GO FOR THE GOLD
GO GO 2D NOLO!
That first step is a doozy.
Nothing says, “Olympics” like ET on a bed of bacon.
This may be the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. I haven’t been this down since Michael Phelps lost his Kellogs deal.
Well, they were until YOU PAINTED THEM
Maybe a lamp, but probably a piece of shit.
Wow, now I feel stoned.
Sometimes I like to wipe my ass with 30 year old toilet paper and think about Eric Heiden.
DON’T JUDGE ME
August 6, 2012 at 11:52 am
If your American Girl doll is just now starting to sharpen her beam skills for the olympics, she’s a little late.
August 6, 2012 at 11:54 am
Don’t fret, just Strug it off and keep trying!
August 6, 2012 at 11:56 am
Are you flaming me?
August 6, 2012 at 12:02 pm
flame . . . olympics . . . ok, that was weak. sorry.
August 6, 2012 at 11:56 am
If that comment gets thumed down, it’s your own vault.
August 6, 2012 at 12:08 pm
If you guys are just gonna horse around here I’m going to hit the bars.
August 6, 2012 at 12:42 pm
Don’t get too drunk though- some dude might pommel you into the ground.
August 6, 2012 at 1:08 pm
No, I just fell down because they were uneven bars.
And I was drunk.
August 6, 2012 at 4:27 pm
I bet your head is ringing now as a result.
Maybe you should stay laying on the floor.
August 6, 2012 at 9:16 pm
That’s my usual routine alright.
August 6, 2012 at 1:07 pm
I accidentally down thum(b)ed you, Getoffmylawn – and I wish I hadn’t because your comment is funny!
August 6, 2012 at 1:20 pm
That’s alright, you good kid!
August 6, 2012 at 1:26 pm
Yet another pass for LeeLoo!
August 6, 2012 at 1:31 pm
Thank God there are multi.
August 6, 2012 at 1:34 pm
Good ‘tude!
August 6, 2012 at 12:01 pm
I’ll go to the mat for you!
August 6, 2012 at 12:27 pm
Mat’s not here, man.
At least, not yet.
August 6, 2012 at 12:32 pm
It’s only a Mat’r of time…
August 6, 2012 at 12:43 pm
I’m here now!
August 6, 2012 at 12:55 pm
I was wondering when you’d show up, Downthumber! Good to see you!
August 6, 2012 at 12:13 pm
No American Girl doll is going to use that beam. Instead, she’ll save time and her manicure by ingesting AGGH–American Doll Growth Hormones. Her necklaces won’t fit anymore and she’ll be a bit violent if someone doesn’t watch what she’s doing with her hands, but g’damn, she’s going to come home with a medal or sombitch’s gonna get cut.
August 6, 2012 at 11:52 am
Eric Heiden, the Hockey team, so many memories. You’ll be wiping your ass to the chant of “U.S.Ahhhhh.”
August 8, 2012 at 7:29 pm
Wonder if anyone noticed that the ‘coloured’ toilet paper is racist. I suspect not, though, given that this is Etsy, and that most vintage sellers have the cultural sensitivity of a cyclist’s crotch after one Tour-de-France too many…
August 6, 2012 at 11:54 am
RE: #6
If you take the “s” off the front of scrap, you get, well, what you get.
August 6, 2012 at 11:54 am
And this entire time I’ve been trying to sell vintage boxes of Kotex. Clearly the money is in toilet paper.
August 6, 2012 at 12:45 pm
It must be from the wrong period.
August 6, 2012 at 1:09 pm
Not vintage, not yet an antique.
August 6, 2012 at 1:25 pm
Come on LeeLoo, just go with the flow.
August 6, 2012 at 1:21 pm
Your comment has me seeing red.
August 6, 2012 at 3:07 pm
Well, if you’d quit padding your prices, you might sell them. I’m sorry, I’ll quit ragging on you.
August 6, 2012 at 3:43 pm
I have a baggie filled with old tampons that I will give you free, no strings attached.
August 6, 2012 at 11:56 am
F*ck it. I love the honesty of “maybe this, but probably just that”. It’s like a hobo with a sign that says, “I’m going to spend any money you give me on booze. Oh, and God bless you.” You gotta admire that level of commitment to no-f*cks-given.
August 6, 2012 at 2:14 pm
Why are you censoring yourself?
