Sailor Trouble
- This post first appeared on Regretsy in October, 2011
Last week, I posted the following request from a Regretsy reader:
From: Lulubelly
Subject: SailorTrouble
My friend’s birthday is in mid-November and I need some assistance with my gift plan.
Years ago we “invented” a game we call SailorTrouble. It involves drinking (naturally) and playing this game — with the added stipulation that every time you hit the Pop-O-Matic dice roller you must swear like a drunken sailor. It’s not as much fun as the sailor trouble we got up to when we were young, but it keeps us from wandering away from the house while the children are sleeping.
I found a portable version of the Trouble game, and I want to make a SailorTrouble rule booklet that includes several pages of swear words. Do you think you could enlist your cabal of cunt flapping snot floggers to assist with this fuckery?
I am sincerely your devoted goat blower,
Lulubelly
If there’s two things I love, it’s creative profanity and birthday presents. And the very idea that some crap-cradling suckpuppet figured out how to blend the two into a big fuck-filled tiramisu… well, it made me piss my Underoos like a shit-flinging wank monkey.
So I asked you to post your most imaginative cursing into the comments, and we’d allow Lulubelly to help herself.
Well you certainly came through. 1,170 comments worth, to be exact, each more disturbing than the last. But then, this is what happens when you have such a vast readership of chunder huffing colon spankers.
Lulubelley has compiled her favorites into a booklet, which she’s made available to our readers as a pdf. She’s carefully arranged your spew into such categories as Family Fun Night, International House of Profanity and Swearing like Shakespeare.
For all you dolphin-fondling bream reamers not up for the effort, I have made smaller pages for your review. Click the images to see a bigger version and leave a comment.
Keep pumping that sponge, seasquirt!
- Download the booklet cover pdf here
- Download the booket pdf here
August 25, 2012 at 3:51 pm
Fucking cheers for the total arsy titwankery contained above.
August 25, 2012 at 3:55 pm
I fucking hate profanity.
August 25, 2012 at 3:56 pm
I think this book should be passed out on every street corner as a common courtesy. Then maybe people will stop using ‘fuck’ every other word in their sentences.
CREATIVE SWEARING! THE REVOLUTION STARTS NOW!
August 25, 2012 at 4:24 pm
Whenever I hear someone repeatedly using “fuck” to the exclusion of all other swear words, I tell them to get a thesaurus. Now I can hand them one.
August 25, 2012 at 11:17 pm
I can’t stand it when people tell me not to say “fuck” all the time. It’s fine for a creative game, but I don’t need to sound like I’m at a RenFair to curse. This one hippie that lived with my friend used to tell me I needed to expand my swear vocabulary and be “more creative.” So we started the tradition of adding “fuck” to swear-based expressions that contained a different swear. Such as: bullfuck; are you fucking me?; oh Jesus H. Fuck!…you get the idea.
August 25, 2012 at 3:58 pm
I propose making micro-printed copies of this (similar to the compact OED) to distribute to anyone who hauls out the hoary old chestnut that using profanity displays a lack of imagination.
(Also, “Hoary old chestnut” could be penciled into the Family Fun section.)
August 26, 2012 at 2:04 pm
My hoary old chestnut is deeply offended that you would be hauling it anywhere!
August 25, 2012 at 4:06 pm
Holy shitburgers, Batman!
August 25, 2012 at 4:06 pm
I routinely use this when I need to swear. HK and Regretsy in general have taught me new words.
OOH! Neil Armstrong just passed away. With all due respect to a great man, tragicrafting will begin immediately. Anyway–a couple of chavs were saying he hadn’t landed on the moon. I called them ignorant assholes, they called me a cock-munching Canadian slag, and I called them micropenes and told ‘em to show respect. It was good times. Either way, I sort of enjoyed their insult; it’s got a rhythm to it.
August 25, 2012 at 4:15 pm
This might be the best thing I ever read.
August 25, 2012 at 5:06 pm
Blow it out your Fox Hole, you Doocy Krauthammer!
August 25, 2012 at 5:18 pm
I’m not gonna lie, the insult that made me laugh the hardest was “Bill O’Reilly”.
August 25, 2012 at 5:29 pm
Oh, cod prodding puffin fluffer. I want to be Captain Haddock.
August 25, 2012 at 5:39 pm
This will be in all the Teaching Assistant offices.
Just doing my part to help relieve stress.
August 25, 2012 at 5:44 pm
The Québécois French is grossly under-represented. Sales putes (dirty whores).
August 26, 2012 at 2:34 pm
Tabarnak! (tabernacle) I’ve taken to translating that one back into English and yelling “Tabernacle!” when a curse is required. It works just as well in English.
