The Rules
Yesterday’s audio Regretsy was so well-received that I thought I’d share another musical treasure with you.
It all starts with this little book by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider, two Jewish princesses who have made a cottage industry of not sleeping with you. Or as I like to think of it, Cuckolding for Diamonds.
The Rules basically boil down to one thing: pretend to be busy. It seems simple enough, but it’s not as easy as you’d think. Do you answer on the third ring? Do you run around your apartment so you sound out of breath when you pick up the phone? Do you follow him in your car so you can run into him and pretend to be in a hurry to go somewhere else? Or do you just bludgeon him with a tire iron when you find him talking to another woman at Subway? It’s all so complicated.
Fortunately, Sherrie and Ellen have broken it down for us by putting the rules to music. And they really seal the deal by rapping it themselves!
Yo, yo, yo! Straight outta New Rochelle! MC Fein and Mixmaster Schneider in the hizzy!
CHALLAH
Listen girls, pay attention,
There are just a few things here that I’d like to mention
If you’re looking for love and you want a new life
You want to feel good and you want to be a wife
Play it smart, don’t call a man
This is how you do it – you get a plan
Don’t see him too much or move in too fast
You have to play it right if you want it to last
You want a ring on your finger
And a long white dress?
Just do the rules – see him less
Self-esteem, you know what I mean
the truth is there is no in-between
If you want him to really know your essence
Stick to The Rules and get the lessons
Do The Rules, do The Rules
Don’t be fools, just do The Rules
Do The Rules, do The Rules
Don’t be fools, just do The Rules
Listen girl, you think you’re so smart
You think it’s beneath you to play a part
If you chase a man you could end up alone
You’re talking forever? Get off that phone
And don’t you mess with a married man
You better run away as fast as you can
Remember you deserve the best
A man of your own who’ll pass the test
So don’t waste time, because time will fly
Play it cool and you’ll marry the guy
And girl, if he don’t ask you out
Get off your butt and GO WORK OUT
Do The Rules, do The Rules
Don’t be fools, just do The Rules
Do The Rules, do The Rules
Don’t be fools, just do The Rules
And if you want that diamond ring
Don’t chase the boy, just do your own thing
And if he says he’s just not sure
Don’t let him make you insecure
And if he tells you he needs his space
Find someone else to take his place
Don’t let a man play with your head
come on, be smart, stay out of his bed
Put your picture up online
When he finds it you’ll be feeling fine
He emails you it’s the only way
This is how you make him stay
Do The Rules, do The Rules
Don’t be fools, just do The Rules
Do The Rules, do The Rules
Don’t be fools, just do The Rules
If a man’s not yours to keep
Oh don’t you fret and don’t lose sleep
There’s plenty of fish in the sea
Believe in yourself girls, take it from me
He can be cute and he can be smart
But play it cool or he’ll break your heart
If he treats you mean, read the text
Get rid of that man and just say, “NEXT”
I’m outta here!
Do The Rules, do The Rules
Don’t be fools, just do The Rules
Do The Rules, do The Rules
Don’t be fools, just do The Rules
Do The Rules, do The Rules
Don’t be fools, just do The Rules
Do The Rules, do The Rules
Don’t be fools, just do The Rules
Do The Rules, Girls
You’ll get what you want
YESSSSSS
July 25, 2012 at 9:32 am
“CHALLAH” — BWAHAHAHA!!
July 25, 2012 at 9:34 am
Word to your daddy.
July 25, 2012 at 9:34 am
Two women, setting the Women’s rights movement back 50 years. I really really hate these dumb cunts.
Being a stuck up ice queen gets you a douche bag husband.
Congrats.
July 25, 2012 at 9:47 am
Mind, I’m no Wombyn’s Studies major (but I do let my leg hair grow out so there’s that), but I’m pretty sure names like “dumb cunts” and “stuck up ice queen” aren’t exactly furthering The Movement either. I could be wrong, mind you.
July 25, 2012 at 10:06 am
Stigmatizing feminine hygiene products can’t be helping either.
- a douche bag
July 25, 2012 at 10:18 am
Douchebags are useless and bad for women–it’s a perfect word!
July 25, 2012 at 10:22 am
Sad douche bag is sad. And drained.
July 25, 2012 at 10:34 am
Holy fuckstick -THANK YOU for helping me figure out why I have never been offended by that particular phrase.
July 25, 2012 at 1:32 pm
And can exist only by the systematic shaming of women. The phrase douchebag is superfeminist, in a good way.
July 25, 2012 at 10:15 am
Just curious, have you ever read The Rules or the “advice” that these women give?
The words I am using apply to these two women.
“Remember, the first three visits are really nothing more than three dates… and on the first three dates we don’t have sex with a man or have him stay at our place overnight”
“It goes back to the basic premise of The Rules: Man pursues woman.”
