Gratuity Included (NSFW)
Let’s face it, sex sells. And if there’s one thing Etsy sellers are good at – besides painting mustaches on everything and collecting unemployment – it’s finding ways to shove gratuitous beaver shots and nip slips into their listings.
In fact, they may be too good at it. Because sometimes the imagery is so extreme, you don’t even know what they’re selling.
So here’s a short quiz for you. These are all Etsy listings for something… but for what? Take your best guess, then click on the image for the answer.
Not quite there yet? Click here for more DIY spank bank fodder
July 9, 2012 at 10:34 am
I sporfled my tea at “Jules Verne’s Guide to Manscaping”. Welcome back HK, hope you’re feeling better.
July 9, 2012 at 11:04 am
Hey, Steampunkers have ‘needs’ too.
July 9, 2012 at 6:21 pm
Indeed, welcome back! We were getting worried about you!
July 10, 2012 at 2:40 am
Welcome back Helen!! (I don’t see previously posted here) And you came back with a self-gratification smorgesboard. Well played!
July 9, 2012 at 10:37 am
Is it wrong that I really want to feed the emo comic book boy a sandwich? And no, that’s not a euphemism for something so filthy it can’t be talked about in public; it’s a variety of meats, cheeses, vegetables, and condiments on bread.
July 9, 2012 at 10:38 am
If you’re passing him over, I’ll take two! I love a thin man.
July 9, 2012 at 10:39 am
Yeah, that one’s kind of eeww. It looks like he’s about to get busted by his mom with a handful of wang.
July 9, 2012 at 10:54 am
But what *is* he wanking of to? That is the question? Although I’m fairly certain any of Frank Miller’s female characters would fit the bill. OTOH, he could be a big fan of Northstar. We will never know!
July 9, 2012 at 10:59 am
Robert Crumb used to wank off to Bugs Bunny, so I guess anything’s possible.
July 9, 2012 at 11:09 am
Tilting it sideways and squinting, I’m prepared to say it has Batman in it. Other than that, I can’t tell.
July 9, 2012 at 11:09 am
So he’s wanking it to Robin then. Clearly.
July 9, 2012 at 11:20 am
I would guess that if you were gay, Robin would definitely be the go-to superhero for wankin’.
July 9, 2012 at 12:44 pm
Honey, lose the bright green underoos and the daddy problems, then we’ll talk.
July 9, 2012 at 12:44 pm
That’s post-apocalyptic butch chick Robin, probably some of the worst spank-bait in comics.
July 10, 2012 at 12:29 pm
It ain’t called a graphic novel for nothing.
July 9, 2012 at 4:24 pm
He could get busted by his mom with a handful of PlumJo, that’s for damn sure. Holy yum, Batman.
July 9, 2012 at 10:47 am
You feed, I’ll ride. Someone do me a favor and keep my man busy while I’m gone?
July 9, 2012 at 11:53 am
Oh I’ll feed him my sandwich alright, if you know what I mean.
July 9, 2012 at 12:36 pm
I think he needs glasses with lenses in them, since he’s obviously confused his Etsy account with his Grindr profile.
July 9, 2012 at 10:38 am
With all but one exception, I’d pay these people to put it all back on again. Why is it that free nudity almost always involves people you never want to see naked?
July 9, 2012 at 10:41 am
Hipsters are the worst to see naked. Unless I want to actually count how many bones there are in the human body, and also trace veins from the heart to the extremities.
July 9, 2012 at 10:45 am
I’m totally okay with #3.
July 9, 2012 at 4:58 pm
Yeah I kinda am too.
July 10, 2012 at 1:24 pm
I do believe this means I’m getting old – he looks like a child. An underfed child. I like me some meat. And gray hair, apparently. lol
July 9, 2012 at 11:28 am
And the one exception is…?
Because I love me some skinny hipster boys. He can stay.
July 9, 2012 at 12:08 pm
He does look good (except for the glasses), but the last thing I want is to pick pubes out of the book I bought on the internet.
July 9, 2012 at 12:39 pm
I find the guy with the comic very attractive…
But unfortunately, speaking from experience, the type of guy who takes that photograph is not only gay 9 times out of 10 (sorry girls), but is usually unbearably aware of how good looking he is.
So no one wins, really.
July 9, 2012 at 12:56 pm
So if he’s gay 9 times out of 10, does that make him nonasexual?
July 9, 2012 at 1:01 pm
It means he’s trying to “pray away the gay”.
July 9, 2012 at 1:11 pm
Straight or bisexual, but usually as much of a complete self-absorbed attention seeker as his gay counterpart.
