Sticks and Stones
This post first appeared on Regretsy in October of 2011
As you know, Etsy does almost nothing to promote its eleventy billion sellers, because really, once you start acknowledging the people who keep you in kombucha, where do you stop? Better to just pretend your Prius came from fairies.
However they do offer two flaccid attempts at diddling you, both of which generate boring content for them! So really, lose/lose.
1. Etsy’s “Handmade Portrait”
A tedious, desaturated video showing you hot gluing shit to other shit while you talk about yourself in the smallest voice possible
2. Esty’s Front Page
A never ending carousel of overpriced blandness, sorted by color
While the portrait is a bigger payoff, they don’t make a lot of them (probably because they can only get the rights to so many Zooey Deschanel songs). So for most poor bastards, the front page is the closest you’ll get to a reach-around.
To ensure that each front page selection is thoughtfully chosen, Etsy throws some corn on a keyboard, and runs with whatever the chicken pecks out.
Here are a pair of front page stunners the Etsy chicken pecked out this week:
I know what you’re thinking. It’s a stick. Obviously, you don’t speak chicken.
This is actually a $10 reclaimed spalted maple shim hair stick shawl pin. Made from weathered wood and photographed on weathered wood, just to give it that “weathered wood” feeling.
And before you ask, yes, people really do put twigs in their hair and on their clothing. I saw it once in National Geographic. They also pay for livestock with salt.
DIY TIP: Get the look for less by rolling around on the ground at a petting zoo.
Well, now you’re talking – a couple of rocks with string on them! You can add them to your collection, provided you collect rocks with string on them. And how cool is it that the colors change depending on the light? Not too many things you can say that about!
The question is, do you want her to trim the twine or not? That’s a toughie. I mean, what if it’s too short? Then what? You can’t uncut the twine. But then again, if it’s too long it might get caught in your nose ring. Oh well! I guess that’s why she’s on the front page, and you’re just slowly drinking yourself to death.
Whatever you choose, remember that twine-covered rocks are a calming element. Just thinking about the fact that someone got on the front page with this horse shit should put you in the fetal position.
DO NOT TAKE THE ROCK OUTSIDE
September 9, 2012 at 9:34 am
The second seller is obviously banking on the They Might Be Giants statement “everybody wants a rock to wind a piece of string around.” However, they may have miscalculated by selling the string pre-wound around the rocks.
September 9, 2012 at 9:47 am
They probably sell prosthetic foreheads with real foreheads already hotglued inside.
September 9, 2012 at 1:33 pm
September 9, 2012 at 6:43 pm
Did you know the “front page on Etsy” badge is not placed on the seller’s page by Etsy? It’s put there by the seller. And anyone can put that badge on anything they sell. I asked about it in the forums once. I was told there’s “an honor system.”
REALLY
September 10, 2012 at 10:19 am
Wow… Wanna bet if anyone here did that as a test they’d be banned, while resellers are going to town and being completely ignored?
September 9, 2012 at 9:35 am
Why can’t you take the rock outside? Will it spontaneously combust? Will it discard its bonds, grow wings and fly to join its wild rock bretheren? Is it a wanted criminal?
We must know!!
September 9, 2012 at 9:40 am
Simple. The rocks suffer from advanced agoraphobia. The rocks also hoard string, but that is only a secondary condition. When the rocks’ internet connection went out, they went for a week without food.
September 9, 2012 at 12:22 pm
Since the 2nd one is on a leash, I’m not sure about that one. However the first one is clearly an naked penis and cannot go outside unless you first convo the seller about some tiny rock pants.
September 9, 2012 at 6:18 pm
If rocks get taken outside, pretty soon there will be rocks all over the place outside and who wants that? Keep in mind there will be bugs under lots of them!
September 9, 2012 at 9:37 am
I saw a front page listing for 4 striped straws with stupid tape flags on them for $6. Another $4 for shipping. I feel like I would need to charge my guests for drinks at that point. Then I’d be known as stupid stripey flag straw girl cheapass.
September 9, 2012 at 9:38 am
http://www.etsy.com/listing/92712491/navy-striped-straw-with-gold-flag << :/
September 9, 2012 at 9:46 am
stupid stripey flag straw girl cheapass
—
That was my nickname in college.
September 9, 2012 at 6:24 pm
OMG! If you had been “stupid strippy flag straw girl cheapass” in college you would have been the the one who took my virginity. The search continues…
September 9, 2012 at 9:38 am
Why is the twine already trimmed on the larger one? What if I prefer not my twine trim? And does the weed on the right come with or do you have to purchase separately? So many questions
September 9, 2012 at 10:25 am
Well, and then there’s hiring a local hipster to assemble them once you get the rocks to your house. Even if they barter in Earl Grey – who has enough of that laying around to afford an art installation?
