Diaper Shade of Pail
This post first appeared on Regretsy in July of 2011
God, I hate these things.
I’m not saying they aren’t well done. Clearly, a lot of skill goes into rolling up diapers and arranging them so they look like cake. I think my point is more WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING WITH YOUR LIFE.
If you can get past the part where diapers are arranged to look like something you want to eat (and good luck with that), you still have to come to terms with the fact that you just spent $50 plus shipping on a pile of tainted Pampers.
You don’t know who glued these together. You don’t know if they have some kind of flesh eating bacteria or a house full of cats with eye infections. Then you unpack this tower of filth and take it to a baby shower, where more people you don’t know have to poke at it to see how it’s made BECAUSE IT’S SO DARLING AND MAYBE I COULD MAKE ONE and by the time you actually rip it apart to put a diaper on your child, it’s been touched by roughly 400 people. Why don’t you just wipe his ass with money?
And while we’re on the subject, what the hell are these?
Oh look, a diaper rolled in cellophane to look like taffy. Isn’t that great? I can’t think of anything less useful, except maybe a dead bird in a tin can.
AT LEAST HAVE RIBS AT YOUR SHOWER SO I CAN USE IT AS A BIB
July 2, 2012 at 11:28 am
I hope none of them come with a surprise inside.
July 2, 2012 at 12:17 pm
I was actually at a baby shower where the paper napkins were folded to look like diapers, and one person at the table got a “surprise” in their “diaper.” A couple of chocolate chips, melted in the microwave, to look like…you know. The person who got the poopy diaper won a prize. I mean another prize, other than the “surprise.” It struck me then, and still does, as a little…icky.
July 2, 2012 at 12:34 pm
Yeah. A friend had something similar at her baby shower. As one of the games, everyone got in a circle to play “hot potato” with a couple of diapers filled with melted candy bars. It was pretty funny.
July 2, 2012 at 12:53 pm
A FJL would never waste a candy bar like that.
July 2, 2012 at 1:42 pm
This is why I could never host, or be the guest of honour, at a baby shower. I’m not good at pretending that a woman should be super-excited about a future of changing crap-filled diapers, or at planning precious-twee games. Drinking games, yes. But those don’t usually go over too well at baby showers.
July 2, 2012 at 5:28 pm
One of my best friends had a co-ed baby shower with kegs. The price of the keg-cup? A package of diapers. She didn’t have to buy any diapers at all until that child was 13 months old. I wish I had done that.
July 2, 2012 at 7:09 pm
I just don’t get this. When I had my baby shower (which was, admittedly, going on 31 years ago), people got you useful gifts. Sleepers, blankets, infant seats. Since I knew I was expecting twins, I got two of everything. And since nobody cared about the environment, I got enough disposable diapers to last me the first three months of the kids lives.
Plus, we had cake and punch.
July 3, 2012 at 9:33 am
I went to a baby shower once where different chocolate bars were melted into nappies, then the guests had to take a spoonful, taste it and guess what kind it was.
Because scooping a mouthful of warm, brown goop from a nappy is so cute!
July 2, 2012 at 11:29 am
I just gotta say I love the titles Helen and Bronc come up with. Snarky and awesomely funny on so many levels!
(Diaper Shade of Pail, hehehehehe)
July 2, 2012 at 11:30 am
I want one of those “cakes” at my 100th birthday, but made with Depends.
July 2, 2012 at 11:31 am
Oh, who the fuck am I kidding? I could use one for my 54th birthday.
July 2, 2012 at 11:31 am
What a shitty idea.
July 2, 2012 at 2:27 pm
i just had a great idea for a baby shower game! fill a whole bunch of baby bottles with 10 differnt kinds of booze. forget the nipple parts. everybody gets like 3 or 4 of these. i’m talking the 8 oz. kind, don’t skimp. the game is the guests have to guess which drink is what. after a few bottles, who the fuck cares? and the mom gets tasty virgin daquiris in a real glass, along with all the chocolates the host didn’t melt in “poopy diapers,” plus a nice new video cam so she’ll have years of drunken blackmail footage for free babysitters!
why have i never been asked to host a bridal or baby shower? hmmm.
