R.I.P. HGB
About ten years ago, I threw my back out and was stuck in bed for a few weeks.
There’s something about the combination of utter boredom and opiates that naturally lends itself to spending long periods of time on eBay, and I began buying all the bizarre vinyl I could find. It was during this time that I built my beloved library of Vincent Price cooking records, foreign language covers of Smells Like Teen Spirit, and Telly Savalas talk-smoking the hits of the ’70s.
But perhaps my most treasured find was a two-record set of Helen Gurley Brown reading her 1962 bestseller, Sex and the Single Girl.
It’s hard to believe we ever thought this kind of crap was empowering, but apparently we did. It all comes down to dreamy dresses and cotton balls in your cleavage. And if you aren’t doing that, “then maybe you don’t really want a man.”
Helen Gurley Brown died yesterday at the age of 90, but her bizarre advice lives on. Here’s my favorite piece from the Sex and the Single Girl album, titled “Plain Girl Power.” Sit back and relax, and see how you too can find a man, “even if you aren’t pretty.”
Now you just sit there and be a big brave boy while I take off my wig.
- Sex and the Single Girl is still, inexplicably, available on Amazon
August 14, 2012 at 9:36 am
WHO thought HGB was pretty?! GAH.
August 14, 2012 at 9:40 am
The picture above makes me think “Jesus died for our sins, and because he wasn’t very pretty.”
August 14, 2012 at 9:49 am
He died because he was hung “like this”. And even in Roman times – hVIIIers were gonna hVIII.
August 14, 2012 at 1:06 pm
I can’t stop laughing over the hVII. More thumbs please.
August 14, 2012 at 10:16 am
But he was firm of “boosem”.
August 14, 2012 at 9:49 am
Well she didn’t always look like the above picture. Once upon a time she looked like this:
So while never really what I would call a great beauty she was far from the terrifying husk of a woman she became in later years.
August 14, 2012 at 9:52 am
Rocked the animal prints to the end, though.
August 14, 2012 at 9:58 am
Have to admit the high forehead looked better when covered with her 60s ‘do… it got a bit overwhelming in later years…
August 14, 2012 at 10:15 am
That forehead’s more like a fivehead.
August 14, 2012 at 10:33 am
Nah, its just poor wig placement.
August 14, 2012 at 11:46 pm
Terrifying husk of a woman? She got old, see what you look like when you’re in your 80′s.
Coming in late to this conversation, but people should read this: http://www.bust.com/blog/how-helen-gurley-brown-became-a-militant-feminist-at-age-65.html
It’s an interesting take on what she did.
August 15, 2012 at 7:08 am
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August 14, 2012 at 4:51 pm
Bring on the good times
August 14, 2012 at 9:43 am
Funny thing is, if you pretended she was saying this sarcastically, it instantly becomes hilarious.
August 14, 2012 at 3:39 pm
The perfect posting for “Regretsy Theater”! Come on Helen…PLEASE?
August 14, 2012 at 9:43 am
Aw man… you mean I had both plain-girl power and flat-chested sexiness all this time??? Guess it’s time to grab my wig and find my “concave” self a man.
August 14, 2012 at 9:44 am
Well, as a bonus, those perfume drenched cotton balls stuffed in your bra do double duty!
August 16, 2012 at 9:54 pm
False giant nipples!
August 14, 2012 at 1:55 pm
Don’t forget to get in all up to your armpits.
Rock that chalk and surf his thoughts, too…
Wait… wha?
August 14, 2012 at 9:44 am
I just know that Rule 34 applies here…and oddly, this is far more disturbing than most other applications of the rule.
August 14, 2012 at 9:45 am
That was pretty Gurley, alright.
August 14, 2012 at 9:47 am
I’m supposed to work three f**king jobs to buy dresses that are dreamy to attract men to my plain, less pretty self, presumably by distracting him by my off-putting plainness?
Think again, HGB.
August 14, 2012 at 9:51 am
I just want to know when one is supposed to date given they are working three jobs?
August 14, 2012 at 9:53 am
One of the jobs is obviously “Escort”.
August 14, 2012 at 9:57 am
But only pretty girls can do that.
August 14, 2012 at 9:59 am
Not if the man is equally desperate. Then it’s a match made in HGB heaven.
August 14, 2012 at 10:11 am
I hear “Assistant Crack Whore” has pretty flexible hours. That could be one of the jobs.
August 14, 2012 at 10:26 am
That’s “Assistant TO THE Crack Whore”
August 14, 2012 at 10:30 am
I always mess that up. Thanks for keeping me on my toes, Zip.
August 14, 2012 at 11:19 am
A clearly-delineated crack whore hierarchy is crucial to the economy in these difficult times.
August 14, 2012 at 12:22 pm
I want to be PRESIDENT Crack Whore. My ambition knows no limits!
August 14, 2012 at 12:35 pm
That’s good, because in the Crack Whore world, you have to be pretty okay with no limits.
August 14, 2012 at 11:13 am
One year, when Norm McDonald was doing SNL Weekend News, he announced the results of the survey of worst jobs. The previous year’s worst job, Crack Whore, had been surpassed that year by the new worst job, ASSISTANT Crack Whore.
Sorry, Zippy, but Matt was correct.
But serious kudos on the Roman numeral joke above, Zippy. Brilliant!
August 14, 2012 at 11:22 am
He was, but do you really think there are any open positions in a cushy job like that?
August 14, 2012 at 11:15 am
Oh honey, only until you land yourself a man. Then of course you’ll quit those three jobs to stay home, cooking culinary
delightsabortions such as these vintage Weight Watchers recipes and hot-gluing shit to other shit.August 14, 2012 at 9:57 am
As a plain guy who just wants to land a girl who is heavy of bosom, I think I can steal much of Helen’s advice and laterally upcycle it into my daily routines.
1) While on the bus I should hold the comic I’m reading in front of my face instead of perching it on my lap. This will a) hide my plain features and b) show off the erection I always get when reading comic books.
2) Start wearing lipstick and rouge. Lithe-bodied women love Swedish men.
3) Calf implants.
August 14, 2012 at 10:16 am
The PETA people would probably disapprove of number 3, though.
