The Miracle Bajingo Shoehorn
This post first appeared on Regretsy in October of 2011
“A staggering 55% of women, irrespective of age, size or weight, experience camel toe at some point.”
“Many women have even gone to extreme lengths to rectify the camel toe problem, resorting to expensive and risky surgery.”
“Now thanks to the Smooth Groove camel toe remedy, all women can get on with their lives without having to worry about how they look.”
“After all, being a woman is hard enough and having a Smooth Groove in your underwear drawer will make it just that little bit easier!”
Well thank God, is all I can say. Thank God someone is looking out for women in a positive, empowering, Occupy My Walls kind of way. Because being a woman is some seriously tough shit.
There’s the threat of sexual violence, the fashion industry imposing an impossible standard of beauty, fighting for equal compensation and opportunity in the workplace and trying to keep your giant, sloppy vagina from unravelling in your pants like a loose bragioli.
Fortunately for us gals, there’s the Miracle Polymer Clam Smoothie™. Now you can shove a $30 piece of plastic in your thong, stand up in front of your male counterparts and make that important presentation, without worrying that everyone is gawking at that engorged, rubbery poon of yours.
YOUR COOTER IS TOO BIG TO FAIL
Get your own Miracle Mound Snapper Spackle™ here
August 11, 2012 at 11:03 am
wearing a rigid sanitary padthing under my skintight jeans is all I need to make my life worth living! {off to find gin now}.
August 11, 2012 at 11:04 am
Damn. I have not seen everything. Yet. Can someone flash?
August 11, 2012 at 11:19 am
Are you asking someone to convert the video or show you their genitals? (I think I already know the answer but can’t help you.)
August 11, 2012 at 11:40 am
Not someone, but all.
August 11, 2012 at 12:04 pm
http://www.amazon.com/Braza-Camel-Not-Camel-Cover-Inserts/product-reviews/B00479YLFK/ref=sr_1_2_cm_cr_acr_txt?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=1
August 11, 2012 at 11:04 am
“A staggering 55% of women, irrespective of age, size or weight, experience camel toe at some point.”
“Many women have even gone to extreme lengths to rectify the camel toe problem, resorting to expensive and risky surgery.”
Have they maybe considered, I don’t know, pants and/or undergarments that aren’t five sizes too small?
August 11, 2012 at 1:43 pm
People have surgery to fix their camel toe? What do they do, remove your labia for you?
August 11, 2012 at 3:13 pm
That was what I was wondering. I’m kinda horrified, TBH.
August 11, 2012 at 3:56 pm
Remove? Of course not. They sew ‘em together to make a nice, flat Barbie smoothie.
August 11, 2012 at 4:41 pm
I was afraid to ask. Just told myself it was sale hype (please let that be true)!
August 12, 2012 at 10:30 pm
http://jezebel.com/5535356/the-labiaplasty-you-never-knew-you-wanted-%5Bnsfw%5D
August 13, 2012 at 3:21 am
My ladies aren’t exactly shy, and it makes me insecure as fuck, but every time I see that video pop up I get so full of girl rage that I feel better for a bit. Urgh jesus.
As for camel toe – those white jeans looked way too tight on her bum anyway, so I dread to think what it did to her front. Why not wear something that actually fits rather than something two sizes too small? Then maybe it wouldn’t disappear up the ol’ snatch.
August 15, 2012 at 7:56 am
Kinda funny that the goal is to make the vaginas look prepubescent.
August 11, 2012 at 11:05 am
A staggering 55% of women have experienced camel toe?
I cannot begin to fathom how awkward that study was.
August 11, 2012 at 11:08 am
It mostly involved sitting in a subway station staring at crotches all day.
August 11, 2012 at 11:09 am
Wouldn’t that skew the results though? I don’t think you’d get accurate data on the subway.
Or in walmart, for that matter.
August 11, 2012 at 11:27 am
I don’t know. I think the subway provides a fairly decent cross-section of the average American crotch. Of course, the study also had to include a margin of error for subjects who were gender-ambiguous.
I’mThey’re conducting a follow-up study, too, on how many men adjust themselves in public.August 11, 2012 at 11:41 am
I admire your dedication to SCIENCE!
August 11, 2012 at 1:43 pm
They should have this study at the Minnesota State Fair there’s lots of fashion choices there.
August 11, 2012 at 1:15 pm
Maybe if they quit staggering, their business would stay put.
August 11, 2012 at 11:12 am
Now, just a minute here……
WHAT’S WRONG WITH CAMEL TOES????
I can’t think of a breathing male who would turn away upon spying the luscious little avenue of access that we all crave……!
