- Submitted by Ava
Is there anything more darling than porn references on onesies? So fun and classy. And it lets everyone know that you had to read 3rd rate Twilight fan fiction just to get hot enough to let your slob of a husband bang you.
And now it’s time for 50 shades of shit brown.
And green! It’s green sometimes!
And yellow. With seeds.
50 Shades of Baby Poo…..bestseller!!!! As long as it’s not a picture book lol.
you mean 500 stinks of brown
you both are wrong, baby shit is orange
Have you seen a diaper after a baby gets into a sibling’s crayons? That’s a psychedelic treat.
ETA: ===> NO SHADES OF GRAY WHATSOEVER
Everybody is right. Babies are full of shit.
It would be at least a little funny if it was, y’know, printed on a gray onesie.
I would say that’s 50 shades of Fucked up but then you’d all know I read this pile of shit.
I spent two weeks reading this pile of painfully bad evil-soccer-mom spankery, and it really is as bad as you’ve been told. It’s also hilarious. I recommend the Gilbert Gottfried reading.
As a “soccer mom,” I must say that I find this notion offensive.
We have tons of better porn that this fucking shit.
I’m not a soccer mom, but I’d still have to agree. Just reading the synopsis made me realize you’d have to frozen below the waist to think this is exciting…
The sheer amount of ignorant people I work with saying “OMG! This book is SO amazing! I just can’t put it down!” or worst of all, “It changed my life!” is astonishing. People have actually gotten pissed at me for daring to say it’s shit. I got halfway through the first one and just had to stop. The writing is the worst I’ve ever experienced.
Be fair. It’s still a better than twilight.
Well, these are the same people who loved “Twilight” too. One coworker, who is sweet as pie, is obsessed with vampires, fairies, and anything supernatural.
From what I’ve heard, it actually gets worse as the series goes on.
That’s pretty impressive. I couldn’t pull off one page, and I am someone who read all of Hulk Hogan’s autobiography.
I am just amazed people will still pay for porn, especially dirty stories.
I haven’t read it, so I try not to judge.
My mother tried to read it, though. She quit halfway through, because it was “boring.” I’m not sure if that makes my mother awesome, or just terrifying.
I didn’t know you could get knocked up from masturbation.
Ha – you win, Lemon!
Obviously, if you are reading the book, then you aren’t really sure how sex works in the first place.
And you still don’t know after reading them.
Are are wondering where this child came from.
It involves a lot of swirling, things that would actually damage your clitoris after excessive use, and a disappointing lack of kinkiness. Also, it involves exploding a lot.
It also involves a lot of lip biting and Inner Goddess references.
That’s exactly what I thought when I first saw the onesie… only I wasn’t witty enough to make a joke out of it. I actually thought that was what it meant.
I’m awfully curious about this book.
This way lies madness.
the best review I’ve read (haven’t read the books) was this one: http://www.goodreads.com/review/show/340987215
that should cure any curiosity you have
^^^^fuckit, that was a brilliant review. and for those of you who haven’t clicked the link (you should) I’m just going to leave this here:
“It’s about two attention-starved individuals with the emotional maturity of toilet paper convincing themselves that their relationship is ‘like, the best thing ever, OMG’.”
If you only read the first review, do yourself a favor and read all three. They are fantastic.
That is the best review I have ever read, I think the part that made me laugh the hardest was the deepthroat. Oh I am crying from laughter, and the fact that they might make it into a movie
One of the best things I’ve heard is that this gal is supposed to be 100% inexperienced, never been touched, never touched herself, and yet she gushes about what a wonderful lover he is and how big his dick is, etc. WHAT’S HER FRAME OF REFERENCE? I mean, jeez, he could be the lousiest fuck in the world with a dick like a toothpick and she wouldn’t know the difference.
The book has raised hackles in the BDSM community for showing BDSM sex as a symptom of being “broken” rather than as a legit and natural form of sexual expression. At least, that’s what they say.
I’ve listened to parts from an audio version, and scanned a couple pages at a bookstore. It looks tedious and trite.
As a member of the BDSM community:
“The book has raised hackles in the BDSM community for showing BDSM sex as a symptom of being “broken” rather than as a legit and natural form of sexual expression. At least, that’s what they say.”