August 6, 2012 at 3:03 pm
Sometimes I like to pretend I’m a lady. On days like this I shave my armpits, brush my teeth, and stick out my pinkie while sipping tea as well.
August 6, 2012 at 4:01 pm
Sometimes I like to pretend I’m a lady too…
August 6, 2012 at 4:23 pm
And sometimes I pretend you’re a lady and I’m the man
August 6, 2012 at 7:58 pm
And sometimes I like to pretend I’m Hitler annexing Poland. But only if Poland consents.
August 6, 2012 at 8:50 pm
And I pretend I’m Stalin and say “While you guys are doing that, mind if I occupy this side?” And we got us a “menage a trotsky”!
August 6, 2012 at 10:37 pm
And then I get out the balaclavas.
August 6, 2012 at 4:35 pm
That guy is at my corner store, I love him. Last Christmas I gave him a shirt that says “I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meeting…I’m a drunk”. He’s still wearing it. I have the same shirt btw, it always offends someone!
August 6, 2012 at 11:56 am
I know dozens of little gymnasts who would kill for that American Girl balance beam. No really. Those competitive gymnasts are an evil bunch, and don’t even get me started on their moms…
August 6, 2012 at 11:58 am
$50 for toilet paper? You’ve gotta be shitting me.
August 6, 2012 at 12:01 pm
The toilet paper is that seller’s turd strike.
August 6, 2012 at 12:02 pm
still cheaper than the $90 peach-colored toilet paper previously featured. Apparently blue paper is worth less.
August 6, 2012 at 12:10 pm
Ooh, you’re right. It WAS peach-colored paper…but that one was more expensive AND had a blonde girl on the front. A nice WHITE girl on the front. Look at this package. See a nice WHITE blonde girl? No?
I rest my case.
/self-hating blonde white girl
August 7, 2012 at 12:47 am
Just be thankful they didn’t get out the glue and stick a turd on it.
August 6, 2012 at 11:58 am
I don’t care about the Olympics, but I’m buying the toilet paper because Northern is an Official Oregon C.U.P Environmental Award winner!
It’ll go great with my collection California CEQA awards and my room full of framed environmental impact reports!
August 6, 2012 at 11:59 am
I’m honestly in love with the “Michael Phelps Drowning, Under Glass” painting. I think we need to see that one in a room, perhaps at an aquarium?
August 8, 2012 at 7:32 pm
I love the fact that his hands are disproportionate, too. I’ve noticed that Etsy sellers are probably the worst hand-painters on the internet, including those in the scummy corners of Deviant Art.
On the other hand, I wouldn’t want to finger any sellers in particular.
August 6, 2012 at 12:03 pm
Why is there a painting of Michael Phelps being drowned in a glass box filled with water…?
August 6, 2012 at 12:07 pm
Because he missed a gold medal last week.
August 6, 2012 at 12:44 pm
Because the lousy mime that bothers you in the park on Saturdays was busy.
August 6, 2012 at 1:01 pm
Sorry, dude, I had a prior engagement. Next time, make an appointment!
August 6, 2012 at 1:14 pm
He should have stayed out of Tesla’s “Transported Man” box if he wasn’t ready to do anything to win.
- The Prestige!
August 6, 2012 at 6:28 pm
Because Moisture is the essence of Wetness, and Wetness is the essence of Beauty.
August 6, 2012 at 8:25 pm
Damien Hirst tribute? It is the London Olympics, after all.
August 6, 2012 at 12:05 pm
I’m outraged! A few weeks ago, there was the 40-year-old blue Northern Tissue that had a blonde white girl on the front. That went for $80. This package of blue paper that’s 32 years old with a cute little black girl on it rates only $50? Does Al Sharpton know about this?
August 6, 2012 at 12:50 pm
Nancy Grace won’t give a missing black girl 1/4 the attention, let alone 5/8, that she gives a missing white girl. Therefore, racist Etsy vintage TP sellers have better values than Nancy Grace.
And so do vintage TP packages.
August 6, 2012 at 1:58 pm
Oh come now. It’s clearly because the seller states there’s a tear in the package. Right?
Also this seller is trying to undercut the other seller. On toiletpaper. Vintage toiletpaper.
*mind assplode*
August 8, 2012 at 7:33 pm
Vintage toilet paper sounds like the beginning of a police report, or the worst hospital trip ever.
August 6, 2012 at 12:12 pm
Winter Olympics toilet paper? Now that’s what I call a “Miracle On Ass”!
