Regretsy Theatre
Sometimes, in my daily embittered trek through The World’s Most Vibrant Swap Meet™, I come across copy that’s so tortured and overwritten that it seems more like bad community theatre than an Etsy listing.
When that happens, I put down my drink and go to my little recording booth, where I try to do justice to these morsels of bat shit in the Nilla Wafer of life.
And now….
REGRETSY THEATRE PRESENTS: THE BACKPACK
August 22, 2012 at 1:34 pm
…Yeah, well, at least when I go to Target, I don’t have to stand in line with two hipster idiots trying to be pretentious and philosophical and think that their writing is as good as the Learning Annex assures them it is.
August 22, 2012 at 1:39 pm
Oh, but they’re NOT hipsters. They’re scoffing at the hipsters, while slurping lattes and joking about being a cut above mere lemmings whilst purchasing vintage rucksacks off a site that violates Etsy’s TOS.
So they’re not hipsters. They’re like… SuperHipsters. Even more utterly oblivious to their douchebaggery than your run-of-the-mill hipster.
August 22, 2012 at 1:50 pm
They are Url Hipsters.
Dude.
August 22, 2012 at 2:53 pm
Enter Joel Sheetz from Stage Right, holding his CANVAS AND LEATHER VINTAGE ARMY SURPLUS BACKPACK/RUCKSACK. The audience can see that he is ready for urban deployment.
Slow bongos play in the distance.
JOEL: I don’t wanna be like those preppies, hipsters or hippies. I’m not a lemming.
Enter his oft philosophical friend Riley.
RILEY: You’re not. You’re a LEAPING LEMMING.
Three zombies representing consumerism, conformity and mainstream shopping leap out and try to attack. Joel and Riley beat them with aforementioned rucksack/backpack. AAAAAAAAND SCENE.
August 22, 2012 at 4:57 pm
“Leaping Lemmings, Mr Strunk and Mr White! Our copy editor Annie just threw herself out the second story window!”
August 22, 2012 at 7:44 pm
The whole thing reminds me of Tom Stoppard’s “Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead”, which is a very excellent, scary, and sad parody of Hamlet. Ros and Guil would make mincemeat out of this sad, stupid fucker.
August 22, 2012 at 8:48 pm
Obviously the author wrote this after they failed to get the job writing copy for the J. Peterman catalog.
August 23, 2012 at 1:27 pm
It took me a few seconds to realize those were NOT “slow bajingos” playing in the distance…
August 23, 2012 at 1:51 pm
Wouldn’t “Screaming Rucksacks” be a great name for a band?
August 22, 2012 at 2:06 pm
The Target near my house is staffed by only hipsters and the elderly. The latter, probably ironically.
August 22, 2012 at 1:35 pm
Oh god, I cracked up at the echo effect on the “Joel Sheetz, Ready for adventure!”
August 22, 2012 at 1:50 pm
I forgot to turn down my speakers… the first one made me giggle… the second one made me poo my panties. classic.
August 23, 2012 at 9:21 am
That woke up my rats, they were terribly annoyed and said they’d told me before not to play sound in their office, or they’d kick me out and I could go do my work in a hipster bookstore-café. Need surplus army rucksack NOW!
(Were the opening riffs “The night they drove Old Dixie down”?)
August 22, 2012 at 1:35 pm
Every time I see a new Regretsy Theatre is up, I get the vapors.
Riley sounds like he has a punchable face.
August 22, 2012 at 1:36 pm
Or would, anyway, if he weren’t fictional. (I feel the need to clarify for some reason.)
August 22, 2012 at 1:51 pm
as drunk as I usually am clarification is needed…
August 22, 2012 at 8:05 pm
My sons went to grade school with a kid named Riley. He was the only kid in kindergarten with a pierced ear and hair down to his waist.
He eventually dropped out of high school and was later arrested for drug possession. So, yeah.
August 22, 2012 at 9:01 pm
Not all Rileys are bad! I had a high-school crush on a Riley. He had a braid half down his back and enormous glasses… sigh
August 22, 2012 at 1:35 pm
Are they admitting to being a reseller?
Also, this thing looks like its made of the crushed dreams of a Starbucks writing class.
August 22, 2012 at 9:03 pm
Leapinglemming.com is her own URL that redirects to her etsy shop. But, you can totally buy army surplus from cheaper sources. You would think it would be best not to remind people of that in your copy.
August 22, 2012 at 1:36 pm
Glorious.
When you did the JOEL SHEETZ…RUGGED INDIVIDUALIST… etc. part, I heard a bit of Finster come through. You should totally do one of these entirely in the voice of Miss Finster. Or maybe Clarabelle.
