great. I feel completely distressed, too.
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FIRST, bitches! It’s the small things in life…
It’s weird how being #1 can sometimes feel like #2, isn’t it?
What does St. Petja teach us? Was it “cunt, what the shit?” What is is with “first” anyway? I have never understood. Please enlighten me.
it’s like running a marathon and coming in at 1st place, but in front of a computer and very sad. Most of them don’t have very meaningful life, so their goal is set very low, therefor when they become a first poster ever, they rejoice and celebrate and let everyone know by posting they’re the first.
Yes, first grade is a big accomplishment.
I’m just impressed that (as of now) 72 people read that and thumbed it down in just one hour. Or are Helen and Bronc “stuffing the ballot box” to discourage such doofusry. Not that I’d blame them.
It’s up to 89 and Helen & Bronc don’t have to “stuff the ballot box.” They trust our judgment.
If you’ve seen Broncs biceps, he ain’t gotta stuff nothing! LAWD IS IT HOT IN HERE??
I think most of us here agree that you can save the “firsting” for memebase. Here you are judged by the quality of your snark, not the speed of your posting.
Dogpile on the rabbit! Dogpile on the rabbit!
I’ve never heard anybody outside of my family quote that. I kind of love you. Want to join my family?
I remember my first beer too.
…actually, the proper greeting is “NAMASTE, BITCHES.”
I’ve never understood either the desire to claim “FIRST”, or the desire to hassle people for having done so. It’s a harmless quirk, people.
It’s not completely harmless. Have you seen the internet? Unless peple are directly shamed for posting ‘first,’ they will do it all the time and clutter up the comment space.
Maybe I can get the person who buys this thing to buy the large bladed “fodder cutter” I have here in Oklahoma for a “rustic torture chamber’ motif?
Throw in an Iron Maiden made to look like an owl and we’ll talk…
This makes me thor!
Then take an athpirin.
Darn it, you beat me to making a Thor joke!
well, a good Thor joke, I sort of forgot… actually wait, everyone beat me to it… derp… I’m an idiot…
Im sure Josh is Thorry
Get a mathage with sthome shtoothing sthalve
and then top it off with a thauna
I thought though, the way you were screaming
Only Thor could make hipster barn wood look that good
Yes, I believe Chris Hemsworth is the only person in the world who could hold a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and I would STILL want to go get drunk with him.
Yeah I’d have to change my opinion on hipsters if I saw that in front of me….
People don’t give PBR enough credit. When it’s 2am, and it’s the only thing left in the cooler, and you still feel as though drinking more at 2am is a good idea, then you might rethink…well maybe you might rethink AA. I’m done thinking about it though.
I won’t judge, I drank Bad Frog and Boone’s Farm in college….but I’ve moved on to rum. Mmmm. rummmmmm
when I clicked on the link, I prayed it would be Thor, dreams do come true
I was sort of hoping for Judge Judy getting medieval on someone, but he’ll do.
Same here…and it was better than I’d imagined! Chris Hemsworth is still very do-able as a hipster kid.
because nothing says “welcome to my home” like a large, blunt object.
If a guy wants to show me his large, blunt object, I expect dinner first.
Oh come on, you can make an exception for Thor
I used to tell the JW’s that I was Jewish and wasn’t interested in their Jesus cult… but welcoming them with a wooden mallet might do the trick too.
Like this, on a doormat?
So if I bang it on the floor, do I turn into House while it turns into a walking stick?
Thor no longer has Donald Blake to kick around as an alter ego.
He uses it to hammer home the irony.
Are hammered hipsters horney?
He uses it to hilariously bonk himself over the head repeatedly when he sees a pretty girl.
Was there a fat joke in there I missed?
No fans of old cartoons here, I guess.
WELCOME TO MY WORLD
“Doctor, it hurts when I do this.”
I’m working on writing a prayer to Our Lady of Perpetual Outrage. I’ll let you know when it’s finished and we can repeat it while holding that Lego rosary.
What, this show? It was awful. I can’t believe I liked this crap.
I can’t believe you like that crap, either. I was thinking more about 1940s Bugs Bunny or the early Tom and Jerry cartoons.
