This post first appeared on Regretsy in September of 2011
I don’t know about you, but whenever my husband stuck out for me by choosing the salad, he is definitely these close to getting there.
Do women in general really want spontaneous foot-massaging followed by cuddling?
This is like a “why don’t you emasculate yourself for me, darling, and I’ll give you a PINK attaboy.” And it doesn’t even say, “Collect 20 and redeem for a blowjob.”
nah, the guy would want it after 5
Please…showering is worth at LEAST a handjob.
You showered. You didn’t pick your scab in the restaurant. You wore clean pants.
Honestly, for me, being married is just like parenting.
And for picking up laundry from the bathroom floor?
A nice, long, sniff during a face rub.
Well I do like foot massages, not so much with cuddling more than 5 min or so. However I agree with you.. If I wanted a child I’d have shot one out of my crotch. My grandmother and mother found men capable of being adults and I don’t want less. Who the fuck wants a permanent 4 year old?
Perfect for all those women who… married a toddler? Then again, praise given to toddlers isn’t always this condescending.
Right? The spelling and grammar mistakes are the least depressing part of this whole thing.
If your partner expects a gold star/cookie/pat on the head for showing affection, listening to you, or demonstrating basic hygiene, it’s time to leave.
I’m always astonished when other women express amazement that my husband carries his own damn weight when it comes to household duties. So I married wisely, choosing an adult instead of an overgrown, sloppy, perennial teenager — what’s so weird about that?
Then again, my husband does have Non-Internet Asperger Syndrome, so he may do laundry, cook and clean but it is kind of cause for celebration when he can, for example, recognize a co-worker of mine by face *and* remember their name. But housework and basic hygiene? He’s got that bit down like a boss.
To be fair, my boyfriend lives with two other men, and my GOD you’d think they were toddlers.
Also to be fair, the other two are single.
I’m surprised they spelled “you’re” correctly.
That’s what gets me. “You’re” is all nice and grammatical, then you get “…these close to getting there.”
I appreciate the TO: and FROM: fields, because that way I can be cutesy condescending to all my different husbands when they choose the salad, and they’ll know who to thank when they finally get there.
I think giving this to your husband is considered grounds for divorce in most states.
or a good beatin’
Sweet. I’ve been looking for a way of saying, “I appreciate you, but not enough to put effort into writing you a card or note.”
Plus, with the fill in “To” line, I can use them for all of my husbands.
I would also like to note that this is frighteningly close to how the hillbilly side of my family speaks. Verbally I mean, they can’t really write sounds.
Derp aside, if you think you could actually use this, its probably a sign that you shouldn’t be married in the first place.
I don’t care HOW “these close” I am to “getting there”. Salad is NOT Wood inducing.
Bacon salad with slices of back, bits of bacon, drenched in bacon salad, with meat of some sort in it. Also lettuce. Maybe. Available in the south. Oh and another time we went to a Cracker Barrel and Mac and Cheese was listed under the “Veggies” sections.
If he finds her the least bit attractive then I don’t think he’s going to have a problem sticking out for her.
I would be so embarras.
When I think about “top shelf material”, I imagine dusty old hats shoved back in the corner behind the no-longer-played-with kid’s games and torn, ratty used comic books.
Not a husband. Not one who just showered, anyway…
Yet another method for a mother-in-law to to get in good with the husband; by giving a few hundred of these to her daughter.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
Where’s the one for “You’re an AWESOME BITCH!”? Duties include, but not limited to:
Not yammering during (fill-in-the-blank)
Picking up without nagging about it
Having dinner ready for the 3rd night in a row
Tossing 80% of your perfumey crap (keeping only the ones I like)
Fetching me & the boys some booze
Keeping that bod of yours in “arm-candy” shape
. . .
(Sigh) Sadly though, no matter how much I love him, I don’t think my BF will EVER live up to this ideal of a bitch.
You’re gonna catch thumb shit over this one, RWB.
He’s right–that would be the husband-to-wife equivalent of these wife-to-husband notes. Condescending, irritating, stereotypical… RWB nailed it.
He did I & don’t see why. It is a male version based on those wifey stays home, fixes dinner, and waits on guy hand and foot images from the 50s. Both versions assume that the spouse is a helpless ass.
Scratch pad, or scratch your eyes out. The choose is yours!
These seem awfully detailed for something for your husband to wipe his ass with.
He doesn’t anyway!
Hey, that could be another entry: Didn’t leave skid marks in your boxers. And: Washed your hands. In addition to the star chart you already keep above the potty.
What kind of potty-offerings attract the most stars?
Getting it in the bowl
They could be good labels to stick on booze bottles. Or to present white lines on. If they weren’t complete gibberish.
Is traditional marriage behavior now modeled after office supplies?
Is this what makes same-sex marriage so threatening to some folks?
Oh sometimes people like to sit around and get really angry at the thought of folks they don’t know having happy and fulfilling relationships. You know, like normal, well adjusted adults.
