it’s like running a marathon and coming in at 1st place, but in front of a computer and very sad. Most of them don’t have very meaningful life, so their goal is set very low, therefor when they become a first poster ever, they rejoice and celebrate and let everyone know by posting they’re the first.
I’m just impressed that (as of now) 72 people read that and thumbed it down in just one hour. Or are Helen and Bronc “stuffing the ballot box” to discourage such doofusry. Not that I’d blame them.
I think most of us here agree that you can save the “firsting” for memebase. Here you are judged by the quality of your snark, not the speed of your posting.
It’s not completely harmless. Have you seen the internet? Unless peple are directly shamed for posting ‘first,’ they will do it all the time and clutter up the comment space.
Yes, I believe Chris Hemsworth is the only person in the world who could hold a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and I would STILL want to go get drunk with him.
People don’t give PBR enough credit. When it’s 2am, and it’s the only thing left in the cooler, and you still feel as though drinking more at 2am is a good idea, then you might rethink…well maybe you might rethink AA. I’m done thinking about it though.
I’m working on writing a prayer to Our Lady of Perpetual Outrage. I’ll let you know when it’s finished and we can repeat it while holding that Lego rosary.
There’s a chain of grocery stores in my area called ACME, so as a child I thought Wile E. was ordering all this stuff from the grocery store. I was convinced they had a secret mail-order catalog or they hid the stuff in the basement. True story.
As someone who does antique restoration, I can immediately spot worm holes in wood. If you brought that into your house, your furniture would become infected and quickly start to disintegrate from the inside.
But it looks so vintage, it’s probably worth the risk. It would look so cool next to your iPhone charger log.
You say that like it’s a bad thing. Don’t you know worm eaten – I mean distressed – furniture is the in thing now? Whoever buys this instantly gets a matching furniture set. You’re just too square to understand!
No, when you bring that into your home and the worms peek out and say, “Oooh, new juicy wood!” and then wiggle over and start eating your furniture, you’ll get a matching set of worm-eaten furniture, as Kitchen Bish said, to match the mallet.
If I had a mallet
I’d mallet in the morning
I’d mallet in the evening
all over this land!
I’d mallet out duckface!
I’d mallet out tweeness!
I’d mallet out all of the ironic hipsters
All over this land!
Hey, people. This isn’t just regular trash. This is European trash. You photograph European trash on a piece of barnwood and you can triple the price. At least.
I don’t know much about mallets or distressed wood, but the ends seem extra splintery and sawn, like this was actually a piece of something else that was once cut into parts and this one just happens to resemble a mallet.
I DO know it looks like a piece of crap,….so I got that goin for me.
This is not a mallet! It’s a rough-sawn chunk of wood plopped onto the end of an old broom handle. With paint daubed on for “authenticity”.
An actual mallet would have 1) no splinters 2) actual marks on the wood due to something being hammered with the mallet.
However, it might be possible to hammer something with this mallet, once. Then the mallet head would fall off, and the worm-eaten wood would crumble to dust. I call false advertising!
Oh my god, this is the most beautiful View It In A Room. I laughed for a full minute. Thank you for that. HE’S GOT PBR. Of course he does.
“It looks cool.” I appreciate the seller just straight-up informing me what does and doesn’t look cool. Can we get his/her opinions on other things? Ironic slogan t-shirts? White people dreads? Deep v-necks on men? Neon lace? I DON’T KNOW WHAT LOOKS COOL IF YOU DON’T TELL ME.
July 20, 2012 at 9:33 am
great. I feel completely distressed, too.
July 20, 2012 at 9:33 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
July 20, 2012 at 9:55 am
It’s weird how being #1 can sometimes feel like #2, isn’t it?
July 20, 2012 at 8:11 pm
What does St. Petja teach us? Was it “cunt, what the shit?” What is is with “first” anyway? I have never understood. Please enlighten me.
July 21, 2012 at 12:03 pm
it’s like running a marathon and coming in at 1st place, but in front of a computer and very sad. Most of them don’t have very meaningful life, so their goal is set very low, therefor when they become a first poster ever, they rejoice and celebrate and let everyone know by posting they’re the first.
July 20, 2012 at 10:26 am
Yes, first grade is a big accomplishment.
July 20, 2012 at 10:40 am
I’m just impressed that (as of now) 72 people read that and thumbed it down in just one hour. Or are Helen and Bronc “stuffing the ballot box” to discourage such doofusry. Not that I’d blame them.
