Regretsy Math
- Submitted by Jody
A couple of weeks ago, the Centro de Estudios Borjanos in Borja, Spain, received a donated fresco from the granddaughter of 19th-century painter Elías García Martínez.
This is how the painting looked two years ago:
This image is how it looked in July, when it was photographed for a catalog of regional religious art:
This is how it looks today:
The restoration is the work of an elderly neighbor of the church, who took it upon herself to restore the painting.
“She had good intentions, but did not ask permission,” said culture councillor Juan Maria de Ojeda.
- Source
REGRETSY MATH:
August 21, 2012 at 6:03 pm
Sweet hedgehog Jesus.
August 21, 2012 at 6:03 pm
Also, is he wearing a SNOOD?!
August 21, 2012 at 6:38 pm
Hey, show some respect… that’s the Snood of God, that takes away the sins of the world.
August 21, 2012 at 6:56 pm
You misspelled “wool”
August 21, 2012 at 6:58 pm
have mercy on us.
August 21, 2012 at 7:02 pm
Iiiiii… don’t know how to paaaaaaint him… what’s it all about? He scares me so
August 22, 2012 at 7:03 pm
After years of scientific analysis, the Snood Of Turin has been determined to be authentic.
August 21, 2012 at 6:04 pm
While she might not be able to paint, perhaps she has a gift of rhyme…
August 21, 2012 at 6:13 pm
She may, but only some of the time.
August 21, 2012 at 6:17 pm
Are there future commissions ahead?
August 21, 2012 at 6:22 pm
Only over the body of Juan Maria de Ojeda, if he’s dead.
August 21, 2012 at 6:51 pm
Have they taken her paint away?
August 21, 2012 at 7:04 pm
Anybody want a peanut?
…Ah, dammit.
August 23, 2012 at 8:42 am
but her painting skills aren’t worth a dime.
August 22, 2012 at 2:22 pm
Cecilia,
You’ve screwed up real art,
You’re shaking my confidence daily.
Oh, Cecilia,
I’m down on my knees
Take your brushes and please go on home
August 21, 2012 at 6:04 pm
Ecce clownface.
August 21, 2012 at 7:51 pm
BE NICE TO ANDRE THE GIANT!
August 21, 2012 at 6:04 pm
I’m actually kind of amgry.
August 21, 2012 at 6:05 pm
Apparently so angry I can’t spell it.
August 22, 2012 at 12:55 am
I feel the same rage swelling inside me as when my dad took my picture-diary (part of a summer vacation homework…yeah, Only In Japan) and “improved” my drawing of an amusement park without asking me.
If you want to be like my dad and put on a smug face saying “there, I made it all BETTER for you,” then you’d better beat me to it.
August 22, 2012 at 12:24 pm
I’m angry too, but also kind of confused. How did the painting make in from the 19th century and remain pristine looking and then in only TWO YEARS deteriorate so much?
Clearly they didn’t really care about preserving this art work in the first place.
August 22, 2012 at 2:37 pm
One theory is that the second photo may show the old biddy’s beginnings on her “restoration”. She probably scraped off the loose bits, then. IMO fergit theory; someone go next door and ask her if she did that.
August 21, 2012 at 6:08 pm
Could be worse
August 21, 2012 at 6:51 pm
I’m actually way more ok with this…
August 21, 2012 at 10:38 pm
At least this could be passed off as a cave painting.
August 22, 2012 at 2:50 am
Yes, I somehow like it, too. He looks so friendly and happy. This could be nice on a t-shirt for Christian free hugs enthusiasts. Not sure if it would lead to many cuddles, but it would make me go all ‘awww’ from a safe distance, say 50m, with a small fence in between.
August 22, 2012 at 12:34 pm
Be a good design for church group t-shirts. Put stick-Christ on the front and add something about loving thy neighbour or feeding the hungry or something like that on the back and you’re set.
August 22, 2012 at 3:52 pm
Better be a Christian SIDE hug….
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_Oj0-splZw
August 22, 2012 at 10:29 pm
I just watched that video . . . are they . . . no they can’t . . . be serious? Seriously?
