BONUS: ETSY HATS MAKE ME PARANOID
Hats, man. Always tryna be on top of me and keep down, man.
Brimming with positivity, man.
Wait, can it be a hat without a brim are are they just head enclosures?
We better cap this off before it gets out of hand.
Yeah, we should put a lid on this one.
Before I blow my top.
Don’t make me come down there and bust a cap.
And it’s off to the derby again!
I beret this doesn’t go on for too long.
Why is it hats will do anything to get ahead???
Hats off to you all.
This thread really bowlers me over.
When in the mood, we don our sad snood.
I dunno. That crown is kinda fedorable.
“Perfect for the bride(zilla), the (voice) actress, the (hand) model, or for the steampunk (drag) queen.”
Though her listing needs a little clarification, so I supplied it.
Beanie long time since I’ve laughed so hard.
The appeal of these ‘hats’ is cloched in mystery.
This thread really toque off.
Now ust calm down and have a nice pork pie.
This thread is quite dis-turban.
Youse guys aren’t even cloche.
I chapeause I’ve arrived a bit late?
Don’t get all sombrero on us though.
Not at all, never too late for a tiarable pun.
Yes, one with glitter a bonnet.
Don’t know about you guys, but I can take the puns; it’s the stuff for sale that makes me reach for my pill box.
I’ll give you a heads up on that one!
I’m just gonna fez up and say, I kinda like the crochet hood…even though it looks like it’s killing that woman’s soul.
Yeah, it’s fantastic for those dressy occasions where don’t want to spoil the look of your outfit.
Maybe she’d like jpeg better than pdf.
That cabbage patch hoodie is killing my soul. Even the chick wearing it looks unimpressed.
Well, that’s it, I’m definitely going meatatarian.
All of the “models” look depressed or in pain.
Put fur on each of them and you get:
Depression is the new Barnwood.
Look, barn wood and a hat – well, sort of.
I believe it’s cork. Philip Treacy made it for the Spring 1998 Givenchy Haute Couture collection by Alexander McQueen. It was a beautiful collection inspired by Japanese zen gardens and traditional Asian garment shapes. Whoa! Did my fashion nerd flag fly high on that one!
Looks like that woman stood up under a Japanese model train village.
We actually have a couple of these little cork villages–in display boxes, where they belong. At most, this should be a brooch. A small brooch.
And…for the love of god, how much cocaine and hipster music do you have to listen to in order to achieve that apathetic expression?
She looks sad, too.
It’s nice to see the Ewok village getting some work again.
It looked so much bigger in the movie, you know?
Can’t you tell you’re looking at a half-assed model? With an Ewok village on top?
I’m partial to this one:
Tiiiiiiiiiiime Baaaaaaaaaandits! Oh how I’ve missed you!
“I am the Supreme Being. I’m not ENTIRELY dim.”
“Nipples on men”
This one has every right to be depressed, by both hat AND makeup!
Melancholy is just so trendy right now. Wonder if they’ll stick on the next Merch report…
Only if they also add in leathery smoker’s skin and wildly overdone makeup.
Fantastic! I’m already ready for the next season’s trends!!
After viewing these items the scales have dropped from my eyes: AAAGGHH! MY HEAD IS NAKED! I’ll be in my bunk.
That’s gotta be the most depressed looking white-girl Rasta I’ve ever seen. Doesn’t weed usually make you somewhat happy? Or is she bummed about the whole cultural appropriation thing?
I thought it was Ozzie.
Or Ozzy, as most people would pronounce it.
It’s a regional difference. Potato/potahto, you know? Like, we here in RI pronounce it “Dallis”.
Just proof that it’s not a good idea to type quickly when there’s a distracting toddler in the room.
Anyone know where I can get a good babysitter in the Vancouver BC area?
What’s your angle, LeeLoo?
Have you tlied Claigsrist?
Holy shit, you’re in Vancouver? I wonder how many of us FJLs are in BC? (I’m in Victoria). I thought everyone lived in the States. I was feeling lonely.
don’t be lonely lady! victoria, represent.
Well, Harriet might disagree…
maybe Cherri is Ozzy’s drag name.
I thought it was Howard Stern.
Or Steven Tyler.
