SUNDAY BONUS: Food Pron
This post first appeared on Regretsy in September of 2011
It started on the way to a Superbowl party.
We were driving along, talking about donuts, which is not unusual for us.
Specifically, we were talking about the burger that the Gateway Grizzlies were selling at their games, and how magical it all seemed. Bacon, cheese and charbroiled beef, lovingly piled on a Krispy Kreme donut.
I don’t know how long we talked about it before it finally sunk in:
If donuts can be used as hamburger buns, then they’re basically bread. And if donuts are bread… shouldn’t someone be making French toast with them?
That’s what I thought.
So on Sunday, I announced that we would be making Donut French Toast, simultaneously expanding our horizons and constricting our arteries.
Of course, we had no idea if this would work. We tried to imagine which varieties would behave the most like bread under French Toast conditions, but the whole thing was a crap shoot. So to insure breakfast success, Bronc came home from the supermarket with an assortment, and we would try them all.
Well, not all of them.
As you can see, there are already some missing from the package. But in my defense, you really have to keep your energy up when you’re working this hard, and donuts and coffee are nature’s crank.
With my blood pressure pleasantly elevated , I moved on to crafting the egg mixture. We were already making pancakes (well, you have to have a back up), so I thought it might be a good idea to add a little batter to the eggs, just to make sure we had a good, thick coating.
Bronc wasn’t sold on the wisdom of this idea, but I feel very strongly that pancake batter is the grout of good cooking. Almost everything benefits from being doused in Bisquick, and I think you know I’m right.
Cutting the donuts in half was harder than it would seem. The glazed ones held up all right, by the smaller, cake donuts crumbled pretty easily, resulting in several that had to be eaten immediately.
Now it was time to soak the donut halves in eggs. This took longer than I imagined, since the sugar glaze had a sort of Scotchguard effect, making the donuts moisture resistant. In fact, I heard somewhere that Rachael Ray rubs glazed donuts on her face to keep her make-up from running under the hot lights.
True story.
I fired up my beloved little grill, and waited for it to get as hot as possible. Then I dumped a teaspoon of butter onto the griddle for each donut half, and watched as it bubbled up through the holes. I LIKE WHERE THIS IS GOING
Now came the moment of truth. Would they brown? Would they cook at all? Or would it all just be a gummy mess on the other side?
Yes, they cooked all right. They got hot and so did I.
I took them off the griddle and put them on a wire rack to stay warm in the oven. We stood and looked at them lovingly, much like a young couple gazes at their first child. Except these offspring will never disappoint you, and you don’t have to put them through college.
When the bacon and eggs and sausage were ready, we stacked the French Toast Donuts like pancakes and poured maple syrup on them. We even put a little reduced fat Redi-Wip on top, just to keep it healthy.
We tried to come up with names for our new creation. I liked “Heart Attackies” or “Plaquers”, or even, “Acute Anginers”, but Bronc thought that was focusing on the negative, and you know, that is just not my way.
In the end, they were too sweet, too buttery, too greasy, too fattening, and too much of everything to make it a rational exercise. We didn’t feel well afterward, and it took days for our bodies to process it all.
So we’ll be making them again. But with fritters.
August 12, 2012 at 10:17 am
I have a recipe for bread pudding made with bourbon, Krispy Kreme glazed doughnuts, and a Deentastic amount of butter, but I’ve never made it because I don’t want to die young.
August 12, 2012 at 10:38 am
We sometimes make bread pudding with old cinnamon rolls and candied pecans.
August 12, 2012 at 11:20 am
omg. After having had skittles for breakfast, I feel the need to go get donuts, cinnamon rolls, and french toast…followed by rolling like a beach ball on the treadmill.
August 12, 2012 at 2:04 pm
When I’m feeling domestic and in the mood to gain a little weight, my breakfast is waffles with a bourbon caramel pecan sauce and bourbon whipped cream. Then I like to go back to bed, because I’m really full and kind of tipsy.
August 12, 2012 at 2:39 pm
I’m going to need that recipe. No, really.
August 12, 2012 at 3:17 pm
agreed there. I love bourbon.
August 12, 2012 at 3:17 pm
Same here. It’s one of the few ways you can rationalize getting drunk in the morning.
August 12, 2012 at 11:05 pm
Morning drinking is perfectly acceptable when it’s champagne so why should bourbon be frowned upon? You do what you have to.
August 13, 2012 at 12:17 pm
I just heat a handful of brown sugar in a heavy-bottomed (snicker) saucepan, stir in enough heavy cream to make it melty, then cook over medium-low heat until it’s bubbling and thickened. Then I take it off the heat, stir until it’s cooled slightly, and add bourbon and chopped toasted pecans. For the whipped cream, add 1Tbs. bourbon and a pinch of sugar for every 1/4 cup of heavy cream you’re going to whip. Pour over waffle. Consume.
