Sometimes, when I’m feeling kind of down, I like to put fake glasees on my tits and make meatloaf. If that doesn’t work, I stick a hearing aid up my ass and sit on my iPod.
Look at my boob-eyes! Look at them!!!
I see what she’s misunderstood here. You’re supposed to wear glasses on your face so people don’t notice you looking at THEIR boobs.
Boobs themselves don’t actually have eyes out side of that nightmare I have when I drink too much Canadian whiskey. This would only really be helpful if your boobs were horribly out of focus for some reason.
Isn’t having your tits stare at someone considered sexual harassment?
Is she nearnippled or farnippled?
She could just get contact pasties to fix either problem.
No, astigmatism would imply different sized boobs.
No, astigmatism would imply different sized boobs. Or the blurcle on one nipple was more fuzzy than the other on video.
Don’t you mean “areola-ism”?
Where can I get Corrective Contact Bras?
I found some here:
My grandmother had those glasses.
she looks like asian Alison PIll.
So uhh….this totally negates the idea that “My eyes are up here.”
Do they have a bi-focal version for older ladies?
If you need bi-focals, you might as well get a canasta chain, too.
You say that like it’s a bad thing.
Clip-ons. For your Sansabelts.
You know, I remember being in middle school with big boobs and how awful it was for boys to just stare at them while talking to me. I’m not sure if this is the ultimate revenge or a reason to encourage that behaviour. I’m both horrified and intrigued.
I’m sorry, did you say something?
I’m in the absurdly large range. It’s not as sexy as it sounds.
Just ask them to make a Paris Hilton’s sunglasses version.
Jackie O Titshades. That’s Hot.
Add an apostrophe and you’ve got the best pub name ever –
“So, now where are you off to, Sean?”
“Oh, back in a tick, Bridget. Just off to O’Titshades for a pint.”
Now you’ve just identified a business opportunity. Match your bikini top and sunglasses. 3-2-1 go!
My husband is a massage therapist, and he says that he knows that culturally speaking, when he sees a woman with overly large boobs he’s supposed to be attracted to her but all he thinks about is what they’re doing to her poor back and neck.
(of course, he’s a butt man, so job skills aside I think he’s a little biased already.)
Yeah, my favorite question is “Are they real?” because I don’t understand how anyone would volunteer for this. I mean, don’t get me wrong, they fill out a sweater and look great in a corset, but other than that? Pain. Grooves in my shoulders, neck and back pain. My niece upsized from an A to a D and I couldn’t believe it.
I work at an adult video store and can say conclusively that it’s because every red-blooded american man and lesbian is genetically predisposed to think it’s attractive. Even when their grossly engorged, watermelonesque globes hang pendulously down the front of their bodies so that their nipples are cupped by the hollows of their bony, protruding hips (seen on the cover of a magazine, and permanently scarred into the backs of my retinas. I think it was a Score from 2009)
How…how…unless you’re doing yoga, how do they even..,
for posterity’s sake, here is a picture. It’s not the same picture, or even the same girl, but quite similar. You’ll have to imagine where her nipples will fall when she stands up. NSFW.
Not sure it’s fair to call straight men “red-blooded.” I’m sure gays bleed the same color.
Your main thrust, however, reflects my experience in (of all things) digital artwork. Poser and DAZ Studio, which I make clothing for, are quite popular with fans of physically impossible giant tit-porn.
obviously, in the eyes of pornographers everywhere, there are no gay men. Porn featuring two men is certainly for women with no desire to see other women at the sausage festival.
Mine’s a butt man too. He says as far as breasts go, for him, any more than a handful is a waste.
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be proud! like Big Ang! XD
Oh don’t get me wrong. I love my girls and so does Mr. Craftard. I’m just not sure why someone would volunteer to strap 10 pound weights to their shoulders.
There are no bad boobs, only bad people.
Gives a whole new meaning to getting “pink eye.”
It never hurts to have another pair of eyes!
if she had her shirt off, at least you could pretend the aureolae were irises. And also tell the ambient room temperature.
My sister has one breast larger than the other. I doubt she’d want to call attention to that. Does she sell a monocle version?
Oh me too! You could put the monocle on the smaller one to make it seem larger.
If she does, it should come with a mustache merkin.
the glasses would add a stoned look – o O
Next thing will be glasses with mustaches for male genitalia.
24 hours and that’ll be on Etsy’s front page.
