Thought the same. Also, isn’t it amazing how this person can take some beautiful things (sea glass, shells, driftwood) and turn it into something that looks like it belongs in a construction site dumpster?
Craftards, ruining natural beauty one bottle at a time.
Which is why I prefer her “Misty White Waters”, “Sounds of the Sea” and “Zen Moment” with ocean caressed tampax inserter tubes. Also, her tagline deserves a nod — *The Ocean’s Soul*: the ocean’s soul is composed of garbage and formerly live things. Go on, you know you want to see the other 17 items and read the descriptions…..
When you hold a big seashell to your ear, you can hear the ocean. When you hold a French-speaking bottle to your ear, you can hear it say “la bouteille”. (Don’t try this at home – this whipped-cream coral stuff looks like it could skilfully harm your ear, which would certainly make a statement.)
Ah, when you say “French-speaking bottle”, you must be under the mistaken assumption that this is a Perrier bottle. This is its unfortunate American cousin, the Perrie bottle. This is the one that embarrasses Perrier at family reunions by trying to make out with the hired mimes.
Misspelled French water-stuff: check. Dead sea creatures: check. Dead wood pulled from the beach: check. Randomly glued-on bits of anything: check. Curiously high price: check.
It’s got all the features of a non-down-home country (meaning, not farmy so the driftwood replaces the barnwood) Etsy… thing.
Perrie the bottle was rolling on the sand, when she saw it. Curiosity overwhelmed her and she touched it. She felt an instant connection and she loved it.
And that’s how she got her neck stuck in a piece of trashy driftwood.
But what the fuck do i know I’m playing catch in the house with my Akita and a squeeky chicken. It is great to own your own home no body can tell you not to play catch in the house.
…which, while terrible, is still not quite as terrible as ‘Eat Pray Love.’ At least when NAMBLA members go to foreign countries it’s to appropriate their children and not, say, their culture so that they can get over their Rich Confused White Lady Blues.
Um, those who channel Oprah’s Book Club to live their live are admittedly awful, but ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME!?!?!? REALLY?!? INTERNATIONAL PEDOPHILIA TOURISM IS SOMEHOW NOT THE WORST THING IMAGINABLE?!?
(Oh wait – now I get it – Jerry Sandusky must have finally got WiFi access in his cell.)
Dude, I’m sorry if I offended you, I really thought what I said was not hurtful. I thought the description legitimately sounded weirdly sexual and a bit creepy. I honestly was joking and I apologize. I’m not sure what more I can say than that and if I had thought it was too much I would not have typed it.
I’m disappointed that my apology didn’t go over as well as I’d hoped it would but it’s clear that the joke I thought I was writing and the words people heard in their heads were vastly, vastly different.
I’d almost like to apologize again because I don’t like making people feel upset, and I don’t want them to be disgusted either, but I kind of think I’m walking on eggshells at this point so I’m just gonna give up.
P.S. For full Marlon Brando impression, sit in a darkened corner and whisper, “The horrah, the horrah!” as you look through Etsy.
Don’t apologize; very seriously, this is the only problem with this site. The only one who is permitted to use inverse irony as humor is Helen. (Uhm, this comment is placed very badly, as it has nothing to do with her; sometimes people get seriously downthumbed but when she praises the comment then people allow themselves to recognize inverse irony as a legitimate form of sarcasm.)
Seriously, don’t apologize for others’ lack of whatever. Yes, I’m looking at vicogin in this case, whose comments honestly disturbed me to an extreme degree, and to many other in previous cases.
This is Regretsy. So far we’ve had Nazi oven warmers, a drive for personal creations, including one of the most heartwrenching stories ever featured on the site, and hideous hats in the same week.
I think all FLJs know that the offensive humour is meant in the best of black spirits, not to condone or support the things we mock.
I will say this here where it is safe, because cupcakes do not research their glue skills here: Fishing Lure Hot Glue. I have a packet in assorted brilliant neon colors, designed to seduce fish, that I’m afraid to use. It could be worse – Mz Blessed Ocean Trash could be using sea green, turquoise, aqua and periwinkle glue.
