CollectorOfWaywardRacistWhiteCousins
July 17, 2012 at 7:23 pm
Just looking at whatever all that rusty shit is made my toothache worse. How on earth is that not in a landfill? I’m all for the environment but those sharp objects looked straight out of the Dark Ages. You aren’t supposed to photograph them. They’re not supposed to see light, period, ever, they belong in a covered hole.
Who the hell sits on a package of toilet paper from the 80′s? Peach at that! Seriously, was it just in case of emergency? If the whole Cold War thing didn’t work out, you’d be set for the crapper in style!
Methinks I think peach *was* part of the Miami Vice color scheme. I have a memory of Sonny Crockett wearing a peach tshirt a time or two. Not that I slavishly watched the show, or anything like that.
A few years ago, my elderly neighbor suddenly ended up in the hospital. I fed her cats for a few days until her son could get here.
Once, I used her downstairs bathroom (which had been nicely decorated sometime around 1977 in a pale blue color scheme). I used the last of the toilet paper, so looked in the vanity for a fresh roll.
In the front was a package of regular white toilet paper. Shoved to the back, however, were three packages of pale blue Northern, plus a half-used package, plus a half-used roll of the same pale blue TP that had been removed from the spindle and put back into the half-used package.
Seems the blue TP was special stuff, reserved strictly for (infrequent) guests. Same with the six aged cans of lilac-scented Glade she had stashed alongside it.
So I suspect another old lady with a penchant for stocking up on “guest” TP (and a peach bathroom) is the source of this–for this is the stuff estate sales are made of.
I bet there are a lot of grandmas with colored toilet paper stuffed way back in the bathroom cabinet. Colored TP was pulled from the market amist allegations it caused UTIs. I don’t believe there was a recall (mid ’80′s)but people were told to stop using it. I’m sure grandma didn’t want to toss it so she saved it for an emergency. But she would never use it or put it out for guests.
Or are they jewish? Because there could be a whole nother reason for blue and white toilet paper.
When my grandmother got old she used to worry a lot about running out of toilet paper. She was pretty obsessive. I just hope I don’t turn out that way.
Well what do you think happens to all that shit they drag out of Grandma’s house after sending her ass upstate? That retirement home isn’t gonna pay for itself!
Personally I’d wait till they list the 70′s pink blow dryer and the 27 year old tin of McCormick ground black pepper.
Don’t mock. I still have several jars of what I refer to as “heritage herbs” from my mom’s kitchen. (She died in 1996.)
I don’t USE them, I just HAVE them.
I did manage to break the jar of “heritage bacon drippings” a few years back, though. That was sad.
I need help, don’t I?
We just went through the refrigerator and cabinets and were throwing away things like an unopened box of tofu burgers in the back of the freezer with a “best used by” date of 2005, and a heat-and-eat Pad Thai packet with a best used by date of 2000. I didn’t bother opening the pack of hot dogs that expired 7 months ago to “smell them to see if they were still OK”. I just tossed them.
We actually finally used up the case of sterno I stocked up on in 1999 just in case we needed it for the big Y2K disaster.
It is very hard to find vintage peach toilet paper, but for the weirdo’s who like their toilet paper a little fresher, you can get peach coloured toilet paper in Mexico.
Oh yeah, I want 20-year-old toilet paper and rusted tools. Holy shit, I can overlook the bugs that would be crawling over other stuff I’ve bought off Etsy, but I look at this stuff and want to soak it in Lysol before ever coming near it.
Oh man, folks, if that seems cranky and passive-aggressive, I’m sorry. Posted before I thought. I am tired, worried about some health issues (not major, but still worrisome), can’t just go to bed cuz I have stuff to do…you know the whole drill. Sorry if I was grouchy.
Thanks…I felt like I had been snippy and passive-aggressive. Maybe it wasn’t so bad.
Just been worried about what seems to be a chronic borderline anemia that doesn’t seem to be due to any of the Obvious Causes so we’re doing more tests to see if it’s in the Something Possibly Dire category or Just The Way I Was Made department. Looking back, it seems to have been going on all my life, and probably responsible for all sorts of crap. My parents used to yell at me for tiring out during yard/garden work and now I think, jeez, maybe I was just anemic?
I need to get some rest, stop researching anemia, stop fucking overthinking everything (a classic Vagrarian move, it’s my signature), and relax. Going to bed now. Thanks for putting up with my venting.
I hear ya, Vagrarian. I had a car accident on the way to the gyno’s office for a pap smear. That’s a crappy day….wonder what will happen on the way to the hospital for that hysterectomy I’m going to have next month?
I just registered for an account here, after a year of reading, to say the same. Broken pencils? Toilet paper? EIGHTY FIVE DOLLARS for toilet paper? This must be a game??
I registered after a year of reading too! Just to say that now I can be an entrepreneur on Etsy. All I need is to scour the garbage bins around here for my rusted pretty patina treasures.
I want to believe they’re all fake. Every last one of them. I’ll sleep better tonight if I keep telling myself this is just a mistitled game of “Etsy or Regretsy?”
The Quilted Northern 1982 version is by far the best, considering my vagina is younger than it. I believe it’s like a fine wine, but that might be my drunk self trying to tell me this.
We have the perfect thing to go with that toilet paper. A vintage Renuzit air freshener where the photographer’s penis is hidden among the flowers on the can.
My father used to keep a broken typewriter on his desk. He was an Army sergeant major. Whenever he needed to deeply express his rage at some idiotic private or pfc, my Dad would pick up the (already broken) typewriter and throw it on the floor as an expression of his (fake) rage. Whatever horrifying mistake they made was never repeated – by anybody.
He did this about 3 times a year. The typewriter was a fantastic prop; he had the supply sergeant keep him well set with broken useless typewriters for this reason.
Yes, he still is. At 72 years old with two artificial knees, he can still throw a typewriter very convincingly.
Other people pick fights at the bar? My Dad picks fights at the salad bar. Last time it was because some old lady was picking out all the artichoke hearts from a salad, and wasn’t leaving any for others.
My Dad told her to leave some for the rest of us, and her husband hobbled back to the buffet with his cane pretty quick. Fortunately, the restaurant manager intervened with more artichoke hearts, and broke it up before my Dad got to bust that old guy’s dentures.
Dad realizes that his fighting days are over, but he also knows he has one really good punch in him. That said, he’s still more than a match for most folks in the 65+ crowd.
I find it hard to believe that they didn’t have to dip into the emergency stash of shit paper since 1982. I’ve had to resort to using kleenex several times just this year. Don’t ask what happens when we run out of kleenex.
In my apartment, we tend to resort to cardboard from the toilet paper roll. It’s that or the awkward “truffle shuffle” all the way across the apartment to the emergency stash of camping toilet paper.
One of the compulsions I inherited from my mother was the hoarding of toilet paper. When I’m down to my last 10 rolls I get anxious. I suppose it doesn’t help that the price point I refuse to exceed (50c per roll) means I have to buy it in lots of 12 or so anyway…
I almost choked on a sandwich laughing when the 20 year old toilet paper scrolled up. I’m a little disappointed that it’s in excellent condition though, I was expecting a patina.
You think some reseller saw it and is thinking “Reproduction vintage toilet paper! What an idea! I will have to research and find out what toilet paper is.”
And you’re lucky folks, the instant collection of rusted tools and the can FROM UNDER A BARN come FREE with Tetanus and a nice pseudomonas infection! ORDER TODAY!
To think I could have raked in the money when I discovered my late grandfather’s “Vintage Tin, Vintage tin can, Large rusted tin can, repurposed tin can” collection in the garage, covered with steampunk vintage OOAK mouse droppings.
That thing actually has a name – the music supervisor who created it calls it “The Clang.”
‘”The Clang” is an amalgamation of nearly a dozen sounds, including an actual gavel, a jail door slamming, and five hundred Japanese monks walking across a hardwood floor.’
(Per Wikipedia, anyway. This factoid is not warranted or guaranteed for any particular purpose, as Wikipedia has a very high error rate.)
Most people I know call it the “Bong-Bong”, but one time I was watching an episode of SVU with closed captions on, and the closed captions called it “[Supenseful chime]“.
That is the second most ugly chair I ever saw in my life. The first was in a thrift shop for $35 dollars. It was in the shape of a throne with yellow and purple fabric covered in thick clear vinyl. I almost bought it for the ugly factor alone and I often regret not buying it those 20 years ago. What a conversation piece or Regretsy bait???
But guys, the dents and dings in the under-the-barn can tell a story. This story could be:
A) Stolen from grocery store. Beans eaten out of. Tossed out of moving car. Buried under barn.
B) Contained spotted dick. Spent years being made fun of on grocery shelves. Contents dumped in trash. Buried under barn.
C) Husband threw can out window. Missed trash can. Barn raised over can to hide evidence.
D) Waif child used as toy and got tetanus. Hid under barn waiting for the next victim.
Confession – I admit to doing this (not the hoarding, I’m insanely anal/ocd), but only because people buy crap to make some prom dress with. Or something.
Does anyone else use posts like these to click through to Etsy and report all the sellers? I don’t want to be a killjoy but I had to click on the hangers and write: THESE ARE NOT VINTAGE. YOU CAN BUY THEM IN WAL-MART.
Just take the shelf off the wall and sell them as-is. Call it “Instant Collection with Mounted Display!” Bonus points if you can pass the shelf off as barnwood.
