The first one is probably the scariest thing I have ever seen! What is that on there? Lungs? Placentas? An ass with a snake?
I actually like the labor things, but I freely admit to being one of “those” women.
It’s a fetus’s feet, wrapped in a crown of thorns. Because unborn baby Jesus was aborted for our sins.
Thanks for the interpretation, because I sure as hell didn’t get it.
Whoa now, I never claimed that I “get it.” If that’s something someone can get, I sure as hell don’t want it!
No worries, I hear there’s a topical ointment for it now, OTC.
oh god, it’s contagious?! I think I’m going to go scrub with lysol
inorite. I thought maybe it was supposed to be my Fallopian tubes wrapped around my shriveling ovaries.
What’s important is the knowledge that the “pro life” artist is also undoubtedly a passionate supporter of food stamps for hungry children and moms, high quality day care, top notch public education for all, child wellness for all, and universal ob-gyn for all pregnant women.
Because these pro baby people care so much, right?
I just spent the last three days doing my best to engage in the politest debates possible with pro-lifers. I mentioned the forced abortions in China and emphasized the need for awareness about the cost of introducing new lives to the world.
It did not end well, but your comment is a balm to my soul.
I applaud for even attempting to debate them (polite or not). I usually see something like that, and leave it. My blood pressure just can’t take it.
Pre-born: you’re ok. Pre-school: you’re fucked.
Also I’m sure this person has several adopted kids, or is a foster parent. Because nobody would be irresponsible enough to encourage people to keep children they can’t raise and just “put them up for adoption” without doing their part to make sure there actually were enough safe, stable homes for all these children.
Exu Oba’ Wura’ has an enormous schvanstukka
Wow, you’re good. I thought it was a rogue octopus hugging two artists’ palettes after someone shot a hole in a grave marker.
I salute your fast typing and good spelling.
That sentence reads like a poem. A strange and confusing poem.
I thought it was stick bugs fucking on two painter’s palletes on a “t” with a gunshot wound because ooooh, look! – Shiny!
I see bloody feces on feet and/or Eggos. But unless we can get a hold of some Sudafed and drain cleaner, I don’t think we’ll ever know.
Remember how good “pre-meth ingredient change” Sudafed was? Me neither – it was that good!
You can still get the “good” kind from the pharmacist. You just have to ask.
And sign over your name, address, and privacy rights.
and pledge your first-born child
Some days, they could HAVE my first born child. Mostly when he’s being kind of a dick.
You can, but I really hate being treated like a criminal because I need a decongestant for my allergies.
It’s a bit of a Rorschach – someone needs to psychoanalyze us all based on what we see. I saw a pair of lungs tied with rope, and was trying to figure out why that would be a pro-life thing. I mean, my life is better with lungs, and I’m certainly pro-that, but in the context of the usual meaning of “pro-life”?
I also saw organs. Bloody organs?
I saw a flattened pair of gum wads, with carpet fibers stuck to/across them. Perhaps that means I need to vacuum under the couch?
I saw flip-flops and intestines.
The Mexicans call it menudo.
I saw baby footprints that people sometimes get, surrounded by blood vessels like they were being grown in a uterus. I think this suggests that I only like material baby things, and I wish to grow those things inside of my uterus.
I saw lungs as well and started thinking it was a “Smoking Kills” type thing.
I also saw the lungs, but they were tied together with the large intestine.
I saw lungs wrapped in Alien (TM).
I see amoebas wrapped in barbed wire. The little dots at the top are their vacuoles.
Yea I see that now. That’s exactly what it looks like.
Paramecia, people, Paramecia! Amoebae look like cartoon splats.
Thank you for explaining that. I thought they were flip flops.
I’m with you… bloody, barbed wired-wrapped flip-flops, because that was the “hobo sign language” symbol used in the 30′s denoting a pro-lifer’s house up ahead.
SUPER DUPER JOB!
sweet fetus jesus! is going to be my new exclamation
Are you sure he’s sweet, though? I’d have thought he’d taste like chicken, just like everyone else.
Humans taste like pork, though.
sweet and sour then
Not if he’s made of shortbread.
Huh, upon second glance I see that that’s right. My first glance left me with the “lungs and arteries” impression.
Damn it, Zippy was right! Abortion humor doesn’t get love until Friday!
well, now i know what to get for my next tattoo!! and i’m speaking of the quote about unborn baby jesus, not the cross.
It’s the inside view of the chestburster.
I kinf of like the labor things, too. But in order to properly commemorate my daughter’s birth, I need the one that’s screaming THE NEXT FUCKING CUNT THAT TELLS ME TO PUSH GETS KICKED IN THE HEAD.
