This item first appeared on Regretsy on September 6, 2011.
That is so fucking awful and cruel I have not one witty thing to say. Finally, someone found the bottom of my snark barrel.
On further review, I have decided that no one can be that heartless, so it has to be a Troll. My faith in humanity is restored!! Whew!!
Your willingness to believe that restores *my* faith in humanity…
If I type it, it has to be true. Don’t burst my bubble!!!!!
“I glue googly eyes to photos of dead people for $50.”
We need somebody to create steampunk goggles that would automatically put an image of googly eyes on any facial image you would see through the goggles. Then again, you’d probably always have to carry around a lot of coal to run it.
What the hell statistics is this seller using? “Usually from disease, aids [which is NOT a disease!], hijackers, or accidents.”
Who knew “hijackers” was in the top 4.
Last time I checked, diseases were considered “natural” causes, albeit, typically untimely ones.
This is just horrifically opportunistic and yeah…horrific.
I think s/he means “deceased”
Well, if it came about early in September, it most likely to capitalize on Tragicrafting(TM) right? You know we all had the one guy who had a cousin who was almost on a flight but missed his bus because he didn’t have exact change or something.
Well, this is perfect for me.
My loved ones are always unluckily dying from aids or hijackers, and I’m never there to witness the shocked looks on their faces as they realize the horrors about to beset them.
“Hopefully the same one your loved one went to.” Well, no. I don’t wanna burn in Hell just because my loved one is. Sorry ’bout your luck, Grandma, I’m floatin’ on a cloud.
Haven’t you read the Old Testament? You fuck up and your whole family line is damned for a thousand generations.
That’s not in the OT or the NT. I’d quote you chapter and verse on what you think you’re thinking of, but I’m too lazy. Suffice to say: You and Grandma could be going to two entirely different places.
You’re right, it’s only for four generations: “I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me.”
Exodus 20:5 and 34:7, and Numbers 14:18.
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
That’s not what it means, but thanks for playing.
I was going to, but I got caught up in Regretsy posts.
This is also why I haven’t been diligent on the want ads.
If it was supposed to be a posting for ‘mortal enemies’, that would be something…but loved ones??? Why would you want to see your loved ones in eternal pain?
I have a strong suspicion that this artist’s idea of ‘loved ones’ are the ones who do, in fact, put the lotion on their skin. Love means never having to give it the hose again…?
It’s either trolling, or a sincere attempt, at the weirdo scare-tactic kind of evangelism. A little bit of “Hell House” right there on Craigslist.
The ad’s expectation of actually selling you the painting is fake in either case.
My first thought was of a hell house! The really great ones in the 80s had rooms with portraits of people in hell, rotting flesh and scary looks and all. Awesome haunted houses, plus those crazy little comic pamphlets at the end.
Here they are! Jack Chick tracts. “Bad Bob” is one of my faves.
There actually was Cthulhu tract floating around at one point that was a parody of a Jack Chick tract. I’m too lazy to try to search for it now, but last I heard Jack Chick, who is apparently very litigious, had it taken down.
What? No samples?
Before purchasing, I would need to see a sample of the artist’s work – preferably View In A Room.
I’m thinking of buying a pre-death portrait of myself. At my age, this is exactly what I need hanging over my bed, to help with the insomnia. And drinking.
Now when you say “to help with the insomnia” are you talking about encouraging insomnia to develop? Because that is exactly what would happen to me if I had a doppleganger hovering over me in abject fear every night. And that goes double if there’s a crucified Buddha over their shoulder!
I’m getting a strong mind picture of the Home Alone kid(doing his hands on face deal) with Christ on the cross behind him. I don’t think that’s the portrait Mr. Sunshine will be painting, but hope springs eternal.
Holy fuck, startup! My Angry Orchard cider almost came out my nose when I read that!
I’d like to see a picture of any normal person, loved or otherwise, seeing one of these pictures. I certainly can conjecture about the shock and horror that person would have as this illustration was “besetting” him/her.
I’d like one of Aunt Mabel showing her look of utter befuddlement when she realized that the piano that fell on her had not killed her but instead left her terminally diseased.
Was that a hijacked piano?
Oh, *deceased* — I thought you had to have a loved one with a disease…
Huh, I hadn’t considered that; from the description I thought they were saying would make a portrait of your loved one that had died unexpectedly of unnatural causes, but portray them as if they were old and dying of a disease.
I think they meant deceased. And just, you know, failed.
Wait…”diseased” or “deceased”? Is it a requirement that the deceased be diseased before they met their bitter end?
Is just “dissed” OK?
I can’t figure out if this guy is a terrific troll or a terrible writer. Either way, I’m backing away slowly.
Oh, St. Louis. Great job, hometown. Keepin’ it classy just like always.
so you know this dude?
My ex-husband had an aneurysm while straining on a Port-a-Potty. Add a crucified Christ to this, and I think it will make a beautiful, thoughtful gift for his grieving family.
AHAHA! I just burst out laughing and woke up my 3 year old… thanks jerk…
I hate it when Cihrstinas misspell things from other religions.
Man, I remember this from last time around. Please some wonderful FJL tell me they bought one and please, please show it to us!
I want a picture of my pal Socrates, goblet in hand, with an “I drank what???” expression on his face. Only then will the healing begin.
Troll. A troll with the mistaken impression that he or she is funny.
Nope, just a jackass who really liked the movie “Real Genius”. If you want to be offended though…
I want a picture of my pal Jesus on the cross saying “No, really guys – that fish was thiiiiis big!”