Simply put, instant collections are a simple decorating tool for people whose taste and discernment has not advanced beyond preschool levels.
Three blue things? Instant collection!
Four round things? Instant collection!
Five pointy, rusty junkyard rejects? Instant collection!
An “instant collection” of cheese graters? Who collects cheese graters?
Also, when did cheese graters become “display” pieces? Is there a worldwide shortage of picture frames? When you affix a photo to a cheese grater, it does not change the grater into something else. It’s just a cheese grater with a photo stuck to it.
I may be weird, but I sort of liked the cheese graters. Not enough to buy the cheese graters, but enough to vaguely think that I could buy some from Goodwill, and hang them decoratively, maybe even with shit magneted on to them.
I dunno I think I’d buy that VINTAGE TOILET PAPER for $85. I can set it up in my living room so everyone can know what toilet paper looked like 30 years ago. Bitch please.
I suppose it’s time for another round of the Hoarders Drinking Game: one shot for every dead cat discovered anywhere in the house. Let’s start with that armchair abomination, for I can guarantee at least a good buzz off of whatever might be found underneath. And I’ll bet the Hefty box and that vintage tin, rusted, repurposed can aren’t exactly empty either.
There was an Animal Planet episode of animal hoarders with 96 live cats in the house alone (more in the yard) and somewhere around 14 to 20 dead cats (They weren’t sure how many more the live cats had eaten). You know, if you were looking to be thoroughly drunk and disgusted at the same time.
They had to condemn and destroy the house, by the way.
The little girl’s face on the toilet paper really takes me back to my youth. If only there were a copy of The National Enquirer with Princess Di on the cover next to it and three siblings banging on the door I’d feel 12 again.
That got to me, too. I was suddenly standing in the left-most wall aisle of the Miamisburg, OH Cub Foods, wondering if my family should be choosing our toilet paper by which urchin most resembled us, or which we liked best in general.
My thoughts: “Hmm, is Quilted Northern still around? I haven’t seen that package in forever. Oh yeah, it is, but with a very different package! I guess nowadays they can’t imply that a young child is soft.”
$19.95 for three “vintage lucite hangers” that you won’t find in any store (except for every store you walk into these days, but those aren’t vintage, yes?)?
I’m sitting on a goldmine.
I’ll sell all 19 of the ones in my closet. $5 apiece and I won’t even charge you shipping.
*dusts off Paypal and waits patiently for all the orders to pile in*
If that typewriter is “vintage” for being made in the mid 70′s, my mother will be very disheartened to find out that she is vintage as well. (I’m still in my teen years.)
Vintage on Etsy is anything 20 years old or older… I’m minimum vintage + 2 years.
Too bad selling yourself as “vintage” is illegal, I could make a killing.
I really, REALLY want to know WHY the seller thinks their old toilet paper is worth EIGHTY-FIVE AMERICAN DOLLARS. Do they think there is some rabid Quilted Northern fan out there who is going to set this on a little shrine surrounded by votive candles? I’m genuinely curious.
I think they might be banking on some executive at Northern finding the listing and thinking it would be a perfect show of company loyalty for their office. Because no company, ever keeps an archive of their labels and packaging throughout the years, already.
Or some Northern retiree who’d pay just anything for this rare and glorious reminder of the good ol’ days.
Any other reason would be just too mad to consider.
I can sort of see how that might be an option with the toilet paper, but their price seems so exorbitant for something from the 80s. I don’t know how much your bleach box went for, but going by the prices of other items in your shop, I doubt it was so outrageously high. And that’s not even considering the fact that yours was from a couple decades earlier.
It was $12.99. I got it from my uncle’s dad’s house. I helped with the estate sale and went through the bags of of things one of the family members had thrown away. There was lots of strange but salable items in it. I get a small thrill out of rescuing stuff like this (even though I’m not a hoarder, I really like to see what sorts of things people will buy).
Remember “Rule 34″?
I bet someone out there really, REALLY likes Northern Quilt Peach TP.
Who knows… maybe he even could resell it after having used upcycled it…?!
Plus it really shows you how far the value of a US dollar has fallen.
Legend has it that in pre-Pedobear, pre-Mommy-as-chauffeur days, you could send your kid to the store for milk, eggs and a 4-pack of TP with 5 bucks, tell them to buy a comic book for themselves, and you’d get change back.
Whenever I see old rusty graters on the junk market now I’ll be thinking to myself – “gee, you know what? I could ‘upcycle’ those into some kick ass mounts for display. Frames be damned!”
Okay, as a typewriter collector with close to 300 typers, I can understand why someone might buy a nonfunctional typewriter. Most collectors know how to do their own repairs, and interior decorators just want something that will look good in the scene.
Having said that, this Smith-Corona looks like a Zephyr II. Those things were shit when they were new. You couldn’t pay me to take one.
My uncle found a tool that rusty, left under the floor, while renovating his Victorian home. His frugal self barely made out the word “Craftsman”.
Sears honored the Craftsman Guarantee. He displays the new wrench with pride. Seriously. Like right next to his stainless steel Delorean, for which he payed $2K. Think Back to the Future. Same model.
A friend of ours took a bunch of charred, rusty Craftsmen tools back to the store after their house burned up in a wildfire, and they exchanged them too. He’s a thrifty guy, and a bunch of them had been rusty and old when he got them, so he was very pleased with that.
If you have too much time on your hands my father-in-law has discovered that most show shovels are warrantied with a “no questions asked” deal and some expensive fans. Also apparently swiffer will replace any of their wetjets and the broom thingies and they send you coupons for tampons to say sorry.
I have spent too much time pondering what my FIL should do with those tampons….
my boyfrined just had a huge torque wrench give out and he took it to sear ( craftsman) and because they no longer make that exact one and their torque wrenches now ar only guaranteed for 1 year they didn’t know what to do so they had to call the corp office and they told the store to give him the one closes to his which was 89.00 and he got it for free!!! it sat on the kitched counter for a good week and every time he walked by he said…don’t you love my free torque wrench?? I don’t know how sears makes money doing that, but yard sales are a gold mine if you are a tool person!!
You and your boyfriend regard Sears highly now, right? You and he will likely go to Sears first for something they sell instead of Home Depot or some other store, right? THAT’S how Sears makes money–good customer relations.
Unfortunately, they spent a lot of money on their online presence and let their brick-and-mortar stores go to hell (not updating them in a decade or so), which is why many of them are closing.
Old trash bags, rusty bullshit tools that don’t work, three over-priced hangers, and vintage TOILET PAPER? What the fuck is wrong with people? Seriously? And the PENCILS? Are you kidding me? I have no more faith in mankind or in creative spirit if this crap sells.
(I can get the “point” of an old typewriter for decorating purposes. I wouldn’t spend more than 10.00 on it myself, but I get it)
I can get the point if it’s an *attractive* typewriter. Some of the classic typewriters are fabulous industrial design and can earn their keep just by sitting around and looking great. This one….not so much.
I was trying not to look to closely. $85 for old toilet paper?!?!? If I’m paying $85 for 4 rolls of tp, that shit better be made of pure cotton fabric.
Hell, same with $25 tp, where ever I came up with that!
I don’t want a partially used box of trash bags but I would be interested in whatever the seller is on that makes him/her look at the box and think ” I should totally sell this on Etsy!”
The answer: Movie props. This is also what the toilet paper likely would be used for. You’d be surprised how many odd things props buyers purchase. I sold some vintage Kleenexes a while back to 20th Century Fox.
No, $12.99. The $85 does seem a little out of whack. But you never know, really. People buy the strangest stuff. My thought is that I don’t need to understand, I just need to capitalize on it.
Can someone calculate theinvestment return on that tioletpaper? I am trying to diversify my retirement account. Say I could hold it for 40 years and adjust for inflation. Ka-Ching!
No, I’m right there with you. I can already envision working them in to one of my sculptures, but that’s because I use a lot of things that look like they come with tetanus.
Vintage TP. I know where this came from. It has to be from an estate sale. I can just see it on the bathroom counter, next to half full mouthwash bottles and dehydrated Avon perfume.
I have an elderly neighbor with a stash of blue Northern TP in her downstairs bathroom that is used only for guests (and she never has guests). Plus six cans of lilac-scented Glade that are not of recent vintage.
Her house is always kept clean and tidy. But I wonder what other stashes of stuff she has hidden in cabinets, cupboards, closets, and her full, finished basement.
She’s really sweet, and a great neighbor, and I hope she stays my neighbor for a good while longer. But knowing about her vintage TP/Glade stash, I can’t help but imagine what will come to light at the estate sale.
The person bought they typewriter on Etsy a few months ago, apparently with the intention of actually using it to type things. Did the original seller not disclose its condition in the listing?
I guess that’s a novel solution to an “I got ripped off on Etsy” problem – simply attempt to re-sell the faulty item yourself. I wonder if the original price was more or less than $42??
At least the seller very clearly discloses the condition. I’m just having a hard time figuring out why the pictures were taken on that chair. Perhaps to keep expectations low?
Oh, I can’t wait to get my very own Rusty Murder Tool Kit! Gives torture that rustic, medieval feel. And people* think the stuff I sell on Etsy is useless…
Yeah. She was also the one with the rotten pumpkins that she tried to save seeds from as the cleaning crew scraped it up–because it was such a gorgeous pumpkin before it rotted into goo and became home to fruit flies, don’tcha know.