Gods I hope I’m wrong
Yeah, it already exists. Before I knew my husband, he went to Hedonism in Jamaica and some guy handed out “decorations” for the men. He still has his – it’s a little band with sunglasses…
Oh man, you could sell codpeices that look like one of these
The glasses would be like, the belt holding it on. Obviously the nose would be the ball pouch.
I have the 18 hour cross your heart boob glasses on right now. They lift and separate. I have 34/34 boob vision.
Hey! My eyes are down here!
Finally! A reason for flavored Visine!
Tits all fun and games until someone visits the optometrist.
maybe it’s for those sports fans who draw faces on their abdomens.
and look what I found doing an image search for the above:
I really wish I could unsee this.
Spiderman: Turn ON the Dark.
Was that “Dark” or “Dork”?
He seems to be a bit.. inadequately sized in the web-spinner department.
Spiderman’s a grower. Don’t hate.
He looks pretty pleased with it.
Personally, I think painting yourself to resemble Spider-Man is a much better response to a small penis than buying a Hummer or screaming about politics on web sites.
Put on some Tighty Spidey Whities!
I think I’m about to link a fanboy friend to something that will spoil his day. Thank you.
You can me both, Princess!
The Blue Man Group is getting bad ideas right now.
I was going to say something about the burns on my retinas and ask why you shared it, but as we speak I am making it my husband’s wallpaper, so I really can’t blame you ^_^
Gotta be regretsy bait!
I want this. Forget the shirt.
Aren’t these just basically the gigantic novelty glasses that were so popular in the late 1970′s, just done in a cat-eye frame? I suppose technically, I could buy a gross of them on Oriental Trading and hand them out as tit-specs at my next game night.
Well, fuck, there’s a well-planned party if I ever heard one. Tit-specs are mandatory for entry to my house.
I just heard “titspecs” to the tune of “Toot Sweets.” As sung by Dick Van Dyke. I can’t tell if some part of my childhood was just ruined or improved.
THANKS A LOT. I am extremely susceptible to earworms ON MY OWN — don’t need any help …
No one knows what it’s like…
… to be a hipster…
… on Etsy…
… behind boob eyes…
Someone tell Bill Murray!
Goddamn hipsters – there are no lenses in those frames!
They may have been poked out.
Guys don’t make passes at girls with tits in her glasses…
I bought these for my friend/maid of honor, because I love to make her laugh and she’s going to think this is the most insane thing ever created.
But now I’m starting to be concerned that she will show up at the wedding wearing them…
“But now I’m starting to be concerned that she will show up at the wedding wearing them…”
Not to worry–I’m sure the seller can do a reserve listing. How many are in the wedding party?
Perhaps this is how we can finally prevent all forms physical abuse against women? I mean, who’d hit a chick with glasses (on her tits)?
Now I want to buy a pair for That Guy With The Glasses.
She’s certainly making a spectacle of herself.
A chesticle, even.
Well…We all know that “the eyes are the nipples of the face”, so would that make your actual nipples the eyes of your torso?
I’ve noticed that generally the people who come up with this crap do not wear actual glasses themselves.
(I’d *eyeroll* but in this context that seems likely to be misinterpreted…)
he he, this triggers childhood memories! when my sister was a toddler she would always take my mom’s glasses and sunglasses and put them on her belly…which would stretch the arms out so they would be too loose to fit on my mom’s head. My sister woudl ask my mom in her cute little voice if she could hold her glasses. my mom would say, “ok, but only if you don’t put them on your tummy!” five minutes later she would hear giggles from the back seat, and upon looking in the rear view would, of course, see her glases stretched around my sister’s little tummy.
Years ago, my roommate had a Boxer (dog) named Sherman, and we would put sunglasses on top of his nub-tail so that became his nose and his asshole was the mouth. With the glasses on, his rear end became “Andy” for some reason, and we’d say, “Sherman, where’s Andy?” and he’d chase Andy around in circles.
I like to reimagine this story with a boxer (human fighter).
She’s reading the book at such a weird distance that it appears she doesn’t have glasses where she actually needs them.
I am inspired to make creepy eye pasties to go with these.
…that would be a burlesque act of nightmare fuel.
Giant creepy anime eyes! Dooo eet!
I used to work with a guy who collected pictures of eyes to put on his website. I say DO IT.
Huh, when I was a cool 13 years old or so, I met a guy on Gaia Online who would collect pictures of eyes. I wonder how many people out there collect the eyes of everybody they meet, and then display them online for casual perusal.
