Maybe a little steampunk…
…And there before the grand and glorious chamber of compressed vapors stood Lord Faultelbury, holding the limp and fragile body of his diving-bell wife. Her ill-advised and hasty ascent to dry land left her with pale, absinthe-tinted flesh that rivaled the skin of the pearl onion floating in her Gisbon. Never had a corset seemed tighter as she desperately awaited her entombment in the mechanical marvel that was built with some technical advice from friends.
…Lord Faultebury breathed a sigh of relief and smiled as the color returned to his wife’s features in the high-oxygen and pressure atmosphere and she awoke. His smile was transformed to a rictus of terror when she withdrew a cigarette and igniter from her pocket and began to operate the mechanism. “Noooooooooooooo!” he screamed…
TO BE CONTINUED -
…Leaping from his leather wing back chair, Lord Faultebury grabbed a brass fire poke and smashed open the window his lady wife had been holding in place whilst the compressor was running. Grabbing her lace collar he tried pulling her to safety but the bustles of her diving peticoat became snagged on the sound dampener…
I can just picture settling in there with my husband…five minutes in, he’d start to giggle, then the smell would hit me. That’s a lot to pay for a fancy Dutch oven.
Maybe I will, Dad! Then how will you feel, huh? Oh, and my name’s Jimmy, not Timmy! You don’t care about me, or my talent for compression, at all, DO YOU?!!! *hysterical crying*
I like how they let you know it’s not stretch fabric. Because if there’s one thing that steams my beans, it’s shelling out 20k for a hyperbaric chamber for the family only to discover it’s cheesy stretch fabric.
I think I’ve mentioned here before, my phone turns almost everything into Stalin. Which really makes me wonder how they decide what words it should be. Because Stalin is not a word I type often.
The seller would get the $20,000 if Michael Jackson were still alive. If I remember correctly, MJ’s chamber was a solo affair – he would have loved this.
FINALLY I can fire my babysitter. She smokes like a chimney and I’m pretty sure she’s inviting guys over to have sex with while we’re out. She keeps saying she’d never do that, but I’m all, “I have SEEN those used condoms at the bottom of the trashcan, Mom!”
I’m gonna go ahead and applaud your mom, then, for still being able and willing to get her freak on Love when a woman figures out she’s still a hottie during/after divorce!
Ok. I hate cliches and obviousness, but is nobody else with a sense of humor better than mine going to comment on the hold the window in place part? It just becomes so well a hyperbaric chamber.
You only have to hold it until the pressure rises enough to let it stay by itself. Added bonus, if the seal around the window isn’t really good it could fail catastrophically under high pressure, blow out and make blood squirt out of your eyes. So keep a canvas handy.
I mean he tested it extensively. And when I am looking for a home use only personal hyperbaric chamber for me and the family, why not take the word of some stranger off the internet that it is perfectly safe.
o gosh i shudder to think what might can happen with it, i worked with hyperbaric chambers a while and had to read the safety stories with the awful pictures and all
why would you use it at home, we used it frequently to treat wounds or the occasional doctor that was to drunk to operate LO
sobered you right up, no hangover
What makes you think it isn’t already on a fast plane to Helen’s house right now? That thing is one Ethernet connection away from becoming the new Regretsy HQ.
You don’t even need to pump helium into it, just pure oxygen. I’ve been treated in a hyperbaric chamber, and my voice got all squeaky as we dove. Naturally I started singing, “We represent the Lollipop Guild.”
Meh. If it’s a soundproof babysitting machine you’re after, you can do it for less with an abandoned refrigerator. Not that I HAVE, mind you, or WOULD…but I’ve thought about it. Oh, yes. I’ve thought about it. Hard.
His shop is strangely fascinating. “I enjoy creating unusual things that are useful.” Hyperbaric chambers are unusual, but useful? Crystal ball pedestals? 24k gold construction helmet? Plus his descriptions are derp galore: “pedistle” for your crystal ball. A snakewood “tissur” box cover. I think he’s breathing too many polyurethane fumes.
Interestingly, vision problems can be an undesirable side effect of hyperbaric therapy, which may explain the typos.