August 25, 2012 at 6:03 pm
Sharing is fucking caring, you twat-twiddling bitches.
I know what I’m doing tonight!
August 25, 2012 at 10:09 pm
I feel the need to find a way to apply these to Hunker Down: the Hurricane Season drinking game…
August 25, 2012 at 6:25 pm
I lost it at “free range soylent green”
August 25, 2012 at 6:40 pm
I like the sailors on the cover. Nice gay couple.
August 25, 2012 at 7:34 pm
I know “fuck” is vastly overused but I still love the oldie but goodie: Fuck You You Fucking Fuck. I have this sticker on my Volvo and it really confuses people…or maybe it’s my technicolor hair, anyways….
August 25, 2012 at 7:45 pm
I felt really nasty the day Helen first posted the original request, and immediately rallied at the opportunity to invent creative profanity. I spent hours coming up with nautically themed insults and expletives. When she made this follow-up post, she quoted not one, but two of my colorful phrases. I was absolutely giddy with delight. That plankton-spanking orca porker sure knows how to brighten a girl’s day. I’ve never made better use of my creative writing degree.
August 25, 2012 at 9:37 pm
It was a fun game, wasn’t it? I laughed like a loon for an hour after I wandered away from the computer for a few days.
August 25, 2012 at 7:59 pm
I’m devastated that my shittily spelled Latvian cusses will not make the list. Should anyone care: dirsvetz (old ass geezer, male only) dirsvetsen (old ass hag, female only,) pizda (pussy or cunt,) dirsa (ass.) Please note, these are horrible phonetic spellings and I am far too lazy to Google the correct characters to spell them right. Thanks for reading. Please get back to your regularly scheduled debauchery.
August 25, 2012 at 8:03 pm
Let’s have a Kiki.
August 25, 2012 at 8:06 pm
http://youtu.be/VOz1uSLXMDM
August 25, 2012 at 8:22 pm
It’s only missing:”half breed son of an Indian squaw raised on hocakes” – quote by John Adams
August 25, 2012 at 8:58 pm
My 2 all time favourites, well 2 OF my all time favourites have to be “fuck-knuckle-bicky-bonehead” (you say it all run together as one word) and “sluttybuttfuck”. Ah good times!
Also, I am sorry to hear that the author, was traumatised by the Blue Waffle too…….I can’t bring myself to Google anything, the trauma is still too raw! Some clown-fucking tit grabber tricked me into googling that – never again you blue-veined penis puppet!!!!
August 25, 2012 at 9:34 pm
nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
August 25, 2012 at 9:35 pm
is my response to highlighting blue waffle, right clicking, and selecting “search google”
August 25, 2012 at 9:39 pm
Remember this lesson. I still haven’t looked up blue waffle. I promised myself no more links after goatse.
August 25, 2012 at 10:36 pm
Very wise Toilet Trained, very wise. Goatse was what started the threads of my sanity unravelling and blue waffle just shredded the fucker beyond repair!!
August 26, 2012 at 1:19 am
Can someone delicately explain the blue waffle, because I’m afraid to click but my imagination is not coming up with anything. Come on, BostonCreamy, don’t let your suffering go to waste.
I also never did find out what a lemon party was, but the curiosity there is not so great.
August 26, 2012 at 5:49 am
Urbandictionary.com
August 26, 2012 at 6:23 am
Okay, say there’s a puddle in a driveway with faded lumpy asphalt that’s now bluish in hue, and because it’s in a driveway, it’s oily and therefore has a surrounding of opaque rainbow tones at the edges. Put all that on a bloated, fungal-housing vulva. And there is your nightmare.
August 25, 2012 at 9:28 pm
Aw, I’m pissed I didn’t see this in time to get my contribution in, which is the term “fucktwat.” As in my ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend is a Neo-Nazi Hitler Youth fucktwat who’s vice president of the BC Law Federalist Society. Not that that’s a real thing I came up with or anything. Just thought it up out of nowhere.
August 25, 2012 at 9:55 pm
Twat waffles on a fucking jesus cracker. I swear, a lot.
August 25, 2012 at 10:04 pm
‘Your Vagisty, Queef of England’ is a personal favorite.
August 25, 2012 at 10:15 pm
LMAO! Love that one! I have a friend who calls me “PauleenyVaginee” and I call her “ClaudeenisPeenis”. And holy shit stains on Jesus’s undies, we swear a fucking butt load too!
When my 13 year old told a dickwad asswipe who was giving us shit, to “FUCK OFF YOU CUNT!!!”, I was filled with horror and I must admit, grudging pride! LOL! NOT that I encourage her to fucking swear, cos I fucking don’t.