August 21, 2012 at 6:11 pm
Restoration. I do not think that word means what she thinks it means.
August 21, 2012 at 6:12 pm
Somebody really likes 19-century religious paintings art and someone else was trying really hard to cover it up.
August 21, 2012 at 6:14 pm
Wow. Beware of people with good intentions and too much time on their hands.
August 21, 2012 at 6:14 pm
BEST. REGRETSY. MATH. EVER! Looks like Jesus is wearing a pantyhose over his face.
August 21, 2012 at 6:59 pm
Watch out, convenience stores everywhere.
August 21, 2012 at 7:06 pm
My Lord and Savior, you got a panty on yer head.
August 21, 2012 at 6:16 pm
My question is what happened in the two years between the almost perfect image and the damage in the middle? Who let the painting decay so badly in the first place?
August 21, 2012 at 6:19 pm
Looks like humidity/temperature damage, or maybe veneration (people touching the painting, asking for a miracle) assuming anyone was allowed to get close enough for that to happen – which I’d wager they were based on the ‘restoration’.
August 21, 2012 at 6:36 pm
Man, this makes me sad. I work in a museum, and it’s heartbreaking to see art badly handled and “restored” like this.
I guess we just can’t have nice things…*mutter mutter*
August 21, 2012 at 6:41 pm
While I agree and shudder to think that this work of art was so terribly ‘restored,’ at the same time, I kind of would love to host a gameshow where you printed out little replicas of famous paintings, damaged them, and then gave random civilians 5 minutes to fix it.
It could be called, ‘So You Think You Can Trans…form Artwork?’
Alright, so the title is a work in progress. Sue me.
August 21, 2012 at 7:12 pm
I would watch that show.
August 21, 2012 at 7:57 pm
Maybe it could be like family feud, pitting two hilariously weird families against each other.
There could be a little hillbilly boy on one side screaming, “Come on, GRANDMA! You’ve only got 15 seconds to fill in Starry Starry Night!” and a businessman dad on the other side furiously trying to get the Mona Lisa’s smile to look enigmatic again.
August 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm
How is it the Everything Hillbillies Do is a TV show, and this isn’t?
August 21, 2012 at 10:28 pm
Oh my goodness I so badly want this to be a real show. Can somebody please make this happen in their artistic ability?
August 22, 2012 at 7:34 am
Isn’t this what time-lapse photography and YouTube is for?
August 21, 2012 at 6:42 pm
I don’t know, my money says the old lady did it intentionally so she’d have the opportunity to destroy mankind through our nightmares.
August 21, 2012 at 8:03 pm
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August 21, 2012 at 9:30 pm
August 22, 2012 at 2:30 am
Uh, hello? The Centro’s blog says the first picture was from 2010, the second was from a month ago, and the last was just since then. Even the Google translation shows that easily enough.
August 22, 2012 at 8:01 am
If you think that kind of art is “unique,” you obviously haven’t spent much time on Etsy.
August 22, 2012 at 8:28 am
Sampler of Etsy-grade Jesus art:
August 22, 2012 at 9:54 am
I’m imagining a quilt…
August 22, 2012 at 7:41 pm
I’m looking at the last one and all I can see is shoujo Jesus… and it frightens me.
August 22, 2012 at 8:45 pm
I actually kinda like the one with the blue sides…
August 24, 2012 at 11:00 am
I dunno. That one kinda looks like Marc Maron to me.
…which is giving me a helluva theological headache.
August 23, 2012 at 7:11 am
#6 looks very jolly. Santa Christ?
August 24, 2012 at 6:28 pm
Okay, does #4 remind anyone else of Julia Gillard? (Australian Prime Minister)
August 24, 2012 at 6:54 pm
August 22, 2012 at 7:27 am
According to The Independent, the removal of the old paint was a part of the old woman’s restoration process.
http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/art/news/elderly-woman-destroys-19thcentury-spanish-fresco-by-elias-garcia-martinez-in-botched-restoration-8073267.html
August 22, 2012 at 10:32 pm
Actually, no. Evidently the elderly restorer started her work by scrubbing the work in an effort to clean it. (GAH! As an artist, that makes me scream like the damned . . . ) I’m not sure why they didn’t protect the work after the first vandalis – uh – restoration effort, but what do I know?