August 14, 2012 at 11:00 am
And make sure they’re not golden calf implants, or you’ll also have the Bible after you.
August 14, 2012 at 1:53 pm
Do you want your legs to make it to the Promised Land or don’t you?
August 16, 2012 at 3:05 am
Are golden robots with calf implants exempt?
August 14, 2012 at 10:29 am
The easy way would be to work 3 jobs. Then you can be just about anybody’s sugar daddy.
August 15, 2012 at 7:09 am
#1 would probably attract me to you
Unfortunately I have small boobs and am married
August 14, 2012 at 9:58 am
And I now realize it was an honest-to-God miracle that I was able to find my husband without knowing about this book. Why, I could have caught a man far earlier than the old, haggard age of 22! But then again, I’m a mix of “plain girl” and “bosomy girl” so I guess my breasts did the work for me. THANK YOU, BOOBIES!
August 14, 2012 at 10:17 am
Blerg, it is starting to seem like I buy into her crap … but when she says “I married later in life” she was 38 at the time of her first and only marriage. Considering the time period “later in life” is a gross understatement. She was 40 when her book came out.
August 14, 2012 at 11:14 am
Dammit, *I* am 38 and single! on the other hand, a skeevy yet harmless guy accosted me outside the drugstore last night, offered me cigarettes, called me pretty and sexy and offered to accompany me home, so hey, I guess I haven’t lost it yet!
August 14, 2012 at 12:06 pm
I’ll have you know I’m “mostly harmless”! “The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy” got updated.
August 14, 2012 at 10:23 am
But do bosomy girls = gorgeous girls? Are plain girls only concave-chested? If so, you and I, my friend, are gorgeous girls that don’t have to work for a man. We have our chests!
August 14, 2012 at 4:32 pm
All my bosoms ever got me was sexually assaulted – three times, twice I reported. I’m not plain by any stretch, but the bosoms make it totally impossible to separate the jerks from the nice guys. They react identically – like animals. The jerks reach and grab for what they want, and each time it’s a surprise and I’m horrified.
Now I don’t bother with cleavage. Guys can see boobs whether there’s cleavage or not. And I’m always looking for new filters to separate the guys being nice to me because of my boobs from the guys being nice to me because of my boobs and are nice guys in general even when not looking at my boobs.
August 14, 2012 at 4:35 pm
I’m sorry, I didn’t read a word of that. I was too busy staring at your boobs.
August 15, 2012 at 8:38 am
A nice guy apologizes for staring at your boobs. He continues to stare, but he feels bad about it.
August 14, 2012 at 10:00 am
she took a highly-regarded literary journal and turned it into a sleazy piece of slime…..wasting no tears on this creepy woman.
August 14, 2012 at 10:16 am
Just because Brown took a magazine that once published fiction by H.G. Wells and essays by Amelia Earhart to a magazine that would advise women to “When you’re out on a hike with your man, slip a small, smooth stone into your pocket when he’s not looking. Then when you’re making love in an open field, retrieve the stone and gently press the small, smooth stone into the sensitive spot between his testicles and his anus. Guaranteed to drive him wild!”
Wait, what was I saying again? … I want to cry now.
August 14, 2012 at 10:29 am
“Small” and “smooth” cannot be overemphasized here.
August 14, 2012 at 10:33 am
Yeah, dimensions are crucial when picking out taint stones.
August 14, 2012 at 11:30 am
Taint that the case!
August 14, 2012 at 2:40 pm
“Yeah, dimensions are crucial when picking out taint stones.”
That’s definately going on a x-stitch sampler.
August 14, 2012 at 12:27 pm
Since when do women have pockets to slip a stone into?
August 14, 2012 at 6:12 pm
Small smooth stone? Bitch please. Flip his legs up and get your mouth to work.
August 15, 2012 at 12:52 am
Modern girls’ weekend away bag
1) 6 pack of condoms
2) Sexy underwear
3) Small packet of gravel
August 15, 2012 at 2:27 pm
When I was a kid (I’m in my early 40s now) I saw plenty of scantily clad Cosmo cover girls staring out at me from the checkout line magazine rack, and for the life of me I couldn’t tell whether its readership was men or women. Once I learned it was women, I was embarrassed for them.
August 14, 2012 at 10:01 am
Wow. SO glad I didn’t listen to this when I was young. I probably would have bought it hook, line, and sinker.
August 14, 2012 at 10:31 am
This was the kind of advice my mom and home ec class gave me. Somehow, it didn’t take.
August 14, 2012 at 10:02 am
Surely a professional comedian can recognize that HGB is being sarcastic when rattling off that list of things that you should be doing unless you “don’t really want a man.”
August 14, 2012 at 10:09 am
But that being said, holy fucking shit! “Why are the flat-chested girls always the sexiest?” “Because they have to be.”
August 14, 2012 at 10:21 am
I’m curious as to how you decided that particular passage was the one where she was “just kidding.”
August 14, 2012 at 10:29 am
It’s a subtle distinction, especially since everything she says is so ridiculous, but I’m dead serious about it. Play the clip again and listen for the shift in tone after she says “I’m sure you know all the obvious ways.” That’s disdain you’re hearing in her voice.
August 14, 2012 at 10:30 am
As long as we can agree that she’s deadly serious with the rest of her nonsense.
August 14, 2012 at 10:33 am
Horrifyingly, yes.
August 14, 2012 at 11:34 am
I feel the same way about certain passages in the Unabomber’s manifesto. In parts, he’s clearly just joshin’.
August 14, 2012 at 10:04 am
How did she live so long without eating?
August 14, 2012 at 10:18 am
She survived on a steady diet of self-importance.
August 14, 2012 at 12:17 pm
I love you! …now let me go and stuff some perfume drenched cotton balls in my concaveness and lets do this thing.
August 14, 2012 at 12:31 pm
Get the large size cotton balls, and I won’t know the difference.
August 14, 2012 at 10:05 am
Anybody read any of the reviews from the Amazon link? The very first one mentions how the book changed her life in the early-mid ’60s, to the point where the reviewer came to lovingly think of the author as “Aunt Helen.” Must be devastating that poor Auntie Helen has passed.
