I want to throw darts at this commercial, It’s curtains for you, I tell you, Curtains!(if I wasn’t such a FJL I’d post a picture of Carol Burnett’s Bob Mackie Curtain dress here!)
stop hatin on zooey! shes so fereals! shes perfect! you dont no zooey! she post pictures of herself doin everythin in that video! follow her on FB and youd no that! stop hatin on my zooey!!!!1!
Because a short skirt with tights and 5″ spike heels are the perfect biking attire. I mean, if you want to use your bike as an accessory instead of transportation.
What happens at Burning Man… I’m not interested in attending, but I sure appreciate the parade of fuckery every year! One of these days, I’m going to sit out on the side of the road with a beer and play Burner Bingo.
Trust me you don’t want to go to Burning Man. It is just a bunch of idiots dressed in tiny top hats, steam-punk clothing and rainbow faux fur. It is the most annoying place on Earth, full of histrionic and narcissist personalities. I have been three times because my boyfriend loves it. Oh did I mention how much I hate Burning Man?
Boa scarf wrap poncho capelet cowl made us all forget about pedal bra. I only remember because someone posted a picture of bacon bra on that thread and – oh god, it happened again! Now I’m sleepy.
The kids from the white trash tribe across the street from me used to run up and down the block with their bikes because 1) No one taught then how to ride and 2) the bikes had flat tires.
Tips from the Zooey Deschanel School of Acting:
Emotions –
Love – Slightly open mouth, tilt head to side, stare at spot one foot to the right and eight feet behind the camera.
Hate – Slightly open mouth, tilt head to side, stare at spot one foot to the right and eight feet behind the camera.
Fear – Slightly open mouth, tilt head to side, stare at spot one foot to the right and eight feet behind the camera.
Joy – Slightly open mouth, tilt head to side, stare at spot one foot to the right and eight feet behind the camera.
Anxiety – Slightly open mouth, tilt head to side, stare at spot one foot to the right and eight feet behind the camera.
Confusion – Slightly open mouth, tilt head to side, stare at spot one foot to the right and eight feet behind the camera.
Next week – Tips on how to better narrowcast your appeal to your cupcake hipster base!
It depends on what you look for in an actress. With Kristen, you get sullen, angst-filled unhappiness. With Zooey, you get perky, free-spirited contentment.
The day I won’t drag my pathetic lazy ass over to the window to see if it’s raining, and then pay someone to open a can of Campbell’s and bring it to my house is the day I will happily sign myself into the Home.
Ditto. Also, where is this magical place where local restaurants deliver soup to you? Trust me, I’ve tried.
The only nice part about that whole soup crap is that its probably closer to Zooey’s normal diet (under a dietician naturally). I can’t stand it when they show really thin women constantly eating candy and burgers and snacks on TV just so they look goofy and cute.
I find it comforting to discover I’m not the only one perturbed by that detail. Only thing you can get delivered around here is pizza and I’m too far away from any of the good local chain’s locations for their delivery.
I live so far out that there is no delivery here either. I miss having pizza delivered, now I have to stay sober to drive to pick it up and then heat it up when I get home with it. Not so fun.
The pizza place just (1)throws some toppings into a bowl of water and (2)microwaves it for five minutes then (3) delivers it to Zooey and ((4)charges her $40. (5) Obscene-but-well-deserved PROFIT.
Campbell’s is not tomato soup. Do not be fooled by the label. I think the orange glop that comes out of the can is actually liquid rust, it looks and tastes like it.
This is the equivalent of porn for die-hard crafting hipsters who wouldn’t in a million years admit that Fruit of the Loom items are made less by the ‘adorkable’ Zooeys of the first world and more by the malnourished Joses and Kwames of the third world.
*Thought the Joses and Kwames line sounded bad on second glance, so for the record, I wasn’t trying to pigeonhole anybody or any ethnic group, I was just remarking that because Fruit of the Loom has sweatshops in South America and at least one in Africa (I wasn’t sure so I googled it).
Honestly, I thought that was legit the first time I watched it. As far as I know, that’s exactly what Zooey Deschanel sounds like, and those are her thoughts.
Sorry, you two, but since you’ve both admitted to having crushes on Zooey that concept is now mainstream. You both must now find yourself new, more obscure crushes.
I’m missing the joke…?
Probably because I’ve never seen the original video that this video is spoofing, nor do I know who this ‘zoey’ is you guys keep referencing. Help me out here.
I hadn’t heard a lot about her either… knew she existed, knew she had a pretty face and looked like Katy Perry, but didn’t realise exactly how goddamn irritating she is until doing some extensive googling.