“If you’ve followed The Rules, your man probably loves you and wants to marry you. Your problem is not if he marries you, but when! If it’s been more than a year, see less of him and think about dating others. You’ve already spent more than a year waiting for him to propose; do you have another year to wait?”
And that’s just a sample.
I don’t feel I’m being inaccurate in any of my word use.
July 25, 2012 at 11:14 am
Seriously. The “advice” these women give is far more offensive than calling them “dumb cunts”.
July 25, 2012 at 5:26 pm
The advice they give is offensive, but the way you chose to insult them (especially while claiming that they “set the movement back”) is also unnecessarily offensive. Calling a woman a “stuck up ice queen” for having strict rules about dating is pretty much as judgmental as calling her a slut for being faster about dating. I wouldn’t invite these women into my home, and I have no problem calling their work (and them!) idiotic and sexist, but insulting them with OTHER sexist, gendered words is harmful in another way. Can’t you just stick with “idiots”?
July 25, 2012 at 6:28 pm
I could stick with idiots…but I chose not to. For me that is what the women’s rights movement is about choice and equality.
That’s it.
Not being beaten down by the PC police, or fitting into one mold of what an empowered woman is. No.
It’s about being able to speak my mind, and have other speak their mind.
It’s about equality in the workplace (which we have yet to fully realize).
It’s about being able to make my own decisions and make my own judgement.
So Yes…I choose to use the words cunt and ice queen.
That’s my right.
You don’t have to like it. That’s fine with me.
But the idea that feminism is only about embracing our uterus and using beautiful words to describe other women or finger painting with our menses while letting our pit hair grow out…is stupid.
July 26, 2012 at 9:39 pm
You’re using sexist insults. Go right ahead if you want, but calling sexism sexism has nothing to do with some kind of PC police. It’s just the kind of honesty you should expect from people who call garbage garbage, reselling reselling, and hypocrisy hypocrisy.
July 25, 2012 at 8:21 pm
I agree with vivianne. I’m certainly no PC police, you can say whatever the fuck you want; it just sounds really hypocritical to use such terms when talking about “the movement” is all.
July 25, 2012 at 8:27 pm
And I disagree. I don’t think it’s hypocritical at all…considering what the movement is really about, in my opinion.
It’s about Freedom and equality.
Somehow the women’s rights movement has turned into this very PC idea that as women we can only use certain words and can only speak in certain ways.
From my point of view, that’s the opposite of what women’s rights is about.
July 31, 2012 at 3:20 pm
Who needs equal rights when the nourishment of placenta and Xanax are forever?? MOON GODDESS! MOON GODDESS!!
0_o
July 25, 2012 at 8:52 pm
I have to admit, I haven’t read their “rules” but I have met many silly women who can’t seem to be happy unless they have a man. At least they are encouraging them to objectively evaluate men and be prepared to leave them. It’s probably the first step in them realising they don’t need a man to define them at all. Some people need baby steps.
July 25, 2012 at 9:35 pm
But the goal is still marriage, and by extension, still being incomplete without a man.
July 26, 2012 at 2:17 pm
Give bitches rules! Bitches love rules!
July 27, 2012 at 11:08 am
Unfortunately, I did not have “The Rules” when I was engaged to my future husband for three years. I had no idea I was supposed to dump him and find someone else after a year.
We’ve been (happily) married 34 years, come October. Do you think it’s too late to date others?
July 27, 2012 at 11:17 am
Crap. This was supposed to go waaaaay down the page. Not that anyone’s gonna see it, posted two days after the original post. That’s like…six months in Internet Time.
July 25, 2012 at 10:36 am
Words are just words. We’re the ones who give them power. I don’t see anyone crying over calling a stupid guy a dick so why not call these two useless cum dumpsters stupid cunts? I love it and agree. This dating advice is some of the stupidest shit I’ve ever heard.
July 25, 2012 at 10:46 am
Yeah, but kum ain’t Kosher.
July 25, 2012 at 11:32 am
It’s only Kosher if it goes in her vag.
July 26, 2012 at 2:12 pm
I thought it was Kosher to swallow if you’re not treating it as a food product?
July 31, 2012 at 3:21 pm
After being blessed by a rabbi.
July 28, 2012 at 12:46 am
Personally I don’t think we should use the term ‘dick’ as a pejorative either.
Dick, cunt, pussy, cocksucker, pussy licker, all of these things are part of ourselves or sources of pleasure. So why do we use these words to insult each other? I’ve used all these terms as a pejorative myself, but the more I think about it, the more I don’t think I want to anymore.
July 25, 2012 at 12:06 pm
Name calling who needs to be name called doesn’t hurt the movement either.