That was the one episode I have actually had to pause to get a grip on my gag reflex. The pooping in bags I can handle… the rotting pumpkins, other food and flies, not so much. Go figure.
Okay, I now feel SO MUCH BETTER about my cluttered office. It may be a mess, and full of stuff, but it’s not got ancient, rotting food tucked in among the papers and other junk.
Yeah, I actually use that compulsion as a cleaning tool. When the house starts getting disgusting, I just sit down, watch about half an episode of Hoarders, and spend the rest of the day cleaning like I’m on fucking meth, muttering “I’m not a hoarder, I’m not a hoarder”…
Using these items as a guide, I am dizzy from calculating my own enormous net worth.
I’ve got regular-length pencils, pre-rusty tools, contemporary toilet paper, un-expired canned goods, and an old, working manual typewriter. I have only to sit back and wait for them to deteriorate, and ka-ching!
When cleaning out my step-grandfather’s house after his demise, I found an empty bottle of Windex from 1979. I kept it because it’s as old as I am and I can refill it, but Etsy has my mind a’wanderin’…
Excuse me, but being German myself, I can assure you that NOTHING ever made in Germany could be “useless” or “unsanitary”. Well, that goes for West Germany. I do not know if East Germany ever excelled in grater production.
So if I didnt have to worry about little things like tetanus and sharp objects, I’d be all over those rusted tools. I put on a haunted house for the trick or treaters, and they would be a perfect addition!
Sorry, I’m only interested in open boxes of half-used yellow garbage bags fit only for long-obselete and now absent containers if they were made before 1978.
I’m a freelance puzzle proofreader. If anybody’s interested in a collection of pencil stubs, just let me know. I can even throw in a few dead red rollerballs.
We are witnessing an etymological change in action here, folks. Remember when “vintage” meant “representing the high quality of a past time”? Me too. Etsy seems to have single-handedly morphed the word to now mean “Anything (ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING) that appears to be 5 years old or more”. This seems to have occurred in just the past 2 or 3 years.
It’s like when “lame” turned from meaning “injured” to “Godawful and terrible”.
In that same vein, I think it would be great to use the term “etsy” to mean “shitty, and of poor quality”. If enough of us started doing it, the word would change meaning for everybody.
I wish it was, I wish it was… Thanks for the kind words!
I actually do antique restoration during the day in a huge barn-like building filled with hoarder piles, actually. My boss is a furniture hoarder of epic proportions. The pay sucks, and I make my stuff at night and on weekends.
Have you tried linking up with a high-end interior design company? Also, do you have your work in local home furnishing stores? I hate to see talent unrewarded…just pisses me off when I see the contrast of all the crap here on Regretsy that people try to pass off as legitimate merchandise.
I think I would need to find someone in NYC or something. I don’t really know how to go about doing that, to be honest.
There’s an Artist’s Representative woman who contacted me and wants to put on some shows of my work and invite her rich Manhattan clients and friends, but she’s a bit flaky and who knows if that will ever happen. I’m sort of “treading water” at the moment.
A company like Room & Board might be interested, although they might want to buy in volume. They are based in Minneapolis, but source from furniture makers all over the US.
If you’re good at it, you might be able to set up a shop, too, especially if you’re in an area with lots of antiques. (I once paid a guy in Virginia to refinish a lawyer bookcase I inherited; it was worth every single penny.)
So are you American folks telling me all your loo roll is white? My mum would dye, she always buys peach (but doesn’t keep a store of vintage peach paper – no instant etsy millions for me then). I once had a friend who had a purple loo with bright purple paper – blurgh, I only ever buy white!
They stopped selling the colored and scented stuff here years ago. No fancy-ass paper for your fancy ass here. Except now they try to come up with design innovations like different quilting schemes and multi-multi plies. For a while one company was selling rolls so fat that they came with an extension for the roll holder. Brilliant!
The Quilted Northern takes me back… I had nightmares with those toilet paper girls in them! Going down the toilet paper section at the store, seeing all of those packages of TP together with the girls staring at me as a kid made grocery shopping really creepy!
Sweet fancy Moses, I just noticed that the seller of that rust-covered, buried-under-a-barn coffee can suggests using it in the kitchen to hold SERVING UTENSILS.
I can’t even comment. That just shocked all the smartass out of me. I’ve been de-snarked.
Squib, I just finished reading 214 comments expecting =someone= to point that out, figuring if they didn’t, I would. And you beat me to it, but it IS surprising it took so long for the subject to come up!
I read this site for entertainment, and for a good head shake now and again. This time I was like…aroo? Okay the typwriter and the rusty tools, someone might want them, more a flea market type thing than shit to sell online, but fine, whatever. The rest of that shit….REALLY? Old trash bags, effed up used pencils and TOILET PAPER?!? The fuckwits at etsy are just becoming more full of jackshit and asshattery by the day. What’s worse….some other jackwad (read hoarder) is going to buy crap of this sort as this years must have crapola. Bleh.
Decorating your home with rusty tools is a wonderful way to tell house guests not to drink anything you offer them, and to fake a family emergency phone call as soon as possible.
I think I’m starting to see a pattern here. These items are meant to be purchased in groupings.
If you plan on buying the broken typewriter you better buy the pencils too, if you’re thinking of actually writing anything. Maybe you can sharpen them with some of the rusty tools.
And if that rusty tin can is big enough you could make a TP “cozy” out of it and use it to conceal a spare roll of peach colored toilet paper in the guest bathroom.
I was going to say “loo” but I didn’t want to look like a poseur.
That “vintage” colored t.p. reminds me how much more festive and joyous it was to toilet paper someone’s house in the 80′s. It’s just not the same using the plain white stuff.
When did America give up on colored toilet paper?? I must have missed that international memo!
I can buy toilet paper here with pretty blue flowers on it, bet you are all jealous now, I will easily send you some for $50.00 plus $25.00 shipping, what a steal!
On another note, I think we should rename Etsy, Etshyte!!
July 17, 2012 at 6:31 pm
I can save myself $4.25 on those pencils since I have a bunch of mashed up old, yellow pencils anyway.
July 17, 2012 at 6:42 pm
who has that many old pencils without bite marks on them? not me, that’s fur shur.
July 17, 2012 at 7:03 pm
If they don’t have bite marks – they aren’t the real thing!
July 18, 2012 at 2:21 pm
I don’t care. They smell wooden. Who needs more than that?
July 17, 2012 at 7:21 pm
You just know the seller made sure that the word “IKEA” was face-down on half of those. Doesn’t take much for pencils to look “vintage.”
July 17, 2012 at 7:24 pm
I’m down with the ‘woodsy smell’, but what is yellow map color?
July 17, 2012 at 7:40 pm
Back in the day, colored pencils used to be called map colors/pencils. Usually cheap and not as artistic as Prisma Pencils.
July 18, 2012 at 11:42 am
I never knew that and I appreciate this new fact. Thank you!
July 18, 2012 at 9:50 am
Not “woodsy,” which implies piney woods. Wooden. As in, they smell exactly like they are made of wood.
Much like several of these items smell exactly like bullshit and desperation.
July 18, 2012 at 1:05 pm
Much like those pencils, I am very worn out, old and smell of wood.
July 17, 2012 at 11:18 pm
I can’t figure out why they’d be good for a birthday party. What kind of birthday parties does this seller have?
July 18, 2012 at 6:46 am
used pencils = worst party favor ever
July 18, 2012 at 7:33 am
They’re not just used, they’re decomposing!
July 18, 2012 at 2:36 pm
They’re not decomposing, they’re pining.
July 18, 2012 at 2:55 pm
Norwegian Blue pencils.
July 18, 2012 at 10:21 am
There’s a discount mini-golf course out there that’s really mad about its dwindling pencil supply . . .
July 17, 2012 at 6:33 pm
Ooohh. Tetanus. And those broken pencils take me back…
July 17, 2012 at 6:35 pm
Are you supposed to get a tetanus shot before ordering this shit?
July 17, 2012 at 6:39 pm
No. You are supposed to get a dozen tetanus shots. And a psychiatric examination.
July 17, 2012 at 7:23 pm
Just looking at whatever all that rusty shit is made my toothache worse. How on earth is that not in a landfill? I’m all for the environment but those sharp objects looked straight out of the Dark Ages. You aren’t supposed to photograph them. They’re not supposed to see light, period, ever, they belong in a covered hole.
July 17, 2012 at 6:36 pm
Don’t be so catty; do you KNOW how hard is it to find the peach colored toilet paper these days?
July 17, 2012 at 6:38 pm
It would be cheaper to wipe my ass with dollar bills. Plus I’d get that bonus of feeling like a rapper.
July 18, 2012 at 8:06 am
“that bonus of feeling like a rapper” is worth the bacteria. It always is.
July 18, 2012 at 5:52 pm
Rappers like to take chances, right?
July 17, 2012 at 6:53 pm
Who the hell sits on a package of toilet paper from the 80′s? Peach at that! Seriously, was it just in case of emergency? If the whole Cold War thing didn’t work out, you’d be set for the crapper in style!
July 17, 2012 at 7:00 pm
Well, peach WAS a very popular color in the 1980s. Not EVERY color scheme was Miami Vice, you know!
*shakes head in disbelief*
July 17, 2012 at 7:04 pm
I had this awesome toilet paper once, but I ripped the packaging and now it’s not worth anything.
