TRAVEL DAY
Howdy!
We’re on our way back from a wedding in Savannah, Georgia- where the natives have 47 different words for “humidity.” You know you’re in a magical place when you’ve been thumbing through the Schmidt Sting Pain Index to find out which insect sting hurts the most.
No idea where this guy is on the list, but we’re grateful that someone at the hotel saw fit to cover this bastard up with a drinking glass. We’ve also been blessed to be in town during the Savannah Beer Fest, which has produced a kaleidoscopic array of artisanal vomit.
But other than that, and the sand gnats, it was a deep fried slice of heaven. You can even get these at the gas station!
Hard to believe there were any left.
Speaking of Paula Deen, we briefly flirted with the idea of eating at her Bucket O’ Lard™ Diner, but were warned away by the desk clerk:
“She doesn’t even use real mashed potatoes! Someone at the Food Network needs to bust that shit wide open!”
We should be back to doing whatever the hell it is we do some time tomorrow, after the meat sweats subside.
Later, y’all!
September 4, 2012 at 8:32 am
Welcome home, and congratulations on having escaped.
September 4, 2012 at 11:04 am
Most folks can only escape through heart attacks.
September 4, 2012 at 12:12 pm
<– Or immigration.
September 4, 2012 at 8:34 am
There’s a 5XL shirt in the lower left of that photo. I can’t help wonder just how high the sizes went; think all the 6XL’s were sold out?
September 4, 2012 at 8:46 am
Yup – Paula bought them all.
September 4, 2012 at 8:59 am
Damn, cause I could really use some more 6XL shirts for my screenprinting. My regular supplier is jacking up the shipping charges again
September 4, 2012 at 9:32 am
At some point you might as well cut a head hole and 2 arm holes into a bed sheet. Just please don’t print “Sexy (anything)” on there.
September 4, 2012 at 10:17 am
You could print “Juicy” though, right? It technically wouldn’t be wrong.
September 4, 2012 at 11:53 am
You’d be amazed at how many acifi and anime fanboys and girls are looking for size 5X and 6X shirts.
September 4, 2012 at 11:53 am
*scifi, dammit
September 4, 2012 at 12:17 pm
It keeps me modest when I turn into the Incredible Hulk.
September 4, 2012 at 12:44 pm
Or it keeps you hidden when you turn into the Incredible Bulk.
September 4, 2012 at 12:44 pm
I went to Anime Expo this year, and the first day of the con they had signs all over the swag booth: “XL shirts sold out – more tomorrow!”
Way to perpetuate stereotypes there AX.
September 4, 2012 at 12:53 pm
I am completely ignorant of scifi/anime culture- why do they want huge t-shirts?
September 4, 2012 at 1:18 pm
You know how they wear Star Wars storm trooper outfits or bulky super hero costumes or really elaborate clothes but they might want to hide them as they walk down the street?
That’s not why. A lot of them don’t get enough exercise and eat too much junk food.
September 4, 2012 at 1:22 pm
I’ve always found it interesting that every picture I see of them, they’re either bone-thin or completely obese. Never anywhere in the middle. I wonder why? No joke there, honest question.
September 4, 2012 at 5:02 pm
Lots of my friends are geeks. They are all normal size.
September 6, 2012 at 10:24 pm
To Matt, I think the subculture nature of the crowd draws a lot of people with body issues on both sides of the spectrum. Not gonna lie, lots of troubled people in Nerdland, even if they don’t show it on the outside through body size. Still good people though.
September 4, 2012 at 2:37 pm
Generally to fit their larger frames. Of course, some tiny stick-figure girls also like them to sleep in, as they do tend to be comfy.
September 4, 2012 at 10:09 pm
Not beyond XL. Seriously, all that extra fabric is just shit to get bunched up and tangled. Even if you’re not a stick figure.
September 4, 2012 at 11:21 pm
But what if I am a sexy fatty and I just need to share it with the world?
September 4, 2012 at 11:49 pm
More power to ya. Regretsy don’t hate. (for that reason)
September 4, 2012 at 9:46 am
Hmmm
I do not know, what do you have XXXXL
But, but, but
http://www.dressmannxl.com/fi/index.asp?id=80301
Personally, I have now lost weight, I’ve got a waist of 128 cents
and chest circumference 144 cents
September 4, 2012 at 10:19 am
You are all that is man, any size you are.
September 4, 2012 at 5:56 pm
I’m waiting for that special episode project Runway, where a contestant grabs 1 of these 6L shirts to make a beaded evening gown.
I’m also amazed that the 6XL shirt goes for the same price as an XS (extra small). Crafty poor folks can certainly make two t-shirts out of one. Please, let some etsy craftician work the Runway magic for me!
September 5, 2012 at 2:03 am
The fabric does not normaalivaatteessa not a significant cost. And a small piece of clothing can be more difficult to do than the big one.
A small piece of clothing, small tolerances, large walk-in, large tolerances.
Some clothes marketing is a third of the total cost. Some work is a significant cost.
While the price of a large part of the roof, but, of course, also varies. Finnish study, the margin is 7-40%. The majority of women must cover undergarments, the smallest men’s casual pants, but this research is already old.
September 5, 2012 at 2:31 pm
Petja, I feel we have only scratched the surface of what we have to learn from you!
September 5, 2012 at 5:29 pm
I have a 6x teeshirt that I found from a Goodwill. It’s threes exes in excess (ho ho) of what I usually find to be non-skin-tight, and I like wearing larger clothes as they make me feel smaller. I may also just love swishy fabric but have no personal use for full skirts. I may look like a collapsed tent wearing it but damn it, it’s comfy.
September 4, 2012 at 8:36 am
I heard that simply saying “Paula Dean” adds 130 calories to your day.