August 22, 2012 at 10:35 pm
Sorry, ManDoorEtc. I was responding to the original comment. didn’t see yours there. You are in fact correct!
August 21, 2012 at 6:18 pm
The truly Christian thing for the church to do is to take up a collection to buy that old bat some GLASSES.
August 21, 2012 at 6:35 pm
or art lessons………….
August 22, 2012 at 3:35 pm
Better idea: crocheting lessions. She should never go near paint again.
August 22, 2012 at 4:56 pm
Crocheting lesions?
Hey, there’s an idea for undead pasties.
August 23, 2012 at 3:27 pm
Spelling fail, or awesome idea?
August 21, 2012 at 6:21 pm
Ehhh I like my Jesus non-threatening, and slightly Downs looking.
August 21, 2012 at 6:26 pm
I’m more shocked by the fact that the 19th century fresco was in excellent condition when handed over and then almost destroy in 2 years.
August 21, 2012 at 8:36 pm
I agree! What the heck happened to it? That church must have some wild parties!
August 22, 2012 at 12:27 am
Just poor climate control.
August 21, 2012 at 6:31 pm
There aren’t proper symbols for me to make the emote jawdrop big enough for that one. This: “D: times ten thousand” might adequately show my emotion.
August 21, 2012 at 6:32 pm
This is the LAST time we let Mr. Bean around art
August 22, 2012 at 7:52 pm
This is pretty much what I thought of.
August 21, 2012 at 6:48 pm
Lou Diamond Phillips looks cold.
August 21, 2012 at 6:53 pm
I like how she added a bottom roll to the scroll. She not only is a poor artist, she’s OCD.
August 21, 2012 at 7:10 pm
Ooooh! I know what my Christmas card will be this year!
August 21, 2012 at 8:42 pm
Is that a Drama Llama? Really, Lemon Bombs, a drama llama with the baby-whatever-the-hell-that-is?
August 21, 2012 at 9:31 pm
Everything needs a llama. It’s a rule.
August 22, 2012 at 3:38 pm
How about adding in the Dalai Lama?
August 22, 2012 at 7:36 am
How can I get on your Christmas card list? HOW?
August 22, 2012 at 8:56 am
I’ll take 10!!
August 22, 2012 at 4:02 am
Bombs, I like it how you’re so cool-minded over the rest of us who just cry and laugh and party for humanity.
August 22, 2012 at 9:38 pm
But I’m partying on the inside.
August 21, 2012 at 7:05 pm
I’m wondering why she didn’t stop once she realized she was making a clusterfuck of the whole thing. Did she honestly think she was doing a good job?, and why didn’t someone intervene?
August 21, 2012 at 7:10 pm
Reminds me of the weird alien in Star Wars in the bar on Tatooine. The guy that Obi Wan cut off his hand?
August 21, 2012 at 7:20 pm
Oh man. I’ve seen some terrible stuff on Regretsy, but it almost always makes me laugh. This one just makes me really, really sad.
August 21, 2012 at 7:25 pm
Babushka Jesus.
August 21, 2012 at 8:21 pm
Babushka Charles Nelson Reilly!
August 23, 2012 at 4:36 am
I’m imagining this is the woman who painted it. Only without glasses.
August 21, 2012 at 7:40 pm
Ok, so you’re never too old to make the biggest mistake of your life, huh?
At first I was sad, and then I laughed and laughed. Someone set this lady up with an etsy shop, so she can take commissions!
August 21, 2012 at 7:49 pm
I just… Okay, so I admittedly know very little about art restoration, but doesn’t it follow that you’d use what’s already there as kind of a guide and fill in what’s missing to match the rest? WHY does it look like this lady said “Oh screw it, we’ll just paint a beige circle over the head and start over.”
