I think that has to be a typo, for “formerly.” As in, “Wear this formerly — travel back in time before putting it on, so none of your sane friends ever see you in it.”
It could be used for the greater good that way. I’m pretty sure if you put this on Adolf Hitler he would just spontaneously combust. I think that hyperbaric chamber for kids could probably be a time machine.
Confession time. In my early days of knitting, I crafted a few horrors that should not have been seen outside the covers of a Lovecraft or Stephen King novel. However, I never sold them and certainly never let them see the light of day. And believe me, they were, ah, ‘Regretsy calibre’. I shudder at the sunset-coloured wool tube top that was too large, and the electric-blue loose pom-pom yarn tank.
Three years later, lesson learned: some creations just need to be unravelled before they become dangerous. Otherwise, elder horrors will be cast off, and find their way into innocent people’s homes.
Pom-Poms Make It Better
August 23, 2012 at 11:28 pm
Part of learning to knit, crochet, weave, or sew involves all kinds of eldritch abominations. I have some myself sitting in a dark corner of my craft closet.
Long, long ago, I made myself a sweater out of granny squares. You know the yarn: multi-primary-colors-hombre. Black “frames.” I was very proud of that sweater, and wore it all through what passes for “winter” in California. Then, one day, an old lady wearing orange lipstick asked me if I was a divan, or a hide-a-bed.
I gave that sweater to the local chapter of the SPCA during one of their kennel-blanket drives.
We…*takes a deep breath before looking about furtively* We could…send this stuff to HK for a charity thing. I do have a couple of truly fabulously awful things that I bet FLJs would enjoy setting on fire, of wearing. I…am legitimately tempted to do this.
Is it the least flame-resistant lampshade in history?
Is it a burka sold in the souvenir tent when the Grateful Dead played Tehran?
No! It’s formal wear! Perfect for the annual Black and White and Purple and Blue and Red and Brown and Pink Ball at The Plaza!
The plush fur poaching market finally comes to a light when we learn the gritty truth about what really happened to the Care Bear cousins. I guess Swift Heart just wasn’t fast enough…
My cat puked up something like this once. I never left him alone in the craft room again. I would take the same approach with the creator of this pile.
One time my cat got into my yarn stash. Not the stash of yarn I actually use but the stuff other people have leftovers from whatever uglyass thing they made. I make mittens for poor kids so people give me stuff. This was the stash that was too ugly to use. Anyway Kitty found it and when I came home something that looked just like this poncho was lurking under my table. Scared the bejeezus out of me.
Speaking as someone who likes to use leftover yarn creatively…it is not that hard to match colours. I’ve seen my cat create things like this after climbing into my yarn bin before.
My last memory of you is seeing you drift away in that harem-pants hot air balloon, higher and higher you went…and then you were gone.
Some kind hearted hipsters at a place called “etsy” in Brooklyn took me in and fed me bacon and PBR and kept me warm with the large quantity of mustaches they had laying around. I learned to read via various “Keep Calm” signs posted around the place.
I knew you’d be fine. If I could have, I would have sent you messages via tiny dog messenger, or trucker hats with ironic phrases on them.
But I was so busy with steampunk vintage OOAK upcycled punk handmade art wearables that time just got away from me.
It was a sad, sad day. Many in Snorkland lived in the blessed ignorance that the sea gave them. They thought that the sea buffered them against the evils in the rest of the verse. You would hear, “No way reevers could make it this far.” or “Reevers are just a made up monsters that parents on the rim tell their kids to get the to behave.”
But their naivety was shattered. And their tranquil blue sea turned whatever color Snork’s blood is, which is I think green.
There’s an old saying, “If reever’s get you. They’ll rape you to death, eat your flesh, and sew your skin into their clothing – and if you’re very, very lucky, they’ll do it in that order.” The Snorks weren’t that lucky.
“Can be worn several ways”.
Here are some “ways” I’m picturing:
-wear at night, standing behind a tree or something.
-wear in your basement, with the lights turned off.
-if/when you may find yourself hangin’ out in a dumpster.
-wear to a Cyndi Lauper concert in 1983 (need a time machine).
-wear on a date with someone you want to break up with immediately.
I really don’t have anything to say about this. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time my pug ate a whole package of water balloons and shit them out all over the yard? Good times.