July 20, 2012 at 10:56 am
It’s up to 89 and Helen & Bronc don’t have to “stuff the ballot box.” They trust our judgment.
July 20, 2012 at 11:02 am
If you’ve seen Broncs biceps, he ain’t gotta stuff nothing! LAWD IS IT HOT IN HERE??
July 20, 2012 at 12:06 pm
I think most of us here agree that you can save the “firsting” for memebase. Here you are judged by the quality of your snark, not the speed of your posting.
July 20, 2012 at 12:59 pm
Dogpile on the rabbit! Dogpile on the rabbit!
July 20, 2012 at 1:12 pm
I’ve never heard anybody outside of my family quote that. I kind of love you. Want to join my family?
July 20, 2012 at 1:14 pm
I remember my first beer too.
July 20, 2012 at 5:59 pm
…actually, the proper greeting is “NAMASTE, BITCHES.”
July 20, 2012 at 9:20 pm
I’ve never understood either the desire to claim “FIRST”, or the desire to hassle people for having done so. It’s a harmless quirk, people.
July 23, 2012 at 3:40 pm
It’s not completely harmless. Have you seen the internet? Unless peple are directly shamed for posting ‘first,’ they will do it all the time and clutter up the comment space.
July 20, 2012 at 9:33 am
Maybe I can get the person who buys this thing to buy the large bladed “fodder cutter” I have here in Oklahoma for a “rustic torture chamber’ motif?
July 20, 2012 at 11:10 am
Throw in an Iron Maiden made to look like an owl and we’ll talk…
July 20, 2012 at 9:33 am
This makes me thor!
July 20, 2012 at 9:45 am
Then take an athpirin.
July 20, 2012 at 9:50 am
Darn it, you beat me to making a Thor joke!
July 20, 2012 at 9:51 am
well, a good Thor joke, I sort of forgot… actually wait, everyone beat me to it… derp… I’m an idiot…
July 20, 2012 at 2:51 pm
Im sure Josh is Thorry
July 20, 2012 at 9:51 am
Get a mathage with sthome shtoothing sthalve
July 20, 2012 at 10:11 am
and then top it off with a thauna
July 20, 2012 at 6:36 pm
I thought though, the way you were screaming
July 20, 2012 at 9:33 am
Only Thor could make hipster barn wood look that good
July 20, 2012 at 9:46 am
Yes, I believe Chris Hemsworth is the only person in the world who could hold a six pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon and I would STILL want to go get drunk with him.
July 20, 2012 at 11:12 am
Yeah I’d have to change my opinion on hipsters if I saw that in front of me….
July 20, 2012 at 12:02 pm
People don’t give PBR enough credit. When it’s 2am, and it’s the only thing left in the cooler, and you still feel as though drinking more at 2am is a good idea, then you might rethink…well maybe you might rethink AA. I’m done thinking about it though.
July 20, 2012 at 7:33 pm
I won’t judge, I drank Bad Frog and Boone’s Farm in college….but I’ve moved on to rum. Mmmm. rummmmmm
July 20, 2012 at 9:56 am
when I clicked on the link, I prayed it would be Thor, dreams do come true
July 20, 2012 at 10:58 am
I was sort of hoping for Judge Judy getting medieval on someone, but he’ll do.
July 20, 2012 at 12:59 pm
Same here…and it was better than I’d imagined! Chris Hemsworth is still very do-able as a hipster kid.
July 20, 2012 at 9:34 am
because nothing says “welcome to my home” like a large, blunt object.
July 20, 2012 at 11:04 am
If a guy wants to show me his large, blunt object, I expect dinner first.
July 21, 2012 at 2:51 am
Oh come on, you can make an exception for Thor
July 20, 2012 at 1:27 pm
I used to tell the JW’s that I was Jewish and wasn’t interested in their Jesus cult… but welcoming them with a wooden mallet might do the trick too.
July 22, 2012 at 1:19 pm
Like this, on a doormat?
July 20, 2012 at 9:34 am
So if I bang it on the floor, do I turn into House while it turns into a walking stick?
July 21, 2012 at 7:03 am
Thor no longer has Donald Blake to kick around as an alter ego.
July 20, 2012 at 9:34 am
He uses it to hammer home the irony.
July 20, 2012 at 9:35 am
Are hammered hipsters horney?
July 20, 2012 at 9:39 am
He uses it to hilariously bonk himself over the head repeatedly when he sees a pretty girl.
