Waa Waa Waa
This post first appeared on Regretsy in July of 2011
Oh, I know what you’re saying.
Whatever, whiney pants.
You don’t hear Handcrafts2Door complaining, do you? No you don’t, because their little collective is too busy hand sewing to bitch and moan about “unfair competition,” “factory wholesalers,” “sweatshop labor,” and all the other sad little excuses you fat, lazy fuckers keep handing out instead of working.
Turn off Dr. Phil and let’s get going. You work hard enough, you might just see your work on a wholesale website. Then you can quit your day job and move to Brooklyn, where you can drink whiskey on your bicycle and listen to ukelele music.
CC: CHAD DICKAROUND
EXCITING UPDATE: Hey, they actually took a re-seller’s shop down!
July 3, 2012 at 1:34 pm
Handmade or not, all I see when I look at that dress is a cat that’s about to get FUCKED UP for once again destroying all the toilet paper in the house because OMG IT MOVED AND YOU HAD TO KILL IT, YOU STUPID FUCKING CAT.
July 3, 2012 at 1:48 pm
The mental imagery you just brought to my mind — a cat trying to kill the dress’ train because OMG IT MOVED AND IT HAD TO KILL IT, STUPID FUCKING CAT — made my day.
July 3, 2012 at 1:49 pm
LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!! SUCCESS!!!! Unless you’re a cat. Then, DEATH.
July 3, 2012 at 6:54 pm
Hey! There’s no telling what tentacled horrors lurk under those soft fluffy folds. Kitty would be doing you a favor by thwarting an attempted invasion by The Elder Gods!
July 3, 2012 at 1:38 pm
Oh yes, I remember like it was yesterday: I walked down the aisle towards the man I would spend the rest of my life with, almost in slow motion. Tears welling up in his eyes, tears already running down my face, I could see my entire future ahead of me. I reached my soon to be husband and he kissed my cheek and whispered ever so softly to me “You’re the most beautiful wizard I’ve ever seen.”
July 3, 2012 at 1:56 pm
“Thank you, darling. I’ve been working on this beard all month!”
July 3, 2012 at 1:56 pm
Yeah, you never forget your first time.
July 3, 2012 at 2:21 pm
it tickles.
July 3, 2012 at 2:16 pm
If that isn’t what my fiance says to me, or something equally ridiculous, at the altar. I’m ditching him right then and there and finding someone with my kind of humour!
July 3, 2012 at 7:03 pm
My fiance and I have already agreed to quote the Empire Strikes Back at the end of our ceremony, I will say “I love you!” he will respond with “I know.” But now I may have to shout “You shall not pass!” instead.
July 4, 2012 at 8:05 am
Bonus points if you mix in a little Monty Python and ” ‘Tis only a flesh wound!”
July 4, 2012 at 1:06 pm
That’s what you say in the bedroom afterwards.
July 4, 2012 at 2:58 pm
Whoops. How coarse of me.
July 3, 2012 at 2:41 pm
Well, you only get married once.
Wait…
July 3, 2012 at 3:25 pm
I think nowadays it’s more like “you only get married once.. in a while”
July 3, 2012 at 9:08 pm
I’m completely serious when I say this–if my soon to be husband said this to me upon meeting him at the top of the aisle, I’d fall in love all over again.
In fact, if my fiance doesn’t call me a wizard on our wedding day, I think it’ll actually count against him.
July 3, 2012 at 1:38 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
July 3, 2012 at 1:41 pm
Resellers make me want to remove my eyeballs with a spoon.
July 3, 2012 at 1:48 pm
Resellers make me want to remove their eyeballs with a spoon.
July 3, 2012 at 1:50 pm
No eyeballs, no reselling. Everyone wins!
July 3, 2012 at 1:52 pm
and display the eyeballs in a rusty can on some nice barn wood?
July 3, 2012 at 1:52 pm
I can’t have spoons because I remove everyone’s eyeballs with them. Especially resellers and my own.
July 3, 2012 at 1:55 pm
That’s why we can’t have nice things!
July 3, 2012 at 2:25 pm
Clearly sporks are far more efficient and multi-purpose anyway.