BTW who is Edith PeedOff, and what happened to Helen? Is Edith perhaps the leader of the gang of unspeakable creatures that have converted the poor Snorks into this thing, and is right now working on turning Helen into something too hideous to even show here?
Non, rien de rien, non, je ne regrette rien – ni le bien qu’on ma fait, ni le giant tangle of chewed-up avantgarde rat bedding, tout ca m’est bien égal …
So much stuff on etsy seems to have started out being sewed, glued, bejeweled, set on fire, etc with no focus or purpose in mind, THEN when it’s “done” they say “I guess it could be a shawl or something”. This is a terrible and insane way to make things.
What bums me out is that as ugly as that thing is, it probably took the person a while to make. At $45, why bother?
WORN!!?? That was a shock. I had scrolled past the title and thought that brass do-dad at the top was a finial and that the thing was the world’s fugliest lampshade. It would still be hideous as a shade, but at least you wouldn’t be seen with it in public.
I make some scarves with rando novelty yarn, but I’ve got a lot more than 2 sales. What is the brown stuff between the blue and pink? It looks like some kind of dried grass.
You’ve all missed the best point about this creation. It’s UNIQUE. That means that once somebody buys this thing and puts it in the incinerator, we’re safe.
Oh shit. I’ve just had a look and there are many more unique boa scarve shawl cape cowls out there. They are not quite as unique as this one but getting close.
August 23, 2012 at 9:34 am
Snorks don’t have much meat on them. Not like fraggles.
August 23, 2012 at 9:34 am
I’m not entirely sure this person understands what ‘formally’ means.
August 23, 2012 at 9:36 am
I think that has to be a typo, for “formerly.” As in, “Wear this formerly — travel back in time before putting it on, so none of your sane friends ever see you in it.”
August 23, 2012 at 9:57 am
It could be used for the greater good that way. I’m pretty sure if you put this on Adolf Hitler he would just spontaneously combust. I think that hyperbaric chamber for kids could probably be a time machine.
August 23, 2012 at 10:03 am
If he was wearing this, how could anyone nazi him coming?
August 23, 2012 at 10:09 am
Gestapo with your bad self!
August 23, 2012 at 10:09 am
It is pretty easy to S.S. the situation when someone has this on.
…oh God that was awful.
August 23, 2012 at 10:11 am
Damn Reich!
August 23, 2012 at 10:13 am
I’m goering to cry!
August 23, 2012 at 10:17 am
He would Lufte like an idiot in that thing.
OH GOD THAT ONE’S EVEN WORSE
August 24, 2012 at 10:33 am
I am a-gassed at these horrible puns.
August 23, 2012 at 10:13 am
You are SO reich about that, LeeLoo.
August 23, 2012 at 10:18 am
Your timing sucks, Matt.
August 23, 2012 at 10:51 am
You mengeled it up, Matt.
August 23, 2012 at 11:16 am
Isn’t it a little early to be getting blitzed?
August 23, 2012 at 11:45 am
It’s funf o’clock somewhere, Zippy.
August 23, 2012 at 7:06 pm
If you wear this, I doubt you have any sane friends. If you do, you won’t for much longer!
August 23, 2012 at 9:36 am
Would one shawl pin be able to contain this much fabulousness?
August 23, 2012 at 12:36 pm
That shawl pin would have to be the size of a dinner plate to even be seen amidst all that fuckery.
August 24, 2012 at 12:35 am
I’m sure Etsy can help you there.
August 23, 2012 at 9:36 am
It’s so tempting but I already have a boa scarf wrap poncho capelet cowl.
August 23, 2012 at 5:54 pm
Confession time. In my early days of knitting, I crafted a few horrors that should not have been seen outside the covers of a Lovecraft or Stephen King novel. However, I never sold them and certainly never let them see the light of day. And believe me, they were, ah, ‘Regretsy calibre’. I shudder at the sunset-coloured wool tube top that was too large, and the electric-blue loose pom-pom yarn tank.
Three years later, lesson learned: some creations just need to be unravelled before they become dangerous. Otherwise, elder horrors will be cast off, and find their way into innocent people’s homes.
August 23, 2012 at 11:28 pm
Part of learning to knit, crochet, weave, or sew involves all kinds of eldritch abominations. I have some myself sitting in a dark corner of my craft closet.
With plenty of pom-poms, of course.