In fact, the whole “have to be pc, or no one will take you serious as a feminist/woman/whatever, if you use words that have been used to insult women”-shit pretty annoying.
Ever heard of reclaiming words? If gays can do it, why can’t women, for fuck’s sake?
Besides, if a guy’s a dick, I’ll happily call him a dick.
If a dumb cunt is a dumb cunt, I can’t call her one without betraying the sisterhood of womenhood or whatever?
July 25, 2012 at 12:26 pm
“..IS pretty annoying.”
Got lost in my own run-on sentence!
July 25, 2012 at 12:36 pm
Kinda reminds me of the Chris Rock bit about how there are black people, and then there are also N-people, and how black people hate N-people.
July 26, 2012 at 10:05 pm
Reclaiming is claiming a negative term as a positive, like identifying as a dyke (which I do), but that doesn’t mean I can tell other women how to identify. Also doesn’t mean some homophobe using it to mouth off at me is being anything other than a bigoted douchebag, and believe me I can tell.
So in this situation, reclaiming means you get to call yourself a dumb cunt. And invite other people to do it too (you dumb cunt), because you can’t be subtle when you’re reclaiming something with this bad a rap (you dumb cunt). But, my dear dumb cunt, you can’t reclaim a word for someone else. That’s up to them, which is something you’d know if you weren’t a dumb cunt. So you still don’t get to call those women up there dumb cunts, dumb cunt, because they get to choose whether to reclaim it or not (my money’s on not).
But hey, you can proudly identify as a dumb cunt yourself as much as you want, you dumb cunt, and I’ll even try to help out. Am I helping, dumb cunt?
July 27, 2012 at 2:24 am
I know that with words like “fag”, reclaiming meant turning an insult into something positive.
So admittedly, my comparison with that, and the use of the word “reclaiming” was more than just a bit off, and I apologize for misusing it.
The point I was trying to make however, was that I do not think using words like cunt or bitch to describe someone’s despicable behavior is setting the feminist movement back.
I am aware that identifying as something is up to the person themselves.
But calling someone a stupid cow does not mean I think they identify as a cow, just that I think they are being incredibly stupid at the moment. The same, for me, goes for the nastier words.
There are a lot of things society still needs to tackle before we have equality for all genders, but these words are just words, and, again strictly to me, not the main issue.
I realize a lot of people are sensitive about this and if I offended you with my opinion, I’m sorry, it was not my intention.
July 25, 2012 at 10:34 am
I think they set rap back about 15 years.
July 25, 2012 at 10:39 am
Only?
July 25, 2012 at 10:43 am
In rap years, that’s like 150 years.
July 25, 2012 at 12:36 pm
They are like the Vanilla Ice of rap.
Jewish Ice.
July 25, 2012 at 12:51 pm
They are to rap what Arnold Schwarzenegger is to Shakespearean theater.
July 25, 2012 at 11:12 am
Color me confused…was this just written? If it was they are ripping off a book by the same name written about 20 years ago. I went to a thing and the author was there. Just one women who wrote the book not two……and years later she did file for divorce. But the book wasn’t about KEEPING a man…(like who the fuck cares) it was about finding him(like who the fuck cares.
July 25, 2012 at 3:17 pm
Cunts, no. They lack the depth and the charm.
July 25, 2012 at 6:42 pm
And everyone loves a charmingly deep cunt.
July 25, 2012 at 9:35 am
But, wait, I dont understand… If Im not supposed to sleep with them on the second date, then where am I supposed to be getting my sex? If I go too long without it I get the shakes.
July 25, 2012 at 9:38 am
Good, I’m not the only one
July 25, 2012 at 9:38 am
You “Do” the Rules. I don’t know who he is, but he seems to be getting a lot.
July 25, 2012 at 10:00 am
“The Rules” aka Brace, also acceptable “Brace yo self”.
July 25, 2012 at 10:23 am
Ja Rule?
July 25, 2012 at 6:48 pm
I missed all the crapy advice, sadly not the horrendous “tune” by giggling over “just do the rules” “do the rules” “do the rules”
hehehehe
July 25, 2012 at 9:48 am
I always have a fuck buddy to tide me over. As long as you don’t want to marry those particular men I’m still golden yes?
July 25, 2012 at 10:02 am
Compromise–you don’t sleep with him, but with your shakes you can give him an awesome handjob with little effort on your part.
Word.
July 25, 2012 at 10:35 am
or bj?
July 25, 2012 at 10:49 am
Slut! It’s all about how others perceive you—and a LADY can give a guy a handjob and still keep up (sorry) a civil conversation and the other diners at her table need never know.
July 25, 2012 at 11:10 am
I’ll have what he’s having.
July 25, 2012 at 11:49 am
He’s having a hand sandwich.
