FIVE MUST-HAVES ON ETSY
1. A CANDY BOX FULL OF WOOL BECAUSE YOU’RE DIABETIC
2. A WOODEN COMB HOLDER BECAUSE YOU DON’T HAVE A SINK
3. A TOILET SEAT WITH KATY PERRY’S FACE ON IT BECAUSE YOU’RE ON TEAM RUSSELL
4. A CELL PHONE BEAN BAG CHAIR BECAUSE YOUR BLACKBERRY IS TIRED
5. FLIP FLOP WINE COASTERS BECAUSE YOU’RE DRUNK
August 2, 2012 at 10:03 am
I want the Katy Perry toilet seat cover so I can have an excuse for missing the toilet!
…aside from..not being a guy and all that.
August 2, 2012 at 11:12 am
Same here, but personally I would pretend it was Zooey Dechannel instead of Katy Perry…
August 2, 2012 at 12:11 pm
There’s a difference?
August 2, 2012 at 11:29 pm
Physically, only a few cup sizes… But Zooey has Etsy mentality! You know she would think everything in this post was positively ‘neat-o’ and wonder why we were all so mean!!
August 2, 2012 at 11:24 am
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August 2, 2012 at 12:53 pm
Well, I like that you are participating at least…
August 2, 2012 at 1:26 pm
Not really. Here at Regretsy not everyone gets a ribbon or a trophy. When thumbs down predominate we put our hand to our mouth to hold back the condescending laughter and send you on your way with a hearty “namaste bitches”
August 2, 2012 at 6:18 pm
I love the Regretsy school of comedy. The harsh yet loving audience is the best possible training for being funny on the internet that you can get. The only better training involves testicles, jalapeno peppers, and secret midnight rites that you can’t talk about unless you actually get accepted into The Groundlings.
August 2, 2012 at 6:19 pm
Wow. I haven’t seen someone use “NOT!” in any serious way in a long time. I can see why that one faded.
August 2, 2012 at 12:59 pm
I dunno… I think I’d rather have a Rick Santorum seat. Just seems appropriate?
August 2, 2012 at 10:03 am
These sellers have really upped the WTF quotient.
August 2, 2012 at 10:40 am
they are ALL “BECAUSE YOU’RE DRUNK”
August 2, 2012 at 1:32 pm
spalted? Really like dalmations?
August 2, 2012 at 10:03 am
You know my boyfriend was saying recently that he had fantasies about me sitting on Katy Perry’s face, do you think this is what he meant?
August 2, 2012 at 10:12 am
Of course it is. You can make all his fantasies come true, then he can make YOURS come true. So go ahead and order that Yoda buttplug while you’re at it.
August 2, 2012 at 10:58 am
Slide in easily, it does.
August 2, 2012 at 3:12 pm
be sampled this needs to!
August 2, 2012 at 10:49 am
He might have just wanted you to stifle her caterwauling.
August 2, 2012 at 10:03 am
I always eat the entire contents of a candy box. This will not end well for me.
August 2, 2012 at 10:11 am
mmmmmm … FIBER!
August 2, 2012 at 11:03 am
You’ll have rug blockage.
August 2, 2012 at 11:28 am
Dunno about lavender. Wouldn’t it be kinda like warshing your mouf out with dishwashing soap?
August 2, 2012 at 6:23 pm
I for one am in favour of rug-munching. Just not the kind that involves useless vintage boxes and fibre samples.
August 2, 2012 at 10:04 am
What the fuck is a wool rug block?
August 2, 2012 at 10:21 am
A small square of wool felt used to make wool rugs using colonial needle work methods also called rug hooking.
August 2, 2012 at 10:22 am
Renting said rugs out for a short time, on the other hand…
August 2, 2012 at 10:58 am
Wouldn’t that be “rug pimping”?
August 2, 2012 at 12:41 pm
Don’t suggest pimping a rug to Etsy sellers or you don’t know what might bedazzle you next
August 2, 2012 at 7:26 pm
Wooly bits for hookers, a.k.a. sheep-fucker candy?
.
.
.
Apologies to sheep made to order.
August 2, 2012 at 10:22 am
It took a lot of work, but I found out she lists the box of candy/rug blocks as “curious and fun items” Apparently the wool squares are for rug making, who knew?
August 2, 2012 at 6:16 pm
So…she didn’t know what they were for, either?
August 2, 2012 at 6:25 pm
If you view a box of rug blocks as “curious and fun”, I need to hang out with you- I will impress the shit out of you constantly. I have a collection of pennies in a jar that will surely dazzle and delight, and lint in my pockets that will blow your mind.
