Sometimes, when I’m in extrem stress or pain filled heartace, I think about Jesus on the crufucix, and know that he died for my capslock.
Gahh with the blood and everything..
Wait – this is a robot tampon isn’t it?
Looks like a horse shoe nail, to me.
They’re cheap as hell, so this person is both lazy and greedy. GAH
At least the folks bending them into rings are actually doing WORK.
Robot tampon! This MUST be the name of my feminist punk-metal band, if I ever have one.
Bloody ice pick? Nah, sacred object! Looks to me like someone’s just trying to get rid of some evidence.
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Nothing says Jesus dies for your sins like a nail stained with AIDS.
this woman looks like she could hurt me..run away!
You run away. I want her phone number.
You want her phone number, I want to know about her daddy issues that lead to such rage so that I may comfort and abed her.
This is the greatest image ever, thank you for bringing to my inebriated attention.
Can I borrow this lady for the evening and get her to give Comic Sans an equally appropriate treatment?
Sam, where have you been hiding????
Looks like somebody didn’t read the fine print on the robot tampon package. Ouch.
Well, i guess that’s better than him dying for my lap’s cock…
I think I’ll hang a crufixic on the wall, right above where I keep my Libeb. Sesuj would pparvoe. I yrap eevyr ady ot ihm.
Did you just summon Satan? Not cool, dude!
Why no, not at all. (fans the smell of brimstone out of the room) Why do you ask?
ENJOY HELL, DEVIL!!!
I had no idea Jesus was crucified with railroad spikes, or that He bled Revlon Red nail polish! You learn something new every day!
You’d be surprised at what I learned in VBS. When you get old enough they tell you how you’ll get pregnant and die if you have premarital sex.
No, no, no. You get pregnant and die if you slow dance!
So…I guess I shouldn’t make an abortion joke about this nail…OH SHIT.
It would go well with the ceramic-kidney-abortion brooch we saw a while ago, though!
He wasn’t – he was cruficated
Jesus was cruciferous?
Things that shame me about this post:I was hoping this would be making fun of Jews crucifying Jesus.I wanted to buy it just to stab myself in the eyes with it.I live in the same state as the person selling it.Kill me.
It’s okay, I’m pretty sure the writer of that literary masterpiece is my ex-mother-in-law judging from previous emails. I hear the whole family is kind of a rarity there.
No, Sour Melissa87. Helen brought it to our attention so that we could free ourselves from self-hatred and just laugh at nail polish on a spike. Free your mind and your ass will follow.
Wait, are you saying enlightenment comes with a sudden urge to strip?
BOOTY POP FOR JESUS!!
If your mind goes up the pole…
Could be wurs, you could be stabt.
Crufication’s a doddle.
I should buy this to take with me to church every Easter Sunday (sorry, Resurrection Sunday is what they call it now), for when we acknowledge the crufixation of Jeebus. Er, Jesus.
I have to say, though, I like this “heartace” word. I want to come up with a definition for it so I can use it.
It’s the ace of hearts?
And make sure you let everyone know not to touch it. Ya know, because it has zombie Jesus blood on it and they might bring on the apocalypse.
UM that’s not blood, it’s paint, real blood would be more darker red. just saying. (From working directly/indirectly in the medical field for almost 20 years)
REALLY! I HAD NO IDEA!
I know why people didn’t like this, they didn’t like that I burst their alternate reality.. by the way, love the caps misspelling.
People don’t like it because WE KNOW it’s not real blood. I doesn’t take almost 20 years in the medical field to know what real blood looks like.
We’re just cracking jokes! DERP
funny I crack jokes and nobody likes them..derp.
The Regretsy school of comedy is harsh but fair, my friend. Work hard on your patter, and one day, you too will get all the Fat, Jealous Loser love. In the meantime, you can always stab yourself with the nail if it makes you feel better!
ooh, then there’d be REAL blood.
When did you crack a joke? Point it out.
Nope. That’s not why.
Luna, you are a much nicer person than I am for explaining that to DocObvious.