July 2, 2012 at 11:33 am
have you heard of the baby shower game where the first one who licks the chocolate frosting out of a diaper wins?
in a perfect world, they’d win dysentery.
July 2, 2012 at 1:03 pm
Thanks for reminding me why I don’t want to attend the baby shower on Saturday.Skipping the whole thing and sending the gift later is getting more appealing everyday.
July 2, 2012 at 1:24 pm
Have a trusted friend drop a cement block on your leg so it breaks. Broken leg = no douchy baby shower. It’s win/win. Except the broken leg part. No, it’s still win/win.
July 2, 2012 at 1:43 pm
Second place gets cholera!
July 2, 2012 at 11:36 am
I just got a sample of depends. The downward spiral starts now.
July 2, 2012 at 12:15 pm
I’ve signed friends up for those, as a practical joke. Most were unamused. However….
One guy reported back that it made drinking beer at a party much easier, because he didn’t miss conversations when he had to whiz. Apparently they can hold quite a lot of fluid.
So, now we have people wearing adult diapers as a lifestyle choice, because “it’s easier” …..
July 2, 2012 at 1:04 pm
Tang – Breakfast of Astronauts
Depends – Fast Break for Astronauts*
* (also elderly people, lazy slobs and crazy, lovesick Astronauts who aren’t in space)
July 2, 2012 at 1:22 pm
When I lived in Lafayette, Louisiana, this bar had a promotion where all drinks were free until the first person used the bathroom. They discontinued the promotion when they discovered that all the frat boys/sorority girls showed up in Depends and would drink for like 5 hours without peeing.
July 2, 2012 at 11:39 am
Ok, who can tell me what’s going on with these summer reruns?
(Maybe Helen needs us to go save her from somewhere? Could it be she’s locked up in a basement full of chocolate cakes with bacon and a gym full of regretsy male fans??)
July 2, 2012 at 12:24 pm
It keeps us entertained while giving HK time to do important stuff, like drink, and do voice-overs for commercials. And drink.
July 2, 2012 at 1:06 pm
She’s so hepped on pain pills she can’t trust herself with a live connection to the internet. That’s why we’re getting stuff off her hard drive. Otherwise we’re looking at Y2HK!
July 2, 2012 at 11:40 am
You know what NO new mom wants? To have to pull ribbon and fucking fake flowers off a diaper at 4:00 in the morning to try to strap it on her wailing child. It’s hard enough to get them out of the plastic package at that hour. Add glue to the equation and someone is getting punched.
July 2, 2012 at 11:45 am
i’m assuming every diaper that’s in contact with the ribbon is unusable due to the thin paper-plastic covers tearing. is the center hollow, or stuffed with actually usable dipes?
on the good side, i bet if you go to a baby shower with a diaper cake like this, they’re not the sort of people to serve placenta paté made from the last woman who birthed in the group.
July 2, 2012 at 1:16 pm
MY wailing child was always in a biodegradable vegan nonsynthetic organically farmed package at 4:00 am thank you very much, with no glue. Saved the glue for the Game of Highchairs. At least that’s what I remember from not sleeping for more than 3 minutes a night for 3 months.
July 2, 2012 at 1:45 pm
I’m impressed when a new parent can get the diaper on the baby in that situation at all, rather than waking up hours later to a messy crib and a wipe container wedged halfway into some Huggies.
July 2, 2012 at 11:41 am
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July 2, 2012 at 11:43 am
Not having progeny and knowing few people with progeny, Ive been kinda agnostic about anything in the baby shower culture. But I have to say, I never thought about your point about the diapers no longer being sterile, and that’s a very good one. Maybe id accept such things if they were made by people I know, but yeah, now im skeezed about the idea of getting them from internet strangers.
