- This post first appeared on Regretsy in October of 2011
Well, since Ebay banned this stuff I guess we might as well as the statue!
*might as well as the ask, not enough caffeine yet
and it’s vintage
I know the answer to #9: Rob Paulsen, as Pinky. “Pinky” is also the answer to #8.
10. How does this qualify as ‘vintage?’
Because the green man is like eternal. And as someone who is eternal, he’s like been around long enough to be vintage. Duh.
I would like to know how the ancient trees of the forest feel about polyester, and whether he ever gets picked on for being made of plaster, not wood. I imagine ancient trees would be rather snobbish about a washed-up hippy decoration in a Salvation Army Link costume.
Love the shipping charges for a goddamn email.
11. Why is the Green Man dressed as the Oz Coroner?
Aww, it’s gone. But I wonder what that triangular metal trash means.
It’s for creepers. I’ve had one of those for years, and no creeper has ever wanted to attach itself to that thing, so it’s now sitting in my cellar waiting to be noncycled into … something. Wonder if I could train it to answer questions?
At first I thought you meant creeper, as in ‘creepy person with stalker tendencies’ and would’ve told you you could make a fortune with it. Just noncycle it into a dress and wear it to a bar to enjoy your creeper-free evening.
Serves me right for snarking in a second language – I suspected “creeper” must have another meaning. At least my creepers have stalks (as in “bean stalk”).
OTOH, both meanings of the word might work – if I noncycled my gardening accessories into wearable gear, human creepers would be scared off … nobody wants to sidle up to a crazy plant lady. Can I get a patent on that? And incorporate madly grinning garden-Pan statues perhaps?
I understood what you meant. A “creeper” is a vine (tomato, squash, etc.).
I thought it was a creeper from minecraft.
It is, in a sense, a “green man”…
I forgot i did in the sun *EXPLODES*
The only Green Man I need advice from is this one.
I’m not entirely sure what’s going on there, but I’m backing away slowly just to be on the safe side.
That’s what raw broccoli does in my large intestine.
That’s why you cook it first to kill the caterpillars.
wow, it’s the brother of the UFOPORNO triplets!
Saw a guy like that in Dublin back in March, but his suit was cheetah print.
There were a couple of these smoothy groovers in the video for Muse’s “Supermassive Black Hole”. IIRC they seemed to be getting their spastic thing on most enthusiastically to the “suffer” and “moan” lyrics. I assume their wriggles were enthusiastic anyway – interpretative dance being something that stays firmly locked away the “unbearable hippy shit” mental concept box.
I saw that guy and his twin brother running the St. Patrick’s Day Dash in Seattle this year, but they had kilts on too. The kilts didn’t help much, they still creeped me the hell out.
They took you Night Man and you don’t belong to them.
They locked me in a woooorld of darkness without your sexy hands and I miss you Night Man.
12. Why did you leave me?
a. Where did you go?
b. When are you coming back?
c. Are we there yet?
I can’t stop thinking about Tony. Wondering where he could be, who he is with, what is he thinking, is he thinking of me, and whether he’ll ever return someday.
My God it stinks in here. It stinks of stupid women wondering about Tony. Wondering where he could be, who he is with, what he’s thinking, whether he’s thinking of you, and whether he’ll ever return someday.
(LOL at the KITH reference!)
I’m wondering how in the hell does a Forest Dweller make friends with Mermaids?
I’d guess it was during Spring Break. You know how wild shit gets down in Cabo.
That is exactly what I was wondering. One is in the ocean one is in the forest. Friends?
Well, if the answer to #3 is ‘yes’, then perhaps some fairy form of Facebook is the answer.
You mean Faesbook.
I suspect that the mermaids are one of those ‘awkward ex friend invite” situations. But that’s okay, because there’s this hot dryad he’s seeing now and she’s totally not the jealous kind.
If I wanted direction from a stiff wooden “forest dweller” I’d go back to making porn.
It’s not a cape.
It is a tarpaulin.
It is needed because that statue is uglier,
uglier as cow shit a rain rape
Now it’s just off.
So as I was.
1) Who really wrote the Book of Love?
2) Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near?
3) Why do fools fall in love?