August 25, 2012 at 10:26 pm
DON’T GOOGLE BLUE WAFFLE! I read the last one, thinking, “Hmm…What is that I wonder?” I can’t unsee that.
August 25, 2012 at 10:34 pm
No, burt, you can NEVER unsee that, no mind bleach can remove it. Oh fucksticks, I can see it in my mind ARGHHHH! OUT, DAMN YOU! OUT!!!
August 26, 2012 at 12:53 am
For someone who apparently said “fucking dammit” at the age of two while finger painting my swearing should have evolved further than it has in the intervening 28 years. I shall be inspired by this list to reach new heights of profanity.
August 26, 2012 at 9:10 am
A lot of these sound like yummy names for a meal, and it’s making me kind of hungry
August 26, 2012 at 11:25 pm
pickled cuntle fish taco.. nom nom nom…
August 26, 2012 at 11:24 am
My lovely just-turned-thirty daughter is the best creative cusser I know. I don’t know where she gets such a spoogalistic talent.
August 26, 2012 at 11:54 am
Arschgesicht, Sausack, Deine Eltern sind Geschwister, ArschlochWichserHurensohn (Assface, pigs bollocks, your parents are siblings, Assholewankersonofabitch- this one needs to be said in one word for the full impact… Germans are lovely really), twatface, proddy cunt, Hun, curva (Polish, I believe),prašič, kreten, pizda (Pig, asshole, cunt in Slovenian)… I am linguistically gifted when it comes to swearing and ordering drinks.
August 26, 2012 at 12:35 pm
can i have permistion to print this out and take it to pirate events like seadogs, and tortuga, and washed ashore and the like with me? maybe hand out one or two? to estemed piratical leaders?
August 26, 2012 at 12:51 pm
What an epic day that was. My ribs ached for for hours after each time I checked the thread. I was thinking about going as a festered ass barnacle for Halloween that year but I didn’t think I could pull it off.
August 26, 2012 at 2:09 pm
Ooooh, bream reamer,
I believe you can get me through the night…
August 26, 2012 at 7:29 pm
OK, now the original lyrics are forever gone from my head.
August 27, 2012 at 10:12 am
But the melody remains. FOR FREAKIN’EVER.
August 26, 2012 at 2:36 pm
“Twatwaffle” is still my favorite – it’s so much fun to say.
August 26, 2012 at 4:31 pm
I clicked on a page at random, and the first thing I saw was “Nickelback fan”.
You people are way more hardcore about this than I ever suspected.
August 26, 2012 at 5:54 pm
That popped into my mind immediately upon seeing it, and now it’s been stuck in my head for the last two hours. Thanks a lot, you Nickelback fans.
August 26, 2012 at 5:55 pm
What the blue waffle? That was supposed to be in reply to my own post. Grr…
August 26, 2012 at 5:26 pm
This list could not have come at a better time! Our company president (a philandering hypocrite of mammoth proportions) advised the management staff that profanity is one of his pet peeves. We have been looking for new words to substitute for the traditional ones. Henceforth, “Sarah Palin” will take the place of “motherfucker”.
Thank you, Regretsy. You may have prevented me from being fired.
August 26, 2012 at 7:43 pm
Son Of A Beet Farmer!
August 26, 2012 at 10:36 pm
This really should be published in a fine binding with embossed leather boards and marbled endpapers. I’d buy one.
Oh, and fuck you all you herd of dick-milk swilling sphincter hijackers.
August 27, 2012 at 8:15 am
Let my future biograpical record show that my first (sort of) published words were “Turd Rocket.” And the Pulitzer Prize committee can kiss my cock wallet.
August 30, 2012 at 6:20 am
If I’d seen this before, I’d have submitted my favourite foreign swearphrase: “baszd meg a kurva anyád”, which is Hungarian for “fuck your whore mother”.
August 30, 2012 at 9:56 am
I hate to be a barnacle stain, but the front cover text has the word “get” twice in a row, I assume by mistake. I feel bad even pointing out a minor error on such an outstandingly shit-screwing cumdonut of a swear compilation. Great work, losers.
September 6, 2012 at 3:36 pm
This is really going to come in handy…my boyfriend told me the other day that he’s sick of me calling everyone a “fuck stain”. We’ll just see how much he likes it when I start calling everyone “anal gaping twat fister”.
<3
September 16, 2012 at 2:17 pm
I’ve been desperately trying to come up with the **perfect** new name for my Wifi. Thanks to this handy guide, I will now be going by: prolapsed ass-faced cunt nugget. Let the neighbors suck on that one for a while…slackjawed candyassed cumdumpsters. (I may also decoupage the guide’s pages on a TV tray for when company comes to call.)