August 14, 2012 at 10:07 am
Having no boobies = poverty and destitution.
August 14, 2012 at 10:16 am
And if you don’t think poverty and destitution are sexy, you haven’t seen Paulette Goddard in Modern Times.
August 14, 2012 at 10:12 am
HGB married at the age of 37, by the way. Or, as she put it, she “married late.”
Gosh, I feel so empowered.
August 14, 2012 at 10:20 am
What’s not empowering about a self-loathing girl teaching other self-loathing girls how to be slightly less self-loathing?
August 14, 2012 at 11:27 am
My great-aunt married at 38, and her encouraging advice to me was “there’s still hope for you, dear.”
August 14, 2012 at 11:51 am
When I was 26, my older siblings (brother and sister, of an older generation…all of 12 years older) declared that I was obviously not interested in getting married and having children, since I was still single.
That was as many years ago. Still single, still childless (never wanted them).
I figure if I hit 100 and am still single, chances are I’ve decided marriage isn’t for me. But, who knows? I’m open to the idea. Maybe I’ll just shack up with a married guy. I’m such a slut.
August 14, 2012 at 12:01 pm
With the epidemic of “Viagra divorce”, there will be options well into your golden years, Mugsy Doodle.
August 14, 2012 at 12:55 pm
Matt, I think I know the perfect magazine for you to write advice columns for…it has the same name as a girly pink cocktail made popular on Sex and the City. Can you guess???
August 14, 2012 at 1:08 pm
“Assistant Crack Whore Magazine”? I dunno, their standards are pretty high…
August 14, 2012 at 1:58 pm
But the scratch and sniff cards they have in there are just nasty.
August 14, 2012 at 3:14 pm
If Matt Johnson wrote for Cosmo, I’d endure the public shame of buying an issue just to read it.
August 15, 2012 at 7:18 am
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August 14, 2012 at 10:14 am
I had to physically restrain myself from tittering every time she said “booze-um”
August 14, 2012 at 10:32 am
You chest did the breast you could.
August 14, 2012 at 10:42 am
If mammary serves me correctly, you always do your breast.
August 14, 2012 at 11:39 am
You two just bust out the comebacks
August 14, 2012 at 11:46 am
Let’s just nip this discussion in the bud, right now.
August 14, 2012 at 12:04 pm
*titter*
August 14, 2012 at 12:13 pm
Let’s just rack this up to experience and admit we’ve been a bunch of boobs.
August 14, 2012 at 12:29 pm
Well said, bra.
August 14, 2012 at 2:18 pm
Boozumey was my favorite.
August 14, 2012 at 10:14 am
If you’re in a situation that necessitates removing your wig is babbling about your baby fine hair really the best approach?
I don’t think I’ve ever heard something that made my ability to listen shut down as quickly as that bit.
Also, concave? Really?
August 14, 2012 at 10:14 am
Designer dress to lure men: $3,000
Boob job to lure men: $10,000
Wig to lure men: $200
Vibrator: $15
Getting more satisfaction out of the vibrator: Priceless
August 14, 2012 at 11:55 am
There are some things money can’t buy. For everything else, there’s Masturbcard™.
August 14, 2012 at 8:54 pm
Ahhhhhhhh. That ad struck a nerve.
It set me off. It touched my core. It was such a relief.
I stopped beating around the bush: I came screaming your name is what I’m trying to say. (Never fear, my “boozumz” make me buxom)
August 14, 2012 at 10:14 am
Also, I feel like I just watched a season 1 episode of “Mad Men”
August 14, 2012 at 10:17 am
Even Mad Men has more respect for its female characters.
August 14, 2012 at 10:22 am
She really was basically Peggy. Secretary to one of the highest paid copy writers in the country… in the early 1960′s (not one of the highest paid female copywriters … no modifying for gender)
August 14, 2012 at 3:32 pm
Well, Matt Weiner did have the women in the cast read this book so they got an idea of how women were expected to act.
August 14, 2012 at 10:16 am
And the question is: How is it ergonomically possible to safely spend long hours online without laying on one’s non-existent back?
August 14, 2012 at 10:18 am
WHEN laying on.
Also, http://www.etsy.com/search?q=Helen%20Gurley%20Brown&view_type=gallery&ship_to=ZZ&min=0&max=0
August 16, 2012 at 3:15 am
That’s why it took weeks.
August 14, 2012 at 10:16 am
and I really really need to find a USB turntable so I can digitize my record called “The Groupies”, which is interviews with groupies recorded in the early 70s.
August 14, 2012 at 10:27 am
You know one of those groupies (Cleo) was going to get married to Keith Emerson, but when he found out about that LP from an article in Time Magazine he broke it off with her.
I have a USB turntable. I got it on Amazon. Make sure you get one with a dust cover.
August 14, 2012 at 10:42 am
Oh wow! I thought I was the only one who remembers this record.
August 14, 2012 at 10:20 am
I won’t post the link, but if you search “WFMU Helen Gurley Brown” you can find all the tracks to this audio classic.
August 14, 2012 at 10:25 am
HGB was from a different era. Her books were empowering for the time. In the 60s women were considered old maids if they weren’t married before age 25. Single women who had careers were often denied raises in favor of men “who had families to take care of.” Let’s be thankful her advice sounds awful today. It shows how far we have come. HGB was a feminist for her time and catered to straight women who wanted a fulfilling work and love life as opposed to being a housewife.
August 14, 2012 at 10:37 am
And (I’ll join you here in the thumbs-down seats) at very least she acknowledged that “the single girl” was allowed to like and actively seek out sex. I agree that her works sound very dated and sexist to us now, but at the time, at least it was one small step in the right direction.
August 14, 2012 at 10:52 am
Exactly! I am actually offended by much of her advice, (in the 80′s she put out a book suggesting married men make great boyfriends) but options for women were very unfair in the early 60s. Women & Men were against the idea of a woman President because they would be “too emotional.” This was the frigging mindset at the time! These recordings serve as a reminder of that era. Good old days, my ass!