4) Should I stay, or should I go now?
5) Will you love me, will you love me forever?
6)Some people wanna fill the world with silly love songs. What’s wrong with that? I need to know.
7) Who did let the dogs out?
8) How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man?
9) Why must I cry?
10) Why does it look like there’s black blood coming out of your mouth?
11) Are you using that musical instrument to hide your junk?
12) How do mermaids surround you when there’s no apparent body of water nearby?
The whole point of Pan is that his junk should be visible, because he’s a god of lust. The musical instrument serves to scare sheep into a panic (that’s why it’s called PANic). Question #13 is whether he believes in stereotypes about prudish Americans
That is one crappy panflute. A proper panflute has tubes of differing length, so different notes can be played. So that, like, you can actually make music on the thing.
This so-called panflute’s tubes are all the same length, would all play the same note. Boring.
This elemental spirit has poor discerning taste in panflutes. Perhaps he just grabbed nearest one to cover his junk?
panflute? I thought it was a pack of cigars…
1. Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
2. Where is the love?
3. Can you feel the love tonight?
4. What is love? (Baby, don’t hurt me.)
5. Can you tell a green field from a cold steel rail?
6. Do you believe in magic?
7. Have you ever seen the rain?
8. What’s your name, little girl?
9. Should I stay or should I go?
I DID NOT NUMBER MY QUESTIONS CORRECTLY. *commits seppuku*
Green Man can see it in your eyes… he can see it in your smile. He’s never gonna give you up or let you down. And he wishes you were here.
Every breath you take, every move you make, he’ll be watching you.
Last time a guy did that with me, I took out a restraining order on him.
Sting would be proud.
Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight?
#?: Can you catch it on your tonsils, can you toss it to and fro?
#?+1: Being a statue, do you have tonsils?
Question 2 is obviously “Does your mother say don’t chew it?”, and question 3 would be “Do you swallow it in fright?” C-
I always thought that was “Swallow it in spite.” Y’know, ’cause mom said don’t chew it.
Something that’s always bothered me:
If you do good things, good things will happen to you: Karma.
Sure, sure, fine. BUT, how often do you hear this: “Oh, well, bad things just happen to good people.”
It can’t be both ways. What kind of logic is this?
I am not Buddhist and don’t proclaim to know everything on the subject, but I attended a Buddhist university for two years and it was chock full of batshit crazy students that were even worse than this Etsy person.
They talked to trees, danced around drum circles and insisted that Buddhism was all about Karma (there’s no H in it) and reincarnation and not having a desire for materialism. …It’s not. Tantra originally had little to do with sex, Buddha is not meant to be worshipped, and people will put whatever modern spin they want on an ‘ancient’ and ‘mystical’ school of thought so that they can justify their behavior and worldview.
…and putting a cape over a statue and talking to it.
I think karma exists in a sense, but it doesn’t work on an individual basis. The entire human race is living out karma, collectively.
Try to use karma to explain to a victim of rape, war, disease, etc. how and why they deserve it, because of some sort of cosmic system of justice.
Sorry for getting philosophical – my brain hurts, too. NOW BACK TO THE FUCKED UP CRAFTS.
I think similarly… I don’t believe in karma. I think it’s a nice way to comfort yourself. It’s the equivalent of believing that by not eating aspartame or standing near microwaves that you will never get cancer.
People who believe these things aren’t stupid… many of them are rational and forward-thinking, but every person alive is scared that bad things will happen, and they want to make up rules so that they can say sick people, destitute people, unhappy people have broken those rules. Life happens to us all.
And thanks for remarking about the diseases. I used to LIVE in a children’s hospital and no, we didn’t all get sick because we did something naughty in a past life or in this one. Some of those kids were on gluten-free vegan diets, never got vaccinated, lived spiritually and guess what? They got sick anyway.
True that. Life is a bitch. A cold, hard nasty bitch. Her horrors don’t discriminate.
How nice would it be if being an asshole gave people cancer, instead of just random fucking chance.
Well, I mean, nobody asked me when they were designing this universe… >.>
That’s actually probably the biggest problem that I have with the idea of individualized karma. The idea that if someone does something bad to you/a loved one/society in general/whatever it will come back to bite them is a comforting one, but how can it not lead to the flip-side of a person that thinks of him/herself as a good person wondering, possibly agonizing over, what they did wrong to deserve punishment.