August 25, 2012 at 4:54 am
Majorly glorious!! …and what I would give to have April voiceover my copy…FUCK! A dream come true!! This was BRILLIANT!!
August 22, 2012 at 1:38 pm
Leaping Lemmings! That was wonderful! Thanks for the afternoon laugh!
August 22, 2012 at 7:46 pm
OH my god, based on the writing…could it be? I think we have 50 Shades of Reselling on our hands!
Also, this asshole has no idea how to write ad copy, nor how to write a damn short story. I’d be a lot more interested if Joe there got murdered at some point in the narrative, or if the backpack started to talk back.
August 24, 2012 at 5:21 am
I just envisioned dora’s talking back pack…biting joel’s face off zombie style. “Yum yum yum yum! Delicioso!”
August 24, 2012 at 7:00 pm
I would watch the shit out of that, especially if Helen did the voice of the backpack.
Perhaps it could be a luchador backpack. “EL MOCHILO IS COMING FOR YOU!”
August 22, 2012 at 1:39 pm
The army rucksack is the only sexy-sounding character in that story.
August 23, 2012 at 12:51 am
Nothing beats a good ruck.
August 22, 2012 at 1:39 pm
That was awesome. Although, I was hoping Joel Sheetz would sound a little more fuckable.
August 22, 2012 at 1:45 pm
It does sound like he might have skipped a couple of grades. Might be a risk if you’re not into statutory.
August 22, 2012 at 1:52 pm
That would have been his cousin, Joel Betweenthesheetz.
August 22, 2012 at 3:01 pm
Not to be confused with his other cousin Ikant Givetwosheetz.
August 22, 2012 at 4:24 pm
Or his ancestor Cotton Sheetz, nee Mather.
August 22, 2012 at 5:16 pm
or his Auntie, Brown Sheetzstain.
August 23, 2012 at 1:17 am
Judging from the story, I would have figured he’d been held back a few.
August 22, 2012 at 1:43 pm
Helen went off script near the end, and that is something different altogether as well as altogether different.
August 22, 2012 at 3:06 pm
Well, I like to put my stink on it.
August 22, 2012 at 3:20 pm
A vital step in the creative team work process. I read that on some fucked up web site…
August 22, 2012 at 5:11 pm
HK adding her stink to something rancid and putrid creating the classic “LePew Double stink”
Well played HK!!!!
August 22, 2012 at 5:12 pm
or “I smell what you did there”
August 22, 2012 at 7:51 pm
This is why you are one of my role models.
August 22, 2012 at 9:39 pm
Oh, Helen. You’re now second only to Morgan Freeman on my list of people I wish would narrate my life
Third being Gilbert Gottfried.
August 22, 2012 at 9:56 pm
I want Dennis Haysbert to narrate my life. Except for the really good parts, then I’d want April or James Earl Jones, depending on whether I was dressed and/or alone.
August 22, 2012 at 1:44 pm
wow. there are several items in this etsy shop with shitty stories for descriptions.
August 22, 2012 at 4:58 pm
I love the vintage maple syrup cans.
“Kissed with vintage rust”
Translation: rusted all to hell
August 22, 2012 at 1:44 pm
I absolutely LIVE for Regretsy Theatre.
August 22, 2012 at 1:48 pm
He will need room to carry extra clothes, snacks, and energy drinks…yet I hear no mention of condoms or a toothbrush. Is he going to some kind of weird hipster sleepover instead of getting laid?
August 22, 2012 at 2:26 pm
A rave, I’m guessing, with vomiting involved. Or bubble foam.
August 22, 2012 at 4:26 pm
With that voice – the only girls he’ll ever meet are Mrs Palm and her five daughters.
August 22, 2012 at 1:50 pm
Gosh, if only I’d known all I needed was a backpack in order to TACKLE THE WORLD. all this time…
August 22, 2012 at 1:50 pm
I’ll admit I kinda admire the creative and unique way the seller is attempting to sell their product, even if the exchange is a bit clumsily written.
However, something about the phrase, “Urban Deployment” bugs the ever loving shit out of me. It’s just… so ignorant sounding.
August 22, 2012 at 1:58 pm
To clarify my thoughts…
One on hand, I wish all the hipsters were forced to serve in the Military just to get a taste of reality. On the other hand, I find the idea of a mandatory draft oppressive and unconstitutional.
SO CONFLICTED.
August 22, 2012 at 2:11 pm
Urban Deployment?
More like Sub Urban Deployment.
August 31, 2012 at 6:50 pm
Yes, blindly killing innocent civilians would really turn them into well adjusted, respectable members of society..