We also need to be aware of the creeps in our government who want us to go back to those times. It’s important we go to the polls and vote these clowns out.
August 14, 2012 at 11:29 am
Or not vote them in.
August 14, 2012 at 3:58 pm
In middle school (in 1970,believe it or not) I remember a (female) gym teacher that made us (gym class was not co-ed at the time) do this exercise. And while doing it, we had to chant “we must, we must, we must increase our bust”. So society even then, reinforced the idea that if you are “concave” you were to have less self worth and were somehow less valued as a woman. This is absolutely true!
August 15, 2012 at 8:52 am
I graduated high school in 1976, and will back up your story.
August 14, 2012 at 10:44 am
I was a childless married woman who was passed over for a raise/promotion because one of my male coworkers was having a baby (and yes, my boss used that justification). That guy was also the group’s pacman champion, because he spent the most time playing video games instead of working.
August 14, 2012 at 10:54 am
I’m sorry that happened to you. Absolutely disgraceful.
August 14, 2012 at 1:56 pm
Yeah, that has happened to me too. Even today, if you are a woman of a certain age (in my case 47) and you chose not to marry or have children, there is a definite stigma.
August 14, 2012 at 4:20 pm
It affects younger women too. I’m 30 in November and I get people asking me “When are you getting married? When are you having kids?” When I reply with “I’m not interested in marriage or having children,” I get looks like I’m sort of leper. Even in 2012, there’s still an expectation that you be married with 2.3 kids by a certain age.
August 14, 2012 at 4:22 pm
Yup, been there too.
August 15, 2012 at 12:18 am
Listen, if that man could manage to have a baby (I don’t even want to think about the mechanics of how he got impregnated, or how exactly he managed to birth the baby) AND be the group pacman champion, I think he pretty much deserved the promotion.
August 14, 2012 at 11:03 am
HGB was still the editor of the disgraceful Cosmopolitan magazine right up to her death, so let’s not give her too much credit. That magazine is an insult to women.
August 14, 2012 at 11:15 am
I’ll have to agree to _some_ extent. Practically every other “women’s” magazine I know of is doing its best to persuade women that they in fact yearn to follow the bimbo stereotype. Cosmopolitan is the only one to throw some effort for independence in the mix, along with occasional honest sassy entertaining advice.
August 14, 2012 at 11:40 am
In this month’s Cosmo we have:
This one’s good. Definitely pro-woman.
Ehh, neutral I guess.
Barf.
Double Barf.
_________________________________________________
I think the occasional good is still getting outweighed by the horrible.
August 14, 2012 at 11:48 am
Jegus. I had no idea this sort of tripe still existed, non-ironically anyway. It just seems so juvenile.
It’s times like these I feel strangely advantaged that, while a woman now, I didn’t have to grow up as one.
August 14, 2012 at 11:48 am
I was hoping for something like “hot dresses that come off easily in a car parked behind Sizzler”.
August 14, 2012 at 4:39 pm
Hey! I resemble that remark! I was conceived in the back seat in the parking lot of the Golden Derrick steakhouse in El Paso Texas.
I’m pretty sure my mother was wearing one of those dresses.
August 14, 2012 at 12:10 pm
I’d hate to sound like a fan of Cosmo (and much worse, like someone who’s read more than five issues), but just to stay objective I don’t recall any
“things a responsible man should have done when younger include: have sex with prostitutes”
and
“- should I ask him for this diamond ring or go for something less expensive? – you should have him treat you like the princess that you are”.
But if the bottom line is that we’re talking about a crap and harmful literary style, yes, we are.
August 14, 2012 at 2:32 pm
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August 14, 2012 at 2:41 pm
Both of my examples specifically mentioned making yourself more attractive TO MEN. That’s not me saying it, it’s Cosmo saying it.
And I wasn’t aware our society held womanizers in such high regard.
August 15, 2012 at 11:23 am
Uh, hello…Bill Clinton?
August 15, 2012 at 7:24 am
I don’t get how wanting to be hot and attractively dressed means you want to be a bimbo.
People can be hot, dress well AND be smart. And really it seems to me the bimbos already know how to dress attractively and buddy up with people, it’s the smart people that need help with that.
August 14, 2012 at 11:31 am
Bronc, she quit the job in 1997. Not taking any of the blame away from her, because she got the ball rolling.
August 14, 2012 at 11:46 am
Wikipedia say:
“In 1997, Brown was ousted from her role as the U.S. editor of Cosmopolitan and was replaced by Bonnie Fuller. However, she stayed on at Hearst publishing and remained the international editor for all 59 international editions of Cosmo until her death on August 13, 2012.”
I’m not exactly sure what that means. She was still editor for the international versions but not the domestic?
August 14, 2012 at 11:56 am
I don’t know, either. I was going by her obit in the paper this morning.
I’ll err on the side of caution and hold her responsible to the end…and beyond.
Maybe they’ll publish an issue of HGB’s Best Advice. That will be a knee-slapper.
August 15, 2012 at 5:46 pm
That’s what it means. She was the editor of Cosmo France, Cosmo UK, Cosmo Russia, Cosmo Fiji (where they would get confused by the articles about showing more cleavage)… but the home-grown schlock just has her lingering aftertaste.
August 14, 2012 at 1:24 pm
THANK YOU. I fucking hate Cosmo. It is absolutely awful, insulting, and patronizing. It’s entire message consists of, “You aren’t pretty enough, you aren’t thin enough, you aren’t doing sex right, and no one will ever love you.”
August 14, 2012 at 1:57 pm
To be honest, it is also an insult to men.
August 14, 2012 at 4:38 pm
Oh don’t think I disagree with that for a moment. I meant to say merely that the book was, at the time it was written, a small step. After that it all kinda went off the curb and took the bus to Sexistville*.
*(WAY across the county from Suffragette City)
August 14, 2012 at 7:08 pm
Cosmo’s sex tips are high comedy. Each cover promises sizzling new sex tips that will turn you into a tigress of epic proportions in the sack.
At least when I was reading them, about ninety percent of it was:
1. Touch his penis with BOTH hands! Did you know you can do that? Use both hands, and kind of swirl him. It will feel amazing! He will pass out with passion!