It just goes back to some of the same ideas that I hated about the Christian churches I grew up in. “Oh, you were raped/beaten/suffered a terrible illness/lost a child/had your house burn down/*insert any horrible life event*? Well, you must be lying about never having done anything so wrong as to deserve it. Lying to me, yourself and/or God.”
Ironically, I find that the health stuff is exactly the same as the religion stuff in many cases… evangelicals may shove a book in your face so they can ‘save your soul,’ but I’ve had plenty of new agers/raw foodists/aromatherapists/law of attractionists/etc shove vitamins and tinctures and meditation in my face so they can ‘cure my illness’.
End rant. I’m off to go take some of the pills that put me into remission in the first place
What kind of fucked up churches did you go to? Maybe their Jesus wasn’t accused of treason and executed on a cross.
Where in the Bible does it promise that shit’ll happen only if you deserve it? Shit happened to plenty of righteous people in the Bible, what the hell was their logic for that?
I just want to say that the intelligent comments are making me love all of you.
That you’ll be rewarded in this life for your good deeds is part of the Calvinist school of thought, as such it’s around in a number of Protestant churches. Its theological foundation is the book of proverbs (old testament). Whether that’s the “correct” interpretation of the bible or not … well historically there have been occasional disagreements about that. I don’t think I have enough characters in this comment box to completely resolve the issue.
However the belief is around, and it does influence how people think about things – right down to ideas like women’s bodies preventing conception in case of “legitimate rape”, and that sick people deserve their suffering and so on. Humans perceive the world in terms of their core beliefs, and their interpretation of events will be shaped by those beliefs.
Well, actually the whole book of Job is a parable about how bad things DON’T necessarily mean you’ve done something wrong. Job’s comforters, who sat around telling him to repent, are not meant to be the good guys in this story. Though I always felt sorry for Job’s children who apparently were killed to make a point, and never thought of again.
Not only that, but don’t many Buddhists believe in reincarnation? In which case, Karma may take a few lifetimes to catch up with you.
His Kharma ran over my dhogma.
Since this is a re-post, did we ever get answers to these questions???
Good questions. I’d really like to know the answer to #7 seeing as Golden Corral has now added cotton candy to their disease bar. They should just rename the place Germ Corral.
Re the cotton candy, not sure about other places, but at the GC here they’ve had the cotton candy for at least a year (since they built a big new restaurant, which opened just a month or two before the “Chocolate Wonderfall” commercials started) and I’ve only ever seen it done by an employee behind the bar thingy with the food. Kind of like the grill area. You just go up and tell him/her you want pink or blue cotton candy and he/she whips it up with gloves on without touching the actual candy. So, it’s not nearly as scary to me as that chocolate fountain *shudder*
Also, I only know this because my in-laws think going out as a family to Golden Corral is the height of fine dining, and because after the first time of seeing the Cotton Candy Sap stuck back there making sugar clouds for 5 year olds, I emailed the company asking why, if they were paying someone to be there anyway, they couldn’t have him/her making something awesome like funnel cakes. (holy run-on sentence, Batman. I know)
I’d risk the germ and disease paradise that is Golden Corral if it meant the chance of having fresh funnel cakes for dessert. *drools*
You mean you’re not supposed to drink from the chocolate fountain?
No but its ok if you get up on a chair and dip your feet on. They act like they don’t like it but really they do. Bust make funny / crazy faces as you do it.
Yuck, just thinking the amount of vegetable oil they have to put into the fountain to keep the chocolate runny, and the little hairs that are in it *BAD VISUAL, can’t unsee*
Golden Petri Dish
Yes, on the one hand, 60 fucking dollars? I know that money wasn’t actually spent. On the other, some answers would be really reassuring in these troubled times.
Is there any other way for a statue to look, besides “as if it’s in a trance”?
Why would I have to ask this statue anything, when clearly the answer is 42??
What do you get if you multiply six by nine?
The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything.
