This post first appeared on Regretsy in July of 2011
How did Pedo Bear get the inspections gig again?
Was the M.J. onesie not a clue?
Pedo-Bear gets me every time! (no not like that)
No, that would be Chris Hanson who gets you every time.
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Is it wrong that I actually like the I’m with the MILF one?
If it’s wrong, I don’t wanna be right, ’cause I would totally put that on my kid!
I think what you guys are missing is that it isn’t saying mom is a hottie, it’s saying “My mother is a mother I’d like to f*$#.” I think that’s the same point the creator is missing.
Or maybe I’m the one missing something, and you guys want your kid saying he’d like to… you know…
I’ve spent the week without power…These are SOOOOO bad…and I don’t think it’s the heatstroke talking.
Are you in Ohio or one of the other fucked over states? We had several million people without power here over the weekend, and there are many still without. On the upside, I had nothing to do but cross stitch.
Ohio. And I had to work with no power this whole last week. It was fucking hell. I read a lot of books.
I think we can safely do away with home visits by Child Protective Services and instead just show parents this page and ask “would you ever even consider buying any of these?” Think of all the money we’ll save!
Do you know what just hit me like a bucket of ice cold water?
The people who are buying these things have already managed to spawn. As in, they have actually managed to contribute to the gene pool.
Let that sink in for a moment.
I’m more hopeful…that these were gifts from aunts and uncles and friends who thought they were hilarious. Sadly, the parents felt the need to dress up their child in these gifts, so perhaps you have a point.
Let’s not be hasty. “Contribute” is a strong word.
I should have put it in speech marks.
How do you feel about “pollute?”
Sweet Jesus. I am going to go lie down now.
Wow. The seller of number two needs some shock treatment therapy to get the stupid. Let me get my jumper cables.
Joke: When is shaken baby syndrome funny? A: Never.
I truly don’t think that thought even occurred to the seller. Some people just don’t realize!
Now, #1, on the other hand…
I don’t feel so bad now for releasing the “my mom forgot to swallow” onsie now.
You could do one that says “my mom forgot to swallow and all I got was this lousy tshirt. Oh, and life.”
A friend of mine had a shirt she wore while pregnant that said, “I should have swallowed.”
One in the hand (or mouth) is worth at least two in the bush!
… I’m sorry, but that doesn’t even make sense. If she didn’t swallow, she spit, and pregnancy doesn’t come from oral sex. How would entirely expelling the sperm from the body be the option that leads to pregnancy, anyway? If one is having intercourse, it is impossible to swallow the sperm from that contact. If we’re talking vag-to-mouth when the guy pulls out, that is WAY MORE than I want to know about anyone’s sex life. Even close friends.
If we’re talking about the teens on facebook and Yahoo Answers who’re too stupid to know you can’t swallow yourself pregnant, it’s still too convoluted to “get” without explanation.
DISCLAIMER: Regretsy® does not advocate the off-label use of logic. Please apply logic only for the condition for which it was prescribed.
*Bows to Postmenopaws and her much-need injection of sanity*
Kinda blows…my theory about ATM all to hell. Thanks a lot.
Mom forgot to swallow the birth control pills?
Sweetheart, with the right man, it’s possible to get sperm EVERYWHERE. Including in your eye and on the headboard.
And before you get all worked up, Planned Parenthood Lady, I know you can’t get pregnant from sperm on your headboard.
with the right man, it’s possible to get sperm EVERYWHERE. Including in your eye and on the headboard.
There you go, telling her WAY MORE than she wants to know about anyone’s sex life.
Telling ‘him’, actually. I still stand by not wanting to know of others’ bedroom behavior through the medium of their children’s clothing, however, which was my initial source of grousing.
You must have some pretty interesting pillow-talk afterwards. “Do you think that stain will come out of the ceiling?”
What happens between me and my headboard is between us. I gotta get that sperm off there somehow. Cast iron rusts.
Um…for some of us, not swallowing means we didn’t use oral for him to finish. So he finished elsewhere, and ya get pregnant. Some of us think spitting is disgusting.
Yes, but… with the right man, it’s possible to get sperm EVERYWHERE…
…and spitting can be turned from something disgusting into an interesting game of Ejaculation Bingo.
Well, thanks – I was thinking of having some salt water taffy. Now? Not so much….my scale thanks you.
Have the taffy. It’ll add interesting texture to your desire to not spit.
Those are very tame compared to some of the onesies found here!
My personal favorite…
OK, now, the “I ate my twin” one, I would put that on a kid. But then I can’t have kids, so the universe probably was wise in that decision.
I got a chuckle out of the “pooping in progress” one
I don’t really see anything all that wrong with the camo onesie. It would be far worse if mom dressed you in a bunny suit and then sent you out hunting with daddy (I think this was an old Elaine Boozler joke).
I’m thinking that rhinestones, and other such small objects, should not be attached to baby clothes, because of the chocking hazard.
Last thing I watched was the Toddlers and Tiaras episode where a four year old gets dressed up as Streetwalker! Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. Now this.
With so many candidates for Mother of the Year, I have no idea how the judges are going to settle this.
I just watched that one, too!! It’s bad when even the kids say “Mom, are you sure I should be wearing this?”
The Soup just showed a clip of a Toddlers and Tiaras contestant who has her own pink gun she shoots with Daddy. Her parents will only have themselves to blame when she becomes a Tween and the toddler pageant trauma memories surface…
Everybody run, the homecoming queen’s got a gun.