August 21, 2012 at 8:11 pm
You obviously don’t deal with lonely, bored old biddies very often. I could totally see my grandmother Doing this and doing it this badly in her late 80s or early 90s.
August 22, 2012 at 3:36 am
Does she really, really like hedgehogs, too?
August 22, 2012 at 4:33 am
Last I checked she calls all birds Turkeys.
August 22, 2012 at 10:47 pm
Well, in my expert opinion, with years of art restoration experience, the first rule of restoration is to, well, not fuck the object up.
The second rule is SERIOUSLY DO NOT FUCK THE OBJECT UP.
I’ve spent days with the most delicate tools and solutions, painstakingly going over a few square inches of something under a microscope. I have to say that I honestly can’t remember using steel wool and clorox on a fresco. Maybe I’m just not doing it right . . .
August 21, 2012 at 7:59 pm
How the hell did the Centro de Estudios Borjanos ever let anyone near the fresco long enough to do this much damage? I would seriously have to knock that woman upside the head.
August 21, 2012 at 8:09 pm
It’s a random fresco in some minor church from what I could tell. The church was probabably open and barely supervised (if at all). I’m guessing this was only noticed because the donation of a painting by the artist piqued somebody at the Center’s interest, and they actively went looking for the fresco.
August 22, 2012 at 7:37 am
my eyes were playing tricks on me. I could have sworn I read:
“… and they actively went looking for the fiasco.”
August 23, 2012 at 3:53 pm
FOUND IT.
August 23, 2012 at 2:03 am
Well, that almost makes me feel better. Still want to smack her though.
August 21, 2012 at 8:09 pm
What have you done to his eyes?!?
August 21, 2012 at 8:10 pm
NAILED IT.
August 21, 2012 at 8:29 pm
TOO SOON!
August 21, 2012 at 9:13 pm
NOW I’M CROSS WITH BOTH OF YOU!
August 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm
WOOD YOU JUST STOP?
August 21, 2012 at 9:39 pm
HERE COMES THE CALVARY!
August 22, 2012 at 12:33 am
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August 22, 2012 at 9:33 am
How do you guys Gethsemane great ideas? Ouch. I pulled an agnostic hamstring on that one.
August 22, 2012 at 11:10 am
PUNTIUS PILATE CONDEMNS YOU ALL
August 27, 2012 at 7:48 pm
Don’y you mean Pontius Palette?
August 22, 2012 at 8:45 am
Again, I wish I had more thumbs up to give
August 22, 2012 at 12:39 pm
This is getting silly. I’m washing my hands of this whole discussion.
August 21, 2012 at 11:19 pm
Needs more nail-polish covered crufication nail!
August 21, 2012 at 8:16 pm
Man… I haven’t felt this depressed over the destruction of a work of art since that destroyed antique violin post, which incidentally, was how I first discovered Regretsy to begin with.
By the way, what ever became of the seller of that Violin? Was there ever any last word?
August 21, 2012 at 8:22 pm
I’m an atheist, and this offends me, because I’m also an art lover. That fresco was Art. Now it’s roadkill.
I think the owl wants revenge….
August 21, 2012 at 10:15 pm
Same here, I kind of feel like somebody punched me in the gut after seeing this. Religious or not, I still have a great deal of respect for both the piece and the artist.
August 22, 2012 at 4:05 am
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August 22, 2012 at 8:32 am
It’s relevant because it demonstrates that appreciation of religious art is not limited to the religious.
I’m agnostic myself, and it upsets me.
August 23, 2012 at 2:49 am
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August 21, 2012 at 8:35 pm
(P.S. The fresco wasn’t donated by the artist’s grand-daughter. She made a donation to the Centro that revived their interest in the artist. The Centro went to take a look at the fresco and found Owl Lord.)
August 21, 2012 at 8:42 pm
You’re right. The original article mentions that too.
Whoever translated it for English did a piss-poor job.
August 21, 2012 at 10:28 pm
It’s not even possible to physically donate a fresco unless one manages to cut out and transport a segment of old, thick brick/stone wall in one piece.