July 25, 2012 at 1:54 pm
a handwich? hahahaha… no? okay… i let myself out
July 26, 2012 at 2:13 pm
Tell me about it! On the other hand, a shaky hand isn’t too bad for self-application of vibrators and dildos. You’ll want to take something for the shakes if anal beads get involved, though.
July 25, 2012 at 9:36 am
Or you could, you know, just be yourself.
July 25, 2012 at 9:37 am
What?! Men and women treating each other like equal human beings? WTF kind of foundation for a marriage is THAT?!
July 25, 2012 at 9:57 am
It’ll never catch on.
July 25, 2012 at 10:32 am
being equal doesn’t work, but reversed role works. I sit on my ass and do nothing while my hubby do house chores.
July 25, 2012 at 6:52 pm
here here. I think that song is more appropriate for my boyfriend
though neither of us wants to wear a white dress
nor have a blood encrusted diamond
the only problem is when I played he was like, what the fuck is that shit,
July 25, 2012 at 9:47 am
Whatever happened to just being a good old fashioned slut?
July 25, 2012 at 10:05 am
PREACH
July 25, 2012 at 12:44 pm
Hey, it worked for me! I cheerfully slutted it up throughout my 20s. Personally, I think using sex to control men is way squickier than sleeping around. And whaddaya know … I even ended up with a nice husband.
I did dispense with the white wedding dress, though. Hot pink seemed more appropriate.
July 25, 2012 at 9:36 am
Ring tone set. Thanks HK!
July 25, 2012 at 9:36 am
Many thanks for the transcript, I fear it is far too early to find out that I’m doing everything wrong. I always just fuck ‘em on the first date.
Better to find out sooner if he’s a bad lay, right? …Right?!
July 25, 2012 at 9:38 am
Only once did I fuck a guy on the first date.
Just so happens to be my husband of eight years (as of today).
July 25, 2012 at 9:42 am
…who by the way says about your comment, Bajingoism:
“All right! Nice to meet a woman with some sense!“
July 25, 2012 at 9:44 am
He’s a keeper!
July 25, 2012 at 9:53 am
Fuckin’ well right he is.
July 25, 2012 at 10:35 am
It’s our anniversary today, too. Seven years.
July 25, 2012 at 10:39 am
Congratulations!!
July 25, 2012 at 11:17 am
http://forums.regretsy.com/topic.php?id=5929
July 25, 2012 at 11:28 am
WOO HOO! Well done!
July 25, 2012 at 11:36 am
Happy Anniversary April and Bronc, two of my favorite people I’ve never met! Sending love, and hope you’re feeling well, April.
July 25, 2012 at 11:39 am
Forty four years- but I waited til the second date.
July 25, 2012 at 3:18 pm
Congratulations!
July 25, 2012 at 8:13 pm
Congratulations and many happy returns!
July 25, 2012 at 9:42 am
So, your anecdata proves that fucking on the first date is the key to a lasting relationship. The proof is right here, people.
July 25, 2012 at 9:43 am
“Anecdata”. Stealing. YOINK.
July 25, 2012 at 9:53 am
Best new word of the year, but I think only one should be called an “anecdatum”
July 25, 2012 at 10:02 am
I need help with my…. Latin…or…. Greek…. I don’t know what it is, but I know I need help.
July 25, 2012 at 10:09 am
anecdote + data = anecdata. Like slob + blanket = slanket.
July 25, 2012 at 10:21 am
I guess I meant more, where that data vs datum thing comes from. I think it is Latin, but I could be wrong.
July 25, 2012 at 4:58 pm
It’s a portmanteau: A combo of two existing words to make a spiffy new word. Incidentally, the word ‘portmanteau’ is also a portmanteau and was invented by Lewis Carroll in his book ‘Through the Looking-Glass’.
The more you know!
July 25, 2012 at 10:18 am
Actually “data” is the accepted use for both the plural and singular these days (says the market researcher who can’t find a fucking job).
July 25, 2012 at 10:30 am
Maybe on Star Trek TNG! OK, your’re right.
- Tata Channing
July 25, 2012 at 1:58 pm
Seriously, I love it when I learn actual things from Regretsy. Who even needs school?
July 25, 2012 at 8:08 pm
No, not in science circles (says the graduate student who keeps getting ripped a new one for slips of the tongue).
July 25, 2012 at 10:02 am
Just to contribute to the anecdata: I’ve been with my husband for 13 years now, and we didn’t even go on a first date we just went back to my place and had sex.
Now that we have kids we’ve tried “dating” and things always go wrong (fire in a movie theater, hail, flood, back accounts frozen, etc) and I maintain had we dated we never would have stayed together.
July 25, 2012 at 10:11 am
God wants you to stay home and fuck. It’s rare that he’s so obvious about it.