And that statement is “The FUCK?! I am an inanimate object. I do not have feelings. Which is good, because if I did, right now I would feel embarrassed to be surrounded by this hot-glued mess! and STOP TOUCHING ME!”
This craftard has done one of two things – either she’s taken her hot glue gun down to the beach, done some serious sticking-together, taken her photos and gone home, or she’s put this crap together at home and gone back to the beach for the photo shoot. We are in trouble if it’s the second option because it gives her a chance to find more shit to stick to other shit.
No… the writing is a whole new level of insanity. Something more sinister is at work here. I’m starting to wonder if sellers are actually auditioning for Regretsy Theatre now.
I don’t want everybody who sees my vagina to touch, feel, and love my vagina, if only because I spend so much time at nude beach resorts and I might get sore.
The seller claims that if he/she “gives it”, more will be added unto the seller. It’s right in there after the see it, feel it, love it craptasm…
After puzzzling over why the seller would write that when he/she was obviously NOT “giving” it, I realized that the seller has a weight problem and doesn’t want more will be added unto her/him.
If you think it, craft it.
If you craft it, burn it.
If you burn it, bury it.
If you bury it, encase it in cement.
If you encase it in cement, build on top of it.
If you build on top of it, start a business.
If you start a business, name it etsy.
August 23, 2012 at 6:14 pm
“She will make a statement.” Oh yeah. Something along the lines of “WHAT FUCK IS THIS PILE OF SHIT?”
August 23, 2012 at 6:38 pm
Or possibly, “Dammit! I thought I told the kids to take the fricking trash out, not pile it on the goddamned coffee table!”
August 23, 2012 at 10:11 pm
Thought the same. Also, isn’t it amazing how this person can take some beautiful things (sea glass, shells, driftwood) and turn it into something that looks like it belongs in a construction site dumpster?
Craftards, ruining natural beauty one bottle at a time.
August 23, 2012 at 6:14 pm
Somebody *really* likes driftwood.
August 24, 2012 at 7:05 pm
My mom would buy this, non-ironically.
I would buy it to throw at something, because you know this will make a beautiful, beautiful noise when it breaks.
August 23, 2012 at 6:15 pm
A bottle like that could make a lot of money table dancing.
August 23, 2012 at 6:17 pm
I’m not feeling it.
August 23, 2012 at 6:20 pm
That’s because you didn’t touch it.
August 23, 2012 at 6:29 pm
Maybe you’re one of the few that needs to smell it first.
August 23, 2012 at 6:33 pm
I wonder if you can change the size of the smell?
August 23, 2012 at 6:37 pm
I’m not touching it. That bottle has rabies.
August 23, 2012 at 6:18 pm
If you touch it more will be added unto you? Sounds about right.
August 23, 2012 at 6:25 pm
For Katamari Damacy, this is still 4 Subarus, 3 park benches and one cow short of a star.
August 23, 2012 at 6:19 pm
I thought determining the sex of chickens was some skill, but now people can figure out the sex of bottles.
August 23, 2012 at 6:24 pm
Surprisingly shaft-like appendages on the female, I must note.
August 23, 2012 at 7:46 pm
Which is why I prefer her “Misty White Waters”, “Sounds of the Sea” and “Zen Moment” with ocean caressed tampax inserter tubes. Also, her tagline deserves a nod — *The Ocean’s Soul*: the ocean’s soul is composed of garbage and formerly live things. Go on, you know you want to see the other 17 items and read the descriptions…..
August 24, 2012 at 1:10 am
When you hold a big seashell to your ear, you can hear the ocean. When you hold a French-speaking bottle to your ear, you can hear it say “la bouteille”. (Don’t try this at home – this whipped-cream coral stuff looks like it could skilfully harm your ear, which would certainly make a statement.)
August 24, 2012 at 6:17 am
Ah, when you say “French-speaking bottle”, you must be under the mistaken assumption that this is a Perrier bottle. This is its unfortunate American cousin, the Perrie bottle. This is the one that embarrasses Perrier at family reunions by trying to make out with the hired mimes.
August 23, 2012 at 6:19 pm
I also learned that bottles can cling. I know I’ve clung on to a few, in my time… nice to know they were feeling it, too.
