I CAN HAZ SELF-EZTEEMS
- Submitted by Jace
As you may know by now, I am a voice over actress in my other life. So naturally, I felt compelled to jump in and help this guy out.
I called my good friend Rob Paulsen, and asked him if he’d audition for the job.
Rob turned in this track, and I think you’ll agree he brought something very special to the role.
Rob has a great podcast you can download here (you can also listen to the podcast we did together over here). And if you happen to live in Southern California, you can see Rob do his podcast live tonight at the Jon Lovitz Comedy Club in Universal City.
Tonight’s guest: The legendary June Foray!
August 17, 2012 at 2:15 pm
I would have paid to have a recording of Pinky saying “This is a load of shit”.
August 17, 2012 at 2:17 pm
That would be an amazing ringtone. Set it for your mother in law, or your boss.
August 20, 2012 at 9:36 am
I often imagine my tuxedo cat announcing plans to take over the world in Brain’s voice. All three of the the little hairball dispensers have excessive amounts of self-esteem.
August 17, 2012 at 2:16 pm
OMG. JUST OMG. How is this a real Kickstarter.
Rob, I think you nailed it.
August 17, 2012 at 2:40 pm
Rather than Pinky, I started imagining this being done by a charming old English lady who looks like Mrs. Doubtfire and hasn’t quite gotten to crazy cat lady status. She’s crazy in other ways, just not the can’t-smell-cat-pee way yet.
August 20, 2012 at 9:31 am
Barbara Woodhouse would be perfect. Anyone here old enought to remember “No Bad Dogs The Woodhouse Way” on PBS?
August 17, 2012 at 2:40 pm
How is it a real Kickstarter that not only met but exceeded it’s goal.
What even I just can’t.
August 17, 2012 at 5:43 pm
FJL’s FOR THE WIN!
(sorry for caps they were unfortunately necessary)
August 17, 2012 at 11:57 pm
I’ve never associated lack of self esteem or motivation with cats. When Mr B wants attention he makes it known. Otherwise he has no time for me and makes it seem to the other cats that he doesnt even know me
August 17, 2012 at 2:16 pm
That was so beautiful it brought a tear to my eye. I played it for my cat but she just licked her crotch and then tried to bite me. I don’t think cats appreciate brilliance when they hear it.
August 17, 2012 at 2:21 pm
The reading was brilliant, and I would buy it to reinforce my own (confused) self-esteem. But I’ve never seen a cat that has low self-esteem, or needs daily affirmations, or any such thing, so I think it’s being marketed to the wrong demographic.
August 17, 2012 at 5:16 pm
I think we have a cat that could benefit from this motivational tape…if he could understand any of it.
August 19, 2012 at 7:17 pm
I listened to it. And it did raise my self-esteem a little bit. But then he got to the “clean your whole body with your pink sand-papery tongue” part, and I realized that I can’t even REACH 90% of my body with my tongue, so now I feel bad…
I mean, my tongue isn’t even sand-papery. I feel extra-bad now.
August 17, 2012 at 3:54 pm
The cat on my lap was singularly unimpressed. I think the words have to come from someone they know they have in their thrall for them to mean anything.
August 18, 2012 at 8:27 am
The cat on my lap did NOT like Pinky at all. She got up and had a wee. Thankfully, in her box.
August 19, 2012 at 9:19 am
OMG! MY 6wk old kitten had the same reaction! And then she peed on me.
Oh, wait. She has that reaction to my farting, too, so it probably means nothing.
August 17, 2012 at 2:16 pm
I want this to be the voice inside my head every day.
August 17, 2012 at 4:33 pm
So it’s a bad thing that Pinkey… I mean Paulsen… is already the voice in my head?
August 18, 2012 at 5:02 pm
No, it is not. It is instead a clear sign that you have lived your life as it was truly meant to be.
August 17, 2012 at 2:16 pm
I want to say something but I’m so stunned by the hilarity that I can’t actually come up with anything coherent. A rare occurrence I assure you. No matter what my wife may claim. >_> <_<
August 17, 2012 at 2:16 pm
I just played this for my cats. They gave me looks of supreme indifference. Maybe if it was in the Yakko voice they would be more motivated.