September 9, 2012 at 9:40 am
Clearly I need to stop drawing and crafting and instead just start selling small pieces of wood and rocks wrapped in twine. I’ve been sitting on a goldmine all along!
September 9, 2012 at 9:44 am
” DON’T RUN IN THE HOUSE WITH THAT SPALTED MAPLE HAIR STICK OR SHAWL PIN MADE FROM RECLAIMED WOOD! YOU COULD PUT YOUR EYE OUT!”
September 9, 2012 at 9:45 am
My six-year-old often has sticks in her hair. I thought she was destined for life as an untamed, outdoorsy hooligan, but apparently, she’s fashion-forward. Who knew?
September 9, 2012 at 10:06 am
Maybe I can steal some of those free wood chopsticks from panda express and re-sell a set of 2 for $12.00..Call them hair bun holders. People do it all the time. Or maybe create come from work office BIC pens I can easily steal. Nerdy Chic?
..or I can just make it easy and sell the chopsticks as chopsticks with no other explanation. Front page material heading your way
September 9, 2012 at 12:32 pm
The sad thing is that the stick seller has some decent things; the wooden toy cars and cedar candles are nice and the buttons and tacks could be fun. However, it seems that the admins. pick the most embarrassing item possible to profile.
September 9, 2012 at 2:26 pm
No the saddest thing is that the stick sold.
September 9, 2012 at 6:29 pm
BIC Chic? Finally, pens for the ladies!
September 9, 2012 at 10:29 pm
Sadly, they actually exist.
September 9, 2012 at 10:14 am
I don’t need hair-sticks. That’s what my slender, graceful “Bic for Her” pens are for. Thanks, “Bic for Her”!
September 9, 2012 at 1:56 pm
Oh. To think I’ve been using them as chopsticks. how embarrassing!
September 9, 2012 at 3:27 pm
Don’t be embarrassed. Bic Pens For Her are just that: for her and all her needs. If you need chopsticks more than hair sticks, then that’s what they are (assuming you’re a her. If not, then kindly fuck off.) That’s the magic that happens when you make something pink.
September 9, 2012 at 10:09 pm
*That* must be why Pepto-Bismol makes such a great lube.
September 9, 2012 at 10:21 am
With the string around it, I think the first rock looks like a penis, but everything on Etsy reminds me of a penis so…
September 9, 2012 at 11:09 am
DAMN! (I’m 55), followed that link, started watching that Handmade Portrait” video, woke up 2 hours later! Oh well, now I know where to go if I need something to lull me to sleep.
September 9, 2012 at 11:13 am
DO NOT TAUNT ROCK ACCESSORY FOR HOME.
September 9, 2012 at 1:44 pm
Rock accessory for home contains a radioactive substance, which if ruptured, will create nuclear fallout for nine square miles.
September 9, 2012 at 11:30 pm
if you will bring the rocks I will bring the sledgehammer
September 9, 2012 at 11:14 am
OMFG! I just looked outside and noticed there are rocks in my yard! Outside! Do you think I am in danger? None seem to have string so maybe I am ok. Who do I call to check?
September 9, 2012 at 12:01 pm
So, I go to the store, get my fabric, and then spend hours cutting and tying….and these people just go out in the yard and get their Etsy stuff to sell???? What the F???
I have been misguided in my pursuit of a creative outlet….dam! I am afraid I am a fool…..Maybe, though, I could list a few of my fleece scarps….to wrap around a rock….
September 9, 2012 at 12:27 pm
Eventually, these rock, stick, leaf collectors are going to want accessories – I think you’re on to something!
September 9, 2012 at 12:19 pm
Sticks and stones can break some bones; so, which of you FJLs want to 1. hit the admins with sticks, 2. throw stones at them 3. hold the admins down while the other FJLs do 1 & 2?
September 9, 2012 at 3:49 pm
(joining the now quite crowded line to do just that…)
September 9, 2012 at 12:26 pm
According to the “the rocks” profile “each morning I teach music and movement to young children …” I though that I child with a well balanced diet just took care of “movement” naturally?
September 9, 2012 at 12:38 pm
Goodness. I guess I need to go out to my backyard and find some rocks and twigs to sell. I’ll never make it to the front page otherwise!
Or maybe I should print some names on index cards and sell those?
Also, that video. I just couldn’t. AGH
September 9, 2012 at 1:29 pm
Got clothespins?
September 9, 2012 at 2:02 pm
Oh god, those videos ALWAYS make me want to vomit.
And turn into the hulk. So I can smash everything on Etsy.
September 9, 2012 at 7:23 pm
I didn’t get a hot glue video. I got a quilt video. The stupid story was flakey but the quilts are interesting especially if he really sews them all by hand as he implies. That is a boatload of work.