July 20, 2012 at 9:49 am
Was there a fat joke in there I missed?
No fans of old cartoons here, I guess.
July 20, 2012 at 9:53 am
WELCOME TO MY WORLD
July 20, 2012 at 9:58 am
“Doctor, it hurts when I do this.”
July 20, 2012 at 9:58 am
I’m working on writing a prayer to Our Lady of Perpetual Outrage. I’ll let you know when it’s finished and we can repeat it while holding that Lego rosary.
July 20, 2012 at 10:01 am
What, this show? It was awful. I can’t believe I liked this crap.
July 20, 2012 at 10:02 am
I can’t believe you like that crap, either. I was thinking more about 1940s Bugs Bunny or the early Tom and Jerry cartoons.
July 21, 2012 at 2:35 pm
No way I loved that crap, too! The theme was pretty catchy.
July 20, 2012 at 10:28 am
Kids are so much nicer since ridiculously exaggerated cartoon-animal-on-cartoon-animal violence was banned.
July 20, 2012 at 10:51 am
And since the ACME company went out of business.
July 20, 2012 at 11:12 am
Damn you, Bain Capital!
July 20, 2012 at 11:49 am
They had to, after that lawsuit from Wile E. Coyote.
July 20, 2012 at 1:35 pm
Getting all that crap out to Wile E in the middle of the desert didn’t help things either. They had free delivery.
July 20, 2012 at 1:24 pm
There’s a chain of grocery stores in my area called ACME, so as a child I thought Wile E. was ordering all this stuff from the grocery store. I was convinced they had a secret mail-order catalog or they hid the stuff in the basement. True story.
July 21, 2012 at 7:07 am
They don’t? Son, I am a disappoint
July 20, 2012 at 2:19 pm
I think that Tex Avery stuff is still revovering from being ripped off in “The Mask.”
July 20, 2012 at 9:37 am
I have a very distressed toothbrush, how much should I sell it for?
July 20, 2012 at 9:41 am
Is it made of barnwood?
July 20, 2012 at 11:42 am
No, Balinese boats.
July 20, 2012 at 12:08 pm
I wouldn’t bother. If you’ve been using that, you’ll probably expire of lead poisoning before too long.
July 20, 2012 at 9:37 am
As someone who does antique restoration, I can immediately spot worm holes in wood. If you brought that into your house, your furniture would become infected and quickly start to disintegrate from the inside.
But it looks so vintage, it’s probably worth the risk. It would look so cool next to your iPhone charger log.
July 20, 2012 at 9:45 am
You say that like it’s a bad thing. Don’t you know worm eaten – I mean distressed – furniture is the in thing now? Whoever buys this instantly gets a matching furniture set. You’re just too square to understand!
July 20, 2012 at 9:48 am
Yeah, I’ve got a lot of growing up to do.
July 20, 2012 at 11:48 am
This would the first time in Etsy history that one piece will equal a collection.
July 20, 2012 at 12:20 pm
So a group of worms is a “collection”? Like a pod of whales or an ostentation of peacocks or a murder of crows?
Is a group of etsy items a “clusterfuck”?
July 20, 2012 at 12:34 pm
I think it’s referred to as a delusion of Etsy objects.
July 20, 2012 at 12:36 pm
No, when you bring that into your home and the worms peek out and say, “Oooh, new juicy wood!” and then wiggle over and start eating your furniture, you’ll get a matching set of worm-eaten furniture, as Kitchen Bish said, to match the mallet.
July 20, 2012 at 12:50 pm
Yeah, I got it, Mugsy Doodle. I was jumping off from that. Thanks for explaining it to me, though.
July 20, 2012 at 12:51 pm
That comment I just made looks meaner than I meant it. I’m smiling, and not THAT douchy.
July 20, 2012 at 11:08 am
Well, If we’ve learned anything from Etsy, it’s that every one of nature’s imperfections is another chance to charge more money.
July 20, 2012 at 11:33 am
Yeah, I wonder what the up-charge is on mold?
July 20, 2012 at 12:28 pm
Ain’t mold. That’s patina, that is.
July 20, 2012 at 12:52 pm
Isn’t “patina” Spanish for “mold”?
July 20, 2012 at 2:49 pm
You’ve been looking at the General Notions shop again, haven’t you?
http://www.etsy.com/listing/76647223/formless-knitting
July 20, 2012 at 9:38 am
That’s bang out of order, that is.