August 17, 2012 at 2:16 pm
My God, that was awesome. I hope he gets the job. I played it for my bulldog, Remmy, and he got kind of pissed off at the giggle.
August 17, 2012 at 2:18 pm
I abso-freakin-lutely loved Arthur on The Tick.
August 17, 2012 at 2:18 pm
How on earth can any of us follow that act?
SO NOT WORTHY
August 17, 2012 at 2:18 pm
are these not normal things for people to say to their cats? i reaffirm to toothless that he’s the mightiest hunter in the world on a daily basis.
August 17, 2012 at 7:49 pm
Bonus thumb for “Toothless”.
August 21, 2012 at 9:27 pm
I call one of my cats “Fatty Fatty No Parents” because she’s an overweight rescue cat, and because I love Portal.
She may need these tapes. Or a cat therapist.
August 17, 2012 at 2:19 pm
I will be buying these motivational tapes for my cat Squeaker, but only if Rob Paulsen does the voice work!
August 17, 2012 at 2:19 pm
I may or may not have cut out that last bit to use as my text message notification ringtone.
August 17, 2012 at 2:20 pm
NARF!
August 17, 2012 at 2:22 pm
I’ll have to wait until the cats wander outside to watch birds to play this little nugget of magic, because if my cats get any more self esteem they’ll take over the goddamn world.
August 17, 2012 at 2:23 pm
This makes me want to hire Rob Paulsen to narrate porn in the voice of Pinky. Or maybe Yakko. You know, with my vast amounts of non-existent money.
August 17, 2012 at 2:42 pm
WAIT WAIT YAKKO READING EXCERPTS FROM 50 SHADES OF GREY
*shrieks with hysterical capslock glee at the very idea
August 17, 2012 at 2:50 pm
Someone needs to make this happen. April, we will pay you and Paul money for this recording should it one day exist.
August 17, 2012 at 3:32 pm
I smell a fundraiser.
August 17, 2012 at 3:51 pm
OMG YES YES YES
It is the one and only way I would ever “read” that pile of crap.
August 17, 2012 at 3:57 pm
The world needs this.
August 17, 2012 at 4:34 pm
Which would be the ONLY way I’d willingly have ANYTHING to do with that 50 shades of bullshit!
August 17, 2012 at 4:43 pm
For me too, but only if he occasionally throws in a “what the hell is this shit?”
August 17, 2012 at 8:16 pm
To tide you over until awesomeness arrives, here’s Gilbert Gottfried Reading Fifty Shades of Grey.
August 19, 2012 at 7:51 pm
I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pull a muscle. That was the most beautiful thing I have ever, ever heard.
August 17, 2012 at 9:04 pm
‘My inner goddess was all FUN FUN SILLY WILLY’
August 18, 2012 at 12:01 am
for now your Animaniacs pron will have to consist of visions of “bologna in our slacks”
August 18, 2012 at 8:51 am
*throws kiss* Goodnight, everybody!
And of course, “Hellooooo, Nurse!” thrown in from time to time.
August 17, 2012 at 2:23 pm
If you have more than one cat, are you supposed to take each one into a room, shut the door and go through this whole spiel, prefacing it with “YOU are the best kitty in the world. Yes, YOU…not Mr. Wiffles, YOU ARE. Just don’t tell him I said that, ok?”
August 17, 2012 at 2:27 pm
Hey, I am VERY specific when I tell each of my cats that she’s the most beautiful [long-haired OR orange tabby] cat in the house. Because I know they’d hear me through the door and get their knickers in a twist if I didn’t specify.
August 17, 2012 at 2:34 pm
I just say ‘Who’s mama’s special little kitty? Who’s the best kitty in the house? You are!’ whenever they’re all in the room, and then each one thinks I’m talking about them and not those other weirdos with which they’re forced to share living space.
August 17, 2012 at 3:18 pm
I guess as long as you don’t make eye contact and just look in their general direction that would work.
August 17, 2012 at 3:30 pm
You mean your cats actually bother to make eye contact?!
August 17, 2012 at 3:36 pm
Mine do. Just don’t hold it too long or they start to get a little weirded out.
August 17, 2012 at 3:46 pm
I like to do that just so they know who’s boss: the weird pale human who cleans their poop.