The “hung like a 5 year old” one is just all-around-disturbing to me.
That’s like multiple levels of queasy yuckiness for me. If you buy that for your toddler, and “can’t wait to show it” to your friends, you are extremely fucked up, in my opinion.
People like that make me wish I had social services on speedial.
Let’s all take a moment and put social services into our speed dial choices.
Good call. (Pun not intended.)
…from the Jerry Sandusky collection?! (what? too soon?!)
Q: How do you know it’s bedtime at Jerry Sandusky’s house?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.
Jerry probably should have taken the plea bargain, but they couldn’t agree on the terms. The prosecutor wanted him to plead guilty to child endangerment, but Jerry insisted he’d only admit to “getting a little behind in his work”.
The expression on the poor kid wearing the “hung” getup is the same one he’ll sport for the rest of his life. Thanks a lot, Mom.
Still weighing which I find more appalling, the smiling child forced to tell the world mommy is a MILF, or the one that looks like the child went shooting with daddy and got her head blown off? At least the latter would be out of her misery?
This advert was on billboards a few years ago, as part of a Mother’s Day advertising campaign. It still grosses me out, but at least it wasn’t on a onesie.
Several of these are stolen from tshirthell.com, source of hysterically disturbing baby clothes. That site makes me laugh so hard it hurts… but of course I would never put the clothes on an actual baby.
My favorites include
“Now that I’m safe, I’m pro-choice”
“I ate my twin”
and of course
“All Daddy wanted was a blow job”
I had no idea such a store existed, but now that I know they may want to consider:
-Fuck Social Services!
-I need a Toddler Toddy
-Future Altar Boy
-My mommy went to Florida, got laid, and all I got was an “Unknown” on my birth certificate and this lousy T-shirt
Ask my Mommy about last year’s Spring Break
If this cribs a rockin don’t bother knockin
I am brought to you by Siemens
I don’t get why the hunting one is there, but the rest are scary as shit
Yeah, you should totally take the little one along on bear or cougar hunts. You can never start them too early.
And by five years old, they’ll be snorkeling with sharks like a pro.
The camouflage one says it’s “boutique quality”. Really? What kind of boutiques are they hanging out in? By “boutique” do they mean “Walmart”?
Walmart? Don’t be ridiculous.
“Boutique-quality” camo comes from Cabela’s.
(with French accent) Target
(oops Target should NOT sell the hunting onesie)
I was going to ask if they had #1 in adult sizes for my ex-husband?
For some reason the most disturbing thing to me is the plastic toddler form that the first one is on. I’m just picturing it in between shoots hanging in someone’s house.
“Shoots” being the operative word here.
I’m pretty sure the “MILF” picture was taken at Sebastian Inlet State Park near Vero Beach, Florida.
Hung like a 5 year old is stolen from TShirt Hell.
The guys over at “To Catch a Predator” are paraphrasing Homer Simpson; “Here’s to the Internet, the cause of, and solution to, all our problems.”
amen to that
They are all wonderfully horrible, but the first picture kind of creeps me out. I’m struck with the strange impression that a mutant starfish ate the baby’s head.
I’m just going to placate myself with imagining the real possibility that within a month of ordering, the baby’s going to loose a torrent of unspeakable liquid shit while wearing one of these, requiring the suit to be thrown out and nailing both parents in the process. In their favorite “hottie” and “god’s gift to women” shirts.
“Mama’s New Nipple Stud”
(in small writing) “If you can read this, prepared to be soaked in something.”
“May contain toxins.”
The “Hung Like a 5-Year-Old” is a rip-off from T-Shirt Hell’s site. (I know! Who could believe someone on Etsy would “borrow” someone else’s idea?)
Compared to T-Shirt Hell’s infant and adult T-shirt content — which is over-the-top irreverent and nasty (this is a compliment!) — the “…5-Year-Old” shirt/onesie reads like Scripture.
As an epileptic, I’d totally buy that “All Shook Up” onesie, if I had a kid.
My ailment. I get to make of it all I want.
(there was a brief moment when the vet thought my cat, Buster, was epileptic. Vet didn’t understand why I laughed at first. Turns out, Buster’s just as clumsy as fuck.)
I like the MJ one.
The hunting one looks like it’s meant for a baby with two heads, heh.
I laughed at the last one, but in a ‘it would be funny on Family Guy’ kind of way rather than a ‘would dress my kid like that’ kind of way. Eeep!
My infant son was frequently in a Tshirt that read: “They’re not my parents – we met on Facebook.” I used to get a lot of comments on it…all positive…lol.
In Australia, new parents are paid a baby bonus for doing their bit for their country or whatever bullcrap the Govt views population expansion as. I had another Tshirt that read: “I’m just here for the Baby Bonus” but I could only put it on my kids once…I felt so dirty when they were wearing it.
The hunting one seems fine, albeit with that weird THING on the dress form.
I didn’t get the problem with “All Shook Up” for a long minute. I just kept thinking of Elvis. Or a baby about to spit up.
The rest, just vile.
I object to the last one. Everyone knows Pedobear only likes little girls.
While I do like the stylized Jacko, that is an unfortunate choice of garment to put it on.
Also, dad will love the onesie? DO you expect him to wear it?
Sure, when the rest of his stuff is in the laundry hamper. The problem comes when he won’t wear anything else.
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