No way I loved that crap, too! The theme was pretty catchy.
Kids are so much nicer since ridiculously exaggerated cartoon-animal-on-cartoon-animal violence was banned.
And since the ACME company went out of business.
Damn you, Bain Capital!
They had to, after that lawsuit from Wile E. Coyote.
Getting all that crap out to Wile E in the middle of the desert didn’t help things either. They had free delivery.
There’s a chain of grocery stores in my area called ACME, so as a child I thought Wile E. was ordering all this stuff from the grocery store. I was convinced they had a secret mail-order catalog or they hid the stuff in the basement. True story.
They don’t? Son, I am a disappoint
I think that Tex Avery stuff is still revovering from being ripped off in “The Mask.”
I have a very distressed toothbrush, how much should I sell it for?
Is it made of barnwood?
No, Balinese boats.
I wouldn’t bother. If you’ve been using that, you’ll probably expire of lead poisoning before too long.
As someone who does antique restoration, I can immediately spot worm holes in wood. If you brought that into your house, your furniture would become infected and quickly start to disintegrate from the inside.
But it looks so vintage, it’s probably worth the risk. It would look so cool next to your iPhone charger log.
You say that like it’s a bad thing. Don’t you know worm eaten – I mean distressed – furniture is the in thing now? Whoever buys this instantly gets a matching furniture set. You’re just too square to understand!
Yeah, I’ve got a lot of growing up to do.
This would the first time in Etsy history that one piece will equal a collection.
So a group of worms is a “collection”? Like a pod of whales or an ostentation of peacocks or a murder of crows?
Is a group of etsy items a “clusterfuck”?
I think it’s referred to as a delusion of Etsy objects.
No, when you bring that into your home and the worms peek out and say, “Oooh, new juicy wood!” and then wiggle over and start eating your furniture, you’ll get a matching set of worm-eaten furniture, as Kitchen Bish said, to match the mallet.
Yeah, I got it, Mugsy Doodle. I was jumping off from that. Thanks for explaining it to me, though.
That comment I just made looks meaner than I meant it. I’m smiling, and not THAT douchy.
Well, If we’ve learned anything from Etsy, it’s that every one of nature’s imperfections is another chance to charge more money.
Yeah, I wonder what the up-charge is on mold?
Ain’t mold. That’s patina, that is.
Isn’t “patina” Spanish for “mold”?
You’ve been looking at the General Notions shop again, haven’t you?
That’s bang out of order, that is.
This is just dying to be noncycled into a toilet paper holder.
That’s not a mallet, that’s a Sledge-O-Matic(TM).
And now I watch as Gallagher sues Regretsy into oblivion while making racist jokes.
AHA! Then it’s still vintage. The listing does not lie!
Some of these Etsy sellers are busier than Gallagher at a Farmers Market
…and they have almost as much talent, too.
If I had a mallet
I’d mallet in the morning
I’d mallet in the evening
all over this land!
I’d mallet out duckface!
I’d mallet out tweeness!
I’d mallet out all of the ironic hipsters
All over this land!
Too legit to hit
I’m just looking for one divine hammer
I’d bang it all day
That’s what she said. In that song. I love “The Breeders”
I adore Kim Deal.
“I dont wanna work – I just wanna bang on my head all day!”
Now THAT is an awesome of repurposeing a melody – (wanders off singing to self).
I’ve looked up “twee” multiple times and I can never remember what stupid thing it means.
For some reason this makes me proud, which means my brain must be blocking out something remarkably stupid.
That would look awesome in one of my vintage metal trashcans I keep outside.
It would be a temporary installation, I’m sure.
Yeah, I rotate my stock pretty regularly. Like once a week.
No extra charge for the termites.
Yeah and, once again I am utterly disheartened to see the seller did not use the word “patina”…
It’s really more of a “pati-no.”
Waiting for Joe Paterno-related butthurt in 3…2…
Ahh…you beat me to it.
Perfect! It will match the distressed look on my victim’s face when I re-enact the hobbling scene from “Misery”…
The tables will turn, however, when that piece of shit shatters on impact with his ankle and sends a thousand splinters and worms into your eyes.