I thought that was Howard Stern as well. Purple is not his color…
Ok, now someone pair her with the sad hipster sad…
If I’d made that hat, I’d be that sad too. I have some fabulously silly beret thingies I’ve made, and I can tell you that either she needs more weed, much less weed, or more silly things on that hat.
You’d be depressed too if you couldn’t even afford regular yarn scraps but had to get your leftovers from a thrift store.
Did Nuno Felted Hat get her inspiration from
Are those Rough Riders fans? Here in the great white north some of our football fans do in fact put watermelons on their heads for games.
I wish I was kidding.
I dunno… I personally saw this:
Or perhaps a bit of this…
Ok, now you have me thinking…
That green cloche is inspirational! Now I know what to make next time one of my cats horks up a hairball.
It’s like a gallery of people suddenly forced to wonder how their lives got to this point.
I’ve learned that on Etsy, hats don’t make the man, hats make you take Zoloft.
That last one looks like she’s in the middle of a 3 day coke-bender, constantly checking through the blinds for the Cops or robots or Mom and Dad.
“Whether you’re preparing for an extravagant photo shoot or hiding from the cops after killing your 8th husband for the insurance money, this ridiculous floral headband is sure to confuse the fuck out of everybody.”
It’s Alanis Morissette on the run from those 10,000 knives she was on about.
Meaningless aside: our office secretary once ordered five boxes of 2,000 forks and was sent five boxes of 2,000 spoons.
(I love the live version where she sings “like meeting the man of my dreams, then meeting his beautiful… husband.)
But none of it’s ironic, don’t ya think?
You spell too well to be a craftard, Matt!
Oh, that’s funny! I didn’t even realize I hadn’t copied the misspelling! Good catch, lettucego!
Sad hat makes sad hipster sad.
Trendy flower headband makes formerly sad hipster paranoid.
(Thanks for the bonus picture, it almost made me spew my lovely Airborne water).
RE: the golden crown of EmoLand… Is it just me or does it look like those hands are someone else’s? Like, I’m pretty sure Quing (because I’m not sure if it’s a queen or a king) is actually choking a servant girl for not bringing a glass of absinthe fast enough and those are her hands reaching up to rip the golden glory from her mastress’s head.
Yeah, I thought they looked like Stunt Hands, too.
I think she died and someone’s holding her head up. Because – come on, all that time with make-up and lighting?
uh…those are *both* left hands!
yeah! I was trying to figure out if they were both right hands, or if one is just twisted at an odd angle. Still can’t tell.
All I know is that girl scars the shit out of me, and I want to go home now.
OH GOD LOOK OUT CROWN LADY YOU’RE BEING STRANGLED
possibly by the spirit of Christmas Fuckery
I was thinking “court ordered visitation of 3yr old from one night stand.” That look reads like “I hate princess tea parties.”
Is it wrong that I think one of us needs to buy that hat for HK?
If you’re going to claim that you wanted to make something “flattering to the face” then maybe you want to rethink the vampireish murder stare on your model.
But LIFE IS A CARNIVAL OF PAIN. This model understands that. That’s why she sports goth eyeshadow and a lip ring and the hand on her temple to keep her existential crisis from making her head asplode.
Is that why she has her hand on her temple? I thought she was getting ready to have an attack of the vapors from wearing that godawful hat.
She might be trying to kill us through the computer screen Scanners-style. It would explain the frosty and determined look.
i cried because I had no hat and then I saw these hats and realized how much worse life could be… it isn’t easy wearing crocheted green.
For what runway, precisely, is that floral headband ready for?
The kind where if she gets too close, hopefully, a turbine jet engine would suck her in.
Runway #7 over at LAX.
Actually, I think they meant it was ready for a “runaway”.
maybe she’s just way ready for another run.
I seriously read it as “runaway” when I first looked at it. I thought she was going for a bride looking out the window at the wedding guests and groom thinking she’s made a huge mistake kind of look.
What depresses me (other than ugly hats and stupid facial expressions) is that while I understand these hats may be WORTH the price listed, why do they think they should be made? (I’m mostly pointing to the $427 one.)
I mean, I could spend 20 hours working on a giant oil painting and then charge accordingly for my time and materials, but if it’s just a picture of Alf taking a shit and playing a vuvuzela, why bother?