August 6, 2012 at 12:51 pm
I call it a “snow job”.
August 6, 2012 at 8:02 pm
I call it ‘probably the same as using sandpaper to wipe yourself.’ A lot of things can be vintage, but I don’t think toilet paper qualifies as one of them.
August 8, 2012 at 12:11 am
Buy it at that price, I call it “using money to wipe yourself”.
August 6, 2012 at 12:14 pm
In London, people are getting bitch slapped by the police for selling anything even slightly related to the Olympics. They should all just move their wares to Etsy.
August 6, 2012 at 12:55 pm
I hear they’ve pulled “Lord of the Rings” just to be safe.
August 6, 2012 at 1:07 pm
They’ve also pulled wedding rings, engagement rings, and bathtub rings.. but most of us won’t miss that last one.
August 6, 2012 at 1:10 pm
The Olympics police are inspecting all men for ring around the collar.
Oh, god, why did I say that? Now that damn jingle is in my head.
August 6, 2012 at 1:20 pm
A guy got hauled in for using his aged-flaccid-penis-related nickname.
August 6, 2012 at 3:09 pm
OK, I gotta ask: how does Limp Dick relate to the Olympics?
August 6, 2012 at 3:47 pm
Alas, Ol’ Limp Dick, I knew him well.
OK, well enough.
August 6, 2012 at 8:55 pm
Reddogbon sets it up and BOOM – Postmenopaws puts it in!
And we all win.
August 6, 2012 at 5:22 pm
Ain’t just London. I live in Canada and work for the biggest book store chain (Chapters Indigo). We were running a promotion that gave loyalty members either double discount or double points, depending on which card they have. We were ordered to shut it down.
The Olympic folks are good competition for JK Rowling in the arena of brand control.
As to the TP, by “they” does the seller mean Northern? Because you can certainly buy coloured toilet paper. Here you can get pink-dyed Purex to “support” breast cancer research. Feel good about yourself donating to breast cancer research while wiping your ass with dyes that will give you colorectal or some other kind of lovely cancer!
August 6, 2012 at 6:17 pm
You can get just about anything in pink to support breast cancer, but in the US, TP isn’t on the list. I don’t know if colored “bathroom tissue” has been banned, but I can’t remember the last time I saw it.
Here in Atlanta any business with the word “Olympic” in the name had to prove they were in business before the day in 1990 when they announced we got the 1996 Games.
August 6, 2012 at 8:57 pm
So the Greek Pantheon had to suck it?
August 8, 2012 at 12:13 am
To be fair, the Greek Pantheon was doing a lot of that already…
August 6, 2012 at 12:19 pm
I don’t remember the Union Jack looking like that … now I feel all patriotic.
August 6, 2012 at 12:33 pm
Union Jacked Up.
August 6, 2012 at 12:57 pm
That’s even rasher, LeeLoo!
August 6, 2012 at 12:25 pm
Well the body on the phelps painting isn’t bad, but he is way prettier than the real phelps!
August 6, 2012 at 1:08 pm
Not to mention less “pruny”.
August 6, 2012 at 11:39 pm
Well, if you don’t want him, I’ll take him! We can do some okra together or something.
August 6, 2012 at 12:31 pm
The funny attention grabbing phrase is gibberish to me (not the London part); the bottom word sure as hell isn’t “Olympics” is it?
August 6, 2012 at 12:33 pm
Oh DUH, London “crawling”…I get it. Stupid me. Although that burnt-beyond-recognition thing in the middle doesn’t look like a baby.
August 6, 2012 at 12:36 pm
Is it supposed to be a bulldog, maybe?
August 6, 2012 at 1:05 pm
Is it that “Black Angus” I keep hearing about?
August 6, 2012 at 1:09 pm
Can you point to the Angus, please, for the court record?
August 6, 2012 at 4:10 pm
I thought it was some reference to The Clash, but didn’t get the bacon stripes with gorilla silhouette part
August 6, 2012 at 12:35 pm
Well, it’s red, white, and a (tiny bit) blue, but I’ve got to be honest – there’s a heck of a lot of Union Flags to be seen right here in London Town at the moment, and none of them seem to feature Frazzles quite as heavily as that one.
August 7, 2012 at 12:11 am
Possibly might have looked more authentic if they’d used NikNaks.