July 3, 2012 at 3:27 pm
And they even come in titanium!
http://www.thinkgeek.com/homeoffice/kitchen/8ace/?srp=2
July 3, 2012 at 7:06 pm
I always remove eyeballs with lobster forks, because lets be honest, you don’t often eat lobster and it is nice to get out the good silver every now and again
July 4, 2012 at 9:23 am
http://www.alibaba.com/product-gs/540117655/Plastic_funny_eyeball_soft_TPR_toys.html
http://www.alibaba.com/product-gs/548065560/bamboo_fiber_eco_fork_and_spoon.html?s=p
July 4, 2012 at 10:33 am
A vintage steam-punk upcycled spoon, right?
July 3, 2012 at 1:41 pm
If I were a perma-stoned 1970s rock star I would name my daughter Dream Princess Bohemia Organza.
July 3, 2012 at 2:27 pm
It’s better than Moon Unit.
July 3, 2012 at 2:43 pm
Your real name is “Dweezil”, isn’t it?
July 3, 2012 at 3:29 pm
No one’s real name is “Dweezil”. Not even Dweezil’s.
His friends probably call him “Drew”, or maybe “Chuck”.
July 3, 2012 at 4:26 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
July 3, 2012 at 4:27 pm
Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
July 4, 2012 at 10:35 am
The “princess” dreck is overdone. I’d just stick with Dream Bohemia Organza.
July 3, 2012 at 1:41 pm
DAMMIT they took down the shop, now I’ll never bridewalk like wizard, leisurely or otherwise!
July 3, 2012 at 3:29 pm
No worries, you can still walk like an Egyptian.
July 4, 2012 at 1:16 am
with all the cops in the donut shops…
July 3, 2012 at 1:50 pm
First sign of 2012 apocalypse? Etsy put down the knitting needles and steampunk octopi and DID something?! *spits hot tea on computer screen*
July 3, 2012 at 3:30 pm
My money’s on the reseller just moving on to another site, since traffic seems to be way down on Etsy lately.
July 3, 2012 at 1:50 pm
-Matt Johnson from USA says: “Wizard walk #1 leisurely good time dress! Price make for exciting very great low moneys! Good wedding full with American hamburgers!”
July 3, 2012 at 1:51 pm
Also, American penis so big! So big American penis!
July 3, 2012 at 1:54 pm
American Cowboy love wizard dress! Leisure times, always! American penis wizard dress, today!
July 3, 2012 at 1:55 pm
“American penis wizard dress”. And that’s when I laughed so hard I peed a little.
July 3, 2012 at 1:59 pm
You’re welcome. I actually was stifling my laugh as I was typing it (I’m at work).
There’s just something about typing made-up Asian attempts at English that is so fucking fun.
July 3, 2012 at 2:00 pm
Yay racism! (We are HORRIBLE HUMAN BEINGS.)
July 3, 2012 at 2:15 pm
See, I don’t view it as racism. It’s just funny. The languages are so different that it’s amazing they do as well as they do. It just comes together in such a disjointed way, it’s awesome. They attempt English a hell of a lot better than I attempt Mandarin, you know?
July 3, 2012 at 2:17 pm
…But we ARE horrible human beings, just for a host of other reasons.
July 3, 2012 at 2:19 pm
Nah… One of the people I deal in one of the corporate offices at work moved here from China 10 years ago, and makes fun of her own English all the time. At first I didn’t know how to receive the mockery, but now I know it’s ok to laugh along.
July 3, 2012 at 2:26 pm
My Aunt is Taiwanese, and she’s hilarious. Very self effacing.
July 3, 2012 at 4:53 pm
Me love all you long time! I hate when cultural insensitivity and mocking ignorance get confused with racism.
July 4, 2012 at 9:03 am
I actually speak Mandarin (and not because I am of Chinese descent) and y’know what? I still make mistakes and have come up with things when my level wasn’t so high that translated to things like:
“My leisure activity is sucking cock.” (我休閒活動是吹喇叭) – I do play the trumpet, didn’t know it was slang
“I think you not not dog?”（我覺得你不熱狗啊？）- I meant 不夠拉 or “not hot/sexy enough”
“I’m going to go home and get laid”（我要回家炒飯）- I was going home to cook dinner, literally, but “fry rice” is also slang
“I’m going to tell YO MOMMA” （閉嘴！我要告訴你娘！）- wrong word for “mother”, I thought they were interchangeable
“I get the leg over the foreign lady boy” (no idea how I managed to say this – just a totally garbled phrase about how white guys think Taiwanese men are effeminate, but they’re wrong)
So….yeah.