You might want to reconsider making what could be an epic painting. Alf is always art-world gold.
More proof for my theory that Alf hated humanity more than any other aliens. Even “Aliens” aliens.
I could do one of those custom pet portrait deals, but instead of Alf sitting quietly with the cat, he’d be preparing to cook and eat it.
…wearing a pocketwatch so that it’s steampunk
Alf with a monocle. Total steampunkery. Might want to add a mustache and PBR can just for total hipster saturation.
Right now all I want is a giant fucking painting of Alf taking a shit playing the vuvuzela. *adds to Christmas list*
Sometimes I make bad art as a joke and I might put some into the next Regretsy Charity project so keep an eye out for Alf taking a shit and playing the vuvuzela. I also have a family of sharks going to church.
Those are both good ideas. Are the sharks Catholic, or Baptist, or Unitarian?
I need to come up with something for the next one, too. I was thinking about wooden “middle finger” bookends.
I think the sharks are going to be Mormon. Maybe they’re going to see the Hill Cumorah pageant. …Which is also made up of sharks.
That would be so effing awesome.
I really miss Cherribomb, who did a painting of Frank Zappa taking a shit.
Back in the day there was a poster of Frank on the wall of my record store of him sitting his skinny butt on a toilet and the title was pi Zappa Krappa. Miss Frank.
The second one down has given me flashbacks of Bruce McCulloch when he had a cabbage for a head
(Kids In The Hall reference, for those wondering)
These hats are crushing my head!
I pinch a your face!
I think you’re right – she looks like Cabbagehead’s daughter!
Well, not a hat, but does anyone understand this listing?
It’s about getting $12 off you.
Someone from Germany makes mineral makeup and wants you to buy her free samples. I didn’t get blogger review package until I remembered a friend-of-a-friends whose circle-jerk food and fitness blog hit some invisible threshold of popularity, then suddenly she was receiving all kinds of gifts and samples – invitations to restaurant events, samples of health food, a whole damn fancy coffee maker, shit like that.
I wrote on a feminist/political/culture blog and made four entire dollars over three years. She spent a few years blogging pictures of meals and doggies and exchanging virtual hugs with other women blogging pictures of meals and doggies and babies, and she got appliances and paid travel. I think the business-types like these kinds of bloggers because they tend to be cupcakey – not as bad as etsy, but certainly very upbeat and chipper. They write reviews but they aren’t critics
I’m a food blogger, but I try not to make it all chipper and cupcakey. I even have a running feature reviewing other recipes, and I’ve not always been positive (although I try not to just say “this sucked ass”). Even though I’m not a critic either, I don’t think it goes over well because I haven’t been offered a single freebie. The other day I was reading another blogger’s entry about how she accidentally cut her daughter’s horrifically long and thick hair much, much too short. She started with how difficult it is to take care of her daughter’s hair and ended with how upset her husband was because insists that it be long. My comment was “Well if he wants is long, HE should take care of it.” Pretty sure that’s gotten me blocked by half the mommy blogging community.
This girl’s blog actually made me kind of sad – she likes going out to trendy restaurants, which is cool, but the cooking bits were always one giant commercial, with the occasional family recipe. Boxed cake mixes, canned this, packaged that, lite this, sugar-free that. I mean, if you’re going to spend that kind of time and effort, snob it up a bit. Don’t tell me it’s healthier to make my cake-pops with diet Sprite because it means you can glom less Betty Crocker canned frosting into the mix, Sprite and Betty Crocker each have a team of people to give me such dubious health advice.
…I know this is pretty much against the spirit of what you said, but now I’m hungry for Sprite and cake frosting. OH GOD MAKE IT STOP
are you sure you aren’t high? That sounds like a late night munchie fest to me, sprite and frosting out of the tub
No, Ygritte, but I wish I were high. I’d probably enjoy these hats more that way
Wait, what kind of cake pops have soda in them? Are there cola ones?
It’s apparently a Weight Watchers trick, and you can find any number of discussions online about which sodas work best with which flavor cake mixes. Yes, cola is totally on the table.
Oh interesting. I have to try this now and see how it tastes. Thanks!