July 2, 2012 at 12:16 pm
I’m kinda dubious about diapers being sterile in the first place. I suspect that they’re like tampons, in that they’re wrapped up to keep them dry and “clean” but that they’re manufactured under decidedly unsterile conditions.
That doesn’t make the additional handling by unknown persons any better, of course.
July 2, 2012 at 3:23 pm
True. Although unsanitary tampons doesnt weird me out as much cause im already used to relative strangers poking around down there.
July 2, 2012 at 11:45 am
I guess I’m totally out of the loop. When the fuck did people start trying to present diapers as food? Why is that appealing? Do women really think that’s “cute”? That is absolutely disturbing and disgusting. Talk about polishing a turd.
July 2, 2012 at 11:46 am
http://www.ehow.com/video_8411498_dirty-diaper-baby-shower-game.html
July 2, 2012 at 11:48 am
btw … do the “poopy diaper game” people have a “suck the vanilla pudding from the condom game” at their bridal showers?
July 2, 2012 at 12:17 pm
Choking Hazard
-rimshot-
July 2, 2012 at 12:26 pm
Fuck you. I am *so* doing this next time I get stuck organizing the third fucking bridal shower for the same damned bride, just so she can get even more gifts.
July 2, 2012 at 12:50 pm
Fill the diapers with chocolate pudding and sprinkle candy corn in with it.
July 2, 2012 at 2:28 pm
Of course, because no one ever remembers EATING the candy corn.
July 2, 2012 at 12:56 pm
What the fuck? Someone you call a friend has forced you into doing THREE showers? You need better friends, fuck her.
July 2, 2012 at 1:28 pm
Yeah. That’s the sign of a completely irrational human being right there.
Isn’t “Three Showers” one of the signs of the Apocalypse?
July 2, 2012 at 2:31 pm
She was pissed because she didn’t get much off the “Waterford crystal” price range registry list she did at Neiman Marcus. Apparently, too many of the gifts she got came from Walmart and Target.
Yeah, she’s always been that way.
July 2, 2012 at 2:29 pm
I never said she was a friend. She was, in fact, my sister. So I was kinda stuck at the time.
July 2, 2012 at 5:34 pm
I thought it was considered horribly inappropriate to host a baby/bridal/whatever shower for someone in your immediate family? Isn’t it akin to directly asking for presents?
July 2, 2012 at 7:23 pm
Well, when the bride can’t find another friend to rope into it, and you come from a LARGE family (for instance, I have 47 first and second cousins, and had 5 siblings growing up), I guess it’s not as weird. Still wasn’t happy about it, though.
July 2, 2012 at 1:47 pm
I’m going to a bridal shower in three weeks. The lady in question has a vicious sense of humour, especially after a couple of drinks. Vodka whipped cream and a box of non-lubes Durex might have to make an appearance.
July 2, 2012 at 3:25 pm
Im going to a bachelorette weekend THIS weekend and I might seriously have to look into that. Itll be a co-ed party too, for extra hilarity.
July 3, 2012 at 5:55 am
Why am I reading this during breakfast? Ulp.
July 2, 2012 at 12:23 pm
This game disgusts me. I refused to allow it at my shower. Almost any game at a baby shower is stupid. Are we back in preschool? QUICK, let’s play Ring Around The Rosy!
July 2, 2012 at 1:08 pm
I don’t want to scare you but nowadays some people invite men to the shower. What fun.
July 2, 2012 at 1:29 pm
Keep it on the down-low that I’m a man, ok? I never want to go to that.
July 2, 2012 at 1:48 pm
Women hate going to them, too. Trust me.
July 2, 2012 at 4:58 pm
I have attended exactly ONE baby shower in my life. The mom-to-be was a bartender, and the shower was held at the bar where she worked (actually a nice, clean place). I chatted with her for a bit, then ended up with all the men at the bar area while the women all sat around oohing and ahhing over gifts, and talking about baby/kid stuff.