2. Did you know men have nipples too? Manipulate his nipples with your fingers or tongue. He will pass out with passion!
3. Get on top of him. We’re sure you’ve never done THIS one before! He will…you know the rest.
4. Ice. For some reason, Cosmo sex tips had/have a peculiar fascination with the sexual uses of ice. I think it’s a thing that seems vaguely kinky, and can be recycled in a variety of ways, but won’t offend anyone enough to cancel their subscription. Most of the ice tips sounded dire. Put an ice cube in your mouth and go down on him! Put ice on his nipples! Put ice on your nipples! He will…
August 14, 2012 at 7:58 pm
Ooooh! I know this! He will ask you if you’re fucking crazy! No, wait. Pass out with Passion?
August 14, 2012 at 8:16 pm
One of my favorites was actually that before you got busy, you should harden up your nipples with ice. Seeing those hard nipples would drive him mad with passion.
The problem, as my nineteen-year-old mind saw it was, first, he wouldn’t be motivated to get you in the mood if it looked like you were already hot to trot, and secondly, at some point, he was gonna come into contact with your nipples. Your ice-cold, iced-down nipples.
Yessss. Embrace this hot man. Hear him scream as your chilly gems press into his unsuspecting man-flesh. Watch him lose his erection in shock.
Sexxxxxy.
August 16, 2012 at 3:22 am
Your 19-year-old mind was wise beyond its years.
August 14, 2012 at 9:14 pm
It only took me like two articles of magazine sex tips to realise they were all the same banal non-advice. And that was as a teenage virgin. I do have to laugh at these magazines encouraging women to be so sexy and yet refusing to publish anything truly sexual at all.
August 16, 2012 at 7:12 am
Oh Cosmo isn’t so bad. Especially if you want sex tips such as “bite his scrotum”. Cosmo advice guarantees that 1. you put a man in the hospital & 2. no man will ever sleep with you again. Also, great for psychotic relationship advice. For example, did you know that if you’re dating a man and he wants to have more sex with you, he’s totally cheating on you? And your response to his asking for more sex should be: “Challenge him to a naked wrestling match and whip out your signature move, the Ten-Fingered Ball-Crusher.”? You might get in some legal trouble, but you’ll be sure to get a lesser sentence by snagging that insanity deal.
August 14, 2012 at 5:06 pm
HGB said what needed to be said at the time; her encouraging women to be in charge of their own careers AND sexualities was revolutionary at the time. Sadly, she never really moved much past that, and her magazine slowly became irrelevant and retrograde. I remember reading that Cosmo was failing when she took over but she managed to turn it around; I could be wrong, though.
A friend interviewed her back in the 90s and said she was a lot of fun…still, something a little off about her.
August 15, 2012 at 5:50 pm
When she took it over, it had gone from a smart literary magazine like “The New Yorker” to a suburban housewife’s grocery store checkout grab like “Redbook” and “McCall’s.”
(The “hire a ballsy woman to update your magazine” technique didn’t work for “McCall’s.”)
August 14, 2012 at 10:27 am
The first half sounded almost like it was a parody of Cosmo advice. Then things just got weird with all the guts and face staring.
August 14, 2012 at 10:28 am
Listen, I have to fight my fat ass to brush my hair and put on clean pants some days. If I had to work that hard to find a man, I would just give up and start selling pot to stressed out bewigged married women. If they have to work so hard to find a man and not look plain, I would have been loaded. Thank God I can get by on my charm now.
August 14, 2012 at 10:32 am
Whoa Whoa Whoa! “Plunge in up to your armpits!” Damn I’ve been doing it wrong all this time!
August 14, 2012 at 3:37 pm
Just reading the quote out of context can make it sound like instructions for an equine middwife.
August 14, 2012 at 4:23 pm
Reminds me of a joke:
What do you call a guy with his hand up a horse’s ass?
An Amish mechanic.
August 14, 2012 at 4:59 pm
Goatse: yer doing it wrong.
August 14, 2012 at 10:34 am
Am I interpreting this right? It’s sounding like she’s saying that the best thing “plain girls” have going for them is their desperation. It’s like how my grandparents used to joke around about ugly people being better in bed “because they try harder”, only less funny.
I had a hard time getting through that. What helped was imagining Gloria Steinem sitting across the table from her as she read/said this passage, listening and nodding and trying not to burst out laughing.
August 14, 2012 at 10:44 am
That’s exactly what she was saying.
August 14, 2012 at 2:01 pm
Yes. Desperation is totally hottt…that is why being a stalker is a 100% guaranteed way to end up dating a celebrity.
August 14, 2012 at 10:43 am
Hmmm she isn’t actually saying that women need men to be successful, the book is more like “Make your own money and get laid.”
This isn’t “The Rules” about how to trick a guy into marrying you, it is rather about how to find a dude to fuck, ’cause fuckin’ is awesome.
If anyone honestly thinks they can get laid with out first getting someone attracted to them, I have bad news, you are kinda rape-y.
Sex and the Single Girl is straight up how to get a hot dog in your bun.
August 15, 2012 at 7:30 am
But don’t you know that implying women need advice on how to do that is insulting?! All smart women know how to do it instinctively! /s
August 14, 2012 at 10:45 am
ZOMG!!!
Ugh, … since being unemployed, I’ve been trying to go to the gym on a regular basis. Well, this morning, I didn’t feel like it. Ehh, perhaps because of boredom?
Well, staying home kinda worked out. After reading this, I got a callback from a cosmetic manufacturer for a formulation chemist position!
If I get this job, I think I’m gonna name my first born after her.
August 14, 2012 at 11:10 am
So, other than getting the one call back after checking out a website for cosmetic manufactures in SoCal, I now have spam: copiers, divorce attorneys, bras, and health insurance.
It’s as if Helen Gurley Brown is still with us:
to multiply, divide, add to our self-worth by being supportive of ourselves, and take away anything that makes us less desirable.
August 14, 2012 at 10:59 am
“Smells” Like Teen Spirit, unless you actually have a cover called “Feels Like Teen Spirit,” which would be kind of awesome.