Are you trying to ruin our (somewhat damp) dreams??????
August 11, 2012 at 11:22 am
No no no no. If you guys start saying you LIKE this sorta thing, it will destroy the whole body-shaming plan of attack and THEN how will people like the fine folks at the SmoothGroove(r) company feed their kids HUH?!
August 12, 2012 at 7:19 am
moose Knuckle or camel toe are natural things, that only occur when wearing unnaturally tight clothing.. looks like someone’s trying to profit on vanity again.
August 11, 2012 at 11:26 am
^ Here’s one male that’s wouldn’t stare.
Gawk, sure. But stare? I’ll pass. O-o
August 15, 2012 at 7:57 am
I guess it’s like boobs… they only want the attractive men looking.
August 11, 2012 at 11:13 am
maybe i’m in the minority here, but i think this product is a good idea and i don’t think the woman that invented it is just trying to make money off of vagina wedgies. she seems intelligent enough to know that there is a market for this product. it’s not fun when my clothes crawl up into my loveconch…unless i’m alone and can ride that sweet pony off into the sunset.
August 11, 2012 at 11:16 am
Giddyup.
In unrelated news, I entered “giddyup” into an image search and found this.
http://us-p.vclart.net/vcl/Artists/Agro-Antirrhopus/Adult/Giddyup.jpg
POINTS TO ANYONE WHO CAN SEE WHAT’S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE.
August 11, 2012 at 11:28 am
Starting with WHERE DID HER LEGS GO???? Followed immediately by WHERE IS ‘HIS’ BODY????? How many points do I get, huh? huh? OTOH, maybe if you’re an ass-head, all you need is ‘his’ junk and something to prop it all up?
August 11, 2012 at 11:30 am
i’ed like to ask what ISN’T wrong with that picture?.. but maybe, that’s just taking the easy way.. =)
August 11, 2012 at 9:38 pm
DING DING DING.
That is the correct answer.
August 11, 2012 at 11:30 am
Brigitte Nielsen and Flava Flav were never in such good shape?
August 11, 2012 at 11:32 am
I like how it has a nice artistic pattern on the inside so your vagina has something to look at all day.
August 11, 2012 at 11:33 am
That was not supposed to be a reply, dammit.
August 11, 2012 at 11:34 am
I’m going to go with “everything.”
August 11, 2012 at 11:38 am
Hair.
And what about the two-toned dick? Looks like a depth gauge – if she can make it past the boundary, then she wins a prize?
August 11, 2012 at 12:09 pm
“According to my dipstick, you’re actually a quart over!”
August 12, 2012 at 3:08 am
Being two-toned isn’t the problem – it’s that it looks like a double-ended dildo, and the person on the bottom appears to have both an orifice that it goes into and a nutsack.
August 15, 2012 at 8:00 am
You have never seen a horse penis.
That can either be a compliment or an insult…
August 11, 2012 at 1:34 pm
That’s really scary! I’m not really sure how all that’s happening…
August 11, 2012 at 11:33 am
I’m not concerned about your lady cave getting attention. If ya’ have it, well, … flaunt it & I’ll look away while others stare.
Anyway, I’m wondering what’s next to come down the pipeline? (ugh, sorry, but no pun intended.) Perhaps “panty extenders” to help erase pantylines?
In reality, those “panty extenders” would be 3″ wide masking tape.
August 11, 2012 at 11:29 am
Is it wrong? Or does it just make it so much more right?
I also just printed that off and made it into a coaster.
August 11, 2012 at 11:36 am
I think “Miracle Bajingo Shoehorn” is a much better name. Someone should trademark that, stat.
August 11, 2012 at 11:37 am
Other Rejected Names for this product:
Snatch Patch
Clam Shell
Poon Spoon
August 11, 2012 at 11:43 am
Ooh-ooh! One more – Vladimir Putin (for stifling Pussy Riot)
August 11, 2012 at 11:48 am
Lady-Cave Cover
UnderWraps, with the tagline “Keepin’ It UnderWraps”
Woman-hole Cover (as opposed to a manhole cover)
Snatch Hatch
Bajingo-B-Gone
Crotch Coverlette
My Mate’s Plate / Intimate Plate — and for those with wide open spaces, the Vajingo Platter
Copyright 2012, R_W_B
August 11, 2012 at 12:09 pm
Hey, it’s The Hoo-haa Hatch! (possible vajingo jingo)
Suzy Rottencrotch’s Snug-fittin’ Rozy
The Dainty Doozy
Nothin’ Muffin
The Quaint Quell
The Indigo No-it-didn’t-go-in!