My midwives loved me.
I made my ex scream like Mickey Mouse. And talk like him for a few days. I also gave a death glare to the gyno who chirpily said, “good morning! How are we today?” “Leave, unless you want to sound like HIM”
I need one that’s screaming “Where the hell is that damn nurse with my damn stadol?” (After having received two doses of stadol).
I’d like the “water birth” version as an ashtray, if I still smoked. I’d still kind of like it…I could fill it with red jellybeans.
You scare me a little bit.
I have no kids but if that water birth one is correct you grow flippers while delivering?
I think it’s aborted, crucified bear feet/paws with bloody pretzels on them. Cause nothing says Pro Life like bloody pretzels, crucifixion and bear paws.
I think the labor sculptures are actually pretty cool too:) The rest of that shit though, just kill it with fire:-p
I thought it was diseased kidneys at first. I still like that interpretation better than the “real” one.
They look like placenta sandals.
How could you NOT want that last one? “A large penis is always welcome.”
I really like how the labor sculptures include the phase of labor where the mother’s thighs are consumed by her pendulous belly. Birth is truly a miracle.
Why would you not want that last one in your house?
Because – if you’re a guy – it would immediately invite comparison from your date, possibly setting hopes a tad too high and/or leading to rather judgmental comments later in the evening.
As PJ O’Rourke said about cigars – Never smoke anything bigger than your dick – especially if there is an old girlfriend in the room.
A big penis is only welcome in my house is a usable form!
OhHowMyBrainHurts, I was thinking the same thing. I have been in need of some “energy work”!
For the last one, “The penis is mightier than the sword”. Except that the statue is holding a penis like a sword, beside his penis.
Oh god, now I can’t unsee it.
…Along with a few barrels of ice, of course.
“I really like how the labor sculptures include the phase of labor where the mother’s thighs are consumed by her pendulous belly. Birth is truly a miracle.”
Now wait just a con-sarned minute here! I know for a FACT that, at 44 yrs of age, I am NOT pregnant! But my belly still does that thigh-consumption thing.. Of course, I’m a bit of a fat-ass, so..
“A large penis is always welcome.”
Not here, it isn’t.
Size isn’t what’s important – fit is. It’s like buying shoes. Not much fun trying to cram a size 10 foot into a size 6 shoe.
is that thing supposed to be transgender? i see boobs – am i wrong?
Well it’s supposed to represent human sexuality and I think the boobs are the artist’s half-hearted attempt to do a little something for the ladiez.
Oh, come on April – that last one would make a great coat/hat rack!
Finally, I can hang up my 7′ tall cousin’s floor length trench coat and not get dust on the hem.
omg, just started dating a very tall guy. definitely going to point that out to him….
I find it amusing that the Pro Life thing looks like it’s covered in discarded fetus scraps.
They use every part of the fetus, so nothing goes to waste.
That’s how you can tell they’re a Pro.
Discarded Fetus Scraps LLC is the name of my new film production company. Weird.
Red Male Exu seeking a Woman, must have giant vagina. Text me!
I thought it looked like HellBoy, Jack Skellington and Ron Jeremy came together in some kind of unholy threesome and this was their love child.
Goddamit. There aren’t any comments up here yet, and I am rendered speechless mostly by the “wishful thinking” statue in the last image.
I’ve seen Howie Mandel standing next to some big dicks before but this one takes the cake.
I want the last one more than anything.
Damnit, I was wondering where my travetine sweats walked off to! It’s impossible to keep a good side table from going walkabout.
The table screams mob wives of New Jersey.
She gets to stay classy classy with the marble and her made man gets to sort of jokingly tell his, um, compatriots “see what happens when you piss me off?” every time they stop by.
not only will you be turned into a table that is ugly as sin, but I will ensure your colours clash
Now, that’s going TOO far! It’s bad enough getting your legs re-purposed, but the color clash?
You. Sick. Bastard.
This table scares the crap out of me, AND that travertine is not set properly (from what I can tell). I’m disgusted, horrified, and offended by the carpentry job.
The best part is that it only says what the TOP is made of, as if no one is curious about the bottom.
I’m Italian and this mob reference sounds extremely funny to me: maybe you’re not aware of the fact that a) travertine used to be a very common decorative material in Rome – you can still see many buildings with travertine decorations – and that b) one of our main police forces, namely the Carabinieris, wear such kind of trousers when dressed in uniform. So this really looks like a Mafia man’s table! Brrrr. Very bad taste.
