ETSY Is My Safe Word
This post first appeared on Regretsy on August 12, 2011.
July 11, 2009. The first time I got chained to the basement wall and had clothespins on my tits.
GOOD TIMES
98 comments on ETSY Is My Safe Word
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July 21, 2012 at 5:32 pm
Next up, 50 Shades of Grey pillow set…
July 21, 2012 at 6:32 pm
You laugh. I did a search on Etsy for “Fifty”, since my brother is turning 50 next year.
Apparently BDSM is the new cute.
July 21, 2012 at 6:36 pm
Sampler: BDSM Is the New Cute
July 21, 2012 at 6:42 pm
…And there’s my brother’s birthday gift!
July 21, 2012 at 7:07 pm
I once knew a girl who thought Steampunk and BDSM were the same thing…
July 21, 2012 at 7:17 pm
According to Etsy logic anything can be steampunk…
July 21, 2012 at 7:26 pm
If you go into Michaels, they have a “Steampunk collection.” It’s in the jewelry aisle. When I looked at it, it was a lot of octopi, pieces of license plates, broken glass, spare gears you could glue onto things, etc.
I don’t even know what Steampunk is anymore…
July 21, 2012 at 8:39 pm
I dunno, based on my experience with nothing but this website, you could make a pretty sweet ugly dreamcatcher with those materials.
I’d make some, but my supply drawer is pretty full. I heard people called them ‘junk drawers’ back in the days before glue guns.
July 21, 2012 at 9:21 pm
I was recently in Michaels. I too looked (out of curiosity) and now I don’t even know what it is! It seems to have morphed into anything you want to slap the word “steampunk” onto! The new “vintage”?
July 21, 2012 at 10:16 pm
I don’t think anybody ever really knew…
July 22, 2012 at 7:23 am
I think Michael’s is jumping on the etsy tag trend “vintage punk goth industrial steam-punk recycled” jewelry supplies full of owls and octopi and bits of hammered metal
July 22, 2012 at 8:30 am
I also came across an article on steam powered vibrators. (No pun intended). Something tells me a random Etsy-er has yet to see the “Infernal Devices”?
http://blogs.laweekly.com/arts/2010/08/steampunk_dildos_by_lady_clank.php
July 22, 2012 at 8:57 am
Be sure not to turn the self-cleaning feature on until you are done. Wait, these are powered by the other kind of steam, phew.
July 22, 2012 at 9:11 am
Heh, Zippy… I did find… the actual steam powered vibes (can we say “ow”?!) here: http://gizmodo.com/5466997/the-steam+powered-vibrator-and-other-terrifying-early-sex-machines-nsfw
July 22, 2012 at 9:30 am
I’m stokin’ for some strokin’ and the safe word is “PHWEEEEEEEEE!!!” Because that sound means the boiler’s about to burst and it’s time to GTFO.
July 22, 2012 at 9:43 am
Is such a geek that my first reaction after readin was to object to Buck Rogers being used as a pun for her sex toy names, THAT’S NOT STEAM PUNK! STOP MIXING GENRES!
I worry myself sometimes.
July 21, 2012 at 7:51 pm
Yup. Sampler. With lots of dildos, handcuffs and butt plugs on the border.
July 21, 2012 at 6:43 pm
Several of my pillow sets are 50 shades of grey. I really should do laundry…
July 21, 2012 at 5:35 pm
“Maya Angelou” is my safe word. It’s a long story…
July 21, 2012 at 5:43 pm
Really? My safe word is unicorn…
July 21, 2012 at 11:35 pm
Is this a Wide Awake reference? Because if so, my snarky internet worlds collide!
(For those who don’t know, Wide Awake is a Twilight fanfic in which Bella conceptualizes orgasms as… shiny, white unicorns.)
July 22, 2012 at 4:41 am
No… I just think it is hilarious to scream “Unicooooooorn!!!!”