August 22, 2012 at 2:16 pm
“Urban Deployment” bugs me too. It may bug me more than the horrible description.
August 22, 2012 at 3:42 pm
I thought ‘urban deployment’ meant sending all the workers out of the breakroom at Urban Outfitters . . .
August 22, 2012 at 8:12 pm
It’s an attempt to sound radical by people who are about as radical as my 85 year old neighbor, who spends all his time sitting on the front porch shaking his cane and yelling at those damn kids to get off his lawn (despite the fact they’re on the sidewalk).
August 22, 2012 at 1:53 pm
I was browsing through the rest of the store and realized that each product has a story like this. That’s . . . dedication, I guess?
August 22, 2012 at 2:08 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 22, 2012 at 2:41 pm
I’m still trying to figure out how this listing is supposed to make me want to buy that mixer at all. It’s basically suggesting I will be plagued by a little spawn that demands 5 dozen cupcakes in the middle of the night. I don’t want that kind of curse on me.
August 22, 2012 at 3:17 pm
While I am partial to that mixer, I would have told the demon spawn to hie his ass to bed and stopped at the grocery store for the cupcakes on the way to the stupid cub scouts meet.
Maybe that’s why I have no kids.
August 22, 2012 at 3:25 pm
Nothing useful or fun was open before 9 am in 1972. We lived like ANIMALS back then! The only kind of coffee was “coffee”. Are you feeling my pain?
August 22, 2012 at 3:41 pm
O.M.G. So un-hip. You are not ready for your tour of urban deployment, dude.
August 22, 2012 at 3:25 pm
That’s why my mom would have done. However, this would have never happened to my mom if I told her the cupcakes were needed in advance. She’s freakishly organized. And if I sprang it on her at 2:00AM I would have been in soooooo much trouble.
August 22, 2012 at 4:44 pm
Are you SURE you have no kids? You know too much.
August 23, 2012 at 1:55 pm
Cupcakes? They are little boys. They’d get Hydrox (not wasting my money on Oreos for spawn who don’t know any difference) and like it, or else!
August 22, 2012 at 4:34 pm
I am a mum and the scenario in my house would go something like this
Kid: I need 5 dozen cupcakes for this morning’s jamboree
Me: Go make them yourself
Kid: I can’t
Me: Why not
Kid: Because I’m a kid, you make them
Me: I can’t
Kid: Why not
Me: Because I’m sleeping. Have a nice jamboree
End of discussion. Kid learns lesson to tell mum well in advance.
August 23, 2012 at 1:36 pm
Wonder if they’d sell me the beaters alone. I already have the mixer, but the beaters were stolen during a zombie uprising. I’d tell you about it, but my writing is not flabby enough.
August 22, 2012 at 3:45 pm
Maybe the copy writers for the original “Banana Republic” catalog have found new deployment.
August 22, 2012 at 6:22 pm
Somebody spent too much time reading the J. Peterman catalog back in the 90s.
August 22, 2012 at 2:01 pm
Reading this description, I ponder the author and think…”Isn’t it sad when cousins marry?”
August 22, 2012 at 2:05 pm
My cat jumped about 6 feet when the rucksack screamed “Joel Sheetz.” Serves him right for sleeping in my inbox. I went to the store website and started reading all the other novella discriptions in different voices until I caught myself doing it out loud. Sadly, there are several nice items on the site I was interested in but won’t buy because a) pricing ending in 95 cents annoys me and b) the item description would haunt me forever.
August 22, 2012 at 4:57 pm
“My cat jumped about 6 feet when the rucksack screamed “Joel Sheetz.”
I guess this might qualify as one of the sentences you never expected to construct. I love it how regretsy expands the horizon of conversational expectations, one posting at a time.
August 22, 2012 at 6:39 pm
I think I peed a little…
August 22, 2012 at 2:14 pm
Thank you April . this made my day
i only wish my inner monologue sounded this great
August 22, 2012 at 2:43 pm
When I win the lottery, I’m going to get Helen to record all my inner monologues for me. Dude, I’m gonna be so rich that I won’t even have to think. (because, yeah, that’s gonna be huge change…)
August 23, 2012 at 4:28 pm
The voice of my inner monologue has already turned into April’s voice… when it’s not being usurped by Pinkey.
August 22, 2012 at 2:20 pm
With that list of stuff he has to have in his backpack, he would probably be better off with a rolling suitcase. Or in this case, perhaps a vintage rolling trunk would be better. Bonus points if the trunk has vintage travel stickers on it, making him seem much more interesting than he really is.
August 22, 2012 at 2:22 pm
Maybe the seller can Czech and see if he has any of those.
