Grizzlies actually were known for a while as white bears. That’s even how the journals of Lewis and Clark often refer to them. So this works quite well.
I wanted to name my daughter Svetlana but I was blocked by unanimous vetos by everyone else in the family. Not just because none of them could pronounce it properly, either.
Of course you use the picture of the source of the semen, not the actual semen. That’s how you know what traits your teddy bear babies might have passed down to them.
If only Jimmy Carter had been successful in introducing the metric system into school curricula.
Then you would have known how almost all the rest of the world measures it.
Well, use centimeters when the semen peters out. When that happens, try abstinence for about 3- to 5- days (chastity devices help).
Afterwards, you’ll toss the centimeter aside and use a REAL METER to gauge the explosive results!!!
[small print: best wear eye goggles, keep away from furniture, walls, and anything that will stain, wipe all spills immediately upon contact, and allow 10-minutes before repeating the performance followed by 6+ hours of sleep.]
Okay someone needs to actually put a sailor hat or blouse on this thing so that when the seller gets butt-hurt and comes here to complain they will actually understand the problem and either go away and fix the spelling or say “No, I really meant Jizz” to clarify.
Is no one else even a little curious what else Helen found after typing “semen” into Etsy’s search field? Or what possessed her to search for that tag in the first place?
It’s like those farmers selling goat semen and stuff, except it is with teddy bears
I didn’t know there were teddy bear breeders. So that is where teddy bears come from. I mean, I never thought of that. So you mean I can buy this semen to artificially inseminate my female teddy bear from my childhood to make me some little teddy bears which I will in turn sell on Etsy for twenty bucks per bear?
I’ve sometimes heard of what we commonly call “dust bunnies” being referred to as “ghost turds.” I wonder if those bits of fluff left behind by a cheaply made, possibly toxic teddy bear from a country without product safety guidelines could be considered “teddy bear semen.” Hm.
Ah! Finally, the perfect gift to accompany this franchise:
Besides, it’s clearly not semen. Semen doesn’t turn plushies white. (I’d reference FoxWolfie Galen for that one, but it’s probably best I quit while I’m behind…)
July 23, 2012 at 5:57 pm
He would be a white bear. What a coincidence.
July 23, 2012 at 6:13 pm
I think if you wash him, he’s a brown bear. I think the kind of people that would buy him won’t wash him.
July 23, 2012 at 6:14 pm
I’m thinking jizzly bear
July 23, 2012 at 6:15 pm
Holy shit that’s gross.
Say it out loud. So gross.
July 23, 2012 at 6:24 pm
Grizzlies actually were known for a while as white bears. That’s even how the journals of Lewis and Clark often refer to them. So this works quite well.
July 23, 2012 at 7:56 pm
yeah I mean, what’s wrong with a black bear huh..always gotta be bout white bear semen
July 23, 2012 at 10:53 pm
I think this would work better as a Panda Bear – Eats, shoots and leaves…
July 24, 2012 at 2:25 am
They also need to make a pirate and a parrot because “Arrgh every salty seamen needs a parrot”
July 23, 2012 at 5:58 pm
17cm, only $65 and includes tissue? Not a bad deal at all in some circles.
July 23, 2012 at 6:18 pm
It would be a GREAT deal if it also included a Turkey Baster.
July 23, 2012 at 10:55 pm
If you go down to the woods today, you’re in for a BIG surprise…
July 24, 2012 at 12:16 am
Beneath the trees where nobody sees
They’ll **** and **** as long as they please…
July 24, 2012 at 2:30 am
Yes! One of the bears in the Charmin commercials has entered into puberty and is using the Charmin to wipe off something more than his ass
July 24, 2012 at 2:32 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
July 24, 2012 at 4:02 pm
That is a step up from using the nearest rabbit.
July 23, 2012 at 5:59 pm
Usually you can tell what word the seller meant to use…
July 23, 2012 at 6:32 pm
Maybe Simon, as is the name? Or something… *meh* I give up.
July 23, 2012 at 7:44 pm
You read my mind.
July 24, 2012 at 11:55 am
http://www.babynology.com/meaning-semen-m69.html
Best. URL. Ever.
July 24, 2012 at 4:02 pm
Attention Petja! “Semen” is something they name babies in Finland? Really?
July 23, 2012 at 6:00 pm
The seller has to make 6 million of these at a time.
July 23, 2012 at 6:02 pm
Or maybe each Semen bear is made of 6 million pieces. Either way – that’s alot of work.