I’m a girly-girl in many regards, but I hate, hate, hate showers and the stupid games members of my gender insist on playing. Plus my biological clock must’ve come from a Chinese reseller on Etsy or something, the darn thing has never worked.
July 2, 2012 at 8:28 pm
At the last baby shower I attended, I was the only woman over 20 without at least one child. One of the other guests started talking to me and asked me how many children I had.
When I said I didn’t have any, she walked away. Walked. Away. Wouldn’t talk to me the rest of the party, either.
The guest of honour, my friend, asked me to stay after everyone else was gone and then apologized for knowing douchey people and let me drink the good wine she’d hidden because she’s awesome like that. It’s the worst baby shower I’ve ever been to, but not by much.
I’m a bridesmaid in a wedding next month because I’m an idiot when good friends are involved, and the bridal shower was really difficult for me because I also suck at girly. The hen party bodes better because I can get drunk.
July 2, 2012 at 1:18 pm
It is referable to trying to diaper a baby with sheet spongecake.
July 2, 2012 at 1:18 pm
Preferable, damnit.
July 2, 2012 at 11:49 am
“I can’t think of anything less useful, except maybe a dead bird in a tin can.”
Oh, you mean like this?
http://foodnetworkhumor.com/2009/04/a-whole-chicken-in-a-can-yummo/
July 2, 2012 at 11:49 am
The hygiene thing makes me giggle, only because people are so *weird* about cloth diapers. I mean a diaper I can wash and sterilize myself is so much “grosser” than a tower of paper diapers clearly hand-made by someone too high to even arrange them so that the cake layers are level. Um, what?
(PS, no actually, I don’t give a damn what kid of diapers you used. Just chill about *my* diapers, world.)
July 2, 2012 at 3:26 pm
THANK YOU im so glad someone else is irritated by the unlevelness.
July 2, 2012 at 11:55 am
Did I miss the part when people started giving diapers to THEIR GUESTS as favors? What if you don’t have a kid? Wtf are you going to do with a diaper? Or is that some sort of commentary on the quality of the food at the shower?
July 2, 2012 at 10:56 pm
yes. this is just gross!
July 2, 2012 at 12:12 pm
Did this for my brother and his wife, but we wrote funny shit on each diaper (outside) so it could be read, and not inky up the kid.
“this time, last year, you were partying”
“It will smell worse a month from now”
“don’t feed the baby chili”
“Vodka is a Dad’s Best Friend”
Diapers are really a good gift for new parents, but dressing a pack of diapers up in ribbons isn’t exactly a “cool” gift.
July 2, 2012 at 12:32 pm
I might have to steal that idea for when my sister-in-law finally drops the two she’s carrying. Although like the ‘have a happy period’ thing, I can see how it could misfire.
July 2, 2012 at 1:13 pm
A friend of mine who went through a rather nasty divorce used to feed his kids chili and raisins before their weekend visitation at Mom’s house. Chili and raisins make one nasty diaper full.
July 2, 2012 at 2:32 pm
So do prunes and dates, minced up together.
July 2, 2012 at 12:16 pm
At my baby shower we had a tower of hot wings, cupcakes, cheeses, and muhfuckin nachos. Because I have awesome friends who don’t blow money on diaper cakes.
July 2, 2012 at 12:53 pm
Now that’s a baby shower even I wouldn’t mind going to.
July 2, 2012 at 12:18 pm
The words “diaper” and “cake” should never even be used in the same sentence.
July 2, 2012 at 12:54 pm
Or “Glam”.
July 2, 2012 at 1:05 pm
Not unless your baby shits glitter and tiny diamonds.
July 2, 2012 at 1:31 pm
Which would be EPIC. Kind of like Nibbler on Futurama. He shits dark matter.
July 2, 2012 at 4:14 pm
As long as I can use it to fuel my rocket ship to get the hell off the planet where theres such a thing as a diaper cake!