July 17, 2012 at 7:09 pm
Now it’s not worth shit.
July 17, 2012 at 11:27 pm
now I know not to open my limited edition lambi toilet paper! it’ll be worth 100 bucks in 20 years!
July 17, 2012 at 7:12 pm
I actually prefer Designing Women dusty rose for my toilet paper, but lately, all the store has is Facts of Life blue.
July 17, 2012 at 7:13 pm
MethinksI think peach *was* part of the Miami Vice color scheme. I have a memory of Sonny Crockett wearing a peach tshirt a time or two. Not that I slavishly watched the show, or anything like that.July 17, 2012 at 9:29 pm
A few years ago, my elderly neighbor suddenly ended up in the hospital. I fed her cats for a few days until her son could get here.
Once, I used her downstairs bathroom (which had been nicely decorated sometime around 1977 in a pale blue color scheme). I used the last of the toilet paper, so looked in the vanity for a fresh roll.
In the front was a package of regular white toilet paper. Shoved to the back, however, were three packages of pale blue Northern, plus a half-used package, plus a half-used roll of the same pale blue TP that had been removed from the spindle and put back into the half-used package.
Seems the blue TP was special stuff, reserved strictly for (infrequent) guests. Same with the six aged cans of lilac-scented Glade she had stashed alongside it.
So I suspect another old lady with a penchant for stocking up on “guest” TP (and a peach bathroom) is the source of this–for this is the stuff estate sales are made of.
July 17, 2012 at 10:11 pm
George Carlin made a similar point about blue food. Google that shit.
July 18, 2012 at 4:57 am
Estate sale or death of an elderly relative or neighbor is exactly what I thought was the likeliest source of that unopened vintage tp!
July 18, 2012 at 6:00 am
I bet there are a lot of grandmas with colored toilet paper stuffed way back in the bathroom cabinet. Colored TP was pulled from the market amist allegations it caused UTIs. I don’t believe there was a recall (mid ’80′s)but people were told to stop using it. I’m sure grandma didn’t want to toss it so she saved it for an emergency. But she would never use it or put it out for guests.
Or are they jewish? Because there could be a whole nother reason for blue and white toilet paper.
July 18, 2012 at 6:21 am
Wow I just looked it up… apparently the FDA banned it in 1987 because it was causing CANCER in lab animals
July 18, 2012 at 8:31 am
How did they train lab animals to wipe?!
July 18, 2012 at 1:09 pm
I assume front to back, just like they train humans.
July 18, 2012 at 1:37 pm
When my grandmother got old she used to worry a lot about running out of toilet paper. She was pretty obsessive. I just hope I don’t turn out that way.
July 18, 2012 at 8:10 am
Well what do you think happens to all that shit they drag out of Grandma’s house after sending her ass upstate? That retirement home isn’t gonna pay for itself!
Personally I’d wait till they list the 70′s pink blow dryer and the 27 year old tin of McCormick ground black pepper.
July 18, 2012 at 8:33 am
Don’t mock. I still have several jars of what I refer to as “heritage herbs” from my mom’s kitchen. (She died in 1996.)
I don’t USE them, I just HAVE them.
I did manage to break the jar of “heritage bacon drippings” a few years back, though. That was sad.
I need help, don’t I?
July 18, 2012 at 1:11 pm
My mother went through her kitchen when she moved and got rid of several dozen jars of McCormick and Spice Islands stuff from the 1970s.
I almost protested that that was my inheritance, and took them home with me, and then I got a grip, and helped her take the back out to curb.
July 18, 2012 at 3:42 pm
I wrote about my mom’s food hoarding. She has a jar of minced meat from 1970:
http://adventuresinthriftland.blogspot.com/2012/05/unlikely-bequest.html
July 18, 2012 at 7:34 pm
We just went through the refrigerator and cabinets and were throwing away things like an unopened box of tofu burgers in the back of the freezer with a “best used by” date of 2005, and a heat-and-eat Pad Thai packet with a best used by date of 2000. I didn’t bother opening the pack of hot dogs that expired 7 months ago to “smell them to see if they were still OK”. I just tossed them.
We actually finally used up the case of sterno I stocked up on in 1999 just in case we needed it for the big Y2K disaster.
July 20, 2012 at 9:23 am
I am feeling much better about myself. Thanks, Regretsians.
July 18, 2012 at 1:16 am
It is very hard to find vintage peach toilet paper, but for the weirdo’s who like their toilet paper a little fresher, you can get peach coloured toilet paper in Mexico.
July 18, 2012 at 6:06 pm
Yeah, like you’re going to be able to smuggle that past the customs guards with their TP sniffing dogs!
July 18, 2012 at 6:50 am
It matches the peach colored vinyl padded toilet seat!
July 17, 2012 at 6:36 pm
I can honestly say this is the first time I ever read the words “rare” and “lucite” in the same sentence.
July 17, 2012 at 6:43 pm
What do you know I have rare lucite in the back of my closet! So rare
July 17, 2012 at 6:45 pm
One of a kind , no doubt!
July 17, 2012 at 8:26 pm
This makes number 2 for me.
July 17, 2012 at 11:48 pm
Sounds like you’re in the market for some TP! Can I suggest vintage peach-colored Northern?
July 17, 2012 at 6:37 pm
Oh yeah, I want 20-year-old toilet paper and rusted tools. Holy shit, I can overlook the bugs that would be crawling over other stuff I’ve bought off Etsy, but I look at this stuff and want to soak it in Lysol before ever coming near it.
July 17, 2012 at 6:38 pm
Oh, and what about that hideous chair that the typewriter is in? Looks like they stole it from a motel.
July 17, 2012 at 7:23 pm
Or their grandmother’s house. That horrid, horrid 70s/80s fad of hideous orange and brown floral furniture.
July 17, 2012 at 7:41 pm
And that weird fabric that was like a cross between faux fur and velvet. It always felt…wrong. *shudder*
July 18, 2012 at 7:35 am
I wouldn’t call that color brown.
Just like baby poop is “brown” only in name.
July 17, 2012 at 9:40 pm
The nylon flag in the background really brings out the brown polyester flocking.
July 17, 2012 at 6:39 pm
Thirty year old toilet paper. Maybe you should buy an abacus instead.
July 17, 2012 at 6:58 pm
Excuse my math, I’m sleep-deprived. Worrying about…well, never mind.
July 17, 2012 at 7:09 pm
I hear sitting on the john with a roll of peach Northern helps clear the mind.
July 17, 2012 at 7:17 pm
Oh man, folks, if that seems cranky and passive-aggressive, I’m sorry. Posted before I thought. I am tired, worried about some health issues (not major, but still worrisome), can’t just go to bed cuz I have stuff to do…you know the whole drill. Sorry if I was grouchy.
July 17, 2012 at 7:42 pm
This is Regretsy. Bitch away, bitch.
July 17, 2012 at 8:40 pm
Thanks…I felt like I had been snippy and passive-aggressive. Maybe it wasn’t so bad.
Just been worried about what seems to be a chronic borderline anemia that doesn’t seem to be due to any of the Obvious Causes so we’re doing more tests to see if it’s in the Something Possibly Dire category or Just The Way I Was Made department. Looking back, it seems to have been going on all my life, and probably responsible for all sorts of crap. My parents used to yell at me for tiring out during yard/garden work and now I think, jeez, maybe I was just anemic?
I need to get some rest, stop researching anemia, stop fucking overthinking everything (a classic Vagrarian move, it’s my signature), and relax. Going to bed now. Thanks for putting up with my venting.
July 17, 2012 at 9:31 pm
I hear ya, Vagrarian. I had a car accident on the way to the gyno’s office for a pap smear. That’s a crappy day….wonder what will happen on the way to the hospital for that hysterectomy I’m going to have next month?
July 18, 2012 at 6:54 am
And a half empty box of hefty bags from the 70′s
July 17, 2012 at 6:37 pm
Are you sure this isn’t an “Etsy or Regresty?” game? Because I would like to believe a few of those are fake listings…
July 17, 2012 at 6:38 pm
I just registered for an account here, after a year of reading, to say the same. Broken pencils? Toilet paper? EIGHTY FIVE DOLLARS for toilet paper? This must be a game??
July 17, 2012 at 7:06 pm
I registered after a year of reading too! Just to say that now I can be an entrepreneur on Etsy. All I need is to scour the garbage bins around here for my rusted pretty patina treasures.
July 17, 2012 at 7:24 pm
Nope, this is no game. This is Etsy.
July 20, 2012 at 8:09 pm
I keep saying that in the announcer voice from Jeopardy: “This is…Etsy!”
July 17, 2012 at 6:40 pm
I want to believe they’re all fake. Every last one of them. I’ll sleep better tonight if I keep telling myself this is just a mistitled game of “Etsy or Regretsy?”
July 17, 2012 at 6:37 pm
The Quilted Northern 1982 version is by far the best, considering my vagina is younger than it. I believe it’s like a fine wine, but that might be my drunk self trying to tell me this.
July 17, 2012 at 7:14 pm
We have the perfect thing to go with that toilet paper. A vintage Renuzit air freshener where the photographer’s penis is hidden among the flowers on the can.
July 17, 2012 at 6:37 pm
The pile of sharp rusty things would be useful for Roger Rabbit/Baby Herman cosplay.
Unless one is on a scavenger hunt, who would want colored toilet paper? There’s a reason why they don’t make it any more.