Q. F. F. T.
(Had to look up QFFT, wanted to be sure I didn’t piss anyone off…glad to see I didn’t!)
Thank you, that did cure my morbid, staring-at-a-train-wreck curiosity. And there are GIFS!
Synopsis: Author is horny. Writes book about horniness. When finished, is still a hack.
I’m just gonna leave this here: http://scifimagpie.blogspot.ca/2012/08/50-shades-of-finished-reflections-on.html
Think of it as a safe way to satisfy your curiosity without having to read it.
And THIS is a chapter by chapter commentary that shouldn’t be missed
That jar of “lotion” by your bed? Heh heh heh!
I have a correction.
* Most sane people who have read these books understand why these are not fitting.
“Sane people” ∧ “have read these books” = ∅
Browsing the rest of the listings, I’d say “sane people” is not her target market. http://www.etsy.com/listing/106405506/looking-for-mr-grey-fifty-shades-of-grey?ref=v1_other_1
“With the saying ‘Looking for Mr. Grey’, suitable for your little princess who is waiting for her Mr Grey in life.”
At least the ick is gender equal.
Why not just shorted them both to “looking for an abusive relationship”
Because that’s what babies want. Relationships. And spankings.
It’s hard to top the princess complex, but as a society, I think we’ve finally managed to do so.
It makes even less sense on a one-month-old baby…
It takes a month to get over the bad-wannabe-porn-induced aversion.
So she was only pregnant for 7 months?
Do they make these in tween sizes? Because I might want to send my middle school child to school in something like that.
It would be something with an Anne Rice reference:
156 months ago Mommy read “Exit to Eden”
156 months ago Mommy read “Sleeping Beauty”
I still want it to read ’9 months ago’ so he can show off his mom’s literary skills.
Gawddamn, THANK YOU! Thinking I was the only one out there.
Can I just say that, in my opinion, forcing any child too young to make their own decisions wear this constitutes child ause?
Hey, if my kid wants to go out, get a job, pay some rent, buy his own wardrobe, then he can wear whatever he wants. Until then, he can wear shirts that proclaim how questionable my taste in reading is.
When I was a tween, my parents let me wear bright pink stirrup stretch pants to school. Now that’s child abuse.
So what you’re saying is my newborn should always be naked. I mean, at 8 days old he can neither make his own decisions nor dress himself.
If babies had their way, I think they would be naked all the time.
Naw, his shirt would say, “NSFW > 50SoG”
I fucking LOVE YOU.
Wow, that’s really saying something since Twilight is 3rd rate fanfiction to begin with.
3rd rate Fanfiction… of 3rd rate Fanfiction… Mother of god it’s become Meta fiction! Run! Run for your lives! It’s no longer confined by the conventional rules of reality!
How about a onesie that reads “Immaculate Fanfiception”?
Afaik this was a literal (not literary, heh) comment. The Author’s previous work was Twilight fanfic or something like that?
Not her previous work. This “work”. There is no other work. Fifty shades of grey IS twilight fanfiction.
From what I recall, the author originally published it all over the internet as a Twilight fanfiction, got popular, and managed to publish it after swapping out the names.
Oh god, sometimes you’re better off not knowing.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
There was one time on TF2 when someone read 50 Shades of Grey, but substituted Medic and Heavy for Ana and Christian, which was very amusing.
Fortunately, my mother thinks BDSM is of the devil and would never read such a thing but well… there is still a bottle of lube in the medicine cabinet in the master bathroom and it is very new still and every other week or so when my father is home from piloting, I swear I can hear them still going at it and I’m often afraid to leave my room, even when I have to go down the hall to use the restroom just so that it does not seem like I’m trying to listen in.
Was the medic Ana and the Heavy Christian?
Because it always seems like it should be the other way around.
…not that I’ve ever thought about that before
No, the Medic was Christian and the Heavy was Ana
I would pay money for a five-minute sequence of the Medic and the Heavy reading ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ in character–especially anything from the particularly atrocious third book in the series.
“I AM ABOUT TO EXPIRE. HERRR DOCTORRRR!”
THIS!!! It would make the series much more readable if Heavy and Medic did a read through of it.