July 25, 2012 at 10:11 am
I’ll contribute to the anecdata as well. My husband of 15 years and I not only had sex on our first date, we moved in together five days later.
July 25, 2012 at 12:44 pm
I laid an American-style shagfest on a Polish immigrant on his first weekend in the US. We moved in together the next day and got married three months later. It’s been ten awesome years.
July 26, 2012 at 4:06 am
Heh. Gimlet I knew that was you from the first line w/o looking at the poster’s ID!
(If you saw Gimlet and her hubs, you’d be jelly. They’re smokin’ hot.)
July 25, 2012 at 9:44 pm
We were close to that – first date sex, co-habitating within a month, been together six years and married for 1 as of last week. When you know, you know.
July 26, 2012 at 2:16 pm
Second date sexy times, cohabitating at the six month mark, and just coming up on four and a half years. The boyfriend before that? Didn’t even move past first base by the time the 1.5 year mark came around. The lesson is that sluts have more fun and end up happier.
July 25, 2012 at 10:16 pm
I’m going to mess up the anecdata! I didn’t sleep with my husband on our first date.
I did move him into my apartment on our 1-week anniversary (weekiversary?), though. He was my permanent bed-mate before he even knew my last name. It was supposed to be temporary, and, well, 7 years later, he hasn’t managed to move out…
July 26, 2012 at 2:28 pm
I started fucking this guy I knew. Like, a lot. Like 2-5 times a day. We weren’t dating, just having some fun while he was visiting from out of state.
And now we’re engaged and live together.
BOOM.
July 25, 2012 at 9:46 am
My two longest relationships got some on the first date.
July 25, 2012 at 10:16 am
Let me rephrase, those were actually SUPPOSED to be one night stands.
July 25, 2012 at 9:50 am
See, I tried that and it never worked, then I tried letting him use the tradesman’s entrance on the first date and BINGO! Married!
July 25, 2012 at 9:54 am
BWA! The tradesman’s entrance. Dying laughing here.
July 25, 2012 at 1:48 pm
I’ve been married to my “one night stand” for almost 13 years.
I did insist he buy me dinner afterwards; maybe that’s why it worked out.
July 26, 2012 at 10:07 pm
I fucked my wife BEFORE the first date. Sixteen years and counting, folks.
August 1, 2012 at 8:14 pm
I fucked my husband on the first date, but I was also 25 and had known him since I was 11. (Mind you we’re both guys, so I have no idea which one of us was supposed to be doing the rules.)
July 25, 2012 at 9:43 am
I didn’t fuck my first husband until we’d been dating for weeks, and I was already emotionally invested. Pity. I really, REALLY should have taken him for a test drive, found out what a lousy fuck he was, and moved on. I’d have saved myself 7 years of emotional battery and rotten sex.
July 25, 2012 at 12:24 pm
Unlike
July 25, 2012 at 12:39 pm
I was torn between giving you a thumbs up for support or a thumbs down for such a bad situation. I went with support.
I’m glad you’re out of that shitty marriage.
July 25, 2012 at 10:44 am
Yup, I once fucked a guy on the first date (seemed fair since he’d driven 100 miles to see me), and we were married a year later. I highly recommend being yourself.
July 25, 2012 at 11:53 am
I didn’t have sex at all in the four years I was with my first fiance back in college.
BROKE UP.
I didn’t have sex with my husband until our wedding night. I was 25, he was 24, first time for both of us.
DIVORCED.
Back with original fiance, had sex within three weeks of getting back together.
HEAVEN.
Two years in, still madly passionate about each other. I don’t know if we’ll last forever or not (who does?), but I’m glad I didn’t wait this time.
July 26, 2012 at 9:17 am
I’ll have you guys know that I actually have a first date this weekend and he is going to be *very* impressed with your advice. lol
July 25, 2012 at 9:37 am
Did anyone else reading that hear it in the style of bad early 90′s rap?
July 25, 2012 at 9:41 am
Fresh Prince steez, for sure.
July 25, 2012 at 9:41 am
Listen to it. It IS in the style of an early 90′s Saturday morning cartoon public service announcement type ad.
July 25, 2012 at 9:43 am
Gah, I just did! Even worse than I imagined.
July 25, 2012 at 9:49 am
There’s an old ad from 1986 for a shitty board game called “Pizza Party” that features rappin’ pizza chefs. I’ve been singing it since then. It’s so horrendous. Here it is:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNcZHDopFb8
July 25, 2012 at 9:49 am
Here it is for anyone brave/foolhardy enough to listen…
July 25, 2012 at 9:55 am
Link me once, shame on you, link me several dozen times, shame on Regretsy.
July 25, 2012 at 10:07 am
Link didn’t show up on the iPad. Had to find it myself.