In the past, my type was guys who looked just like this, but after dating a few guys like that, let’s just say that things like soft-core faux-artsy photographs, comic print boxers and hipster glasses all set off alarm bells in my head, especially when put together.
July 9, 2012 at 6:18 pm
Take it from me, that doesn’t work. You just end up with a huge crush on your youth pastor, *and* you have an excuse to call him all the time.
July 9, 2012 at 1:42 pm
It means that sometimes, inebriation outweighs everything else.
July 9, 2012 at 1:54 pm
Indeed it does, judging from the naked photographs I would get from them at 3 in the morning, which is great if you’re into that sort of thing. And if you’re not, you have something to blackmail them with if they ever start getting nasty.
July 9, 2012 at 3:25 pm
It’s a very confusing pic, but I’d again..take those pubes and plant them at a crime scene. A really bizarre one so that he would learn that putting your genitals on things you are selling…oh I cant even say this does not end in lots of Japan, but lots of other places. That shit pays.
July 9, 2012 at 1:44 pm
Slender boys make nice toys!
July 9, 2012 at 10:40 am
Merry Christmas. Are those live wires behind that girl?
July 9, 2012 at 10:45 am
No. It’s barnwood cleverly painted to resemble aluminum siding.
July 9, 2012 at 10:40 am
Honest Labe’s is the one that got me. Brava, HK! And welcome back!
July 9, 2012 at 10:43 am
Helen – is it really you?!?
Or am I imagining ALL OF THIS???
July 9, 2012 at 10:46 am
If you’re imagining these naked people, next time I want Liam Neeson and Ewan MacGregor. With lightsabers.
July 9, 2012 at 10:50 am
I’m workin’ on it.
So far I just have a flashing Yoda.
(surprisingly well hung he is.)
July 9, 2012 at 11:29 am
Walk funny will I make you.
July 9, 2012 at 12:58 pm
“Bend over and show me your dark side, you will.”
July 9, 2012 at 1:27 pm
“I will destroy you like Aldaraan.”
July 9, 2012 at 12:18 pm
Unsheathed?
July 9, 2012 at 4:20 pm
Ewan McGregor has already been naked in *so many* movies. I mean, I’ve heard.
You can Google yourself up a lot of screen shots. I, um,assume.
July 9, 2012 at 5:57 pm
He gets completely naked in the Pillow Book! Full frontal!!! You see EVERYTHING!!! Ahem… or so I am told.
July 9, 2012 at 9:31 pm
Velvet Goldmine, also, if I remember correctly.
July 9, 2012 at 10:57 pm
And Young Adam. It’s not something I recall, it’s the first thing that came up under the search “naked Ewan McGregor.”
July 10, 2012 at 9:19 am
He is naked for a long time in Young Adam, but the US DVD release removes most of the nude scenes (boo!). It is one of the bleakest most depressing films of all time.
July 9, 2012 at 10:43 am
The “lucky penny” one is so 80s-Miami-coked-up-hooker.
July 9, 2012 at 11:09 am
So she should be tagged “Vintage”?
July 9, 2012 at 11:11 am
If, by “tagged”, you mean “inoculated”, then yes.
July 9, 2012 at 3:37 pm
I was hoping that one was for a pair of Joo Janta 200 Super-Chromatic Peril Sensitive Sunglasses, because I definitely don’t want to see what’s behind the penny.
July 9, 2012 at 3:49 pm
Your almost right, I’m pretty sure it’s Traci Lords who was a coked up 80s California porn star (underage for most of her career too!)
July 12, 2012 at 3:29 pm
I can’t believe no one has named it “The Money Shot”. I mean a penny makes her look really cheap but such is the world of pimps and ho’s on Etsy.
July 9, 2012 at 10:43 am
This is never about the product – it’s about the seller being able to convince people that he or she wants to see naked (god help us) to help out in an “artistic” endeavor. (Like informal life drawing class recruiters, “oh, come on, they do it France,” etc.)
It’s just another case of When Horny Met Stupid.
July 9, 2012 at 10:47 am
A repeat posting on a weekday means that HK isn’t feeling well, but a new posting on a weekday—that means she’s feeling better (which may be due to increased prescription-strength happy pills). Yay!!!!
July 9, 2012 at 10:49 am
Yay indeed!
July 9, 2012 at 10:53 am
I can see the trailer in the background of the “reindeer headband”, and I’m guessing the picture was taken by her
on-again/off-again stepfather.
July 9, 2012 at 11:11 am
I just call it switching positions. Is on-again/off-again what kids today call it?
July 9, 2012 at 8:43 pm
His buddies probably line up their lawn chairs and drink beer in their important role as creative consultants.