I love how depressing the women-in-labor sculptures are. One woman needs consoling; one is trying to drown her newborn; and the last one is having the same nauseated reaction I had when I first saw the sculptures.
It’s all in the interpretation, isn’t it?
They forget to sculpt a laboring woman who is crying out in wild agony and desperation for an epidural.
…and one depicting her facial expression when the nurse says, “Sorry, I can’t give you a cervical — there’s no cervix left!”
Also the one where birth complications ensue. RIIIIIP.
Too dark? I’m all for midwives and home births and such, but make sure a damn EMS is on standby!
Midwives work in hospital births as well as home births, in which case you get a midwife with an OBGYN on standby.
The birth ball” one looks like she has just done to much housework or too many shots and is trying to throw up.
Yeah, the one with the “ball” looks like a goddess vomiting on the earth. (Could explain Newark though).
That’s what I was thinking. My kid is 30 years old and these sculptures took me right back to every broken glass labor pain, migraine vomiting and deals with the devil for morphine. They should have a copy of these in every high school counselor’s office- or better yet in the bathrooms where most of the breeding takes place.
OK, how’s this for a wedding present: a pillow with flaps on the front that seal with velcro, concealing a soft-sculpture vagina. The flaps are lined on the inside with red embroidery of flowers. On the morning after the wedding night, the flaps can be ripped apart and the pillow will remain as a proud reminder of the wedding night and the bride’s joyful surrender…with a loop so that the pillow can be hung on the door to let the world know of a successful consummation.
How about it?????
Probably a market for that with the Twilight fan-base. More so if you find a clump of faux-fur “wolf-hair” or maybe a spill of glitter inside the flaps.
Whatever happened to the good old days when they just hung the sheets out the window to indicate the wife wasn’t a virgin anymore? Simpler times. I wonder how often ketchup was used to appease the neighbors and Jesus.
Ketchup doesn’t stain that well, turns too yellow. Chicken blood was the usual method, since slaughtering a chicken for dinner happened so often that it wouldn’t be remarked upon.
And nobody squawked?
I’m pretty sure the chicken did. Briefly.
Oh that joke if fowl.
Just make it a vagina pillow, preferably plush, and I’m sold!
And, if you take that seriously, God help you!!! Just trying to get into the spirit of the stuff on this page……
The bathtub must be from Kohler’s new “Ed Gein Collection.”
No, no–it’s the “Jeffrey Dahmer Collection. You’re confusing it with J. Crew’s “Ed Gein” Ladies Suits.
the only thing 2 men in a bathtub evokes for me is Loriot:
English subtitles, but you might need to understand German humour
You’re kiln me, Lemon Bombs. Someone should get fired over this.
Come on now, don’t sling mud.
I am enameled by your wit.
It was just a little slip up
Just what you need when you’re pottering around the house.
Oh my lord, that last one…
Under the circumstances, this seems oddly appropriate
I can add him to the things I don’t want in my house list. That photo is just plain creepy
The dismembered, shit-smeared guys in the crooked tub full of gelled chemical toilet fluid and blood needs a better marketing strategy. I suggest “Rub-a-dub-dub, Pass the Fucking Eye-Bleach!”
Or, “Rub-A-Dub-Dub, ARMLESS MEN WILL EAT YOUR SOUL.”
H P Lovecraft called, he wants his inspirational sculpture back.
Armless but anatomically correct.
What the everliving FUCK is an armless doll man? The seller seems quite familiar with the term.
I’m betting they are missing their kidneys as well.
Their kidneys might be the things on the cross in the first one.
Is it bad that I kind of want the men in the bathtub piece for my bathroom? I would totally be in on it for like $15, but definetly not $65, it doesn’t match my sea life bathroom that well.
If you could extend “sea life” to include scurvy-afflicted seamen in a leaking lifeboat cannibalizing each other one limb at a time to stay alive, then this would fit right in! But no, not for $65.
Damn, you almost had me sold, but maybe at $25 now. Still not $65.
how dumb do you have to be to pick the arms first? I mean, seriously, they just made their cannibalism that much harder.
I cannot stop LOLing at the leg table. That would be a fabulous thing to have for your bowl of candy by the door at halloween.
I want the bathtub to fill with candy for halloween
Is that supposed to be Jesus’ Lungs? Is this an Anti-Smoking pendant?
the last picture of a Wing Man, and a Guy Who Doesn’t Need a Wing Man, right?
Now to figure out which is which….