YEAH I’M INNA GOWD MOWD
Holy shit. Glad I read this before I plonked down my nine bucks. Thanks, Doc!!!
Yeah, had he not pointed that out you would have had to fight me for this thing. Saved me a bundle. I always thought Jesus bled Maybelline.
“Maybe he died with it … Maybe it’s Maybeblood”
well don’t you feel better now that you can spend your nine bucks on vodka and hookers?
Nah. I can go down the street and buy a hooker for $2 and a Roxy.
I am going to need your address.
I’m going to make a better fake Jesus crucifixion nail! And it’ll have blackjack! And hookers! In fact–forget the nail!
Can you tell because of the pixels too?
You say you’re acquainted with human suffering but remember, there’s physical AND mental trauma. This is the latter.
I was going to spell chack and not use caps lock, but I said crufuckit and held my nail.
And this is what most guys assume using a tampon is like.
one of my lesbian friends told me that using a tampon is like using a cottonball for a deluge spill of motor oil, then she took a tampon and put it in a shot glass of water and lifted it up by the string. Yes she was a strange bird.
anyone else giggling madly at the irony of “hand stained”?
No, too disturbed by the image of someone sitting at their kitchen table and cheerfully jabbing nail after nail into their bleeding hand, lining ‘em up to mail ‘em out.
(Yes, Doc, I understand it’s not real blood…)
Gurl, you gowin to HALL for that!
WHEN IN TIME OF EXTREM STRESS,PHYSICAL OR MENTAL PAIN OR THE LOWEST POINT IN LIFE HOLD THIS NAIL AND KNOW HE HOLDS YOU.
Ya know, I’m fairly sure that Jesus said somewhere in the New Testament about the Lord helping those who help themselves. Wouldn’t you be better off going to a Doctor or therapist? I realize that costs more than $8, but most cities have clinics that will charge you based on what you can afford to pay.
Not meaning to preach, but my dad was a minister, and while he certainly prayed for us kids when we got sick, he also took us to see a doctor if the problem persisted longer than 24 hours.
“Ya know, I’m fairly sure that Jesus said somewhere in the New Testament about the Lord helping those who help themselves.”
Actually, Algernon Sidney said that (translated from a similar phrase from Aesop’s Fables), if the big wiki is to be believed. Definitely not in the Bible, though.
Though I understand that people often confuse Algernon Sidney for Jesus.
MY HEART ACES THAT PEOPLE AREN’T TYPING IN ALL CAPS LOCK.
WTF WAS THE POINT OF HIM GETTING CRUFICATED IF YOU AREN’T GOING TO SHOW SOME GRATITUDE?
I’M SHOWING GATORTUDE RIGHT NOW!
GATORADE IS SO REFRESHING!
WE ONLY DRINK HATERADE IN THESE HERE PARTZ!
I ENJOY BERATERADE MYSELF
I WANT MY BREASTERADE LATTE VENTI
REMEMBER TO HYDRATE WHEN YOU USE YOUR MASTURBATORADE
I LOVE GRAMMAR, SO I LIKE PREDICATERADE.
WHEN I DRINK ENOUGH GIN IT BECOMES MATERADE. ADD TONIC AND LOAD HER INTO THE WINDOWLESS VAN, Y’ALL! LIMES OPTIONAL.
We would all use caps lock if Billy Mays was “cruficied”.
I’M GLAD THIS POST CAME TONIGHT BECAUSE I FEEL SO CAPSLOCK!
IMMA CHANEL MY INTER MISSPALL TOOOO
THIS RANDOM DUDE TEXTS ME SPORADICALLY IN ALL CAPS. HE THEN FREAKS OUT BECAUSE I DON’T KNOW WHO HE IS AND SAY I’M NOT SUNSHINE. HE THEN REALIZES THAT HIS GIRLFRIEND GOT SICK OF HIS CHEATING AND CHANGED RANDOM NUMBERS IN HIS PHONE TO OTHER RANDOM NUMBERS. SO THANKS A LOT TO THE GIRLFRIEND. WE HAVE COMEDIC GOLD CONVERSATIONS UNTIL I MANAGE TO AGAIN CONVINCE HIM HE’S TEXTING THE SAME WRONG NUMBER. IT’S BEEN A WHILE, AND I HOPE HE’S OK.