If someone else gets it, you can always borrow mine.
The hammer is my penis.
Oh, that is perfect.
Hey, people. This isn’t just regular trash. This is European trash. You photograph European trash on a piece of barnwood and you can triple the price. At least.
I had no idea that “distressed” was now code for “hopelessly rotted through.”
And now we know what happened to “Lille”, beloved mascot of the 1994 Winter Olympics. *sigh*
In retrospect, the Olympic basement was a bad place for wooden mascot storage.
It would have been funnier if you posted it yesterday.
(that’s OK, I’ll wait.)
Freya’s the original hipster. Her feather cloak is the true origin of “put a bird on it.” No lie.
But it Woden have been as funny 2 days earlier.
3 days earlier? There’d be Tyrs in my eyes.
I’m just spitballin’ here, but I think that would be a really cool cake topper.
You could also prop your iPhone up against it while recharging.
charger not included
Splash a little menstrual blood on it and its the perfect weapon for that warrior goddess wombyn in your life.
I never saw Thor as a PBR fan. He seems more of a Smirnoff Ice kinda guy…
You said you wouldn’t bring that up.
Drink enough of it and you will.
I don’t know much about mallets or distressed wood, but the ends seem extra splintery and sawn, like this was actually a piece of something else that was once cut into parts and this one just happens to resemble a mallet.
I DO know it looks like a piece of crap,….so I got that goin for me.
“Distressed” is the cupcake word for “riddled with termite holes.”
If you say “The More You Know” really fast it’s Mjolnir.
Did I rock your world?
I’d be mighty worried about all those holes in the wood.
The “view it in a room” made me laugh out loud. I want that as a print on my wall!
Man, that Thor is a poseur. A true hipster superhero would have a cape made out of a giant organic cotton keffieh.
Looks great with the helmet of aloofness and cape of judgement!!!!
As long as he doesn’t wear the Collar of Shame, we’re cool.
CONE of Shame.
Damn fat fingers!*
*They’re MY fingers and I can call them fat if I want to and that’s not a fat joke!
HOW DARE YOU SAY YOUR FINGERS LOOK LIKE KELLY CLARKSON! I’M TELLING!!!
Can’t we just focus on how well your fingers sing?
I admire their polish and they singlovely.
SO NOW YOU’RE MAKING FUN OF POLISH PEOPLE? HOW DARE YOU!
I’m not touching that one with a ten-foot Pole.
Oh, wait, does that joke make me look fat?
In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve owned a couple of shirts that had what you could call a “collar of shame” on them.
How long were you a Catholic priest? *braces for one hell of a smiting*
Charging for shipping!!??! This thing looks infested enough to deliver itself. Meet the Beetles.
The British Infestation!
Whose photoshop skills are these?
While Helen has some serious Photoshop skills, Bronc is a Photoshop God so most likely Bronc. I believe Bronc may do Photoshop professionally
HAS ANYTHING EVER BEEN BETTER THAN HIPSTER THOR.
That made my day and the joy will now spill over into my entire weekend
This is not a mallet! It’s a rough-sawn chunk of wood plopped onto the end of an old broom handle. With paint daubed on for “authenticity”.
An actual mallet would have 1) no splinters 2) actual marks on the wood due to something being hammered with the mallet.
However, it might be possible to hammer something with this mallet, once. Then the mallet head would fall off, and the worm-eaten wood would crumble to dust. I call false advertising!
I like it.
Looks like a college student straight out of Milwaukee to me. We have a locality excuse here.
I would consider buying this just to make it part of a vampire hunting kit. The price is a bit high for that, though.
Oh my god, this is the most beautiful View It In A Room. I laughed for a full minute. Thank you for that. HE’S GOT PBR. Of course he does.
“It looks cool.” I appreciate the seller just straight-up informing me what does and doesn’t look cool. Can we get his/her opinions on other things? Ironic slogan t-shirts? White people dreads? Deep v-necks on men? Neon lace? I DON’T KNOW WHAT LOOKS COOL IF YOU DON’T TELL ME.
Id still fap to that.
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