Copyright 2012, R_W_B
August 11, 2012 at 12:22 pm
Milady’s Mask
The Duchess’s Door
The Queen’s Curse
Taming The Shrew
BOO-YAH! It’s this bitch’s bizness!
“To Boldly Go Where Men Fear”
The Bride’s Bridle
Copyright 2012, R_W_B
August 11, 2012 at 12:34 pm
Seductress’s Shield
Femme Not-so-Fatale
The Flapper’s Clapper
Zena’s Shoehorn
Labia Balm
Jillin’ On The Inside (the vibrator version)
Copyright 2012, R_W_B
August 11, 2012 at 3:58 pm
Labibra
Cracknomore
Snatchguard
Hideaslit
August 11, 2012 at 4:43 pm
My vote is for Bajingo-B-Gone.
August 11, 2012 at 5:56 pm
Bajingone!
August 11, 2012 at 12:16 pm
Sauron’s Eyelid
V-naynay
Vulvaway
August 11, 2012 at 12:36 pm
Lady KenDoll
August 11, 2012 at 2:25 pm
Coochie Coozy
August 11, 2012 at 11:47 am
I only want it if it vibrates.
August 11, 2012 at 12:02 pm
“You know, your attitude is really improving. You seemed to really enjoy the shareholder meeting today!”
August 11, 2012 at 12:57 pm
“You seconded so many motions and were always ready with an a(aaaaa)ye!”
August 11, 2012 at 11:48 am
that reminds me of the c string – https://www.cstringdirect.com
it’s like a headband for your pubes. which, you know, if you need a headband for them, you probably need something other than a headband.
August 11, 2012 at 11:50 am
also, I recently had an underwire make a brave attempt at escape from my bra as I stood in the middle of the motor vehicle administration line. that was pretty unpleasant, but I have to imagine it’s significantly more unpleasant to have one make a violent escape into the crack of your ass.
August 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm
All right, I can kind of see the point of that thing under tight dresses or jeans (if I squint just right and use the Hubble Array), but as swimwear? Is there anyone whose last name is not “Kardashian” who would even consider wearing that thing on a beach?
Okay, Tila Tequila, but I don’t think she even counts.
August 11, 2012 at 9:46 pm
All I can think, looking at that, is what if you wear it to the beach and then it falls off?
August 12, 2012 at 5:48 pm
It looks like a giant sanitary towel.
August 11, 2012 at 12:04 pm
I am so happy that she found something to cover her moose knuckle, but that shot of her walking down the stairs would indicate that she also needs it to extend to the booty. She may have tamed the lady biz, but there is a major wedgie going on.
August 11, 2012 at 12:19 pm
CreaseCease
Crease and Desist
August 11, 2012 at 3:19 pm
I’m glad I’m not the only person who was thinking that.
Is this product exclusively for women who have no friends? Because I can’t imagine wearing a pair of pants that fucking tight and not having one of my friends comment on how awful they look.
August 12, 2012 at 3:36 am
is it because pants’ too small or they’re pulling it up so high?
August 11, 2012 at 6:21 pm
I think the solution is BUY PANTS THAT FIT!
August 11, 2012 at 12:22 pm
I thing the bigger problem here is the staggering. Sober up, ladies!
August 11, 2012 at 12:53 pm
No! Dear god, don’t sober up! Then I’ll never get laid. :’(
August 11, 2012 at 1:18 pm
If you wait until they’re staggering you have to do too much of the work.
August 11, 2012 at 12:52 pm
Sadly, the version of this aimed at men did not fare so well.
Apparently, society doesn’t shame men with David Bowie Syndrome.
August 12, 2012 at 12:19 pm
funding for the BatchPatch fell through
August 11, 2012 at 12:53 pm
I don’t know what this lady is talkin about, cameltoe freakin RULZ!
August 11, 2012 at 12:53 pm
They have competition:
http://www.camelflage.com/
AND:
http://cuchini.com/
You’re welcome.
August 11, 2012 at 1:14 pm
Has anyone seen the the nose from my Groucho disguise?
August 11, 2012 at 1:42 pm
I don’t think I’ll ever get the phrase “no bush for the cush” out of my head.
August 11, 2012 at 3:26 pm
Despite the brilliant name, I give the camelflage a D- because underpants with a sewn-in maxi pad just don’t measure up to a shoehorn for your bajingo.
My favorite feature of the cuchini website is the “send one anonymously” page. Yes, now you can inspire shame, humiliation, and paranoia in your friends and acquaintances, without fear of consequences!
August 11, 2012 at 6:03 pm
Because sending undergarments anonymously is not at all stalker-ish.