August 2, 2012 at 10:05 am
What in the hell? A $25 comb holder? A bean bag cell phone chair? What is this world coming to??
I’m going to go play Rock Band with my kids…
August 2, 2012 at 10:38 am
It’s like the stupidity of the Pet Rock, but multiplied a thousand times.
August 2, 2012 at 10:37 pm
I guess people just had to come up with more useless shit to fill our empty sad lives.
August 2, 2012 at 10:05 am
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August 2, 2012 at 10:09 am
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August 2, 2012 at 10:13 am
Wait, cum can’t be put in the compostables bin? I’m sorry, Gaia.
August 2, 2012 at 11:23 am
I save mine in a jar and take it to hazardous waste disposal.
I’m a responsible citizen.
August 2, 2012 at 10:06 am
Can I get Mitt Romney instead of Katy Perry? He would fit in better with my crapper decor
August 2, 2012 at 10:47 am
Would this do?
https://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/s720x720/418314_4423814198523_463428169_n.jpg
August 2, 2012 at 1:06 pm
I wouldn’t want Mittens looking at my junk. Or Katy Perry, for that matter. Having two cats who compete to sit on the toilet and stare at me, unblinking, every time I’m in the bathroom is unnerving enough.
August 2, 2012 at 10:08 am
I want 2 items – the comb holder and the bean bag chair for cell phones. I want the comb holder because the person who picked out the sink in my apartment was insane, and chose a model that does not accommodate any objects along the side (they all slide off into oblivion). If I only had that comb holder, the comb I perpetually lose would finally stand above the HUGE MESS in my room and I could comb my hair.
And the bean bag chair – C’mon, it s a BEAN BAG CHAIR. For your cell phone. As a child of the 60′s and 70′s, I NEED THIS.
August 2, 2012 at 10:57 am
I’m going to get an 8-track tape player installed in my iPhone.
August 2, 2012 at 2:21 pm
Huh. I checked, and they really do have an app for that… “RetroTunes” by Maverick Software LLC. XD
August 2, 2012 at 10:10 am
Why is Katy Perry wearing a Starfleet uniform? TITS or GTFO!
August 2, 2012 at 10:13 am
I imagine the above average Etsy seller having a constant internal monologue of, “Look at all this great shit just SITTING in my Great Aunt’s basement! I must give it new life! I must share it with the world! I must charge appropriately for my GENIUS! SHIT I JUST CAME.”
August 2, 2012 at 10:16 am
Don’t compost it!
August 2, 2012 at 7:30 pm
Make soap with it!
August 2, 2012 at 10:14 am
The blank eyes are more like “Katy Perry possessed by the Devil”
Honestly? I think we should take up a collection and send this to Russell. It might make his bum happy.
August 2, 2012 at 10:14 am
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August 2, 2012 at 2:19 pm
Was this supposed to follow the tune of the song… or was the “Last Friday night” opening just a delightful non sequitur?
August 2, 2012 at 10:17 am
I am horrified- HORRIFIED to admit that I actually own a beanbag chair for my phone. That I paid for. With real money. No wonder I am slowly drowning in debt.
August 2, 2012 at 10:34 am
Sorry! Lol
August 2, 2012 at 10:20 am
Etsy is being used to help Chinese factories get people to also buy their surplus rug blocks, combs, toilet seats, blackberries and stemware! What a bunch of tools.
August 2, 2012 at 10:20 am
I pissed a girl and I liked it.
August 2, 2012 at 10:23 am
Why don’t the dang links work today??? My damn cellphone NEEDS beanbag chair!
August 2, 2012 at 10:24 am
They need Katy Perry toilet targets that you drop in the bowl so men don’t miss. Now, those suckers would SELL.
August 2, 2012 at 10:32 am
Six dollars for shipping that candy box, and you still don’t wind up with any chocolate. I’ll take my curious and fun ass to See’s for a better deal.
August 2, 2012 at 10:36 am
I’m pleased to know that my kids can sell off my hoarder craft stash after I’m dead.
August 2, 2012 at 10:36 am
Okay, I think you all are a little short sighted. That comb holder is EXACTLY what Etsy looks for for the Front page!
August 2, 2012 at 10:56 am
Spalted maple from Cranberry Township, PA could be the new barnwood.
August 2, 2012 at 10:37 am
I’m a little embarrassed to admit I kinda like the beanbag thing, but the rest, definitely WTF?