August 23, 2012 at 6:20 pm
Reminds me of the old saying “A bottle in the sand is worth two in your bush.”
August 23, 2012 at 7:41 pm
I’d rather have a vaginal bottle than an anal lobotomy.
August 23, 2012 at 6:20 pm
I think I can speak for all female bottles when I say her statement is “would you just recycle me the regular way, in the curbside container, please?”
August 23, 2012 at 6:27 pm
You might want to consider filing a class action lawsuit. She has a whole store full of upcycled bottles.
August 23, 2012 at 6:28 pm
That would be a glass action lawsuit.
August 23, 2012 at 7:07 pm
And it would be jarring.
August 23, 2012 at 8:06 pm
that’s transparent.
August 23, 2012 at 8:35 pm
Someone’s gonna end up in the jug for this one. Yep, it’s the clink for sure.
August 23, 2012 at 6:21 pm
OK, now I have “Tommy” running through my head.
August 23, 2012 at 6:23 pm
Ahahaha. Me too.
August 23, 2012 at 6:22 pm
“Clings skilfully”
Hot glue guns do not require skill.
August 23, 2012 at 6:23 pm
Misspelled French water-stuff: check. Dead sea creatures: check. Dead wood pulled from the beach: check. Randomly glued-on bits of anything: check. Curiously high price: check.
It’s got all the features of a non-down-home country (meaning, not farmy so the driftwood replaces the barnwood) Etsy… thing.
August 23, 2012 at 6:25 pm
i think she means by “more will be added unto you” that if someone buys one, she’ll make more. please PLEASE do NOT buy one!!!!!
August 24, 2012 at 11:10 am
“More will be added unto you” is Etsyan for “I’ll hotglue more shit to your shit!”
August 23, 2012 at 6:25 pm
Perrie the bottle was rolling on the sand, when she saw it. Curiosity overwhelmed her and she touched it. She felt an instant connection and she loved it.
And that’s how she got her neck stuck in a piece of trashy driftwood.
August 23, 2012 at 6:30 pm
I forgot the moral of the story – if you see it, don’t touch it!
August 23, 2012 at 6:34 pm
That sounds like what they said about syringes on the beach.
August 24, 2012 at 7:10 pm
Should’ve used one of the many condoms also washed up on the seashore.
August 23, 2012 at 6:27 pm
So, the cork is like the tampon or something?
August 23, 2012 at 6:32 pm
A very absorbent one. It’s sucked the moisture straight out of me.
August 23, 2012 at 8:38 pm
Stay Free Or Die!
August 24, 2012 at 11:10 am
At least the cork is clean.
August 23, 2012 at 6:34 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 23, 2012 at 6:35 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 23, 2012 at 6:37 pm
But what the fuck do i know I’m playing catch in the house with my Akita and a squeeky chicken. It is great to own your own home no body can tell you not to play catch in the house.
August 23, 2012 at 6:44 pm
Crack open another one.
August 23, 2012 at 6:46 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 23, 2012 at 7:42 pm
Actually, that’s probably the only reason you don’t get a thumbs down.
August 23, 2012 at 7:49 pm
If you’re good the dog will let you back on the internet later.
August 23, 2012 at 6:48 pm
*squeaky
August 23, 2012 at 7:07 pm
I think the description is just copy-pasted from the NAMBLA Handbook, ‘See, Feel, Love- How to Get Young Boys Interested in Your Junk.’
August 23, 2012 at 7:09 pm
…which, while terrible, is still not quite as terrible as ‘Eat Pray Love.’ At least when NAMBLA members go to foreign countries it’s to appropriate their children and not, say, their culture so that they can get over their Rich Confused White Lady Blues.
August 23, 2012 at 7:54 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 23, 2012 at 7:59 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 23, 2012 at 8:37 pm
Dude, I’m sorry if I offended you, I really thought what I said was not hurtful. I thought the description legitimately sounded weirdly sexual and a bit creepy. I honestly was joking and I apologize. I’m not sure what more I can say than that and if I had thought it was too much I would not have typed it.
August 23, 2012 at 8:48 pm
As a member of the National Association of Marlon Brando Look-A-likes I urge you to read out handbook more carefully; it says nothing of the kind!