July 2, 2012 at 2:34 pm
If your baby’s shitting glitter, and hasn’t been scrounging for edibles in your craft supplies, I have great news!
Etsy probably has a staff opening.
July 2, 2012 at 12:21 pm
I love, love, love ya Regretsy and I’ll get slammed, but I gotta disagree on this one! Admittedly there’s no way to know if the creator of this masterpiece is Pig Pen, but generally speaking, the more adept folks roll the diapers (not glue them) so they can, like, be USED. Plus they only touch the outside of the diapers. If you’ve ever handled diapers, you know that they are basically folded and “shut”. So again, assuming the creater isn’t gutting deer in their house and then opening and touching the interior of the diaper, it’s all good.
This idea is actually ten million times better than 99.9% of the retarded shit you GET at a baby shower. Says the girl who got 500 onesies, 150 rattles, and god knows what other stupid crap at hers. At least I could use the diapers.
Love ya. *smooches* Find me another Menstration Art Piece. Because that one still has me talking.
July 3, 2012 at 2:48 am
Except for the hours spent picking it apart, removing the rubber bands and safety pins, the ribbons ‘attached’ to the outer diapers, and the giant butterfly and plastic flowers (which all get discarded.) And then folding all those diapers again.
I’ll take actual cake and multiple useful gifts (I can pass those on to other expectant moms who might really need them) any day!
July 2, 2012 at 12:23 pm
I know this is gonna sound radical and ground breaking, but I have this trick I do with diapers whenever one of my friends or relatives has a baby shower. I take 2-3 packs of newborn diapers, and STUFF them into two diaper bags (one of which looks a bit more masculine than the other, for Daddy), top liberally with rattles, nipples, bottles, bottle brushes, diaper rash cream, baby shampoo, baby powder, etc, and serve at room temp with a simple fucking BOW on the handles.
Everyone admires how adorable the bags are, and you’d be amazed how rarely my baby gifts get returned.
July 2, 2012 at 12:50 pm
I’d be okay with you coming to my baby shower.
July 2, 2012 at 12:41 pm
Diaper cakes? Pffft… at my baby shower if I ever pregnant, I’m gonna make a jello heart and eat it like Daenerys in front of all of the guests.
Still, I mean, the fact that they look like cakes makes them so disappointing because I am expecting them to be real cake, but instead I get diapers.
July 2, 2012 at 12:50 pm
Make sure you yell some incoherent babble about how your child is the stallion who will mount the world and you’ll be sure to leave an impression.
July 2, 2012 at 1:03 pm
OMG – this would be so awesome. And horrifying! and awesome!
And Amazon is running a sale on jello heart molds:
Who do I know who is pregnant?
::looks around::
July 2, 2012 at 1:22 pm
Heck yeah! Of course, I won’t forget the incoherent babbling!
But yeah, the only problem is that well, I’m neither pregnant nor in any sort of relationship at the moment so it will probably be a long time until I do that.
July 2, 2012 at 2:46 pm
Have Faith, woman!
July 4, 2012 at 10:05 am
All the more reason to do it anyway.
July 2, 2012 at 12:48 pm
I got one of these at my first baby shower, and while I thought it was kind of clever (gag), I hated the stupid thing. Then the OCD kicked in and I hated the fact that the diapers were all squished up and wouldn’t fit back into the fucking package they came in. Plus, someone above mentioned the glitter and glue all over the stupid things, which is indeed not what you want to be dealing with at 2 in the morning.
July 2, 2012 at 1:04 pm
Is the top layer chocolate?
July 2, 2012 at 1:32 pm
Yes, with a lemon drizzle!
July 2, 2012 at 1:13 pm
You’re having a baby! Babies shit at all hours with no control for 2 years +. Since that’s the main reason you had a baby, lets concentrate on that “ass-pect”. Enjoy your baby!!! What fun.
July 2, 2012 at 1:33 pm
What a load of crap.