I’m not sure if that last guy is bragging or showing the world what he’d like entering one of his orifices. (Having seen guys who decorate their homes around their obsession with big dicks, it wouldn’t shock me.)
The pregnant lady to the right looks like she’s vomiting on Iceland.
Assuming that planet is Earth. I’d hate to think her face was shoved in Ur- never mind.
Wait… so the giant red demon with boobs has a giant red penis, and is also HOLDING a penis? what a penis hog.
I haven’t said “penis” quite enough yet. Penis. Penis penis penis.
Okay, I feel better.
You forgot one. PENIS.
See? Mine’s bigger than yours!
I remember when Lorena Bobbitt made the news, and I joked that this was a chance for the newspapers to shout, “HEY, AMERICA! PEEEEEEEEEEENIS! PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS PENIS!!!!!!!”
At least, that’s what I thought. Never saw so many mentions of the schlong in the “legit press” before.
It’s a shame penii never caught on. *winces*
On the contrary, they’re more popular than ever.
Never caught on what? (rimshot)
One in the pink, and one in the stink?
I’d buy that table. I’d keep it behind a curtain in a slightly darkened room with just the ends of the shoes peeping out, and wait for the panicked screams of guests.
Isn’t the first one a pair of kidneys?
I just want to know what kind of “energy work” Exu is good for.
Also, is it realistic to think Exu would be circumcised? I need verisimilitude in my hyperbolic male/female energy demongods.
ExXON does energy work and is good for fucking over the environment and all of us. So there’s that.
I call shenanigans on “Exu Oba’ Wura’”. I don’t think he’s canonical. “Most unique in entire world” = we made him up just for an excuse to make this statue. Maybe you’re allowed to make up new orishas but I wouldn’t want to chance it…you might piss off Ochosi or something.
All Google results for “Oba’ Wura’” are the same statue by the same people. For instance, this Craigslist listing with MULTIPLE INCREDIBLY LARGE AND SHINY CLOSE-UPS. You have been warned.
Ah, yes. Florida. That explains everything.
Oba Wurang K-nobbie
From these pictures, I see not only does it have a vagina underneath the giant wang, but that the tail on the reverse is also a wang.
So, triple wang, one vagina, and boobs that are very high up on the torso… not sure where to go from there.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Haitian_mythology I call bullshit based on Wiki! I wish I could remember the name of the one who’s supposed to have an enormous, rodlike erection…where did my voodoo textbook go? *rummages*
No, I wouldn’t want the Demon-Penis sculpture in my house either. But, on the front lawn, it would certainly keep the Jehovahs away.
Oh no it wouldn’t. They’d take it as a thrown gauntlet, and they’d be drawn to your house from all over the region.
It *might* keep the Baptists away. Maybe it’d be good repellant for the more timid Mormons. But the JWs love a good challenge.
Hell yeah! I got one that writes me personal letters when I don’t open the door during her Tuesday proselytizing. Nothing stops them!
I told one nicely but firmly that I was an atheist and that my religious family had been unsuccessfully trying to reconvert me for years, so I didn’t want to waste her time. She agreed that I obviously wasn’t going to change my mind, gave me a pleasant goodbye, and nobody ever came back.
So maybe some of them are reasonable.
Not true. I once opened my door to a pair of them, with my finger marking my page in a book I was reading called “Modern Magic”. It had a Vitruvian Man in a pentacle on the cover, which they could see as I opened the door.
They started their speil, though one looked concerned at the book, and I said, “Sure! But first, I’ve been wanting to try this on someone all day. Let me know when it starts to sting!” Then I flipped the book open to where I left off, and started reciting the Hebrew Blessing of the Bread prayer. I wasn’t even half way thru and they were down two flights of stairs and running for their lives.
Never saw a single JW at my door again, until I moved out of state.
You deserve a cookie. Hey, why not two!
fresh baked cookie!
Damn you. Now I have an urge to bake Oatmeal Cranberry Citrus cookies, but I’m out of butter.
I had a dog who knew Hamotzi, whenever it was said she would sit up because she knew a piece of bread was heading her way (she loved bread)…
And I want bread, too. But not the store-bought crap.
My best friend and I really freaked out some Mormon missionaries once. We were just leaving the house when we saw them coming on their bicycles. Without missing a beat, my friend grabbed me, dipped me down and kissed me passionately on the mouth. (Yes, we’re both female, no, we were not involved.) One of the Mormons almost ran into my Dad’s car. They never came back.
But I bet they had some innnnteresting dreams for a while!