September 4, 2012 at 8:40 am
I thought that you had to say it three times while looking at your dim reflection in a cast iron skillet, then you summon the spirit of a heart attack.
September 4, 2012 at 1:09 pm
A good cast iron skillet should’t reflect; I think you’re supposed to use a butter dish for that.
September 4, 2012 at 2:23 pm
Maybe the skillet has to have a liberal coating of grease on it to be reflective?
September 4, 2012 at 5:12 pm
Paula Deen cookware has the lard already fused into the pan.
September 4, 2012 at 2:40 pm
I’m thinking of what it looks like after you’re done frying breakfast a la Paula, not clean and ready to go again.
September 4, 2012 at 8:47 am
and 5 lbs to your ass.
September 4, 2012 at 8:53 am
“This meal is going straight to my vagina. That’s what girls worry about right, big vaginas?”
September 4, 2012 at 9:04 am
Republican girls, sure.
September 4, 2012 at 9:38 am
I think you mean they worry about “Big Vagina” – the conspiracy to upset our excellent status-quo, which would benefit an insignificant 51% of the world population.
September 4, 2012 at 11:19 am
Yup, Big Vagina- that shadowy cabal of multinational corporations including Massengil, Kotex, JoAnn Fabrics and the Hershey’s Chocolate Corp.
September 5, 2012 at 8:13 am
Eisenhower called it the vaginal industrial complex.
September 5, 2012 at 2:28 pm
Teddy Roosevelt called it “the man-killing pestilent hell-ditch”. Whoops, no, he was talking about digging the Panama Canal. My apologies.
September 6, 2012 at 4:57 am
Teddy also lined the walls of his library with exotic vaginas found in his travels to the far reaches of the globe.
September 4, 2012 at 10:19 am
Yeah but it subtracts 130 brain cells, so it evens out. Kind of like eating a shitload of food and then drinking Diet Coke.
September 5, 2012 at 2:33 pm
Yes, but here’s my thought on that:
Which is better? A shitload of food and a Diet Coke, or the same shitload of food and a Coke? The first is certainly fewer calories, right?
September 6, 2012 at 5:00 am
You’re right, but I was referring to the people I’ve known that house a metric shitload of food and then drink Diet Coke expecting it to somehow subtract calories from what was just eaten.
September 4, 2012 at 8:39 am
Are you on your way to Charlotte to accept the nomination for Vice President of Fuckery?
September 4, 2012 at 11:52 pm
Look out, Joe Biden, April’s comin’ to take 3/4 your job!
September 4, 2012 at 8:39 am
No story is more inspirational than that of a gal who goes from poor and healthy to rich and diabetic. Alright y’all!
September 4, 2012 at 8:41 am
and no one at the Food Network busted that shit wide open. What do those gluttonous layabouts do all day?
September 4, 2012 at 8:54 am
Food Network is just a factory cranking out ditzy bitches who can’t cook like Sandra Lee. It’s the Etsy of cooking but with slightly less glitter.
September 4, 2012 at 9:09 am
…and no barnwood. FAIL.
September 4, 2012 at 9:17 pm
I’m sure Sandra Lee has used barnwood in at least one of her “tablescapes.” But I’d have to watch the show to find out, and…NO.
September 4, 2012 at 9:35 am
Kwanzaa Cake!
September 4, 2012 at 3:27 pm
I was embarrassed for her that day. The Hanakkuh cake was almost as vile. Actually I am embarassed for her most days.
September 4, 2012 at 5:45 pm
I actually used to watch her show, but that was a few years back, when I was in the depths of a major depressive swing, and more than slightly suicidal.
September 4, 2012 at 7:28 pm
That didn’t push you over the edge? You are made of sterner stuff than I, madame.
September 5, 2012 at 4:57 pm
That which does not kill me.. Comes damned close when it’s on the Food Network at 3 in the morning.
September 4, 2012 at 9:42 am
Steamedgunk!
September 4, 2012 at 10:22 am
Crap hot-butter-gunned to other crap plus glitter-gravy!
September 4, 2012 at 3:55 pm
Probably glued with fondant; I’d rather eat glue sticks than fondant.
September 5, 2012 at 2:36 pm
Yes! Why do people make these cakes that are technically gorgeous, but taste inedible? Beautiful things can be done with buttercream.
Also, when I watch shows where they’re making fondant cakes or cupcakes, I think how much of the oil from their skin goes into that stuff as they work it by hand (which should be against health department rules because it’s not cooked, right? Right??).
September 5, 2012 at 4:32 pm
They used white chocolate on our wedding cake in place of fondant, so they could get the smoothness without using something that tasted like industrial plastic. It was fantastic.
September 4, 2012 at 10:43 am
Well, have you SEEN her tablerapes? I think the glitter quotient has been satisfied. She is the original cupcake.
September 4, 2012 at 10:47 am
Rachael Ray’s lemon sorbet!
September 4, 2012 at 11:24 am
(The first ingredient in her lemon sorbet recipe is “one pint of lemon sorbet”. Seriously.)
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/rachael-ray/lemon-sorbet-recipe/index.html
September 4, 2012 at 12:23 pm
I didn’t think it was possible to hate Rachael Ray even more, but now I do.
I joke that I wish she would come down with Tourette’s in the middle of a show. Imagine it…”Yum-o! WHORE!”
September 4, 2012 at 12:27 pm
A friend was looking at her cookware in Sears (or wherever), and picked up a saucepan. It immediately separated from the handle. The salesperson absolved him of anything, saying that it was cheap shit anyway but they have to sell it. Cripes.
September 4, 2012 at 2:42 pm
Yeah, a relative got me the 3pc set of silicon “spoontulas” she hawks. Frankly, I prefer the one I got at Walmart, since it’s more flexible, the handle’s a bit narrower to fit the hand better, and it doesn’t always look so.. greasy, regardless of how it’s washed.