August 22, 2012 at 2:58 pm
Would’t pulling a heavy burden make you a Slovaker?
August 22, 2012 at 3:13 pm
I bet it would also make you Hungary.
August 22, 2012 at 3:26 pm
If we continue in this direction there’ll be Turkey!
August 22, 2012 at 3:50 pm
Are you saying this thread is heading south?
August 22, 2012 at 3:52 pm
SxSE
August 22, 2012 at 3:55 pm
Yeah, yeah, details…
August 22, 2012 at 5:15 pm
Joel sheets should be ruck sacked
August 22, 2012 at 3:26 pm
How about a remote controlled rolling case?
August 23, 2012 at 4:29 pm
I’ll take one!
August 23, 2012 at 1:38 pm
Vintage golf cart.
August 22, 2012 at 2:26 pm
A cross between NPR and the J Peterman catalog. What a great laugh!
August 22, 2012 at 9:57 pm
“Wait, Wait, Don’t Sell Me!”
August 22, 2012 at 2:26 pm
I’m a writing teacher. On the rare occasions I come across a piece of writing that uses subjects, verbs, and objects in correct order, I tear up a little. And when that same piece attempts a creative voice, omniscient p.o.v., character-revealing details, and more-or-less-ok punctuation, I become almost giddy and gratified, and can tell myself (at least for that moment) that my life has not been a complete waste.
In conclusion, I kinda liked it.
August 22, 2012 at 2:29 pm
Oh, my friend. *pats shoulder* You’ve been grading too much crap. I recommend doing something nice for yourself before the school year starts and it gets really bad.
Like chucking it all and spending five months on vacation somewhere you don’t know the language and can’t read anything.
August 24, 2012 at 1:00 pm
Maybe I’ll settle for just getting really, really high.
August 22, 2012 at 3:54 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 22, 2012 at 9:59 pm
I had an English teacher that looked like Mrs. Finster. She loved Faulkner to the point she may have had a Faulkner-shaped sex toy. She taught me to despise Faulkner.
Competely irrelevant, but it’s been on my mind so I thought I’d share.
August 22, 2012 at 2:31 pm
Nine feet in the air at “JOEL SHEETZ!!!!!”
I think I need that as a ringtone.
August 22, 2012 at 2:42 pm
This description makes me think that someone needs to make an etsy app that will randomly generate painful hipster item descriptions that include all the buzz words of the day. Something like the website that randomly generates 50 shades of grey style dialogue, only with less smut.
August 22, 2012 at 2:54 pm
April, you are the best. Best what II’ m not sure. However, i will retire to a private area . With the appropriate devices and listen once more. I may need more echo.
August 22, 2012 at 3:04 pm
These backpacks also came in handy during Prague Spring Break.
August 22, 2012 at 3:55 pm
FLOL!
August 22, 2012 at 5:18 pm
FJLOL!!
August 22, 2012 at 3:06 pm
Could you get this made into a Beavis and Butthead cartoon? Dude, that would be so awesome.
August 22, 2012 at 4:37 pm
I thought it was a Beavis and Butthead cartoon.
August 22, 2012 at 3:09 pm
Can we get these leaping lemmings a cliff? Thanks.
August 22, 2012 at 4:37 pm
Only if you are authorised by Disney
August 22, 2012 at 3:14 pm
Seven leaping lemmiings go leaping off the lemming cliff because this seller saw the need to use their Etsy listing as a storyboard.
August 22, 2012 at 6:05 pm
Isn’t that part of a Christmas carol?
August 22, 2012 at 3:15 pm
I got suckered in to reading about the “super cute” Scottie dog purse – the protagonist eats dog biscuits. Yuck.
August 22, 2012 at 3:19 pm
Ah, but what kind of dog biscuits/treats? Three Dog Bakery makes really good ones out of all natural stuffs…
I think I just admitted to trying dog treats.
August 22, 2012 at 4:19 pm
They eat OUR food. Fair’s fair.
August 22, 2012 at 3:22 pm
*snorts* I think if I had been drinking anything at all, that would have shot out of my nose! That was fucking fantastic! I so wish you could record my voicemail greeting (but bring Rob and Maurice along!)
August 22, 2012 at 3:28 pm
The ‘Story Telling Voice’ is so fantastic!
August 22, 2012 at 3:30 pm
“Thirteen Lemmings Leaping” was the point at which My True Love had gone overboard, and I had to break up with her.
August 22, 2012 at 3:33 pm
This was my first encounter with Regretsy Theatre.
Effing divine.
August 22, 2012 at 4:19 pm
There are two past ones linked at the top of the comments. Enjoy!!!