In a nutshell: Hipster goddess who plays the qwirky image to the extreme. People love her because she’s “adorkable”, but everything she does seems to come across as contrived and forced more than anything else.
I fucking knew exactly what was going to be waiting for me when I saw the title on Facebook. Thank you for softening the blow with the billowy touch of remix.
“I am the most manicest pixie of all in the universe! My eyes are wide, my voice cutesy-high, I prance instead of walking OR riding I CAN’T EVEN PUT TOGETHER A SENTENCE I AM THE PIXIE QUEEEEEN!”
August 23, 2012 at 1:34 pm
Couldn’t have sung it better myself. Just to be clear, chlsld bufft thenigrart yea.
August 23, 2012 at 6:11 pm
I hate it when you guys fight like this! It has me on pins and needles.
August 24, 2012 at 9:40 am
Adorkable! Rawrr
August 23, 2012 at 1:35 pm
I hate this commercial with every fiber of my being.
But this just made me dye.
August 23, 2012 at 2:08 pm
Uh oh – I sense a pun thread looming.
August 23, 2012 at 2:54 pm
What makes you sew sure?
August 23, 2012 at 3:03 pm
Get typing people, cause we demand at least a 1200 thread count.
August 23, 2012 at 3:28 pm
You guys are so warped.
August 23, 2012 at 3:44 pm
This commercial frays my nerves.
August 23, 2012 at 4:04 pm
Hemmmm, I don’t know. This whole thread just reeks of bias.
August 23, 2012 at 4:05 pm
You guys are totally biased. Not a grain of decency among you.
August 23, 2012 at 4:08 pm
*snort*
You guys got me in stitches over here.
August 23, 2012 at 4:09 pm
Weave had enough.
I don’t know who this person is — obviously not a singer — and I can’t quite figure out if this is a paraody.
August 23, 2012 at 4:22 pm
I think Helen fabric-ated the whole thing!
August 23, 2012 at 4:27 pm
It cannot be selveged.
August 23, 2012 at 5:03 pm
Well, there’s a seersucker born every minute.
August 23, 2012 at 7:30 pm
I want to throw darts at this commercial, It’s curtains for you, I tell you, Curtains!(if I wasn’t such a FJL I’d post a picture of Carol Burnett’s Bob Mackie Curtain dress here!)
August 23, 2012 at 7:42 pm
August 23, 2012 at 4:28 pm
That’s why I weft.
August 23, 2012 at 4:38 pm
This whole thread has spun outta control.
August 23, 2012 at 4:39 pm
These are the worsted puns ever.
August 23, 2012 at 5:09 pm
Sateen take all of you!
August 23, 2012 at 6:23 pm
we just burlap up all this shite don’t we?
August 23, 2012 at 6:33 pm
Darn!
August 24, 2012 at 9:32 am
yarn!
August 24, 2012 at 4:33 pm
I’m weaving.
August 23, 2012 at 4:08 pm
I registered a username on Regretsy just so I wouldn’t get weft out of this thread.
August 23, 2012 at 5:13 pm
Are youse tryin’ to Muslin on our action?
August 23, 2012 at 5:21 pm
That would be going against the grain.
August 23, 2012 at 6:04 pm
A-hem! Enough with this woolgathering. You’re all warped, I tell ya!
August 23, 2012 at 6:07 pm
I hope we can iron out our differences.
August 23, 2012 at 6:28 pm
Too true, LeeLoo. I hate to see us needling each other like this. It really takes the starch out of me.
August 23, 2012 at 8:11 pm
I knitted my brow while I satin my chair just thinking about it.
August 23, 2012 at 8:23 pm
A hem!
August 23, 2012 at 10:39 pm
More puns? I just don’t cotton to that type of humor. Please just weevil the topic alone.
August 23, 2012 at 10:53 pm
What a moreen!
August 24, 2012 at 6:56 pm
oh, Brother!
August 25, 2012 at 4:48 pm
This is a pile of Dritz!
August 23, 2012 at 10:57 pm
Does seeing it causes you to change the channel in a fit of pique?
August 24, 2012 at 7:49 am
Don’t know why you were downthumbed—I know what pique fabric is.
August 24, 2012 at 8:46 am
Some people are too piquey.
August 23, 2012 at 11:24 pm
Someone made a version with disclaimers like a drug commercial: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7lYp94xZQ7Y
Pretty funny.