To be more clear, I think it’s someone spoofing weirdo scare-tactic Hell House evangelism, instead of the sincere attempt at soul-saving it’s pretending to be. But they’re troweling it on just a little bit too thick to be convincing.
Or else they’re just drunk.
I don’t suppose it’s any good telling this guy that life expectancy in the First World today is the highest it’s ever been, and that disease and hijackers and accidents took far more people before their time just a few generations ago.
Probably it’s no good. He doesn’t seem like he wants to be cheered up.
There is a certain Victorian gloom to his approach, though. He would have done well in a time when people took formal photographs of dead children.
At least they had a good reason-given how high the infant mortality rate was, that picture would likely be the only reminder you had of the child. In an era where everyone didn’t own cameras and video recorders, you could hardly begrudge them wanting some remembrance of their baby.
This, on the other hand, there is no excuse for. Like I really want a picture of my mother in the throes of her final heart attack. I prefer to remember her while she was still alive, and I have plenty of pictures I can do that with.
Also, not everyone who dies dies in agony with a look of horror on their face. I was present for both my parents deaths, and in both cases, they’d already slipped into a coma. They died looking peaceful, which is how I want to remember them.
But where’s the artistic challenge in painting someone who’s dying peacefully in their bed? There’s no DRAMA there.
Not gonna lie, when I read the highlighted part I laughed, HARD.
Can somebody do this please? I really really want to see what this guy comes up with.
Imagining the horrifying things that our loved ones were beset with in their last moments…if I hadn’t liked my Grandfather so much, I’d be ordering one of these with a horrible Lovecraftian beast assailing him. Now, flailing tentacles and otherworldly horror ‘besetting’ someone–that’s more like it!
That said, if this artist is Etsy quality, I have a feeling normal hands will look like tentacles anyway.
After all, who could POSSIBLY resist the chance to see a portrait of their loved one “taken too soon, after an untimely death” staring back at you with a look of horror & suffering in their eyes, to remind you of just how horrible their sudden/unexpected/tragic death was?? Now I’m PISSED! I lost a brother to brain cancer at the age of 50. I would love to have the power to reserect him & the first thing he would do, is go beat the hell out of this guy & say “paint that, ASSHOLE!”
Now, I would love to see a painting of this artist being pummelled by the poor former loved ones. Actually, a cartoon would suffice.
yes! And if HE doesn’t live through it we could have all of the Regretsy family paint him & sell it trough “April’s Army” shop! Now that would be a fund raiser of epic proportions! Could it be a troll, yes. But even for trolling that is stooping way, way, low.
Can he depict a reflection of the last horrific thing they see in their eyes, too?
Unless it’s ths disease-inducing ad. Once was 10x too many times, thanks.
I’d like a portrait of Uncle Saul, the leper, memorializing the moment his arm fell off.
Diseased loved one, indeed!
My grandmother always wanted a crucified Buddha in the background of a commemorative picture to memorialize her death.
I have read you endearing craig’s list add, and I must say that your name is very interesting, very post-neo-modern. But I regress. Unfortunately, a family tragedy has lead me to seek your service. My dear loved one, Natalie Hershlag, known to most as Natalie Portman, has recently passed. She was so full of life. She was naked mud wrestling with Christina Hendricks, and was smothered to death by Christina’s breasts. I would like nothing more that a picture of her final moments to remember by dearly Natalie by.
P.S. Is it possible for you to laminate it.
bahahahahahahaha! omg. not enough thumbs up.
can they be oil wrestling instead? mud covers too much of the view.
I would actually love to have a portrait of my evil grandmother as I pushed her down the stairs. Unfortunately she lived so this ad doesn’t apply. Btw, I was 9.
And when I say evil, I mean, lock your kids (my mom and uncle) in a dark basement for days w/o food or water in WWII Germany then making them walk to school past dead bodies of people they knew. When her granddaughter (me) made the scene many years later I was referred to as “Das Amerikaner” in a very nasty tone. I was the first, and only, to this day, member of that horrible, backwards ass, German hillybilly clan to be born in America~my mom was brave and left. Still had to visit the bitch every summer though, some kind of “duty”.
I want a picture of my pal JFK saying “We need to escalate the war in Vietnam like I need a hole in my he- .”
I’d like picture of my dear uncle Fred Phelps being made love to by John Cena and Daniel Tosh…
I’d view that picture in a room
I’d enjoy a depiction of the specific expressions of certain taxidermists I know of as they witness, with shock, the horror that was about to befall them before their heads are sewn onto tutu-wearing teddy bears and festooned with colorful ribbons.
(I tried, but in the end, I just couldn’t resist.)
Golly gee, what a chipper and upbeat closing paragraph!
Um, I don’t know if anyone else has commented on this, but in addition to the ridiculous fuckery of this post, she misspelled “deceased” Apparently, she can only make the portrait if they dies from a horrific terminal illness.
Go big or don’t go at all!
I must assume the artist is doing this as a masturbatory aid. That’s all I can think of to rationalize the post.
I mean, who really says, “I’d like to depict [your loved one in] the horror which was about to beset them?” You’d like that? And you want someone to PAY you for what you’d like to do to their beloved dead relatives?
Let us know how that works out for you.
Da fuq did I just read?
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.
You must be logged in to post a comment.
The term "Etsy" is a trademark of Etsy, Inc. This site is not affiliated with Etsy, Inc.