Damn it all. I get so embarrassed to see things like this come out of my hometown.
Guys, I swear we aren’t all morons.
At first glance I could have sworn that said “Mormons”.
I thought the same thing.
What a moroon!
- Bugs Bunny
What a nincowpoop!
-also Bugs Bunny
I’m not quite sure how this is very comforting seeing as that nail clearly isn’t large enough to securely hold a persons weight. It might of been a different story if they used these nails. Christ would of just fallen off the cross after a little bit like a badly hung painting.
“oh! whoops! dont worry folks see look I’m fine.. just a few holes” dusts off.
“Just a few holes”
Redefining the term Holy Jesus
You know how to whistle don’t you? Just put your hands together and blow… I’ll see myself out…
Nothing like being reminded of somebody’s murder and torture to chase those Blues away!
masonry nails are really better suited for a cross made of concrete. i guess the ancient romans hadn’t figured that out yet.
They were using aqueduct tape.
Actually, this will remind us not to pick our teeth with any handy object lying around. Forgive us, Dr. Beauchamp.
…I misread this and my first thought was, “Heartface?!? If you have an internal organ on your face you have bigger problems then figuring out how to spend your 8 bucks on a spike coated with nail polish.”
get it? NAIL polish. hurk hurk.
Jesus should have died for our grammar ’cause this post’s description is a sin.
Is it bad that the first thing I noticed is that this thing is made of modern steel? I mean they had rudimentary steel 2000 years ago, but the Bessemer process didn’t come about until the mid 19th century.
Also, that’s clearly paint (likely a lacquer.)
Also, there’s no evidence for the historicity of Jesus and it’s likely all metaphor.
Now with that out of the way…
BRING ON THE DWONVOETS!!!
I am a Christian and this item makes me sad for many reasons, but not for the reason you may be thinking of.
*Hint – It’s the capslock.
The LORD does a have a problem with that in certain versions.
CAPSLOCK IS CRUISE-CONTROL FOR SALVATION!
I don’t think it’s fair to tag this “Jews.” Jews should not be held responsible in any way for this person.
“Romans” isn’t a category and there wasn’t anyone else around there at the time. It’s for historical perspective.
“Blessed are the Cheese-makers’??? What’s that supposed to mean?
Also, “Mount” in case it comes up.
I’ve never understood this crucifixion glorification, err-body all wearing crosses and shit.
I think the best way to expess this is with a mad-lib:
If your (__relative__) were killed by/on/with/in a (__noun__), would you wear a (__same noun__) around your neck to remember them by?
I went with “mom” and “rake” WHEEE!!!!
*sadly removes vagina-charm necklace and throws it away.* Sorry, Grandpa. You died happy, though.
A friend of mine wants to know what you’re gonna do with that vagina-charm necklace that you’re no longer using.
I was so close to posting that as “vagina necklace” but then, even drunk, I realized that could have been misconstrued.
But in answer to your question, I swapped the vagina-charm necklace with the toy in an unsupervised Happy Meal.
Happiest meal ever!
Since we’re talking religion here I’m gonna do the Deep South version of this Mad Lib.
If your mom/sister were killed by a banjo would you wear a banjo around your neck to remember them by?
Sadly, in this case, the answer is probably yes.
But you would play that banjo SO WELL and lure unsuspecting rafters to their raping of various kinds.
Banjo…bajingo…it’s all good.
No silly, you make a banjo bumper sticker or car, opps, rusty truck, magnet so you can make sure everyone sees it.
I really think the best way to express EVERYTHING is in Mad-Lib form.
I love how the ‘you’ is tacked on like an afterthought.
Tacked on or nailed on?
