dressed, knife-throwing badasses.
September 16, 2012 at 11:59 am
Well, we have some of the blood trade in food, but our family is yourself.
Blood pudding,
blood sausage.
September 16, 2012 at 1:52 pm
You guys! I think Petja might have just adopted me!! And offered me lunch!!!
Zippy-Herra
September 16, 2012 at 9:42 am
Ever wondered what lame and bland smell like (I’m assuming #3 is pure musk)? Now you can know; although I’m pretty sure that “Bella” is really just colored water.
September 16, 2012 at 9:43 am
Total fakes. The real perfumes have way more glitter than that scented lake bilge.
How dare they.
September 23, 2012 at 7:10 am
These perfumes have more glitter then the commercial perfumes. These are my own creations so yes I did dare.
September 16, 2012 at 9:51 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
September 16, 2012 at 10:43 am
“After *years* watching this *loser* site…” is a telling sentence, is it not?
September 16, 2012 at 10:44 am
You’ve waited YEARS for that? YEARS?
I’m dying to see the rest of your Bucket List.
September 16, 2012 at 11:39 am
Go bust chops on some Twilight site, Robert Pattinson. You can’t handle the fuckery!
September 16, 2012 at 3:16 pm
Sad. You all missed the point. Should I have called us the “fat-loser” site? I meant it in jest. I can, and have handled the fuckery for gladly. Even bought itmes for the charity drives. Way to be whimsicle!
September 16, 2012 at 9:56 am
“Now you too can smell like a total puss-bag, just like the stars of “Twilight”.
September 16, 2012 at 10:14 am
Why don’t I know who these teenagers are let alone hoe they smell? I feel so out of touch.
September 16, 2012 at 10:17 am
Because you identify 20-somethings as teenagers. ^.^
September 16, 2012 at 10:24 am
I’m sure you meant “hos” they smell. I refuse to accept any other alternative.
September 16, 2012 at 10:44 am
“Hos! They smell!”
September 16, 2012 at 10:52 am
looks like a new cross stitch sampler in the works.
September 16, 2012 at 11:25 am
I would be so flattered.
September 16, 2012 at 12:39 pm
You aren’t missing much. Twilight is an awful movie.
September 16, 2012 at 11:06 am
Reading this post gave me an epiphany. Kirsten Stewart is the barn-wood of the acting world. Both are overrated, expressionless, and they are often photographed with other items to make them more appealing. Also, they are both a main feature on Etsy.
September 16, 2012 at 12:14 pm
If this starts a new trend (or at least hilarious thread) of things photographed on Kirsten Stewart, I blame you.
September 18, 2012 at 8:11 pm
That is such an insult to barnwood. Barnwood has has a much greater acting range than Kristen Steward.
September 16, 2012 at 11:09 am
“Woodsy with a hint of werewolf”
I can feel the hair growing on my back already!! What a pity I have to wait two whole weeks for the next full moon!!!11!!!
September 16, 2012 at 11:16 am
Cedric used to be fairly cute. Then he caught Glitter Pox and will be this monstrosity forever more. It’s sad, really.
September 16, 2012 at 11:18 am
They left out Essence of Reneesme:
Pablum with a hint of diaper, wrapped in a bouquet of why the fuck would you name your poor child that.
September 16, 2012 at 11:19 am
Oh, whoops, it’s actually Renesmee.
JESUS HOW COULD I MAKE SUCH A STUPID MISTAKE
September 16, 2012 at 11:54 am
I think you should be more upset you knew you misspelled it.
September 16, 2012 at 4:53 pm
The only reason I found out? I went looking for an image to accompany this.
Fortunately for everyone here, the Mormon Vampire Chatroom does not allow hotlinking.
September 16, 2012 at 2:16 pm
I’m pretty sure Kristen Stewart is perpetually stoned if only to forget she was ever Bella Swan.
September 16, 2012 at 6:57 pm
Somehow, I’d expect Jacob to smell like wet dog who’d been rolling in a pile of leaves. But what do I know.
September 18, 2012 at 3:06 pm
So the first on smells like “Creepy Pedophilia Dating a Girl 1/10 his age,” “Lack of emotional range,” and the last isn’t a perfume, but is actually a new product call “Shirtless in a Bottle.”
Spray it on any shirt, and it will disappear.
September 23, 2012 at 7:11 am
I just wanted to say THANK YOU Helen Killer for this post and for the free advertising. I greatly appreciate it!
September 24, 2012 at 3:41 pm
The essence of Twilight is urine.
September 29, 2012 at 8:53 am
Grow up Mary.
February 10, 2013 at 1:19 am
I always have to remind myself that “OOAK” stands for “one of a kind” and isn’t just a stupid, “faerie” way of spelling “oak.”