August 14, 2012 at 11:18 am
Oops.
August 14, 2012 at 11:22 am
Rest assured that HGB carries on via my next-door neighbor, a man over 70.
Among the things he’s said to me:
Clearly you don’t care about attracting a man, the way you dress.
Most women want to do things that attract men, but not you.
You’re all muscle. Women aren’t supposed to sweat.
Maybe you made your ex boyfriend gay.
You swear like a sailor.
And I’ve got boobs! And am roughly symmetrical! I just don’t care to loathe myself.
August 14, 2012 at 11:36 am
He just prefers his doxies with gams up to here, see.
August 14, 2012 at 11:45 am
Gee whiz…what’s it gonna take for this guy to offer you a cold glass of Moxie? Maybe you should offer to darn some of his socks, or offer him some windowsill pie.
August 14, 2012 at 11:51 am
Um, is windowsill pie a euphemism?
August 14, 2012 at 11:55 am
It CAN be, melagrana. Do you want it to be?
August 14, 2012 at 11:59 am
Uh…kind of.
Certainly more than I want to collect smooth stones in my pockets.
August 14, 2012 at 12:17 pm
Yeah- that’s a pretty weird “event” to plan ahead and collect items for.
August 14, 2012 at 12:33 pm
Gee whiz, an’ I was gonna settle for stoop muffin! Well ain’t that just like a dame!
August 14, 2012 at 1:16 pm
Windowsill pie is a keeper, for sure.
August 15, 2012 at 9:37 am
Windowsill Pie was playing at Altamont right before the Hell’s Angels turned the Rolling Stones into the Taint Stones.
August 14, 2012 at 11:37 am
Clearly you don’t care about attracting HIM—he, who doesn’t like a woman to have muscles (but she shouldn’t be fat), to sweat, to dress unappealingly (does that translate to “slutty”?), and who never, ever lets a swear word stronger than “Gosh darn it!” pass her lips.
Oh, and a woman who doesn’t “make” her boyfriend gay.
Does he show disapproval when you speak without being spoken to?
August 14, 2012 at 11:49 am
Ah yes, expressing opinions is another clue that I don’t care about attracting a man. And sadly, it’s that I don’t dress slutty enough that’s apparently my problem.
But interestingly enough, there’s never a problem with me when I trim his street trees…
August 14, 2012 at 11:57 am
Is “trim his street trees” a euphemism?
August 14, 2012 at 12:00 pm
I think you need to ask yourself that question, Matt. Over a nice piece of windowsill pie.
August 14, 2012 at 5:02 pm
Or constantly try to run off with your shoes?
August 14, 2012 at 9:00 pm
That’s quite creepy. The only man who told me that I would “never get a man or get married” was also a sexual predator of younger girls. It’s hard for me to separate the two aspects in my mind now.
August 15, 2012 at 12:38 am
before i met my husband i got all kinds of advice like this. including a friend’s mom who told me “get church slutty on sunday. not really slutty, but just show a little more. then hit on the children’s pastor.”
August 15, 2012 at 3:53 pm
O_0
August 15, 2012 at 5:55 pm
A friend who was a part-time pastor told me that the ladies who sat in the front row of his church wore no underwear. And made sure he knew it.
The man was married and looked like James Coco and Dom Deluise got into a fight and the loser was eaten. I don’t get it.
August 14, 2012 at 12:00 pm
Yeah, that “take the wig off” moment can be pretty scary. Especially if it’s a crossdresser dressed like a drag queen who stopped by your apartment with all the wrong ideas…long story. I think the hair-net thing (I have no idea what it is or is called, being blessed with no balding issues myself) is probably the weirdest part, so she’s probably right in her advice to do it away from view.
But the rest? Cover yourself in perfume? Put cotton balls soaked in perfume between your tits? Holy fucking christwagons. I cannot stand perfume and cologne. A hint of it when you get close to someone is acceptable, but that’s it. I can’t imagine my reaction is uncommon, either.
August 14, 2012 at 12:13 pm
We love long stories.
August 14, 2012 at 12:57 pm
“Especially if it’s a crossdresser dressed like a drag queen who stopped by your apartment with all the wrong ideas”
If I had a nickel for every time that happened…
August 15, 2012 at 9:05 am
I don’t like perfume, either, so I used vanilla. And I met/married a man who bakes cookies. Coincidence? I think not.
He also bakes bread…
August 14, 2012 at 12:07 pm
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August 14, 2012 at 1:52 pm
Women didn’t have irony in 1962.
August 14, 2012 at 2:02 pm
It took too much time away from ironing.
August 14, 2012 at 12:08 pm
I have to post again because I have some interesting scientific tidbits…
1) Numerous studies confirm people are attracted to others of similar attractiveness (based mainly on the society’s view of what constitutes attractive). It’s not always easier for “gorgeous” girls to get a date, because average-looking guys are often afraid to approach.
2) Everybody’s somebody’s fetish. Period. I’ve seen online groups that clop to the ugliest women they can find, because they like them that way. Just browse the Internet to confirm.
3) Based on numerous not-really-peer-reviewed studies undertaken by yours truly in a younger, stupider time, I can confirm that generally speaking, average-looking people are the best in bed. People who are too attractive or too ugly are more likely to be self-conscious, which ruins sex. You need to be comfy with yourself first.
August 14, 2012 at 5:01 pm
According to YouTube, there’s a whole group of people out there who don’t care how you look just so long as you can fit yourself into a weather balloon and pop it. Bet HGB didn’t see that one coming!
August 14, 2012 at 12:35 pm
They announced HGB’s passing on the news this morning and referred to her as a “feminist icon”. Pretty sure that falls squarely in the category of ‘You keep using that word; I don’t think you know what it means.’
August 14, 2012 at 6:35 pm
Same people who view the cast of SEX IN THE CITY as “feminist icons” and have never heard of folks like Margaret Sanger, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, and Amelia Bloomer. A lady I knew was astonished when I told her that once upon a time a married woman had no rights to her own earnings or inheritances; it all became the property of her husband and that didn’t start to change until the 1840s.