And did I mention, the Walmart one cost me 1/4 of the Rachael Ray one. Blech.
September 5, 2012 at 5:46 pm
She raised my ire very early on into my acquaintence with her for trying to make ‘EVOO’ happen, while she explained what it meant EVERY FREAKIN’ TIME SHE SAID IT. What’s even the point of an abbreviation if it actually costs you MORE time to explain it than to just use the full name of what you’re abbreviating?! INEFFICIENCY.
The sorbet ‘recipe’ is not improving my perception of her pretension at all.
September 5, 2012 at 8:25 pm
Heh…and one of my issues with her overuse of “EVOO” is that extra-virgin olive oil is expensive and you shouldn’t fry in it as it has a lower smoke point than regular olive oil, plus a lot of what makes it healthier (and gives it its flavor) is destroyed by heating. It’s best used off heat, like in salad dressings or to drizzle on a finished dish for flavor. Her overuse of it seems like she latches on to it because it’s trendy, not because it’s a sensible thing to cook with. Cooking everything in extra-virgin olive oil is a waste of money. Any decent nutritionist or experienced cook could tell her that.
September 4, 2012 at 1:21 pm
Another gem is Whore’s- ahem, I mean Rachel’s “Late Night Bacon.” Go ahead, search for it on the Food Network site. I dare you.
September 4, 2012 at 1:44 pm
I took your dare & checked it out & I am …….speechless
September 4, 2012 at 1:55 pm
Thanks, Vagrarian. The bacon recipe is great! Maybe she helped write that ice recipe.
September 4, 2012 at 2:26 pm
You have got to be fucking kidding me. Just reproducing the microwave instructions for bacon and calling it a recipe? I want to kick that slattern’s ass from here to Stockholm.
September 4, 2012 at 2:44 pm
The hard thing to fathom is how the hell she’s managed to have so many different cookbooks on the market.
September 4, 2012 at 5:04 pm
That’s not even the best way to microwave bacon. Drape it over the side of a bowl, it gets crispier.
September 4, 2012 at 5:29 pm
I like that series she had where she claimed to eat on 15.00 a day or whatever and she gave the wait persons these truly crappy tips. I don’t care where you are 1.15 is not a tip for any meal.
September 5, 2012 at 2:34 pm
I am terrified of Rachel Ray. I believe she is trying to take over the world, and succeeding.
September 6, 2012 at 6:18 am
I can imagine the Food Network trying to force a brand like that on Julia Child if she were alive today. Supermarket checkout lines would have a cheesy magazine called “Going Wild with Julia Child” every month….
Nah, Julia would never have tolerated that bullshit.
September 6, 2012 at 10:32 pm
Yeah, she fought people over using her name to sell things. I’ve only just heard of Racheal Ray through this thread but looking at her Food Network page, her rigid death smile in every photograph is truly amazing.
September 4, 2012 at 9:02 am
What does Food Network do all day? Well, after lengthy research (read: flipping through the program listings on their website), it looks like they stage battle after battle over baked goods, all while trying to shoe-horn Rachel Ray into as many things as possible.
September 4, 2012 at 9:29 am
“Cry havoc and let slip the cakes of WAAAAAAR!”
- Bakespeare
September 4, 2012 at 10:56 am
I think his full name is Shakin Bakespeare?
September 4, 2012 at 11:13 am
Noted author of:
“Ass, You Like It”
“The Tempuraest”
“Twelfth Course”
September 4, 2012 at 11:22 am
Let’s not forget “More Hamlet” and “Oleo and Julienne”.
September 4, 2012 at 12:28 pm
I forgot, they’re crediting Bacon with some of these.
September 5, 2012 at 5:53 pm
I need to get around to his lesser-known works, like “Ojello”, “Meringue of Venice”, and “Love’s Labor’s Frosting”.
September 4, 2012 at 4:09 pm
Need that recipe for Julius Caesar salad. It should go great with that recipe from Macbeth
“Eye of newt, and toe of frog,
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,
Adder’s fork, and blind-worm’s sting,
Lizard’s leg, and howlet’s wing,–
For a charm of powerful trouble,
Like a hell-broth boil and bubble.”
September 4, 2012 at 5:53 pm
I saw a recipe like that in “Big Macbeth” but all the ingredients were really ‘pink slime’ and it was prepared in a deep fryer. Would you like that “Super-Sized’?
September 4, 2012 at 5:54 pm
Does that come with the never-ending breadsticks, or do I have to order those seperately?
September 4, 2012 at 7:01 pm
“Tell me where is fancy bread.
For to shove into my head.”
-”The Munchies of Venice Beach”
September 4, 2012 at 11:40 pm
@PaganChick
Your have to ask for a side order of fried Turks’ nose and fingers of birth strangled babes. However you do get free Tartars’ lips sauce!
September 5, 2012 at 5:01 pm
@Aliceblue
Sounds a bit heavy. Perhaps I’ll just have the salad.
September 5, 2012 at 12:13 pm
This reminds me of the Reduced Shakespeare Company’s “Titus Andronicus as a cooking program”:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhiv70hBZ08
September 5, 2012 at 2:40 pm
Bam!
September 5, 2012 at 4:36 pm
One of my favorite Bakespeare quotes, much like “Now is the icing of our discontent…”
September 4, 2012 at 10:31 am
…and for some reason have The Pioneer Woman pretending to cook. You wanna laugh until you spew, check out: http://www.pienearwoman.com/
September 4, 2012 at 10:56 am
I don’t know if I should scroll down, but “Getting Screwed Over By A Famous Blogger is an HONOR Goddammit” was lovely.