August 2, 2012 at 10:40 am
Those wine coasters are pretty much the worst thing. Anyone who’s anal enough to make people use coasters with wine (seriously?) is going to be pissed when, predictably, the wine glasses fall over because you’re trying to balance them on fucking crochet.
August 2, 2012 at 11:39 am
Oh, I don’t know, I think they’re like a very genteel breathalyzer. If you can’t balance the wine on the kitschy-ugly coaster, no car keys for you.
August 2, 2012 at 11:54 am
It strikes me that they could be a homage to April’s Etsy admin avatar…
August 2, 2012 at 12:59 pm
Then it would be a fascinator, not a coaster.
August 2, 2012 at 12:14 pm
That was my thought, too. It’s not a horrible idea in principle, but doing it with lumpy yarn is just going to make the glass unstable.
August 2, 2012 at 1:06 pm
Flip-flop coasters are actually A Thing.
http://www.perpetualkid.com/drinkwear-carrie-and-co.aspx
I dunno about doing them in yarn, though.
August 2, 2012 at 2:25 pm
Uh, awesome? Should totally bring some of these to some French restaurant.
August 2, 2012 at 7:45 pm
I don’t even think these should be socially acceptable in Australia. You’d have to be so close to the beach your wine tasted of brine.
August 3, 2012 at 8:01 pm
I actually know someone who is anal enough to always insist people use coasters for their wine glasses. It makes no sense to begin with. Coasters are to protect your surfaces from condensation. Wine glass bottoms shouldn’t have any, unless the wine was really cold and the bowl part sweated a lot, but I’ve never seen that happen. I mean, if someone is going to spill their wine, a coaster won’t help.
But those crochet things won’t even lay flat for the picture. And they don’t look like flip flops, and they are going to fall off.
August 2, 2012 at 10:42 am
I think the bean bag chair for my cellphone is a brilliant idea! The tush of my poor cellphone was getting really uncomfortable on my desk and now it can be happy and stop complaining about how much its butt hurts.
August 2, 2012 at 10:53 am
Siri can be such a whiny little bitch.
August 2, 2012 at 10:58 am
I want to buy one for the people in the apartment above mine. Right now, it sounds like they keep their phone directly on the floor. On vibrate. And never answer the endless motherfucking stream of calls.
August 2, 2012 at 11:08 am
That’s not a phone and it won’t stay in the beanbag while running without a harness. *awkward*
August 2, 2012 at 11:22 am
Are we sure that’s a phone you’re hearing?
August 2, 2012 at 11:30 am
And why is the ring tone the first couple lines from “The Immigrant Song”?
August 2, 2012 at 12:27 pm
Hitachi calling…
August 2, 2012 at 3:29 pm
By the sound of it, the device is sitting directly on their tile floor. The noise isn’t being muffled by, say, a set of labia majora or the walls of someone’s colon.
So, if it is a vibrator…they’re using it wrong.
August 2, 2012 at 3:36 pm
I wish they would insert the thing into one of their orifices, actually, just to dampen the noise (so to speak).
August 2, 2012 at 9:29 pm
Check your ceiling carefully. They could be drilling a series of peepholes in their floor…
August 2, 2012 at 10:55 am
Once when I was dating Mothman he gave me a candy box of wool. It’s the thought that counts, you know.
August 3, 2012 at 6:20 am
Oh that Mothman–he’s so dreaaaaamy…
I’d date him myself,
but my handknit sweaters would be too much a temptation. Bit of a twist on the Sweater Curse–Instead of him breaking up with you once you finish the sweater, I’d break up with him after he ate it.
August 2, 2012 at 10:59 am
the bean bag is pretty cute I have to admit, and not totally useless.
But did anyone else look at the “coaster” and get a mental image of all their stemware breaking cause bumpy yarn sounds like a bad idea to balance a full serving of wine in a delicate bowl balanced on a thin stick of glass? Especially when you factor in drunk people.
Also, yarn coaster for wine glass needs the following tag line
“For when your stemware just looks too classy!”
August 2, 2012 at 1:36 pm
I have to agree. I’m going to have to make one now. I use my cell phone as my timer and bringer of all things musical, so having it propped up like that would be quite useful.
August 2, 2012 at 11:23 am
AccidentalWorkshop crocheted a thong for this pterodactyl in about 5 minutes flat, but she was stone cold sober.
That would have nothing to do with anything, except that thongs and flipflops are both things you see on drunk girls at the beach.
(inspiration for the pterodactyl’s thong from this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHpDPuh8A2Q )
August 2, 2012 at 11:28 am
What a coincidence! I just ordered a book on making plush dinosaurs. We should totally open a prehistoric Victoria’s Secret!!