July 23, 2012 at 6:12 pm
The picture was taken through a powerful microscope and out of all 6 million, this was the only cute (marketable)one.
July 23, 2012 at 6:04 pm
This is what happens when people don’t use Google Translate responsibly.
July 23, 2012 at 6:07 pm
It would appear that “Semen” is one way that the Russian proper name “Semyon” can be rendered in English.
Perhaps not the best way.
July 23, 2012 at 6:39 pm
I too suspect it is a poor transliteration of Семён, Russian for Simon.
July 23, 2012 at 6:46 pm
You can find it in this list:
http://usefulenglish.ru/vocabulary/russian-names-in-english-en
Rendering both Russian ё and е as English “e” leads to all kinds of problems, though most of them are not this hilarious.
July 24, 2012 at 10:49 am
Which begs the question: can one change the size of its smell?
July 23, 2012 at 6:39 pm
Turns out it’s also a Ukrainian boy’s name.
Someday… I may very well be the worst parent ever.
July 24, 2012 at 5:25 am
I wanted to name my daughter Svetlana but I was blocked by unanimous vetos by everyone else in the family. Not just because none of them could pronounce it properly, either.
July 23, 2012 at 6:41 pm
Poor thing. Her teddy bears are actually pretty cute.
July 24, 2012 at 4:26 am
If someone in the UK, etc. buys it, the bear can change his name by deed poll.
July 23, 2012 at 6:16 pm
& “Minishtoff” is whatever this material is:
http://www.romdolls.com/minishtoff/37-minishtoff-312.html
I flunked right the hell out of Russian in college, but I still remember the letters! Sort of!
July 23, 2012 at 6:48 pm
Looks like ultrasuede.
Ew.
July 24, 2012 at 4:28 am
On the paws,I thinks. Then you can tell everyone you clean your glasses with Семён.
Ew again.
July 23, 2012 at 6:06 pm
With a mini What?
July 23, 2012 at 6:15 pm
Minishtoff. It’s a kind of stuffing, apparently, in Russia. Now if it were minishtaff…
July 23, 2012 at 6:26 pm
Russian for “boat wood”
July 23, 2012 at 6:34 pm
You don’t want to get even a minishtaff infection.
July 23, 2012 at 6:08 pm
Of course you use the picture of the source of the semen, not the actual semen. That’s how you know what traits your teddy bear babies might have passed down to them.
July 23, 2012 at 6:10 pm
Hmm that bear’s a little crusty.. I’m surprised the limbs move
July 23, 2012 at 6:11 pm
I can honestly say I’ve never seen 17 centimeters of teddy bear semen before. I didn’t even know semen was measured in centimeters.
July 23, 2012 at 6:25 pm
If only Jimmy Carter had been successful in introducing the metric system into school curricula.
Then you would have known how almost all the rest of the world measures it.
July 23, 2012 at 6:27 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
July 24, 2012 at 1:34 pm
Cubic centimeters, perhaps?
“I need 17 CC’s of Teddy Bear Semen, stat!”
July 25, 2012 at 3:18 pm
semen is measured in pubic centimeters
July 23, 2012 at 6:11 pm
I think they mean Simon. I hope.
July 23, 2012 at 6:15 pm
17cm. That’s about a Lovin’ Spoonful.
July 23, 2012 at 6:18 pm
This will go perfect with my tickle me elmo semen..
July 23, 2012 at 6:21 pm
He’s so cute…let’s call him Spooge!
July 23, 2012 at 7:52 pm
or Squirt.. So tiny and cute
July 23, 2012 at 6:34 pm
Poor thing looks like he’s being choked to death by his bow.
July 23, 2012 at 6:38 pm
Autoerotic Asphyxiation Bear was always the least popular Care Bear.
July 23, 2012 at 6:49 pm
Gaspy Bear sees spots!
July 23, 2012 at 6:54 pm
This is one of the best comments EVER.
July 24, 2012 at 12:25 am
He barely edged out Voyeur Bear, who just makes that whole “care bear stare” bit seem very creepy and uncomfortable…
July 24, 2012 at 5:32 am
Nice one Triscuits!
July 23, 2012 at 6:39 pm
No thats just part of it’s autoerotic asphyxiation feature
July 23, 2012 at 6:42 pm
Upfist for dirty minds thinking alike, Dragon8Lady
July 23, 2012 at 6:45 pm
yeah somehow your reply beat me by 30 seconds…Kind of sick how closely we thought of this comment >:)
July 24, 2012 at 5:36 am
Up fist little Semen bear? Easy there, I haven’t had my coffee yet…
July 23, 2012 at 6:45 pm
Maybe they should rename it the David Caradine Semen Bear
July 23, 2012 at 7:51 pm
the two balls..er..bells..really complete the look
July 23, 2012 at 6:41 pm
I think it’s a ripoff. It looks more like a doggy semen.
