Things I can’t believe someone bought
This post first appeared on Regretsy on July 14, 2011.
It’s pricey, but you get to keep the nits.
Click through to see the giant fur-lined vagina.
LIKE I HAVEN’T SAID THAT A MILLION TIMES
I feel like I saw this on Treme.
Poor London.
When you’re done wearing it, you can go trawling for shrimp.
Raving for Muppets.
Seems like a crate would be cheaper. Plus you could hang a water bottle on it.
August 4, 2012 at 10:02 am
Well…Maybe their mothers love them and want to encourage them to craft. You know it’s hard to keep your kids off crack.
August 4, 2012 at 11:29 am
Epic hat, every teachers dream!
August 4, 2012 at 8:51 pm
Now I know what I’M wearing the first day of school, those kids will be too scared to say boo for a month….I just hope no one thinks it’s real leopard.
August 4, 2012 at 12:06 pm
Looking at these things I think they have already found the crack.
August 4, 2012 at 10:06 am
My Puppy’s safeword is “Ruh-Roh”
August 4, 2012 at 10:08 am
It says puppy cage, but….let’s be honest. Look at those knee pads.
August 4, 2012 at 10:30 am
“Who wants the rolled up newspaper? Who wants it? Bark! Bad dog! Bad, bad, naughty, sexy, dog! Bark for me! Okay, chew-toy time…”
August 5, 2012 at 12:49 am
I thought that was obvious from it being suspension rated- even in an S&M dungeon I doubt someone would be cruel enough to put a dog in a suspended iron maiden.
August 5, 2012 at 12:37 pm
Looking at his etsy page, and considering his account name is “bonds of steel” it’s hard to see how he could be any more honest.
August 5, 2012 at 2:20 pm
There aren’t many 300 pound dogs in the world whose back legs bend that way.
Did I say “many”? Typo. I meant to say “ANY”.
August 4, 2012 at 10:10 am
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August 4, 2012 at 10:15 am
I have a small screen, so I only saw the first part of the “Rotten Teacher’s Pet,” and I thought, “Oh, that’s kind of a cute little gift… wait–headpiece!?”
That thing is probably three times the size of her head.
August 4, 2012 at 10:19 am
That puppy cage is something I could have gone my whole life without seeing.
August 4, 2012 at 10:19 am
Oh so that cage has “no weight limitations”?!?!?! What the fuck. So I could suspend it and then hang a helicopter from it? There’s no such thing as no limitations. Tell people what it is actually rated for if you think they might hang it somewhere! My angry email finger is itching to send this seller something. I’m going to go dunk my finger in gin instead, that always soothes most of my itches.
August 5, 2012 at 9:15 am
Saying that right in the product documentation is really like throwing down a gauntlet to your audience. ‘No limitations, eh?” they say. ‘We’ll see about that.’
August 5, 2012 at 12:25 pm
Well, he also says that it fits people up to 300 lbs.
August 4, 2012 at 10:21 am
“this brave beauty has a tube that allows direct access to her finger-puppet heart. pump it, pump it”
hahahaha…that has got to be the best description ever! Pump it, pump it! (from the chicken heart doll).
And I am SO disappointed that there is not an action shot of someone IN the puppy cage. I’d say there needs to be a reward for the first person to find a picture of someone in that contraption!
August 4, 2012 at 10:34 am
I only see one potential opening there, so I’m guessing the way to her heart is through her hoo-ha. I think they’ve got it backwards.
August 4, 2012 at 11:07 am
The way to my umm… heart is through a pitcher of margaritas.
August 4, 2012 at 4:48 pm
I’ve heard of the plushie fetish. I’ve heard of monster movie and film memorabilia collectors. However, until this doll, I had yet to realise that there were people who masturbated to Guillermo del Toro movies.
I could go the rest of my life without seeing this puppet again, and I would be okay with that.
August 5, 2012 at 12:42 pm
That chicken makes the fuckable My Little Pony plushie seem almost normal (almost).
August 5, 2012 at 7:57 pm
I could understand someone growing romantically fond of a sentient, live (if fictional) creature, but THE CHICKEN IS PLUCKED AND DEAD oh my god fuck you Etsy I need to go take a second shower EWW EWW EWW.
“A++, would buy again” from the hardcore Silent Hill fanbase, I would guess.
August 4, 2012 at 11:11 am
I know–the mastery of saying it without SAYING IT: pump it, pump it, indeed!
August 4, 2012 at 11:51 am
“she is cuddly and soft and would love to bond with you in a way that makes you both go ‘pitter-pat’”
August 4, 2012 at 12:08 pm
Must be one looonnngg tube to get all the way up to her heart.
August 4, 2012 at 10:21 am
I’d like to meet the person who bought the puppy cage.
August 4, 2012 at 10:33 am
check Craigslist.
August 4, 2012 at 10:46 am
ME TOO!!
8 D
August 4, 2012 at 11:41 am
I bet you would you dirty, dirty…
August 13, 2012 at 7:31 am
I know people who would love that puppy cage, try fetlife. Do not underestimate what kinksters with extra cash are willing to spend it on. I know people who have spent thousands of dollars equipping their dungeons. BDSM in generally is not a cheap lifestyle.