July 20, 2012 at 9:40 am
This is just dying to be noncycled into a toilet paper holder.
July 20, 2012 at 9:41 am
That’s not a mallet, that’s a Sledge-O-Matic(TM).
And now I watch as Gallagher sues Regretsy into oblivion while making racist jokes.
July 20, 2012 at 9:46 am
AHA! Then it’s still vintage. The listing does not lie!
July 20, 2012 at 2:59 pm
Some of these Etsy sellers are busier than Gallagher at a Farmers Market
July 20, 2012 at 3:45 pm
…and they have almost as much talent, too.
July 20, 2012 at 9:42 am
If I had a mallet
I’d mallet in the morning
I’d mallet in the evening
all over this land!
I’d mallet out duckface!
I’d mallet out tweeness!
I’d mallet out all of the ironic hipsters
All over this land!
July 20, 2012 at 9:53 am
Stop –
Mallet Time
July 20, 2012 at 10:10 am
Too legit to hit
July 20, 2012 at 10:15 am
I’m just looking for one divine hammer
I’d bang it all day
July 20, 2012 at 10:31 am
That’s what she said. In that song. I love “The Breeders”
July 20, 2012 at 10:57 am
I adore Kim Deal.
July 20, 2012 at 3:00 pm
“I dont wanna work – I just wanna bang on my head all day!”
July 20, 2012 at 6:31 pm
Now THAT is an awesome of repurposeing a melody – (wanders off singing to self).
July 20, 2012 at 6:36 pm
I’ve looked up “twee” multiple times and I can never remember what stupid thing it means.
For some reason this makes me proud, which means my brain must be blocking out something remarkably stupid.
July 20, 2012 at 9:42 am
That would look awesome in one of my vintage metal trashcans I keep outside.
July 20, 2012 at 10:53 am
It would be a temporary installation, I’m sure.
July 20, 2012 at 10:58 am
Yeah, I rotate my stock pretty regularly. Like once a week.
July 20, 2012 at 9:46 am
No extra charge for the termites.
July 20, 2012 at 10:58 am
Yeah and, once again I am utterly disheartened to see the seller did not use the word “patina”…
July 20, 2012 at 12:16 pm
It’s really more of a “pati-no.”
July 20, 2012 at 12:38 pm
Waiting for Joe Paterno-related butthurt in 3…2…
July 20, 2012 at 12:59 pm
Ahh…you beat me to it.
July 20, 2012 at 9:46 am
Perfect! It will match the distressed look on my victim’s face when I re-enact the hobbling scene from “Misery”…
July 20, 2012 at 9:52 am
The tables will turn, however, when that piece of shit shatters on impact with his ankle and sends a thousand splinters and worms into your eyes.
July 20, 2012 at 11:20 am
If someone else gets it, you can always borrow mine.
July 20, 2012 at 11:22 am
The hammer is my penis.
July 20, 2012 at 9:52 am
Oh, that is perfect.
July 20, 2012 at 9:53 am
Hey, people. This isn’t just regular trash. This is European trash. You photograph European trash on a piece of barnwood and you can triple the price. At least.
July 20, 2012 at 9:56 am
I had no idea that “distressed” was now code for “hopelessly rotted through.”
July 20, 2012 at 10:07 am
And now we know what happened to “Lille”, beloved mascot of the 1994 Winter Olympics. *sigh*
July 20, 2012 at 10:12 am
In retrospect, the Olympic basement was a bad place for wooden mascot storage.
July 20, 2012 at 10:11 am
It would have been funnier if you posted it yesterday.
(that’s OK, I’ll wait.)
July 20, 2012 at 10:39 am
Freya’s the original hipster. Her feather cloak is the true origin of “put a bird on it.” No lie.
July 20, 2012 at 10:46 am
But it Woden have been as funny 2 days earlier.
July 20, 2012 at 10:47 am
3 days earlier? There’d be Tyrs in my eyes.
July 20, 2012 at 10:24 am
I’m just spitballin’ here, but I think that would be a really cool cake topper.
July 20, 2012 at 11:11 am
You could also prop your iPhone up against it while recharging.
July 20, 2012 at 3:16 pm
charger not included
July 20, 2012 at 6:29 pm
Splash a little menstrual blood on it and its the perfect weapon for that warrior goddess wombyn in your life.