What a lamely staged photo. That looks like one of those old books that’s perennially at yard sales because nobody ever reads it. Like “The Curious World of the Star Nosed Mole” or “The Adventures of Ron, Boy Accountant”.
Or “C is for Chafing” or “Ragnar’s Guide to Home and Recreational Use of High Explosives”?
(Thanks to Princess Buzzkill Crying Glitter Eagle’s alter ego for bringing this library of lunacy to my attention.)
At first glance, my favorites there are “Moldavian Pimp” and “Carp: How to Catch Them”.
There are actually a lot of invasive carp in the river nearby here. And I was talking to some people who fish in it who have never caught one, since they don’t go for worms. This book is not as absurd as it might seem.
This is loosely related but I have the first book of 101 uses for your dead cat. Not sure where it came from but I found it again the other day.
I rather desperately need Ragnar’s Guide to Home and Recreational Use of High Explosives, but $300 is a bit more than I can justify spending.
I do believe my ex-boyfriend needs a copy of “How to Make Love While Conscious”.
Grandma gets “Who Cares About Elderly People”.
What’s sad is that I would be all over that Star Nosed Mole book. (I have a fondness for vintage nature books.)
Well, these definitely aren’t for me. I don’t make meatloaf or jiggle around to Elvis in the kitchen.
I mean, I jiggle, and sometimes it’s in the kitchen, but it’s definitely not to Elvis.
I prefer the Beeltes, myself. John Lennon, Bono, and the rest of the gang.
Alf, Abe Vigoda, Chachi, The Incredible Hulk, all of them… what a great gang. Good music, too. And good times.
I’m more of a hard rock, metal, dark wave, etc, type of gal.
You know, Disturbed, Ego Likeness, Cruxshadows, Abney Park… that kind of thing.}:P
At least the seller used “flair” instead of “flare.” /end grammar nerd
Finally something to go with my eyelash boobs!
Thanks, Etsy! (and Japan)
Ah, I love Kyary Paymu Paymu!
Derp. I meant Kyary Pamyu Pamyu, not Paymu Paymu. Gah!
So how does one roll one’s eyes in these without a surgeon?
The one item on Etsy that actually needs gratuitous nudity and they go for the plain white tee look? File this under Missed Opportunities.
Unfortunately I can only wear dark lenses on my boobs. My doctor says I have conjunctivi-tits.
It’s not excessive tit rubbing, it’s cleaning the lenses.
Convex lenses will take care of that problem.
A friend of mine just dropped out of college for optometry and started stripping. These will be perfect.
Sir Mix-A-Lot says they did it wrong. “Put ‘em on the glass!” Not “Put glasses on ‘em!”
I’m sure these can be fashioned in many styles–aviator, rimless, wraparound–but I’m guessing that pince-nez is out of the question.
Except for that one woman from Total Recall.
Ideally, they would sell a monocle for one boob, a little top hat for the other, and a merkin shaped like a mustache.
Then they could tag it steampunk.
And they might actually sell.
That’s the problem with getting older. When you’re young and your breasts are a perky 20/20 you can get away with not needing glasses for your boobs.
Hasn’t she heard the saying “guy’s don’t make passes at boobs that wear glasses?”
I think I’m going to hold out for the bajingo bite-guard.
What, they’re not steampunk?
Wow, you sure can do a lot of annoying crap with those on!
This madness with the glasses without lens has to stop!
“Look them in the eyes” has suddenly acquired new meaning for me…
I’ve never admitted this to anyone before; I’ve always been too ashamed.
My boobs never learned to read.
I’d be happy to teach them braille.
What a kind and self-sacrificing person you must be! I am sure we will become bosom friends.
Shoot, this just reminded me that I needed to get my boobs’ vision checked. They have been running into a lot of men lately…
I wonder if they’d do a custom order, à la Senior Sergeant Geordi LaForge?
Obviously, they’re for when you’re wearing this bra:
I thought this was stupid, then I realized what they would look like on bare breasts.
Now it’s just creeptastic.
I feel left out. Where is my scrote-monocle? I demand a classy monocle for my junk.
The glasses have no lenses. HOW ARE MY TITS GOING TO BE ABLE TO SEE?!
Contact lenses. The fake eyeglasses are just to make them look cool.
Of all the worthless bullshit……
My thoughts exactly, RiRi…
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