August 17, 2012 at 3:51 pm
Gnoblasic Man: WHO is the one in charge? You feed them and pick up their poop. Shouldn’t that be the job of a servant? Oh, wait.
August 17, 2012 at 4:05 pm
Exactly.
August 17, 2012 at 9:13 pm
I go with best girl/boy. However, with this tape I don’t think it would matter; any self respecting cat would leave its person upon hearing that crap.
August 17, 2012 at 2:24 pm
JUNE FORAY?? *swoon* Must listen…
August 17, 2012 at 2:25 pm
Do they make instructional tapes for cats? I really need one for my kitten. Something along the lines of “Stop biting my toe, you little shit”.
August 17, 2012 at 2:51 pm
What is it with pets and feet? My rabbit does the same thing, as do several cats and pups I have known
August 17, 2012 at 3:16 pm
Do they do it only when you’re barefoot?
August 17, 2012 at 4:36 pm
If they’re anything like my brat catling Gadget, no. Barefoot or shod, the feet must DIE!
August 17, 2012 at 4:35 pm
Yeah, my feet are covered in scratches from my three kittens. The ones on my hands are from the four bigger cats.
August 18, 2012 at 8:52 am
They’re just testing to see if you’re dead yet. As soon as you are, those toes are dinner.
August 17, 2012 at 2:28 pm
I am playing this for 2 of my 6 cats now…
They look bored, but they usually look like that.
August 17, 2012 at 2:29 pm
Alas, it looks like they already hired a voice actress. Which is a pity, because I was so moved by the win of that recording to register for an account at Regretsy to talk about how fantastic it is.
We’re playing it for our cat. On loop.
August 17, 2012 at 2:31 pm
http://www.kickstarter.com/projects/123786414/cat-motivational-tapes/posts/285277
August 17, 2012 at 2:35 pm
I watched his silly little video. I refuse to contribute to anyone who does not know that the dollar sign goes before the number. Anyone who wants MY money must know how to use numbers, letters, and symbols properly!
August 17, 2012 at 2:35 pm
This is bullshit. These tapes, supposedly for cats, use the human language of their oppressors. This is nothing but another case of catsplotation, like the Meow Mix song! These need to be translated into the indigenous language of cats, a rich, ancient and sandy tongue. Meow mao mew mew HISS!
August 17, 2012 at 3:46 pm
I’ve read that cats mostly “meow” to communicate with humans, not each other. So apparently those sounds are for our benefit (or, for their benefit but directed towards us).
August 17, 2012 at 3:57 pm
Apparently they don’t purr for each other, either, only for humans.
August 19, 2012 at 9:27 am
Kittens and mothers purr for each other. But yeah, I think beyond that, it’s a cat’s way of saying, “Suck it, primate.”
August 19, 2012 at 10:40 pm
They purr for themselves, to feel better. Typical selfish cat behaviour.
August 17, 2012 at 4:38 pm
I’d believe that. They only hiss and growl at each other. But they’ll “mraow” at me, which I’ve come to learn means “Get off the computer and fucking feed us.”
August 17, 2012 at 4:40 pm
In my random digging up of useless information, the chirps and meowing are left over from kitten days. Those with the larger vocabularies have humans that talk to them. If they’re feral or don’t have interactive bi-pedal equipped with opposable thumb chatty slaves, they stop “talking” after they’re weaned.
August 17, 2012 at 4:57 pm
Maybe one of you cat-owned people can help me. I’ve asked one friend who’s had several cats, and he said he’s never encountered it.
I don’t have a cat, but in interacting with domestic cats, several times when I’m sitting close and talking to the cat, he’ll put his paw on my mouth. I take it away and say something and the paw goes back up. This has happened with several cats.
Is this the cat’s way of saying, “Shut up and go find me food”?
August 17, 2012 at 6:36 pm
Yes most definitely. Or it means the cat finds your tongue very interesting and would like to rip it out of your mouth. I had a cat who would wait until I fell asleep and then would stick his paw in my mouth and play with my tongue…he was weird.
August 17, 2012 at 8:01 pm
My cat would lie on my lap reach up with one paw and lovingly rake his claws gently across my jugular vein. As if to say; “Yeah, I know where that is and you gotta sleep sometime.”
