This post first appeared on Regretsy in September of 2011
Your pheasant is unpleasant.
Darn that yarn.
Your opera glass is ass.
Your ‘dreamcatcher steampunk’ = my noncycled junk.
That tiny wreath is giving me grief.
That’s uncouth, Ruth.
It must think that buyers are dicks if you expect them to purchase that crap made of sticks.
Love how a fucking dreamcatcher now only has a little “dreamcatcher flair”
To be fair, calling that a dreamcatcher is a bit generous.
Ummmm totes steampunk b/c Victorians fer shure ate pheasants and shit.
Ewww… Victorians ate shit!
I suppose that’s one way to use the whole pheasant, though.
I would love to see a Victorian steampunk adventure with a First Nations crossover. I’m a Canuck, so given the way settlement and colonization worked here, an alternate historical approach could totally make that work. Of course, you’d have to be sensitive to unromantic Victorian ethnocentrism and privilege, but if someone did the research for it, I would love to read that shit.
Things that are not Steampunk: pretty much everything listed on Etsy under the search term, “steampunk”.
Well, in the case of steamfuckery induced headaches:
Disassemble with great vigor.
Toss the feather, yarn, & stone aside while spewing invectives.
Finally, chew on the willow, a natural source of aspirin.
Opera House Eyeglass? Um, a monocle perhaps, but I still don’t get it.
That is to your immense benefit.
Opera lost a lot of its popularity when fashion began dictating that one should watch it wearing an eyepiece that put splinters in your ocular socket and annoyingly tickled your eyebrow, in addition to obscuring your vision.
This lead to the increased popularity of steam-driven masturbatory devices.
ok, a venn diagram including “steam”, “punk” and “steampunk” would still leave this MILES OUTSIDE. er. coldwaterhippie?
…Um, maybe I’m confused, but when they say “Opera House Eyeglass” do they mean people actually intend to use them for HOLDING UP TO THEIR EYE? Doesn’t that kind of defeat the purpose if the center is obstructed by yarn and a stone that’s supposed to look ‘Native American’?
…Having said all that, I am visually impaired in one eye, and if it ever becomes a necessity I am 100% only using eyepatches, monacles and ‘Opera House Eyeglasses’ from Etsy.
No. Cut a ping pong ball in half, put a red bike light LED powered by a watch battery in there and put that over your eye. Then start asking people if they’ve seen Sara Conner.
First of all, I would 100% do that. I used to have something called a Mediport in my chest (it looks like a long cord with a stethoscope on the end, which was great and didn’t actually hurt) and I’m pretty sure I convinced a lady that I was part cyborg.
…Also, I literally created an account just so I could make an eyepatch treasury as a back-up plan for when Jesus pokes me in the eye with a stick.
IF THIS IS DISABILITY, SIGN ME UP!!!
Way to rock the socket! I salute you and your ocularity!
^^^ ohskittles is Iron Man’s distant cousin.
It’s TRUE – I read it on the Internet.
…I borderline wished my port was MORE noticable (they placed it low and under my skin for aesthetics) because I really wanted to tell people it was my battery core and if it got damaged I died.
Have you gone the extra distance and told people that only periods of sustained, reciprocating, moist friction in your genital region keeps the battery charged?
Dammit, I really should have exploited peoples’ concerns for my own jollies.
Some of my high school and college classmates did however think I was contagious (I have a bad case of the Crohnsies) and I didn’t correct them, because A. it was more hilarious letting them think that and B. I got to ride the elevator by myself!
You could also do this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_2qPWc32LS8 which is, judging as the cyborg fetishist enthusiast that I am, pretty awesome. Apparently, badass eyepatches and leather jackets go remarkably well with cyborg paraphernalia.
WE PICK UP OUR STORY –
Having pulled the limp, and oddly clammy, form of his intrepid, diving, lady wife from the hyperbaric chamber of horror that had almost claimed her life; Lord Faultebury took a moment to wrench the dreamcatcher from his eye, as he had determined the airship’s coal reserves were adequate.
Now boasting full binocular vision through two unimpeded eyes, his lordship was appalled to realize it was not his wife, but a hideous Aquanoid wearing the lady’s frock. It’s reptilian eyes opened and fixed him with a baleful glare…
Oh man you guys, I think this means that LADY FAULTEBURY IS DEAD
Can someone collect these story snippets and publish them? They’re awesome!
…then a shot rang out from an 42 calibre antique Abernathy horse pistol. The maid screamed, dropping an octopus-shaped trivet and breaking its geared spinning apparatus. The Aquanoid took its last breath and croaked, “Convo me. In hell.”
Coincidentally, the Stirling-engine-powered dildo atop the mantelpiece stopped at that exact moment.
It was… sex o’cock!
…Abby Abernathy came to college looking to escape her past and turn over a prim new leaf. What she found was Travis Maddox—a buff charmer with “danger” written all over him. Intrigued by Abby’s resistance, Travis proposes a simple bet with surprising consequen—
–oh wait. That’s the ad over on the right. Jeez, can’t even tell anymore what’s satire.
“…with “danger” written all over him.”
As long as it wasn’t written all over him in Comic Sans.
Man, whoever made this… I really want to wampum.
How can you “reclaim” willow twigs? Wrestle them away from the brutal hands of Mother Nature, who has produced them, used them for mass production of leaves, and now wants to process them into compost?
Mother Nature: the original reseller of mass-produced goods. (You just KNOW she didn’t craft all of those by hand.)
I saw a webpage once that had a Native American girl with a costuming group that had put together a Steampunk world where the majority of Native Americans were not wiped out by European diseases and then taken over, but remained the owners of the America continent with a few European immigrants and were undergoing their own steam industrial revolution.
There were no cheap Red Heart SS yarn dreamcatchers.
Duae–I wrote my comment above before I saw yours. LINK US TO THAT SHIT. IT SOUNDS AMAZING.
Little known fact it was the native american steampunks who invented acrylic yarn
Invented, or harvested from wild acryls?
what a bunch of ignorami … the MAYA domesticated the unmanageable wild acryl, selectively breeding for the color range we find today. Sadly, this led to the extinction of the wild acryl, because nobody except a few cutting edge crafters wanted the landrace primary colors, and Etsy had not been invented yet.
Oh, I get it…this is a dreamcatcher because the wad of chewed-up gum in the middle will catch any piece of skin, hair, or other debris that happens to float by.
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