August 22, 2012 at 4:12 pm
Ah, delicious bat shit. Just what I needed today!
Heh heh. Heh heh. Dude, you said lemming! Heh heh.
August 22, 2012 at 4:13 pm
I would kill with fire a backpack of any nationality that screamed SHEETZ!
August 22, 2012 at 4:16 pm
April – I LOVE this! As a drama teacher/voice-over geek, I think a Regretsy Theatre redo of the Stauer Catalog is in order!
http://www.stauer.com/item/Tudor-Emerald%2C-Ruby-%26-Garnet-Pendant-%2835-CTW%29/21471/137
http://www.stauer.com/item/Limona-Citrine-Necklace-%28500-CTW%29/21062
August 22, 2012 at 6:11 pm
Gakkkkk! Why oh why didn’t I follow the sage advice of never following a link posted here?
August 22, 2012 at 4:46 pm
Has “Bohemian” finally come full circle, through Beatnik, Hippy, Punk and Hipster, all the way back to Bohemia?
August 22, 2012 at 4:58 pm
Bohemia is dead.
(Dearly beloved, we’re gathered here to say our goodbyes…)
August 22, 2012 at 10:00 pm
Scandalous!
August 22, 2012 at 4:53 pm
But why does he need to carry a change of clothes with him? Everywhere, all the time?
August 22, 2012 at 6:08 pm
Because every time the backpack screams at him, he craps his pants?
August 23, 2012 at 7:18 pm
OK, I’ve now read your response close to a dozen times, and it still makes me laugh. Congrats
August 22, 2012 at 5:18 pm
This is nothing like my college experience… for that you need one rucksack full of: angry punk music, sketch books and colored pencils, tiny bottles of liquor rescued from a mini fridge at a hotel party, drugs, the communist manifesto, more drugs, and any number of books by Hunter S Thompson.
August 22, 2012 at 5:35 pm
You had a much better college experience than I. My canvas backpack was filled with 50 pounds of physics and engineering books and spiral notebooks. And since I was on double secret probation since 2nd semester freshman year, I wasn’t allowed to have any fun at all.
August 22, 2012 at 6:49 pm
In all fairness I did shortly there after get preggers and drop out with 2/3′s a BA in art history. I much later went on to fast track my RN = 2.5 years of non stop torture via nonstop studying and heavy ass anatomy & physiology books. I think my Pharmacology book could have stopped a bullet.
August 31, 2012 at 6:59 pm
someone’s edgy.
August 22, 2012 at 5:33 pm
Oh, HKApril, I can listen to you read to me ALL DAY LONG.
August 22, 2012 at 6:12 pm
Helen, you are a magnificent bastard. Posts like this are the reason Regretsy is the best place in the world to get in touch with my inner FJL.
August 22, 2012 at 6:41 pm
Good news folks, you can go to the online army surplus store and get these backpacks for the same price, or less, and without the psuedoprose on top of it!
They’re even “vintage!”
August 22, 2012 at 9:03 pm
Priceless… reminds me of this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Z2Z23SAFVA
August 22, 2012 at 11:04 pm
Regretsy Theatre is quickly becoming one of my favorites. I think Flounce Cats still are number one, but it’s soo close!
August 23, 2012 at 2:17 am
Thumbing earls is quit impolite.
August 23, 2012 at 2:18 am
quite*
I prostrate myself for such an error.
August 23, 2012 at 7:21 am
You remind me a little of Laurie Anderson in this recording.
August 23, 2012 at 1:54 pm
More of this!
August 23, 2012 at 5:59 pm
these NEVER work for me.
I always get a flash error thing. It makes me very cross! I’m missing out on SO MUCH.
August 24, 2012 at 1:06 am
Do you have the current version of Flash on your ‘puter, amurana? That’s all I can think of to get it working.
August 24, 2012 at 5:22 am
I love you, Ellen.
August 24, 2012 at 5:24 am
And this is exactly why I love you, Ellen.
August 24, 2012 at 9:06 am
I just laughed so hard. This is genius.
August 24, 2012 at 3:37 pm
Tank you sir, may I have another HELEN KILLER!
August 25, 2012 at 5:44 pm
I feel the need to push these guys off a cliff.
August 25, 2012 at 11:18 pm
I posted a link to this on their Facebook page (I was stoned, it made sense at the time). They seem to be good sports!
August 27, 2012 at 3:47 pm
April,
You have such a nice voice. Have you ever thought of doing voice-over work professionally?
September 14, 2012 at 7:53 am
I laughed to the point of tears. Everyone at work wonders why I’m crying.
Thank you