July 17, 2012 at 10:23 pm
But it’s PEACH!!!
July 18, 2012 at 7:37 am
I just had the thought… is it scented? It might be worth some of that price if it’s scented.
July 17, 2012 at 6:38 pm
BTW…
My father used to keep a broken typewriter on his desk. He was an Army sergeant major. Whenever he needed to deeply express his rage at some idiotic private or pfc, my Dad would pick up the (already broken) typewriter and throw it on the floor as an expression of his (fake) rage. Whatever horrifying mistake they made was never repeated – by anybody.
He did this about 3 times a year. The typewriter was a fantastic prop; he had the supply sergeant keep him well set with broken useless typewriters for this reason.
He would never pay $42 for one though.
July 17, 2012 at 6:44 pm
You father is amazeballs.
July 17, 2012 at 6:53 pm
Yes, he still is. At 72 years old with two artificial knees, he can still throw a typewriter very convincingly.
Other people pick fights at the bar? My Dad picks fights at the salad bar. Last time it was because some old lady was picking out all the artichoke hearts from a salad, and wasn’t leaving any for others.
My Dad told her to leave some for the rest of us, and her husband hobbled back to the buffet with his cane pretty quick. Fortunately, the restaurant manager intervened with more artichoke hearts, and broke it up before my Dad got to bust that old guy’s dentures.
Dad realizes that his fighting days are over, but he also knows he has one really good punch in him. That said, he’s still more than a match for most folks in the 65+ crowd.
July 17, 2012 at 6:38 pm
Rare plastic hangars and vintage toilet paper? This is a secret Etsy Or Regretsy post, right?
July 17, 2012 at 6:38 pm
I find it hard to believe that they didn’t have to dip into the emergency stash of shit paper since 1982. I’ve had to resort to using kleenex several times just this year. Don’t ask what happens when we run out of kleenex.
July 17, 2012 at 6:40 pm
Makes you wish that Sears still sent those 1,000-page catalogs, don’t you?
July 17, 2012 at 9:33 pm
Those xmas catalogs were what dreams were made of back then.
July 18, 2012 at 10:27 am
I remember taking down my little brother as a kid so I could be the first to look at the toy section.
July 17, 2012 at 7:13 pm
In my apartment, we tend to resort to cardboard from the toilet paper roll. It’s that or the awkward “truffle shuffle” all the way across the apartment to the emergency stash of camping toilet paper.
July 18, 2012 at 12:09 am
After kleenex, cardboard. After cardboard, camping tp. After that?
It’s time for a shower.
July 18, 2012 at 6:12 am
“What? No mom, I didn’t run through the mud in my socks!”
July 18, 2012 at 1:18 pm
Wait, so you don’t have paper towels or a stash of extra fast food napkins?
Very handy in a TP emergency.
July 18, 2012 at 6:38 pm
One of the compulsions I inherited from my mother was the hoarding of toilet paper. When I’m down to my last 10 rolls I get anxious. I suppose it doesn’t help that the price point I refuse to exceed (50c per roll) means I have to buy it in lots of 12 or so anyway…
July 17, 2012 at 6:39 pm
I almost choked on a sandwich laughing when the 20 year old toilet paper scrolled up. I’m a little disappointed that it’s in excellent condition though, I was expecting a patina.
July 17, 2012 at 6:41 pm
Sorry, 30 year old toilet paper. That last decade adds to the value.
July 18, 2012 at 1:48 pm
You think some reseller saw it and is thinking “Reproduction vintage toilet paper! What an idea! I will have to research and find out what toilet paper is.”
July 17, 2012 at 6:39 pm
And you’re lucky folks, the instant collection of rusted tools and the can FROM UNDER A BARN come FREE with Tetanus and a nice pseudomonas infection! ORDER TODAY!
July 17, 2012 at 7:57 pm
If you order in the next fifteen minutes we’ll include a free upgrade to hantavirus!
July 18, 2012 at 8:58 am
I’ve been storing my rusty cans on top of fenceposts instead of under the barn. No wonder they don’t sell…
July 19, 2012 at 5:14 am
The rusty chain comes attached to a PlECE OF BARNWOOD. Clearly, that makes the price right there.
July 17, 2012 at 6:39 pm
Ooh, old toilet paper dated 1982! Look out Antiques Roadshow, even TP is getting a born-on date now.
July 17, 2012 at 6:40 pm
To think I could have raked in the money when I discovered my late grandfather’s “Vintage Tin, Vintage tin can, Large rusted tin can, repurposed tin can” collection in the garage, covered with steampunk vintage OOAK mouse droppings.
Fuckery.
July 17, 2012 at 6:40 pm
Being an Old Poop, that toilet paper is perfect for me.
July 17, 2012 at 6:42 pm
Every time HKApril posts one of these Etsy Hoarders, I hear the opening sounds (guitar bangs?) from “Law and Order.”
July 17, 2012 at 9:11 pm
Ha! Me, too!
July 18, 2012 at 7:40 am
Gavel bangs. Now I’m hearing it too!
July 18, 2012 at 12:59 pm
That thing actually has a name – the music supervisor who created it calls it “The Clang.”
‘”The Clang” is an amalgamation of nearly a dozen sounds, including an actual gavel, a jail door slamming, and five hundred Japanese monks walking across a hardwood floor.’
(Per Wikipedia, anyway. This factoid is not warranted or guaranteed for any particular purpose, as Wikipedia has a very high error rate.)
Most people I know call it the “Bong-Bong”, but one time I was watching an episode of SVU with closed captions on, and the closed captions called it “[Supenseful chime]“.
July 17, 2012 at 6:42 pm
I wish I’d had that toilet paper that time I traveled back to 1982.
I made the mistake of bringing modern toilet paper with me and when I pulled it out to wipe my ass, I was jolted back to the present day.
July 17, 2012 at 8:57 pm
Ten points for the “Somewhere in Time” reference. Christopher Reeve would be proud.
July 17, 2012 at 6:45 pm
That is the second most ugly chair I ever saw in my life. The first was in a thrift shop for $35 dollars. It was in the shape of a throne with yellow and purple fabric covered in thick clear vinyl. I almost bought it for the ugly factor alone and I often regret not buying it those 20 years ago. What a conversation piece or Regretsy bait???
July 17, 2012 at 6:46 pm
1. How the FUCK would “Vintage antique mini penicls” be good for a Birthday Party????
“Happy Birthday! For your present I got you disappointment!”
2. How did someone manage to keep toilet paper from 1982? 4 rolls doesn’t last a week in my house.
3. Hangers that you won’t find in any store! Except every store you’ve ever been in ever!
Etsy should have a Bullshit policy. If people think your listing is bullshit, it can be pulled.
July 17, 2012 at 6:52 pm
Maybe it’s a birthday party for a termite.
July 17, 2012 at 7:17 pm
Agreed, totally need a bullshit policy!
July 17, 2012 at 8:11 pm
My birthday is Thursday. I’m getting you all pencils.
July 18, 2012 at 7:11 am
Happy Birthday!Fuck you!July 17, 2012 at 6:47 pm
I’d never pay close to a Benjamin for thirty year-old TP.
But if she lowered the price, I’d be willing to drop a deuce for it.
July 17, 2012 at 6:47 pm
But guys, the dents and dings in the under-the-barn can tell a story. This story could be:
A) Stolen from grocery store. Beans eaten out of. Tossed out of moving car. Buried under barn.
B) Contained spotted dick. Spent years being made fun of on grocery shelves. Contents dumped in trash. Buried under barn.
C) Husband threw can out window. Missed trash can. Barn raised over can to hide evidence.
D) Waif child used as toy and got tetanus. Hid under barn waiting for the next victim.
July 17, 2012 at 6:48 pm
Confession – I admit to doing this (not the hoarding, I’m insanely anal/ocd), but only because people buy crap to make some prom dress with. Or something.
July 17, 2012 at 6:49 pm
Does anyone else use posts like these to click through to Etsy and report all the sellers? I don’t want to be a killjoy but I had to click on the hangers and write: THESE ARE NOT VINTAGE. YOU CAN BUY THEM IN WAL-MART.
July 17, 2012 at 6:51 pm
Why is ‘instant collection’ becoming a thing?
Who seriously has a need or desire for someone’s rusted do-dad’s?
July 17, 2012 at 6:56 pm
When I was a kid, “instant collections” were known as “trash”.
July 17, 2012 at 8:27 pm
Well, I’ve got plenty of my own instant collections in the garage. If only I could chip the rusty tools off the shelf they’re rusted onto.
July 17, 2012 at 8:59 pm
Just take the shelf off the wall and sell them as-is. Call it “Instant Collection with Mounted Display!” Bonus points if you can pass the shelf off as barnwood.
July 18, 2012 at 8:07 pm
Are vintage re-purposed kitchen cabinets close enough?
July 18, 2012 at 1:41 am
Simply put, instant collections are a simple decorating tool for people whose taste and discernment has not advanced beyond preschool levels.
Three blue things? Instant collection!
Four round things? Instant collection!
Five pointy, rusty junkyard rejects? Instant collection!
July 18, 2012 at 8:38 am
An “instant collection” of cheese graters? Who collects cheese graters?
Also, when did cheese graters become “display” pieces? Is there a worldwide shortage of picture frames? When you affix a photo to a cheese grater, it does not change the grater into something else. It’s just a cheese grater with a photo stuck to it.