August 24, 2012 at 9:45 am
I love YouTube comments…
stop hatin on zooey! shes so fereals! shes perfect! you dont no zooey! she post pictures of herself doin everythin in that video! follow her on FB and youd no that! stop hatin on my zooey!!!!1!
August 23, 2012 at 1:37 pm
Upright piano, flea market, used record store, fixed wheel bike, super cute vintage dresses? BINGO! We are playing hipster bingo, right?
August 23, 2012 at 2:06 pm
With Zooey involved, it’s hipster bajingo!
Hey-ooo!
I’m here till Thursday!
And if you try the veal I will throw a bucket of red paint on you!
August 23, 2012 at 4:25 pm
In Australian, there’s a brand of tampons called Cottons. So it could be … let’s leave that there, shall we.
August 23, 2012 at 1:37 pm
Dafuq Zooey?!
August 23, 2012 at 1:48 pm
Why ride your bike when you can walk it?
August 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm
Because a short skirt with tights and 5″ spike heels are the perfect biking attire. I mean, if you want to use your bike as an accessory instead of transportation.
August 23, 2012 at 2:09 pm
I can ride a bike with a skirt and 6″ platforms, no problem.
In fact, I’ll be doing that next week.
August 23, 2012 at 2:16 pm
PICS or it didn’t happen.
August 23, 2012 at 2:41 pm
Fuck pics. Video!
August 23, 2012 at 4:15 pm
Fuck video. Tickets!
August 23, 2012 at 4:25 pm
I would only ever ride a bike with pumps. You know, just in case of flats.
August 23, 2012 at 7:08 pm
Zippy, that was like the Inception of jokes, srsly. SO MANY LEVELS.
August 23, 2012 at 4:10 pm
Awww, the burn. Burningmantime makes me more depressed than Christmasmantime. Cause I can’t afford either this year.
August 23, 2012 at 4:23 pm
What happens at Burning Man… I’m not interested in attending, but I sure appreciate the parade of fuckery every year! One of these days, I’m going to sit out on the side of the road with a beer and play Burner Bingo.
August 23, 2012 at 6:08 pm
Trust me you don’t want to go to Burning Man. It is just a bunch of idiots dressed in tiny top hats, steam-punk clothing and rainbow faux fur. It is the most annoying place on Earth, full of histrionic and narcissist personalities. I have been three times because my boyfriend loves it. Oh did I mention how much I hate Burning Man?
August 23, 2012 at 4:54 pm
As long as you’re doing it shirtless, Bronc.
August 23, 2012 at 6:35 pm
Time for the Highland Disco Games ALREADY?
August 23, 2012 at 5:02 pm
The heels are perfect for riding a bike. You can hook the heels over the pedals so your feet don’t slip off.
August 23, 2012 at 5:07 pm
But have you ever tried hooking the heels over the handle bars?
8 D
August 23, 2012 at 5:10 pm
Mustache I?
August 23, 2012 at 10:37 pm
I’m assuming that “riding a bike” and “pedals” are euphamisims?
August 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm
Bikes need to be walked a couple times a day, or they’ll pedal on your carpets.
August 23, 2012 at 2:02 pm
Well spoken.
August 23, 2012 at 2:08 pm
Train them with a choke chain.
August 23, 2012 at 2:24 pm
They say getting them fixed helps, but that’s just gearsay.
August 23, 2012 at 4:10 pm
Not to shift the topic, but all this drunken raving reminds me why I can’t handle bars.
August 23, 2012 at 6:28 pm
That’s too bad, ‘cuz I could wheely use a drink right now.
August 23, 2012 at 7:31 pm
I’m typing so much I’m worried about hand brakes
August 23, 2012 at 2:26 pm
Or on your bra?
August 23, 2012 at 4:15 pm
Boa scarf wrap poncho capelet cowl made us all forget about pedal bra. I only remember because someone posted a picture of bacon bra on that thread and – oh god, it happened again! Now I’m sleepy.
August 23, 2012 at 4:55 pm
Oh, THAT pedal bra. Duhhhh
August 23, 2012 at 2:39 pm
The kids from the white trash tribe across the street from me used to run up and down the block with their bikes because 1) No one taught then how to ride and 2) the bikes had flat tires.
August 23, 2012 at 4:15 pm
That’s…kinda sad.
August 23, 2012 at 4:31 pm
You forgot to mention they were doing that to charge batteries to put in their Nintendo Wii.
August 23, 2012 at 4:37 pm
This was back in the days of the first Nintendo. And batteries? They just walked up to the A&P and stole them.
August 23, 2012 at 4:41 pm
It’s hard to drink earl grey while riding a bike.