July 25, 2012 at 10:33 am
You’ve ruined my life. For the briefest of moments I was able to convince myself that this “rap” was just some of April’s vocal hijinks. You know, a parody. I love song parodies, don’t you? Posting the original link, meaning that it’s an actual thing, is more than my fantasy life can take. I hope you’re happy.
July 25, 2012 at 11:37 am
I’d apologize, but I’m afraid I actually feel complimented.
July 25, 2012 at 9:37 am
Listen up, Bitches. I make my OWN rules.
July 25, 2012 at 10:15 am
OK, but I don’t hear you rappin’! Don’t your rules rhyme?
July 25, 2012 at 11:52 am
That’s one of her rules: her rules don’t rhyme.
July 25, 2012 at 11:53 am
Nor do they contain much reason.
July 25, 2012 at 10:20 am
the real question is, did they use “the rules” themselves? and if so, how successful are their marriage?
July 25, 2012 at 10:47 am
WORD.
July 25, 2012 at 9:39 am
Thank goodness I don’t want a diamond ring or a long white dress or to be a “wife.” All that sounds exhausting.
July 25, 2012 at 9:45 am
Don’t worry, I’m sure their sequel will come with a handy, wallet-sized flow chart so you know exactly what to do when you see a man you might not want to have sex with.
July 25, 2012 at 9:57 am
Actually I think their sequel covers how to have sex like a lady which includes staring up at the ceiling and cooing like a pigeon while your mister does his thing. Keep those gloves pearly white ladies!
July 25, 2012 at 10:16 am
Chapter One: Pulling out doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you; Chapter Two: Trimming the hedge “down there”; Chapter three: He’s the man, remember?; Chapter Four: Think of how lucky you are that he let you be underneath him.
July 25, 2012 at 10:16 am
Someone really likes gloves!
July 25, 2012 at 10:08 am
I wonder if they’ll come up with “how to be a gold digger” version or “a trophy wife”
July 25, 2012 at 10:20 am
I’m up for the gold digger version. I tried marrying for love, it was a crock of shit. Now I need someone to leave me a shitload of money for my golden years.
July 25, 2012 at 1:03 pm
I agree – I’ve made it 47 years without being a wife (or mother) and I couldn’t be happier with the situation!
July 25, 2012 at 9:39 am
Pretty funky beats provided by DJ Jazzy Irving.
July 25, 2012 at 9:42 am
The 142nd baddest DJ in the West.
July 25, 2012 at 9:44 am
One of the main things Jewish American Princesses are known for is their amazing sense of rhythm. It’s like second nature to them.
July 25, 2012 at 11:25 am
Frank Zappa had alot to say about Jewish Princesses, but I don’t think these gals would care for that little ditty.
July 25, 2012 at 11:45 am
Yeah, they don’t strike me as Zappa fans in general.
btw- Zappa’s autobiography is one of the funniest books I’ve ever read.
July 25, 2012 at 9:40 am
I’m guessing they recorded this in between their book club and meeting “the girls” at the wine bar.
July 25, 2012 at 10:10 am
And between the divorce proceedings of Miss Fein and her now-ex.
Not a good selling point for the their book, The Rules for Marriage: Time-Tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work.
She spent so much time being “too busy” that she can now spend so much time testing out these selfish, sexist “rules.”
July 25, 2012 at 10:18 am
I’m thinking she has already has a profile on Jdate.com
July 25, 2012 at 10:18 am
http://jezebel.com/5035658/the-author-of-the-rules-tricks-another-dude-into-marrying-her
July 25, 2012 at 9:42 am
Books On Tapes has reached the final frontier.
July 25, 2012 at 9:43 am
I would have loved to have been in the “studio” when they recorded that. How many takes did they do, I wonder? At what point were they like, “That’s the one!”?
July 25, 2012 at 9:46 am
A few more takes wouldn’t have killed them…
July 25, 2012 at 9:53 am
But the complaints would have been pretty epic, I would imagine.
July 25, 2012 at 9:52 am
Have you read nothing? Going after “the one” doesn’t WORK don’tchaknow.
July 25, 2012 at 10:25 am
They knew they weren’t doing another take when they gave up on trying to keep the beat about halfway through the second verse.
July 25, 2012 at 9:47 am
Don’t be a Momzer to Westchester while polishing your jewels in the Hood.
July 25, 2012 at 10:02 am
If this isn’t a euphemism for masturbation I don’t want to know what it means.
July 25, 2012 at 10:09 am
SHHH!
July 25, 2012 at 9:52 am
OMFG this is the first time my ears have bled from reading lyrics! If I had clicked play I think my head would’ve exploded:-p If he doesn’t ask you out, get off your butt and work out? Don’t chase that man if you want that diamond ring… WTF? Really? When did we travel back in time? If you’re “playing it cool” and not readily available but he still needs space, you’re doing it wrong:-p In fact, if you’re reading this book you’re just doing it wrong. Put it down right now and back away slowly.