July 18, 2012 at 1:15 pm
I may be weird, but I sort of liked the cheese graters. Not enough to buy the cheese graters, but enough to vaguely think that I could buy some from Goodwill, and hang them decoratively, maybe even with shit magneted on to them.
July 17, 2012 at 6:51 pm
I dunno I think I’d buy that VINTAGE TOILET PAPER for $85. I can set it up in my living room so everyone can know what toilet paper looked like 30 years ago.
Bitch please.
July 17, 2012 at 6:53 pm
Perfect for a birthday party. Uh huh. Does she dig erasers out from behind her desk and scrape gum from sidewalks to round out these loot bags?
I’m betting there’s a wide circle of empty space around her at the school yard when she goes to pick up her kid(s).
July 17, 2012 at 6:59 pm
Dammit! I just peed a little laughing so hard at your comment!
July 17, 2012 at 6:53 pm
Rusted Tin Can… part of the overpriced Fallout Memorabilia Collection.
July 17, 2012 at 6:57 pm
I squee’d like no nerd has squee’d before. All my thumbs: they belong to you.
July 17, 2012 at 6:56 pm
I suppose it’s time for another round of the Hoarders Drinking Game: one shot for every dead cat discovered anywhere in the house. Let’s start with that armchair abomination, for I can guarantee at least a good buzz off of whatever might be found underneath. And I’ll bet the Hefty box and that vintage tin, rusted, repurposed can aren’t exactly empty either.
July 17, 2012 at 9:37 pm
Two shots for every feces filled Stop and Shop bag.
July 18, 2012 at 7:44 am
There was an Animal Planet episode of animal hoarders with 96 live cats in the house alone (more in the yard) and somewhere around 14 to 20 dead cats (They weren’t sure how many more the live cats had eaten). You know, if you were looking to be thoroughly drunk and disgusted at the same time.
They had to condemn and destroy the house, by the way.
July 17, 2012 at 6:59 pm
The little girl’s face on the toilet paper really takes me back to my youth. If only there were a copy of The National Enquirer with Princess Di on the cover next to it and three siblings banging on the door I’d feel 12 again.
July 17, 2012 at 10:18 pm
That got to me, too. I was suddenly standing in the left-most wall aisle of the Miamisburg, OH Cub Foods, wondering if my family should be choosing our toilet paper by which urchin most resembled us, or which we liked best in general.
July 18, 2012 at 6:29 am
My thoughts: “Hmm, is Quilted Northern still around? I haven’t seen that package in forever. Oh yeah, it is, but with a very different package! I guess nowadays they can’t imply that a young child is soft.”
July 17, 2012 at 7:04 pm
Instant collection of rusted tools! Buy it for someone you hate.
July 17, 2012 at 7:06 pm
They can be giftwrapped inside the Tetanus Can and and given as a baby shower gift!
July 17, 2012 at 7:05 pm
$19.95 for three “vintage lucite hangers” that you won’t find in any store (except for every store you walk into these days, but those aren’t vintage, yes?)?
I’m sitting on a goldmine.
I’ll sell all 19 of the ones in my closet. $5 apiece and I won’t even charge you shipping.
*dusts off Paypal and waits patiently for all the orders to pile in*
July 17, 2012 at 10:21 pm
Wait a minute… So, THAT’S why Goodwill always wants their hangers back at the checkout!
July 17, 2012 at 7:09 pm
If that typewriter is “vintage” for being made in the mid 70′s, my mother will be very disheartened to find out that she is vintage as well. (I’m still in my teen years.)
July 17, 2012 at 7:12 pm
Vintage on Etsy is anything 20 years old or older… I’m minimum vintage + 2 years.
Too bad selling yourself as “vintage” is illegal, I could make a killing.
July 17, 2012 at 7:20 pm
Ah, it makes a bit more sense now.
July 18, 2012 at 5:06 am
When Etsy starts making sense, it’s time to back away from the computer.
July 18, 2012 at 2:06 pm
I will be twice vintage next summer. I must be nearly twice as valuable as you are (on Etsy!)
July 17, 2012 at 7:13 pm
I really, REALLY want to know WHY the seller thinks their old toilet paper is worth EIGHTY-FIVE AMERICAN DOLLARS. Do they think there is some rabid Quilted Northern fan out there who is going to set this on a little shrine surrounded by votive candles? I’m genuinely curious.
July 17, 2012 at 10:27 pm
I think they might be banking on some executive at Northern finding the listing and thinking it would be a perfect show of company loyalty for their office. Because no company, ever keeps an archive of their labels and packaging throughout the years, already.
Or some Northern retiree who’d pay just anything for this rare and glorious reminder of the good ol’ days.
Any other reason would be just too mad to consider.
July 18, 2012 at 11:01 am
What– you haven’t been to the Northern TP Museum? I thinks it’s off Rt 66 somewhere. Their aquisitions dept is alway looking for rare additions.
July 18, 2012 at 3:46 pm
A while back I sold this vintage Clorox bleach to, guess who? The Clorox Corporate Archives!
https://www.etsy.com/transaction/64897448
Read more at http://www.regretsy.com/2012/07/17/the-etsy-hoarders-collection-3/#EvZJwkcmbk7MTWoZ.99
July 18, 2012 at 6:58 pm
I can sort of see how that might be an option with the toilet paper, but their price seems so exorbitant for something from the 80s. I don’t know how much your bleach box went for, but going by the prices of other items in your shop, I doubt it was so outrageously high. And that’s not even considering the fact that yours was from a couple decades earlier.
July 18, 2012 at 7:08 pm
It was $12.99. I got it from my uncle’s dad’s house. I helped with the estate sale and went through the bags of of things one of the family members had thrown away. There was lots of strange but salable items in it. I get a small thrill out of rescuing stuff like this (even though I’m not a hoarder, I really like to see what sorts of things people will buy).
July 18, 2012 at 4:24 am
Remember “Rule 34″?
I bet someone out there really, REALLY likes Northern Quilt Peach TP.
Who knows… maybe he even could resell it after having
usedupcycled it…?!July 18, 2012 at 1:30 pm
A while back I sold this vintage Clorox bleach to, guess who? The Clorox Corporate Archives! https://www.etsy.com/transaction/64897448
July 18, 2012 at 3:46 pm
Oops. Meant to post this as a reply to a comment above.
July 18, 2012 at 2:06 pm
Plus it really shows you how far the value of a US dollar has fallen.
Legend has it that in pre-Pedobear, pre-Mommy-as-chauffeur days, you could send your kid to the store for milk, eggs and a 4-pack of TP with 5 bucks, tell them to buy a comic book for themselves, and you’d get change back.
July 17, 2012 at 7:18 pm
Whenever I see old rusty graters on the junk market now I’ll be thinking to myself – “gee, you know what? I could ‘upcycle’ those into some kick ass mounts for display. Frames be damned!”
July 17, 2012 at 7:23 pm
Okay, as a typewriter collector with close to 300 typers, I can understand why someone might buy a nonfunctional typewriter. Most collectors know how to do their own repairs, and interior decorators just want something that will look good in the scene.
Having said that, this Smith-Corona looks like a Zephyr II. Those things were shit when they were new. You couldn’t pay me to take one.
July 18, 2012 at 1:33 am
Wow, a non-sarcastic thanks for teaching me something random but interesting. I… no, wait, I lost it. Back to the drinking.
July 17, 2012 at 7:26 pm
my parents’ garage is full of this stuff. (except the toilet paper. we wouldn’t waste things like that.)
i’m gonna be rich! our garage is filled with stuff from the last … three??? decades. well, it was filled. we’re cleaning it out. D:
July 17, 2012 at 7:30 pm
My uncle found a tool that rusty, left under the floor, while renovating his Victorian home. His frugal self barely made out the word “Craftsman”.
Sears honored the Craftsman Guarantee. He displays the new wrench with pride. Seriously. Like right next to his stainless steel Delorean, for which he payed $2K. Think Back to the Future. Same model.
I’m afraid he’ll be arrested for price stalking.
July 17, 2012 at 7:50 pm
I think I love your uncle.
July 17, 2012 at 8:54 pm
A friend of ours took a bunch of charred, rusty Craftsmen tools back to the store after their house burned up in a wildfire, and they exchanged them too. He’s a thrifty guy, and a bunch of them had been rusty and old when he got them, so he was very pleased with that.
July 17, 2012 at 9:19 pm
I accidentally ran over a Craftsman weed-whacker with my car, and completely demolished it.
Replaced, no questions asked.
July 17, 2012 at 9:39 pm
Sears doesn’t honor rust anymore (at least the store by me).
July 17, 2012 at 10:22 pm
I think I just heard America die.
July 18, 2012 at 8:48 pm
If you have too much time on your hands my father-in-law has discovered that most show shovels are warrantied with a “no questions asked” deal and some expensive fans. Also apparently swiffer will replace any of their wetjets and the broom thingies and they send you coupons for tampons to say sorry.
I have spent too much time pondering what my FIL should do with those tampons….
July 18, 2012 at 1:31 am
my boyfrined just had a huge torque wrench give out and he took it to sear ( craftsman) and because they no longer make that exact one and their torque wrenches now ar only guaranteed for 1 year they didn’t know what to do so they had to call the corp office and they told the store to give him the one closes to his which was 89.00 and he got it for free!!! it sat on the kitched counter for a good week and every time he walked by he said…don’t you love my free torque wrench?? I don’t know how sears makes money doing that, but yard sales are a gold mine if you are a tool person!!