September 4, 2012 at 11:43 am
What this I’m looking at? It’s a friggin’ riot.
September 4, 2012 at 12:42 pm
bookmarked & TY!!!!!!!
September 5, 2012 at 10:20 am
>>Thank you<< for introducing us to one of the best sites around, and also for introducing me to the actual Pioneer Woman as well whom I didn't know before.
Well ok, the second part of the sentence was a joke. The actual Pioneer is one of the downright consistently dumbest things I've ever seen online. Probably ranking somewhere between youtube comments and 9gag comments. Thank you for expanding my horizons both directions.
September 4, 2012 at 9:41 am
They’re super busy creating amaaaaayzing new taste concepts out there. You’ll want to print this one out for future reference.
http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/follow-that-food/nutella-and-toast-recipe/index.html
September 4, 2012 at 9:44 am
It doesn’t explain how to get the Nutella out of the container – FAIL!
September 4, 2012 at 9:46 am
Expert tip: I use my tongue. Saves time.
September 4, 2012 at 10:09 am
I’m going to need to see you after class this afternoon….
September 4, 2012 at 2:00 pm
Have you read the reviews for late night bacon? They are almost as good as the bic pen for women
“Hey Ray Ray! I loved the recipe, but thought it needed something to be a late night meal. Could you please post your recipe for toast? I’d like a recipe for a glass of milk as well, but I don’t think I could do all that in one night.”
September 4, 2012 at 2:10 pm
“Five stars because, well, it’s bacon.
Minus four stars because, well, it’s not a frickin’ recipe.”
September 4, 2012 at 4:15 pm
If it’s going in a cookbook you should include this too!
September 4, 2012 at 4:16 pm
Crap.. this http://www.seriouseats.com/talk/2010/07/boiled-water-recipe.html
September 4, 2012 at 6:09 pm
My younger sister once managed to burn that “dish”. And a good portion of the kitchen, with it. We used to worry about her survival, until she married a guy who liked to cook.
September 6, 2012 at 8:57 am
I used to know a guy that actually started a fire in his kitchen boiling water! WTF? How does one manage to do that! Someone needs to email that link to him!! Unbelievable, but astoundingly true
September 4, 2012 at 8:40 am
That’s a velvet ant. I hate those goddamn fuckers.
September 4, 2012 at 8:51 am
Those motherfuckers are evil! Impossible to kill and hurt like a son-of-a-bitch. In my neck of the woods (Alabama), we call them cow ants. Also, I just learned that’s not even a fucking ant! It’s some kind of hell-spawn wasp.
September 4, 2012 at 12:39 pm
Here’s something else to ruin your day:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Japanese_giant_hornet.
September 4, 2012 at 9:24 pm
“The Japanese honey bee, however, has a defense against these attacks. When a hornet approaches the hive to release pheromones, the bee workers emerge from their hive in an angry cloud formation containing some 500 individuals. They form a tight ball around the hornet that acts like a convection oven when the bees vibrate their wings to direct air over their bodies, warmed by their muscular exertion, into the inside of the ball. The interior temperature of the ball rises to 47 °C (117 °F). The hornet can survive maximum temperatures of 44–46 °C (111–115 °F), but the bees can survive up to 48–50 °C (118–122 °F), so the hornet is killed and the bees survive.”
Holy fuck, that’s awesome.
September 4, 2012 at 8:53 am
found this on wiki
“They are known for their extremely painful sting, said to be strong enough to kill a cow, hence the common name cow killer or cow ant is applied to some species.”
HOLY FUCK BALLS!
September 4, 2012 at 9:09 am
And they can sting you through your shoes. True story.
September 4, 2012 at 9:20 am
That is if you consider a flip-flop a shoe, which everyone does, of course, at least in Texas.
September 4, 2012 at 9:24 am
National dress?
September 4, 2012 at 9:39 am
No thanks. Just gimme a beer and a gun and I’ll be good to go.
September 4, 2012 at 12:11 pm
Just don’t take your gun to town.
September 4, 2012 at 1:05 pm
LOL, Mom. ;-x
Your Billy Joe’s a man. I can shoot as quick and straight as anybody can, but I wouldn’t shoot without a cause. I’d gun nobody down.
September 4, 2012 at 1:36 pm
When I lived there, everyone called them “thongs”, which was confusing for a bit.
September 4, 2012 at 1:38 pm
That was supposed to go under #33. The posts are showing up in weird places again…
September 4, 2012 at 2:41 pm
Kinda add to the manic ambience, though.
September 4, 2012 at 9:47 am
How is it there are still any mammals left in the South? Are they all just colonies of bugs assuming various forms? I think I’m on to something… Oww, I just got bit. Ohgod ohgod ohg-
September 4, 2012 at 9:49 am
They can’t kill cows. They hurt like hell, but are definitely not deadly. Unless you are allergic to bees/wasps, then you’re screwed.
The female is always wingless and the male is usually several times larger than the female and it’s winged. After mating the male will pick up the female and fly around with her looking for grasshopper eggs and ground nesting bees. The female eggs her eggs on gasshopper eggs or in ground-dwelling bees nest. The immature stages are parasitiods on those groups.
They are parasitoid on bees and grasshoppers.
September 4, 2012 at 9:58 am
that’s good to know…still…if the sting makes a cow even feel like its dying I don’t want it near me! Now I’m all itchy and looking around my yard. EEEEEEK
September 6, 2012 at 6:54 am
They’re most likely to be found out west or in somewhat sandy soil. Eastern ones are usually a combination of red and black. They wildly vary in size even with in the same species, but usually between 1 inch and 1/4 inch. Western ones tend to be black and whitish/yellowish, with much longer and less dense hair. (They kind of look like thistle fluff.)
They’re not all that rare, but you’re not likely to just run across them.