August 18, 2012 at 6:12 am
My cat Calvin does this. I think he’s interested in those meat-flaps we call lips. And by interested, I mean I think he’s wondering if he can rip them off and play with them.
August 19, 2012 at 9:31 am
Your flapping lips are the human equivalent of the twitching tail: irresistible flesh-toys that must DIE.
Unless you’ve dined on fish recently. Then the cat just wants to eat your face.
August 19, 2012 at 7:09 pm
I used to have a cat like that when I was growing up. Once my mom was yelling at me, and the cat jumped onto the arm of her chair, and put her paw over my mom’s mouth. It was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen! “Stop yelling at the human who feeds me!”
August 19, 2012 at 7:10 pm
she would also sit on my alarm clock speaker to dampen the noise.
August 19, 2012 at 10:43 pm
Mine would BE the alarm clock… at 4am, outside my window.
August 22, 2012 at 8:09 am
The feline overlord who has decided to come visit me whenever he gets a chance squeaks more than meowing. He only ‘talks’ to me to tell me what to do, which is usually “let me in!” His purr box is broken from being in a fire where he was found protecting kittens from the fire with his body. He has a missing patch of fur on one side from that.
He’s been riding the hero bandwagon ever since to get what he wants.
August 17, 2012 at 2:36 pm
I wonder how the guy who came up with this feels that two of the most prolific and talented voice artists in Hollywood actually gave him some attention.
August 17, 2012 at 2:37 pm
The only thing that is keeping humans the dominant species on the planet is the fact that cats are naturally unmotivated.
Today, we motivate the kitties. Tomorrow, we become the pets of a global cat-centric civilization.
August 17, 2012 at 2:51 pm
That, and thumbs.
August 17, 2012 at 4:42 pm
It’s only a matter of time…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6CcxJQq1x8
August 17, 2012 at 9:17 pm
Agree with the thumbs comment. I have a cat who turns out the room lights, opens cabinets and levered doors, and brings me dead rodents and live snakes(Some days I wouldn’t mind a bit LESS motivation) so If he had thumbs the world would be his.
August 17, 2012 at 11:14 pm
It’s happening. A “thumb” (extra digit) is a common mutation in cats, and some idiot humans are purposely breeding them so we’ll have more cats with thumbs. Polydactyls, they’re called. People think it’s cute, oh, wooky at the kitty wif thumbs! Morons. They’re being used and don’t even realize it. The day is coming, very soon, when the majority of cats will have thumbs, and humans shall be booted off the top of the food chain.
Mark. My. Words.
August 18, 2012 at 6:20 am
I have a polydactyl cat. And as much as she tries, she can’t open the canned cat food herself. So long as cats don’t grow *opposable* thumbs, I think we’re safe. When cats eventually evolve to have said opposable thumbs, hopefully the human race will be living on Mars by then.
August 17, 2012 at 4:40 pm
Reminds me of Neil Gaiman’s Sandman story A Dream of a Thousand Cats
August 17, 2012 at 2:39 pm
I’m betting this guy takes the money and buys a load of pot with it.
August 17, 2012 at 3:15 pm
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
August 19, 2012 at 9:34 am
He’s in Santa Cruz. For a $30 state Medical Marijuana card, it will be very easy to buy.
August 17, 2012 at 2:43 pm
Screw the cat, I want a Rob Paulsen motivational tape for me, because I feel so chipper now! Today IS going to be a great day! I CAN see the trees and bugs! My coat really IS shinny!
August 17, 2012 at 9:17 pm
For the right price I’ll rub your tummy.
August 17, 2012 at 2:43 pm
My entire life is complete. Pinky is ruined for me forever but what I gained in return was more than worth it.
August 17, 2012 at 2:54 pm
No Pinky is not ruined by this. He is only made more rich and womderful, like the slight bitterness that makes really good chocolate way better than the stuff from the dollar store or the salt in a salted caramel. Now if you excuse me I need to go find some candy.
August 17, 2012 at 6:38 pm
And wine.
August 18, 2012 at 6:22 am
It always comes down to booze, doesn’t it?
August 18, 2012 at 9:28 am
You mean you don’t already have some on hand? Tsk, tsk, tsk.
August 17, 2012 at 2:44 pm
Uttered a small, apprehensive “oh noooo…” to myself before I clicked the play button.