July 18, 2012 at 11:34 am
You and your boyfriend regard Sears highly now, right? You and he will likely go to Sears first for something they sell instead of Home Depot or some other store, right? THAT’S how Sears makes money–good customer relations.
Unfortunately, they spent a lot of money on their online presence and let their brick-and-mortar stores go to hell (not updating them in a decade or so), which is why many of them are closing.
July 17, 2012 at 7:33 pm
Old trash bags, rusty bullshit tools that don’t work, three over-priced hangers, and vintage TOILET PAPER? What the fuck is wrong with people? Seriously? And the PENCILS? Are you kidding me? I have no more faith in mankind or in creative spirit if this crap sells.
(I can get the “point” of an old typewriter for decorating purposes. I wouldn’t spend more than 10.00 on it myself, but I get it)
July 18, 2012 at 1:04 pm
I can get the point if it’s an *attractive* typewriter. Some of the classic typewriters are fabulous industrial design and can earn their keep just by sitting around and looking great. This one….not so much.
July 17, 2012 at 7:33 pm
I will never understand the idea behind an “instant collection,” particularly when these collections are nothing more than unwanted, useless garbage.
July 17, 2012 at 7:37 pm
The pencils would be good for “some kind of event”
Even the seller could not think of a good reason to buy them.
July 17, 2012 at 10:17 pm
I suppose if sharpened, they could be used to stake very small vampires. . .how big is that guy from “Twilight?”
July 18, 2012 at 4:02 am
Sharpened they’d make great stakes for Lilliputian vampire hunters… as for Edward, a splinter from one could probably take his sparkly ass down.
July 18, 2012 at 1:05 pm
“Some kind of event”
Golf tournament.
July 18, 2012 at 3:54 pm
I could see them being used as a photo prop for a cutesy blog.
July 17, 2012 at 7:56 pm
The day I pay $25 plus shipping for 30 year old TP is the day I want my daughter to drag me out into a field and shoot me.
Scratch that. The day I buy ANY of this useless trash she better damn well commit me to the nearest Macadamia Farm.
July 17, 2012 at 8:22 pm
Nooooo, look at the TP listing again. They’re asking EIGHTY FIVE DOLLARS for it, not twenty five.
July 18, 2012 at 3:40 pm
I was trying not to look to closely. $85 for old toilet paper?!?!? If I’m paying $85 for 4 rolls of tp, that shit better be made of pure cotton fabric.
Hell, same with $25 tp, where ever I came up with that!
July 17, 2012 at 7:59 pm
My grandparents served me dessert topped with some Hershey’s syrup right out of a freshly opened tin can a few weeks ago.
The best part was that the coupon on the back expired before my little sister was born. Maybe if we had kept it for another 10 – 15 years.
July 17, 2012 at 7:59 pm
What is it with the little etsy cupcakes and them selling tetanus? That shit is downright scary man.
July 18, 2012 at 4:04 am
The little darlings probably don’t know HOW someone gets tetanus. They probably think you need to be bitten by the tetanus bug.
July 17, 2012 at 8:03 pm
Am I the only one that notices the absence of barnwood from these photos?
July 17, 2012 at 8:38 pm
there is also an absence of the “steam punk” title.
July 18, 2012 at 4:05 am
Maybe barnwood and steampunk have jumped the shark for the cupcakes. “Instant collection” seems to be gaining ground at a rapid pace however.
July 17, 2012 at 8:07 pm
I don’t want a partially used box of trash bags but I would be interested in whatever the seller is on that makes him/her look at the box and think ” I should totally sell this on Etsy!”
July 18, 2012 at 5:59 am
The answer: Movie props. This is also what the toilet paper likely would be used for. You’d be surprised how many odd things props buyers purchase. I sold some vintage Kleenexes a while back to 20th Century Fox.
July 18, 2012 at 1:07 pm
But did they net you $85?
July 18, 2012 at 3:49 pm
No, $12.99. The $85 does seem a little out of whack. But you never know, really. People buy the strangest stuff. My thought is that I don’t need to understand, I just need to capitalize on it.
July 18, 2012 at 3:52 pm
But it was a tiny purse pack that, incidentally, people were making fun of here on Regretsy.
https://www.etsy.com/transaction/81320951
July 17, 2012 at 8:32 pm
Can someone calculate theinvestment return on that tioletpaper? I am trying to diversify my retirement account. Say I could hold it for 40 years and adjust for inflation. Ka-Ching!
July 18, 2012 at 3:50 pm
Best comment ever!
July 17, 2012 at 8:55 pm
I think I’ve been working too long in the heat today, because I’m finding those pencils weirdly compelling. :/
July 18, 2012 at 11:08 am
No, I’m right there with you. I can already envision working them in to one of my sculptures, but that’s because I use a lot of things that look like they come with tetanus.
July 17, 2012 at 9:10 pm
Vintage TP. I know where this came from. It has to be from an estate sale. I can just see it on the bathroom counter, next to half full mouthwash bottles and dehydrated Avon perfume.
This is dead old lady toilet paper.
July 17, 2012 at 9:45 pm
I have an elderly neighbor with a stash of blue Northern TP in her downstairs bathroom that is used only for guests (and she never has guests). Plus six cans of lilac-scented Glade that are not of recent vintage.
Her house is always kept clean and tidy. But I wonder what other stashes of stuff she has hidden in cabinets, cupboards, closets, and her full, finished basement.
She’s really sweet, and a great neighbor, and I hope she stays my neighbor for a good while longer. But knowing about her vintage TP/Glade stash, I can’t help but imagine what will come to light at the estate sale.
July 18, 2012 at 2:38 pm
My husband prays every day that he will die first. I’ve threatened people with leaving all my possessions to them if they are unkind to me.
I am not a hoarder, but I could easily play one on TV.
July 18, 2012 at 4:54 pm
There’s something terrifying about ancient bathroom products (and kitchen products) isn’t there?
July 17, 2012 at 9:13 pm
“whatever you may want to use it for”
Except, apparently, typing.
July 18, 2012 at 1:11 pm
The person bought they typewriter on Etsy a few months ago, apparently with the intention of actually using it to type things. Did the original seller not disclose its condition in the listing?
I guess that’s a novel solution to an “I got ripped off on Etsy” problem – simply attempt to re-sell the faulty item yourself. I wonder if the original price was more or less than $42??
July 18, 2012 at 7:18 pm
At least the seller very clearly discloses the condition. I’m just having a hard time figuring out why the pictures were taken on that chair. Perhaps to keep expectations low?
July 18, 2012 at 5:16 pm
I’d rather have the typewriter than the couch. At least the former won’t harbor vermin and diseases.
July 17, 2012 at 9:23 pm
Oh, I can’t wait to get my very own Rusty Murder Tool Kit! Gives torture that rustic, medieval feel. And people* think the stuff I sell on Etsy is useless…
*mainly my husband.
July 18, 2012 at 1:02 pm
Damn. “Rusty Murder”.
Is it too late to change my screen name? Could someone sketch me up a new avatar?
July 17, 2012 at 9:23 pm
July 17, 2012 at 9:41 pm
Was this the lady who hoarded food?
July 17, 2012 at 9:48 pm
Yeah. She was also the one with the rotten pumpkins that she tried to save seeds from as the cleaning crew scraped it up–because it was such a gorgeous pumpkin before it rotted into goo and became home to fruit flies, don’tcha know.
July 21, 2012 at 8:30 pm
That was the one episode I have actually had to pause to get a grip on my gag reflex. The pooping in bags I can handle… the rotting pumpkins, other food and flies, not so much. Go figure.
July 18, 2012 at 2:12 pm
What’s that lady doing in my kitchen?
July 18, 2012 at 2:13 pm
Okay, yeah, standing. But still . . .
July 18, 2012 at 4:56 pm
Okay, I now feel SO MUCH BETTER about my cluttered office. It may be a mess, and full of stuff, but it’s not got ancient, rotting food tucked in among the papers and other junk.
July 17, 2012 at 9:32 pm
Kind of off subject, but does anyone else feel compelled to clean madly after watching Hoarders? or am I the only one who actually watches it???
July 17, 2012 at 9:55 pm
Oh no, I certainly do watch it. It makes me feel better about the mess in my room.
July 17, 2012 at 10:48 pm
Yeah, I actually use that compulsion as a cleaning tool. When the house starts getting disgusting, I just sit down, watch about half an episode of Hoarders, and spend the rest of the day cleaning like I’m on fucking meth, muttering “I’m not a hoarder, I’m not a hoarder”…
July 17, 2012 at 11:03 pm
That’s me exactly! Hansen’s energy drinks are just like meth….that, and severe insomnia induced sleep deprivation…
July 18, 2012 at 7:14 am
I put it on while I clean, in fact.
July 17, 2012 at 9:35 pm
After poking around my garage I have reserved a new Etsy shop name. I hope to be listing stuff soon. It shall be called:
Rust & Dead Things
True. Seriously.
July 17, 2012 at 9:37 pm
Using these items as a guide, I am dizzy from calculating my own enormous net worth.
I’ve got regular-length pencils, pre-rusty tools, contemporary toilet paper, un-expired canned goods, and an old, working manual typewriter. I have only to sit back and wait for them to deteriorate, and ka-ching!