Of course, our view of early feminists can be mixed, because many were also involved in the “temperance” movement. Votes for women, I’m good with, but don’t get between me and my booze.
August 15, 2012 at 12:00 am
I have to disagree. Whereas she said a lot of crazy stuff like the clip above, she was also one of the first women to speak out about sex positive attitudes for women. That is something, and for the time she said it, something very big. While maybe not the greatest of feminists, she definitely had some strong feminist ideals, especially later in her life.
As for “I don’t think you know what it means” about feminism, a lot of “feminists” don’t know what the word means. A HUGE part of feminism is staying away from sex shaming and judging women based on their looks, but I see a whole lot of that going on here in these forums, even by people in this thread. Ripping HGB’s feminist ideals apart based on her looks doesn’t make anyone a better feminist.
August 15, 2012 at 12:02 am
Also, I despise what Cosmo spouts just as much as any militant feminist, In today’s society nothing in it should ever be considered relevant, but for the 60′s, it was ground breaking and did have a place.
August 15, 2012 at 12:23 am
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August 15, 2012 at 8:42 pm
No, sorry, I don’t judge other women based on their appearance. I come to regretsy to get a kick out of the wacky shit people try to sell on Etsyand to support the community of artisans doing work for charity.
Judging women based on their appearance is not human nature, it’s a shitty attitude built into our society that I actively try to fight and argue with people.
I AM a militant feminist. I wear that moniker with pride. I am not trying to shame anyone, but I WILL question the attitudes and beliefs of anyone who feels the need to beat down and try to debase a woman based on how she looks or her sexual activity. ESPECIALLY when the people throwing out those ideas are people questioning someone else’s views on feminism.
August 14, 2012 at 12:57 pm
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August 14, 2012 at 2:00 pm
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August 14, 2012 at 5:03 pm
Just because misogynist views weren’t as misogynist in another era doesn’t make them any less misogynist.
August 14, 2012 at 9:30 pm
That guy is a THE most hideous dickwad. And he had NO problem acting like that for all the world to see. I remember seeing crap like that on TV occasionally, as a child, and judging it exactly for what it was; a big fat asshole on the loose.
Times really have changed, tho they still let idiots have air time.
August 15, 2012 at 5:15 pm
A good example of a man who feels threatened by female sexuality. Unfortunately, they still exist.
August 14, 2012 at 2:02 pm
August 14, 2012 at 2:04 pm
OK, I agree with you here but I’m still iffy on the other ones.
August 14, 2012 at 2:05 pm
This is your best comment yet.
August 14, 2012 at 2:12 pm
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August 14, 2012 at 3:49 pm
Chevrox, calling HGB a “fabulous woman” because you learned how to give a blow job from reading an article in Cosmo is like saying Cavemen was a good show because you liked the commercials.
The philosophy espoused in that magazine was toxic to women then, and toxic now. Most women’s magazines are dangerous and depressing, but Cosmo deserves a special place on the bonfire.
August 14, 2012 at 5:59 pm
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August 15, 2012 at 9:31 am
I despise the phrase “let’s agree to disagree.” There’s no agreement involved. It’s a cupcakey don’t-offend-anyone passive aggressive statement so the speaker comes off as being the one who is reasonable and rational, thereby implying that the listener is not.
August 18, 2012 at 12:47 pm
Since semantics is what you choose to focus on, you know what, you’re absolutely right, because I do believe that the criticism leveled against HGB here fails to take into account of the historical environment in which her views were formed, and that some concurring opinions I see here involve little critical thinking that goes beyond learned cliche while the rest are sycophant remarks that could easily surpass what you see on the Etsy forum. And there you have it, the very sentiment that you have so aptly described while I uttered this apparently despicable phrase.
August 14, 2012 at 1:01 pm
I dont think she got a man because she put perfumed cotton balls in her bra ,or became more attractive in her wig, cause obviously if she was going somewhere to take off her wig she was putting out, and I find generally that works evrytime..plain or not.
August 14, 2012 at 1:12 pm
Is that how you got the name “craftymama”?
August 14, 2012 at 1:07 pm
oh and is guts a euphemism for vagina?
August 14, 2012 at 1:36 pm
I think what I got from the clip was… and I’m paraphrasing here of course – If you want to get a man and you’re not a looker, learn how to give amazing blow jobs. A man will forgive a horseface if you can give amazing blow jobs.
August 14, 2012 at 1:54 pm
And ride his thought waves like an alert eel. Don’t leave that out.
August 14, 2012 at 2:14 pm
I’m uncomfortable with the “lady as electric eel” metaphor but those were different times.
August 14, 2012 at 2:36 pm
As an aside:
An alert eel? As someone up to her neck in aquariums, I can tell you that eels are crevice-dwelling, lazy, irritating motherfuckers. Sort of like penises, except with teeth.
August 14, 2012 at 2:52 pm
*even more uncomfortable*
*also wondering if “electric” was in the recording or I just imagined it*
August 14, 2012 at 3:21 pm
Eels = penises. See? Blow jobs. It’s all about the blow jobs.
Now I have Electric Feel in my head – http://youtu.be/MmZexg8sxyk – I like the video for this version because it looks like it’s sung by Pippin & Merry.
August 14, 2012 at 3:39 pm
Alert dolphin then, perhaps?
August 15, 2012 at 9:33 am
Dolphins are always “alert” and you should always watch them. Sneaky little rapists of the sea and I don’t mean that they rape the sea, although if they could, we all know they would. Bastards.
August 14, 2012 at 3:51 pm
Ahhhggh! A penis with teeth? I’m out of that game, unless it can do something useful like work a Dustbuster or entertaining like karaoke.
August 14, 2012 at 3:57 pm
“Penis with teeth” immediately makes me think of the recently-discovered Amazonian penis snake.
August 15, 2012 at 9:15 am
It made me flashback to the “Dune” movies. Not the books, just the movies.
August 15, 2012 at 5:19 pm
but they are delicious in sushi.
August 14, 2012 at 2:10 pm
I kind of liked the part where we are advised to stare at his face like he’s a snake charmer. Try staring at your significant other’s face like that and I guarantee they will become uncomfortable. I’m going to try it with some of my co-workers as an experiment. Also…how am I going to manage to fit my motorcycle helmet on over my wig?