July 21, 2012 at 6:42 pm
I think Etsy actually will be my safe word from now on. It’s really perfectly suited to the task – short, clear, and anyone screaming Etsy! during sex has a problem whether they recognize it or not.
July 21, 2012 at 7:52 pm
What a co-incidence. Mine’s “Edna St. Vincent Millay”.
July 21, 2012 at 8:01 pm
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July 21, 2012 at 10:27 pm
outta here?
July 22, 2012 at 5:10 am
Actually that response was in error. The one below uses the same word but has a link to a YouTube video of an urban legend about a guy whom ARMAGEDDON was his safe word. It’s a story that has been a meme since it appeared on the USENET at least as far back as the mid 1990s.
Going by how my comment rated, it looks as though some don’t find it funny. I almost couldn’t breathe I was laughing so hard at that video.
July 21, 2012 at 8:02 pm
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July 21, 2012 at 5:37 pm
I’d like to have the pillow in “Dark Submission” and the lettering/numbering in “Christian Grey”
July 21, 2012 at 5:40 pm
Or how about “Sanguine”, to match your “Red Room of Pain”?
July 21, 2012 at 5:37 pm
My boyfriend’s name is Shane, and my name is Megan. We can already foresee the problems we will have when we have our wedding -_-
July 21, 2012 at 7:06 pm
Slone??
July 21, 2012 at 7:21 pm
Lucky for you, the woman’s name is first on all wedding related printing!! So it’ll be M&S!
July 21, 2012 at 7:38 pm
M&S = Master & Slave
They’ve got you coming and going!
July 23, 2012 at 3:22 pm
This isn’t just any wedding, this is an M&S wedding…
July 21, 2012 at 9:40 pm
I should also mention his last name is Mahorney….. so there’s that………….
July 21, 2012 at 10:32 pm
In related news: If Jessica Biel doesn’t name her kid Batmoe we all lose.
(stolen)
July 22, 2012 at 12:13 pm
Batmoe Timberlake?
July 21, 2012 at 5:53 pm
These days my safe word seems to be “Damn! Forgot to buy more batteries.”
July 21, 2012 at 10:39 pm
Mine is “Hey, are you done in there yet?!!”
July 21, 2012 at 5:53 pm
I will use these to soothe my milky white ass after a hearty spanking!
July 21, 2012 at 6:47 pm
Oh, stop it. You’re getting me hot.
July 21, 2012 at 7:17 pm
Your ass is milky white after a spanking?
July 21, 2012 at 7:24 pm
Yeah, I’m trying to figure out what color it is before the spanking.
July 21, 2012 at 9:56 pm
Translucent?
July 21, 2012 at 5:57 pm
Oh my god, this would be perfect for remembering that semester that I took Statistical Mechanics!
July 21, 2012 at 6:01 pm
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July 21, 2012 at 6:03 pm
You know, the dungeon looks better with pillows. Why don’t we place them near the sling, Sir?
July 21, 2012 at 6:29 pm
Is your dungeon furnished with that most devious of all torture devices…THE COMFY CHAIR???????
July 21, 2012 at 6:46 pm
No! Not.. the COMFY CHAIR!!
July 21, 2012 at 7:56 pm
And only a cup of coffee at 11!!!
July 21, 2012 at 9:56 pm
And when you’re done with that rack – do the dishes, slave!
July 21, 2012 at 6:06 pm
“July 11, 2009. The first time I got chained to the basement wall and had clothespins on my tits.”
OMG, You too?! At least your safe word wasn’t “Stop, Please God Stop”
I won’t be making that mistake again.
July 21, 2012 at 6:27 pm
Mine was, “Harder, and up the ass!” What a boner THAT was.
July 21, 2012 at 6:39 pm
I’m so sorry I can only click the thumb-up button once.
July 21, 2012 at 6:14 pm
Really, being chained to the basement wall with clothes pins on my tits would be an IMPROVEMENT over the hell my marriage is.