August 23, 2012 at 6:17 pm
You could do it ironically with a camelback.
August 23, 2012 at 1:58 pm
I’m waiting for the zombie attack. There is a zombie attack in part 2, right?
August 23, 2012 at 4:32 pm
I’ll eat my own brain if there isn’t one pretty soon…
August 23, 2012 at 2:01 pm
Tips from the Zooey Deschanel School of Acting:
Emotions –
Love – Slightly open mouth, tilt head to side, stare at spot one foot to the right and eight feet behind the camera.
Hate – Slightly open mouth, tilt head to side, stare at spot one foot to the right and eight feet behind the camera.
Fear – Slightly open mouth, tilt head to side, stare at spot one foot to the right and eight feet behind the camera.
Joy – Slightly open mouth, tilt head to side, stare at spot one foot to the right and eight feet behind the camera.
Anxiety – Slightly open mouth, tilt head to side, stare at spot one foot to the right and eight feet behind the camera.
Confusion – Slightly open mouth, tilt head to side, stare at spot one foot to the right and eight feet behind the camera.
Next week – Tips on how to better narrowcast your appeal to your cupcake hipster base!
August 23, 2012 at 4:38 pm
Reminds me of an old episode of MST3K “Alien in LA” where they coin the phrase.. “Dull Surprise” to describe the faaaaabulous acting in that movie.
August 24, 2012 at 7:27 pm
That’s a great episode! Crow would use a hilarious falsetto valley-girl voice to mimic Kathy Ireland.
August 23, 2012 at 4:54 pm
Yet I’d still take this range of emotion over Kristen Stewart any bloody day.
August 24, 2012 at 7:33 pm
It depends on what you look for in an actress. With Kristen, you get sullen, angst-filled unhappiness. With Zooey, you get perky, free-spirited contentment.
August 24, 2012 at 9:51 am
That’s a perfect list of Why I Can’t Stand Zooey Deschanel And Refuse To Watch Anything She Stars In.
August 23, 2012 at 2:08 pm
But I’ve heard of cotton balls, and I want to stick some in my ears right about now, if that can make me un-hear this.
August 23, 2012 at 2:15 pm
Was that April doing the voice over? Seriously this commercial can’t get any more desperate. April, do her IPhone one next!
August 23, 2012 at 2:27 pm
The day I won’t drag my pathetic lazy ass over to the window to see if it’s raining, and then pay someone to open a can of Campbell’s and bring it to my house is the day I will happily sign myself into the Home.
August 23, 2012 at 3:15 pm
Ditto. Also, where is this magical place where local restaurants deliver soup to you? Trust me, I’ve tried.
The only nice part about that whole soup crap is that its probably closer to Zooey’s normal diet (under a dietician naturally). I can’t stand it when they show really thin women constantly eating candy and burgers and snacks on TV just so they look goofy and cute.
…I’m gonna go eat some cookies now
August 23, 2012 at 4:05 pm
I find it comforting to discover I’m not the only one perturbed by that detail. Only thing you can get delivered around here is pizza and I’m too far away from any of the good local chain’s locations for their delivery.
August 23, 2012 at 4:22 pm
I live so far out that there is no delivery here either. I miss having pizza delivered, now I have to stay sober to drive to pick it up and then heat it up when I get home with it. Not so fun.
August 23, 2012 at 4:25 pm
Damn you, now I want pizza. maybe I’ll schedule delivery for tomorrow.
August 23, 2012 at 4:39 pm
The pizza place just (1)throws some toppings into a bowl of water and (2)microwaves it for five minutes then (3) delivers it to Zooey and ((4)charges her $40. (5) Obscene-but-well-deserved PROFIT.
August 23, 2012 at 8:26 pm
We can get all sorts of random food delivered here (Chicago).
It’s kinda freaky.
August 23, 2012 at 5:05 pm
No one delivers soup in the US? The land of delivered meals and take out? Inconceivable.
They deliver soup where I live, admittedly, it wouldn’t be tomato soup
August 23, 2012 at 7:18 pm
The only place that delivers soup around here is the Chinese place. Mmmm, egg drop…
August 23, 2012 at 5:08 pm
Campbell’s is not tomato soup. Do not be fooled by the label. I think the orange glop that comes out of the can is actually liquid rust, it looks and tastes like it.
August 23, 2012 at 3:05 pm
This is the equivalent of porn for die-hard crafting hipsters who wouldn’t in a million years admit that Fruit of the Loom items are made less by the ‘adorkable’ Zooeys of the first world and more by the malnourished Joses and Kwames of the third world.