Maybe I should open an Etsy shop.
August 24, 2012 at 10:39 am
Long, long ago, I made myself a sweater out of granny squares. You know the yarn: multi-primary-colors-hombre. Black “frames.” I was very proud of that sweater, and wore it all through what passes for “winter” in California. Then, one day, an old lady wearing orange lipstick asked me if I was a divan, or a hide-a-bed.
I gave that sweater to the local chapter of the SPCA during one of their kennel-blanket drives.
True story.
August 24, 2012 at 7:03 pm
YOU GUYZ! YOU GUYZ!
We…*takes a deep breath before looking about furtively* We could…send this stuff to HK for a charity thing. I do have a couple of truly fabulously awful things that I bet FLJs would enjoy setting on fire, of wearing. I…am legitimately tempted to do this.
August 23, 2012 at 9:37 am
I shouldn’t have ridden the tilt-a-whirl twice…
August 23, 2012 at 9:38 am
Is it the least flame-resistant lampshade in history?
Is it a burka sold in the souvenir tent when the Grateful Dead played Tehran?
No! It’s formal wear! Perfect for the annual Black and White and Purple and Blue and Red and Brown and Pink Ball at The Plaza!
August 23, 2012 at 10:13 am
Couldn’t be a GD burka — would cause too many bad trips.
August 23, 2012 at 2:26 pm
It does have several touches of grey. Among the dozens of other colors, I mean.
August 24, 2012 at 7:46 am
But it would clash with your scarlet begonias.
August 23, 2012 at 9:41 am
The plush fur poaching market finally comes to a light when we learn the gritty truth about what really happened to the Care Bear cousins. I guess Swift Heart just wasn’t fast enough…
August 23, 2012 at 9:46 am
Plushie Poaching: Fringe Division.
August 23, 2012 at 9:43 am
That is the mother of all leis. Can’t wait to see the matching skirt….
August 23, 2012 at 9:52 am
Was Snuffleupagus gay? If so, he could totally wear that thing.
August 23, 2012 at 10:00 am
A gay Snuffleupagus would never be caught dead in that.
August 23, 2012 at 10:40 am
I think that shows Snuffleupagus is out. Inside-out! Giant muppet entrails pride!
August 23, 2012 at 12:14 pm
You’re right, Downthumber. There are absolutely ZERO flamboyant gay guys out there. None. Unheard of.
August 23, 2012 at 12:23 pm
The difference between being a flamboyant homosexual and a fashion criminal can be construed as HUGE. Just FYI.
August 23, 2012 at 12:33 pm
(BTW, I didn’t downthumb you.)
August 23, 2012 at 12:38 pm
I know. I just like talking to the downthumbers. It’s fun.
August 23, 2012 at 12:43 pm
It could have been a Jim Henson fan who’s pissed that I had to bring Snuffleupagus into this. That I would understand. He’s an innocent victim here.
August 23, 2012 at 9:56 am
All I can think of is cheetos doused in pepto bismol OH GOD THERE GOES MY FAT JEALOUS LOSER APPETITE
Bonus points for the suggestion to ‘wear it formally’. Where? A muppet funeral?
August 23, 2012 at 10:42 am
I think this is the reason for the muppet funeral and it should be a closed-casket.
August 23, 2012 at 9:59 am
My cat puked up something like this once. I never left him alone in the craft room again. I would take the same approach with the creator of this pile.
August 23, 2012 at 1:37 pm
One time my cat got into my yarn stash. Not the stash of yarn I actually use but the stuff other people have leftovers from whatever uglyass thing they made. I make mittens for poor kids so people give me stuff. This was the stash that was too ugly to use. Anyway Kitty found it and when I came home something that looked just like this poncho was lurking under my table. Scared the bejeezus out of me.
August 23, 2012 at 5:58 pm
Speaking as someone who likes to use leftover yarn creatively…it is not that hard to match colours. I’ve seen my cat create things like this after climbing into my yarn bin before.
August 23, 2012 at 10:12 am
Cherry festival?
No, cherry bomb!
August 23, 2012 at 4:52 pm
It is Cherry festival – it’s what happened after you stuffed yourself full of cherries at the festival and found the nearest palette …
August 23, 2012 at 10:16 am
“Wear it with your favorite shawl pin”?