July 9, 2012 at 10:59 am
#2: I voted for “Centipede repellent”…
July 9, 2012 at 11:00 am
It really is no fun voting for what is *actually* being sold in these listings. Helen’s ideas are way more appropriate and I’m betting would sell like hotcakes.
July 9, 2012 at 11:03 am
“Can I get a different copy of this comic? The cover’s kind of sticky.”
July 9, 2012 at 11:05 am
Trailer? CHECK.
Reindeer Headband? CHECK.
Cousin Krystal naked and plastered, fondling herself in front of the neighbors? CHECK.
Alright, y’all…IT’S CHRIMMAS TIME. HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESUS.
July 9, 2012 at 11:10 am
They actually are always named Krystal, too. I wonder why? If they’re trying to sound classy, why the misspelling?
July 9, 2012 at 11:26 am
They wanna sound classy, but not *too* classy, ya know? Like, they only drink top shelf vodka, but it only takes ‘em one shot to end up buckass naked in the front yard. Krystals are like mullets. Classy, but still fun.
July 9, 2012 at 4:18 pm
This is a pet peeve of mine in current naming trends. Grossly misspelling a common name does not make it unique. It simply dooms poor Gynaphyrr to a lifetime of corrections and never being taken seriously.
July 9, 2012 at 6:03 pm
Then you may already be familiar with Bad Baby Names. One facepalm after another, with occasional headdesks thrown in.
http://notwithoutmyhandbag.com/blog/category/badbabynames/
July 9, 2012 at 7:02 pm
Something about the spelling “Gynaphyrr” just screams “venereal disease.”
July 9, 2012 at 8:59 pm
As a “Jennefer”, I can attest that mildly misspelling a common name is equally as frustrating as grossly misspelling one.
July 9, 2012 at 11:21 am
Right? I couldn’t figure out if she was covering herself or FINGERING? Because, honey, you don’t need to grab it like a six pack to cover it!
July 9, 2012 at 1:04 pm
She’s fingering. Those trailer park photo shoots get long and boring.
July 9, 2012 at 11:14 am
You remember that scene in the original movie of “Fame”… where the photographer gets her to take her shirt off and she starts crying in that most heartbreaking way, and you feel her sense of being trapped and shamed?
something just reminded me of that… not sure what.
July 9, 2012 at 11:16 am
Oh, is that why it’s called a money shot? Huh. Learn something new every day.
July 9, 2012 at 11:57 am
I guess she didn’t figure out until the second shot that her nipples were showing through the cropped green shirt. Suddenly, she got modest.
July 9, 2012 at 12:18 pm
Though this site has been banned from my company’s web filters (Mature Adult Content), I am happy to report that I have a workaround, and am able to view etsy sales porn with impunity – for now – until Daddy takes the t-bird away.
Welcome back! These postings do have a bit of Bronc influence – it’s always good to evaluate etsy listings as a team; double the revulsion, double the fun.
July 9, 2012 at 12:27 pm
Just keep telling Daddy that you’re at the library, doing research. For science.
July 9, 2012 at 12:44 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
July 9, 2012 at 1:22 pm
You shut your whore mouth and eat your damn sammich.
July 9, 2012 at 1:29 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
July 9, 2012 at 8:32 pm
You haven’t made me a sammich yet, woman.
July 9, 2012 at 1:29 pm
That’s what they said to the sunbathing trailer trash hooker.
July 9, 2012 at 1:40 pm
Ladies, please. Save all that aggression for Foxy Boxing.
July 9, 2012 at 1:55 pm
“Girl, what did you say about my babydaddy?”
July 9, 2012 at 2:07 pm
“She think she all that. She ain’t.”
July 9, 2012 at 4:25 pm
Helen’s a babydaddy? She’s even more versatile than we thought!
July 9, 2012 at 8:33 pm
Sammiches are worth fighting over. Lines hafta be drawn somewhere.
July 9, 2012 at 9:20 pm
Is Foxy Boxing a real thing at the Foxy Lady?
July 9, 2012 at 6:17 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
July 9, 2012 at 12:49 pm
I imagine some of these are like a blackmail situation. You buy the item, they put some clothes on.
Also, rubbing your dick on the spine of a comic is not good for the comic.
July 9, 2012 at 12:54 pm
I dunno. I think it depends on the comic and his or her spinal situation.
July 9, 2012 at 12:58 pm
It’s good for the dick, though.
July 9, 2012 at 1:24 pm
Not if you give yourself a papercut.
July 10, 2012 at 12:55 am
Thanks, you made me wince and cross my legs.