It would also be hilarious if Scout’s mother read the book with Spy or something.
That puts the “Approximately 9 months ago my mom got laid” onesie to shame.
Nine months ago, the Condom broke.
Nine months ago, mommy ran out of plan b.
Nine months ago, daddy got deployed.
Nine months ago, mommy left me at the fire station
There are millions of these. I recommend we corner the market.
18 months ago, daddy got deployed. oh, wait…
Nine months ago Mommy learned about roofies.
I knew I should have added …”but we live in certain South or Great Plain states or Taliban-controlled areas and therefore I can’t exercise my right to choose freely so now whoop, there it is.” but that seemed wordy.
You managed to write something too dark for this site, felicitations.
Unless you’re putting this onesie on a baby a month or less old, the bun was already in the oven.
So I suppose there needs to be a disclaimer that the onesie must be disposed of after a month. Or it only comes in newborn sizes.
“Mommy, where do babies come from?”
“Well, honey, when a woman needs to get turned on enough to let her man crawl on top of her, she reads 50 Shades Of Grey and pretends she’s someone else and her life doesn’t suck. And then sometime about 9 months after that a baby shows up. Now go make Mommy another Bloody Mary.”
Shit. I had no idea vibrators could get you pregnant.
*Batteries not included
My mom is so vanilla, she thought Fifty Shades of Grey was porn and now I’m here.
How about that for a onesie? No?
I suggest “My mom reads FSOG; PLEASE get me into foster care!”
I hadn’t heard of these books until Amazon kept “recommending
them to me. I was all, “Fine. Lemme see.”
Read a couple of the reviews and… slowly backed away…
May or may not have deleted my browsing history too. Just in case.
So all I have to do have a baby is read Fifty Shades of Grey? Yeah, even if it could cure my infertility, I still wouldn’t read it.
Even if it cured my infertility AND got my house out of foreclosure.
I’s put a baby in a fine Tshirt-hell creation such as “All daddy wanted was a blowjob” before subjecting a child to that crap
That comment’s pretty funny, since your avatar’s mouth is duct taped.
Yeah, if I was going to burden my spawn with clothing that commented on my sex life/reproductive choices, it would be a lot cleverer than that.
Shit, if I was going to make a baby wear stuff advertising my enjoyment of fanfiction, it would still be better than that. Probably with something about how dad had the reach and mom had the flexibility, but neither had a condom.
Anyone see this – Fifty Shades read by Ellen Degeneres
How about Gilbert Gottfried?
You just turned my shitty day into gold
These have all made my day amazing!
And the musical
Will Ferrell and Zach Galifianakis – sure it was part of a press junket for their latest movie, but still good
“Nine months ago there was sparkling Burgundy served at the Book Club meeting.”
I’ve had friends ask me if E. L. James is my pen name.
Are they asking that in the comments section of your bad fan fiction? If not, it seems kinda random. If so, you seem awfully proud to be writing bad fan fiction.
Good on ya!
Ok – this was meant for Lucrez. My computer and or wine is broken. I’m taking an internet break.
And it didn’t copy my mixed up comment and now it looks like I’m talking to myself. I’ve either had too much wine or not enough.
Never too much wine!
I never thought any character could have a more pathetic, twee, Mary Sue-type name than “Bella Swan.”
That is, of course, until we were introduced to Anastasia Steele.
And if she got married to Christian, she’d be Steele-Grey.
Yeah, I went there.
‘Pathetic, twee, Mary Sue-type name.’ I ♥ you, Bronc.
The only acceptable Steele is Remington.
*high fives Jemmy*
But Anastasia Steele IS Bella Swan! Dun Dun DUAH!
You know what’s really sad? This book is so talked about that my 11 year old was asking me about it!!
My inner goddess just threw up a bit.
I didn’t flinch at the skunk feet and the muskrat glands, but this made me shout “OH, EW!!!” at my laptop. I wish I was kidding.
Ah, but is your inappropriately-named subconscious delivering a lecture on English literature whilst name-checking Freud?
I hope the movie portrays her subconscious and inner goddess with Lizzie McGuire-style interrupting cartoon monologues. I would laugh myself onto the theatre floor.