July 23, 2012 at 6:43 pm
Dare I ask how you would know…No.. best not
July 23, 2012 at 6:45 pm
I looked at the picture.
July 23, 2012 at 6:57 pm
Okay someone needs to actually put a sailor hat or blouse on this thing so that when the seller gets butt-hurt and comes here to complain they will actually understand the problem and either go away and fix the spelling or say “No, I really meant Jizz” to clarify.
July 23, 2012 at 6:57 pm
This is a plushies wet dream come true
July 23, 2012 at 7:07 pm
For every furry that ever there was
Will gather onto Etsy because
Today’s the day the teddy bears have their oooooorgy!
July 23, 2012 at 7:09 pm
He looks embarrassed! We should leave the little guy alone! Clearly he didn’t mean to do it in public!
July 23, 2012 at 7:59 pm
Could you imagine selling them in stores..? ‘Clean up on aisle 5′
July 23, 2012 at 7:11 pm
Is no one else even a little curious what else Helen found after typing “semen” into Etsy’s search field? Or what possessed her to search for that tag in the first place?
July 23, 2012 at 7:17 pm
In Soviet Russia, Teddy Bear Semen finds YOU.
July 24, 2012 at 4:39 am
YES! It’s been forever since I’ve heard a reference to Yakov Smirnoff!
It’s probably been a while for him, too.
July 24, 2012 at 12:55 am
Someone else submitted it.
July 23, 2012 at 7:17 pm
In Russia, Teddy Bear Seamen’s you:
Also, in Provincetown bears …
July 23, 2012 at 7:19 pm
DAMN, YANKEE. You have to be fast around here.
July 23, 2012 at 7:23 pm
It’s like those farmers selling goat semen and stuff, except it is with teddy bears
I didn’t know there were teddy bear breeders. So that is where teddy bears come from. I mean, I never thought of that. So you mean I can buy this semen to artificially inseminate my female teddy bear from my childhood to make me some little teddy bears which I will in turn sell on Etsy for twenty bucks per bear?
If that is the case, that is worth buying!
July 23, 2012 at 7:55 pm
Just what did you think happens at a Teddy Bear Picnic?
July 24, 2012 at 5:28 am
No matter what clever thing I’m planning to post in a thread SOMEONE ELSE BEATS ME TO IT EVERY TIME.
Well, every time I’m away from the internet for more than 4 hours.
I guess I’ll have to never be away from the Internet again.
July 23, 2012 at 7:44 pm
i think the tissue is provided to wipe your tears when you notice it crunches every time you touch it.
July 23, 2012 at 7:49 pm
$65.00 for some semen? I can get it for free
July 23, 2012 at 8:13 pm
Pedobear’s great, great grandfather from the old country?
July 24, 2012 at 11:17 pm
I was waiting for someone to make a Pedobear joke…
July 23, 2012 at 9:43 pm
Oooh!! It has little brass bells. It’s steam punk!!
July 24, 2012 at 12:13 am
Teddy looks spent
July 24, 2012 at 12:29 am
World’s first teddy bear stud service?
July 24, 2012 at 2:28 am
In all seriousness, though, her bears are really cute! I like Pavlik.
July 24, 2012 at 4:22 am
No wonder she only has 7 in stock at the moment. Yet, I can see some cupcake buying one for their child and forbidding the kid to even touch it.
July 24, 2012 at 5:49 am
Goldilocks says, “This bear’s too soft, this bear’s too hard, but THIS bear is juuuust right!”
July 24, 2012 at 6:01 am
That Goldilocks was a slut.
July 24, 2012 at 6:00 am
I’ve sometimes heard of what we commonly call “dust bunnies” being referred to as “ghost turds.” I wonder if those bits of fluff left behind by a cheaply made, possibly toxic teddy bear from a country without product safety guidelines could be considered “teddy bear semen.” Hm.
July 24, 2012 at 10:44 am
Ah! Finally, the perfect gift to accompany this franchise:
Besides, it’s clearly not semen. Semen doesn’t turn plushies white. (I’d reference FoxWolfie Galen for that one, but it’s probably best I quit while I’m behind…)
July 24, 2012 at 11:20 pm
It’s now been fixed. I hope she gets a sale out of it at least, because her stuff is cute.