How would you ever see or be able to identify a pin amongst that mess?
August 23, 2012 at 10:48 am
That’s like saying Slash should wear a barrette in his hair. Ridiculous.
August 23, 2012 at 11:01 am
Or like saying that Dee Snider from Twisted Sister should wear cufflinks.
August 23, 2012 at 11:10 am
Or Tommy Lee should wear a condom.
August 23, 2012 at 11:47 am
Or I should wear pants or underwear to work. Wait- what were we talking about?
August 23, 2012 at 12:09 pm
Go with pants, I say.
August 23, 2012 at 12:15 pm
But the kilt feels so right.
August 23, 2012 at 12:31 pm
Go with underwear then. Or don’t. Yeah, don’t. *drools*
August 23, 2012 at 12:36 pm
You can drool. It’s a water-resistant kilt.
August 23, 2012 at 1:28 pm
Someone already kilt all those snorks. Enough. Pants for you, Matt.
August 23, 2012 at 1:37 pm
YOU’RE NOT MY MOM!!! (runs off sobbing)
wait- are you my mom, melagrana?
August 23, 2012 at 1:40 pm
Go with this cowl shawl thing Matt. You will be ready for any holiday.
August 23, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Oh boy. This is awkward, son.
August 23, 2012 at 1:48 pm
Mom, you left me! You left me with nothing but a placenta print and a jar of skunk paws to remember you by! Why’d you do it, WHY?
August 23, 2012 at 1:57 pm
Those skunk paws will come in handy one day, son, you mark my words.
Like so many EtsyKrafters, I had a VisionKwest to follow, and you couldn’t come along. The harem pants weren’t big enough to hold you.
August 23, 2012 at 2:30 pm
My last memory of you is seeing you drift away in that harem-pants hot air balloon, higher and higher you went…and then you were gone.
Some kind hearted hipsters at a place called “etsy” in Brooklyn took me in and fed me bacon and PBR and kept me warm with the large quantity of mustaches they had laying around. I learned to read via various “Keep Calm” signs posted around the place.
August 23, 2012 at 2:45 pm
I knew you’d be fine. If I could have, I would have sent you messages via tiny dog messenger, or trucker hats with ironic phrases on them.
But I was so busy with steampunk vintage OOAK upcycled punk handmade art wearables that time just got away from me.
August 23, 2012 at 10:26 am
You could be bare-ass naked under that thing and the Pope would stop the High Mass during Easter and make you take it off.
August 23, 2012 at 11:08 pm
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
August 23, 2012 at 10:34 am
It was a sad, sad day. Many in Snorkland lived in the blessed ignorance that the sea gave them. They thought that the sea buffered them against the evils in the rest of the verse. You would hear, “No way reevers could make it this far.” or “Reevers are just a made up monsters that parents on the rim tell their kids to get the to behave.”
But their naivety was shattered. And their tranquil blue sea turned whatever color Snork’s blood is, which is I think green.
There’s an old saying, “If reever’s get you. They’ll rape you to death, eat your flesh, and sew your skin into their clothing – and if you’re very, very lucky, they’ll do it in that order.” The Snorks weren’t that lucky.
August 23, 2012 at 10:45 am
Leave to to Reavers.
August 23, 2012 at 10:44 am
“Can be worn several ways”.
Here are some “ways” I’m picturing:
-wear at night, standing behind a tree or something.
-wear in your basement, with the lights turned off.
-if/when you may find yourself hangin’ out in a dumpster.
-wear to a Cyndi Lauper concert in 1983 (need a time machine).
-wear on a date with someone you want to break up with immediately.
August 23, 2012 at 10:54 am
You forgot
- to a hide&seek game at the Christmas sweater factory my grandma used to order from.
August 23, 2012 at 10:59 am
Or at a carpet remnant outlet. Or at a recycling plant. Or at the Crayola factory. The possibilities are endless.
Just not on acid. Never, ever on acid.
August 23, 2012 at 11:25 am
This on acid? – No.
Acid on this? – Yes
August 23, 2012 at 12:22 pm
Wear it to get out of jury duty…..
August 23, 2012 at 10:47 am
I really didn’t need another reminder that I’m sick at home with the Flu.
August 23, 2012 at 11:02 am
There are two things wrong with the title of that thing: “Wearable” and “Art”.