Also, he says that this goes up to 5 lbs pressure, but according to Wikipedia, the FDA only approves of home hyperbaric chambers to go up to 4.4 pounds, and are Class II medical devices requiring a prescription.
So either this guy is full of it or this is being sold illegally.
Two adults and two children, sure. But before I plunk down twenty geez for this thing, I want to know how many kids can fit in there with only one adult.
…I didn’t know much about hyperbaric chambers/therapy, so I did the logical thing and researched it online for a little while. HOLY SHIT this thing could legitimately be dangerous if it indeed works at all. It sounds like a lot of things can go wrong especially if you aren’t a trained professional.
Additionally it appears that the medicinal uses (and I’m using ‘medicinal’ loosely) are complicated and uncertain at BEST. I doubt anyone has been messed up by this particular one but I shudder a little to think of them PLACING KIDS IN THERE.
August 15, 2012 at 9:31 am
‘Least you can’t say it’s not Steampunk.
August 15, 2012 at 9:46 am
The tags include “Edwardian” and “Sci-Fi,” but not “Steampunk.” Little bastards are trying to class it up.
August 15, 2012 at 10:04 am
Maybe a little steampunk…
…And there before the grand and glorious chamber of compressed vapors stood Lord Faultelbury, holding the limp and fragile body of his diving-bell wife. Her ill-advised and hasty ascent to dry land left her with pale, absinthe-tinted flesh that rivaled the skin of the pearl onion floating in her Gisbon. Never had a corset seemed tighter as she desperately awaited her entombment in the mechanical marvel that was built with some technical advice from friends.
August 15, 2012 at 10:57 am
…Lord Faultebury breathed a sigh of relief and smiled as the color returned to his wife’s features in the high-oxygen and pressure atmosphere and she awoke. His smile was transformed to a rictus of terror when she withdrew a cigarette and igniter from her pocket and began to operate the mechanism. “Noooooooooooooo!” he screamed…
TO BE CONTINUED -
August 15, 2012 at 7:08 pm
…Leaping from his leather wing back chair, Lord Faultebury grabbed a brass fire poke and smashed open the window his lady wife had been holding in place whilst the compressor was running. Grabbing her lace collar he tried pulling her to safety but the bustles of her diving peticoat became snagged on the sound dampener…
August 15, 2012 at 9:32 am
The pressure just got turned up on the family-closeness agenda.
August 15, 2012 at 10:09 am
I can just picture settling in there with my husband…five minutes in, he’d start to giggle, then the smell would hit me. That’s a lot to pay for a fancy Dutch oven.
August 15, 2012 at 10:13 am
More like Dutch Pressure Cooker, am I right?
August 15, 2012 at 11:04 am
I’m sorry, Shaun.
August 15, 2012 at 2:31 pm
Oh that’s rotten!
August 15, 2012 at 11:35 am
“Dad’s calling a Family Meeting! Everybody into the Chamber!”
August 15, 2012 at 11:40 am
“The air bill has gone through the roof and I want to know why!”
August 15, 2012 at 11:46 am
“Jimmy, you can’t compress all your friends all the time! What am I, made of air and compression?”
August 15, 2012 at 12:19 pm
But DAAAAD!! My friends get to compress whenever they want! You’re SO MEAN!
August 15, 2012 at 12:25 pm
Timmy, if all your friends threw all their hyperbaric chambers off a bridge, would you?
August 15, 2012 at 12:39 pm
Maybe I will, Dad! Then how will you feel, huh? Oh, and my name’s Jimmy, not Timmy! You don’t care about me, or my talent for compression, at all, DO YOU?!!! *hysterical crying*
August 15, 2012 at 12:42 pm
Jimmy, Timmy- it doesn’t matter. We’ve put you up for adoption, kid. You and the Chamber need to be gone in a month.
August 16, 2012 at 6:36 pm
What made this conversation for me is that all four avatars are triangles. A lot of family resemblance.
August 15, 2012 at 12:00 pm
“But honey, what I SAID was, this family needs more COMPASSION!”
August 15, 2012 at 12:22 pm
“When I said ‘I CAN’T BREATHE IN THIS FAMILY!’, it was a figure of speech, Ron!”
August 15, 2012 at 5:07 pm
I wish I could Fonzie you, at the very least. (Two thumbs up.)