July 4, 2012 at 9:04 am
oops – 不夠辣. You may not care but just in case someone who can read all that comes along…
July 9, 2012 at 2:28 am
As someone who once told someone in Romanian that I don’t like shop-bought mayo because it has “too many condoms in it”, I think it’s fair to laugh at these things.
(“preservatif” does not mean “preservative” – who knew?)
July 3, 2012 at 1:55 pm
very great low monkeys!
July 3, 2012 at 2:34 pm
Dress make for salute to Supreme Leader! Wedding march on koi pond in fancy wizard leisure! Buddha most happy in American wedding fashionable!
July 3, 2012 at 5:19 pm
mmm for once a regretsy post that makes me hungry instead of nauseated!
July 3, 2012 at 1:58 pm
Something old,
something new,
something borrowed,
something moo shu pork!
July 3, 2012 at 2:03 pm
And don’t forget to ask for chopsticks. NO ONE EVER REMEMBERS THE CHOPSTICKS.
July 3, 2012 at 2:10 pm
I have a really witty, debonair comment in my head. But I am really fucking drunk and it won’t come out of my fingers. Bugger.
July 3, 2012 at 2:11 pm
she love you long time!
July 3, 2012 at 2:18 pm
take long train to honeymoon
July 3, 2012 at 2:20 pm
Long train on dress like car with flat tire…
…hard to get around.
July 3, 2012 at 2:24 pm
Before our wedding, my wife asked me for “the what the world’s women are yearning for wedding dress”. I was like, “We’ll never be able to afford that!” and she said, “They typically go for $78.99″. Long story short, we had our dream wedding. Thanks, etsy!
July 3, 2012 at 2:46 pm
I want girlfriend to walk in that dress. Mainly to pick up her German Shepherd’s shed hair that’s everywhere. My sock feet just ain’t cuttin’ the mustard.
July 3, 2012 at 3:33 pm
Cheaper than a vacuum cleaner, and more ecologically friendly than an assload of Swiffer pads.
July 3, 2012 at 8:40 pm
I thought that it WAS an assload of Swiffer pads
July 3, 2012 at 3:53 pm
Remember when upcycling for a wedding meant a daughter reimagining her mother’s wedding dress into something that looked new, but had the charm of the old? Now it seems to mean wrapping oneself in used swiffer pads or serving chicken on polished barnwood.
July 3, 2012 at 4:05 pm
I read that as ‘*sewing* chicken on polished barnwood’ and was briefly impressed/horrified until I figured out that it was just a no-glasses moment.
July 3, 2012 at 4:13 pm
This IS etsy we’re talking about, so it could go either way.
July 3, 2012 at 8:21 pm
The lure of a wedding dress under $80 is dangerous bait. When I got married, there was absolutely no way I could drop $500 on a dress I would wear once. Especially one that could make me look like a wizard. So instead I got married in slacks and a sweater. Lesson learned though. Instead of spending money on a dress for the reception (when we finally have it) I will simply buy a replica of Gandalf’s hat. That should suffice.
July 3, 2012 at 10:10 pm
My mother, who sewed we kids clothes until we finally got old enough to complain, made not only my wedding dress, but also my bridesmaid dresses. A friend of my sister made the wedding cake for free, as a favor. My mom and the minister’s wife did the decorating, and except for an unfortunate incident with twinkle lights, I’d wager the whole wedding cost less than $300. And it lasted almost 30 years before ending in divorce, so I’d say I got a good return for my money.
July 4, 2012 at 7:46 am
Leisurely walking? Heck, you can have a Segway under that thing. With trailer.
July 4, 2012 at 7:49 am
Or even one of those clown cars.
July 4, 2012 at 8:35 am
Or the best man.
July 4, 2012 at 9:34 am
It SO works in Cloud City!
July 4, 2012 at 12:52 pm
If Lando comes with it, I’ll buy two. And feel free to interpret that any way you like.
July 9, 2012 at 12:15 am
I cannot believe no one has yet, so…
“I put on my robe and wizard hat.”
July 9, 2012 at 1:36 am
I was thinking along the lines of “she can’t be a wizard! that gown doesn’t have sleeves”