July 9, 2012 at 2:13 pm
This is going to impact the grading system. We’re going to need new abbreviations:
MNBC- mint, no bodily contact
NMNP – near mint, no penis
NMPO – near mint, penis oil
VGCS- very good, cum stain
And people bitched about polybags in the 90s…
July 9, 2012 at 1:23 pm
One of the main reasons reindeer girl probably grew out her hair just to cover her boobs. My hair unfortunately, being shoulder length and borderline upper back, cannot cover my chesticles.
Also, the way she is touching herself… ummm… looking at the picture for some reason makes me feel like she is touching me… there… it’s so weird… and I’m not aroused, I am disgusted
Though the book boy? He is actually cute, well, one is that he isn’t my ex-boyfriend. However, seeing some of the stuff in his shop kind of made me think otherwise about him.
July 9, 2012 at 2:09 pm
Hipster boy isn’t the shop owner, though. I’m guessing it’s his hipster girlfriend, who, according to her profile, is “an Anarchist – Atheist – Punk – Nudist – Anti-Establishment -Swinger
A force to be reckoned with… ”
She probably blackmailed her boyfriend into posing with the comic. I mean, come on, he’s probably a nudist, too. What’s the point in covering up with a silly comic? Tch!
July 9, 2012 at 2:21 pm
He’s either her boyfriend, or her gay best friend.
July 9, 2012 at 2:33 pm
Or mayber her brother or cousin… O_O
You never know with hipsters these days…
July 9, 2012 at 2:49 pm
I’m going to instantly dismiss that possibility, for the sake of my sanity.
July 9, 2012 at 4:45 pm
Even though it is completely possible.
July 9, 2012 at 2:38 pm
And I’m so lame I’m rushing to Mr. Steampunk Manscaping to see if there’s more of him visible.
As for Mr. Skinny Emo, I don’t like boys I could break over my knee.
July 9, 2012 at 2:50 pm
Nothing physically wrong with him, that a bit of erotic doughnut feeding can’t cure.
July 9, 2012 at 7:35 pm
Depends on how efficiently his body burns calories. Both my sons eat like food is going out of style, and they’re built like that. Hugging my oldest is like hugging a skeleton with clothes on.
July 9, 2012 at 3:22 pm
Is it just me or is reindeer girl seriously derping? Her right eye is okay but the left one looks like it’s turned in toward her nose.
July 9, 2012 at 5:53 pm
I don’t care what anyone says, I NEED THAT RING. Please find me that bitchin octupi ring on alibab or ebay ploz?!
July 9, 2012 at 6:00 pm
The first girl is an old American Apparel model, I’m almost positive. Can’t seem to find any photos of her anymore…I think they have removed most of the photos she’s in. Only reason I’d know this is because I worked there and the company really pushes their photo campaigns…and she was modeling the Fishnet Halter Bodysuit when I bought it
July 9, 2012 at 6:04 pm
Wanted to clarify, she was not wearing the bodysuit I actually bought…just modelling in the photo for the bodysuit online…
July 9, 2012 at 6:28 pm
You know, I’ve done a lot of stupid shit in my life, but I feel a little bit better knowing that at least I’ve never whored myself out to try to sell a pair of 4.99 felt antlers.
July 9, 2012 at 6:35 pm
I have absolutely no complaints about #3…Just sayin.
July 9, 2012 at 9:04 pm
Seconded.
July 10, 2012 at 8:32 am
I don’t like the fact that I can’t see his cock.
July 9, 2012 at 7:16 pm
How does the girl feel posing naked for a $4.99 headband with antlers?
July 9, 2012 at 9:52 pm
So there may be something wrong with me. I completely glossed over the fact that there is a naked male in picture 3 but I did notice that he was reading a Batman comic with Carrie Kelley as Robin.
July 10, 2012 at 2:28 am
I came.
July 10, 2012 at 2:47 am
Well helloooooo number three! You can keep the glasses on, it’s totally hotter that way.
July 10, 2012 at 2:56 am
A penny for your twats.
July 10, 2012 at 8:32 am
Hips don’t lie; but sometimes you wish they would.
July 10, 2012 at 9:09 am
Who are all the joyless bastards who voted for the actual items in the polls?
July 10, 2012 at 10:10 am
The life journey of used books is iffy enough–I’m certainly not going to buy one that I KNOW has been on some hipster’s junk.
July 10, 2012 at 11:12 am
Yesterday was my 40th birthday. HKApril came back live yesterday. Coincidence? Methinks not.
July 11, 2012 at 6:32 pm
Is there a way to see all the “others” people entered?
July 15, 2012 at 3:29 am
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.