(And they’re solitary. They don’t have colonies like true ants do. You aren’t likely to find more than one at a time.)
September 4, 2012 at 10:50 am
On the Schmidt scale, velvet ants are around a 3.
One of the ironies is that although Mutillidae stings hurt far more, their venom is almost 30 times less toxic than the average honey bee.
September 4, 2012 at 11:21 am
I consider that proof that Satan is real. Evil is alive and a force in the world.
September 4, 2012 at 12:04 pm
I blame evolution. Which, for some, is giving Satan credit.
September 4, 2012 at 10:52 am
I almost picked one up once when I was with my kids because I thought it was so pretty. when I found out what it was I almost died. I guess they like to kill yellow jackets and stuff, but their stings are very painful
September 4, 2012 at 10:53 am
When I told our friend, she was like “oh yeah, cow killers! they HURT when they sting!”
September 4, 2012 at 2:05 pm
But why does a velvet ant need an XXXXL tee shirt?
September 4, 2012 at 2:27 pm
When it gathers up the whole colony and assumes (fat) human form to walk among us and steal our sugar!
September 4, 2012 at 7:43 pm
Indeed it is. I hate them too.
September 4, 2012 at 8:40 am
Every photo I have ever seen of Paula Deen looks like it was taken just seconds before she unhinged her jaw and devoured the photographer.
September 4, 2012 at 11:56 am
Somebody with photoshop and animating skills, please MAKE THIS HAPPEN.
September 4, 2012 at 8:41 am
Savannah – the city where Livin’ Large was coined.
September 4, 2012 at 8:41 am
I’ve never heard of the term “FIRST QUALITY” before. Is that some sort of Bangladenglish? Or is it like Grade E meat, where the “E” stands for “excellent” (read in Dr. Nick’s voice from the Simpsons)? Is first quality in fact BETTER than finest quality? So many questions and not enough answers.
September 4, 2012 at 8:51 am
I assume it is the opposite of “factory seconds” which are slightly damaged items sold at a discount.
September 4, 2012 at 9:39 am
Then there’s “factory thirds”.
Those come pre-stained with Cheetos and tv remote grease.
September 4, 2012 at 9:43 am
Finally, a job my roommate could be satisfied with – making factory third t-shirts in 5XL.
September 4, 2012 at 9:51 am
Factory fourths come wadded up and thrown in your face with a shirtless man outside being arrested by COPS.
September 4, 2012 at 10:25 am
Having factory fifths every night is how you end up wearing a 4XL t-shirt.
September 4, 2012 at 11:22 am
Big boys, big boys, whatcha gonna do…
September 5, 2012 at 4:40 pm
Whatcha gonna do when they sit on you?
September 4, 2012 at 8:48 am
That’s a “Cow Killer” or Velvet Ant though oddly enough they’re not even an ant, but a wasp. The females, are wingless. They’re not aggressive, only the female stings, but she can of course sting multiple times. It’s said that it’s sting is painful enough to kill a cow, hence it’s nickname. They making a screaming/squeeking sound when distressed. They’re pretty neat little bugs! We have them here in Virginia. I don’t recommend ever stepping on one barefoot!
September 4, 2012 at 8:53 am
Only 4XL?
Oh, America, how you let me down!
September 4, 2012 at 9:05 am
Oh, just take a gander to the bottom left. That 5XL should help.
September 4, 2012 at 9:17 am
If it’s any consolation, that’s from the Petite Children’s section of the gas station.
September 4, 2012 at 9:24 am
5XL – phew!
September 4, 2012 at 9:53 am
It’s nice to see porn sharing their left-over Ex’s.
September 4, 2012 at 6:09 pm
otherwise known as circus tent.
September 5, 2012 at 6:18 pm
“I bought you a dress.”
“You bought me a… tent.”
“What are you looking for?”
“The Russian circus – I think it’s still in here!”
Speaking as someone who prefers 4x shirts, I once had a 7x teeshirt and that mofo was a tent of dreams, dude. Completely awesome for sleeping in.
September 4, 2012 at 8:58 am
The red velvet ant is really a wingless wasp, not that you fuckers care.
September 5, 2012 at 2:46 pm
This is what bugs me about entomologists.
September 5, 2012 at 3:49 pm
Whatever it is, it has ruined red velvet cake for me for all time.
And by “all time”, I mean “until tomorrow dessert”.
September 4, 2012 at 9:06 am
I just love it how all y’all think the south is nothing but humidity and bugs… Oh Wait…
September 4, 2012 at 12:33 pm
Don’t forget the possums, armadillos, and feral hogs. The velvet ant-wasps look intimidating, but the fire ants are a lot worse. They are everwhere down here and downright vicious.
September 4, 2012 at 2:34 pm
If you are FROM the South, I would pay money just to hear you say “feral hogs”.. Before I met someone from BatonRouge, I’d never heard ’5h*t’ pronounced with four syllables..
September 5, 2012 at 5:24 am
Well, up in East TN, it would be “furl hawgs”.
September 4, 2012 at 2:41 pm
I refuse to take credit for fire ants. Any bugs from the rain forests are not to be blamed on the south. The mosquitoes, we’ll cop to those.
September 5, 2012 at 5:22 am
My husband didn’t believe they actually lived around here, until we saw one in a horse paddock. What was truly disturbing is the size, we could see it crawling about 15 feet away, and still easily recognize that it was a velvet ant. *shudder*
September 4, 2012 at 9:28 pm
Hey, even I, the lifelong West Coaster, know it’s not just humidity and bugs! It’s snakes, too!
September 5, 2012 at 4:42 pm
Snakes. Why’d it have to be snakes…
September 4, 2012 at 9:08 am
There are few things us southerns take more serious than food….guns and politics tie for a close second. I can understand the frustration that our queen of fried doesn’t use real taters!! What kinda mess is that….might as well use Kraft mac&cheese.