Oh, I’ll just put the helmet on first and THEN the wig.
August 14, 2012 at 4:35 pm
No, that’s one of the lame, mainstream, “obvious” ways for plain girls to get guys, as opposed to HGB’s new, empowering ways, such as thinking about your non-beautiful features as weirdly appealing to some.
August 14, 2012 at 5:05 pm
I wondered about that part too. Does a man find it attractive when a woman has a “worried about cobra bites” look on her face? Or is it the way she’s kind of sidling around in order to get a good view, but without risking cobra bites?
August 15, 2012 at 5:29 pm
well, snake charmers avoid getting bitten because they’re always moving, which is why the snake ends up swaying back and forth (it’s trying to get a lock on the guy to strike, but can’t). So… I guess… us plain girls are supposed to duck and weave like a boxer while we’re on a date?
At least, according to HGB I’m plain, because I’m not “boozumey”. Though, I wouldn’t describe myself as “concave”. I think that refers more to a woman who’s had double-mastectomy surgery.
August 14, 2012 at 2:13 pm
I still prefer HGB’s way of getting a man to that girl who got me by putting ether-soaked cotton balls in her bra and offering me a “motorboat ride”. That was a sneaky trick and I miss that kidney more and more every day.
August 14, 2012 at 3:56 pm
Oh man, you fell for that old ruse?
August 14, 2012 at 9:58 pm
The size of her ice-filled “beer cooler” and lack of beer in it should have alerted me.
August 14, 2012 at 2:23 pm
Remember, Uglies, you have an advantage because you are DESPERATE!
August 14, 2012 at 5:02 pm
The weirdest bit is the sudden nugget of racism in the middle. She’s rambling along and all of a sudden it’s “Those poor Mexican boys who have to fight bulls because they have no football fields or jobs in Mexico.” Which I guess was like how plain women have to try extra hard because they have no other options?
August 14, 2012 at 5:06 pm
So if the plain women are the Mexican boys, then are the bulls the beautiful women or the men? She lost me with that one. Then again, it’s been a while since I’ve dated.
August 14, 2012 at 5:33 pm
Also… isn’t it in Spain, not Mexico, where they fight bulls? I admit I’m not read up on this sort of thing.
August 14, 2012 at 7:20 pm
They also have bullfighting in Mexico, but I don’t think it’s a desperation job. I always had the idea it was kind of hard to get in if you didn’t have family connections, or some sort of entree.
Did HGB consider that perhaps the flat-chested girls and the poor Mexican bullfighters could get together? I mean, with all that desperation, that would have been some AWESOME sex.
August 14, 2012 at 8:05 pm
Olé, baby.
August 14, 2012 at 5:05 pm
Ok I will seriously pay you to record the whole album. She has the kind of voice that puts me to sleep, and it’s also really funny in a terrible way.
August 14, 2012 at 5:47 pm
As an un-bosmy woman, I got my man the old-fashioned way. I waited, alert as an eel, for the right moment. Then I looked deeply into his eyes and mesmerized him with my cobra-like stare, knocked him out with a blackjack made of breast implants, wrapped him up in a matador’s cape and took him home, where I extraordinary rendition-ed him with dreamy, perfume-soaked cotton until he confessed his loved for me. And we lived happily ever after.
August 14, 2012 at 6:34 pm
How did I ever get married with out a moist cotton-ball of perfume fuming up my cleavage?
August 14, 2012 at 7:32 pm
I’m a little confused at all the hate for her. Does no one remember that she was one of the first women to come out publicly and say it was okay for single girls to be single and have sex?
August 14, 2012 at 8:07 pm
Yes, others do, and we discussed it above.
August 15, 2012 at 6:30 am
Yes, I saw yours up there–I was just overwhelmed at the massive disparity.
My sister was a great follower of hers and taught me the cotton ball trick.
August 14, 2012 at 8:21 pm
B. F. D.
That’s like saying that because a hard-core creationist comes out in support of gay marriage, we shouldn’t blame them for the rest of the bullshit (No evolution, Earth 4000 yrs old, etc.) that comes out of their mouths.
August 15, 2012 at 9:36 am
The Earth is 6,000 years old. I don’t know where you get your “facts” from!
August 16, 2012 at 7:54 pm
Hey man if A creationist supports gay marriage I WOULD like them more! At least believing the world is only 6000 years old doesn’t affect anyone negatively, it’s just fucked up.
August 14, 2012 at 8:39 pm
Lord, I could never hate her. She was a wonderful woman who lived her life the way she wanted, and gave other people permission to have fun.
It’s just…the early 60s have not aged well in terms of their ideas about women. And God, Cosmo in my lifetime (I was born eleven years after Sex and the Single Girl came out) has been a joke from hell.
August 14, 2012 at 7:58 pm
Finally, I’ve found what I want on my tombstone:
Be as alert as an eel.
August 14, 2012 at 8:06 pm
Source.
August 14, 2012 at 8:40 pm
I can’t listen to that. I am going to heave.
August 14, 2012 at 11:32 pm
Wow. That was fucked up.
Quoth The Fella- “That woman is seriously neurotic.”
August 15, 2012 at 4:33 am
Plain girl power? Skitterish and fidgety? Do I get a cookie for listening to the whole clip?
August 15, 2012 at 8:33 am
I’m plain. I caught my husband by being easy.
August 15, 2012 at 9:37 am
Annnd smelling like vanilla. Don’t forget that little trick!
August 15, 2012 at 11:28 am
i had to turn it off, its good to see though that we have changed a bit in our views since then. even though there is always ways to improve,
she is dead let er rest in peace
August 15, 2012 at 2:54 pm
Shit. Nobody will see this, but it’s too perfect not to post…
I promise this is relevant.
August 19, 2012 at 12:30 pm
Gotta love the early 1960s. Listening to this happy horseshit was like watching a “behind the episode” video from season 1 of Mad Men. Some truly terrifying stuff here.
August 19, 2012 at 1:58 pm
April, you have Vincent Price cooking records?!? I am soooo jealous!