August 18, 2012 at 7:44 pm
Well, here, I’ll Fonzie for you
Ayyyyyy!!
August 15, 2012 at 9:33 am
I don’t understand people. This just makes me brain hurt.
August 15, 2012 at 10:11 am
Well, first, you cut a hole in the box…
August 15, 2012 at 11:38 am
Oh dear….I seen enought SNL to know where this is going!
August 15, 2012 at 3:11 pm
Just wait, because Step 3 is… HUGE PROFIT!
August 18, 2012 at 7:47 pm
It’s my huge profit in a box!
August 15, 2012 at 10:19 am
This seller might have a home trepanning kit to help with that.
August 15, 2012 at 9:47 pm
I can make it hurt more. Someone will buy this thing, and someone else will film porn in it.
August 16, 2012 at 7:35 pm
Steamporn??
(Just imagine where the story they’re writing upthread could go…)
August 30, 2012 at 1:43 pm
Dammit! Now I wish I had the money to buy it for just that reason. Frick.
August 15, 2012 at 9:36 am
This will put a stop to coming home from a long day at the beach and having to listen to everyone complaining about having the bends.
August 15, 2012 at 10:03 am
I’m curious, what beach do you go to where the bends is a regular issue?
August 15, 2012 at 10:12 am
I’ve heard of that beach – it’s on the windward side of Cape That First Step Is A Doozy.
August 15, 2012 at 10:39 am
We had an abyssal day there.
August 15, 2012 at 11:11 am
What a trenchant reply.
August 15, 2012 at 9:37 am
Putting your kids in it would be hyperbarbaric, if you ask me
August 15, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Some kids really do deserve it.
August 15, 2012 at 9:38 am
It had me at “sound dampener.” Hang a “Do Not Disturb” sign on that puppy, and I’ll pretend it’s a honeymoon suite.
August 15, 2012 at 6:05 pm
At least I’m not the only one who was thinking of using this to have hyperbaric sex…
That is… if I could find a willing volunteer…
August 15, 2012 at 6:58 pm
yes but who would you get to hold the window shut? last time I checked I needed both hands when having sex.
August 15, 2012 at 8:00 pm
Ductape it shut or something or maybe the pressure somehow holds it in place after it starts up.
August 15, 2012 at 8:01 pm
duct tape it shut or something.
August 15, 2012 at 9:38 am
Son: Hey Mommy and Daddy? What do the bends feel like?
Father: Well son, lets go into our hyperbaric chamber and find out!
Son: Oh Boy!
August 15, 2012 at 9:38 am
I like how they let you know it’s not stretch fabric. Because if there’s one thing that steams my beans, it’s shelling out 20k for a hyperbaric chamber for the family only to discover it’s cheesy stretch fabric.
August 15, 2012 at 9:44 am
Those swell up and scare the cat.
August 15, 2012 at 11:29 am
Stretch fabric?? What do you think this is, Amateur Hour?
Oh wait. It is Amateur Hour.
August 15, 2012 at 11:43 am
The Spandex Hyperbolic Chamber is so ’80′s. This one is too, but more 1880′s.
August 15, 2012 at 11:48 am
He shoulda used Spanx, for a slimming look.
August 15, 2012 at 12:41 pm
I cannot overstate my infinite regret for having written hyperbolic (above) instead of hyperbaric. It was the stupidest mistake of all time.
Wait, what I meant was “Damn you auto-correct!”
August 15, 2012 at 12:43 pm
It’s okay. We grade on a curve.
August 15, 2012 at 12:55 pm
Thanks, man. The pressure was getting to me.
August 15, 2012 at 1:01 pm
You felt like we were plotting against you?
August 15, 2012 at 12:54 pm
Thank you for paraphrasing that.
August 15, 2012 at 1:18 pm
I think I’ve mentioned here before, my phone turns almost everything into Stalin. Which really makes me wonder how they decide what words it should be. Because Stalin is not a word I type often.
August 15, 2012 at 1:32 pm
The Spandex Stalin Chamber is so 1880s.
August 15, 2012 at 3:48 pm
Keep your damn phone away from the President. We don’t need that!