I want to know what religion glorifies a “crufication.” And I want to know what a “crufication” is when it’s at home. And WTF is “heartace”? Is this some weird artifact from an even weirder semi-Christian/manicurist cult? And do you have to fail a spelling test to get in? And what’s up with the ellipsis abuse?? QUESTIONS! I NEED ANSWERS!
Or wine. Lots more wine.
Crufication: the sadness you are made to feel when you make a wonderful salad and then realize you are out of delicious croutons.
I’ve been saving all my money for a “Grand Cru” fication in the Burgundy region of France but now I’m laid off! Now whose/who’s cross?
You could always take a cheaper (but just as gorgeous) trip to Skokie, Illinois. The heartaces are in bloom, and it’s just stunning this time of year.
Your extrem kindness is ovwewellming.
No mater what I do, it’s alweys extrem. I’m just an extrem kind of guy. Like that tim I proklamed victory over death. That was pritty extrem.
Is the note a printed receipt?
It’s actually a ransom note. If you look behind the nail, it says, “put all the mony in the bagg and no one gits cruficated”.
How appropriate that this is from Baton Rouge (Red Stick).
Cunning Linguist FTW!
But I don’t want that creepy guy holding….ME……………………
Wasn’t “Heartace” one of Elvis’ hot rod driver/singer movies from the 60s?
Bill Hicks said, “A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back, he’s really going to want to see a fucking cross? Ow! Maybe that’s why he hasn’t shown up yet. It’s like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant. Just thinking of John!”
I’m sure this applies to railroad spikes (?!?), too.
Nails, shmails. I ain’t impressed with a would-be savior until he is bolted and then welded to a cross. With nails after a few days or a bad storm the would-be savior is all slumped at the bottom of the cross and then we have to go back and re-nail him to the cross. Get a few galvanized steel plates, a few five inch bolts, and some decent welding, then we’re talking. I want a category 5 hurricane to blow through, and still have my savior on that cross, dying for my sins. Nails are for pussies.
This gives me an idea. Since we have an abundance of greenbriar around here, I could make and sell “crown of thorns” bracelets. Or hats. I am not sure if they would sell well here in the Buckle of The Bible Belt or if it would be viewed as sacreligious; it would probably depend on my marketing strategy.
Let me try!
Display hanging on a nail the has been pounded into barnwood. Description: REPENT! Just because you are a worthless sinner doesn’t mean that you cannot try to do better. This cuff of organic, upcycled briars allows you to suffer for him just as he suffered for you. Steampunk. These unique expressions of faith are prayerfully handcrafted only on Sundays. Dildo. The mystic symbolism and rustic, handrubbed patina make this the perfect for Lent, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, hobo weddings or onset of menarche (the blessed pain distracts your daughter from the pain of the joys of becoming a wombyn). Octopus. It fits a 7-8 inch wrist and I will not measure it! God bless:)
I only wish I had more thumbs, aliceblue
And to think we’ve been going at it all wrong. We don’t need to work together and use our creative skills and compassion to help out someone in need, oh no, we just need to send them a horseshoe nail and bad capslock poetry. PROLBEM SOVLED BICTHES.
DERPTASTIC. I HART IT!
Every think that when JC sees this type of shit he has 2nd (and perhaps 3d) thoughts?
Ah, yes, the age old tradition of selling crucifixion souvenirs. For a very long time, it was popular for peddlers to sell “pieces of the cross” as holy relics to churches and gullible townsfolk alike. Nice to see some traditions don’t die out. Maybe we can bring back using opiates as cough syrup too, please oh please!
I second the opiate cough syrup! In fact, I think I feel a cough coming on.
Religion IS the cough syrup of the masses.
Know what’s awesome? When a historian went around to all the churches in Ireland that had relic finger bones of St. John, he discovered that St. John must have had at least eighteen fingers.
The more you know (star*twinkle*rainbow)
I know that reliving the inglorious demise of Jesus Christ over and over again (i.e. PTSD By Proxy) is a major part of Christianity, but this shit is pretty damn macabre.
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