August 2, 2012 at 11:33 am
I would totally dig that.
- A Paleontologist
August 2, 2012 at 12:27 pm
It would be epoch
- A Geologist
August 2, 2012 at 12:38 pm
You guys crack me up!
- A Chiropractor
August 2, 2012 at 12:42 pm
Good. The dinosaurs will have thongs to wear when they take saucy pictures of themselves for carbon dating sites.
August 3, 2012 at 11:43 am
That idea is not half-baked
—The Chef
August 3, 2012 at 11:45 am
“I think it sucks”
—- The Charlie Sheen
August 2, 2012 at 1:07 pm
Plus thong sandals is another term for flip-flops.
August 2, 2012 at 1:36 pm
I was just having this conversation with someone the other day. When I was a kid, we called flip-flops thongs all the time. One guy in middle school used to call them ‘titties’. At least, I think he was talking about flip-flops.
August 3, 2012 at 6:23 am
AAAAH! It’s enchanting! Just like the Oatmeal’s MF’ing Pterodactyl!
*swoons*
August 3, 2012 at 9:51 pm
AN OATMEAL TRIBUTE. I NEED TO BUY THIS THING NOW, UNDERWEAR INCLUDED.
In all seriousness, if you could somehow get the motherfucking pterodactyl sellable, I would buy this here and now for my boyfriend. We are both huge fans of The Oatmeal. Same goes for a Bearodactyl, if anyone can make it.
August 2, 2012 at 11:31 am
All this time I’ve been neglecting the ergonomic needs of my phone by letting it sit directly on my desk. I’m a tyrant.
August 2, 2012 at 11:34 am
Your samsung is going to file for worker’s comp.
August 2, 2012 at 1:44 pm
Probably unionize. They’ll all demand bean bag chairs now because of this.
August 2, 2012 at 12:08 pm
I am ashamed to admit that I have a family member who not only would be thrilled to get flip flops for her wine glass but would probably wear matching ones as she drank from it. That is if past family parties are any indication of future behavior.
August 2, 2012 at 12:15 pm
It’s like they took everything my weeeeeird great aunt ever thought about buying or making me for my birthday and put it into one great Etsy collection.
August 2, 2012 at 1:38 pm
GUISE! THERE ARE SO MANY COLORS!
http://www.etsy.com/search?q=bean%20bag%20phone%20chair&view_type=gallery&ship_to=ZZ&min=0&max=0
I know I’m not the only one that thinks the beanbag thing is cute and almost useful. You’ve already admitted it above.
August 2, 2012 at 1:47 pm
Well, hey, it wouldn’t be the first time something sold because of Regretsy! Go on and get it with your bad self!
August 2, 2012 at 7:58 pm
Why stop at phones? What other inanimate objects can we create furniture for? Scissor beds? Stapler chaise longues? Eyeglass beds?
August 2, 2012 at 2:13 pm
HOLY SHIT I NEED THOSE FELT THINGS. RUG BLOCKS. WHATEVER THEY ARE, MY LIFE IS INCOMPLETE WITHoutblehdddddallsdasbdslad
oops, couldn’t finish overly sarcastic statement.
August 2, 2012 at 3:17 pm
I do not have a problem with the crocheted flip flop wine glass identifiers. I have seen them before and they are, quite honestly, gosh darn cute. However, I do have a problem that they are so badly made. For $15, I could churn out at least 20 or more of these little suckers and it wouldn’t take the long to do either, at least, not on this quality level.
August 2, 2012 at 4:36 pm
As someone who lives near but not in Cranberry Township, PA, I am gratified to see that some of the woods being destroyed for McMansions has found some sort of second life. Or better yet, if the wood came from a McMansion being destroyed to build a new road outta ‘burbland.
August 2, 2012 at 6:00 pm
I really don’t think I should encourage my Blackberry to get stoned and watch TV all day.
August 2, 2012 at 7:33 pm
I took a $hit and I liked it…
August 3, 2012 at 5:44 am
My coworker is constantly using tissues and stuff to get his iphone at the right angle so he can watch movies during breaks and especially monotonous tasks, so that would come in handing for him. I do doubt it’s ability to actually hold the phone at that angle, though. i imagine it’d slowly fall backward.
August 3, 2012 at 11:48 am
Could be useful for making homemade porn with your Iphone
August 6, 2012 at 7:03 pm
“A CELL PHONE BEAN BAG CHAIR BECAUSE YOUR BLACKBERRY IS TIRED”
I read that in Mitch Hedberg’s voice.