As for the humidity and biting bugs, that’s why is southern ladies love hairspray! The right kind of spray and you could enter the pi kappa alpha wet tshirt contest and your hair never move! Plus that cloud of aerosol keeps the biting bugs at bay!
September 4, 2012 at 9:36 am
AMEN.
I nearly peed my pantaloons when I read she doesn’t use real potatoes. Sorry, but down here, that’s treason. Now granted, I even LIKE tater flakes, but I’m pretty damned sure she charges you as if they were homemade!
And yes, velvet ants (read: wasps) suck. Haven’t ever been stung by one, and hope I don’t. And be sure to avoid the yellowjackets. I got a single sting and my damn arm ached for 3 days. It was horrid!
September 4, 2012 at 9:50 am
Fucking yellow jackets make me lose my mind. I accidentally punched a nest through a window once. BIG MISTAKE.
September 4, 2012 at 7:32 pm
I want to hear this story!
September 4, 2012 at 9:08 pm
Hah! WELLLLLL… My brother had just moved out, so I was alone in the house for another month before I moved out. Naturally, this is when the yellow jackets got together and decided to build nests on both sides of the front door. I was terrified to leave, terrified to come home. No one wanted to help me. Anyway, after a fierce week-long battle, of which I was clearly losing, I took a peek outside the window (from the “safety” of the interior of the house) in which nest #2 was attached to see if the damn wasps were dead yet. I had sprayed them. I had sprayed them good, damnit! AND YET THEY LIVED! I got mad and thought that maybe if I flicked the glass they would fly off out of fear. Funny thing is, I guess I didn’t realize how angry/insane I had become because my whole fist went right through the glass. I ran, covered in blood, and picked up my cat and we fled to my bedroom where I called my dad to tell him the stupid thing I had just done. Luckily, not a single yellow jacket sting!
September 5, 2012 at 12:05 am
I dub thee, Hellveaux! (Hellboy + Laveaux?)
September 5, 2012 at 7:34 am
My boyfriend would love that. >;D
September 4, 2012 at 12:38 pm
Your forgot FOOTBALL.
September 4, 2012 at 9:13 am
We ate at the Paul Deen Buffet in Harrah’s in Tunica, Mississippi (a whole ‘nother story). The first thing we were asked by the hostess was “Smoking or non-smoking?” My wife said, “What year is this?”
September 4, 2012 at 9:16 am
I’m not making that up.
http://www.harrahstunica.com/casinos/grand-casino-resort-tunica/casino-misc/paula-deen-detail.html
September 4, 2012 at 9:35 am
1) I am so bummed you’re on the east coast and we couldn’t talk you into coming to North Carolina, the east coast Crown Jewel of Fuckery.
2) Watch out for the earwigs. those little fuckers are the bane of my existance and damn near impossible to kill. Protip – smashing with your shoe, picking up with a tissue and flushing in the toilet doesn’t work in most cases.
3) All joking aside, Savannah is a beautiful city, and I hope you guys have a great trip!
September 4, 2012 at 9:38 am
I often wonder what those tiny people (many of them children) in third world countries think about when they work in factories to make giant clothes for Americans? Do they envision a nation full of size 6x people? Probably cant even imagine.
September 4, 2012 at 9:42 am
A nation of Macy’s Day parade floats.
September 4, 2012 at 10:15 am
I bet every now and then they put as many of themselves as possible inside one shirt and parade around demanding diet rice. And they laugh and laugh and laugh. Then one kid takes it home to make an awning.
September 4, 2012 at 1:14 pm
I be some of them take one home so their whole family can have a new home. Including goats and chckens.
September 4, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Next year you’ll be able to visit the poor shanty towns around those factories and see acres and acres of Ronmey/Ryan 2012 “tents”. The first win for “trickle-down”!
September 4, 2012 at 10:29 am
Maybe they think that Americans are SOOOOO wealthy that we can afford to clothe our farm animals.
September 4, 2012 at 9:49 am
That little guy is known as a “cow killer”! They are so mean that they don’t even like each other. Very painful bite.
September 4, 2012 at 10:05 am
Vinny wants to know how it is Paula got her mashed potatoes made so fast if they weren’t instant. Were they MAGICAL mashed potatoes????
He’s asking for his cousin.
September 4, 2012 at 10:09 am
You’ll have to pry the butter (and syrup and pancakes) out of my cold, dead, arteriosclerotic hands.
September 4, 2012 at 10:17 am
So is it just regular t-shirts, or did they have wife-beaters too?
You’ve got to watch the sizes though. A Bangladesh 4XL is about the same as a regular large around these parts.
September 4, 2012 at 10:31 am
In the Chernobyl area, a 4XL indicates that the shirt has 4 head-holes.
September 4, 2012 at 11:04 am
There is a soviet Russia joke somewhere in there…
September 4, 2012 at 11:08 am
We really should pour some vodka out for Yakov. If we mention him enough, he might get some work, which I’m sure he desperately needs.
September 4, 2012 at 11:07 am
“I Have 4 Mouths, And I Must Not Scream For Ice Cream”
September 4, 2012 at 10:32 am
Glad you had fun…
That bug is a “cowkiller” and they hurt like a mo fo.