Whoever translated this was about as good at their chosen task (redoing a text in another language) as the churchgoer was at redoing Jesus. Which is kind of fitting, come to think of it.
=> Postmodern multi-discipline clusterfuck! Wow! This definitely is a new art form.
August 22, 2012 at 10:02 am
Owl Father,
Who roost in rafters
Hollow eyed, woolen mane
in kitsch begun
artwork undone
August 22, 2012 at 1:26 pm
Does this mean well have to start taking owl pellets for communion?
August 21, 2012 at 8:37 pm
I found the ‘two years’ in between the first two photos suspect, so I looked up the original article in Spanish. It doesn’t state the date that the first photo was taken, just that they last *wrote* about it in an article in 2010 and that the first photo was how it looked like in it’s original state.
You can read it here:
http://cesbor.blogspot.com.es/2012/08/un-hecho-incalificable.html
August 22, 2012 at 2:35 am
Of course, that also shows that it’s “inspired” by others’ paintings (i.e. copied).
August 21, 2012 at 8:42 pm
Jc might have come back back from the dead but I don’t think even he can come back from this.
August 21, 2012 at 9:15 pm
People have been saying that since (wait for it) the Spanish Inquisition.
August 21, 2012 at 9:26 pm
I didn’t expect that.
August 21, 2012 at 10:03 pm
No one does.
August 21, 2012 at 10:46 pm
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August 24, 2012 at 7:13 am
Last time I checked he really did exist. Maybe you should pick up a history book sometime.
Hint: you need to look around the time of the Romans.
There are very few (if any) historians and scholars who feel Jesus was not an ‘actual’ person.
August 21, 2012 at 8:42 pm
Somehow this brings to mind “Squidbillies”. I think I may have had too much sangria. Or not enough.
August 22, 2012 at 9:35 am
My vote is the latter.
August 21, 2012 at 8:49 pm
I’m an art lover, but I can’t feel any outrage over this… it’s too damn hilarious.
August 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm
I want to send her my picture and $50 and see what she paints.
August 21, 2012 at 9:40 pm
Someone tell her there are some portraits in the White House that need touching up.
August 22, 2012 at 4:15 am
I have a feeling you would get something looking exactly the same. Plus she’d probably paint it on another wall of Estudios Borjanos and charge you shipping for the whole wall.
August 21, 2012 at 9:44 pm
Sadly, I’m reminded of the “restoration” of Hoggle.
http://www.sowatzka.com/gary/hoggle.html
August 22, 2012 at 4:03 am
Totally random coincidence here, but I’ve seen Hoggle in real life both pre- and post-restoration, and those pictures are TERRIBLE. He actually looks pretty good, if I do say so myself.
Though yeah, he looked like a decaying zombie before they fixed him. I pity whoever had to open that particular box when they first got him.
August 22, 2012 at 4:20 am
Good to know! In the photos he looks like Joan Rivers after procedure 740.
August 22, 2012 at 10:04 am
I don’t see how he could look good post-restoration, unless more work was done after that last picture was taken. The original had wrinkles and texture and shading to the face. The restoration was smooth-faced with random blotches of brown paint.
August 22, 2012 at 3:10 pm
If I remember correctly, Jim Henson studios, the original creators, took him back for additional work and made him movie-accurate again.
August 21, 2012 at 10:03 pm
August 21, 2012 at 10:42 pm
What kind of place is this Centro where old ladies can walk in and randomly remove paintings and doctor them up and no one notices? From now on they should only be given Thomas Kincaid paintings. Who cares what nonnies do to those?
August 22, 2012 at 5:40 am
A fresco is painted directly onto a wet plaster wall.
August 22, 2012 at 9:21 am
Well then that is even worse. She had the time to stand there and “fix ” that and no one noticed?
October 11, 2012 at 12:53 pm
it’s why the Lord’s Supper is crumbled so badly… Divinci did it on dry plaster… it’s been damaged repeatedly. At the very least DiVinci didn’t play a mean joke and decide to put a donkey’s head on anyone, or anything, although he probably THOUGHT about it.