July 20, 2012 at 10:52 am
I never saw Thor as a PBR fan. He seems more of a Smirnoff Ice kinda guy…
July 20, 2012 at 1:16 pm
You said you wouldn’t bring that up.
July 20, 2012 at 2:24 pm
Drink enough of it and you will.
July 20, 2012 at 11:09 am
I don’t know much about mallets or distressed wood, but the ends seem extra splintery and sawn, like this was actually a piece of something else that was once cut into parts and this one just happens to resemble a mallet.
I DO know it looks like a piece of crap,….so I got that goin for me.
July 20, 2012 at 11:21 am
MEOW MEOW?!?
July 20, 2012 at 11:21 am
“Distressed” is the cupcake word for “riddled with termite holes.”
July 20, 2012 at 12:33 pm
If you say “The More You Know” really fast it’s Mjolnir.
Did I rock your world?
July 20, 2012 at 11:43 am
I’d be mighty worried about all those holes in the wood.
The “view it in a room” made me laugh out loud. I want that as a print on my wall!
July 20, 2012 at 11:46 am
Man, that Thor is a poseur. A true hipster superhero would have a cape made out of a giant organic cotton keffieh.
July 20, 2012 at 11:58 am
Looks great with the helmet of aloofness and cape of judgement!!!!
July 20, 2012 at 12:21 pm
As long as he doesn’t wear the Collar of Shame, we’re cool.
July 20, 2012 at 12:22 pm
CONE of Shame.
Damn fat fingers!*
*They’re MY fingers and I can call them fat if I want to and that’s not a fat joke!
July 20, 2012 at 12:26 pm
HOW DARE YOU SAY YOUR FINGERS LOOK LIKE KELLY CLARKSON! I’M TELLING!!!
July 20, 2012 at 1:02 pm
Can’t we just focus on how well your fingers sing?
July 20, 2012 at 1:13 pm
I admire their polish and they singlovely.
July 20, 2012 at 1:16 pm
SO NOW YOU’RE MAKING FUN OF POLISH PEOPLE? HOW DARE YOU!
July 20, 2012 at 2:12 pm
I’m not touching that one with a ten-foot Pole.
Oh, wait, does that joke make me look fat?
July 20, 2012 at 1:18 pm
In the interest of full disclosure, I’ve owned a couple of shirts that had what you could call a “collar of shame” on them.
July 20, 2012 at 1:42 pm
How long were you a Catholic priest? *braces for one hell of a smiting*
July 20, 2012 at 1:08 pm
Charging for shipping!!??! This thing looks infested enough to deliver itself. Meet the Beetles.
July 20, 2012 at 1:15 pm
The British Infestation!
July 20, 2012 at 1:29 pm
Whose photoshop skills are these?
July 20, 2012 at 3:06 pm
While Helen has some serious Photoshop skills, Bronc is a Photoshop God so most likely Bronc. I believe Bronc may do Photoshop professionally
July 21, 2012 at 11:06 am
Impressive!
July 20, 2012 at 3:47 pm
HAS ANYTHING EVER BEEN BETTER THAN HIPSTER THOR.
That made my day and the joy will now spill over into my entire weekend
July 20, 2012 at 3:47 pm
This is not a mallet! It’s a rough-sawn chunk of wood plopped onto the end of an old broom handle. With paint daubed on for “authenticity”.
An actual mallet would have 1) no splinters 2) actual marks on the wood due to something being hammered with the mallet.
However, it might be possible to hammer something with this mallet, once. Then the mallet head would fall off, and the worm-eaten wood would crumble to dust. I call false advertising!
July 20, 2012 at 5:19 pm
I like it.
July 20, 2012 at 9:52 pm
Looks like a college student straight out of Milwaukee to me. We have a locality excuse here.
July 21, 2012 at 11:25 am
I would consider buying this just to make it part of a vampire hunting kit. The price is a bit high for that, though.
July 22, 2012 at 11:09 am
Oh my god, this is the most beautiful View It In A Room. I laughed for a full minute. Thank you for that. HE’S GOT PBR. Of course he does.
“It looks cool.” I appreciate the seller just straight-up informing me what does and doesn’t look cool. Can we get his/her opinions on other things? Ironic slogan t-shirts? White people dreads? Deep v-necks on men? Neon lace? I DON’T KNOW WHAT LOOKS COOL IF YOU DON’T TELL ME.
July 23, 2012 at 10:36 am
re: VIIAR
Id still fap to that.