August 23, 2012 at 11:13 am
How did this person acquire the ceremonial robes of the Esoteric Order of Dagon?
The old ones will be Pissed!
August 23, 2012 at 11:22 am
If it were all black it would be (shog)goth. Except it would need more eyes. With black mascara.
August 23, 2012 at 11:15 am
I really don’t have anything to say about this. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time my pug ate a whole package of water balloons and shit them out all over the yard? Good times.
August 23, 2012 at 11:33 am
BTW who is Edith PeedOff, and what happened to Helen? Is Edith perhaps the leader of the gang of unspeakable creatures that have converted the poor Snorks into this thing, and is right now working on turning Helen into something too hideous to even show here?
August 23, 2012 at 12:31 pm
Another call to the bullpen, I suspect. Regretsy is expanding!
August 23, 2012 at 12:39 pm
What happened to CF4L?
August 23, 2012 at 1:35 pm
My phonetics decoder is on the blink – what is the pun in “Edith PeedOff”, apart from the obvious euphemism?
August 23, 2012 at 1:42 pm
My guess would be a takeoff on “Edith Piaf”.
August 23, 2012 at 1:43 pm
Who, as we all know, was the inventor of scented urinal cakes.
August 23, 2012 at 1:58 pm
Urinal gateaux
August 23, 2012 at 1:53 pm
Non, rien de rien, non, je ne regrette rien – ni le bien qu’on ma fait, ni le giant tangle of chewed-up avantgarde rat bedding, tout ca m’est bien égal …
August 23, 2012 at 12:39 pm
Another view of the garment.
August 23, 2012 at 12:46 pm
That must be the view from a sane vantage point.
August 23, 2012 at 12:46 pm
It’s to the point that when I hear “wearable art” I burst into tears and run from the room…
August 23, 2012 at 1:49 pm
There, there. It could be worse. It could be made from human hair.
OMG, IS IT MADE FROM HUMAN HAIR?!?
August 23, 2012 at 1:15 pm
So much stuff on etsy seems to have started out being sewed, glued, bejeweled, set on fire, etc with no focus or purpose in mind, THEN when it’s “done” they say “I guess it could be a shawl or something”. This is a terrible and insane way to make things.
What bums me out is that as ugly as that thing is, it probably took the person a while to make. At $45, why bother?
August 23, 2012 at 1:29 pm
Pallette: Cherry Festival
Does this mean I might have actually seen this woman at the craft show of the Cherry Festival in Michigan?
Wait… she lives in California though… usually the vendors at the craft show are locals…
Still, this actually kind of reminds me of this bag of mangled up yarn and craft supplies that I have in my basement.
August 23, 2012 at 1:42 pm
Have you checked recently to see if it’s still there?
August 23, 2012 at 6:26 pm
Why would I… Oh my gosh! Did that woman just break into my house?
August 23, 2012 at 1:44 pm
WORN!!?? That was a shock. I had scrolled past the title and thought that brass do-dad at the top was a finial and that the thing was the world’s fugliest lampshade. It would still be hideous as a shade, but at least you wouldn’t be seen with it in public.
August 23, 2012 at 1:52 pm
I am reminded of a couple of comments by my art teachers from college:
“Just because you had an idea doesn’t mean it was a good one.”
“This is probably the finest example of the kind of artwork I like the least.”
August 23, 2012 at 3:25 pm
I make some scarves with rando novelty yarn, but I’ve got a lot more than 2 sales. What is the brown stuff between the blue and pink? It looks like some kind of dried grass.
August 23, 2012 at 5:33 pm
You’ve all missed the best point about this creation. It’s UNIQUE. That means that once somebody buys this thing and puts it in the incinerator, we’re safe.
Oh shit. I’ve just had a look and there are many more unique boa scarve shawl cape cowls out there. They are not quite as unique as this one but getting close.
August 23, 2012 at 9:07 pm
I love how they’ve titled it “wearable art”, when it is neither wearable nor art. Is the title meant to be hipster irony?
August 24, 2012 at 4:57 am
I think there might be some martians sewn into that thing too.
August 25, 2012 at 7:05 am
yup…yup…yup…yup yup yup yup yup yup yup uh huh yup yup yup yup yup yup
August 24, 2012 at 10:55 am
I read the seller’s bio and now I can’t insult her. I like her. I think she has FJL potential.