August 15, 2012 at 9:39 am
it looks like something you’d see in the movie ‘saw’ like some kind of torture chamber that sprays acid or poisonous gas.
August 15, 2012 at 9:39 am
at least it LOOKS really cool
August 15, 2012 at 9:40 am
Perfect for the next time my kids get the Bends.
August 15, 2012 at 9:48 pm
What the heck else would you use this for? Perhaps some parent got the wrong idea about erotic autoasphyxiation?
August 15, 2012 at 9:40 am
The seller would get the $20,000 if Michael Jackson were still alive. If I remember correctly, MJ’s chamber was a solo affair – he would have loved this.
August 15, 2012 at 10:06 am
Holds one adult and up to three terrified kids?
August 15, 2012 at 10:17 am
With enough propofol, much more is possible.
August 15, 2012 at 11:06 am
Nobody puts Blanket in the corner. Of the chamber.
August 15, 2012 at 9:41 am
Can I get it cheaper without the compressor? I just want to fit it with a porta-potty and install my computer system into it.
OK, with the compressor, I could have a refrigerator. Let me get my wallet…
August 15, 2012 at 9:45 am
FINALLY I can fire my babysitter. She smokes like a chimney and I’m pretty sure she’s inviting guys over to have sex with while we’re out. She keeps saying she’d never do that, but I’m all, “I have SEEN those used condoms at the bottom of the trashcan, Mom!”
Things got weird after Dad left.
August 15, 2012 at 10:09 am
I’m gonna go ahead and applaud your mom, then, for still being able and willing to get her freak on
Love when a woman figures out she’s still a hottie during/after divorce!
August 15, 2012 at 11:40 am
I thumbed this up because I see where you’re going and I agree that cougars need them some post divorce lovings.
August 15, 2012 at 11:10 am
Helping around the house, still meeting new people, independent means of income*, what’s not to love about your Mom?
*from BABYSITTING – not turning tricks as you subtly imply here, you ungrateful whelp!
August 15, 2012 at 11:41 am
JUST STOP SLUTTING IT UP AND GET BACK WITH DAD ALREADY, MOM.
August 15, 2012 at 12:27 pm
Do you want us to leave you alone for a little while, so you can work through this?
August 15, 2012 at 3:31 pm
My therapist says I’ve come a long way.
My liquor cabinet says differently.
August 15, 2012 at 3:50 pm
If your Dad does say he’s coming back, let me know if you Mom will be having any “Going Out Of Business” specials. I’m asking for a friend.
August 15, 2012 at 6:42 pm
YOU STILL WON’T BE MY DAD SO YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO AND IF YOU BREAK MY MOM’S HEART I WILL BREAK YOUR FACE.
August 15, 2012 at 10:22 pm
Aaaaand – scene.
I feel pretty good about this, MbD. If Helen doesn’t start turning shit like this into Regretsy Theater (or Theatre, I’m cool) then we all lose.
August 15, 2012 at 9:45 am
Man, parents sure do put their kids under a lot of pressure these days.
August 15, 2012 at 10:06 am
You’re right, but it could be worse. A tiger mom would make the kids practice the violin while they’re in it.
August 15, 2012 at 9:46 am
I actually kind of wish I’d had one of these when I was watching SHAME.
August 15, 2012 at 9:46 am
Whatever. I knew about using hyperbaric chambers to treat non healing wounds BEFORE it was cool.
August 15, 2012 at 10:10 am
How are they at treating non-healing emotional wounds? Or would I need to shell out even more for the optional bong attachment?
August 15, 2012 at 10:19 am
You can BYO if you’re not using pure oxygen.
August 15, 2012 at 9:46 am
Throw in the gold hard hat and it’s a deal.
August 15, 2012 at 9:52 am
$3000 to laminate the outside and drape quilting on the inside of a Port-O-Potty? That’s a load of shit.
August 15, 2012 at 10:11 am
Only if they didn’t empty it first.
August 15, 2012 at 12:06 pm
Just SHIPPING was $3000? (I was looking at the link.) $20K is way overblown. I hate to burst your bubble like that.
August 15, 2012 at 9:54 am
Ok. I hate cliches and obviousness, but is nobody else with a sense of humor better than mine going to comment on the hold the window in place part? It just becomes so well a hyperbaric chamber.