August 6, 2012 at 12:35 pm
I’m going to get a shitload of disposable chopsticks and red and blue sharpies and be already to rake in the bucks like thhe ice cream spoon guy when the Olympics are back in China. That’ll be pretty soon, right?
August 6, 2012 at 12:39 pm
*all ready* But keep the extra h for later in case anyone says “bloody ‘ell”
August 6, 2012 at 12:37 pm
The t-shirt made me think it was a silhouette of a pug taking a shit on a stack of bacon, which confused me because a pug would normally be stuck in face first to a big pile of pig.
August 6, 2012 at 12:40 pm
August 6, 2012 at 1:10 pm
Ahhhh, perfect! Now.. who here can float me a loan to pay for it?
August 6, 2012 at 1:17 pm
Knowing that Phelps is planning to go on a shark dive after the Olympics makes this even more amusing.
August 6, 2012 at 12:46 pm
“Sometimes I like to wipe my ass with 30 year old toilet paper and think about Eric Heiden.
DON’T JUDGE ME”
Oh, I’m judging you. Right now. Judging you HARD.
August 6, 2012 at 12:49 pm
Those “spoons” are about the most budget thing I’ve seen in a while. Eight bucks? Really? They’re not even dished out, are they? Up here in RI, those things come free with Italian Ice. And those kiddie-rubber-stamp stars are not remotely “patriotic” looking at all. Just awful all around. F-.
August 6, 2012 at 1:14 pm
I’m sure the judges will banish the seller for doping. That’s the only excuse for those things.
August 6, 2012 at 1:27 pm
They’re patriotic for the the tiny republic of Togo.
August 6, 2012 at 4:15 pm
Now I’m missing Del’s Frozen Lemonade
August 6, 2012 at 5:57 pm
DEL’S!!!!!!!!
August 6, 2012 at 6:06 pm
Now we’re talkin’! I had a Del’s day before yesterday, and it was amazing. I love that stuff. It’s great with vodka, too.
August 6, 2012 at 10:40 pm
Oh, man. Why did I ever leave?
August 6, 2012 at 1:19 pm
I was disappointed that this didn’t make the cut!
http://www.etsy.com/listing/103000958/genuine-flame-from-the-london-2012
August 6, 2012 at 1:35 pm
I love that the certificate of authenticity comes with a certificate of authenticity. I’m impressed. I’d want mine to be genuine, not one of those things you can buy at Staples.
August 6, 2012 at 1:36 pm
” I’ve spoken to the Royal Mail and they assured me it was safe to post a candle or small fire as long as I send it Next Day Delivery, with the package clearly marked as “FRAGILE” and “ON FIRE” ” Hee.
August 6, 2012 at 1:53 pm
I’m convinced he’s one of us.
August 6, 2012 at 1:56 pm
If he’s not – he should be.
August 6, 2012 at 3:58 pm
I’d probably leave my husband for this guy if given the opportunity. I’d need to have him rub my feet to be sure.
August 6, 2012 at 6:21 pm
Another item in the shop is a carton of “extra strength Placebo.” Cures everything!
August 6, 2012 at 2:23 pm
He’s got a few too many rings in that logo.
August 6, 2012 at 4:25 pm
It’s the Director’s Cut.
August 6, 2012 at 4:39 pm
Thanks for the catch – he’s hilarious! If he isn’t one of us, he definitely should be, as noted. If you’re reading this, Darren – come to the Snark Side! You’re one of us.
August 6, 2012 at 4:57 pm
Message him!
August 6, 2012 at 4:44 pm
But it comes with TWO certificates of authenticity! A certificate of authenticity for the certificate of authenticity! Surely that means it’s doubly real!
And thank you, my husband’s brain has borked and it was hilarious to watch happen.
August 6, 2012 at 1:22 pm
I was looking for Olymcrap on Etsy around the time of the opening ceremony. Except for the wire ring, I found pretty much nothing except for the usual unrelated stuff (“This is not Olympunk”).
So I figure most of these guys were sitting in front of the TV, and went “Holy F***!!! It’s the Olympics!!!”. Then they Googled to find out where London was and by the 18th commercial, they had their idea. Now the location is announced at the end of the previous games 4 years earlier. Plenty of early warning to be ready to sell your stuff. It’s not like when somebody famous kicks the bucket and your buds all text you about it the minute it happens.
Perhaps there is a demand for a 4-year alarm clock or an Olympics advent calendar?