August 23, 2012 at 3:11 pm
*Thought the Joses and Kwames line sounded bad on second glance, so for the record, I wasn’t trying to pigeonhole anybody or any ethnic group, I was just remarking that because Fruit of the Loom has sweatshops in South America and at least one in Africa (I wasn’t sure so I googled it).
August 24, 2012 at 9:55 am
I think it’s considered OK to make racist and/or stereotyping comments as long as you’re sympathetic to those being stereotyped or…racistified…?
At least I hope so. Political correctness never made a problem go away.
August 23, 2012 at 4:01 pm
What the fuck did I just watch?!?!?!?!
August 23, 2012 at 8:29 pm
Just “Genius At Work” (all the genius happened after HKpril chucked the original soundtrack)
August 23, 2012 at 4:10 pm
LOL! I can’t believe how random that was.
August 23, 2012 at 4:10 pm
Honestly, I thought that was legit the first time I watched it. As far as I know, that’s exactly what Zooey Deschanel sounds like, and those are her thoughts.
August 23, 2012 at 4:24 pm
Me too! I just watched it again because you made me. It can’t be real, can it?
August 23, 2012 at 4:26 pm
I had to watch it again too. I’m sorry, but it was funny. That’s probably what my brain sounds like that from the outside sometimes.
August 23, 2012 at 4:39 pm
So this is what Helen has been doing instead of CF4L posts.
August 24, 2012 at 8:11 am
Seems fair to me, at least for now. Did you check out the latest Regretsy Theater post? Genius, I tell you!
August 23, 2012 at 4:43 pm
A lot of hipsters have to walk their fixies because they haven’t figured out how to stop on them yet.
August 23, 2012 at 4:44 pm
April, I think your pain pills are working too well.
Oh, and I ♥ this.
August 23, 2012 at 4:49 pm
I should be ashamed to say this, but I’m not because I’m a FJL – so I’ll fess up, I have such a girl crush on Zooey
August 23, 2012 at 4:55 pm
I have a girl crush on her too. It’s cool
August 24, 2012 at 11:36 am
Sorry, you two, but since you’ve both admitted to having crushes on Zooey that concept is now mainstream. You both must now find yourself new, more obscure crushes.
August 24, 2012 at 11:37 am
Yourselves, even. Ahhh, Nyquil is the bomb.
August 23, 2012 at 5:04 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 23, 2012 at 5:09 pm
Google is your friend, maybe it can help you out?
August 23, 2012 at 5:14 pm
Zoey Deschanel (sp?) is the actress who also stars on some hjpstar sitcom.
August 23, 2012 at 5:49 pm
I hadn’t heard a lot about her either… knew she existed, knew she had a pretty face and looked like Katy Perry, but didn’t realise exactly how goddamn irritating she is until doing some extensive googling.
In a nutshell: Hipster goddess who plays the qwirky image to the extreme. People love her because she’s “adorkable”, but everything she does seems to come across as contrived and forced more than anything else.
She wasn’t always ‘hip’ and ‘quirky’…
Fashion fail
She claims that she’s “had brown hair and bangs since [I] was 2″:
Big fat hipster liar.
Potential for fanship: Obliterated.
August 23, 2012 at 6:40 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 23, 2012 at 8:49 pm
Did you miss the “extensive googling” bit?
August 23, 2012 at 9:18 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 25, 2012 at 12:09 am
Aw shucks
August 23, 2012 at 5:08 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 23, 2012 at 5:52 pm
I don’t see the fascination with her.
August 23, 2012 at 6:11 pm
I fucking knew exactly what was going to be waiting for me when I saw the title on Facebook. Thank you for softening the blow with the billowy touch of remix.
August 23, 2012 at 6:19 pm
Siri has been playing with her little mind again.
August 23, 2012 at 6:42 pm
Song translation:
“I am the most manicest pixie of all in the universe! My eyes are wide, my voice cutesy-high, I prance instead of walking OR riding I CAN’T EVEN PUT TOGETHER A SENTENCE I AM THE PIXIE QUEEEEEN!”
August 23, 2012 at 8:02 pm
We’re all cracking up here in Pima.
August 23, 2012 at 10:09 pm
I kind of liked her in The Happening….let the down thumbing begin….
August 25, 2012 at 8:34 pm
What’s even better is that is led me to a video of a bulldog puppy.
Fuck all of you, I love puppies.
http://youtu.be/JCo5w6qukJY
December 13, 2012 at 1:20 pm
Oh no! What happened to the video? It was hilarious!