Sticks and Stones
This post first appeared on Regretsy in October of 2011
As you know, Etsy does almost nothing to promote its eleventy billion sellers, because really, once you start acknowledging the people who keep you in kombucha, where do you stop? Better to just pretend your Prius came from fairies.
However they do offer two flaccid attempts at diddling you, both of which generate boring content for them! So really, lose/lose.
1. Etsy’s “Handmade Portrait”
A tedious, desaturated video showing you hot gluing shit to other shit while you talk about yourself in the smallest voice possible
2. Esty’s Front Page
A never ending carousel of overpriced blandness, sorted by color
While the portrait is a bigger payoff, they don’t make a lot of them (probably because they can only get the rights to so many Zooey Deschanel songs). So for most poor bastards, the front page is the closest you’ll get to a reach-around.
To ensure that each front page selection is thoughtfully chosen, Etsy throws some corn on a keyboard, and runs with whatever the chicken pecks out.
Here are a pair of front page stunners the Etsy chicken pecked out this week:
I know what you’re thinking. It’s a stick. Obviously, you don’t speak chicken.
This is actually a $10 reclaimed spalted maple shim hair stick shawl pin. Made from weathered wood and photographed on weathered wood, just to give it that “weathered wood” feeling.
And before you ask, yes, people really do put twigs in their hair and on their clothing. I saw it once in National Geographic. They also pay for livestock with salt.
DIY TIP: Get the look for less by rolling around on the ground at a petting zoo.
Well, now you’re talking – a couple of rocks with string on them! You can add them to your collection, provided you collect rocks with string on them. And how cool is it that the colors change depending on the light? Not too many things you can say that about!
The question is, do you want her to trim the twine or not? That’s a toughie. I mean, what if it’s too short? Then what? You can’t uncut the twine. But then again, if it’s too long it might get caught in your nose ring. Oh well! I guess that’s why she’s on the front page, and you’re just slowly drinking yourself to death.
Whatever you choose, remember that twine-covered rocks are a calming element. Just thinking about the fact that someone got on the front page with this horse shit should put you in the fetal position.
DO NOT TAKE THE ROCK OUTSIDE