“She will make a statement.” Oh yeah. Something along the lines of “WHAT FUCK IS THIS PILE OF SHIT?”
Or possibly, “Dammit! I thought I told the kids to take the fricking trash out, not pile it on the goddamned coffee table!”
Thought the same. Also, isn’t it amazing how this person can take some beautiful things (sea glass, shells, driftwood) and turn it into something that looks like it belongs in a construction site dumpster?
Craftards, ruining natural beauty one bottle at a time.
Somebody *really* likes driftwood.
My mom would buy this, non-ironically.
I would buy it to throw at something, because you know this will make a beautiful, beautiful noise when it breaks.
A bottle like that could make a lot of money table dancing.
I’m not feeling it.
That’s because you didn’t touch it.
Maybe you’re one of the few that needs to smell it first.
I wonder if you can change the size of the smell?
I’m not touching it. That bottle has rabies.
If you touch it more will be added unto you? Sounds about right.
For Katamari Damacy, this is still 4 Subarus, 3 park benches and one cow short of a star.
I thought determining the sex of chickens was some skill, but now people can figure out the sex of bottles.
Surprisingly shaft-like appendages on the female, I must note.
Which is why I prefer her “Misty White Waters”, “Sounds of the Sea” and “Zen Moment” with ocean caressed tampax inserter tubes. Also, her tagline deserves a nod — *The Ocean’s Soul*: the ocean’s soul is composed of garbage and formerly live things. Go on, you know you want to see the other 17 items and read the descriptions…..
When you hold a big seashell to your ear, you can hear the ocean. When you hold a French-speaking bottle to your ear, you can hear it say “la bouteille”. (Don’t try this at home – this whipped-cream coral stuff looks like it could skilfully harm your ear, which would certainly make a statement.)
Ah, when you say “French-speaking bottle”, you must be under the mistaken assumption that this is a Perrier bottle. This is its unfortunate American cousin, the Perrie bottle. This is the one that embarrasses Perrier at family reunions by trying to make out with the hired mimes.
I also learned that bottles can cling. I know I’ve clung on to a few, in my time… nice to know they were feeling it, too.
Reminds me of the old saying “A bottle in the sand is worth two in your bush.”
I’d rather have a vaginal bottle than an anal lobotomy.
I think I can speak for all female bottles when I say her statement is “would you just recycle me the regular way, in the curbside container, please?”
You might want to consider filing a class action lawsuit. She has a whole store full of upcycled bottles.
That would be a glass action lawsuit.
And it would be jarring.
Someone’s gonna end up in the jug for this one. Yep, it’s the clink for sure.
OK, now I have “Tommy” running through my head.
Ahahaha. Me too.
Hot glue guns do not require skill.
Misspelled French water-stuff: check. Dead sea creatures: check. Dead wood pulled from the beach: check. Randomly glued-on bits of anything: check. Curiously high price: check.
It’s got all the features of a non-down-home country (meaning, not farmy so the driftwood replaces the barnwood) Etsy… thing.
i think she means by “more will be added unto you” that if someone buys one, she’ll make more. please PLEASE do NOT buy one!!!!!
“More will be added unto you” is Etsyan for “I’ll hotglue more shit to your shit!”
Perrie the bottle was rolling on the sand, when she saw it. Curiosity overwhelmed her and she touched it. She felt an instant connection and she loved it.
And that’s how she got her neck stuck in a piece of trashy driftwood.
I forgot the moral of the story – if you see it, don’t touch it!
That sounds like what they said about syringes on the beach.
Should’ve used one of the many condoms also washed up on the seashore.
So, the cork is like the tampon or something?
A very absorbent one. It’s sucked the moisture straight out of me.
Stay Free Or Die!
At least the cork is clean.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
Seriously, WTF over?
I mean really, I must have had too much booze.
But what the fuck do i know I’m playing catch in the house with my Akita and a squeeky chicken. It is great to own your own home no body can tell you not to play catch in the house.
Crack open another one.
that’s funny I get a thumbs down for playing with my dog in the house.
Actually, that’s probably the only reason you don’t get a thumbs down.
If you’re good the dog will let you back on the internet later.
I think the description is just copy-pasted from the NAMBLA Handbook, ‘See, Feel, Love- How to Get Young Boys Interested in Your Junk.’
…which, while terrible, is still not quite as terrible as ‘Eat Pray Love.’ At least when NAMBLA members go to foreign countries it’s to appropriate their children and not, say, their culture so that they can get over their Rich Confused White Lady Blues.
Um, those who channel Oprah’s Book Club to live their live are admittedly awful, but ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!? REALLY?!? INTERNATIONAL PEDOPHILIA TOURISM IS SOMEHOW NOT THE WORST THING IMAGINABLE?!?
(Oh wait – now I get it – Jerry Sandusky must have finally got WiFi access in his cell.)
No irony, no joking, no puns –
You disgust me.
Dude, I’m sorry if I offended you, I really thought what I said was not hurtful. I thought the description legitimately sounded weirdly sexual and a bit creepy. I honestly was joking and I apologize. I’m not sure what more I can say than that and if I had thought it was too much I would not have typed it.
As a member of the National Association of Marlon Brando Look-A-likes I urge you to read out handbook more carefully; it says nothing of the kind!
I coulda been an offender!
Thanks for the levity Zipps.
I’m disappointed that my apology didn’t go over as well as I’d hoped it would but it’s clear that the joke I thought I was writing and the words people heard in their heads were vastly, vastly different.
I’d almost like to apologize again because I don’t like making people feel upset, and I don’t want them to be disgusted either, but I kind of think I’m walking on eggshells at this point so I’m just gonna give up.
P.S. For full Marlon Brando impression, sit in a darkened corner and whisper, “The horrah, the horrah!” as you look through Etsy.