July 21, 2012 at 6:48 pm
Ouch. So I take it you two no longer push the twin beds together for sexy times?
July 21, 2012 at 7:07 pm
Considering he’s 200 miles away spending the weekend with his mistress, what do you think?
July 21, 2012 at 7:59 pm
Oh, dear.
I’m so sorry to hear that.
When I found out my (now ex) husband was cheating, my first call was to a divorce lawyer.
My mother loved him and stopped speaking to me for years.
July 22, 2012 at 12:21 am
Well, there’s mistress, and then there’s Mistress…
July 22, 2012 at 7:30 am
Years ago I found out my sons father was cheating on me with some junky punk slut… I threw furniture at him and hit him with a frying pan… would you like me to do that? I am some what of an expert now, it’s all about timing your swings
July 21, 2012 at 7:20 pm
One time I tried to sleep on a bed with the twin beds together and I fell threw the crack in between. I could not imagine what it would be if that happened during sex.
July 21, 2012 at 8:19 pm
I had to do that on my honeymoon. Turns out romantic old Europe didn’t want me to get any.
July 21, 2012 at 11:15 pm
One time I slept on a bed between twins and together we felt our cracks …
July 21, 2012 at 6:33 pm
good grief…this led me to search ’50 shades of grey’ on etsy….thats a deep, dark rabbit hole if there ever was one!
July 21, 2012 at 6:35 pm
THIS is the first you’ve heard of that publishing phenomenon (and “phenomenon” doesn’t equal “quality”)? Wow. I’m impressed.
Any chance you’ve never heard of Snooki? I’m looking for a new role model and if you can answer “no” to that question, you’re going on the short list!
July 21, 2012 at 6:45 pm
I’ve heard of “Snooker”, and “Snoopy”. Any combination of those two words holds no interest for me.
July 21, 2012 at 7:19 pm
I’d watch Snoopy play Snooker any day.
July 21, 2012 at 7:21 pm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Snooki
[ducks into nearest military bunker]
July 21, 2012 at 8:40 pm
I’m sorry. My computer doesn’t let me click on Wikipedia. It’s a defense mechanism, I think.
July 21, 2012 at 7:18 pm
Mugsy,
For what it’s worth I have never heard of it either. But I spend my days with a six year old reading books about fairies.
I do know there is such a person as Snookie but I. Found out about her when she was parodied on South Park.
July 22, 2012 at 1:40 pm
This is all you need to know about it: Gilbert Gottfried Reads Fifty Shades of Grey
Also, it started out as Twilight fanfic. If you don’t know about that either, count yourself extremely lucky.
July 22, 2012 at 5:45 am
Fine. Before today, I haven’t heard of either one. Count me among the role models if you like. But, since I have now “read up” on these, does that now count me among the debauched, and therefore no longer a role model?
Once I know about “50 shades of grey” and “Snooki”, I can’t exactly “un-know” these things.
July 21, 2012 at 6:37 pm
lol! no i have read the books, i was just naive enough to think there wouldnt be anyone trying to make crappy junk on etsy based off of them.
July 21, 2012 at 6:40 pm
You’re new here, aren’t you? Welcome.
Not only will people make and try to sell crappy junk based on them, people will take things that have no realistic connection at all (man’s gray tie, perhaps) and give it a 50 Shades of Grey tagline, just to get you to their shop. Sometimes they don’t even try to tie (sorry) the object to the tag.
I notice you didn’t comment about Snooki. Oh, well, my search goes on…
July 21, 2012 at 9:32 pm
“Tag whoreing”?
July 21, 2012 at 10:49 pm
God hates tags.
July 21, 2012 at 10:49 pm
Every time the books used the phrase “kinky fuckery,” all I could think of was whimsicle fuckery, and how the trilogy wasn’t even that.