August 17, 2012 at 2:45 pm
Oh Em Gee.That was the BOMBDOTCOM! This just gave me flashbacks to the awesome cartoons I used to watch as a kid. My poor children have no idea what they are missing.
August 17, 2012 at 4:43 pm
Please tell me Animaniacs doesn’t qualify as a childhood cartoon for you… please?
August 17, 2012 at 5:02 pm
I was 12 when it was on the air. We taped it for my dad every day because he loved Pinky and the Brain.
August 18, 2012 at 6:23 am
I was 11 when the show first aired. I still love Pinky and the Brain.
August 18, 2012 at 9:19 am
Animaniacs started in 1993… I was 7.
August 18, 2012 at 6:31 pm
I was 25. And I freaking loved that show (and still do!).
August 19, 2012 at 7:53 pm
It was for me. And I now have a graduate degree.
FEEL THE OLD!
(Note: I only say this because when I tell my 12 year old cousins about my childhood they look at me like I am telling them stories about black and white life.)
August 18, 2012 at 7:00 pm
“Heykid” is your name from a Maria Bamford bit?
August 17, 2012 at 2:45 pm
This is the voice actress he got instead of the gleaming brilliance that is Rob Paulsen – http://laurenkirby.com/
A quote “Just imagine me, tall and blonde and paper-white skin glistening in the sun pausing to take a photo of a sleeping dog as Indians scratch their heads and stare at me with blank and unblinking, unapologetic faces.”
It’s either comedy gold or proof that these are the end times.
August 17, 2012 at 3:16 pm
She’s in India? Is she involved in that singing telegram thing that was on here a while back?
August 18, 2012 at 1:49 pm
I’m embarrassed for Lauren Kirby. Someone needs to tell her the samples are shit. Shit writing and shit voicing. Ick.
August 19, 2012 at 9:37 am
Her page crashed my Flash plugin.
Then I saw the small, broken font she used as body text and I wanted to crash HER.
August 19, 2012 at 9:39 am
I just heard her voice. *pssssssssssp* Yep, she’s a little bit stoned.
August 17, 2012 at 3:00 pm
How did I miss before that Rob is Pinky? Hey Rob, let’s do that same thing we do every night: plan to take over the world. (call me.)
August 17, 2012 at 4:40 pm
Am I the only one who is reminded of Bob Newhart by The Brain?
August 17, 2012 at 5:57 pm
nope
August 18, 2012 at 9:21 am
Nope… Orson Welles
August 17, 2012 at 3:01 pm
Wow. Between this and the Dalek relaxation tape I got the other day on fb, I am hella motivated!
August 20, 2012 at 11:03 am
do you actually have a Dalek relaxation tape?
August 20, 2012 at 12:07 pm
Same question from me… If it exists I MUST have it!
August 17, 2012 at 3:24 pm
Only $100? I don’t think that goes very far in professional terms. I get more than that for singing a wedding, and I don’t use funny voices.
SECOND on wanting a reading of 50 Shades of Gray with April and Rob. Fuck copyright, I want it and I want it NOW! (sounding like Veruca Salt).
August 17, 2012 at 4:03 pm
HOLY SHIT YES
August 17, 2012 at 3:28 pm
I was just taking a break from studying for the MCATs and I clicked over here and listened to Mr. Paulson’s rendition. I had to go back to studying, but I came back over ere to let you know that the Vertebrate Anatomy and Physiology review I’m reading is now in that voice.
MUCH BETTER!
August 17, 2012 at 3:28 pm
P.S. Lauren Kirby needs to stop talking down in the fry of her chords or she won’t be a professional voice actor for long. A little vocal technique people!
August 17, 2012 at 3:38 pm
June Foray is a goddess! Just read up on the link in IMDB, and it mentions June “Was courted by Paul Winchell.”
NARF!
August 17, 2012 at 3:56 pm
Yes, but as awesome as June Foray is (and my God, she is), she and Paul Winchell would not have produced the perfection that is April. For that, the world needed him and April’s mom to produce her (ok, so that’s a confusing statement, but you know what I mean). Her mom’s sense of humor–and timing–is outstanding and April inherited that. Those. She inherited those. Damn antecedents.