That’s Pan, not the Green Man and why is he bleeding black goo from his head and nose?? He’s also got some kind of Sideshow Bob hair/plant thing going on…
I do not recall that the Green Man carried a pan flute. However the god Pan did – you know the 1/2 goat guy who was both literally and figuratively horny? Looks to me that this lump of plaster should be fielding questions about bajingos and penii.
Not that that’s a bad thing mind you, but if Green Man is you “favorite elemental” I suggest you learn to recognize him.
I just wonder what element he is.
This is by far one of my favorite posts of all time.
1. Where are my socks?
2. Why is the word abbreviated so long?
3. what’s another word for synonym?
4. If olive oil is made from olives, and corn oil is made from corn, why is it called baby oil?
5. Why do we park on the driveway, and drive on the parkway?
6. Does the refridgerator light really go out when I shut the door??
7. If it’s tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?
8. What is the speed of dark?
9. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
10. How can you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
11. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
12. Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard drive?
13. Why do psychics have to ask my name?
14. When the fridge magnets fall off the fridge, where do they go?
Mine just… go.
14. Are you always wearing industrial bunny slippers with steel toe caps? Check underneath them. If the magnets are still missing, then you are probably hosting the spirit of Alex the Parrot (see photo):
Answer courtesy of Magic 8-Ball Industries and Psychic Acquaintances Network
I know I’m late to the party on this one, but if my experience has taught me anything, they’re more than likely stuck, upside-down, to the bottom of the fridge.
1. Right over there. No, THERE.
2. Don’t complain, it used to be supercalifragilisticexpialabbreviatedocious.
4. Hint: Soylent Green IS people.
5. You can do both. The death rate is way higher the other way around, though.
6. Yes. It was at a trendy café in SF just last night, with the escarole you forgot about.
7. You need a license first, except for BENNYs.
8. 89.326 (plus or minus).
9. You end up in purgatory and spend eternity asking too many questions. BOO!!!
10. Duh! Invisible display gives you the message.
11. Her friends are just scamming you for money for dope.
12. He’s the highest ranking guy in the NSA and he likes pron.
13. The Spirits have password-only access.
Answers courtesy of Magic 8-Ball Industries
Ah, this one reminded me of Emo Philips. …and the 8 billion taglines I once had.
1) Why should I ask an ugly lump of green plaster anything?
This little guy* lives in my china cabinet. I painted him years ago (bought him as greenware, no pun intended). He refuses to answer any questions until I clean the cat snot off his “window.”
We are at an impasse.
*Although he looks like he has two faces, the one on the bottom is a decoy.
Judging from the wide span of those two sets of eyes… do you have a couple of cats, by any chance?
I’m intrigued by the object in front of him. What is it?
We have three cats and a kitten, but I don’t understand the question.
The thing in front is a pewter toybox with a dragon emerging from it. A friend gave it to me, but I don’t understand that, either.
If I ever get around to cleaning the china cabinet door, maybe Little Green Man will explain everything to me.
Oh, the Golden Corral chocolate fountain. It’s like the LaBrea Tar Pits of chewed gum, used Band-Aids, and Marlboro Red butts.
And I would bet you a hundred bucks that the chocolate inside it is never changed…when it runs low they just add more and remnants of the first chocolate ever added to the fountain is still running through the tubes. Ugh.
Geez, I was only thinking it had hair and lint in it. Now I know it’s more like the filter at a public pool.
The coolest name for a pony, obviously, is Rainbow Dash.
An elemental, a shapeshifter, AND a shaman?! Holy fuck!
In Hollywood that’s what they call a “triple threat”.
…er, no. Wait. That’s something else. In Hollywood, those three are what they call a “Syfy original movie”.
IN OTHER WORDS IT’S COMPLETE HORSESHIT
Nope, this is the real Greenman:
The mermaids are in the forest because they occasionally want to get some wood. The Green Man allows them to visit because he likes to look at tail. Everyone is happy.
In that same vein, we might want to rethink what it means that The Green Man “…loves thick dark trees” and why he wants something as big as a man’s hand to cover them? Why not willowy pinkish/purple twigs?
The only question I have for Green Man is this..
Can he teach me how to dougie?
Were the questions ever answered, if so what were they?
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