July 21, 2012 at 6:40 pm
for instance, if you search under ’50 shades…’ this gem can be found for a measly $1,500.00. http://www.etsy.com/listing/104358386/christian-grey-has-nothing-on-kinky?ref=sr_gallery_5&ga_search_query=50+shades+of+grey&ga_view_type=gallery&ga_ship_to=ZZ&ga_min=0&ga_max=0&ga_page=0&ga_order=price_desc&ga_search_type=all
July 21, 2012 at 7:29 pm
I guess it doesn’t matter to this “artist” that art historians think that the significance of the nipple tweaking means she’s pregnant. Who cares what art historians think? Damn it, I say it’s fetish so it’s fetish!
July 22, 2012 at 7:47 am
To be fair to the artist, that’s some obscure symbolism right there. To be fair to the rest of us, the artist’s whole ‘shocking the squares’ schtick isn’t all that clever. “Christian art history turned on its head”? Yawn.
July 21, 2012 at 6:43 pm
My safe word is, “Ow! You’re on my fucking hair, GET OFF ME!”
A little wordy, but hey, it gets the point across.
July 21, 2012 at 6:45 pm
lol! no, not new, i usually just st back and laugh and keep pretty quiet. (the alcohol and sleep deprivation tends to limit my typing skills.) i sell on etsy and i am rarely surprised at the depths people will go to to try and market their crap.
i have heard of that snooki skank, but incedentally dont watch that show, never have even seen five minutes of an episode.
July 22, 2012 at 5:25 am
Just spent a long time looking through your shop, snowingstars. I really wish I weren’t broke right now, or I would be again. Gorgeous stuff!
July 25, 2012 at 10:20 am
thanks! nice to know i can still get checked out once in a while, even if it is just on etsy…
July 21, 2012 at 7:25 pm
Etsy is a sad, sad place.
July 21, 2012 at 8:26 pm
So…would selling something as “vintage S&M” qualify you for a foot-in-mouth award?
July 21, 2012 at 8:34 pm
I think this person should get together with the previous “beyond the walls” seller and do pillows with the inmates number.
July 21, 2012 at 8:37 pm
I realize that this is off topic but is anyone else stunned that we have not yet been treated to samples of Etsy tragicrafting based on the Colorado shooting?
July 22, 2012 at 2:43 am
Maybe not now but wait until the anniversary, then it will be flooded.
July 22, 2012 at 2:45 am
Ok, I was wrong.
http://www.etsy.com/listing/104927554/colorado-will-remember-bracelet-07-20
July 22, 2012 at 5:22 am
To be fair, by Etsy standards, this is downright restrained. It’s not a wall-clock and the seller is donating at least some of their profits to the victim fund, which more than can be said for your average tragicraftard.
July 22, 2012 at 9:06 am
But still, opportunistic to the point of obnoxious?
July 21, 2012 at 9:30 pm
I thought these things looked like fluffy tombstones, but people tend to think I’m morbid. I have no idea why.
July 21, 2012 at 10:24 pm
We hand-embroidered pillowcases in girl scouts. It sucked, but at least I can appreciate what an embroidery machine is capable of achieving. And this ain’t it. You’d think an S&M pillow could have some nice embroidered chains and cuffs, maybe a ball-gag embroidered on it. If it’s supposed to be wedding related, some bordering or elegant florals would be a nice touch.
The most irritating part of this whole thing (well, to me, anyhoo) is that modern embroidery machines have gazillions of features, and are capable of an amazing array of beautiful and artistic empressions – in the right hands, of course.
This looks like someone bought one at an auction and left the same thread and font on. This is the limit of their skills, and it’s very, very sad. They’re not even selling a pillow, just a “slipcover”.
July 22, 2012 at 12:23 am
The cool kids call it bdsm these days.
July 22, 2012 at 4:39 pm
B = Bondage
D = Discipline/Dominance
S = Submission/Sadism
M = Masochism
July 22, 2012 at 8:34 am
My mother already wonders about me. This would just take the cake.