August 11, 2012 at 1:07 pm
Now, she needs to do something about the trousers she’s wearing in the video that are disappearing into her butt-crack. Why doesn’t she just get trousers that fit??????
August 11, 2012 at 1:20 pm
Because- marketing!
August 11, 2012 at 3:27 pm
That’s just crazy talk.
August 11, 2012 at 1:39 pm
I made my brother watch this with me and brought up a good question of what happens when a dude tries to get his swerve on and we’ve nicknamed the Smooth Groove the Cock Blocker.
August 11, 2012 at 1:44 pm
I want before and after photos DAMMIT!
August 11, 2012 at 1:54 pm
OMG she’s from where I’m from. I could literally get a bus down the road and smack her in the face with a bajingo shoehorn!
I am so proud of my region. In both senses of the word.
August 11, 2012 at 2:07 pm
If it was renamed the Miracle Bajingo Shoehorn it would create a sad army of baffled and disappointed shoe fetishists trying to find the correct link.
August 11, 2012 at 2:26 pm
Regardless of its endless usage, “irrespective” is not a word.
Carry on.
August 11, 2012 at 3:04 pm
So, going over the the website, I see this:
0 things in my basket, yeah. And it’s gonna stay that way, baby.
August 11, 2012 at 3:11 pm
I watched the video. It reminds me of a fashion nutcup.
The follow-on link was to a man with 2747 toothpicks in his beard. He counted.
I think he should up-sale them now as tiny mantotems.
August 11, 2012 at 3:48 pm
If plastic takes millions of years to break down in the landfill, why would I need to replace this thing every 6-months?
August 12, 2012 at 9:41 am
Everyone knows the bajingo puts out a substance akin to Alien blood. Eats right through the shoehorn.
August 15, 2012 at 8:06 am
Maybe it starts releasing BPA after that.
August 11, 2012 at 3:51 pm
Oh sure, help out the people with camel toe. What about people with dromedary toe??? What about OUR pain????
August 12, 2012 at 3:44 pm
*being THAT person*
A dromedary is a species of camel.
August 11, 2012 at 4:33 pm
It’s a cooch canoe!
Seriously though packing that much plastic into your panties will not only result in a smooth, barbie like shape it will also give you a wicked yeast infection.
August 12, 2012 at 3:45 pm
Swamp crotch is my favorite.
August 11, 2012 at 4:49 pm
What if it get “loose?” I’d rather have camel toe (although I wear the correct size clothes so not a major issue) than a fake woody and end up looking like the rowing guy in the Olympics.
August 11, 2012 at 5:39 pm
This has also been done on SNL http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QW0uaK8tYx0
August 11, 2012 at 6:29 pm
AHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I was wondering where I’d seen that before—thanks!
If I’m gettin a miracle-bajingo-shoehorn, I want one that gives me man-package!
August 11, 2012 at 9:51 pm
Ugh! Can you imagine the havoc this would cause to the delicate balance down there? Women! Let your friggin ax wound breathe! This woman is an idiot and I bet her vagina smells like moldy bread.
August 12, 2012 at 7:25 am
A wonderful platter of yeast infection, coming right up.. I don’t even want to imagine what this smells like after a day or two of use.. Heavenly..
August 12, 2012 at 10:28 am
So when this things falls out your pant leg because I don’t see any method for holding it in place other than those thorny bits in the design digging in, how you going to explain that to any bystanders? i would also think a lumpy plastic thing poking its corner out in your pants would be harder to explain than the camel toe.
August 12, 2012 at 10:04 pm
I want one with a handle, for scraping the last bit of mayo or peanut butter out of the jar.
August 12, 2012 at 10:23 pm
WHY DO WE HAVE TO BUY A SEPARATE ACCESSORY FOR *PANTS*??? THOSE PANTS IN THE VIDEO LOOK SO THIN AND ILL-MADE IT’S NO WONDER THERE ARE PROBLEMS! CAN WE NOT GET THE CLOTHING MANUFACTURERS TO MAKE WOMEN’S CLOTHING THAT IS NOT AS FLIMSY AS TISSUE PAPER SO THIS WOULDN’T BE A FRICKING PROBLEM? AND HOW ABOUT SOME REAL POCKETS WHILE THEY’RE AT IT! ( Sry, Auntie is pissed tonight, in more ways than one!)
August 13, 2012 at 2:28 pm
HEY!!!! DAMMIT!!!!
WHO broke into my sock drawer and took my tongue shield?
September 15, 2012 at 9:46 am
46 years old and I finally know what a camel toe is… and wish I didn’t. All this time I figured it was in the hangnail family… or like a corn or something.