August 15, 2012 at 10:40 am
Right? WTF is with having to hold the window down? For $20,000 it better come with duct tape.
August 15, 2012 at 10:49 am
You only have to hold it until the pressure rises enough to let it stay by itself. Added bonus, if the seal around the window isn’t really good it could fail catastrophically under high pressure, blow out and make blood squirt out of your eyes. So keep a canvas handy.
August 15, 2012 at 10:02 am
Alright ya little bastards! Quiet down while Mommy’s watching Star Trek, or I’m putting you in the hyperbaric chamber again!”
“Nooo! We’ll be good!”
August 15, 2012 at 10:12 am
Sadly, if this came in “TARDIS” motif, I think hubby would sell a kidney for it. Maybe not one of his, but still.
August 15, 2012 at 1:23 pm
He’s got other kidneys laying around, ready to sell?
August 15, 2012 at 1:46 pm
Silly you. That’s what runaways and hookers are for. They serve so many important purposes in this world.
August 15, 2012 at 1:48 pm
By “in this world”, you mean “Tijuana”, right?
August 15, 2012 at 10:16 am
So, is this for the family of divers or for when the world ends? I’m not really up on my hyperbaric chamber methodology.
August 15, 2012 at 10:22 am
At last, the perfect piece of furniture to compliment my bathysphere!
August 15, 2012 at 10:31 am
Yeah, I’m sure James Cameron will love it.
August 15, 2012 at 10:23 am
I just noticed that the inside is upholstered with tinfoil – so it will also block the government mind-control rays…if you hold the window in place.
August 15, 2012 at 10:38 am
sounds legit.
I mean he tested it extensively. And when I am looking for a home use only personal hyperbaric chamber for me and the family, why not take the word of some stranger off the internet that it is perfectly safe.
August 15, 2012 at 10:45 am
You said I’d get 5 bars in here but I’m not getting any signal at all!
August 15, 2012 at 12:18 pm
$20,000 is a lot to pay for a phone booth that doesn’t work.
August 15, 2012 at 11:14 am
o gosh i shudder to think what might can happen with it, i worked with hyperbaric chambers a while and had to read the safety stories with the awful pictures and all
why would you use it at home, we used it frequently to treat wounds or the occasional doctor that was to drunk to operate LO
sobered you right up, no hangover
August 15, 2012 at 1:50 pm
Hold on, hold on.
Are you saying what I think you’re saying?
And you’re saying this on regretsy?
If a thousand of us gather and put $20 each then all we have to do is put it in a place easily accessible to everybody…
August 15, 2012 at 3:56 pm
What makes you think it isn’t already on a fast plane to Helen’s house right now? That thing is one Ethernet connection away from becoming the new Regretsy HQ.
August 15, 2012 at 11:15 am
This is way too Matilda for me.
August 15, 2012 at 11:58 am
THE CHOKIE! Dear god I knew it reminded me of something. You think we could get it in spikes?
August 15, 2012 at 1:48 pm
I’m picturing a limited Game of Thrones edition.
August 15, 2012 at 11:25 am
“I built it myself with technical advice from friends”.
———————————————————
-”Hey Tommy, you think this’ll be cool with my family in it?”
-”Fuckin’ A yeah! You should put a window in it, though, so I can see you guys in there.”
August 15, 2012 at 11:44 am
Seriously, I can’t freakin’ wait for the “foot exploded off the body but still in the boot” photos that’ll come from the sale of this item.
August 15, 2012 at 11:47 am
IT’S A FUCKING TIME MACHINE!!!
August 15, 2012 at 11:49 am
If you get this and never pump helium into it so you can record hilarious karaoke, you have completely squandered its potential.
August 15, 2012 at 2:02 pm
You don’t even need to pump helium into it, just pure oxygen. I’ve been treated in a hyperbaric chamber, and my voice got all squeaky as we dove. Naturally I started singing, “We represent the Lollipop Guild.”
August 15, 2012 at 11:51 am
I love how it’s 20 Grand and there’s only 2 way-too-close pictures of it.
August 15, 2012 at 11:54 am
I bet you could get like 57 clowns in that thing.