But that would make it interesting
This is the kind of thing that happens when people who have never had kinky sex (or any other kind of sex) try to write porn. It’s like watching a dog try to smoke a cigarette.
except less amusing
Did she give birth to the Anti-Christ or something?
Fun fact: “Onesie” is a registered trademark of Gerber. The internet catalog company I used to work for got a letter from them, and the GM spent half the night changing every listing for Onesie to “OneZ” or something like that so we wouldn’t get sued.
I’m surprised they haven’t lost that trademark being how common the usage is.
Naw. I guess their lawyers have yet to get around to everyone. I can’t imagine it being that hard though. Just type in Onesie and email the cease and desist they have saved to Word. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind having that job. It must be the laziest lawyering job ever.
If an American company that makes their product in China can trademark “UGG Australia” then there’s no hope for any generic usage anywhere.
Welcome to the future.
I *thought* I was open minded, but I would totally judge anyone who put this on their kid.
Noone seems to have mentioned this, it contains a lot of Australianisms, but I’m sure you’ll get the idea.
If some Sheila has promised to buy me a plasma with the baby bonus I’d've rutted her on the spot, by crikey!
Every so often I’m morbidly curious about 50 Shades of Gray (the Stopping To Stare At A Train Wreck kind of curious), but not curious enough to actually risk poisoning my mind with it.
Don’t go there. One of the publishing houses had the first chapter online for free. I could barely read through that, in fact, I skipped every other page and it was still the most awful trash I had ever read.
Take a stroll through some of the goodreads reviews, or try the 50 shades of suck tumblr. That’s really all you’ll need.
I haven’t quite worked out if the 5 star ratings on Goodreads are sarcastic or not. I’m hoping the former but fear the latter.
Even better, click the Gilbert Gottfried link someone posted upthread. Sit on a towel. You will laugh until you pee, and there’s no way reading it will be better than that.
I have a bit of a “don’t knock it ’til you’ve tried it” mindset, so I decided I had to actually read Twilight if I was going to complain about it.
I couldn’t believe what I was reading, but the morbid fascination kept me going through all three books.
Now I have earned the right to spew all sorts of venom on the subject of Twilight, but I don’t really feel that it’s worth my time.
I’m slightly tempted to do the same with 50SoG, but I know it won’t be worth the trouble.
Disclaimer: The books were pirated and read on my Kindle. No money was donated to the Twilight empire.
I’d put pickled skunk feet on my child before this.
Wee paws for this message from CPS…
dammit, I have missed out on so much.
We didn’t have onesies and my son’s would have said something boring like, daddy and I listened to the Stones and smoked some reefer…and 9 months later we named you kief.
I read maybe one paragraph and had to put it down. I already knew it was bad, I just had to see for myself. So I opened it to a random page. Absolute piss.
But I get customers at work (at a bookstore) telling me it’s, like, omg, the best book they’ve EVER read. I have to wonder if it’s the ONLY book they’ve ever read.
And now there’s a copycat called Bared to You. I forget the author’s name. It’s equally bad. I also read just one paragraph and it was describing, in as many words, how the protagonist (so, Ana) wanted the crazy man (so, Christian) to pound her until she came hard. And that’s almost verbatim.
AND now there’s another one that’s being hailed as the next awesome thing after FSoG called On the Island which might classify as child porn. Thirty-something teacher gets stranded on an island following a plane crash with her 16-year-old tutoring charge, who is in remission from cancer. Seedy shitfiction has found a new low!
Smut-seekers! Do not confuse the above with “On the Beach”! There is sex and cancer in that, too and it’s in Australia, which is hot. But, no. Don’t confuse them.
The problem is, now everyone who criticizes that shit will be accused of criticizing porn literature. In the same way everyone criticizing the absolute literary bottom of DaVinci code was accused of supporting church attrocities.
DaVinci code was at least mildly entertaining.
It’s pretty much up there with every book Laurell K. Hamilton has written since Obsidian Butterfly.
I’ve had friends and coworkers recommend 50 Shades to me. And they always say something like, “I’m not a reader, but…” or “I hadn’t read a book in FOREVER, but…” before they rave about it. I’m convinced that the people who like it wouldn’t know bad writing if it bit them on the ass.