July 2, 2012 at 2:02 pm
What’s next? Tampon chandeliers to celebrate a girl’s entrance into womanhood?
July 2, 2012 at 2:14 pm
I saw The Tampon Chandeliers once; they opened for The Butthole Surfers in Oakland in ’89.
July 2, 2012 at 2:47 pm
Shh! Shh! They’ll hear you!
Aw, damnit.
Too late.
July 3, 2012 at 7:53 am
Wow. Just wow. It looked really pretty from a distance.
July 2, 2012 at 2:54 pm
Yes, and why not a pads cake? It will embarrass your daughter silly if she isn’t already from you throwing her a Red Tent Party and if you make it with enough pads, it will probably last for years.
And who could not forget those tampon candles?
July 2, 2012 at 3:31 pm
Yeah, seriously, WTH are red tent parties? Can we talk about this?
July 2, 2012 at 3:49 pm
Something wombyn have when they enter the mystical stage of wombynhood by bleeding their panties or something. I don’t know… I find it weird.
My mother didn’t do anything for mine first period, just said “Whoop dee doo, now let’s hope you won’t end up like the rest of the women on my side of the family and get endometriosis.” then she just said that I can feel free to use her pads and tampons under the sink when I needed to. No red velvet cake or anything…
July 2, 2012 at 2:30 pm
I should have given something crappy like this to the woman whose fake baby shower I was stuck going to.
I could have spent the whole time pulling it apart and throwing fake flowers and diapers at her, instead of having to come up with some sort of advice for how she should go about her pretend motherhood.
She claimed to be pregnant for a full 12 months, and I don’t know why people didn’t figure it out sooner. The baby shower happened 8 or 9 months into the faked pregnancy.
July 2, 2012 at 2:54 pm
I’m torn between saying “Cool story, bro”, and legitimately being interested in how the fuck and why the fuck she did this.
July 2, 2012 at 3:25 pm
Me too. Details! Details! Especially how she suckered people into buying this at the point where she should have been camped at the maternity ward, asking repeatedly, “Is it time yet? Can we induce? How many more minutes ? Is it time yet?” … don’t forget the names of all those people, and their contact info. I have some downcycled Florida ’100% water view’ real estate I’d like to sell them.
July 2, 2012 at 4:28 pm
I made a diaper cake for myself when I was pregnant, I loved it. I was on bedrest, it was one of the few things I could do without hurting myself. It came out awesome, and no one touched it because i’m a hermit.
July 2, 2012 at 8:14 pm
to each their own I guess but I can not stand that they allow these on ETSY!! their rules clearly state you can not just arrange items and call it hand made…..so I can not sell chinese stuffed animals, baby shampoo, bath soap, rattles, toys, store bought clothes, washclothes, or a pack of pampers on etsy as a supply, then why can I arrange them into a gift pack shaped like a diaper and its hand made?? all of these items are available at walmart and wrapped in a bow….gift baskets take just as much skill and time if they are nice ones but those are not allowed?? perfect example of ETSY drawing a line that does not go with their rules and then saying well they are allowed…. “because we said so”
guess I should start doing teen cakes with rolled up cute socks and itunes cards, maybe some make-up and brushes, hair clips etc and just wrap it in the shape of a cake and Im good to go….right??
July 6, 2012 at 1:27 pm
Isn’t knitting and crocheting really just arranging yarn? Really, isn’t ANY craft just arranging things?
Those teen cakes actually sound like an awesome idea.
July 2, 2012 at 9:03 pm
As someone who received a diaper cake for my kiddo, those things are fucking stupid.
They are held together by 7000 elastics, and 100 000 tiny little sewing pins.
Nothing says “for a baby” like needles and elastics…
I would have preferred a bottle of nice scotch, but what can you do?
July 6, 2012 at 1:25 pm
Eeeek, they use disposable diapers and glue for these things? I always assumed they were cloth diapers, which you could take apart and wash and use. So that it was an actually useful thing to give at a babyshower.