I’m not really much of a blog-reader, but that describes a lot of the sites I’ve seen. ThingsYouCanBuy.wordpress.com (that isn’t real, I hope, that’s just how I see a lot of blogs). I’m just not very into shopping, or whatever the computer version of window shopping is, even if it’s cool stuff, so they just sort of serve no purpose for me.
I wish you the best of luck, tho. I had a friend-of-a-friend who ran a travel-type blog….she was a real critic and somehow, she managed to flip her site into a lot of free stuff, shows and meals and such. So good luck!
The snood lady would fit right in.
Like the old song says, “Smile, darn ya smile….”
Makes me think of that lady with the pizza headband. As much fun as was made of her, at least she looked into the camera and smiled brightly and confidently.
I’m sure slouching around despondently while modeling your goods generates a ton of sales. If you’re wearing something meant for every day, then look like a happy person on the go. If you’re selling something goofy and over-the-top like the crown, look mischievous and maybe flirty. But for pity’s sake, don’t look like you should be on suicide watch.
Btw the pizza lady had been ok since the beginning — she was selling funny burlesque accessory and she knew it. But your advice undermines the whole purpose of being a disgusted urban princess, man.
And I just realized I remember previous regretsy posts the way people usually remember tv episodes (so that one was “The One with the Lady with the Pizza Headband”).
But I like to insist it’s because it can help us digest the real world more easily; first thing I saw this morning was a blog by greek neonazi women fighting against gender equality.
Thank the FSM for small favors: at least the steampunk one is sorta in the steampunk milieu.
Now if only they had slapped some spectacles and a fake beauty mark on the model instead of the just-returned-from-punk-concert makeup, with lip ring…
Sad Hippy Looks sad. Especially since she had to get scrap yarn from the thrift store to make this POS. Better buy it quick so she can buy her “medication”. Nevermind, my medication is more important! Vodka and Bacon FTW!
Re: the first one: oh yeah, god forbid you spoil the look of you outfit (in this case, a plain white t-shirt) with something like a real sweater and hat. Better grab a doily of the back of a chair and hit the town.
I’d be sad too if I had the remnants of my husband’s wife beater on my head.
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The price of the first one is awesome cheap. $3.99 for a hat and cape thingy. Homemade. Wow
It’s for the pattern (PDF).
What I don’t understand is why its specifies “lime.” If it is just a pdf pattern, couldn’t you make it in any color?
If you’re going to disregard instructions so blatantly, sure, I guess it could be any color. But if that’s the type of loose canon you are, why buy the instructions at all?
I guess D&D canon is pretty loose, since it’s mostly left up to the GM to enforce it. Tolkien canon, now, that’s fairly tight.
Gah! Cannon, canon, come on.
You can’t go wrong with lime…..if you are a small roundish citrus fruit that is.
I would likely be stoned to death with martini glasses if I wore the first one to a fancy dress-up ball.
I’m just going to leave this here.
Is that tumblr run by Sad Hipster??
Is that first guy being used as a hand puppet? That would explain his facial expression.
File that gold fan tiara under “Things that are not steampunk”.
And “things that are not symmetrical” and “things that are not glued together properly” and “things that are only slightly better than the free crowns they give you at Burger King.”
And I feel a sudden, overwhelming urge to begin a grassroots movement in support of the return of sumptuary laws.
Ugh. I can feel Rasta Tammy’s lice from here.
Lemme fix that:
I might get thumbed down, but…
I kind of want to see that second one on a smiling flapper-style girl.
That said, a foam head would have more personality than most of these gals, that’s for sure.
I should have refreshed the page before posting, as wavewench has beat me to it.
Now how much wind can a green doily actually keep out? The chick wearing the crown looks like she’s trying to blow up my head and is that Tim Robbins rocking that purple rasta hat? Dude!
Anyone else think Crown Girl is actually a guy?
I think it’s the alternate definition of “steampunk queen” in which “queen” means “gay man” and “steampunk” means “shiny shit I sell on Etsy.”
The models are sad because the hats are covering their Fascinators.
It must have been an Etsy hat (from the fuuuuuuuture!) that Mary Tyler Moore had on because she was SO HAPPY when she threw into Hennepin Ave to be destroyed by snow tires.