Nothing is as bad as Eat, Pray Love.
Don’t apologize; very seriously, this is the only problem with this site. The only one who is permitted to use inverse irony as humor is Helen. (Uhm, this comment is placed very badly, as it has nothing to do with her; sometimes people get seriously downthumbed but when she praises the comment then people allow themselves to recognize inverse irony as a legitimate form of sarcasm.)
Seriously, don’t apologize for others’ lack of whatever. Yes, I’m looking at vicogin in this case, whose comments honestly disturbed me to an extreme degree, and to many other in previous cases.
Yeah, don’t apologize for humor.
I thought it was funny. But I’m a total douchebag, so you probably shouldn’t base anything on my opinion.
Just to be clear, I’m pretty sure Eat Pray Love + Julia Roberts is worse than Eat Pray Love.
This is Regretsy. So far we’ve had Nazi oven warmers, a drive for personal creations, including one of the most heartwrenching stories ever featured on the site, and hideous hats in the same week.
I think all FLJs know that the offensive humour is meant in the best of black spirits, not to condone or support the things we mock.
I’m sorry, but as a member of the Church of Hammer, touching this is against my religion.
The hot glue really brings all the elements together.
I don’t mean that in a good way.
I will say this here where it is safe, because cupcakes do not research their glue skills here: Fishing Lure Hot Glue. I have a packet in assorted brilliant neon colors, designed to seduce fish, that I’m afraid to use. It could be worse – Mz Blessed Ocean Trash could be using sea green, turquoise, aqua and periwinkle glue.
*squints* Ye gods, Rev. We had no idea how close we came to… the craftpocalypse.
anyone for a game of Beach Bottle Bajingo?
Go ahead, spin it.
I dare ya.
…she will make a statement. And that statement is “please I ‘d so much rather be recycled. Please…’
“She makes a statement.”? I’m pretty sure I’m not ready to make that statement about myself. I think those statements land you in the nut hatch.
bottle + vag + sand = chafing. No fun to be had here (besides the craptastic “artwork”)
And that statement is “The FUCK?! I am an inanimate object. I do not have feelings. Which is good, because if I did, right now I would feel embarrassed to be surrounded by this hot-glued mess! and STOP TOUCHING ME!”
This only makes sense if the seller meant to write “derriere” bottle. Yes, it’s disgusting but LOGICAL!!!!
I… do not understand this object. *makes puzzled face*
Great! First this lovely, unassuming bottle is being sold by her owner, and now she’s being not understood!!
How much can one bottle be expected to take?!?!?!
This one is saying “tampons, tampons”
$85?!? The profit margin on random junk and hot glue is better than I thought.
Only if it sells!
See me, feel me, touch me, throw me back into the ocean. Please.
This craftard has done one of two things – either she’s taken her hot glue gun down to the beach, done some serious sticking-together, taken her photos and gone home, or she’s put this crap together at home and gone back to the beach for the photo shoot. We are in trouble if it’s the second option because it gives her a chance to find more shit to stick to other shit.
Third possibility: She bought the coral and driftwood off Etsy, glued it at home, and THEN went down to the beach to photograph it.
As a lover of all things fugly, I ADORE this….and would even buy it for $85. Oopsie just noticed that my weekend pass expired 5 days ago….gotta go.
See the Sea Vomit… overpriced just for you and etsy….
I think she has attended Etsy’s ‘Writing Emotive Descriptions’ course, Level 4
Oh, how this has touched my soul…………
With a blowtorch. Or lots of sharp, pointy bits…
No… the writing is a whole new level of insanity. Something more sinister is at work here. I’m starting to wonder if sellers are actually auditioning for Regretsy Theatre now.
I don’t want everybody who sees my vagina to touch, feel, and love my vagina, if only because I spend so much time at nude beach resorts and I might get sore.
Etsy Description Math:
“See me; feel me; touch me; heal me.” – The Who
“Ask and it shall be given unto you.” – Matthew 7:7
“If you see it, touch it. If you touch it, feel it. If you feel it, love it. And when you love it, give it, and more will be added unto you.”
Rocky Horror comes to mind.
“Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me, I want to feel dirty. Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me, creature of the night.” –Janet
However, unless touching this thing summons a tentacle monster straight from Japanese waters, I doubt there will be any thrilling or fulfilling.
The seller claims that if he/she “gives it”, more will be added unto the seller. It’s right in there after the see it, feel it, love it craptasm…
After puzzzling over why the seller would write that when he/she was obviously NOT “giving” it, I realized that the seller has a weight problem and doesn’t want more will be added unto her/him.
Wallah! All is clear!f
Listen, I have dyslexia. That’s about the best proofreading I can do without whipping out the ruler.
If you think it, craft it.
If you craft it, burn it.
If you burn it, bury it.
If you bury it, encase it in cement.
If you encase it in cement, build on top of it.
If you build on top of it, start a business.
If you start a business, name it etsy.
Isn’t this how “The Amityville Horror” started?
And the Evil Pet Store in South Park?
Yes and yes. Etsy was built on an ancient craftard burial ground, and is haunted to this day.
During a waxing moon, they say that the hot glue seeps up from the ground in Brooklyn.
Etsy killed Kenny! You craftards!
translation: “I am so fucking high right now…”
If this statue is female, she must be pretty wet from that romantic description. Get it? Wet, because the sea and… Ok I’ll be quiet now.
If you smack it up – you must flip it.
If you flip it – you must rub it down.
-Bell Biv Devoe.
YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS! SHE ALSO DOES STEAMPUNK!
Let the mocking begin!
Sigh…I love keys, I really do…or rather, I did…
I would buy it, but only if it was on some Barnwood.
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