People who aren’t me would probably add bacon, but I have made them with slices bananas to pretend there’s something healthy going on. I’ve also made them with vanilla ice cream added into the mix as a dessert. Oh sweet snackcake Jesus, it was delicious.
August 12, 2012 at 3:36 pm
I can only assume that you keep your girlish figure with Regretsy; that is, most of the creations on here are just vomit-inducing enough to balance out.
August 12, 2012 at 10:42 am
We’re lazy around our house and skip the batter. We just plop the Krispy Kremes unadorned in a frying pan with a little butter. Sometimes I love being from the South. It gives us a good excuse to fry our foods not once, but twice with no guilt.
August 12, 2012 at 11:47 am
Speaking of artery clogging amounts of butter… Chocolate short bread+dark chocolate glaze mmmm
August 12, 2012 at 11:07 pm
See I’m not eating carbs these days so there is precious little I can put my beloved butter on. But low carb cake toasted with melting butter is a recent, and happy, discovery in my house.
August 12, 2012 at 8:38 pm
I’ve never actually had bread pudding. Clearly this is a situation I must rectify at the earliest possible opportunity.
August 12, 2012 at 10:28 am
I’ve just been diagnosed with gestational diabetes. So I have to ask you people: what are you doing showing me this? WHY are you trying to make my innocent unborn child the size of a Thanksgiving turkey? Don’t you care about the BABEEEEZ?
Sheesh. People these days.
August 12, 2012 at 10:39 am
I have a picture somewhere of my then newborn (now 7 year old) in his swing next to the table with the Thanksgiving turkey. They weighed within an ounce of each other. No lie.
August 12, 2012 at 10:48 am
“Seven pounds six ounces! I said, SEVEN POUNDS, SIX OUNCES!”
“Is that baby, or a torkey?”
“Er? A baby.”
“That’s a good-sized baby.”
“Yes, she is!”
“It’d be a small torkey.”
August 12, 2012 at 10:37 am
That’s some tantalizing pron.
August 12, 2012 at 10:40 am
I have a homemade pasta and meatball recipe that calls for browning the meat with a bit of butter and red wine and using the same saute pan to make the sauce to intensify the flavor. However, on occasion I would forget to drain the excess fat before starting in with the vegetables, etc., thereby creating what could only be called a heavy sauce. After one such incapacitating meal served to friends, one of the attendees went out and bought me a custom kitchen apron. It said:
“I don’t want to live forever!”
August 12, 2012 at 11:22 am
Yea, my mother’s famous spaghetti sauce has bacon in it. Seriously. My friends line outside my door when I make it.
August 12, 2012 at 10:55 am
I think I know what I’m gonna make for the church group meeting at my house next Sunday. Let’s see, that takes care of gluttony, now how to incorporate the other 6 deadly sins?
August 12, 2012 at 11:19 am
What do you think the hole in the donut is for?
August 12, 2012 at 12:08 pm
If you don’t score some sloth after those two you aren’t part of our demographic.
August 12, 2012 at 3:19 pm
Also, envy for the people who don’t get any.
August 12, 2012 at 5:20 pm
And the pride if I pull this off. And the greed as we fight over the last one.
Sorted!
August 12, 2012 at 10:03 pm
You missed one and that pisses me to no end, goddamit!
August 13, 2012 at 4:42 am
Whelp! There’s the wrath!
August 13, 2012 at 8:28 am
Did you just summarize Se7en in on sentence?
August 12, 2012 at 4:12 pm
You could be proud of helping your fellow church members get to heaven just a little bit sooner?
August 12, 2012 at 11:41 am
Next time, try this State Fair Favorite: After cutting them in half, put bacon between the halves, fuse them together by dipping them in batter, and deep fry them to make a Monte Crisco Breakfast Sandwich. Then save me a spot in Hell next to the Brimstone Fondue for me. THANX!
August 12, 2012 at 12:11 pm
Bacon: Making things better since the invention of pigs, sharp-edged rocks and fire.
August 12, 2012 at 12:58 pm
D’oh! And smokehouses.
August 12, 2012 at 11:58 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
August 12, 2012 at 12:22 pm
I’ll be in my bunk.
August 12, 2012 at 12:25 pm
Thanks, my eyes are a little fatter now.
August 12, 2012 at 12:32 pm
Last weekend, my fiance and I made toaster strudel sandwiches (his was blueberry, mine cinnamon) with big globs of homemade cream cheese frosting inside.
I’m thinking that next I might try sandwiching some apple ones together with bacon and cheese inside. Or deep frying them.
(Side note: I wonder if you can make French toast with toaster strudel?)
August 12, 2012 at 1:22 pm
Those almost look like deep-fried poptarts. (Vintage 1960′s)
August 12, 2012 at 12:56 pm
Great idea! Do it and take lots of pictures. I need to see lots of pictures…
August 12, 2012 at 12:59 pm
This was meant for Rushgirl’ s comment above
August 12, 2012 at 1:05 pm
As long as it wasn’t meant for my comment, below.