July 25, 2012 at 9:54 am
Thank god for these women. Without them, I might be listening to all those so-called “experts” who advocate all that “good communication is the key to lasting relationships” bullshit.
July 25, 2012 at 10:09 am
what? I’m supposed to talk to my husband after we’re married? I thought it was his job to read my mind!
July 25, 2012 at 9:57 am
Thank you, ladies. When I find myself single again I shall do exactly the opposite things to what you have suggested. Whew! And I thought the dating world was going to be complicated.
July 25, 2012 at 9:59 am
I…don’t look good in white. Is there a variation on The Rules for those of us who want to get married, but who don’t want white? I mean, is anal permitted if you aren’t going for white anyway? These are the questions Miss Manners never handles!!!
July 25, 2012 at 10:40 am
I’m not sure anal is allowed. Don’t Kosher rules say something about meat intermingling with other things?
July 25, 2012 at 9:59 am
Kabbalah is less mysterious than Madonna makes it out to be.
July 25, 2012 at 10:00 am
The thing about this song that makes me cry the most is how she just can’t stay on beat. That, above everything else wrong with it, makes me want to throttle her. On tempo, of course.
July 25, 2012 at 10:01 am
These two yentas need to have their dermas stuffed and their krep lached.
July 25, 2012 at 10:04 am
I don’t know about you guys n’ gals, but I feel that the absolute BEST method for giving advice is rap.
July 25, 2012 at 10:13 am
That’s what brought me back to the Catholic Church!
Pope Benny-Dogg is the shizzle!
July 25, 2012 at 10:06 am
This book must be the companion piece to the job description I came across today which said “…operate a word processor, personal computer or CRT…” and specified “personal computer experience preferred.” Fortunately they had the good sense to leave out “fetch boss’ coffee like a good little girl.”
July 25, 2012 at 7:34 pm
Operate a CRT? Like, you need to know how to find the power button on a really old monitor?!?
July 25, 2012 at 10:27 am
Don’t mess with a married man, don’t be a slut, self esteem… those are actually good pieces of advice. Pity they reduced it to a race for a diamond. I could’ve almost respected them. Alas…
July 25, 2012 at 10:42 am
it’s beyonce’s fault, her song “single ladies”… if you like it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
July 25, 2012 at 10:28 am
Quite ironic since the girl who wrote this book then got divorced…
But seriously, if you do that, most men will think you are a bitch. I mean, if you don’t him back that usually implies that you don’t like him.
Heck, my ex said that he always thought the girl was supposed to call him first! I mean, some of these guys don’t understand that they actually have to pursue the girl and need a push.
I mean, there are some grey areas to every set of rules. Just don’t look like a desperate stalker or else you will creep him out. I mean, have you ever met some creepy stalker guy who tried to pursue you so much that it scared you away from him, even if he did look really good looking and might have been nice if he didn’t act so desperate?
Yeah, you know what I’m talking about, just don’t be like that…
July 25, 2012 at 7:57 pm
I’ve heard so much stupid advice, like The Rules,” and after a lot of wasted time I’ve found that being nice and kind, and not nagging or expecting a guy to read minds, works like a charm. Women like these act like there’s some kind of secret code when it seems that both sexes just want to be treated well and not be manipulated.
Yeah, and definitely don’t be a stalker. Sanity always appeals.
July 25, 2012 at 10:40 am
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ellen_Fein
Ellen Fein was divorced in 2000, remarried in 2007.
July 26, 2012 at 1:40 am
Well, obviously, she got married and “won”. Shit got boring real quick. Then came the plot bunny for “The Rules II: Pool Boy Edition”. Turned out to be too much trouble. Back to the game she knew she could finish.
July 25, 2012 at 10:44 am
I find it more than a little suspicious that the beat is identical to the one my mother used back in the 80′s, when rapping to my sister and I about the birds and the bees.
July 25, 2012 at 11:01 am
Anyone else not able to play the audio? The player doesn’t show up in either Firefox or Safari. Help!
July 25, 2012 at 11:15 am
It works fine for me, and I’m using firefox on the oldest, most basic piece of shit computer ever made. It’s an “emachines” computer, which I believe was put out by the same company that made Wheatina breakfast cereal.
July 25, 2012 at 11:26 am
Aha! It’s working now. :::Applauds:::
July 25, 2012 at 8:15 pm
Oh my god! emachines! *shudder* I suffered with one of those for two years of college. I can’t believe yours has lasted this long.
July 26, 2012 at 1:42 am
Indeed. I knew a friend who had two of them catch on fire.
July 25, 2012 at 11:14 am
CHALLAH?
Thank you Helen,I snorted Manischewitz out my nose.