August 6, 2012 at 6:22 pm
My collection of “what were they thinking” legitimate licensed Atlanta Olympic merchandise includes a porcelain spoon rest, guest bath hand towels, pillowcases, and “The Club,” that metal device you use to lock your steering wheel in place.
August 6, 2012 at 1:33 pm
I admire the person that got new life out of their pattern for crocheting a carrot and just changed the yarn color to make that Olympic torch! Unless they were crocheting a rocket and just turned it over…then I hate them.
August 6, 2012 at 1:34 pm
Toilet paper seller girl is right– it IS “ultra rare” to find something in “mint condition” with a tear in it. It’s only $50? The thing’s practically OOAK! It’s a steal at twice the price. I best order it before one of you vultures snap it up…
August 6, 2012 at 2:06 pm
I’ve got a great used book to sell you- yellowed with age, cover is half torn off, some pages missing, but other than that, MINT CONDITION!
August 6, 2012 at 2:05 pm
Regarding the TP, did anyone else read “they stopped making colored…” and assume something really offensive was coming?
August 6, 2012 at 2:06 pm
I don’t get that shirt. Does it say “London Crawlin”? If so, what’s the intended pun? And what association do candy canes and black labradors retrievers have with this phrase?
I’m so confused.
August 6, 2012 at 2:07 pm
*labrador
August 6, 2012 at 4:03 pm
https://startpage.com/do/search?q=London+Calling&lui=english
August 6, 2012 at 5:30 pm
I’m not sure if you’re kidding or honestly just don’t know one of the most popular Clash songs there was.
August 8, 2012 at 4:34 am
I know the song, and I couldn’t make sense of the shirt.
It doesn’t help that you have to spend an inordinately long time puzzling out what it says. By the time you work out the lettering, the idea of any kind of wordplay has fizzled out.
August 6, 2012 at 2:20 pm
Wait, what the hell’s an “Arican American” girl, anyway? Am I one? Or one of my best friends? I’m not going to wipe me ass until I find out.
August 6, 2012 at 2:22 pm
Annnnnnnnd now I’m apparently a Scot. Please forgive me blunder.
August 6, 2012 at 3:46 pm
Could you repeat that slowly? Your accent is very thick—it’s NICE, don’t get me wrong, it’s very nice, but I have trouble understanding a Scots accent. Thanks!
August 6, 2012 at 2:24 pm
Oregon, that TP probably came out of my aunt and uncle’s basement at the estate sale. No kidding, they had TP and paper towels over 20 years old. That’s what living through the Great Depression will do to you.
August 6, 2012 at 2:25 pm
Fifth one down, with the spoons, makes me worry that wine corks might be the new barn wood. And those ones look like the were glazed in blood.
August 6, 2012 at 4:08 pm
I don’t see wine corks. I see vintage raisins upscaled into beads.
August 6, 2012 at 2:35 pm
Any weird Etsy shit commemorating the Curiosity Mars Rover?
August 6, 2012 at 8:51 pm
Bah, you didn’t need to goatse up a fake logo. The actual London 2012 Olympics logo is bad enough. It looks like Lisa Simpson giving someone a blowjob.
August 6, 2012 at 9:20 pm
That’s one way to get a pearl necklace.
August 6, 2012 at 10:42 pm
Wait. There were other ways?
August 6, 2012 at 11:21 pm
Diving.
August 7, 2012 at 12:02 am
Phelps looks Baked.
August 7, 2012 at 7:29 am
I’m going to go against the grain here – I think the Phelps one’s concept is good. I can’t judge painting for shit, so make fun of the technique all you want, but I could see it as him being trapped by his fame. Swimming made him famous, but it also has put a lot of restrictions on him and in some ways made his life a box. I think the concept is thought-provoking at least.
But please continue on the mock fest, especially that horrible baby shirt.
August 7, 2012 at 3:59 pm
August 7, 2012 at 7:05 pm
The balance beam seller is offering a sweet discount!
“WHEN CHECKING OUT, ENTER “REGRETSY” AS YOUR COUPON CODE AND GET 10% OFF YOUR ENTIRE ORDER. OFFER VALID FROM AUGUST 6 – 10, 2012 ONLY.”
August 8, 2012 at 5:30 am
Eric Hayden. God, he was something. I had his Amex ad photo of him in a speedo up in my office to combat the St Pauli girl posters that my officemate had over his desk. And yes, all the engineers in my group felt inadequate so my work was done.