I coulda been an offender!
August 23, 2012 at 9:53 pm
Thanks for the levity Zipps.
I’m disappointed that my apology didn’t go over as well as I’d hoped it would but it’s clear that the joke I thought I was writing and the words people heard in their heads were vastly, vastly different.
I’d almost like to apologize again because I don’t like making people feel upset, and I don’t want them to be disgusted either, but I kind of think I’m walking on eggshells at this point so I’m just gonna give up.
P.S. For full Marlon Brando impression, sit in a darkened corner and whisper, “The horrah, the horrah!” as you look through Etsy.
August 23, 2012 at 11:02 pm
Nothing is as bad as Eat, Pray Love.
August 24, 2012 at 8:04 am
Don’t apologize; very seriously, this is the only problem with this site. The only one who is permitted to use inverse irony as humor is Helen. (Uhm, this comment is placed very badly, as it has nothing to do with her; sometimes people get seriously downthumbed but when she praises the comment then people allow themselves to recognize inverse irony as a legitimate form of sarcasm.)
Seriously, don’t apologize for others’ lack of whatever. Yes, I’m looking at vicogin in this case, whose comments honestly disturbed me to an extreme degree, and to many other in previous cases.
August 24, 2012 at 8:26 am
Yeah, don’t apologize for humor.
I thought it was funny. But I’m a total douchebag, so you probably shouldn’t base anything on my opinion.
August 24, 2012 at 11:41 am
Just to be clear, I’m pretty sure Eat Pray Love + Julia Roberts is worse than Eat Pray Love.
August 24, 2012 at 7:13 pm
This is Regretsy. So far we’ve had Nazi oven warmers, a drive for personal creations, including one of the most heartwrenching stories ever featured on the site, and hideous hats in the same week.
I think all FLJs know that the offensive humour is meant in the best of black spirits, not to condone or support the things we mock.
August 23, 2012 at 7:32 pm
I’m sorry, but as a member of the Church of Hammer, touching this is against my religion.
August 23, 2012 at 7:33 pm
The hot glue really brings all the elements together.
I don’t mean that in a good way.
August 23, 2012 at 7:56 pm
I will say this here where it is safe, because cupcakes do not research their glue skills here: Fishing Lure Hot Glue. I have a packet in assorted brilliant neon colors, designed to seduce fish, that I’m afraid to use. It could be worse – Mz Blessed Ocean Trash could be using sea green, turquoise, aqua and periwinkle glue.
August 23, 2012 at 10:46 pm
*squints* Ye gods, Rev. We had no idea how close we came to… the craftpocalypse.
August 23, 2012 at 7:50 pm
anyone for a game of Beach Bottle Bajingo?
Go ahead, spin it.
I dare ya.
August 23, 2012 at 7:54 pm
…she will make a statement. And that statement is “please I ‘d so much rather be recycled. Please…’
August 23, 2012 at 7:55 pm
“She makes a statement.”? I’m pretty sure I’m not ready to make that statement about myself. I think those statements land you in the nut hatch.
August 23, 2012 at 8:08 pm
bottle + vag + sand = chafing. No fun to be had here (besides the craptastic “artwork”)
August 23, 2012 at 8:11 pm
And that statement is “The FUCK?! I am an inanimate object. I do not have feelings. Which is good, because if I did, right now I would feel embarrassed to be surrounded by this hot-glued mess! and STOP TOUCHING ME!”
August 23, 2012 at 8:20 pm
This only makes sense if the seller meant to write “derriere” bottle. Yes, it’s disgusting but LOGICAL!!!!
August 23, 2012 at 8:20 pm
I… do not understand this object. *makes puzzled face*
August 24, 2012 at 7:48 am
Great! First this lovely, unassuming bottle is being sold by her owner, and now she’s being not understood!!
How much can one bottle be expected to take?!?!?!
August 23, 2012 at 8:22 pm
http://www.etsy.com/listing/87121557/blissful-confusion?ref=correlated_featured
This one is saying “tampons, tampons”
August 23, 2012 at 8:58 pm
$85?!? The profit margin on random junk and hot glue is better than I thought.
August 24, 2012 at 7:49 am
Only if it sells!