July 25, 2012 at 11:27 am
This is beside the point, but I wonder if anyone has started tragicrafting Sherman Helmsley on Etsy yet?
July 25, 2012 at 11:40 am
I had already started because he was in my death pool.
July 25, 2012 at 12:31 pm
What about Chad Everett?
July 25, 2012 at 11:29 am
Unlike yesterday’s offering, I don’t find this bad. Just hopelessly offensive.
July 25, 2012 at 11:32 am
There are some morons who will think they will bag a man just by rapping this song.
BTW, the idea of “bagging a husband” is nauseating. I want a person and a relationship, not a piece of jewelry and an institution.
July 25, 2012 at 11:42 am
As a husband, I agree. We’re supposed to do the bagging. Just kidding- I hate that shit.
I also hate it when dudes call their wives “my old lady”. How fucking demeaning can you be?
July 25, 2012 at 12:32 pm
I know right! How about you find someone you actually like to be around and have a relationship with and not fall into the sociocultural trope of “Oh LOL fat mens drinking beer with each other trying to ignore their skinny hot nagging wives, bitches be CRAZY ya’ll!”
July 25, 2012 at 2:13 pm
Or “wifey”. I hate that expression. It is always assholes who use it too.
July 26, 2012 at 1:50 am
I’m not fond of “hubby”, either. Nor couples who call each other “mommy” and “daddy” when addressing people other than their children.
July 25, 2012 at 8:17 pm
Well in our case it’s a running joke that he calls me his “old lady”, in that he’s actually 19 years my senior.
July 25, 2012 at 7:11 pm
I am pretty sure bagging a man refers to cleaning up the mess after a gruesome killing. That is when I bag a man, I am sure it must be the same for everyone else.
July 25, 2012 at 11:49 am
Sorry if this is off topic, but seeing as news has broken that half of a couple who inspires so much “crafting” on Etsy has broken one of the rules by messing with a married man (I like that rule actually,) when will the TragiCrafting commence? I did a quick perusal on etsy and didn’t find anything. Tumblr, however has some lovely gifs in honor of “Ho White and the Cuntsman.”
July 25, 2012 at 11:54 am
Those two women look so uptight that their teeth may shatter at any moment from the clenched, forced smiles.
July 25, 2012 at 12:41 pm
I’m half convinced this is audio of an SNL sketch with Maya Rudolph and Kristen Wiig.
July 25, 2012 at 1:15 pm
I recently read The Game, and if you think the stuff in The Rules is crazy, it is nothing compared to insane shit that male pick-up artists do. They’ve got step by step strategies, specific routines for specific types of women, etc. I am fascinated and appalled all at the same time!
July 25, 2012 at 1:24 pm
How can so much pain be compressed into one 20-minute song? It was 20 minutes long, right? Or did it just feel that long?
July 25, 2012 at 1:43 pm
The Rules are for women who are bad at sex. If you’re good at sex, do it on the first date. You’ll blow their minds and they’ll put a ring on it before 6 months. Worked for me, anyway. And it’s been almost 10 years now, and I don’t have to hide who I am. A big ole Slutty Mcslut-slut.
July 25, 2012 at 4:37 pm
I had no idea these women were still around. That book came out in 1995. Seventeen years ago. And it was out of date even then. Bad ideas never die. They just get plastic surgery.
July 25, 2012 at 7:23 pm
I remember when the book first came out. I had a friend who thought it was the best thing ever and she read me parts of it. I said that I thought it sounded very manipulative and said that she should ask her therapist what they thought of it. She replied that the book said not to tell your therapist about it. Seriously.
July 26, 2012 at 7:51 am
Da fuq?
July 25, 2012 at 6:57 pm
I am so glad that my only worth in life is to be married!
July 25, 2012 at 10:19 pm
I feel this is relevant:
July 26, 2012 at 2:48 pm
I do wish people (often women but frequently men as well) would realize that marriage is not a goal to reach. You’re not going to have a “happily ever after” life just because you have a ring on your finger. And “getting” a guy to marry you does not mean you will be together forever.
I may be only 27, and have not spent decades of my life with one person, but to me a good marriage is the result of two people with genuine affection for each other, who want similar things in life, and who are grown up the fuck enough to respect and try to understand the other person’s point of view to find a middle ground. A good marriage is about being a team, I think. And that kind of relationship you can’t build with just anybody, and certainly not with somebody you’re tricking into marriage. That will fall apart like a house of cards.
July 26, 2012 at 4:45 pm
Straight Outta Hamptons!
July 26, 2012 at 5:28 pm
There’s plenty of fish in the sea, BUT YOU HAVE TO GET IN THAT FUCKING BOAT AND GO GET THEM NOW! Also, exercise bulimia is the solution to everything.