July 17, 2012 at 10:27 pm
I’m just glad to see the props from “Motel Hell” have found new life.
July 17, 2012 at 10:38 pm
One of my all time favorite movies, thanks for reminding me!
July 17, 2012 at 10:39 pm
When cleaning out my step-grandfather’s house after his demise, I found an empty bottle of Windex from 1979. I kept it because it’s as old as I am and I can refill it, but Etsy has my mind a’wanderin’…
July 17, 2012 at 11:12 pm
Those fake,dirty roses really cheer up the place. I’ve never seen so much damn rustic charm in all my life. Where the fuck is my Wellbutrin?
July 18, 2012 at 8:13 am
You’re viewing it out of context. When placed in a cardboard box home in an abandoned subway tunnel, it really brightens up the place.
July 17, 2012 at 11:16 pm
The final card on the rusty graters says “69″.
!
That is disease waiting to happen. Do not follow that card’s directions, no matter how lonely the grater looks.
July 18, 2012 at 3:04 am
Excuse me, but being German myself, I can assure you that NOTHING ever made in Germany could be “useless” or “unsanitary”. Well, that goes for West Germany. I do not know if East Germany ever excelled in grater production.
July 18, 2012 at 3:04 am
I call Chinese re-sell on the pencils!
July 18, 2012 at 3:33 am
So if I didnt have to worry about little things like tetanus and sharp objects, I’d be all over those rusted tools. I put on a haunted house for the trick or treaters, and they would be a perfect addition!
July 18, 2012 at 5:00 am
Sorry, I’m only interested in open boxes of half-used yellow garbage bags fit only for long-obselete and now absent containers if they were made before 1978.
July 18, 2012 at 1:22 pm
Ha ha! Those are my trash bags, and I still find your comment hilarious.
July 18, 2012 at 5:02 am
I might buy one of those graters though. A fond memento of the time I grated old Hepzebiah’s face off.
July 18, 2012 at 5:34 am
I’m a freelance puzzle proofreader. If anybody’s interested in a collection of pencil stubs, just let me know. I can even throw in a few dead red rollerballs.
July 18, 2012 at 7:30 am
I really think the rusty tools and can would go well in my secret underground room… just adds the right decor
July 18, 2012 at 7:50 am
We are witnessing an etymological change in action here, folks. Remember when “vintage” meant “representing the high quality of a past time”? Me too. Etsy seems to have single-handedly morphed the word to now mean “Anything (ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING) that appears to be 5 years old or more”. This seems to have occurred in just the past 2 or 3 years.
It’s like when “lame” turned from meaning “injured” to “Godawful and terrible”.
July 18, 2012 at 8:28 am
In that same vein, I think it would be great to use the term “etsy” to mean “shitty, and of poor quality”. If enough of us started doing it, the word would change meaning for everybody.
What fun.
July 18, 2012 at 8:53 am
Well Matt, that’s not going to happen as long as people like you are keeping shops on Etsy…You’ve got some amazing stuff…I hope that is your day job.
July 18, 2012 at 8:56 am
I wish it was, I wish it was… Thanks for the kind words!
I actually do antique restoration during the day in a huge barn-like building filled with hoarder piles, actually. My boss is a furniture hoarder of epic proportions. The pay sucks, and I make my stuff at night and on weekends.
July 18, 2012 at 9:23 am
Have you tried linking up with a high-end interior design company? Also, do you have your work in local home furnishing stores? I hate to see talent unrewarded…just pisses me off when I see the contrast of all the crap here on Regretsy that people try to pass off as legitimate merchandise.
July 18, 2012 at 10:07 am
I think I would need to find someone in NYC or something. I don’t really know how to go about doing that, to be honest.
There’s an Artist’s Representative woman who contacted me and wants to put on some shows of my work and invite her rich Manhattan clients and friends, but she’s a bit flaky and who knows if that will ever happen. I’m sort of “treading water” at the moment.
July 26, 2012 at 6:37 am
A company like Room & Board might be interested, although they might want to buy in volume. They are based in Minneapolis, but source from furniture makers all over the US.
July 18, 2012 at 4:59 pm
If you’re good at it, you might be able to set up a shop, too, especially if you’re in an area with lots of antiques. (I once paid a guy in Virginia to refinish a lawyer bookcase I inherited; it was worth every single penny.)
July 18, 2012 at 5:00 pm
(And then you can combine a furniture show room with the restoration work, perhaps.)
July 18, 2012 at 8:56 am
I’m all over those Lucite hangers…I know I have some ragged muslin and a “vintage” crochet butterfly around here somewhere…
July 18, 2012 at 10:20 am
Hey, the people behind the SAW movies called. They need their props back.
July 18, 2012 at 10:24 am
Holy tetanus, Batman!
July 18, 2012 at 10:41 am
Unrelated to the topic at hand, but “Manos: Hands of Fate” is the best MST3K episode ever.
July 18, 2012 at 10:30 am
So are you American folks telling me all your loo roll is white? My mum would dye, she always buys peach (but doesn’t keep a store of vintage peach paper – no instant etsy millions for me then). I once had a friend who had a purple loo with bright purple paper – blurgh, I only ever buy white!
July 18, 2012 at 2:44 pm
They stopped selling the colored and scented stuff here years ago. No fancy-ass paper for your fancy ass here. Except now they try to come up with design innovations like different quilting schemes and multi-multi plies. For a while one company was selling rolls so fat that they came with an extension for the roll holder. Brilliant!
July 18, 2012 at 10:33 am
The Quilted Northern takes me back… I had nightmares with those toilet paper girls in them! Going down the toilet paper section at the store, seeing all of those packages of TP together with the girls staring at me as a kid made grocery shopping really creepy!
July 18, 2012 at 11:09 am
It was almost like this…
my super psycho sweet sixteen pictures
July 18, 2012 at 12:16 pm
Sweet fancy Moses, I just noticed that the seller of that rust-covered, buried-under-a-barn coffee can suggests using it in the kitchen to hold SERVING UTENSILS.
I can’t even comment. That just shocked all the smartass out of me. I’ve been de-snarked.
July 18, 2012 at 2:35 pm
Squib, I just finished reading 214 comments expecting =someone= to point that out, figuring if they didn’t, I would. And you beat me to it, but it IS surprising it took so long for the subject to come up!
July 18, 2012 at 3:50 pm
Well I keep wondering why that little girl’s eyes are two different colors. Or is that just the vintage patina of the plastic?
July 18, 2012 at 2:32 pm
I read this site for entertainment, and for a good head shake now and again. This time I was like…aroo? Okay the typwriter and the rusty tools, someone might want them, more a flea market type thing than shit to sell online, but fine, whatever. The rest of that shit….REALLY? Old trash bags, effed up used pencils and TOILET PAPER?!? The fuckwits at etsy are just becoming more full of jackshit and asshattery by the day. What’s worse….some other jackwad (read hoarder) is going to buy crap of this sort as this years must have crapola. Bleh.
July 18, 2012 at 3:51 pm
Hey, at least they’re not gynecological tools for operating on mutant women.
July 19, 2012 at 12:31 am
+1 for Dead Ringers reference.
July 21, 2012 at 8:34 pm
Oh I think I love you!
July 18, 2012 at 5:23 pm
Decorating your home with rusty tools is a wonderful way to tell house guests not to drink anything you offer them, and to fake a family emergency phone call as soon as possible.
July 18, 2012 at 6:42 pm
I think I’m starting to see a pattern here. These items are meant to be purchased in groupings.
If you plan on buying the broken typewriter you better buy the pencils too, if you’re thinking of actually writing anything. Maybe you can sharpen them with some of the rusty tools.
And if that rusty tin can is big enough you could make a TP “cozy” out of it and use it to conceal a spare roll of peach colored toilet paper in the guest bathroom.
I was going to say “loo” but I didn’t want to look like a poseur.
July 18, 2012 at 9:01 pm
That “vintage” colored t.p. reminds me how much more festive and joyous it was to toilet paper someone’s house in the 80′s. It’s just not the same using the plain white stuff.
July 18, 2012 at 10:33 pm
Those graters just scream ‘THIS ITEM MADE IT TO THE FRONT PAGE OF ETSY’.
July 19, 2012 at 11:01 am
When did America give up on colored toilet paper?? I must have missed that international memo!
I can buy toilet paper here with pretty blue flowers on it, bet you are all jealous now, I will easily send you some for $50.00 plus $25.00 shipping, what a steal!
On another note, I think we should rename Etsy, Etshyte!!
July 20, 2012 at 10:06 pm
You could make some good money exporting your lovely TP to the US!
July 19, 2012 at 11:38 pm
How is a typewriter-only repair shop still in business???!?!?!?
July 21, 2012 at 3:02 pm
Those pencils were on the front page today.
July 22, 2012 at 8:34 pm
Well, damn…..I sure got put in my place….
“Celtic
July 19 2012 2:25am EDT
Listing: http://www.etsy.com/listing/93967585/vintage-northern-quilted-peach-colored
Your kidding right?”
“DejaBlonde
July 19 2012 1:28pm EDT
Good Morning! Not kidding at all
Sold a package to a movie production company once and I see there are others on etsy:
http://www.etsy.com/listing/103131564/1979-vintage-blue-northern-toilet-tissue?...
Have a beautiful day!”
Good Morning! Not…