Oh, and the mash potatos thing… Gordon Ramsey was recently outed for using frozen <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1171004/Theyre-freshly-prepared-Ramsay-defends-use-boil-bag-ready-meals-restaurants.html" title="reheated entrees" in his restaurant as well…
September 4, 2012 at 11:29 am
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September 4, 2012 at 11:11 am
As someone who grew up in Georgia and still lives in Georgia, I found this posting amusing. I lived in Thunderbolt, GA right between Paula’s Dinre In Savannah and the Oyster House on Wilmington.Both would make a true southern woman spit. As for the 4XL, it is a huge fad (althought it has been going for several years now…) for the dirty south hiphopp community and wannabe thugs to wear these grossly oversized white tees. You rarely see really fat people wearing them. It is usually a 6’5″ 195 lb black dude with a grill.
September 4, 2012 at 3:30 pm
Yep. I live in Savannah and agree with the wannabe thugs wearing the white tees.
September 5, 2012 at 1:20 pm
*Waving at you from Penn Waller*
Yes indeed–I’d never eat at Uncle Bubba’s or Paula Deen’s. I do remember eating her sammiches when I was a kid–my mom worked at a bank downtown. They were good. But her restaurant? Naw.
I hope you enjoyed yourself. I actually chose to move back home to Savannah after living in many “more enlightened” locales in the US and abroad (big eye roll). Why? Because it’s about the prettiest place I know, with delicious food, a more than decent amount of culture and history, and the water/beach is wonderful.
September 5, 2012 at 1:21 pm
And by you, I mean Ms. Killer, not askme or ginnski, of course.
September 10, 2012 at 2:40 pm
I lived on Wilmington Island as a teenager. My first job was at the building now known as Uncle Bubba’s – back then it was Snappers and it was great. Haven’t eaten at Uncle Bubba’s. Ate at Lady & Son’s once and was not impressed.
September 4, 2012 at 11:21 am
Where’s Anthony Bourdain when you need him?
September 4, 2012 at 1:09 pm
Hanging out with the cool kids and having fun.
September 4, 2012 at 7:00 pm
aka chain smoking and drinking the cooking sherry while listening to the Ramones. If a culinary artist could ever be called punk as fuck it is in fact Anthony Bourdain. Paula Deen however is the mother of myocardial infarction.
September 5, 2012 at 5:45 pm
And then there’s Andrew Zimmern, who’s always eating cooked dick of some kind.
September 6, 2012 at 5:07 am
In England, it’s called “Spotted Dick”.
September 6, 2012 at 5:08 am
In America, “Spotted Dick” is called “Gonorrhea”.
September 4, 2012 at 11:41 am
Meat sweats! YUMMY!
Save a slice from Bronc for me, HK!
: D
September 4, 2012 at 1:07 pm
I think Lady Gaga relaxes around the house in her meat sweats.
September 4, 2012 at 11:56 am
It’s a travel day for April, so it’s a travel day for us.
September 4, 2012 at 12:09 pm
Don’t be hatin’ on Savannah! It’s a lovely city if you overlook all the tourist trap crap! You can get some of the most amazing seafood there. Yeah, it’s all fried, but it’s delicious.
September 4, 2012 at 11:19 pm
Fried *BUT* delicious????
I must repeat. Fried *BUT* delicious????
O.o
September 5, 2012 at 12:08 am
Does not fried = delicious? Or does my life = a lie?
September 5, 2012 at 1:20 pm
Good point.
September 4, 2012 at 12:14 pm
So did you get a chance to enjoy some boiled peanuts from the side of the road?
September 4, 2012 at 12:46 pm
When my husband and I were still dating he took my strictly Northern ass down to meet his parents in rural Florida. One of the first things they did while driving us to someplace or another was pull over to a nice, rickety wood stand and get a bag of boiled peanuts for me to try.
After that I was a little scared to eat anything else down there, for fear it would ALL taste like soggy, dirty garbage.
September 4, 2012 at 3:55 pm
They must not have been the fancy kind!
September 4, 2012 at 5:56 pm
“Now with even more Mustache!”
September 5, 2012 at 4:26 am
So there’s a “fancy” way to boil things? I never knew.
I guess you put a mustache and glasses on each peanut and then boil them, resulting in a remarkably different flavor than if you just boiled them without costumes.
September 6, 2012 at 2:41 am
I thought fancy was an adjective? so it refers to the peanuts and not the boiling? :p
September 4, 2012 at 4:18 pm
Nasty, nasty yes, and they put them in their coke (RC of course) but they make up for it with their biscuits!!
September 4, 2012 at 5:07 pm
What? You don’t put the boiled ones in Coke.
September 4, 2012 at 11:47 pm
I defer to you a.d. – I was probably running away from the sweet tea so fast that I didn’t look closely at the peanuts.
September 5, 2012 at 10:39 pm
You put any kind of peanuts in Coke?
September 6, 2012 at 10:32 am
Yes! You know those little tube-shaped bags of salted peanuts you can get at a gas station? Just open that up and pour it into your Coke. (Preferably the glass-bottled kind.) It’s wonderful!
September 6, 2012 at 9:01 am
Aww, man! Boiled peanuts & beer! Frogs legs! Now, I miss Georgia!!! Love me some boiled peanuts & beer!
September 4, 2012 at 12:15 pm
JOIN REGRETSY
Travel to exotic, distant lands (vicariously)
Meet exciting, unusual people (through their crafts)
And mock them (unless they don’t suck)
September 4, 2012 at 12:47 pm
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September 4, 2012 at 12:59 pm
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September 4, 2012 at 1:07 pm
haha! Love these guys.
The first cow killer I added to my collection my brothers caught for me with their hands and a water bottle. They didn’t know what it was. (Well, I thought it was funny.)
The males are pretty, too. Stingless and winged, with black/red patterning rather than red/black.
September 4, 2012 at 1:08 pm
That God-awful thing under the glass is a velvet ant, and I’m betraying my southern roots with that revelation. And it’s actually a stinging wasp. And it crunches when you crush it. Yep, that’s what passes for entertainment where my family comes from. Sooooo glad they left before I was born.