August 12, 2012 at 1:04 pm
I’m sure that would make me assplode and I don’t even have a Spanish accent!
August 12, 2012 at 1:25 pm
I have been an avid reader of this blog for ages, but this was the post that compelled me to register and comment. My user name inspired by it.Sheer Brilliance. I live on an island in Canada, our closest Krispy Cream is an hour and a half boat ride and a 2 hour drive. I think it might be worth it.
August 12, 2012 at 2:14 pm
Welcome, and may Regretsy inspire many of your future decisions and actions! Naw – you gotta apply critical thought to any advise from these fuckers.
August 13, 2012 at 1:17 pm
Which reminds me…which one of you fuckers was in Target in Ithaca, NY a couple weeks ago? There were boxes of Kleenex with letters of the alphabet on them, and they had been moved to spell C*NT. I KNOW it was one of you, and whoever you are, you made my day!
August 13, 2012 at 4:14 pm
Well, it wasn’t me. Not only am I in NC, but I always rearrange letters to spell FART. I’m really surprised Michaels & AC Moore haven’t banned me for life yet.
August 12, 2012 at 3:10 pm
Salt Spring Island, by any chance?
August 12, 2012 at 8:47 pm
Nope, but close. Van Island
August 12, 2012 at 10:51 pm
Wasn’t David Lee Roth in that?
August 12, 2012 at 5:59 pm
Nah, just use Tim Hortons, it will still be amazing. Or appalling, depending on your health outlook.
August 12, 2012 at 8:47 pm
Timmys would work…maybe a Canadian Maple?
August 12, 2012 at 6:16 pm
Those aren’t Krispy Kremes in the picture. They’re from the supermarket.
August 13, 2012 at 1:46 pm
You can buy Krispy Kremes in the supermarket. At least here in GA you can.
August 19, 2012 at 9:16 am
Not here in the healthnut state of NY…
August 12, 2012 at 2:18 pm
Is that your pancreas I can hear screaming?
August 12, 2012 at 2:37 pm
Nah, those are her arteries. The pancreas committed suicide.
August 12, 2012 at 2:49 pm
Not to be too graphic, but I heard it was so bad that for now all she has is a ;
August 12, 2012 at 3:19 pm
LOL Took me a second to get it. Well done, Zippy.
August 12, 2012 at 3:22 pm
*slow clap*
August 13, 2012 at 12:20 pm
A friend of mine’s husband survived what was summed up in translation by the German doctor as ‘suicidal pancreas’. After the shock of his nearly dying wore off, they joked it would make a great band name.
August 12, 2012 at 3:57 pm
To offset the sweetness I would suggest serving the donuts with unsweetened whipped cream and black coffee.
August 12, 2012 at 3:57 pm
Back in high school I had a friend come over who was stoned and hungry.
I convinced her to have a tuna sandwich on waffles, telling her I made it all the time (if you can’t lie to and goof on a stoned person, who can you do it to?)
She said it was the best tuna sandwich she ever had, and I could tell she meant it and that it wasn’t just the munchies talking. I made one for myself and it was true.
I’m looking forward to trying doughnut french toast. After that, if I can still fit out the doorway, I’m gonna get some old fashioned crullers and make bread pudding with it.
August 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm
Wonder how epic it would be if you used a baked french toast recipe- one that has you soak overnight, that way the glaze can be permeated somewhat. That does take out the satisfaction of frying, but on the other hand, you still have bacon for that. http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/baked-french-toast-casserole-recipe/index.html
If anyone does this, I’d like a full report
August 12, 2012 at 4:44 pm
This is the post that inspired me to make french toast with fresh pancakes. Thank you, Ms. Killer.
August 12, 2012 at 6:07 pm
Out of all the fuckery Regretsy has featured – including men pooing paint or shooting paint out their eye sockets – this is the one that has made me and my husband gag.
August 12, 2012 at 7:08 pm
i have never loved you more.
August 12, 2012 at 8:31 pm
Mmm….may have to try that some time. I usually just fry my french toast in bacon fat. The best part is (besides the bacon, I mean), I can make a boat-load of it, and it reheats really well in the toaster :q’
August 13, 2012 at 8:24 am
A classic.
August 13, 2012 at 9:37 am
I have recently been informed you can make french toast out of cookies, specifically chocolate chip cookies.
I haven’t tried it yet, but I thought I’d share
August 14, 2012 at 6:30 pm
I made this for dinner one night for my fiance and myself after finding the original Club Fuckery post of it. It took a while to do, and was the most delicious thing ever. One thing I’ve always not liked about regular French toast is that the texture of the bread becomes, well gross and soggy to me. But with the doughnuts it’s a great combination of chewy and crispy. That was with glazed doughnuts of a slightly firmer type, and putting them in my oven’s warming drawer on racks after cooking. I used Good Housekeeping’s generic ‘French toast’ recipe for the egg mix and cooking time.
TL;DR: Try It! It’s worth it! Even the hospital bills.