August 15, 2012 at 11:56 am
Because their huge noses and shoes would compress down! That must be how the little cars work.
August 15, 2012 at 1:28 pm
You think they use “hyperbaric clown cars”?
August 15, 2012 at 11:54 am
By the way, something related to this could go wrong:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEY3fN4N3D8
My favorite Mythbusters episode without Kari Byron in it.
August 15, 2012 at 11:57 am
You got a thang for Kari Byron?
August 15, 2012 at 12:12 pm
Yes! It’s in this hyperbonic box I’ve cut a hole in. With all due respect.
For SCIENCE!
August 15, 2012 at 12:16 pm
You’ve got a “mythbuster” of your own in that box?
August 15, 2012 at 12:44 pm
“Confirmed”!
August 15, 2012 at 12:44 pm
And “Busted”!
August 15, 2012 at 12:36 pm
Meh. If it’s a soundproof babysitting machine you’re after, you can do it for less with an abandoned refrigerator. Not that I HAVE, mind you, or WOULD…but I’ve thought about it. Oh, yes. I’ve thought about it. Hard.
August 15, 2012 at 3:14 pm
That’s seriously sick, but I laughed, so thumbs up!
August 15, 2012 at 4:00 pm
You can have something be soundproof but still have air holes. It’s baffling, I know.
August 16, 2012 at 8:47 am
Don’t tell my kids that.
August 15, 2012 at 12:51 pm
The phrase “It holds 2 adults, but you could get 2 adults and 2 children in it at once” is suspect to me…does he mean at gunpoint?
August 15, 2012 at 12:56 pm
His shop is strangely fascinating. “I enjoy creating unusual things that are useful.” Hyperbaric chambers are unusual, but useful? Crystal ball pedestals? 24k gold construction helmet? Plus his descriptions are derp galore: “pedistle” for your crystal ball. A snakewood “tissur” box cover. I think he’s breathing too many polyurethane fumes.
August 15, 2012 at 12:58 pm
Sometimes when I’m on the turlet, I use tissurs when I’m out of turlet paper.
August 15, 2012 at 1:04 pm
Interestingly, vision problems can be an undesirable side effect of hyperbaric therapy, which may explain the typos.
Also, he says that this goes up to 5 lbs pressure, but according to Wikipedia, the FDA only approves of home hyperbaric chambers to go up to 4.4 pounds, and are Class II medical devices requiring a prescription.
So either this guy is full of it or this is being sold illegally.
August 15, 2012 at 1:51 pm
Are you boys cooking in there?
Noo.
Are you building an interocitor?
NOOO!
August 17, 2012 at 2:23 am
Turn up the Flash Gordon noise and put more science stuff around!
August 15, 2012 at 2:24 pm
Now I know what to do with Grandma’s old wardrobe!
August 15, 2012 at 3:01 pm
Two adults and two children, sure. But before I plunk down twenty geez for this thing, I want to know how many kids can fit in there with only one adult.
Er… for fire code purposes, I mean.
August 15, 2012 at 4:02 pm
Your Day Care Center better not be really expensive!
August 19, 2012 at 1:08 pm
Nah. The joy of having children around pays for itself. (That, and selling the pics over FreeNet.)
August 15, 2012 at 5:17 pm
Hmmm…does it kind of look like a confession booth to anyone else?
August 15, 2012 at 6:08 pm
Confessing your sins was yesterday – now compressing them is all the rage.
August 15, 2012 at 9:00 pm
This looks like a crime scene photo.
August 16, 2012 at 12:30 am
…I didn’t know much about hyperbaric chambers/therapy, so I did the logical thing and researched it online for a little while. HOLY SHIT this thing could legitimately be dangerous if it indeed works at all. It sounds like a lot of things can go wrong especially if you aren’t a trained professional.
Additionally it appears that the medicinal uses (and I’m using ‘medicinal’ loosely) are complicated and uncertain at BEST. I doubt anyone has been messed up by this particular one but I shudder a little to think of them PLACING KIDS IN THERE.
August 16, 2012 at 7:23 am
But why is there no door? Solid wood and he couldn’t figure out the fucking door?
August 17, 2012 at 12:38 am
Could you add a heat lamp and make it a hypobaric sauna?