August 22, 2012 at 8:42 am
I haven’t been to Spain, but I’ve been elsewhere in Europe (mostly Italy), and there are frescoes EVERYWHERE in the cathedrals. Yes, you can usually walk right up and touch them (although of course you’re not supposed to). I could see maybe if it were a less touristy place and more secluded that someone could have enough time to do some damage before anyone noticed.
They really only protect the most important pieces with ropes and on rare occasions other barriers. It would be impossible to protect them all.
August 21, 2012 at 11:32 pm
The owls are not what they seem.
August 22, 2012 at 1:03 pm
<3 crazy log lady
August 22, 2012 at 1:00 am
April, I don’t understand how you do this. Whenever you do Regretsy math, it’s so…. perfect. Every single time. The only thing I see when I look at this is a terrible crime against historic art. I never would have conjured up Andre the Giant mixed with a barn owl. And yet, there is no better descriptor.
August 22, 2012 at 3:56 am
I’m in tears. Easily one of the top posts of all time. Thank you Jody, and Helen for making this happen.
August 22, 2012 at 5:15 am
Ok, Sorry about the previous one. This is the link I wanted to share: http://www.facebook.com/groups/eccemono/
August 22, 2012 at 5:26 am
Here is a facebook group of Spanish people posting photoshops of the restoration. My favourite is Homer Simpson Jesus.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/eccemono/
The church is going to re-restore the image, but there is now a twitter petition for it to be kept as it is, because Spain could do with a laugh right now.
You can already buy t-shirts here: http://www.latostadora.com/ticotaco/eccemono/233189?a_aid=2011t019&chan=mflt
August 22, 2012 at 8:44 am
My favorite:
October 11, 2012 at 12:55 pm
The Dude abideth.
August 22, 2012 at 6:01 am
Archivists everywhere are being revived with smelling salts . . .
August 22, 2012 at 6:52 am
Monchichi-sus?
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August 22, 2012 at 7:42 am
Also, am I the only one who sees a combination of Munch’s Scream AND Munch’s Madonna? This granny has some strange talent…
August 22, 2012 at 7:53 am
This whole thread plus the pictures of poor hedgehog Jesus have me laughing so hard I am crying!!
August 22, 2012 at 11:30 am
For some reason, and I seem to be the only one, this totally fills me with joy. I don’t know why I find it so heartwarming, I’m obviously completely perverse, but all I can see is a happy monkey in a snood
August 22, 2012 at 10:02 pm
While some find humor here I just can’t be anything more that depressed and stunned. Please please tell me that some how some magical regretsy way after this post this painting will be restored by a professional to its original state like it should be.
August 22, 2012 at 11:01 pm
They’re working on it. They first have to figure out what the hell she used to paint on it. The other issue is the underlying damage to the paint and the plaster from her “cleaning” which caused the loss of pigment in the first place, and created a nice rough surface for her paint to saturate. It is a mess.
August 23, 2012 at 6:55 am
August 23, 2012 at 8:43 am
Heather, I want this for my dining room. Please
August 23, 2012 at 3:18 pm
Heather this is a masterpiece. I want it on something.
August 23, 2012 at 4:00 pm
Barnwood. DUH.
August 23, 2012 at 4:01 pm
Ah yes, Leonardo’s famous “The Last Feeding”
August 23, 2012 at 8:41 pm
Jesus… really let himself go.
August 24, 2012 at 7:20 am
HK – wow you are on TOP of the news! You reported this days before CNN! They just talked about it this morning and said the ‘painter’ feels terrible. She had permission to do the restoration but no one was watching what she was doing
They said she is having anxiety issues now 
…..
August 24, 2012 at 10:28 am
Lesson: DO NOT RESTORE THINGS YOU DON”T KNOW HOW TO RESTORE
August 24, 2012 at 10:28 am
*DON’T.
August 24, 2012 at 4:07 pm
I’ll just leave this here
http://blog.kidrobot.com/meme-tastic-munny-pokes-fun-at-failed-fresco-restoration/
August 26, 2012 at 12:35 am
Owl Jesus is now a meme… even bbc news had it on….