August 4, 2012 at 10:25 am
The Rotten Teacher’s Pet would be cute, if it wasn’t used as a headpiece.
August 4, 2012 at 10:30 am
You know, I will say that the kitty outfit would be awesome for drag. Or for burning. I could see myself wearing to my hometown church’s Christmas Eve candlelight service if I really hated my parents.
August 4, 2012 at 10:38 am
Raving muppets?
August 4, 2012 at 10:45 am
or, you know what, this is probably more like it:
August 4, 2012 at 11:09 am
My childhood has been soiled for your entertai….
bwahahahahahaha. no. can’t keep a straight face. this is too funny. multithumbed!August 4, 2012 at 10:45 am
I have a few students I would like to make wear that hat….
August 4, 2012 at 11:02 am
Hmm so this is what happened to Timmy after all those years with Lassie.. I always wondered.
August 4, 2012 at 11:06 am
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August 4, 2012 at 10:09 pm
Apart from my accidental double-postings having one of the two down-rated by others for convenience, this is the lowest scoring comment I’ve made so far. And I didn’t even post a pony to go with it…
I don’t give a shit about the rating, I’m just perversely curious what makes this one worse than the Michael Jackson morgue photo.
August 4, 2012 at 11:32 pm
it’s cos it’s not full of quick thought, puns or snark or irony.
[what i said isnt either, you know, but i thought you wanted a real answer so i done give it. tired, here.]
August 4, 2012 at 11:08 am
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August 4, 2012 at 11:39 am
The Chicken Heart Doll takes up to 9 inches WIDE? ….just….WHOOOOO???
August 4, 2012 at 11:46 am
It’s the tail on the leopard hoodie that sold it, you know. Simply flip that hood up and your head is converted to an ass. In that instant, it’s as if anyone who looks at you can see into your very soul.
August 4, 2012 at 12:15 pm
The Doc Martens the Leopard Princess is wearing has that added flair.
August 4, 2012 at 11:56 am
I am just…flabbergasted! I have seen a lot of strange, gross, and just plain effed-up stuff on the Internet, but for some reason the chicken doll and the “puppy” cage just made my stomach turn. Maybe I’m getting too old for the Internet… *sigh*
August 5, 2012 at 9:23 am
The puppy cage is weird, but I can understand the motives of the person who would use one. Well, the part of me that would never spend $1,500 for a giant, otherwise inexplicable piece of bondage furniture can’t understand, but the part of me that knows different folks require different strokes is not having trouble with it.
The chicken doll, no. If you bought that, the FBI should know who you are, if only to save them time later.
August 4, 2012 at 12:01 pm
Oooohhh.. the chicken heart “doll” is going to show up in a nightmare sometime in my future.
August 4, 2012 at 12:12 pm
Not sure if it is better or worse that her “friend” in the last pic doesn’t even have a head.
August 4, 2012 at 1:34 pm
Yeah, it IS very nightmarish!
Scary that we could be walking amoungst people who actually buy these things! Esp. Chicken heart and the puppy cage…omg.
August 4, 2012 at 12:11 pm
Please provide your own padlocks? You pay nearly $2000 and the cheap bastards can’t give you a couple of padlocks?
August 4, 2012 at 12:13 pm
On second thought, where exactly would you put padlocks?
August 4, 2012 at 12:21 pm
What would PETA have to say about the puppy cage?
August 4, 2012 at 12:53 pm
PETA members buy this to be able to build real empathy with tortured cage chicken. For feeling like lobsters, they buy net shawl things. The fake leopard hoodie
shouts PETAspeaks for itself.August 4, 2012 at 1:31 pm
I can see PETA members doing just that! F*ck PETA!
August 4, 2012 at 1:08 pm
Doggy wants a bone?
August 4, 2012 at 1:29 pm
I wouldn’t want someones nasty, “upcycled” matress foam anywhere near my head!
August 4, 2012 at 1:55 pm
Don’t worry, she used the unstained part.
August 4, 2012 at 1:38 pm
So the Eraserhead baby was Female!
August 4, 2012 at 2:20 pm
Mommy horse has a nice pair of balls on her too!
August 4, 2012 at 3:44 pm
Horse balls are further back and not visible from the side–that’s a sheath, a sort of natural banana hammock for boy horses.
If you really want to be generous, it could, conceivably, be an udder. They’re also usually a little bit further back between the hind legs and not visible from the side, but most mammals’ mammaries are bigger and saggier when actually being used for their intended purpose, so maybe. I’ve never actually been up close and personal with a nursing mare’s udder, though, so I can’t say for sure that it looks anything like that.
August 4, 2012 at 10:49 pm
Nursing Mare’s Udder is my new favorite Scene band!
August 4, 2012 at 5:05 pm
I can’t believe it’s been a year since the chicken heart doll. I’m still terrified, and nauseated.
August 4, 2012 at 7:23 pm
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August 5, 2012 at 10:58 am
Why does card carrying, certifiably insane bullshit always get blamed on a priestess?
August 20, 2012 at 12:14 am
There are only two things I look forward to every year: pumpkin season and the Abu-Ghraib sample sale.