Ah, and that’s exactly what happened with DaVinci code as well (see my comment above). Do I need to change species, planet, or universe?
I saw my mom pick up the first one when we were at Costco. I started yelling loudly for her to put it down. She didn’t understand why I was freaking out about this book and then I had to explain its awfulness.
I also had a customer at my work ask me about the book. That was an awkward conversation.
Knowing Costco, it was the bulk-size 5000 Shades of Gray but most of them were going to go bad before you got around to them.
Also it probably comes pre-packaged with a 50-count box of D-cell batteries
For some reason the only thing that this brings to mind is Saved By the Bell’s infamous very special episode.
“I’m so excited! I’m… SO SCARED!!!”
I think that’s what the baby might think. Or at least I hope so.
OMG we quoted that line in grad school all the time whenever we’d had too much coffee
“Is there anything more darling than porn references on onesies? So fun and classy. And it lets everyone know that you had to read 3rd rate Twilight fan fiction just to get hot enough to let your slob of a husband bang you.”
Once more, thank you for putting some sense back to life.
True story: My husband picked it up at the airport, but didn’t know what he was getting. He read for about an hour and then threw it in the trash. I was so proud!
Whoever made this onesie must be Fifty Shades of Cray…
9 months ago mommy had lousy taste in literature.
And she still does.
It’s better than the “Tight pants, yellow number 5 and heavy marijuana use do not make effective birth control, despite common urban myths.” onesies that I am still forced to wear.
If I was “still forced to wear onesies”, I’d totally prefer your version, Holytape!
I’m missing some cultural reference related to color yellow, and I’d like this to change
There was a myth that drinking mountain dew was a form of birth control because the food color “yellow #5″ (Tartrazine) was supposed to reduce sperm counts and shrink the testicles.
I am so glad that my mom has good taste in literature, and would never consider reading this shiz.
I saw a guy reading 50sog on an airplane last week. He was only at the very beginning of the book, and didn’t seem very enthused. I wondered if he picked it up at the airport bookstore just to have something to read during the flight (didn’t ask, though. I’ve learned to avoid conversations about 50sog). Meanwhile, I was reading the airplane safety manual, which was free, and far more entertaining. I think I got the better deal.
Just read tejasmom, four comments above yours, ok?
:O I wonder if they were the SAME GUY?!
There’s a great podcast called “Read It and Weep” where a crew of comics eviscerate bad books (and have extended into movies and TV as well), and their episode for “50 Shades” is precious.
Read It and Weep Just in case you’re so motivated.
GUYS. You guys. I just had an epiphany.
Some fifty years from now, or whenever the author of this nightmare fuel breathes her final “oh my” gasp, some community (like ours) will play an audio excerpt as-read-by-the-author, and commenters will show no mercy.
But there will be one or two commenters who say something like, “Well, at least she made S&M fantasies legitimate by introducing them to the mainstream” and “she was a product of her age” and so on.
But BEFORE that, someone (raises hand) who commented similarly on a gawd-awful gob of literary slime written fifty years AGO, will have an epiphany realizing WHY she was off base with her comment.
And I didn’t even need weed this time.
I really hope these books have dropped way off the radar well before 50 years from now.
I mean, they can’t get made into a film unless they pay off the owners of “Secretary”. Please?
(I meant to add this as a new comment and not as a reply up above)
Wow. I totally neglected to realize that making it to the FP lets you fat jealous losers know my real name.
Anyhow, this is the one I originally submitted:
The hearts make that one classy!
Oh true. The I-care-fuck-all font on this one makes it a bit more depraved.
“All Mommy wanted was a night with Mr. Grey”, but then Mr. Blonde showed up and things went to hell.
How making it to the FP lets someone know your name?
Also, these onesies are still horribly awful and poor in taste.
She’s sold 8 onesies and all of them are FSoG related. Have they no shame or decency?
I passed by a rug shop yesterday on Lincoln Avenue with an ad/sign in the window; written across the top: FIFTEEN SHADES OF GREY. Underneath, a picture of an array of grey rugs. I almost took a photo, but by the time I noticed it the light was about to turn green so I didn’t have time.
I thought it was a swatch book… it wasn’t.
… she thought THAT was why she was doing all that vomiting. Turns out it was morning sickness.
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