And that old lady glared at her for not upcycling it.
The enthralled expressions of the models make me want to buy all those hats that much more. If only I can be as Steampunk as Crown.
when did Fiona Apple start making flapper hats?
Wow… I wasn’t aware that bath salts or amphetamines were required to be “Runway Ready.” Runaway is more accurate in my opinion considering she probably thinks that the popos and their lizard minions are after her.
I think the cabbage patch lady works in the next cubicle row over from me. And that’s just her regular expression.
I need the first one, in periwinkle! Because nothing screams insane cat lady like wrapping yourself in a giant sized doily. Although, I inspire to be an insane cat lady like the one from the Simpsons
*aspire… its been a long ass day full of drinking because of my mother in law being in town….. in my house
From the mind that brought you the lime .pdf pattern…
It’s cupcakes in the ‘hood (and the crown and the tarn).
Shouldn’t the rasta hat be RASTA colors???
Dis rasta colours fo’ brethren of The-Artist-Formerly-Known-As-But-Then-Briefly-Known-As-A-Squiggle-But-Once-Again-Known-As-Prince.
Ya know, it mus’ be able to hold seven ferret, fo’ dem represent the Seven Seals of Apocalypse.
Wonder if melancholy beanie girl has a 2nd sweater so I could have matching skants?
Etsy hats make me afraid, too.
The girl with the dragon tattoo doesn’t seem to want to wear that crown.
Clearly the first model is doing a fantastic impression of a day-old PF Chang’s lettuce wrap.
More like, “Etsy Hats Make Me Reflexively Shower.” It’s cute and all that the people who make hats for Etsy want to model them, but I can’t look at a behatted barrage of likely-dumpster-diving hipsters, makeup-caked goths and skuzzy, dreadlocked, patchouli/B.O.-scented hippies and not immediately want to scrub my head raw to relieve myself of the psychosomatic itching that their modeling causes me.
It’s been a while since I’ve commented, but fuck me with that purple one! It’s not enough that it’s skanky, bed-buggy wool sourced from thrift shops, but then the love child of Laverne & Garry Shandling has to model it on her sullen, nasty, filthy dreads? There is not enough of that Unstopable stuff Amy Sedaris is peddling in the world to make the one “unstinkable”!
I like the crochet pattern but I am not really sure what I could wear it with being that I’m a t-shirt and jeans kinda girl. Maybe if it was in black?
etsy hats make me sad AND paranoid…
I feel it my solemn duty to warn my fellow FJLs-I once got a rash from a hippy hat. It started innocently enough, my sister wanted to go to a pagan festival, and I though, why not, it’s a nice day and it’s in my favorite park. There were vendors there. One woman was selling knitted gloves and headbands. They looked pretty. So I bought a purple one and put it on. Within 20 my eyes started watering like crazy. The next day, my face looked as if I had spent the weekend bobbing for wasps. I watched in horror over the next two weeks as the rash spread down my neck and across my entire body. It itched like ROYAL FUCK and every hour I’d run hyperventilating into a boiling hot shower so the pain could drown out the damn itching. And the steroids were even worse, like drinking a pot of espresso. I was insanely thirsty, peed every 10 min, and couldn’t sit still in class. Plus my face looked like a balloon. So don’t, DON’T TOUCH THE HIPPIES’ HATS. But I’m sure it was just bad kharma.
Scary story. As an OCD sufferer, I am now itching by-proxy just from reading it. You may very well be allergic to hippy stank.
I have to say, I’m surprised that at least one of these doesn’t feature a patchwork penis.
Wow. Where to start?
I mean, the crochet cape thing is “perfect for fancy dress”. I used to stick random shit from mom’s Big Box of Ill-Advised 70s Clothes to myself for fancy dress purposes when I was a small child, and this piece is certainly perfect for that aesthetic. But the “gold crown” is definitely the crowning glory of this assortment. That’s more fuck-ugly than I’ve seen altogether in one place in quite a while. I think I need some time to digest the fact that the maker of this hot-glued horror seriously believes someone will buy it and actually wear it.
Wow, Cherri got Steven Tyler to model her hat. And it made him sad, which is a bonus in my book.
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