August 23, 2012 at 9:05 pm
See me, feel me, touch me, throw me back into the ocean. Please.
August 23, 2012 at 9:43 pm
This craftard has done one of two things – either she’s taken her hot glue gun down to the beach, done some serious sticking-together, taken her photos and gone home, or she’s put this crap together at home and gone back to the beach for the photo shoot. We are in trouble if it’s the second option because it gives her a chance to find more shit to stick to other shit.
August 23, 2012 at 10:50 pm
Third possibility: She bought the coral and driftwood off Etsy, glued it at home, and THEN went down to the beach to photograph it.
August 23, 2012 at 10:05 pm
As a lover of all things fugly, I ADORE this….and would even buy it for $85. Oopsie just noticed that my weekend pass expired 5 days ago….gotta go.
August 23, 2012 at 10:06 pm
See the Sea Vomit… overpriced just for you and etsy….
August 24, 2012 at 1:08 am
I think she has attended Etsy’s ‘Writing Emotive Descriptions’ course, Level 4
Oh, how this has touched my soul…………
August 24, 2012 at 4:38 am
With a blowtorch. Or lots of sharp, pointy bits…
August 24, 2012 at 9:00 am
No… the writing is a whole new level of insanity. Something more sinister is at work here. I’m starting to wonder if sellers are actually auditioning for Regretsy Theatre now.
August 24, 2012 at 5:12 am
I don’t want everybody who sees my vagina to touch, feel, and love my vagina, if only because I spend so much time at nude beach resorts and I might get sore.
August 24, 2012 at 6:18 am
Etsy Description Math:
“See me; feel me; touch me; heal me.” – The Who
+
“Ask and it shall be given unto you.” – Matthew 7:7
=
“If you see it, touch it. If you touch it, feel it. If you feel it, love it. And when you love it, give it, and more will be added unto you.”
August 25, 2012 at 11:39 am
Rocky Horror comes to mind.
“Touch-a touch-a touch-a touch me, I want to feel dirty. Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me, creature of the night.” –Janet
However, unless touching this thing summons a tentacle monster straight from Japanese waters, I doubt there will be any thrilling or fulfilling.
August 24, 2012 at 7:54 am
The seller claims that if he/she “gives it”, more will be added unto the seller. It’s right in there after the see it, feel it, love it craptasm…
After puzzzling over why the seller would write that when he/she was obviously NOT “giving” it, I realized that the seller has a weight problem and doesn’t want more will be added unto her/him.
Wallah! All is clear!f
August 24, 2012 at 7:55 am
Listen, I have dyslexia. That’s about the best proofreading I can do without whipping out the ruler.
August 24, 2012 at 8:15 am
If you think it, craft it.
If you craft it, burn it.
If you burn it, bury it.
If you bury it, encase it in cement.
If you encase it in cement, build on top of it.
If you build on top of it, start a business.
If you start a business, name it etsy.
August 24, 2012 at 8:37 am
Isn’t this how “The Amityville Horror” started?
August 24, 2012 at 8:38 am
And the Evil Pet Store in South Park?
August 24, 2012 at 8:44 am
Yes and yes. Etsy was built on an ancient craftard burial ground, and is haunted to this day.
August 24, 2012 at 8:46 am
During a waxing moon, they say that the hot glue seeps up from the ground in Brooklyn.
August 24, 2012 at 3:59 pm
Etsy killed Kenny! You craftards!
August 24, 2012 at 3:14 pm
translation: “I am so fucking high right now…”
August 24, 2012 at 8:54 pm
If this statue is female, she must be pretty wet from that romantic description. Get it? Wet, because the sea and… Ok I’ll be quiet now.
August 24, 2012 at 10:24 pm
If you smack it up – you must flip it.
If you flip it – you must rub it down.
-Bell Biv Devoe.
August 25, 2012 at 11:41 am
YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS! SHE ALSO DOES STEAMPUNK!
http://www.etsy.com/listing/93174296/changing-tides?ref=v1_other_1
Let the mocking begin!
Sigh…I love keys, I really do…or rather, I did…
August 25, 2012 at 1:30 pm
I would buy it, but only if it was on some Barnwood.