August 17, 2012 at 3:46 pm
My cat is motivated to race to the source and meow by the sound of any kind of food container opening or me dropping off to sleep. Goddamn kitty.
August 17, 2012 at 3:56 pm
Just because cats lay around all day doesn’t mean they need motivation. This person has obviously never met a real cat– cats already know they’re the best kitty/hunter/being/everything in the world/galaxy/universe. They don’t need to be told and they definitely don’t need any help with self-esteem.
August 17, 2012 at 4:00 pm
I don’t buy this whole motivational tapes angle. It’s really all a subversive evil plot for world domination. Once this guy fools all of us into funding and buying the tapes, loving cat owner’s will start playing them. And in a language only cats can understand, he will lead them in the uprising they have quietly been planning for centuries. This is what the Mayans warned us about!!
Or maybe I shouldn’t read Regretsy after smoking.
August 17, 2012 at 4:06 pm
I don’t mind telling you that this is the best goddamn thing ever.
August 17, 2012 at 4:22 pm
I feel that only Ken Nordine could do this justice.
August 17, 2012 at 4:32 pm
August 18, 2012 at 6:37 pm
You rock! (and my cell phone has a new ring tone – Thank you Rob Paulsen!)
August 17, 2012 at 5:08 pm
This is making me laugh SO HARD.
Thank you.
August 17, 2012 at 5:29 pm
The video is horrific.. but rob’s sound clip is quite possibly the best thing I’ve ever heard!! NARF!!
August 17, 2012 at 6:06 pm
I’m a radio girl, and I’d do this for …. let’s see. 50 bucks. In my the-president-has-been-shot news anchor voice.
August 17, 2012 at 10:16 pm
I’ve spent the entire night listening to a friend saying everything in his “Saturday Night Hot Mix” dance music program voice. Which is a sexier version of a Sunday monster truck rally voice.
August 17, 2012 at 6:13 pm
NARF!
August 17, 2012 at 10:32 pm
Every time I have a fibro flare and don’t feel like doing a goddamn thing, I am going to listen to Rob Paulsen telling me how I am the best kitty and people are going to rub my tummy, and everything is going to be just fine.
Really, thank you. This is quite possibly the best thing to ever exist.
August 18, 2012 at 8:58 am
How is it that he has 41 backers and over $400 of support when I can’t even get my FRIENDS to donate to support my daughter for her small dance school? This world is weird……
August 18, 2012 at 9:15 am
If he doesn’t hire Rob to do this then he is a fool.
August 18, 2012 at 1:51 pm
Does no one feel aggrieved on behalf of the community station who is donating studio time but IS NOT GETTING any credit on the site?
August 18, 2012 at 6:43 pm
I AM NOT KIDDING!
Peppercorn Zesty, my kitty who does not care to be touched by filthy human hands, just JUMPED ON MY LAP while I was playing that tape.
He jumped off the moment I tried to pet him, but it was still cool.
August 18, 2012 at 9:35 pm
NARF.
August 19, 2012 at 12:13 am
I think the bit that Rob/Pinky says about, “This is the biggest load of shit I’ve ever read in my life” will be my go-to reaction/link for most Etsy descriptions and Facebook statuses. Thank you to whoever made that a YouTube video.
August 19, 2012 at 7:55 pm
I now want Rob to start making a whole series of motivational tracks – for people. I would love to get a pep talk from Pinky every day.
August 20, 2012 at 2:12 am
Kitty Cat sez:
“I don’t care about your silly motivational tapes, human. If I prefer to do nothing today and spend all the time sleeping, I have good reasons you know nothing about. So just shut up and pet me now.”
August 20, 2012 at 9:13 pm
I love this so hard, I’d take it to Vegas and marry it! Oh, Rob Paulsen and Maurice LaMarche, how I love thee!
August 22, 2012 at 9:43 am
Are you guys familliar with pornfortheblind.org??? What do we have to do to get Rob to narrate some porn? It’s a good cause!
August 24, 2012 at 8:24 am
OMG that was fucking awesome. NARF!
August 24, 2012 at 4:51 pm
OMG. I’ve had a huge voice crush on Rob Paulsen since I was like 5 and this was amazeballs. XD Thank you.
August 30, 2012 at 3:00 pm
That was fucking amazing.