We had a neighbor when I was a kid who was a member of some obscure Christian sect, and she’d invite them in for cookies and coffee, and debate theology with them. She must have been pretty good at it, because they stopped sending the young folk to talk to her, and she ended up debating the church elders instead.
Me, the only way I got them to go away was to answer the door in my bathrobe and pretend to be sick.
My hubby once answered the door to them while naked. He stands 6’2″, at the time was working out regularly, and had just gotten out of the shower, so you can imagine their reaction when he stood there in front of them, talking as if everything was perfectly normal. And then he got an erection (he was young and terminally horny, then).
Had JW’s so eager to convert me the other day they attempted to run me over.
I was wearing my whore of Babylon outfit but even so…
I was “raised” as a JW. When I was twelve I had to “go out in service”, which meant selling books in the neighborhoods. So to you who dismiss the JW’s I say, FU! I was out there in my classmates’ subdivisions with my mother and “Sister Connie”, in a long skirt and with a bumper crop of acne. We are strong ass women!
In my neighborhood it would draw a crowd. A crowd of expectant, increasingly impatient suitors.
In my experience, nothing keeps away evangelicals like the pretense of Catholicism.
That giant red penis would make a great hat rack. Think about how fetching it would look wearing a fedora.
And my husband’s drover coat.
Why is there a lady bug under red dudes penis?
I don’t know, but the additional penis head on the tip of his tail seals the deal for me.
What about the additional extra bonus penis head sticking out of the V-neck shirt?
how many penises is that now? I lost track.
Someone obviously has penis envy.
I *think* it’s meant to be a tiny vagina?
Or actually, I think below the ginormous wang there’s a scrotum covered in black mold, and beneath the *scrotum* there’s a teeny tiny vagina.
Gross. Should never have looked at it before lunch.
I refuse to own a table with better walking shoes than mine.
I’d really like to get the last sculpture. My wife can use it in the bathroom as a place to hang her towel while she showers instead of my morning wood towel holder now.
Take the table top off the legs and put them back where they belong – behind the curtains to scare the fuck out of whoever comes home to an empty house late at night. Sticking out from under the bed is also acceptable under these circumstances.
Or hanging out from the closed trunk of your car.
I really can’t believe April wouldn’t want this. So many hilarious possibilities…you could fill a whole YouTube channel just with videos of this thing scaring the shit out of people.
The last one. . . I hate those damn jockey lantern holders old people have in their front yards. I also hate HOAs on principle. This could solve some problems.
! I know! those jockey lanterns make me want to kick them. but they are hard and would hurt my poor foot
Poor travertine tile.
First pic, I thought it was a pair of lungs with bloody phlegm hocked all over them. Never smoke, kids!
Second one, too creepy for words. Third, so tacky it’s gone full circle and become fab!
Fourth, no thank you please.
Fifth, why did the guy shave off his eyebrows? I need to know!
I think April is fibbing and secretly wants all that shit in her house.
Donations for bathtub nightmare/human taxidermy nightstand officially begin NOW. It will be a very merry Christmas in the Killer-Drywall household this year.
I want that fucking table
I wonder if HK has realized that calling something “5 Things I Don’t Want in My House” is basically a guarantee that some of those items are in the mail right now.
Unless that’s her whole plan and she’s manipulating us fools to buy her that stuff! #tinfoilhat
Pro Lifer’s shop looks like “Crafting with Liver”.
Hey, I just realized the Exu has four nipples! 3 wangs, four nips, and one vag. Lots of value for the money.
The pro life lady works along with her mother. Her mother lives in Westboro..Yeah..Westboro..we all know how stable those folks are with their religious beliefs
I want that shoe table. It would make a terrific gift at the end of year anonymous “white elephant” party.
I would of course modify the pant legs to feature our corporate logo.
The Mrs: “Honey, I know we just moved in, but I feel like the place is missing something.”
The Mr: “Do you mean a sculpture of the Devil with a big red dick?”
Mrs: “Oh my God you read my mind! Should he be holding a dildo?”
Mr: “Yes. Definitely a dildo.”
Mrs: “But can we afford 8500.00 dollars?!!”
Mr: “I’ll put the care up for sale on Craig’s List. I think we can both agree that taking the bus is worth it.”
For the Dugger family if the kids ever get into playing with hula-hoops; storage for all of them!
Am I the only one upon seeing the last one immediately thought of HIM:
If I had all the disposable income in the world, I would buy shit like this and videotape myself smashing it. Then send the video to the seller.
Guys, I know I’m late to the party but the artist who makes the birth sculptures has a sense of humor!
When Etsy users choose to get happy not butthurt it is so nice!
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