September 5, 2012 at 7:44 pm
they sound like quite a bug not to mess with, or tick off for that matter.
September 4, 2012 at 1:27 pm
Thank you so much for today’s earworm.
Still, I think I’d prefer an earworm to that godawful velvet ant. That is the stuff of nightmares.
September 4, 2012 at 1:27 pm
Oysters are pretty touch-and-go as it is…I’m not sure I want to buy some from someone named “Uncle Bubba”.
September 4, 2012 at 2:39 pm
♫ I wish I was in the land of cotton
5XL is not forgotten
Look away, look away . . .
September 4, 2012 at 3:30 pm
Yep, I live in Savannah and none of the locals eat at Lady & Son’s (Paula Dean’s restaurant).
September 5, 2012 at 12:37 pm
Yes, but why?
September 5, 2012 at 9:11 pm
Because you have to wait in line for hours to get put on the list, and the food isn’t anything special.
September 5, 2012 at 9:15 pm
I should say, or so I’ve heard that about the food. I haven’t been there myself, because of the first reason. And I trust the judgment of those who have. It’s really just a place for tourists and Paula Deen fans. I did go take pictures of people standing in line, once. They looked like butter devotees, and like their feet hurt.
September 6, 2012 at 5:10 am
Probably tough to tell at a glance, but I bet their arteries hurt pretty bad, too.
September 4, 2012 at 5:57 pm
I hope you tried the 4 Southern Food Groups:
Deep Fried
Pan Fried
Batter Dipped
Barbecue.
Ideally, all in one meal.
September 5, 2012 at 8:25 am
You can buy an entire men’s outfit in size Holy Fuck at any major truck stop. If you’re at a Flying J you can get a denim button down shirt with the sleeves already torn off. For some reason they’re always next to.the Denny’s.
September 5, 2012 at 12:02 pm
The plus size clothing also offers the crafty Paula Dean fan a place to store extra butter packets and dipping sauces concealed within the folds of their many layered garb
September 5, 2012 at 12:58 pm
I am pregnant and having a major aversion to butter. Just the thought or sight of it makes me gag. I honestly get the same reaction to Paula Deen’s face.
September 5, 2012 at 5:18 pm
So that’s where butterface comes from!
September 5, 2012 at 4:09 pm
My mom is from Savannah and freaking hates Paula Deen. Apparently she isn’t the only one.
September 5, 2012 at 4:31 pm
Damn it, April! I’m coming to Savannah THIS weekend for my very first roller derby bout! You could have come and watched girls on skates beating the crap out of each other. Then you would see we’re not all redneck yokels!
September 5, 2012 at 6:02 pm
Derby devils are gonna whoop yah =P
September 5, 2012 at 9:10 pm
Where’s the venue? I’m in Savannah and that sounds like fun.
September 6, 2012 at 6:50 am
http://www.savannahderby.com/
You can find all the matches for the local savannah derby team on their page =D They also have a facebook and what not. Most home matches are at the civic center
September 5, 2012 at 6:03 pm
Noooooooooo you were heeeere I live in Savannah I could have given you like a bucket of free Coldstone Icecream
September 5, 2012 at 6:10 pm
I’m sorry your change of planes in Atlanta was so short.
Could you smell the DragonCon attendees from 30,000 feet?
September 10, 2012 at 2:45 pm
Watch who you’re callin’ stinky. I didn’t stink all weekend!
September 6, 2012 at 8:51 am
I miss Club Fuckery.
Oh wait, I found my meds. Better now.
September 6, 2012 at 9:56 am
Those of us who grew up in the South are well acquainted with the velvet ant. Some of us more than others. I got stung by one as a kid, and I remember it as being more painful by far than any other I’ve experienced. Also, those fuckers have a seriously long stinger. Apparently, they rate a 3 out of 4 on the Schmidt Sting Pain Scale, which means I hope to hell I never get stung by a tarantula hawk.
September 6, 2012 at 10:35 am
That’s weird, I grew up in Alabama and never heard of them. The only ants we worried about were fire ants. I guess it wasn’t native to my part of the state…?
September 6, 2012 at 11:46 am
OMG – A RED VELVET COW KILLER!!!!! Speaking as someone who grew up in the South (and is shocked every day I haven’t come down with West Nile since I’m a mosquito magnet), I’ve only seen two of those little guys in my entire life – Once in GA and once in NJ, of all places.
September 7, 2012 at 10:03 am
I have been bitten by one of those velvet ant bastards out in Colorado… fairly certain sawing off my own leg would have made the pain more tolerable.
September 10, 2012 at 2:48 pm
So weird. I lived in Savannah from 8th grade through graduation and I have never heard of a velvet ant. I’m not much of an outdoors kinda person, but the first summer I lived there, I rode my bike everywhere, played in the woods and swam in creeks. (I still swim in creeks when I get back there.) But I also never had any red bugs, so while I am a mosquito and horsefly magnet, maybe stinging bugs don’t like me. Stinging nettles, on the other hand, once was enough for me. Ouch!!
September 16, 2012 at 6:03 pm
anything else i had to say about being from the south or whatever was lost when i saw someone had left the bug under the glass.
I work in a pub. in the summer we have a big outside area where the locals can sit topless in direct sunlight and drink themselves stupid for at least 12 hours a day. they create a LOT of glasses. when we go to collect these we are often overworked and understaffed and we collect as many as possible in one go because we’re in long sleeve black tops and are doing enough foot traffic as it is.
so of course everyone decides to trap the fuckin wasps in the fucking glasses.
either man the fuck up and kill it once you have it or man the fuck up and ignore it. trapping it just pisses it off and the poor suckers that have to clean the glasses get all the stress from the angry bug. I may have to pay for commercials to air durring prime time about this. augh.