September 9, 2012 at 2:10 pm
I’m so glad to get these weekend flashbacks because I think they may have induced amnesia the first time around and it’s all new again.
That ridiculous video and the icky descriptions are not helping him sell some seriously cool quilts. I have no trouble with the prices; nice to see fiber art with a realistic price tag once in a while.
September 9, 2012 at 2:17 pm
Someone needs to get the guy in the video back to his psych ward. Or maybe they filmed it in his psych ward; it does look pretty institutional.
Also, I thought we’d all learned from Horatio Cain that wearing sunglasses and turning your head to the side does not, in fact, add any drama or any interest whatsoever to any video.
Etsy is not helping my rage issues.
September 9, 2012 at 2:37 pm
I think that the next Regretsy contest of fun needs to be a submit-your-own-cosmic-bullshit video contest.
September 9, 2012 at 4:54 pm
On the subject of barnwood, Etsy has removed the Art category from the front page and put it under “Home and Garden” It is causing a huge downturn in sales for people in the Art category. It is currently a “test” so not all computers have it. Art is now invisible, as Etsy wants to barnwood everything and smother us under an Anthropologie “Home and Garden” category. There are probably 20 threads in the forums about it and Etsy isn’t saying anything. What is needed is a ruckus on Regretsy
September 9, 2012 at 11:00 pm
I suppose since a lot of my art incorporates knives and assorted stabby cutlery, it could go under “Kitchen” o.O
September 9, 2012 at 5:40 pm
why are there zooey deschanel songs?
how did we get here?
how could mark mothersbaugh, of all people, have been right?
September 9, 2012 at 7:08 pm
I pride myself on having a fairly extensive vocabulary, but I had to look up ‘spalt’ to make sure it was an actual word.
Turns out it comes from the German world spalten, which means to split. The English translation is brittle or liable to split.
In other words, you’re paying $10 for a stick that will likely fall apart after you’ve used it to put up your hair two or three times.
September 9, 2012 at 11:24 pm
I thought those rocks were at least glued to that background wood with that weed, so someone with bland taste could actually hang it on the wall. What kind of a lazy ass person buys rocks wound with twine on the internet?
That stick really bothers me. I am familiar with the concept of hair sticks, but you either need two of them, or one with two tines. Otherwise, it will just fall out of your hair. If your hair stays up with just one stick, you don’t need a stick, you have magic hair.
And how is a stick a “shawl pin?” That wouldn’t work and if it did, it would ruin the shawl with splinters.
I think whoever bought that stick was on new medication that week. That happened to my mom once. Her doctor put her on something weird, and I got a bunch of random ebay packages in the mail. One was sparkly pants, and one was the ugliest sweater in the whole world.
September 10, 2012 at 8:52 pm
A stick is a shawl pin ( researched extensively at yesterday’s RenFaire) because, if polished, it will hold two parts of your shawl together without adding splinters, unless the shawl is knit or crocheted in which cases the shawl pin will fall out into the dirt-etc when you bend over to remove stinging insects from your shoes where they have been attracted by spilled sno-cone.
September 9, 2012 at 11:33 pm
“Not a children’s toy”…what a bummer, because my 6-year old wanted this SO BAD over a Mario Wii game…the look of disappointment on his little face..I hope this seller can live with herself…
September 9, 2012 at 11:37 pm
How long does it take for “I will trim the twine on the smaller one as it is sold” to stop resorting itself into gibberish earworm, anyway? i will twim the twill on the smallish, twirl the smell of the shellfish, twine the trill … help, someone, please, send the ghost of Lewis Carroll …
September 10, 2012 at 1:36 am
I think they label them as “not for use outside” because if you took them out you would notice that they are the same as every other fucking rock out there
September 10, 2012 at 10:49 am
I do believe you’re on to something!
September 10, 2012 at 9:06 am
Whaddya mean “not a child’s toy”? If only I’d had a leashed rock when my kids were going through their phase of self-expression via putting every damn thing off the floor into their mouths, I could have saved an assload of emergency room copays. You swallowed a rock? Big fucking deal, now hold still while I grab hold of this blue floss and we’ll have it out and under the garden hose in no time.
September 10, 2012 at 10:27 am
Shawl pins are actually really useful and some of them are stunningly beautiful. The problem with this one is it’s ugly.
September 10, 2012 at 8:20 pm
W
September 10, 2012 at 8:21 pm
T
September 10, 2012 at 8:21 pm
F
September 10, 2012 at 8:54 pm
Reuse, Recycle, Repurpose! that’s what. It isn’t kindling, it’s art!
September 11, 2012 at 5:25 am
I must say I was relieved to see that in spite of constant front page exposure, the rock seller only has 222 sales in three years (not exactly “quit your day job” worthy), and not all of the sales were for rocks.