I like chocolate cake, but it would be a whole lot better if gay people weren’t allowed to have any.
Say everything WAS spelled correctly and everything WAS funny…like you’d need a whole PAD of these because it would be just SO fucking funny EVERY time you used one…
Yeah, that was my thought upon seeing this, too: My husband would find a note like this very amusing. ONCE.
If my husband never stuck out for me we wouldn’t have kids to embarrassed.
Best screen name ever. Now, go, cat, go, but don’t you step on my blue suede … smiley avatar.
Are you the same Sue Donim who promised me a good time if I loaned her $200 to pay off her landlord “Al Eeyis”?
What’s this not embarrass the kid stuff? Isn’t that part of a parent’s job?? If not, Dad has some explaining to do!
This thing sounds as if written by a person who has spent her entire life reading basic stereotypes on the internet without ever meeting even one actual human. Which might also explain the spelling. Or it was written by an Artificial Intelligence program gathering its data off the Sims.
Actually, I thought this sounded like one woman’s transference of her own pet peeves onto all other women. Why would I care if my man “choose the salad” or not? What was the other choice?
Regretsy Mad Libs!!!!
If I wanted to see a whole bunch of stupid cliches awkwardly crammed together I would -
Watch the news.
Read the Twilight series.
Go to the Republican National Convention
Visit Etsy’s front page.
Go see a romantic comedy made any time after they started filming them in color.
Actually read all the memos my boss sent in the last week.
Log on to Facebook.
Read one page of 50 Shades of Grey.
Sorry to be earnest, but the most distressing part is that these are visual rip-offs of the pads made by Knock Knock, which are super awesome. I always have the grocery lists. But they also make things like sticky notes that say “You’re On My Shit List” and the epic “Hey Asshole” pad:
also, and this is just a bonus, everything is spelled correctly.
stationary and sarcasm in one little package-swoon!
I’ve somehow purchased these before from a shop. My family still issues “You’re Fired” ones to each other for all sorts of reasons.
I don’t see those on the site, though, so now I’m dissapoint.
Read a book, Read a book, Read a mutha-fuckin book…
Sorry, I read the Hey Asshole one, and now that song’s stuck in my head.
I thought I’d seen something like this before. That must have been where.
Not the sports page, not a magazine… but a book, nigga! A fuckin book, nigga!
Brush yo teeth, Brush yo teeth, brush yo mutha-fuckin teeth!
Wear deodorant nigga, Wear deodorant nigga…
It’s called Speed Stick, it’s not expensive…
Can’t… get… song… out… of my head!
I am the decider in my family and if i want my husband to stick out for me i will not choose the salad and will make him embarrased the kids while getting there
Somebody doesn’t know how to spell “Embareass”. If I had kids I’d only do that to that at home; prior to changing, bathing or spanking them.
You know, it’s not so much what the list says as what it’s clenched teeth refrain from saying: “Tried to Dance (you can’t but at least you “tried”), “Choose the Salad” (because you are a fat ass and need to try something besides deep fried beer), “Acted Mature” (you are not mature but you did a good job of acting), “Did not Embarsed Your Kids” (you stayed home, hidden where you belong), “Were Great Last Night” (left me the f*** alone and whacked your own weenie.)
Until this moment, I had no I idea what she was getting with “Choose the salad.” I figured it had something to do with helping with the grocery shopping. Or possibly chewing the salad. Your fat ass comment was quite illuminating.
neither did I! I didn’t know wtf it really meant.
Exactly. “Hey, you really suck, but sometimes you make a small effort to suck less! GOLD STAR!”
This whole thing belongs on Passiveagressivenotes.com
And as a side note–woah, you can deep-fry beer?
Sweet Jesus. What sort of husband does this woman have that the act of bathing earns him a congratulatory note? Bathing! Jesus.
Come clean, seller! Which one are you? Melania, Marla or Ivana?
Way to go, sweetheart! You don’t smell like ass today!
I love that “my parents were wrong” is one of the conclusions. Her parents warned her that her boyfriend was basically a giant toddler, but she married him anyway, and now she has proof that he can put the toilet seat down all by himself, like a big boy!
Non-sticky, so you present them how?
Stapling them to his forehead? If your man is real macho, he might prefer you pinning it into his chest, like in that Marines awards thing.
Having your kid kid give it to Daddy as you’re driving away to live under an assumed name?
And if he’s that bad, don’t you need to buy one with pictures instead of words?
Presented in the brown-bag lunch she packs for him every morning, tucked into the baggie with his peanut butter and jelly samwich.
I prefer a more pavlovian method, reward my husband with food when he is right and small electric shocks when he is wrong. The only down side is all the drooling when he hears a bell ring….
My parents are amazing dancers. I’m secretly tempted to leave one for him with “tried to dance” checked.
Dear wife, do not embarass me or yourself, by making humorous ‘husband check list’ pads, by failing to spell correctly or else I will put salad on your head.
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